Original subtitles

Lawrence, if you stick with me,

I will tell you everything you need to know

about the big army.

Where the fuck is it?

And life in general.

(bird chirping)

Hey, you know birds aren't real, right?

No no no, hear me out on this.

Have you ever seen a baby pigeon before?

At ease, make way.

Fucking privates. - Yeah.

What do you mean birds aren't real?

Chickens evolved from raptors, man.

And you keep KFC open with your patronage.

Look out for a second.

Listen to me, guy.

There's gonna be a new post commander coming on.

Change of command.

So this is what we gotta do.

The XO is on my ass,

because this is the least productive

of all three of the checkpoints.

So what I need is I need more traffic stops, no.

I need more car stops, more searching people,

DUIs, tickets, you get what I'm saying?

You know, we can't just force people

to commit crimes, right?

I don't care if Jesus Christ strolls through here

in a Lamborghini going to the burn ward

in order to cure people and make 'em

grow back their arms, leg, and facial hair.

If he's got a cracked tail pipe,

or if a freakin' windshield wiper is off,

I want you to send him a ticket,

and then get him on his way.

Fix his uniform.

This is all your fault.

(upbeat funky music)

(bird chirping)

- Hey man, how you doing? - Bro, what's up?

Man, it's been a minute.

Yeah, yeah.

So, your headlight is out.

Oh yeah?

But that's about it.

I'm gonna let you through, okay?

- Oh, for real? - Just don't tell anybody

because if my boss finds out,

he's gonna do unspeakable things to my butt hole.

What?

I don't know what that means.

I don't wanna find out, okay?

Yeah, no, no, you're good.

No I won't. - Alright.

- Thanks, thanks again. - Yeah.

Hey Lawrence.

Yes, Sargent.

Did you hear what Sargent Dean said?

Yes, Sargent.

Okay, good.

So write some fucking tickets.

Yes, Sargent.

(upbeat music)

Hello, ma'am.

License and registration, ma'am.

Sure.

It doesn't really look like you.

Oh, it's just a little old.

And that's kind of expired.

Oh, it's just one month.

It's, you know--

I just have to see my husband, two seconds.

I can get it taken care of. - I'm so sorry.

I can't make any exceptions.

Please, I have to see my husband.

[Lawrence] Why is that?

He was in Fallujah, okay.

And his Humvee, it went over an IED,

and everyone in it except for him died,

but he lost most of his legs.

[Lawrence] I'm sorry about that.

And our kids call him Lieutenant Dan.

But he's black.

And it's just been really hard on us.

I just have to see him, just for a second.

I'm so sorry.

No really,

I just have to see my husband.

You don't understand.

Our marriage is slowly dying.

I just, I have to see my husband, please.

I really don't wanna do this.

No, please.

I can just, I can get this taken care of.

Just please let me see my husband.

Oh. - [Lawrence] I would.

I'm sorry, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Lawrence, what's the problem here?

She has an expired registration.

Does she now?

Ma'am, what's the situation on your end?

I just have to go in for two seconds

and see my husband really quickly.

Double amputee.

I understand.

Can I see that ticket real quick?

Thank you very much.

Open wide.

[Lawrence] No, stop.

Open wide.

Yeah.

Now eat.

Chew, there you go.

I just wanna thank you for your husband's sacrifice.

For your sacrifice.

For the sacrifices of your children,

and their children, and their children.

Generation after generation.

Our nation owes an eternal debt to your family.

Thank you so much.

What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna

let you go through that gate.

[Woman] Oh thank you.

And while you're going through that gate,

Lawrence here is gonna go sit in time out.

- Sargent-- - It's okay, buddy.

Actually, you know what?

Go ahead, so whatever you were gonna say.

- Sargent Dean-- - Okay now shut up.

- But Sargent Dean-- - Ski-doo.

Come on. - Ski-doo.

Ma'am, we're gonna let you through the gate.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Sorry about the inconvenience.

You are sorry, aren't you?

Ma'am, how about you just back up,

and just go around? - Oh, sure.

Yeah, of course.

Fix the gate, come on.

Good luck with everything, ma'am.

Your husband is a hero.

You are a hero, your children are heroes.

Sargent.

You know you're gonna pay for that, right?

(upbeat funky music)

Lawrence.

Go ahead, stop right there.

Have a seat, buddy.

I'm gonna take this one.

Good afternoon, sir.

Yep.

Could you do me a little favor

and cut that engine real quick?

Seriously?

Yes, please.

It's just protocol, that's all.

Is there a problem, Sargent?

Not at all, sir.

The only problem I do see, sir,

is you're not wearing a seatbelt right now.

I literally just took it off.

Okay, yeah.

No, I get it.

I am a good Christian, so I can let that one sli--

Is that air freshener right there?

Unfortunately, that is obstructing your view,

and that is an obstruction of base policy right now.

I am gonna have to write you up for that one.

Shouldn't be a big deal.

You're serious right now.

Yeah, I am serious.

I'm just following the orders.

You know how it goes.

Alright.

You wouldn't happen to have a penny on you, would you?

Penny?

A penny.

I'm a big Abe Lincoln fan.

Old Honest Abe, just like me.

You know, he had gigantism.

Historical fact right there.

I'm sure you were a history major.

Okay thank you so much.

I'm gonna take this real quick.

I'm gonna take a look over to the side here.

Oh yeah, just as I suspected.

That is balder than a bashed in baby's butt hole.

Alright. - That's got plenty

of tread on it.

Not according to Honest Abe here,

and I never go against our 16th President.

I'm gonna have to write you up for that one.

Not a big deal, just a few hundred dollars, that's all.

At this pace, I think we should keep walking,

just in case there are any discrepancies

that we could fix on this one.

Alright, let's see.

Oh, right off the bat there.

Is that an expired tag right there?

Oh, two month grace period, right?

I don't think that's how that works.

I am gonna have to write you up for that one as well.

There is good news, though.

The base magistrate, which you'll have to go see,

he's currently going through a divorce,

so I'm sure he'll be in a great mood.

(laughing)

Let's just take a look over here.

This one's fine.

Is it?

We're about to find out.

No, it's not.

Sir, you are two for two.

Are you sure?

Put that back up there.

Alright.

No, the umpire says no.

And in baseball numbers, though,

two for two is good, so you're doing good right now, sir.

That one right there.

Alright.

[Adams] Is this really necessary Sargent?

Unfortunately it is.

The law is the law,

and I'm just a messenger.

So please don't shoot me.

Even though I'm the one that's armed right now.

Alright. (clearing throat)

Sir.

Tres.

In Espanol, they say tres.

You are three, tres y tres.

Alright, alright, alright, alright.

That's not good.

No, that's not good at all.

Three, three.

That's a great battalion in the Marine Corps, by the way.

Alright, let's see if we can go four for four on this,

and you're making the highlight reel on ESPN tonight.

Honest Abe, Honest Abe, be honest with--

You know what, sir?

This one doesn't look too bad.

That's only gonna be 750 dollars,

just for the tires.

That's not counting the air freshener,

and the expired tags.

That's only gonna be about,

1,200 dollars, that's not bad.

I'm sure with your pay grade,

you're gonna be just fine, sir.

Are you kidding me, Sargent?

No, sir.

I'm not kidding you.

I'm not a jokester.

My parents are German,

so I don't know how to joke.

Well, there is good news.

All I have to do is cut you your ticket,

and you can be on your merry way.

Here you are, sir.

Thank you, sir.

You're welcome, sir.

Sorry, there's also bad news.

We are gonna have to impound your car

for about three to four weeks.

Shouldn't be a problem on your end.

I'm sure you can have a friend drop you off at the gate.

When they drop you off at base,

you can either get another friend to pick you up

and take you to your post,

or you can,

well you can take that little scooter right there,

if you'd like.

Thanks.

You're welcome, sir.

Oh sir, I forgot.

It's base policy that you utilize a helmet

while operating any motorized or electrical vehicle.

Have a wonderful day, sir.

Hoo-ah.

[Adams] Whoa.

Oh, whoa.

(upbeat funky music)

[Sargent Major] Sargent first class.

At ease.

[Sargent Major] Carry on.

Good afternoon, Sargent Major.

Good afternoon.

I want you to know you are doing

an outstanding job.

[Dean] I appreciate that, Sargent Major.

You have exceeded our expectation.

I'll continue to do sir, Sargent Major.

[Sargent Major] We're gonna put you up for an 8:00 a.m.

Thank you, Sargent Major.

I look forward to seeing you get promoted.

Good fucking job.

Yo Butts.

Yes, Sargent?

Listen, man.

Thanks for making me look good.

Alright, I'll see you.

Let this be a lesson to ya, Lawrence.

The award system is bullshit.

Just like birds.

(bird chirping)

(upbeat funky music)