Original subtitles

- Mom, I'm home!

- Dennis?

Come back here!

Look at that rug.

- Boy, it sure does show the dirt, doesn't it, mom?

- Young man.

What have I told you about removing your muddy shoes

before coming into this house?

- Jeepers, mom.

I did. these are my socks.

[theme music]

- I told Mrs. Wilson we'd pick her up about a quarter of.

- What reason did Mr. Wilson give for not going to the school

tonight?

- He's expecting a long distance call

about some property he owns in Ohio.

- I saw him up on this roof this afternoon

fixing his antenna so that the call would come through better.

- Oh Henry.

Now, I'm sure Mr. Wilson would love

to come to see Dennis in the play if he could.

- Honey, I've been thinking.

Why don't I drive all of you over to the school,

and then I think sneak out and come back

and watch a couple rounds of the fight.

Then I can get back to school before anyone would even

know that I was going on.

- Henry Mitchell.

The idea.

Not wanting to see your own son in his school play.

- Honey, that's not the idea.

It's just that, well, these championship fights don't come

on television every night and, well, I-- And--

- What's the matter, dear?

Suddenly at a loss for words?

- Well, no.

It's just that I'm having a little difficulty trying

to talk with my foot in my mouth.

- Hey mom!

Which moustache do you like the best?

This one or this one?

- Oh, I think I like this one much better.

- Me too.

Be kind of embarrassing to have the leading man

trip over his own moustache.

- Boy, wait 'til good old Miss Gilbert sees me with this on.

- Miss Gilbert?

- She's directing our play. TOMMY (OFFSCREEN): Dennis!

- Be right down, Tommy!

Hey mom.

While you're getting dressed, I think

I'll show good old Mr. Wilson my marshal outfit.

- That's a good idea, Dennis.

Jeepers, did you see that?

I'm getting so fast, I almost beat myself to the draw.

- Henry, help me.

I'm stuck.

- Having trouble, honey?

- Oh you.

- Now who's at a loss for words?

- Oh George, I do wish you'd change your mind

and come with us.

You did promise Dennis you'd watch

him star in his school play.

- Now Martha.

How was I to know that the championship fight would

be postponed from last night to tonight because of rain?

- Well, I don't think it's very nice of you.

- Oh.

- After all, you might enjoy it.

- Enjoy it?

Martha, how could anyone in his right mind

enjoy a play written by a student in the fifth grade,

directed by a girl's gym teacher in the fourth grade,

and starting a juvenile blonde bombshell in the third grade?

- Oh George.

[doorbell]

- Oh, uh, I'll get it, dear.

- Well, if it ain't my good old partner, Mr. Wilson.

- Great Scott.

- It's me, Dennis!

- Well of course it's you, Dennis.

Who else could it be?

- Hi Mr. wilson.

- Bobby, never aim a gun at someone

unless you intend to shoot it. - That's all right, Mr. Wilson.

Tommy's Slim Dalton, a bad guy in the play.

He's supposed to go around shooting people.

- That's me.

Draw, stranger.

- Now Tommy, stop that.

- Have you ever been shot, Mr. Wilson?

- No, I have never been shot, Mr. Wilson.

- Then why are you so gun shy?

- Well, because I'm a careful coward, that's why.

Now, if you boys don't mind.

- My goodness, George.

Who are these Western gentlemen?

- Hi Mrs. Wilson.

It's us.

Me and Tommy.

- Well, who would ever have guessed it?

- We don't look like the real us, do we Mrs. Wilson?

- Indeed you don't, boys.

- Hey Mr. Wilson.

- Oh, are you still here, Dennis?

- Would you help Tommy and me go over our lines?

- That's a swell idea, Dennis.

- Oh, I'm sorry Dennis, but I--

- Just this one last time?

- Dennis.

- Jeepers.

Wait'll you hear what a swell actor Mr. Wilson is, Tommy.

- Oh.

You really think so, Dennis?

Oh well, all right.

For a minute or two.

I'm expecting an important long distance phone call soon, and--

- Thanks, Mr. Wilson.

You can be Tommy's brother, Shorty Dalton.

- That makes you and me twins.

- Oh, joy.

- Here Mr. Wilson.

- Oh, I don't think I'll be needing that, Dennis.

marshal.

You reckon on taking us hombres in alive?

You're plum loco.

Right Slim?

- Right Shorty.

- Dead or alive, a mangy polecat's all the same to me.

- marshal, you try hog tying us and you'll

be the sorriest, deadest law man in these here parts.

Right, Slim?

- Right, Shorty.

- Gee you're a swell actor Mr. Wilson.

- Oh.

Thank you, Tommy.

- Mr. Wilson used to be a real famous actor,

didn't you, Mr. Wilson?

- Well, I wouldn't go quite so far as to say that, Dennis,

but I understand they're still talking about my Hamlet

back at Minooka High School to this very day.

- Gee. - Yes.

Now, where were we?

Oh yes.

Slim.

On the count of three, let's put this here

critter out of his misery.

Right Slim?

- Right, Shorty.

- One.

Two.

Goodbye, Marshal. - Reach!

Put your hands up.

Now, don't try any funny

Mighty fine day for a twin hanging, ain't it, boys?

HENRY (OFFSCREEN): Dennis!

- Coming, dad!

Come on, Tommy.

- Well, that-- Uh.

Wait Tommy.

- They're-- They're stuck on my.

That's funny.

- Well, come on, Dennis.

- They never locked before.

- Well, they're locked now.

Use the key.

- OK.

- Well?

What are you waiting for?

- I just remembered, Mr. Wilson, we don't have a key.

- Oh, you don't have the key-- You don't have the key?

- Uh oh.

Now we're really twins.

- Oh good grief.

- Oh, it's no use Mr. Wilson.

This isn't even making a dent.

- Oh, this is awful.

Martha!

- Thank you, officer.

George.

They've located Sergeant Mooney.

He's on his way over.

- Oh, thank goodness.

- All right now, Martha.

Get hold of Buzz, just in case.

- Yes dear.

- I just can't understand Sergeant Mooney

not giving those boys a key when he loaned them the handcuffs.

- He said we wouldn't need one.

Sergeant Mooney said they were so old,

they wouldn't lock anyway.

- Oh the old windbag did, did he?

- Boy, is Herman Snell gonna be mad.

- Who's Herman Snell?

- He's the kid that's supposed to play

the part that Mr. Wilson may have to play.

- Now, see here, Dennis.

If you think for one minute--

- Buzz doesn't answer.

- Fine.

One locksmith for this whole town

and he's never around when you need him.

- Well, hello folks.

All right, where is this desperate criminal?

- Hi, Sergeant Mooney.

- Hi Dennis.

Well, well George.

So society finally caught up with you.

- Oh, Mooney.

Stop trying to be funny.

And just use the key.

- Heh heh.

Use the key.

- What's so funny about using the key ?

- George.

Those handcuffs haven't had a key since 1922.

- Oh dear.

- Mooney.

As a taxpayer, I demand that you do something, and do it fast.

- Aw, you do, do you?

- Sergeant, the children's play begins in less than half

an hour.

- And Tommy's supposed to be handcuffed

to his twin brother, Shorty Dalton.

- Now, Mooney, what do you say to that?

- Hiya, Shorty.

- Sergeant Mooney, don't you have any suggestions?

- Well, we could call up Buzz.

- He's not home.

- Suppose I find him and tell him to go over to the school

and meet you folks.

- That's an idea.

- Oh, well at last we're-- Oh, the school?

No I can't.

Well, in less than 10 minutes, my-- my call

might come through.

- Goodness dear.

In all the excitement, I forgot to tell you.

The long distance operator called before

and said your call has been postponed

until tomorrow morning.

- Now Martha.

- Yes dear?

- Well, imagine that.

- Hey, Mr. Wilson.

When you get loose, you'll be able to stay and watch

our play.

Isn't that swell?

- Yeah, swell.

- Oh yes.

That's just peachy dandy.

- Better get going.

I'll find Buzz.

Oh, by the way, Tommy.

If the prisoner tries to get away, shoot him.

- Mr. Wilson!

Mr. Wilson!

Sergeant Mooney found him.

Buzz is parked outside and he's on his way.

- Thank you, thank you.

- He got himself locked in his basement by mistake.

- Oh my.

Get me out of these miserable things, Buzz.

- Well, they're locked.

- I know they're locked, man!

- Can't you hurry?

The show is about to begin.

- Anybody got a hair pin?

- A hair pin?

- You mean we're gonna open it with a hair pin?

- Jeepers. Did you hear that, Mr. Wilson?

- Well, seeing is believing, Dennis.

- Oh, never mind.

It's unlocked.

- It is?

- My tool kit.

- Great Scott, what's that?

- No, no, Lester.

The overture is on the other side.

Come on, children, there's lots to be done yet.

Oh, put that bear rug over there.

And you children get those things on stage, all right?

Now then, if we could just-- Oh dear, Mr. Mitchell.

It's-- It's so hectic back here, I'm afraid I must insist that

you, uh-- - Yes, uh, come on, girls.

We're just adding to the confusion.

- Good luck, dear.

- Jeepers, mom.

You don't kiss marshals in public.

- George, we'll save a seat for you.

- Oh, don't bother.

If I ever get out of these, Martha,

I'm going straight to the hospital for a long rest.

- Miss Gilbert.

Are they-- Oh no.

This can't be happening to me It can't!

It simply can't!

- Now dear, everything's going to be fine.

Come on. - That's Vera Phillips.

She's the author.

- Vera's kinda nutty.

- Hey!

- Stand still, Dennis.

I've got to age you.

- Can't you work faster, Buzz?

- Now, don't rush me, Mr. Wilson.

Every time I get rushed, I get nervous.

And whenever I get nervous, I get to itching.

And whenever I get to itching, I gotta scratch.

Couple of weeks ago, a woman just put me in the hospital

for almost a week.

Her husband was in the same hospital, too.

He had the itch.

She made him so nervous--

- Oh, all right.

Never mind, Buzz.

Just get on with your work.

Dennis, don't crowd him.

- Will you quit horsing around?

- Horsing around.

Ha ha ha!

- Boys, boys.

No, this way.

Back this way.

Back by the window.

Quickly! That's it.

[crying]

- Who's that?

- That's Herman Snell.

- He's the real Shorty Dalton.

- Well, I'm going to be able to open them OK.

- That's a relief.

- Buzz can open anything.

Miss Gilbert, Buzz is gonna open the handcuffs.

- Well, good.

- Now all I have to do is to run home and make

a key from that wax impression.

- Run home?

- Oh, but you can't.

There isn't time.

- I'm sorry.

That's the only way.

- Well, all right.

Get up and do it.

Go!

Don't hang around.

Oh, Miss Gilbert, you'll just have to hold that curtain.

- Hold the curtain?

With the superintendent of schools out there?

And to think I could have been a librarian.

- Would you like another glass of water, Miss Gilbert?

[BASEBALL GAME PLAYING OVER RADIO]

MALE SPEAKER (ON RADIO): sticks out his own left hook,

which Fuller catches on his own.

- Miss Gilbert, I tell you, this whole idea is ridiculous.

- Mr. Wilson, we may have no alternative.

- Now wait a minute.

I have no intention of going out on that stage

and making a fool of myself.

- Mr. Wilson, unless that locksmith returns very soon,

you have no choice.

- Jeepers, Tommy.

You should see all the people.

- Can you see my folks?

Can you see my folks, Dennis?

- Yeah, Tommy.

Right in front.

Your dad keeps trying to get up, and your mom

keeps jerking him back down.

- That's my pop, OK.

- What can be taking Buzz so long?

- Maybe he got hungry.

- OK, come along, children.

Hurry. Lester, come along.

Now, we're just going to have to face it.

The show must go on.

Now, are you ready?

- But I can't go out there.

I-- I don't even know the part.

- Now, now, we know differently, Mr. Wilson.

And I'll be under that trap door, hidden by the bear rug,

ready to prompt you.

- Oh, well that's a great comfort-- young man,

will you stop staring at me?

- Oh, Herman, come along.

Come on, dear, dear.

Hurry, please.

- Where is Buzz?

- I've got them, Dennis.

- Thanks, Margaret.

- What's all this?

What?

- Boy, you've sure got a big head, Mr. Wilson.

- Margaret, what are you doing?

- His middle's big, too.

This gun belt won't even go halfway around him.

- Give me it, Margaret.

That means you've gotta use an extra piece of string.

- Dennis, I am not wearing any string,

I'm not wearing this silly hat, and I

am not going out on that stage.

Is that clear?

- But jeepers, Mr. Wilson.

You got one of the swellest parts in the whole play.

- You even get to die in the end.

- Well, lucky me.

BUZZ (OFFSCREEN): Mr. Wilson!

- It's Buzz!

Buzz is back!

- Mr. Wilson, I got the key made.

- Oh, good.

Well, come on, man!

Well?

What's the matter?

- It won't fit.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to file it down some.

- Oh, no. Well, file it!

File it!

But hurry! Hurry!

- Oh, the last number's almost over.

- Oh, well, faster, Buzz!

Faster!

- Once more, honey.

- I wonder what's happening with George?

- The part of Shorty, which was to have been played by Herman

Snell, will be played instead by, by Mr. George Wilson.

- Oh, dear.

- Now we know what's happening with George.

[applause]

[neighing]

- Good old Spotty.

I couldn't have caught 'em without you.

Lester!

- You callin' me, Marshal [inaudible]?

- Bring in the Dalton twins, Lester.

- Anything you say, marshal.

- It's no use, Mr. Wilson.

It just won't work.

- Well, keep filing, Buzz!

This is no time to quit!

- Mr. Wilson, Mr. Wilson, you're on, you're on!

- I'm-- oh, no, no, no, I'm not going out there.

Now go away, go away. - I found it, I found it.

- You found what? What?

Ah. Get that thing off me, Margaret.

- Step on it, Tommy.

Hurry. - File it.

- File it. File it.

Keep filing.

What are you doing?

- Margaret. Hurry.

- Please cooperate, Mr. Wilson.

- What are you do--

- Lester!

- We're having a little trouble, Mr. [inaudible].

- Mr. Wilson, remember what Shakespeare said.

The show must go on.

- Oh, you lady.

For your information, Shakespeare

made no such quotation.

And as for me, this show'll go on without me.

- Lester! - I have made up my mi-- No!

- Well, Shorty?

Well, Shorty?

What do you gotta say for yourself now?

- I, uh, uh--

- I've broken out of better jails.

- Oh, I've broken out of better jails than this in my sleep.

Uh, right Slim?

- Right Shorty.

- Oh father.

Father.

- Hello daughter.

- Oh, father.

There's been talk of a lynching.

- Oh, howdy gal.

- Oh, Shorty.

- Hark.

Mr. [inaudible].

The crowd in the square's getting ugly.

- Let me see, mister.

[gunshot]

- Yep.

They're getting uglier all right.

- Psst.

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): I'll tell you what you do, Lester.

Keep your eyes on them twins, and don't let nary one of them

move. If they do, let them have it.

- Start rocking.

- That crowd's getting a might uneasy, all right,

Mr. [inaudible].

- That crowd's getting a might uneasy all right.

What do you have to say for yourself

to that, Shorty Dalton?

- Uh, Oh.

Oh, my gang won't let me down.

Right Slim?

- Right Shorty.

- Well, you'll get no help here, Shorty Dalton.

- Oh yes he will, father.

- Why thank you, gal.

Marshal.

At the count of three, supposing we two

try to decide which one of us varmints

is a might slow on the draw.

You ready?

- I'm a-waiting, shorty.

- One.

Two.

Uh, two and a half.

I'm loose.

I'm free!

- Mr. Wilson!

[shouting]

- Mr. Wilson, you haven't been killed yet!

- Close the curtains.

Close the curtains.

- But the play isn't over, Mr. Wilson!

- It is, as far as I'm concerned.

- Oh, I tell you, Martha, after last night,

the only thing to do is to sell the house

and move away to someplace where I am not known.

- George you're just being plain silly.

- I a-- [doorbell]

- Uh oh.

- Hello.

- Hi Mrs. Wilson. - Good morning.

Come on in.

- How's our favorite thespian taking the morning after?

- Not too well, I'm afraid.

George.

It's the Mitchells.

- I know Martha.

I hear.

Morning Alice.

Morning Mitchell.

- Have you read the review of last night's activities

in the morning paper?

- Oh no, I don't want to, Mitchell.

I have no desire to.

- But everybody loved it.

- Oh now, Alice.

Don't try to salve the wounds of the court jester.

- And I know not who's stroke of genius

was responsible for putting an adult in a children's farce,

but it was without doubt, the artistic brilliance

of our own talented, humorous George Wilson,

who made the evening the success it was.

- Why, I don't believe it.

Martha.

Did you hear that?

- I certainly did, dear.

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Mr. Wilson!

Hi mom.

Hi dad!

- Young man.

Why aren't you in school?

- Cause Miss Gilbert sent me home during recess

to tell Mr. Wilson how good he was last night.

- Well, what is there to say except, talent will out, huh?

- And she says to be there at 8:00 sharp tonight.

- All right.

8:00 sharp it will-- 8:00 sharp?

For what?

- They're gonna do the play all over again.

Just like last night.

But this time, for charity.

- Oh great Scott.

[theme music]

NARRATOR: This has been a

from the Hollywood studios of Columbia Pictures.