Original subtitles

- And please keep Mom well, and Dad well,

and Mr. and Mrs. Wilson, and Tommy

eat well, and Freddie well. Amen.

- Good night, Dear.

- Good night, Mom.

- Dennis, who's Freddie?

- He's my new frog, Mom.

[theme music]

- Hi, Mom.

- Hello, Dear.

- Mom, what can ya buy with $0.25 these days?

- Very little, I'm afraid.

- It isn't worth very much, is it?

- No, it isn't.

- That's just what I thought.

Hi, Dad.

You reading?

- No, I'm not.

- What can you buy with $0.25 these days, Dad?

- Not very much.

- Isn't worth very much, is it?

- No, it isn't.

- That's just what good old Mom was saying.

So how about giving me an allowance of $0.25 a week?

- Dennis, I don't think you're old

enough for an allowance yet.

Your mother and I will give you the spending

money we think you need.

- OK, Dad.

- Mom, remember you said little kids

like me need more educational toys?

- Yes, I remember.

- Well, for only $0.50, I could buy Tommy's educational death

ray gun.

- Dennis, I've told you many times,

when it comes to money matters, you're to speak to your father.

- Hi, Dad.

You asleep in there?

- Yes, I am.

- Mom says I'm supposed to talk to you.

- What about?

- About Tommy's death ray gun.

Tommy found out it doesn't really make you dead.

- Well, I'm glad to hear that.

- Dad?

- Yeah?

- Remember how when I was a little kid,

you used to surprise me with some little gift

for hardly any reason at all?

- Son, come here a minute.

Ah.

Dennis, you're getting old enough

to realize that money doesn't grow on trees.

Now, when I was your age, and I wanted something special,

I was willing to work for it.

- Sure, Dad.

That's just what I'm doing now.

- I don't mean asking for money.

I mean earning it myself.

- I made $0.08 selling lemonade last week.

- Well, that's a good start.

- And I would've made even more if that dumb old fly hadn't

fallen in and drowned in front of everybody.

[chuckle]

- Well, now if you could just figure out

a way to earn that quarter that you want,

I think you'd learn to appreciate the value of money

more, take better care of it.

- Yes, Sir.

- Tell you what I'm gonna do.

When I feel that you've learned that money doesn't grow

on trees, I'm gonna start you out on an allowance of $0.25

a week.

- Oh, boy!

I'll start learning right away!

- Darling, your new outfit is just handsome.

And I love that sport coat.

- Oh, heh.

Oh, you don't think the new suede

shoes are a little too, uh, well,

daring for a man of my age?

- On the contrary, Dear.

You look both distinguished and dashing.

- Dashing?

Oh, well, really, Martha?

[chuckling]

Yes.

Well, I suppose you could go so far as to call me dashing.

- You'll be the best-dressed man there this afternoon.

- Oh, that would be nice.

After all, there isn't a reunion of my old college

fraternity every day.

And if I do say so myself, I had quite a reputation as a campus

Beau Brummell in my time.

- You're still my Beau Brummell.

- Why, thank you, my dear.

And, you know, you're still my Lady

of the Lake, my Maid Marian, and my Queen of Sheba.

- Oh, George. [chuckling]

[doorbell]

- Oh, fiddle faddle.

I knew the day was going too well.

Martha, If that's Dennis, you tell that boy

that I'm not home.

And maybe he'll go away.

- Now, Dear.

- I just know that boy's going to do

something awful to my new shoes.

- Oh, what could he possibly do to a pair of shoes?

- Well, you said the same thing about my new hat,

and Dennis turned it into a swimming pool for his guppies.

- But that wasn't his fault, and you know it, George.

Dennis means well.

- Well, Great Scott, Martha.

A herd of wild elephants means well.

[doorbell]

- Hi, Mrs. Wilson!

- Good morning, Dennis.

What are you doing with that?

- Is Mr. Wilson home?

- Hi, Mr. Wilson!

Are you playing hide and seek with Mrs. Wilson?

- Oh, good grief.

No, I'm not playing hide and seek with Mrs. Wilson.

What do you want Dennis?

- Jeepers.

Why are you all dressed up, Mr. Wilson?

Is Mrs. Wilson taking you along shopping

to carry packages again today?

- No, I'm about to take a walk, a long walk, alone.

Is that why you're wearing these old, scuffed up shoes?

- Why, these are not old scuffed up shoes.

They happen to be brand new shoes.

- They are?

Then how come all the leather is scraped off of them?

They're-- they're suede shoes, Dear.

They're supposed to look rather rough and dull.

- They are?

Jeepers, it takes my new shoes a couple

of days to look beat up like that.

- Oh, all right, Dennis.

Did you have anything particular in mind this morning,

or is this visit merely part of your war of nerves?

- Well, I've come over to wash your windows.

- Oh, for Pete's sake.

- I've just gotta make some money that doesn't grow on trees.

- Well, I'm sorry, Dear.

Our windows were washed only two days ago.

- They were?

Then how about hiring me to keep little kids with sticky fingers

away from them?

- Oh, Dennis, go home.

- George, I'm sure we can find a little job for Dennis

if we just try.

Martha, I know if you give that boy five minutes,

he'll have this place, ready to qualify as a disaster area.

- But George--

- You just leave everything to me, my dear.

[clearing throat]

- Dennis?

- Yes, Mr. Wilson?

- There is a quarter.

- Gee, thanks, Mr. Wilson!

What do you want me to do for it?

- Just go home.

- Have a good time spending it, Dear.

- Gee, thanks, Mr. Wilson!

Thanks, Mrs. Wilson!

Oh, boy!

[door slams]

- Well, there, hah, he's happy.

We're happy.

And my shoes are still like new.

- George, really?

- Well, I think I'll go up and take off these new clothes

so they'll be nice and fresh for this afternoon.

Hah!

Martha, imagine, all this peace of mind for a quarter.

Now why in the world haven't I thought of this before?

Oh!

Oh, Great Scott!

He did it again!

[pop-popping of gun]

- Take that!

And this!

Gee, this sure is a swell gun, Tommy.

- Yeah.

It's too bad your folks made you give Mr. Wilson his quarter

back, or you could've made a down payment on it.

- I gotta find some way to learn about money.

Dad says when I learn it doesn't grow on trees,

he'll give me a weekly allowance.

I gotta go in business.

- What kind of business you going in?

- I gotta think, Tommy.

- We could catch grasshoppers and sell them as pets.

- Nah, they wear out too easy.

My last one stopped hopping the first day I had him.

- Dennis, if I let you use the gun 50/50,

can I be partners with you in your business?

- OK!.

- What kind of business we going in first?

- I'm still thinking.

Do you suppose we could find good, strong grasshoppers?

- Hi, Dennis.

- That dumb old Margaret.

- Hello.

What are you doing?

- We're partners, looking for a business.

- Can I be a partner, too?

- You're a girl.

- I've got a dime.

- She could be a silent partner.

- What's a silent partner? - Yeah.

What's a silent partner?

- That's where you gotta give us your dime,

but ya can't tell anybody.

- All right.

Here is my dime.

Now, how about let's starting a paper doll business?

- Paper dolls?

- And then we could sell them on street corners.

- I'm going home.

- I'll go with ya. - All right.

Then what about a baby washing service?

- Tommy.

Here's your old dime back, Margaret.

- All right for you.

You'll be sorry.

- And take your dumb doll, too!

- That isn't nice to talk to babies

like that, Dennis Mitchell!

- There goes the first dime we ever made.

- Girls.

- Tommy, I'd rather starve to death than wash a baby.

- Me, too.

- Maybe there's something else we can wash.

Hey!

How about dogs?

- Dogs?

- Sure, you ever met a dog that didn't need a bath?

- Sure.

But where are we gonna find a dog with money?

- We'll get the money from the person who owns the dog.

Come on, Tommy.

- Where we going?

- To get our first customer.

- Hold still, Fremont.

Sure was swell of good old Mrs. Wilson

to let Fremont be our first customer.

- And it was even sweller of Mr. Wilson to be upstairs shaving.

- Oh, boy, $0.25.

Don't rub too hard, Tommy.

We don't want to make him fade.

This back brush sure works swell, doesn't it?

- Yeah.

Nothing smells like a wet dog, does it?

- Well, my Sleeping Beauty is awake.

- Where's the Mitchell's secret weapon?

- While I was in the kitchen, I thought

I heard him go upstairs with Tommy.

- Well, they're playing quietly for a change.

[chuckle]

- I guess Dennis has given up the idea of learning

about the value of money for one day.

- Are you a little sorry you didn't give him

the quarter when he asked you for it?

- No, I'm not.

You know, Honey, there comes a time

in the life of every boy when he's got to--

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Here, Fremont!

TOMMY (OFFSCREEN): Here, boy!

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Here, Fremont!

[barking]

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Here, Fremont!

TOMMY (OFFSCREEN): Here, boy!

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Here, Fremont!

[barking]

- Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

- Hi, Mr. Mitchell and Mrs. Mitchell.

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Here, Fremont!

TOMMY (OFFSCREEN): Here, boy.

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Here, Fremont!

- You think that shoe's dry enough to wear, Dear?

- Oh, yes, Martha.

It's fine.

Now, if I can only get out of here

before Dennis comes over again.

[barking]

- Oh, Fremont! [barking]

- Oh Fremont!

Oh.

[barking]

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): I'm a mess!

[barking]

MARTHA (OFFSCREEN): Oh, Fremont!

- Oh.

Oh, Fremont, for Heaven's sake!

Martha, just look at me.

- Oh dear.

- Great Scott!

Now he's even turned my own dog against me.

Oh.

- $0.05, $0.06, $0.07--

- Hey, Dennis, why'd you let Harold's' little brother

play for half price?

- Because he only had a penny. BOY (OUTSIDE): Four!

- Four? BOY (OUTSIDE): Four!

- Hey, Dennis, Richard keeps swinging at the ball

and missing it.

- That's OK, Tommy.

My Dad does it all the time.

Those are called practice swings.

- Dennis, what's going on out here?

- Hi, Dad.

Tommy and me found another way of making money.

- So, I see.

Where'd you get those golf clubs?

- You want to play, Dad?

- No, thank you.

Dennis, those clubs look very my like--

- You sure you don't want to play golf, Dad?

- Dennis, if I'm not mistaken--

- It's only $0.02, Mr. Mitchell.

- But you could play for half price.

- Dennis, are those my c--

- Jeepers, Tommy.

You should see my dad hit a golf ball.

- Dennis, I'm asking you a question.

- I bet my dad could hit a golf ball farther

than anyone in the whole--

- Dennis!

- world?

- You took my golf clubs without asking, didn't you?

- I asked you, but you were asleep.

- Well, I want you to collect those clubs right now.

- How about the balls?

- The balls, too.

When you get through, you can fill in the holes.

- But jeepers, Dad, most of those holes belong to gophers.

- Well, I don't appreciate either you or the gophers digging

the holes. Now, you can just fill them in.

And I would suggest you give your customers back

their money.

- Here we go again.

- Jeepers, Tommy.

Money doesn't last long, does it?

- There's nothing like a nice quiet Saturday at home.

- Are you still glad you didn't give your offspring

a quarter when he asked you for it?

- Yes, I am.

Dennis is learning a very important lesson about money.

I just wish he could change his teacher.

- Tommy, I've been thinking.

Since we have to fill up those old holes anyhow,

why not put something in them.

- Like what?

- We'll start a pet cemetery.

- Sure.

Hey, aren't those holes kind of little?

- We'll only bury little pets like frogs or spiders.

- Yeah, that'd work.

- Now all we need is a customer.

- Yeah.

- Tommy, how's your pet turtle been feeling?

- Uh, boys, don't forget to fill in those holes.

That's next, Mr. Mitchell.

- Dad, can I bring our record player out here?

- Out on the front porch?

What for?

- We need it for a funeral.

- Oh.

A what?

- A funeral.

We're gonna rent the holes to other kids for a pet cemetery.

TOMMY (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Since the holes

are already turned inside out and everything.

- You got anything you want buried, Mr. Mitchell?

- Well, not at the moment.

Thank you.

And fellas, I hate to keep putting

a damper on your various business ventures,

but I'm afraid the pet cemetery is out, too.

- You mean we can't bury anything at all?

- Well, um, I think your mom would probably

frown on the whole, uh, business.

[chuckle]

- A pet cemetery, with music?

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): There goes another big money-maker

down the drain. - Yeah.

And so far, we've had to give all the money back.

- If I don't make some money, I'll

never learn how to handle it.

- And then you'll never get your dad to give you an allowance.

- Dennis?

- Yes, Mom?

- Dear, I was wondering if you and Tommy would

care to carry some things down from the attic

to be put in the trash can.

- Me, too, Mrs. Mitchell?

- Yeah, Mom, why pick on good old Tommy?

He isn't even a relative.

- Well, I was thinking of paying you each $0.05.

- $0.05?

Come on, Tommy.

We're in the moving business.

[chuckle]

[groan]

- Look at here, Tommy, two left shoes of mine, better than new.

- And here's a swell old vase.

- Sure.

All it needs is a little gluing.

- Will gluing fix it?

- Sure it will.

I glued it once before right after I dropped it.

- Here's a swell whatever it's supposed to be.

- Boy, isn't it?

Jeepers, Tommy, junk like this is the same as money.

- It is?

- Sure.

How do you suppose Mr. Anacaster, the junkman,

got that big house, and those big cars,

and the big dog that bites?

- Well, heck, let's go in the junk business.

- Sure.

And I bet everybody's got good throwing out stuff like this.

There's Miss Cathcart, Mrs. Elkins.

- We know lots of people .

Now all we gotta do is collect it.

- Sure.

Look, this lampshade's almost new.

Hey, I got another idea.

First, we'll hold an auction.

And then we'll sell the leftovers to the junk man.

- Oh, boy!

What's an auction?

- You mean you've never been to one?

- How do I know until I know what an auction is?

- It's a place parents go to buy used stuff that they

fight about the next day. Come on.

Let's go collect stuff.

[dong]

- Now, what am I bid for this super deluxe one-owner

tackling dummy?

- I bid $0.06 for this swell tackling dummy.

- $0.07.

- I bid $0.03.

[laughing]

- Martha, I'm home.

- Hello, Dear.

Did you have a nice time at the reunion?

- Oh, it was fine.

And you know, I was the best dressed there.

- Good.

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Sold for $0.08.

- Oh, you know what that boy is doing out there, Martha?

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Now--

- He's holding an auction.

- I know, Dear.

I gave Dennis a few old things that I wanted to get rid of.

- Well, I hope you didn't give away anything of mine.

- Of course not, Dear.

[squeaking]

- Hear that?

[squeaking]

- Doesn't this sound like a bird?

Now, what am I offered for this peachy bird caller?

[squeaking]

- That sounds like my Audobon Bird Caller.

- Oh, George.

You have a half a dozen of those things,

and you haven't used one in months.

- Oh, Martha, how could you?

Stop the auction!

- I bid $0.02.

- I bid $0.03. - $0.05.

[barking]

- See, you can even call dogs with it.

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): Just a minute, stop the auction.

Dennis, that's my bird caller.

- Jeepers, Mr. Wilson.

Mrs. Wilson gave it to us.

- Well, that makes no difference.

Mrs. Wilson doesn't know that I--

- I bid $0.07.

- Oh, for Heaven sakes.

Uh, $0.08.

- $0.10.

- $0.11.

- $0.12.

- $0.14.

- $0.16.

[little boy crying]

- Oh, all right, little boy.

Here's a dime.

- $0.17.

- Now Tommy, you stop that.

All right, Dennis.

Here's your $0.16.

- Gee, thanks, Mr. Wilson. [squeaking]

- And sold to good old Mr. Wilson for $0.16.

[dong] - Oh!

[laughter]

- Any trouble, Mr. Wilson?

- Uh, oh no, Mitchell.

Everything is under control.

[squeaking]

- Next is this keen muscle-building machine.

- Hahaha.

That's my old rowing machine.

[squeaking] [ruff]

[squeaking]

- Oh, for Heaven sakes.

Where did you come from?

Get off my sport coat, darn you.

[ruff]

- Go away!

Go on, go on, go on!

This is for calling birds, not dogs, crazy mutt!

- Just look what it did for my poor old dad.

He used to be nothing but skin and bones.

- Dennis.

- Of course, you can't tell nothing with clothes on.

Hey, Dad, would you take your--

- I would not.

- How about rolling up you sleeves?

- Dennis, I think the auction's gone on long enough now.

It's getting on towards dinnertime.

- OK, Dad.

Kids, the auction's over.

[dong]

- Boy, we must've collected over $0.86.

- Well, that's fine.

Son, I guess you're learning that money

doesn't grow on trees.

- I sure am, Dad.

- I'm glad to see you boys finally got

into a profitable business venture.

- Heck, this is nothing.

Wait until we sell the stuff in the garage to a junk man.

- What stuff in the garage?

- Move the bed, Tommy.

- I don't believe it.

- We're good collectors, huh, Dad?

- Well, you certainly are.

- Maybe even the best darn junk collectors

in the whole world, huh, Dad?

- Or maybe even in the whole city.

- I-- I've never seen anything like it.

- Do you really think all that trash is worth anything?

- Alice, there's enough junk out there to start two junkyards.

Ought to be worth a few dollars anyway.

- Well, those boys have worked so hard collecting it.

I'm glad they'll be getting something for their labors.

- The important thing about today,

Honey, is that Dennis has finally

learned how hard money is to come by.

- Well, then you're glad you didn't

get him the $0.25 in the first place

and save all this trouble?

- You bet I am.

- Dennis has learned a lot.

In fact, he's learned so much, I've

decided to give him a $0.25 a week allowance.

- Oh, good.

- Well, they ought to be here pretty soon.

They said they'd come right over.

- How did you happen to call two junk dealers?

[chuckle]

- So they'd bid against each other.

That way the boys get the best price.

- Mr. Mitchell.

Hey, Mr. Mitchell!

- My public is calling.

- They're here, Mr. Mitchell.

- Good, Tom.

[chuckle]

- Pretty good junk, huh?

I bet you don't see junk like this every day.

Hey, Mr.--

HENRY MITCHELL (OFFSCREEN): Dennis, don't bother the man.

My name is Mitchell.

- How long you been collecting this stuff,

since the turn of the century?

- Three hours.

- Three hours?

- See, Tommy, I told you we were the best darn junk

collectors in the whole world.

- Uh, that car go along with the other junk?

- Uh, it does not. - Hi, Mom.

I bet ya we make a million dollars.

- Maybe two million.

- Or three million.

- I figure about $14.

- $14?

Jeepers, Tommy.

It's even better than we thought.

- I'll handle it for, uh, oh, say $12.

- $11.

- $10.

- It's all yours, Joe.

- $10?

Did ya hear that, Tommy?

- I always thought $10 was less than $14.

- I'm a little confused.

Uh, [clearing throat]

- We're interested in the highest bid.

- Mister, we aren't buying this stuff from you.

Our price is what we'll charge for hauling it away.

- Charge us?

- Hey, trash like this is of no use to us or anybody else.

It's a drug on the market.

- Can't even melt it down.

- But $10?

- All right.

You might as well haul it away.

- Good.

- Well, Professor?

- $10 all because I wouldn't give Dennis a quarter in the first

place.

- Dad, you can have my half of our $0.86 if it'll help.

- Oh, thank you, Son.

But you keep it.

You worked hard for it.

- I should say he did.

- Boy, just wait until tomorrow.

I bet I think of a hundred ways to make money.

- Uh, well that won't-- that won't be necessary, Dennis.

Uh, your mother and I have talked this over.

And-- and we've decided that we're

going to give you a $0.25 a week allowance.

- Oh, boy!

- Starting right now.

- Gee, thanks!

We sure learned a lot today about money

not growing on tress, didn't we?

Huh, Dad? [laughing]

We sure did.

[laughing]

[theme music]

This has been a Screen Gems Film Production from the Hollywood

Studios of Colombia Pictures.