Original subtitles

Fifteen years ago in Tromaville,

New Jersey, the Toxic Chemical Capital of the world,

little mop boy, Melvin Fyrd, a 98-pound weakling,

was teased, taunted, and other bad stuff,

until he fell into a barrel of toxic chemical waste

transforming him into a hideously deformed creature

of superhuman size and strength.

Melvin became the Toxic Avenger, the first superhero from New Jersey!

Then two rotten sequels were made, sorry about that.

This is the real sequel.

Good morning to the celebration of the -Take-a-Mexican-to-Lunch-Day.

The cafeteria will be serving tacos.

Okay, kids. Today we're going to celebrate

our special friends below the border.

We are going to celebrate - Take-a-Mexican-to-Lunch.

- Can we say that? - Take a Mexican to Lunch.

Very, very good.

Now that's where the hard working Mexicans take naps during the day.

Just like us?

Just like us. Exactly like us.

Can anyone tell me...

- Tito! - Baby...

What you're doing?

Listen, bitch, just because I'm a tard

doesn't mean that you have to treat me like one.

But because I'm "special", I don't think I'm ever going to get laid,

so why can't I masturbate?

Tito!

Okay, kids. Now do you know what you're eating?

Tacos.

That's right, tacos. Can you say tacos?

Tacos.

All right you fucking retards drop your brain out!

Mammy!

Fuck this man, I'm outta here.

What on earth do you think you're doing, young man?

I'm trying to teach a class here.

What kind of man are you?

This kind.

We interrupt our coverage

of the Smithville home for the elderly massacre to bring you

this very special report. Thank you.

Well, folks. It looks like we've got another school massacre situation.

You take this one. I did the last three.

The terrorist group in question,

the Diaper Mafia,

has taken the Tromaville School for the very special hostage.

We're going to go live now to

the Tromaville School for the Very Special...

where our correspondent Cindy Tata is already questioning

Tromaville police chief Newman about this very subject.

Stick with us after the break where our very own Josh Levinsky

will share some

...of those mouth-watering recipes for butternut squash. - I like that.

That's good.

Like a living Martha Stewart. But isn't she still alive?

Nigga, please.

Chief Newman, what caused the Diaper Mafia

...to commit horrible acts of violence? - No comment.

I can't believe this is happening in Tromaville.

You ask me. These Diaper Mafia punks are doing a favour.

What is the use of sending these retards to school in the first place?

All right, Tex, time to kill another one.

Yes, Daddy.

Chief Newman, the Diaper Mafia has said they will execute

a special student every half hour until their demands have been met.

- Really? - Yet it's been at least 35 minutes since...

Never mind.

That's a damn shame it had to happen

on -Take-a-Mexican-to-Lunch and all!

You hear that, pigs, you hear that?

You hear that, hear that, hear that?

A tard dies every five minutes until the Really Real Bikini TV Crew

...arrives. You got that? - Got that? Got that?

I'm working on it. Please, don't shoot any more of those tards.

I mean those special kids.

Fuck the fucking tards! I'm sick and tired of their drooling and whining!

Now why is it when I shit my pants, it's a fucking social faux pas?

But when a tard shits his pants,

a good-looking nurse wipes his ass for him?

She's got breasts on her ass.

Tex, Tex, Tex, check it out!

Pregger... pi-ata!

Hey, hey, you've got your head up your ass!

Fuck you!

That's what separates us from the pussies like the Trenchcoat Mafia,

the Flat Top Mafia and the No-Pants Mafia.

Didn't you hear what Kazinski said?

Fucking tard! Gun.

Noooo!

Mayor Goldberg, how do you feel about the five very special people

...who are dead? - Try not to harp about the five that are dead.

Think about the students that are still living, still breathing

and let's pray for an end to all this murder and mayhem and garbage.

Let's pray.

Get off the phone!

Later.

Let's pray, goddammit! You too.

Oh Lord, in your divine wisdom, please find it in your heart

to put an end to this murder and filth and trash and garbage.

And please help us to get re-elected one more time ok?

Thank you very much God and amen.

Amen.

Dye-a-nu.

Thank God you're here. What took you so long?

- I had to change. It takes a while. - Yeah, ok.

Kids, hold on all. I've got the Really Real Bikini TV crew here.

The Diaper Mafia'demands have not yet been issued and yet

speculation has already begun as to the motivation

behind the senseless attack

on the mentally feeble student body. What do you think, Nick?

I'm gonna have to go with heavy metal music on this one, Jason.

Interesting! But what about that

...best selling video game "Kill All the Retards"? - Could be a factor.

But we cannot forget about the rap music. Very popular with the kids.

I personally am not a fan of rap music.

I think you could put a c in front of rap and call it you-know-what.

- I don't think you should go that far. - Not a fan.

All right, I think you've established that.

You know I think the worst part is that we'll never know.

But that won't stop me from casting my final vote.

Violence in the movies.

- Certainly couldn't be violence in the news. - Oh God no.

I mean we may broadcast death and tragedy and

...I think you'll back me up on this. - I will back you up.

We would never glorify it.

You like that, don't you retard?

Hello, Tex, Samantha Chambers, Really Real Bikini TV.

This is my morbidly obese sidekick.

I mean, cameraman, Joe.

Well, Samantha, looks like I won't have to frisk you for weapons.

Shut up! Listen, lady, I didn't call you in here to fuck you.

I called you in here because the Really Real Bikini TV show is

the number one show in America.

Now tell Daddy there to turn on the camera.

- I'm gonna show you something. - Okay.

You see this bitch right here?

Wasting perfectly good tax dollars trying to "teach" the un-teachable.

And if there's one thing the Diaper Mafia hates more than RETARDS,

it's genetic traitors.

Now, I'm gonna show you what we do to bitches like that.

Toxie!

Oh, my God! The Toxic Avenger,

Tromaville's favorite hero of superhuman size and strength.

If that's the Toxic Avenger, where's his ward and sidekick Fatass?

It's Lardass, punk!

Let's fight.

On guard!

Toxie's got his head up his ass.

I've got my head up my ass.

Children, duck! Duck!

No, no, no, no!

Toxie!

Noooo!

All the retards, Toxie!

Oh, the humanity!

Go get him, Toxie!

You can't kill me, Toxie.

You see this exploding timing device on my chest?

That bomb over there in the corner?

- Kiss your school goodbye. - Oh my God!

Five seconds after my heart stops this school is nothing

but dead tards and charred lard.

That's right! Kazinski said you'd be here. That's right!

Sergeant Theodore Kazinski, Tromaville ATF.

Where do you think I got all these guns in the first place anyway?

He understands this world is full of unthinking cattle that need to be led

into the new millennium with a new order.

And the first step in the process is to eliminate all these retarded

and genetically mutated freaks and shit!

That wasn't a nice thing to say.

Excuse me, Miss Wiener.

- Toxie, you were always my best student. - Thanks!

No, Toxie! Don't let your Tromatons control you!

Tromatons?

Think, Toxie. If his heart stops, the bomb'll go off!

Put it back in!

Ah there you go, good as new.

Oh darn it.

Come on, Toxie. Let's get these kids out of here.

This building's about to explode!

This bomb is now armed. Detonation in T minus 5 seconds.

This would be easier if I had a mop.

T minus 5 seconds.

These drugs are gonna blow my ass off.

Whoa. What the...?

Didn't your special helper tell you that drugs are bad for you?

Fuck off super zero!

I'm just trying to act like all the other cool cats my age.

What's the deal, Tox?

Well the deal is, I just can't standby and watch you kill yourself.

I'm not killing myself, drugs kill my pain.

- Being a teenager sucks. - Well.

Being a retarded teenager sucks worse.

- Drugs make it suck less. - You're pretty articulate

...for a draggie special student. - What's articulatit?

Come on!

T minus 4 seconds.

Toxie, bear up!

No, Toxie! Church and state must remain separated!

Holy cow! Lardass, I have to go impregnate my wife. It's time.

Action sausage nunchuks. Deli stile!

T minus 3 seconds.

Toxie, hurry! Do you feel what time it is?

Oh Toxie, in my blind eyes

you are the most beautiful man in the world.

3 seconds.

I can't believe, it's not butter!

You know. I have a good feeling about the sex we had just now.

I really think you got pregnant. Oh! What time is it?

Melvin, what's gotten into you?

I know, you're really excited about the results of the pregnancy test,

aren't you?

Yeah. That's it, Sarah.

No. I gotta get back to the school, the special kids are in trouble.

What am I to you anymore Melvin? I feel like a giant ovary

with a hundred and ten pounds of flesh attached.

- God! - Sarah, what are you saying?

That's not what it is at all. I love you.

Well I just can't seem to understand

why Lardass can't do some of the crime fighting by himself sometime.

I know, Lardass is all grown up now, but when I made him my ward

all those years ago, I promised him we'd be partners.

I know he's a big boy now, a really, really big boy now,

but he's just not ready to defend Tromaville on his own.

You go to your Lardass!

Maybe he'll have your baby for ya.

- I love you, Sarah! - Yeah!

Toxie's here!

Sgt. Kabukiman, N.Y.P.D.

Why aren't you in there helping the Toxic Avenger?

I'm a New York City police officer. This is not my jurisdiction.

Besides Toxie suggested I stay out here and stake out the area

because I can guard everyone out here with my amazing oriental super powers

So everyone should be safe outside with me here behind this fence.

I think you should actually come in here.

T minus 2 seconds.

Toxie, Toxie! The bomb is about to go off!

T minus 1 second.

Thank heavens for my peanut butter.

Come on, kids. Let's go. We have no time to waste!

We've got to evacuate the building.

You're dead?

Come on! You're dead.

- Let's get out of here! - T minus 0 seconds.

The bomb will now blow up. Thank you for shopping at Kmart.

Lardass, what are you doing? We've got to get out of here!

No, Melvin, there's no time!

There are too many people in the building, we'll never get them out.

Lardass, no! Don't eat the bomb.

Lardass, no!

Even your superhuman stomach can't contain it!

Noooo!

What have I done?

It's ok, Toxie, sweetie loves you.

Speak for yourself, bitch. Fuck this place!

Get outta my way, pussies.

Lardass!

My friend.

Alright, men. Ready?

Aim!

Make guns go bang.

Alright, move after him and use extreme caution.

That lumpy headed bastard is dangerous.

Get in the car!

- I suppose I owe you a thanks. - Don't mention it, boss.

I'm just glad I decided to stick around.

- You just can't trust school kids these days. - Crack deal?

- Sgt Kabukiman NYPD, what are you talking about? - Sgt? NYPD? What?

What's wrong with you, Noxie?

Are you selling the crack or are you smoking it?

- Shit! Hang on, Noxie! - Noxie?

Did you see that? That was a stop sign!

Look out!

What are you doing? Those are police!

What's wrong with you, Noxie?

- You'd think you've never been chased by the cops before. - I haven't.

Oh my God!

Everybody back, everybody back. Just relax, stay calm.

Toxie, you alright?

What happened in there?

Hey medics, get over here, get Toxie over the emergency ward.

You alright?

Come here!

Stay back, everybody!

He's armed.

What the hell did you do to the chief?

Wow! Go, Toxie!

Toxie, what could've prompted this vicious attack

on the citizens of Tromaville?

No fucking comment.

Here, how about some hand me downs?

Yes!

Any final statement?

Shut your fucking cake hole!

- This doesn't look good. - No. It doesn't fucking look good.

- We should do something. - Do something like what?

Did you see what he just did to the fuckinchief?

- Fuck that, I'm leaving. Are you comin'? - Yeah, ok.

Faggot #1 meet faggot #2.

Bingo!

Say it ain't so, Toxie, say it ain't so.

It is so. Hold this fat ass.

Oopsie daisy!

Coming up at 11:00. Toxie kills virtually everyone in Tromaville.

And our very own Josh Levinsky gets jiggy with it.

Hang on, Noxie. I can't pass this up.

Kabukiman! That was an illegal U turn!

Old Lady dead ahead!

This is an American made car. Every time they flip 25 feet in the air

and crash down, they blow up! Let's get out of here.

- God damn! - Oh, Toxie!

- The children picked these for you. - Go fuck yourself!

Toxie!

What the hell is going on here?

What is going on indeed. The events which you are witnessing

have proven my theories regarding the truly fragile nature

of the space-time continuum. Nurse.

Blackboard!

Perfect.

As you can plainly see, for every dimension

there exists a diametric opposite of that dimension.

When two explosions of equal mass occurred simultaneously, the barrier

between Tromaville and its dimensional doppleganger,

Amortville, was weakened for a moment.

This breach caused the Toxic Avenger

and his evil opposite the Noxious Offender

to enter each other's reality.

That's pretty good for a shriveled up cripple who can't get it up.

That is it, hell-bitch. I don't need to take this shit from you.

My erectile dysfunction has been resolved. See.

Thanks to the modern miracle of penile implant

it merely takes a few squeezes of my scrotal bump

to bring my once flaccid member to a permanent state of tumescence.

Now get over here and I'll show you, shriveled...

Excuse me.

I die, but my insane theories live on.

Noxie! Where ya been?

Noxie, want some of this?

No, thank you.

Thanks for the offer but no.

- Jesus loves you, Toxie. - Fuck you!

What is this evil, evil place?

Toxie!

Nice work at the school, my friend.

You need a ride some place?

Grandma, grandma, grandma, grandma.

How am I supposed to smoke this crack without a fucking pipe?

- Fuck off, Spazmo, that's the deal. - The deal was the three of you, guys

for a rock and a stem.

You got your crack, right? Now, go smoke your shit and get out of here.

We'll try not to fuck her up too bad for you, okay?

But but that wasn't the deal.

That's it. Now I'm going to have to freak you.

Stop that right now!

Hey, hey Noxie. What's going on, man?

You wanna help us beat up the retarded guy?

Or you, hey you wanna help us rape her?

Yeah, yeah.

Didn't you learn your lesson last time I disemboweled you,

shoved your head up your ass, and killed you with your own diaper?

- What? - What? - Huh?

Guess not.

Sweetie, are you okay?

The bad boys were tryin' to touch me. Bad boys, bad boys.

They're gone now, everything is okay. Keep calm you sweetie and honey.

What's your name little girl?

Sweetie Honey.

Oh, okay. Do you know where you live? We gotta get you home.

I tried but my home was gone. 1122 Maplegrove Rd. Tromaville New Jersey.

Just like Grandma said, and it was gone.

And you? What the heck were you doing?

Looking for a crack pipe. What did it look like I was doing?

It looked like you were selling Sweetie Honey for drugs!

And it looks like I saved you from a severe beating.

What are you doing here, and where is your home?

Man, I don't have a home. I am a loner.

And Sweetie's house is gone, just like she said.

That's ridiculous. Come on, Sweetie Honey.

See kids, here's the dump, right where I said it would be.

Now we'll go in my shack and call your parents.

Parents? No parents, Mom and Dad died and then Autie Em took me in,

but Auntie Em hit me too much so then nice lady took me to Grandma.

Okay, we'll call whoever, and Sarah will make you some lunch, and...

Where's my shack? It was right here.

See? I told you.

I don't think we're in Tromaville anymore, Toto.

Tito, my name is Tito.

Whatever.

What are you going to do now, Mr. Kingshit?

I don't know. I really don't know.

I'm hungry. You said that I was going to have lunch.

I'm really really hungry.

You want lunch too?

No, see I am a junkie, so I don't have to eat. But boy am I thirsty.

Do you have any whiskey or any booze?

Here you go kids, something to eat and drink.

Eww, gross. This whiskey tastes like pregnant lady's piss.

What kind of sandwich is this?

Congratulations Sorry you're pregnant.

You know, I don't know why

on the commercials, they say these pregnancy tests are hard to read,

this seems pretty clear to me. Oh my gosh!

We did it! I'm gonna be a daddy.

- A daddy? - Yeah, I made a baby.

Baby? I love babies.

Yes! Yes!

Wait a second, wait a second.

I gotta find Sarah.

I gotta find out how to get home. I gotta do something.

You gotta get me lunch.

Okay. I'm gonna figure out how to get us home, .

- I'm gonna get you some lunch and... - Lunch.

- And you two stay here. - Stay here?

- Stay here. - Here?

Yeah, it's a lot safer here.

It's dangerous and unpredictable out there.

So just stay here and I'll be back for you just as soon as I can. Bye.

Stay here, stay here, stay here.

Who does the Toxic Avenger think he is? My parents?

Fuck this place man, I'm out of here.

No! Tito, you can't go. Toxie said to stay here. He's over there,

and you're over there and we have to stay here, Tito, no,

'cause I don't want to be alone. 'Cause Toxie's goir over there,

and you're goin' over there and I have to stay here

and Mommy and Daddy ran away,

and Auntie Em was really mean, and Uncle Bobby was really mean

and I don't want to be alone! Tito, I don't want to be alone!

Tito, come back! Come back!

Okay.

Okay. You are giving me a stomachache in my brain.

If you don't want to be a lonesome you have to come with me

but I am in charge, I make choices out here.

Okay.

Let's go. I am in charge.

Thanks, Tito. Will you hold my hand?

That's okay. Please hold my hand.

You know, Toxie

I used to think that you were one of those namby pamby

pussy-footin' mother fuckers. You know one of those bleeding heart

heroes that's always makin' my job difficult.

But you're actually a bad guy. You're all right.

Thanks.

You better split, Toxie. This press conference is about you.

I'll hang around and see what the deal is,

then we'll meet at your house later. Go on.

- My place? - Go go go.

Oh, lick my balls. Mother fucker.

Jesus Fucking H. Christ. Fuck.

- I never trusted Toxie! - Yeah!

- I knew he was bad from day one! - Yeah!

That's my husband you're talking about. He loves you people!

Bullshit! We all loved Chief Newman. Face it! Toxie's gone mad!

Yeah!

Wait! Wait everybody!

Toxie saved me and my unborn child from the bomb.

Toxie's a hero!

Heroes don't double amputate police chiefs

and hurl twelve-year-old children into brick walls!

Please, please. Quiet down, folks. Let's get down to the Lord's work.

We all saw the Toxic Avenger kill, not only our beloved police chief,

but innocent bystanders as well.

So, we've got to bring him in. For questioning!

Not shot by some vigilante citizens' group.

Fear not citizens!

I have assembled the only team capable of bringing him in.

Super Heroes, united one and all, to protect Tromaville.

And I thank God for it.

Now to introduce them

first, please put your hands together and give the clap to the Vibrator.

Our next superhuman hero protects creatures of the ocean.

Please give a warm Tromaville welcome to Dolphin Man!

Unfortunately there's not much water here

so Dolphin Man is pretty useless.

But we have somebody stronger, more powerful, much better looking.

Who are they going to bring out next? A cow that walks upright?

Please, welcome Mad Cowboy!

Jesus Christ!

Now, when rock super star Mastur G

and mild mannered sex offender John Bator

went into the same faulty elevator

little did they realize they would emerge as one man

a man that could fight crime with

sheer repulsion and bad rhyming.

Please, give a warm welcome to combined Mastur G and John Bator

Masturbator!

Yeah! I'm the Masturbator, the freaky palm god.

Get back, you egg nog.

Here it comes, Tromaville, here it comes!

It's comin' up Tromaville.

And now, last but not least,

the man to beat the man, the creme de la creme,

the greatest superhero of all.

Please, welcome Sgt Kabukiman NYPD.

Thank you, mayor. Thank you very much.

Thank you. I just want to reassure every citizen of Tromaville

that Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD

can single handedly end Toxie's reign of terror.

What a dumb-ass!

Why, I could take him out with my heat-seeking chopsticks,

or, or I could suffocate him

with my computerized 16 bite sushi,

or burn him, burn him with my pyro projectile parasols.

I got many more to take him out but I don't think that will be necessary.

Toxie will come in on his own. He was just having a bad day.

We all have bad days! You know, maybe we don't go around ripping off

the arms of the police chief and bash priests and cops in the heads with...

- Thank you! - He's probably bi-polar.

Abraham Lincoln was bi-polar and what did he do?

He freed the slaves.

So you see, if we just sit back, relax

everything will come to a peaceful kabuki conclusion.

Thank you, Kabukiman.

Well as you can see Tromaville is in very capable hands.

This concludes our press conference.

Now, the moment you've all been waiting for: The puppet show.

Fucking metal ball, fucking grass, fucking street,

fucking fence, fucking fat girl.

- Toxie, I'm your biggest fan! - That's great.

Even a simple crack whore like me, working her way through art school,

can appreciate the finer aspects of you.

Where is my house?

Maybe we should follow the signs.

Toxie's Shack.

The Plastique Palace?

That's me!

That's just wrong.

Stop! Hold on!

Oh shoot! There goes one of his arms. Oh, poor baby.

Oh yeah. Look at that.

Oh, he got nothing but a little bit of body left.

You see that thing runnin' after us with the mop?

I don't know, man, but he sure is ugly!

C'mon step on it, let's go!

He's getting mighty close.

Oh no, he's jumping into the back of the car.

Stop you! Stop the car!

What the good goddamn was that?

What're we gonna do?

Will you say something?

I'm afraid!

Get away from me, please please.

I was only kiddin'! Please, don't attack me, please!

Hey ugly, ugly!

Come here!

Gee, I'm really sorry you lost your body.

It's okay, ugly hero. It hurts but I've been through worse.

You know a black man in America gets used to having nobody behind him.

I guess I just got nobody at all.

Hey, what are we gonna do about that crazy ass white boy up there?

Well, I know what we can do with that mutha fucker.

White Power! White Power!

Hey boys, I brought you a present.

- White Power! White Power! - Hey, don't you recognize me?

What you doin'?

That was fun. Thanks again for saving my life, super guy.

Hey my name's Pompey.

Pleased to meet you, Pompey. I'm Toxie.

Sorry.

Well, here we are, Pompey. The Plastique Palace.

Oh yeah dude, you don't got to give me the play by play.

- Just get me my body back. - Will do.

- Mr. Offender. - Huh?

Oh, I thought you were inspecting the hot dog factory today.

It's not the penile implant, is it?

No no no!

I mean, hum no!

Everything's fine with the uh penile implant.

But will you fix my friend here?

Oh hey, how ya doing there?

Pretty ugly.

I can hear that bitch! Who you calling ugly?

Get my fucking head out of this bag and give me my body back, alright?

- I think we can take care of it! - Thanks!

What you do here? Give me a new body. I mean build me one.

Think you can give me one of those bionic bodies or something like that?

Get me a new body, alright?

- Hot dog parts. - Yes, ma'am.

You make a brother into a hot dog? You lucky I ain't got my feet!

I'd kick yo ass!

- I'm really hungry. - Okay okay.

You are so annoying!

No wonder everybody hates retarded people!

Hey, let's go to the office and fuck!

C'mon, let's get you some hot dogs.

Hot dogs! I really love hot dogs.

Help me!

So that's how they make hot dogs. Gross.

I'm never eating hot dogs again.

Get me out of this bucket of body parts and help me find my real body.

Help me, oh my God!

Hey, buddy!

Can you spare some change for an out of work particle physicist?

Lardass?

- Lardass! - Fuck you, Mr. Lumpyhead!

I can't believe you're alive! I thought you were dead.

First of all, my name's not Lardass,

it's Chester. I resent the implication.

Secondly, I wish I was dead.

I was a scientist, one of the greatest in the world,

and now I'm reduced to being the greatest cocksucker in the world.

Without my Claire, life is meaningless.

Hey, that's my wife!

- Is that what you call her? - So you're really not my Lardass?

I'm not Lardass, I'm Chester!

I'm just a common street whore who happens to know

the key to Inter-dimensional travel.

Inter-dimensional travel?

The ability to travel between dimensions.

And then my Claire was kidnapped, by your goons, evil crime Lord.

Then I just gave up the project, gave up my life as I knew it.

But what do you care? To you I'm just a little piece of human shit.

Another life shattered by your evil reign.

Another story to tell your cronies while sitting up in your mansion

up there 4 blocks up on the right.

What's the matter?

My lips aren't sweet enough for your toxic testicle nectar?

Don't worry, Chester, I'll be back.

Well, when you come back you'd better bring cash or pastries

or you're not gonna get to touch this ass.

Melvin, is that you? I heard what happened at school today.

- You can hear? - Of course I can hear.

I was so worried about you.

After all, our soon to be baby needs a daddy.

And look at the little baby outfit I made, there's even a little mop.

Wait. You're pregnant?

Well, yeah I'm pregnant.

Melvin, your hands,

they're so soft!

Your manly chest, it's not quite so manly anymore.

I've been eating a lot of melons lately.

Melvin! Somehow your wiener has miraculously turned into a vagina.

- What's going on around here? - Just relax.

It's good for our relationship,

it's good for the baby.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, it's good for the baby, baby.

I don't know what Noxie sees in this bitch, anyway.

My ass is so much sweeter than hers!

Where is he? It's time for my 5 o'clock reaming.

Noxie, hey baby!

Get off me, you.

Cock chugging masochist!

Look, you pervert, just get off!

It's time for the rough stuff. I'll be right over here.

Noxie!

Excuse me, madam.

Claire, wake up.

Wake up, Claire. Rise and shine, come on.

Don't worry, we'll get you outta here in a jiffy.

Hey!

Wait a second, you can see?

Of course I can see, stupid.

You're deaf?

- What is this, some kind of joke? - Blast! I wish I took

those sign language classes at Tromaville Community College.

Well, that's okay. I can read lips,

you dirty dumb dumb dumb ass!

What's a matter? Why don't you rape me rape me and beat me beat me

like you usually do, you fuckin' pervert!

Fill my chocolate starfish

with your chunky, chunky dick snot.

Come on, come and do it now. Come and get it over with.

No, no. Hold it, you don't understand.

Yeah!

Firey!

It's explosive.

Well ladies, now that you're all warmed up,

are your chocolate starfish ready for my chunky dick snot?

Oh my God!

Get that thing away from me!

Where you going?

Where did the lovely lady go?

You're about to find out the answers to all your questions.

Look, not that I can't, but I'm married.

- Will you get off? - I'm trying, damn it!

Claire, Claire.

Look. I know I may look like that Noxie character,

but I'm not him, I'm totally different.

What's a matter, did I do something wrong? Have I been a bad girl?

I'll do anything you want.

Just don't hurt me no more!

Chester sent me.

Chester?

I'm your daddy now.

I'm about to have your abortion.

Better not be another Jehovah's witness.

Fuck off! Oh, it's you.

Toxie, I've got a little proposition for you.

What say we take a little ride?

Okay. Wait, can we stop for ice cream?

Hey, hold it right there, Noxie!

What's wrong with you, man? You're like a totally different person

and now what? Takin' the sex slave out for a romantic dinner?

I don't know what's gotten into you, but it's not right.

Now why don't you take that slut back to the pit where she belongs

and come with me? We've got something to discuss.

What the fuck!?

You read sign language, right? Well, listen to this!

Run, Claire, run!

I knew it. I knew something was wrong.

You're not the real Noxie after all, are you?

That may be,

but I know Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD and you sir are no Sgt Kabukiman NYPD.

Lord, Jesus, Mother Mary,

you up there, it's me, Mayor Goldberg of Tromaville.

I really really need you, Lord. I need a sign, just any sign,

just to show me that you're here for the people of Tromaville.

Please, Lord, just any sign, just a sign.

Please, any sign.

Oh well, thanks for taking the time to listen.

I feel better for asking. Amen.

Coming up at 11. Mayor Goldberg out, Toxie in.

And our very own Josh Levitsky makes a run for the border.

In his special piece about lesbians titled.

Strappin' it on and getting up over in there.

Rootin' around.

- I know where I'm gonna be at 11. - Hey, that's appointment TV!

Toxie? Toxie?

What? Who's there?

You mother fucker, can't you hear me?

Mister Head, I didn't see you back there.

No, my name ain't Mister Head, man. It's Pompey.

Pompey, nice to meet you. My name is Tito.

- Yah how you doin', Tito? - Pompey, let's make a deal.

If you chew through my ropes, I won't let you become meat product, okay?

Shit, that sounds like a plan to me, Tito. Come here.

Chew, chew, Pompey! Chew like the wind.

Chew, Pompey, but hurry or else you'll become Pompey headcheese.

Not headcheese, no!

Almost...

Alright, got it!

Come get me, get me!

Fuck this man, I'm outta here.

Me too! Me too! Help! Me too!

Okay.

- Okay. - Ready... here we go.

Wait, Tito! Toxie needs help!

No! No no!

- What do I do? - You big retarded pussy!

You better get your ass over there and help that retarded girl.

You go, girl! You hit him!

Hit him again! He'll survive that.

You get him, retarded girl. Work it out!

Come, we gotta get out of here. Come on!

Come on!

Dead end, dead end!

Toxie, we've got to go.

Oh no! What happened?

Kabukimars coming. We've got to go.

Come on, let's go. Jump, chickenshit. C'mon, let's go!

- I don't want to go! - Go!

Damn!

Damn! They're very slowly getting away.

Well, fuck'em.

Mayor Goldberg, Tromaville's liberal kubla khan, dead at 52.

What is to become of Tromadu?

Tromadu! What will happen to the stately pleasure dome

he built with the taxpayers' money?

Tromadu, where man and beast play,

and women play with each other.

Tromadu, haven to the artsy

and to the fartsy.

And who can forget the interpretive dancers?

People are letting it all hang out

at one of the famous Tromadu grotto parties.

Look here, it's the Toxic Avenger, Tromaville's newest mayor.

Mr. Toxie, how did you find cultural conditions in Tromaville?

With great difficulty.

Hey Toxie, what do you make of this

easy on the eyes Jackson Pollack-esque painting here?

Well, I guess everyone's a critic.

Look at these young lovers, enjoying

the bounteous pleasures at Tromadu.

I could die in these breasts.

Bullseye! Cupid strikes again.

And so does Toxie.

That's what I call a facelift. Looking good, Toxie.

At Tromadu Toxie is always ahead in the polls,

or a pole in the head. Whoopsie daisy!

Uh uh, the party's over, says Toxie.

Wow. It looks like Toxie's really tuckered out.

- What's that on your face, Toxie? - Nose blood.

Toxie promises his first action as mayor will be to kill

all those goofy superheroes, especially Kabukiman.

Oh my gosh, we're doomed. We're doomed.

We're gonna die.

Wait, we're acting all chicken.

It's about time we do some evil ass kickin'.

That's really nice, Masturbator,

but fuck that. I'm not going to die, not in Jersey.

Now I'm getting the hell out of here.

My God, I never thought of it that way before.

Now let's save Tromaville!

Go, Mad Cowboy. Go, Dolphin Man.

Go, Masturbator. Speed it up, Vibrator.

I'm coming!

That Kabuki-faggot ran away.

I kicked his ass good.

I guess that...

Well, I guess that...

I guess...

I guess that takes care of that.

I Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD am a failure.

I suck.

My arm is broken.

My leg is all fucked up.

And I gotta pee like a race horse.

Where's the hospital?

Aaaawww shite!

This ain't no fuckin' hospital!

It's not the fuckin' hospital!

Hey, ya got a pisser in here?

'Cause I've gotta pee real bad.

Yes I do.

Oh my gosh!

Who could do such a thing to a defenseless,

beautiful,

hot, exceedingly attractive woman like that?

I must...

I must free her, yeah.

Here I come, Kabukiman, to the rescue.

Hold on there, damsel in distress.

Your hero is about to arrive, to save. I'm here to rescue you.

Just grab these knots. Undo these knots.

This knot. This is not easy.

Have a pie.

See ya tomorrow?

Alright, alright, who's next?

- Claire, is that you? - Oh, Chester.

Claire! I though you were dead!

I was dead without your love.

I dreamt of you every single night.

I dreamed of you.

The rape, the torture,

the corn holing that fucker Noxie put me through.

Oh, my darling, look what he did to your face.

That doesn't matter now. All that matters is that I'm here

with you.

Oh!

Chester!

Ooh! Yea!

The ecstasy!

Do you remember the cheese?

I saved the cheese for you, Claire.

I've been waiting so long to cut the cheese for you, Claire.

Yeah, cowboy!

Claire, I love you.

You're pregnant!

That's wonderful, doctor!

You're pregnant with two babies.

Two babies!?

From what appears to be two completely different fathers.

And that's preposterous!

That must be... good...

...and evil. - Right.

Well what can I do about that, doctor?

Well I'm glad you asked that question.

Nurse?

Lovely, just like that. Thank you.

What I have done is extracted the actual fluid

from the feti inside your body.

This is the good fluid, this is the evil fluid.

You can tell because it's red.

Now, inside your body you have to make a choice

Because these two right here are fighting, fighting, fighting.

One will win, and eventually this is what it will look like.

That sizzles.

That will be you.

The choice is very simple and clearly yours.

Either A, you can choose to explode, or B, you can choose to abort.

- Explode or abort. - What does one do?!

I'll have to think about that, doctor.

Ponder not too long because actually you only have about 2 or 3 hours

until this whole process takes place.

Melvin, where are you!?

- Doctor, remove the thermometer from my behind. - Well, let me check.

Tromaville Abortion Clinic, may I help you?

I'm sorry but the doctor's still in the topless bar,

I mean an appointment. Would you like his voicemail?

Choose life or die! Choose life or die!

Choose life or die! Choose life or die!

Choose life or die!

It sure is hot out here today.

Hello?

Excuse me,

is this the line for the family planning?

No?

Burn in hell, abortion bitch!

At least this sweet gentle rain will cool things off today.

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, my goodness, sweetie, look at you!

Quick we gotta get you AP,

Careful We'll take good care of you.

Well, I'm really only here to weigh my options.

Options? Oh we've got lots of options!

Let's see, first we open up your vagina with this speculum,

and take this instrument, a little sort of like a harpoon,

we can shove it all in...

What's the matter, my dear?

I think I'm going into labor.

Oh, my goodness, we better abort in a hurry.

Dottor Cassidy!

What seems to be the problem, Miss Scraper?

This young lady needs to be de-foetused, stat!

An excellent choice, my dear. And so much better for the children,

I'm sure you'll agree. Now let's just take a tiny little listen, ok?

Whoa, my, my, that one is lively, isn't it?

That fuckin' speculum, I told you to throw mother-fucker away!

There's a case for the speculum!

- Next. - My anus!

My fuckin' butthole!

Call a doctor!

Tromaville Abortion Clinic, may I help you?

I'm sorry but the doctor just died of rectal hemorrhaging.

Would you like his voicemail?

It's alright, it's ok. It's ok, Toxie.

Look! I told you he'd be here!

Claire says that she knew you'd be here, in this dump!

It's the only place I know.

We'd like to thank you again, for bringing us back together.

- Yes, thank you. - So come on,

...let's get you out of here. - What's the point?

I mean I belong here in the dump with the garbage and the rotting food.

You seem to have forgotten something.

I'm a physicist. When I said I was gonna get you out of here,

- I meant this dimension! - Dimension.

- Come on. - Come on.

- Let's go. - We go.

A scientific comrade of mine was recently killed in a freak accident,

and he bequeathed me his laboratory

and all of his insane theories of inter-dimensional travel.

- Travel. - I hope you don't mind the mess.

Um, no, I didn't even notice it.

Now let's get you back to Tromaville.

I think I've got it. I've found the key to inter-dimensional travel

in this seldom read scientific tome.

Please tell me it doesn't involve exploding a school

...full of special children. - No, it's much simpler.

You see Toxie, You've had the power to go home this whole time.

These will help you find your way.

Oh, I give off!

The operating procedures are quite simple.

All you have to do is think of home and click your heels three times.

You may have to try this more than once.

Inter-dimensional travel is not an exact science.

You might find yourself in Heaven.

Or you might find yourself on a 1970's gay porno set.

Ready?

Upsy daisy.

- Come on, Tito. - Come on, Tito, hop up.

I'm not going.

What do you mean you're not going?

Tito, come on, we've got to go back to Tromaville. We don't belong here.

I don't belong anywhere.

But as long as there are people

like evil mabuki pagoop... Kabukiman running around,

I must stay and protect the citizens of Amortville.

I have become the Retarded Revenger!

Don't forget about your sidekick, Pompey

The baddest bodyless mother-fucker in all of Amortiville.

I want you to have this, in memory of Lardass.

Actually, Tito, you've already made me proud.

- My man. - I will miss you,

Toxic Avenger.

- I'll miss you too, Tito. - Yeah!

Can I have my blanket?

Ready?

There's no place like Tromaville. There's no place like Tromaville.

There's no place like Tromaville.

What's... What the... What the...

I never felt...

Cut!

- Alfred Jones. - Leukemia.

Jeffrey Smith.

- Alcoholism. - Bill Gullow.

Polio.

God, I kinda think they invented a cure for that one.

Goddammit! Well that's alright.

Every time they come up with a cure for one disease,

I come up with something even more deadly!

AIDS. Now that was a good one!

AIDS!

- God? - Yeah, what do you want?

- We just wanna go home. - You bastard!

What do you wanna go home for!?

This is Heaven! This is the best place around!

God, I think this is the Toxic Avenger, he's from Tromaville.

Alright, you can go back to Tromaville,

but you gotta do me two favors!

First you gotta kick the asses of all the murderers and child rapists!

And, you tell the Pope, stop talking about me, he doesn't know me.

And his hat is stupid!

- Uh, yes sir! - Get outta here!

Alright God! You're awesome!

All those other super human heroes would've died anyway.

Now I've got Toxie's shack,

we're drinkin', we got some bimbos on the way, it's all good.

Who the hell are you? Toxie...

Noxie, he's gonna kill. Oh what do I do?

I just had the weirdest dream! Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD you were there.

Except you were evil and you kicked my ass.

And you!

You weren't there. And you!

You weren't there either.

Who are you guys? What're you doing in my shack?

Don't hurt me.

Kabuk, where's Sarah? What's going on? What happened to you?

Toxie? Toxie,

is that really you? Is that the real you?

Yeah it's me.

Thank God!

Hey, you've gotta stop yourself, the evil version of you.

- You've gone power mad. - The evil version of me?

Sweetie Honey!

Then it wasn't a dream!

- Where's Sarah? - I saw her at the hospital.

She's been kidnapped by the evil Toxic Avenger, the evil you,

and wait, you don't wanna go in there. It's all sealed up tight now

and they got a shit load of guards and they all know kung fu and...

Ok. We've got to get the other heroes of Tromaville and storm the hospital!

They're all dead.

- All of them? - Yep.

- Even Dolphin Man? - Oh, yeah.

Alright, well then it's up to the two of us. C'mon, let's go.

Ok, I'll catch up with ya. I'll be right there. Just gonna...

- What's your name? - Sweetie Honey.

I'm a big girl too.

Oh yes you are, Here would you like a drink?

Good girl.

Yes, fight my son, Fight!

- How long!? - I'm not sure.

Very well. If you need me I'll be in the snack bar having nachos.

Kazinsky, we may have a problem.

What is it? I'm due for my nose job.

- I think Toxie's good again! - What misfortune.

Toxie, come in! Videhauffer says you've turned good again!

- What the hell is that? - Go check it out.

And make sure whatever he's talking about doesn't make it to this floor!

Yes, sir.

I've gotta find Sarah!

If there only were a giant map like they have at the mall.

Tromaville Hospital!

Oh, hello!

Let's see, I'm in here

and Noxie is here

and uh let's see here

armed guards that want to kill me are here.

Oh, no! Now I've got AIDS!

I've got to get out of here.

Toxie.

You blew up a school filled with special children.

What's inside your head?

Let's find out, shall we?

No, Toxie, no!

Sarah!

Yeah, I fucked her.

No.

Not only am I gonna kill you, I'm gonna rape your virgin ass first.

No!

Ever been in prison?

That won't work.

- Let's see... - What are you doing?

It's gonna blow.

I think my waters broke.

Do you know what the difference is between you and me? I'm a real person

I don't have to fill my body with plastics and silicone!

My eye is real! Doink!

My dick is real!

And my colon is real and my large intestine is real.

And my pancreas is real!

And my duodenal ulcer is real!

Most importantly...

so is my heart.

Stewy?

Bozo?

Melvin?

- I'm you. - I'm you.

Gimme a hug!

Oh, you're beautiful.

Sorry sorry sorry sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What is wrong with you?

I'm evil.

Don't you know that?

- Gimme some! - No.

That's it.

I'll be back, mother-fucker, if there's a sequel

I'll be back!

Sarah, it's ok honey, I'm here.

Oh, Melvin! I'm so glad you're back.

Doctors!

Is there a doctor in the house? Anyone, someone?

Oh, my God! She's hemorrhaging!

No no, this is just dick tissue.

Hello? Hello?

Baby?

Tonight at 11, bad Toxie goes out good Toxie in.

And congratulations Toxie, we heard it's a boy.

- Hey, all right! - Also at 11 our very own Levinsky.

Will be taking some of our local super heroes shopping for tights.

He's a beautiful, big, bouncing baby boy!

Sixty pounds and four ounces.

Oh, he is beautiful.

He looks just like you!

- Toxie. - Oh, Ms. Wiener.

I just really wanted to thank you for saving me and my beautiful baby

- Laqueesha. - She looks just like her mother.

And I've also brought the special students in to thank you, too.

Come on in kids.

- Hey Sweetie. - Toxie,

We made this award for you cause you're an alumnus

of the Tromaville School for the Very Special,

and you're very special.

Wow. Thanks kids.

And Toxie, I want you to have the blanky for the baby,

cause I'm a very big girl now and I don't need it.

- Are you sure? - Just ask Sgt. Kabukiman.

Hey hey hey!

Hey! Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD, my best friend. How ya feelin'?

Not too bad.

Doctors say my arm and leg should be healed in a couple of weeks.

I just can't wait to get the stitches removed from my anus.

Anus anus anus anus anus anus!

Knock knock.

Pompey, you got a new body, you're just not a head anymore.

If we're talking about bodies, you have some body on you!

Now we could talk about head and all that stuff later,

but are you ready to meet your other new child?

Wait a minute, another child?

The evil baby!

I think a child is as much a product of his environment as anything.

And I think we have enough love to raise any kid as a good kid.

Well, if you think so, Melvin.

Yeah, a real American family for the new millennium.

Awesome!

Now let's take a peek.

What?

Hey, cute kid.

Toxie, Toxie, I can explain.

I was drunk, she was tied down.

I forgot to zip up.

Alright, later.

Due to the depletion of the ozone layer

and the careless dumping of hazardous nuclear waste

thousands of people find themselves trapped

in an evil parallel universe every year and the numbers are rising.

This film is respectfully dedicated to those who have lost their lives

facing down their own evil doppelgangers.

So if you find yourself thrust into an alternate reality

look to the horizon

one hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength

will be there yes, dear reader, he'll be there.

He's the Toxic Avenger.

And please don't forget to recycle your bottles and cans.

This just in Jesus out, Satan in.

- And I for one worship the dark lord - Really? - Yeah I do.

You guys get together and have worship?

We do. Actually this Sunday we're having a calf slaughtering

at the ninety second street Y,

and our very own Josh Levinsky will be running a cake walk

and then we're going to sacrifice him.

- Really? - Yeah. - That's amazing.