Original subtitles

♪ You must remember this

♪ Akiss is still a kiss

♪ Asighis just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

(Bell rings)

Good morning. Name of Hardcastle?

- That's right. - Ignore his face. He's got the hump.

- I've a perfect right to have the hump. - Not on duty you haven't.

Having the dump on duty's unprofessional. Now, smile.

You can look at his face now, if you like.

I think I preferred him with the hump.

All over a bag of toffees.

- Chocolate raisins. - Toffees!

Did you come here specifically to have a row, or did you want something?

- Sorry. Name of Hardcastle. - Yeah, we've established that.

- So we did. Delivery for you. - Cots.

Cots?

- Cots. - For babies.

I think you've got the wrong address.

You claimed your name was Hardcastle.

I didn't claim anything. It is.

So, where do you want the cots?

Jean?

She'll know. Women always know where to put things.

If you were a woman, you'd never have put that bag of toffees on my seat.

They were chocolate raisins.

What's going on?

- We're having a fascinating debate on toffees. - Chocolate raisins!

Or chocolate raisins.

Which seems to have obscured the fact they're also insisting on delivering two babies' cots.

Oh, I see.

Now, come on - be honest.

Was it toffees, or chocolate raisins?

- Toffees. - Raisins.

Chocolate raisins.

That's that settled. The cots go upstairs. Follow me.

(Mobile plays a tune)

Oh, aren't they sweet?

- There's nobody there. - The cots.

- Yes, they're very nice. - I saw them, I just couldn't resist them.

- What are they for? - Babies, of course.

- Whose babies? - Judy and Sandy's babies.

I didn't even know they were pregnant.

They're not, as far as I know. But they will be - it stands to reason.

- Your reason, presumably. - Yes.

We're assuming all right. Why have we got two cots here already?

Lionel, do be sensible - for when they want us to look after the babies.

Ah.

Have you got their names down for a school yet?

- I do wish you'd stop doing that. - Don't you want grandchildren?

Not imaginary ones, no.

- I'm not sure. - Of course you do.

I just said I wasn't sure.

- This wallpaper's not right. - What's wallpaper got to do with it?

It's too stern for babies.

- Stern? - Babies like something colourful.

The curtains are rather frightening, too.

I think I'll have a custard tart.

(Nursery toy plays & Oranges And Lemons)

(Gasps)

I wish you wouldn't do that.

Oh, I was having a nightmare.

Too many custard tarts.

What was it about?

Bab...

Bay leaves.

How on earth can you have a nightmare about bay leaves?

Well, I was one.

You were actually a bay leaf?

Yes.

I was in this casserole, you see.

Cooking away, and I didn't like the onions.

A bay leaf with emotions...

Well, it was a nightmare.

- It's unbelievable, isn't it? - Yes, itis.

You were going to say babies, weren't you?

All right, yes.

Now, what in heaven's name can be nightmarish about babies?

- When they multiply. - Oh, honestly!

Anyway, they wouldn't just be any old babies - they'd be our grandchildren.

They'd be part of us.

In case you've forgotten, Judy's not my daughter.

- And Sandy's not our daughter. - Well, she's become like a daughter.

She and Harry come back from Canada tomorrow.

I have missed her.

Mm, so have I.

So, how many babies have they had in the year, do you suppose?

This is for the future, and for Judy and Alistair.

Mm. Hence the cots, and the non-frightening curtains?

They'll want us to look after them sometimes, won't they?

Unless you're refusing to do it?

Now you're talking in the present tense. There aren't any babies.

They might not even want babies.

You can be really depressing when you put your mind to it.

- I didn't mean to be. - No, I know.

I still think we should have picked up Harry and Sandy from the airport.

No, it's best Alistair does it. He has a way with airports.

Like parking right outside the terminal.

Why can't you do things like that?

I'm gifted in other areas.

- Shall we go back to sleep now? - Yes.

- Good night. - Good night.

Grandad.

Oh! Oh!

- (Sighs) - What is it?

I was having a nightmare.

I was a carrot in your casserole.

(Door bell)

- Come on, they're here. - I'm coming.

I'm coming.

- Sandy! - Hello.

- Harry. - Hello.

Sandy...

How's my old married lady? Harry, how are you?

- All right. - Fine.

(Runs upstairs sobbing)

Tired from the journey, I expect.

Well...

Go away!

Sorry, I thought it was Harry.

He thinks you're tired from the journey.

Does he really?

- Oh, Sandy, what's the matter? - It's Harry.

It was all so lovely, and now he's decided to kill himself.

Armed Response?

Yes.

- That's guns, isn't it? - Well, obviously.

Look, nothing's finalised, but I want to get on the fast track,

and volunteering for this could be a way of doing it.

No wonder Sandy's upset. I would be upset if Alistair wanted to do something dangerous.

Not that he would.

Publishing isn't the safest profession, you know.

You don't get shot doing it.

- All publishers make enemies. - Oh, Alistair!

I keep telling Sandy I'm after a promotion, not getting shot.

I just need to get on.

You see, I've got this Russian author with a really nasty temper.

Now, if I were to tell him his next book isn't exactly going to light up Red Square...

The most he'll do is throw a bowl of borsch at you.

Now, when did you tell Sandy this?

- Not long before we came home. - Oh, dear.

He could be in the Russian mafia for all I know.

Mm, nasty.

Could be, Harry.

Could be.

Alistair, stop posturing.

- Are you sure you've got the right word? - Positive.

What Harry's talking about is real danger.

JUDY: Lionel? - What?

What do you think?

- Well, it's not my life. - To put at risk, you mean?

No, I mean it's not my life.

It's not my career.

Let's face it - being a policeman isn't the safest job in the world in the first place.

- That's what I said to Sandy. - Oh, how very reassuring!

Give the guy a break.

It's his territory, and danger goes with the territory.

It's like Li fighting lions in Kenya.

I didn't fight any lions in Kenya.

What about fighting the Russians in Korea?

You really should brush up on your history, Alistair.

- Japanese, then. - Seriously brush up on your history.

What does Sandy want me to be, anyway? A traffic warden?

Well, don't just sit there. Go up to her.

Not all of you.

Harry.

- Well, you're a fine lot. - What have we done?

Well, you've obviously not talked him round, that's what.

Mum? What are you doing?

This is a substitute for hitting somebody over the head.

I'm sorry, Mum. I did try, honestly. It's just, well, Harry's got that stubborn look on his face.

Lionel says it's not his business,

Alistair's busy trying to convince everyone he's a target for the Russian mafia.

That's typical Lionel.

- Did you say Russian mafia? - You don't want to go there.

- Perhaps not. Coffee? - I'll make it. You should sit down.

No, no. I'm not tired.

- Nevertheless... - (Sighs) Nevertheless.

I've never asked you how you and Alistair are.

You only saw us last week.

Yes, I know. I meant, as a marriage.

Well, we're fine.

We really are. I mean, you could never describe Alistair as dull.

Apart from the odd little flight into never-never land, we're fine, we really are.

- Good. - Yes.

That's really good.

Mum, I'm not pregnant.

Who mentioned pregnancy?

You might as well have it printed on your forehead every time you ask me how I am.

All right. I'd love grandchildren. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?

No, no, I suppose there isn't.

- And so would Lionel. - Are you sure?

He'll come round.

Sorry about that.

- It wasn't your fault. It was Harry's... - No, it wasn't Harry's fault either.

I can't blame him for wanting to get on, and he's doing it for me.

Why are there two cots in my room?

(Gasps) Oh, Mum!

Don't you "Oh, Mum" me!

I bought them in case we had people to stay.

I'm not sure we should have sneaked off like this.

We didn't sneak off. We just left quietly.

You sound like someone in the witness box.

I might be later.

Hey...

Is it me, or are those two guys at the bar giving us hostile looks?

It's you. They're just sitting there.

I'm not so sure, Li...

Right - when I say, "Now",

look round suddenly, and catch them at it.

Now!

You didn't look!

There's nothing to look at.

I'm sorry to say this, but professionally, that's a very bad call.

If you ask me, those guys are on the prod.

On the prod? This isn't Dodge City.

They're wearing cardigans.

Even ugly customers can wear cardigans, Li.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing. I just don't like being threatened, that's all.

I may need backup.

- Oh, sit down! - I'll nick you for breach of the peace in a minute.

I just think they should know they're skating on thin ice.

And you've just fallen through it.

Look, I don't know what you're trying to prove...

I'm not trying to prove anything. Nothing at all.

All right, all right.

Same again, Harry?

No, thanks. I'm going to take Sandy out for lunch.

- No, I'm doing that. - Now, wait a minute, Alistair...

I mean, I'm taking all of us out to lunch. Everybody.

Hey.

Jean-Paul.

Alistair Deacon. Six for lunch? Mm-hm.

One-thirty? Uh huh.

Table by the window?

OK, au revoir.

Done.

Now... Where were we?

We were talking about you trying to prove something.

Hey, it was just a phone call.

Watch it, they're coming over.

Oh.

My heart was in my mouth then.

FRENCHMAN: Mr Deacon, will you please leave quietly?

No, I will not.

LIONEL: You're embarrassing everyone. JEAN: Please.

ALISTAIR: / demand the table by the window! JUDY: You're being ridiculous.

HARRY: Let's go. WAITER: Promptly, if you please.

ALISTAIR: Well, I don't please!

WAITER: Louis, Gaston? ALISTAIR: Oh, bringing in the heavies, are we?

WAITER: Let go of my labels!

(Commotion)

(Smashing glass)

I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.

All over a table. What's wrong with Alistair?

Perhaps it's being married. There is a tendency for husbands to show off in front of their wives.

You don't.

I do, but it's probably so subtle, you don't notice.

- Harry doesn't do things like that. - Harry's sensible.

- Upto a point. - Upto a point.

I quite fancied a sandwich anyway.

I bet the food was delicious at Jean-Paul's.

I dare say. We didn't even get to see the menu, did we?

- Shall I take some of these through? - Please.

I trust his testosterone levels are down?

More or less. He's talking to Harry about taking up rugby.

Rugby?

- Alistair? - Well, it's not that funny.

No, of course it's not.

So, why are you laughing?

I think it's all a bit sad.

Well, it's only a game. It's not an art form.

What do you mean, "all"?

Well, look at it - so far, in half a day,

he's claimed to be under threat from the Russian mafia,

acted like Billy the Kid in a pub, and then got us all chucked out of the restaurant.

It's just not Alistair, is it? I mean, I know he's a bit weird...

- He is not a bit weird! - Sorry.

Do you know what I think?

That he's gone mad?

No. I think he's trying to prove something.

Well, what's he trying to prove?

(Sirens)

Oh, God.

I do wish you'd stop grumbling.

I'm reading.

Well, you're turning the pages in a grumpy way.

I suppose if I go to sleep, you'll accuse me of snoring grumpily.

It can be done.

How?

(Imitates snoring)

You sound like a pig rooting for truffles.

Well, you do it, then. You're the grumpy one.

I'm not grumpy. I'm...

Well, let's face it - it hasn't been the best day of our lives, has it?

- No, true. - Then, to cap it all, they all have to stay here.

Haven't they got homes to go to?

Harry and Sandy haven't. We're looking after them until they find somewhere.

- Judy and Alistair? - They just thought they would.

Oh, did they?

You're not suggesting they have written invitations?

- (Sighs) - Now you're sighing grumpily.

It's not the people.

It's the problems they bring with them.

Well, grandparents do worry.

We are not grandparents.

You won't be happy till you get those cots occupied, will you?

Oh, they'll be occupied, you'll see.

What are you going to do in the meantime? Get a couple of babies out on hire?

- That's not funny. - It wasn't supposed to be.

You're obsessing.

(Sighs)

- You really don't like babies, do you? - Not when they're young, no.

- You can't have old babies. - Yes, you can. They're called grown-ups.

- Shush, shush! - I wasn't saying anything.

No...

Someone's moving about.

Well, probably going to the bathroom.

No, they're going downstairs. Go and have a look.

- Oh, for heaven's sake! - No!

Who could be going downstairs?

Almost everyone in the world at some stage.

You're no help, are you?

I'm doing my best.

Is somebody up?

JUDY: It's only me. Go back to bed.

(Lionel laughs nervously)

It's Judy.

You made that a bit obvious.

You wanted to know who it was, and I found out.

Now she knows we know she's up.

So she does.

What are you doing?

"Go back to bed", she said, so I am.

- You're just going to lie there? - It's what I generally do in bed.

Oh!

- Now what are you doing? - I'm going to go down and see if Judy's all right.

Of course she's all right. If she wasn't all right, she'd have come in to see you.

Oh...

Yes, I suppose so.

Come back to bed.

Yes. Probably best.

I'l just look and see if she's all right.

Oh, Judy, you're here.

I told Lionel to go back to bed.

He has.

But you haven't.

No.

I couldn't sleep.

You always used to tell me a story when I couldn't sleep.

Which one would you like?

- Oh, all right. I'm worried about Alistair. - We're all worried about Alistair.

You said it's as though he's trying to prove something.

Well, I think you're right.

I think he is, if you see what I mean.

Why is it that men think that women instinctively understand each other?

Because we do.

Only I don't.

- Mum, I'd like a baby... - Oh, Judy!

_.and so would Alistair,

but...

(Gasps)

Oh.

- It's not me. - Well, of course it isn't.

- Are you sure? - Positive.

- So, I think Alistair's blaming himself. - So he should. It's his fault.

No, it's not his fault!

Maybe we're just not being lucky.

It's just that if there is a problem, I wish he would find out.

- Instead of taking up rugby? - And all the rest of it.

He's trying to be so macho, but, well, I think he's just in denial.

I'll get Lionel to talk to him.

Do you think he would? He really needs a man to talk to. Will Lionel do it?

Of course he will.

No.

You haven't even thought about it.

You're just busy stuffing yourself.

I'm not stuffing myself. I'm eating a piece of toast.

I'm perfectly capable of eating toast and thinking at the same time, and the answer is no.

This all goes back to your hatred of babies, doesn't it?

I do not hate babies.

I'l tell you what I do hate - I hate sticking my nose into other people's affairs.

- Well, think of it as my nose. - Whoever's nose it is, it's still being stuck in.

And a subject like this...

It's too personal.

Well, society's very open about this sort of thing these days.

Then get society to talk to Alistair.

- And Alistair really respects you. - No!

- And Judy really loves you. - No!

- And what's that got to do with it? - Well...

If you want somebody to do you a personal favour, who do you ask?

Somebody you really love.

Are you now claiming that this is Judy's idea?

Well...

No, I thought not. Is there any more tea in that pot?

I really shouldn't have asked that question, should I?

- That was childish. - Yes, it was.

- More toast? - Yes, please.

So... this is going to be my day, is it, having food thrown at me?

I'm making a casserole tonight.

I shall look forward to that. I hope you're making a jelly as well.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Good.

(Sighs) Very well. I'll talk to Alistair.

- Oh! - You don't think that's a good idea?

- Not one of your best, no. - Why not?

Well...

Morning, mom- and pop-in-law.

- Good morning, Alistair. - Morning, Alistair. How are you today?

I feel as fit...

as a mountain gorilla.

Oh, God.

I've got to go. I've got some shopping to do.

Hey, if you need any heavy lifting...

Only croissants.

No, I'll leave you two to have a...man-to-man chat.

Lionel loves man-to-man chats, don't you, Lionel?

I never say no to a powwow with the old Chief.

Perhaps we can smoke a peace pipe as well.

I'll see you later.

- Jean? - What?

Nothing.

Isn't that great? You're still like two crazy kids in love.

Well, the crazy bit's right.

(Footsteps on stairs) - Oh, there you are.

- Good morning. - Sleep well?

Yes, thanks. It was strange being back in my old bed, though.

- Well, Harry was in the old bed too, wasn't he? - Of course he was.

- Look, we're all right. - Let's have some breakfast.

- No. - No?

I don't mean don't have any breakfast. I mean, don't have any breakfast yet,

because I'm going out for fresh croissants.

Oh, all right. We'll see you later, then.

Aren't you coming too?

Well, all right. If you'd like us to.

Well, yes.

Company, isn't it? It's more fun.

Come on, then.

Is it me, or is she going a bit funny?

So, Li...

what are we supposed to be chatting about?

Oh...this and that.

Do you want children?

I'l tell you something.

It is one of my greatest hopes to see you sitting there one day with a little me on your knee.

Really?

Or a little girl me.

Yes.

Or if it were twins, you could have a little me on each knee.

Does that answer your question?

Just one thing - aren't you jumping the gun a bit?

Rome wasn't built in a day, Li.

- That's true. - And if Judy isn't up to speed...

Judy thinks you might be the one who isn't getting up to speed.

What?

She told Jean.

But I'm Alistair Deacon.

That's as relevant as saying you're General Patton.

Old Blood and Guts he was called, you know.

Funnily, it is relevant - look at all the battles he won.

We're not talking about battles. We're talking about...

Well, you know what we're talking about.

It defies belief.

Well, maybe it does, but wouldn't it be better if you could find out...

you know, officially?

Could be Judy.

She says no, and Judy doesn't tell lies.

She has been to see somebody.

Well, there you are, then.

Are you saying you want me to see somebody?

For Judy's sake.

- Me? - Yes.

- Me, Alistair Deacon? - Yes.

Alistair Deacon?

Stop talking about yourself in the third person.

It's that bizarre, Li.

It's not bizarre, and it's not any kind of slur on your manhood.

It's just...the sensible thing to do.

You mean, you did it?

No, but just take my word for it.

For Judy.

All right. I'l do it.

I'l... I'l phone a guy who might know a guy.

That's the spirit.

Me.

Alistair Deacon...

You'll come with me, won't you?

Dr Who?

Plonk?

Oh, Plank.

Withan A.

And an extra K?

Yeah. Dr Plankk, as in thick as two short ones, but with an extra K. Mm.

Yeah, well, I'm sure he is.

Yeah, thanks a bundle.

When?

That soon?

Me? (Laughs)

No way, José.

No, this is for a friend of mine. Mm.

Name?

Uh, Hardcastle.

I'll just be going along for moral support.

Yeah, yeah, OK.

Yeah. Thanks again, Max. Ciao.

I overslept.

You weren't sick when you got up this morning?

No, I wasn't sick.

- Ah. - Who were you phoning?

Oh, just a business associate.

Look, Judy, I...

I had a word with Lionel this morning.

Oh?

About little Alistair Junior, or rather, the lack of little Alistair Junior.

Real mano-a-mano stuff, no punches pulled.

Any conclusions?

Oh, yes.

You know, for an old bull elephant, Lionel can be very indirect sometimes,

but I seized the initiative, and I fixed myself up with a consultant.

It'll just be a formality, of course, but I thought it was the best thing to do.

- Oh, thank you, Alistair. - Oh! (Laughs)

Oh!

You're not nervous, are you?

Nervous?

Oh, Judy!

Nervous is not a word in my vocabulary.

Result?

Total embarrassment on my part.

- But did you win? - Well, if you want to put it like that.

Alistair agreed to talk to a guy who might know a guy.

Oh, you are clever!

If I were clever, I'd have stayed right out of it.

Good. That's one down, one to go.

- What do you mean? - Harry.

- What about him? - We were saying how well he looks.

And how we need to change his mind about the Armed Response business.

No, we don't.

Look, I know it's well intended, but at the end of the day, it's Harry's decision.

What is?

Oh, I do wish people would stop appearing from nowhere.

I just brought the croissants, and if the decision you're talking about is the one I think it is,

I don't see why it's suddenly in the public domain.

We're not the public, and we care about you.

- Which is kind, but... - But it's our business.

- Oh, fine. Fine, fing, fine. - (Groans)

Jean!

- Jean? - (Sighs)

Funny, isn't it?

I'm supposed to keep the peace.

Look on the bright side - there's been no actual violence.

- Mm. Croissant? - No, thanks.

What if I were a tightrope walker?

That requires a stretch of the imagination.

But what if I were? It would simply be what I did for a living.

It would just be my job.

When you were in Korea, you were just doing your job.

I know, but I didn't volunteer for it.

It's Sandy, you see.

Every time I look at her sleeping beside me, I have the same thought.

The thought that I want to look after her, I want to give her the very best life I can.

Well, of course you do.

And if Armed Response is a way of doing tt, then...

Tell me I've got a point.

My guy knew a guy, Li. The appointments on Tuesday morning.

- Jolly good. - That's when I go in front of the police board.

It's going to be quite a day, isn't it?

Good morning.

Oh, dear.

Where are you going?

Oh, nowhere special.

Now?

It seems as good a time as any.

I thought you might like to stay, and cheer us up.

By the look of you three, there's not much chance of that.

Hello, mate.

Get off!

- Today's the day, Li. - (Sighs)

Judy...

- Sandy... - Oh...

Jean...

Would you like me to get some people in off the street, and you can start on them?

That's very unfeeling, Lionel.

I'm just trying to introduce a note of realism, that's all.

It's not the end of civilisation as we know it.

It's a job interview, and a doctor's appointment.

Which could leave Judy childless, and Sandy a widow.

Now look what you've done!

I shouldn't have got up this morning.

Right, I'm off now.

You're not hugging everybody first, are you?

- Only me. - Bye, then.

Bye.

Good luck with the old... (Imitates machine gun)

Itwas a joke. I...

And I thought Lionel was the master of insensitivity.

- Look, Sandy... - No, I mean it.

I know you're doing it for me. I just wish...

Look, I'm just trying to get promoted.

It's what any bloke tries for. Even Alistair.

No, I think Alistair was born promoted.

Well, most blokes, then, and it's not as dangerous as you think, I promise.

Off you go, then.

And make sure you come back as something very senior.

Chief constable, probably.

- I'll see you later. - Yeah.

(Sighs)

- Let's have a cup of tea, and a chat. - Can we just settle for a cup of tea?

Now, what time are you two making a move?

About now, I should think.

- Doesn't the old clock go round? - They usually do.

- You're all right? - Me?

Oh, I'm cool.

Apart from a slight numbness in the left leg.

- Come on, Alistair. - OK, Li.

Oh, and, um...

thanks again for volunteering to come with me.

Good luck.

Oh!

I'll be thinking of you.

So shall l.

Of you, I mean.

I see Mafeking's been relieved.

Really?

Don't even think about it.

There is a prob with all this.

It's called fear.

No, I mean, by actually being here.

You see, if word ever got out, I'd lose my street cred, you know that?

Look, you're doing an honest thing.

I've always thought that that was good for one's self-respect.

You're right.

You've got street cred, you know.

I shall treasure it.

Anyway, I'm sure Dr Plankk is very discreet.

I'm sure he is.

Dr Plankk?

He's Austrian.

Frank Plankk.

With two Ks.

Frank or Plankk?

Plankk.

Mr Blakesley?

I think he lost his nerve.

Why are men such babies?

Mr Hardcastle, then?

But I'm Mr Hardcastle.

Really?

Yes, really.

Would you fill in this form for the doctor?

Me?

Just a few personal details.

Ah...

Um, there seems to have been some mistake.

The appointment was made in the name of Hardcastle.

That would be my secretary. What would you do with women?

Anyway, um... it's me the doctor wants to see.

- Sorry, Li. Street cred. - Just fill in the form.

Oh, um...

- See, where it says "name... - Funnily enough, you write your name.

I couldn't just put Mr X, could I?

Well, come on.

- Where? - Fora walk.

We can't sit around like the Trojan women all day.

- They were widowed, were they? - Well, some other women, then.

Someone might be back soon.

Oh, bound to be.

Oh!

Well, let's watch television. There's always a film on in the afternoons.

Lionel always drops off during the film in the afternoons.

There you are, you see? The Charge Of The Light Brigade.

- There were hundreds of people killed in that. - Well, we've got to do something.

- Why? - Well, to make the time go quicker.

What about a game of Scrabble?

Oh, Mum!

Oh, well, I'm going for a walk.

You might miss someone.

Oh!

I suppose so.

Well, we'll just have to wait, then.

- That's what we were doing. - Is anybody hungry?

Oh, I couldn't eat a thing.

Oh, Sandy, you really must stop worrying.

I suppose you didn't worry when Lionel went to Korea?

Of course I did. I was a nervous wreck. It's a wonder I didn't kill all my patients.

I kept praying he'd just get shot in the leg, and sent home.

Perhaps Harry will only get shot in the leg.

Has anyone ever considered the possibility he might not get shot at all?

Oh, yes, of course I have.

I mean, after all, Lionel went through a whole war,

and the only injury he got was getting kicked in the head by an enemy mule.

I don't suppose the poor thing even knew which side he was on.

Lionel?

No, the mule.

I know one thing.

If Harry gets this job, it's going to be ever so hard to look cheerful about it.

- Oh, why try? - Because I love him.

(Siren)

Oh, it's you.

I've had warmer welcomes.

It's only Lionel.

There's no need to gush.

- What have you done with Alistair? - I haven't done anything. He's still there.

They haven't kept him in, have they?

It's a surgery, not a hospital.

He insisted on waiting till they get the lab results.

He said he wanted to be on his own when he gets them.

Something about personal cred.

What does that mean?

God knows. What about Harry?

He's not back yet.

Oh.

Well, I'm going to get something to eat.

Now?

Yes, now.

How can you eat at a time like this?

First of all, I put the food in my mouth...

Don't be juvenile.

Juvenile? Huh!

My only excuse is that I spent the best part of the morning with one.

Everyone else has the decency to worry about Alistair and Harry.

I'm not indecent, I'm just hungry.

- Is that a jam sandwich you're making? - Yes.

You're regressing.

If I were really regressing, we'd be upstairs in bed.

Oh!

- Oh, now, that's sweet. - Good.

- Now can I get on with my jam sandwich? - Yes.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Yes, please. Would you like a jam sandwich?

No, thank you.

I suppose we were passionate once, weren't we?

In a quiet sort of way, yes.

- May I come in? - Why on earth did you knock?

I thought perhaps you wanted to be alone.

Oh, we're just making a jam sandwich and a cup of tea.

- A jam sandwich? - Mm.

No, I just thought perhaps you'd had enough of everyone else's problems for one day.

Well, to tell the truth...

Of course we haven't.

We're a family.

A pretty dysfunctional one at the moment, but still a family.

And you're part of it, so there.

I've got something to tell you.

I didn't hear the phone.

Not about Harry.

Well, it is about Harry.

And me.

I'm pregnant.

(Gasps) Oh, Sandy!

How wonderful!

- Congratulations. - You can't shake hands.

Oh, sorry.

- A baby! A grandchild. - Not strictly speaking.

Oh, don't be so pedantic.

- When did you know? - Just before we came home.

- Why didn't you tell us before? - Because, well...

- Because other things came up, I suppose. - Harry's job?

Yes.

Generally speaking, I try to stay neutral.

Quite successfully.

But this time... I like Harry. He's a good lad.

But how he could apply for a job which worries you so much

with you just pregnant is beyond me.

- Quite right. - But he didn't know.

- He doesn't know. I haven't told him. - What?

Not yet, anyway.

But he's the father.

Isn't he?

Well, of course he is!

Of course he is!

Well, why didn't you tell him?

Because he applied for the job just before I found out I was pregnant,

and if I'd have told him then, well, don't you see?

I would have been saying, "Don't try and get on, because I'm going to have a baby."

- How unfair would that have been? - I'd have told him if I was going to have a baby.

Sowould I.

It's hard to think of you being pregnant, Lionel.

I don't know how you can joke.

Oh, because I feel so much better now I've told you two.

And we're still going to have a baby, whatever happens.

- Oh, but Sandy... - Look, there isn't a but or anything.

- I'll tell him soon... - Harry's back.

What?

- Now, I think we should leave them alone. - Yes.

Well, look, if Mum's going...

Come on.

Why does everything in this house turn into a rally?

I seem to have drawn a crowd.

- Sorry, Harry. Look, everyone... - No, it doesn't matter.

- You'll all know sooner or later. - Well? What happened?

- They turned me down. - Oh, Harry!

Oh, well done, Harry.

No, I said they turned me down.

I mean, well done for trying.

- Never mind, Harry. - Well, Sandy's happy. That's the main thing.

Oh, I'am. I'm sorry, but I am.

- Are you all right? - Yes, I'm fine.

- Thinking of applying for the Vice Squad next. - Oh!

I'm joking, I'm joking.

So, why did they turn you down?

Why? They weren't very specific.

I suppose you don't have to be if you've got silver braid all over your hat.

They just said I was unsuitable.

Unsuitable? What a thing to say!

You should have made them be specific. You should have made them.

You didn't want him to get the job.

Well, I know, but I thought they'd be better judges than that.

The fools.

Don't try, don't try.

(Bell rings)

Oh, that'll be Alistair.

- Have you had any lunch, Harry? - No.

There's a jam sandwich in the kitchen.

Yes, Sandy, go and help Harry eat the jam sandwich.

- I don't really fancy a jam... - Good idea. Come on, Harry.

OK...

- Hi, Harry. How did the interview go? - I failed.

Way to go, way to go.

- You're looking very chipper, Alistair. - I'm rampant, Li.

- Rampant. - Does this mean that everything's all right?

As in all cannons firing.

Oh, I'm so relieved!

So, there's absolutely no reason why we can't have children?

Was there ever any doubt?

By the colour of your face in that waiting room, yes, there was.

Must have been the lighting. Oh, Mr Blakesley came back.

- His wife was bringing him in as I left. - Who's Mr Blakesley?

Someone else who looked a funny colour because of the lighting.

What did the doctor say?

He said, (In German accent): "You and your frau must not get tight up."

- I think he must have meant uptight. - But his English wasn't brilliant.

What he actually meant was, "Just relax, and it will happen."

Oh, thank goodness!

Oh, well, you two have had quite a day of it.

Why don't you take Judy home, and just relax?

What?

You're determined to get those cots occupied.

Oh, do give me some credit.

I really did mean relax. You know, have a lie-down.

It's no better, is it?

- Cots? Cots? What cots? - Ali... No, I'll tell you on the way home.

- Come on. - Will you be slipping into something ridiculous?

No, I won't. I've got quite a lot of ironing to do.

Oh.

I'm always putting off ironing.

You're my kinda lady, you know that?

See you later, folks-in-law.

Bye, Alistair.

I'm always putting off ironing.

Well, [ am.

I'm going to be a dad. I'm going to be a dad!

Oh, Harry!

Harry, that is wonderful!

Ace, mate, ace.

We'll call you later. We've got some rather serious ironing to do.

I'm gonna be a dad!

My Sandy, a mother.

- Would you like a brandy? - Oh, no, no, I'm fine.

I love kids, you know.

Well, you should have a lot more.

Let him have this one first.

Just a minute.

You two don't seem surprised.

Sandy didn't tell you first, did she?

No. No, no!

No, of course not.

- just sensed it. - Did you sense it as well, Lionel?

No, but Jean told me she did, and I always believe everything she says.

- Right. - Harry, I ought to tell you...

Harry was just asking us if we knew about the baby.

I said, "Of course not. We just sensed it."

- Isn't that remarkable? - Oh, remarkable.

Don't you think women are remarkable, Lionel?

Every day.

What shall we do to celebrate?

We could always go back to the restaurant we got chucked out of.

We can do something this evening. Now I'd like to go out for a little walk.

Oh, yes, let's. Come on, Lionel.

I really meant just me and Harry.

Oh, of course you did.

I'll just pop upstairs.

Don't run.

I don't suppose losing the job seems that important now, does it, Harry?

- Insignificant. - I'm still surprised they turned you down.

- I don't think they did. - What?

I think Harry turned them down.

How did you know?

Everyone was so busy being relieved

that they failed to notice that you didn't look disappointed enough.

Oh... just couldn't do it.

I know how much Sandy hated the idea, but she never said anything, she never nagged.

She didn't tell me about the baby, though she must've known.

- You're a lucky man, Harry. - Oh, I know that.

And a good man. You did the right thing.

- You'll get your promotion some other way. - I hope so.

See you both later, then.

Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

Fancy you working that one out.

You're much cleverer than you look, you know.

That's not difficult.

They're going to be all right, those two.

I wonder will baby Alistair get on with baby Harry?

If they're anything like the grown-up versions, I rather doubt it.

Now, can we please talk about something other than babies?

Oh, yes, of course.

Oh, that's nice.

Yes, itis.

Why did you and Margaret never have any children?

- Oh, God... - I just wondered.

Oh, all right.

Margaret wasn't what you'd call the maternal sort.

She claimed that children affected her sinuses.

She had a cat.

So, she denied you the children you always wanted?

I wouldn't put it quite like that.

I suppose if one or two had happened along the way, well, I wouldn't have said no.

If one or two had happened along the way, you wouldn't have been able to say no.

That's true.

Oh, don't be sad.

How can I be sad when I've got all I ever wanted beside me?

Oh!

(Door bell rings)

Why do door bells always do that?

Oh, because people push them, I suppose.

(Groans)

- Good afternoon. - Good afternoon.

Is this the home of Lionel Hardcastle?

Yes, itis.

I have come a very long way to see him.

Really?

From Kenya.

But that journey is now worthwhile

because I have found my father.

Lionel?

Lionel!

♪ You must remember this

♪ Akiss is still a kiss

♪ Asighis just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by