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Happiness is right here.

400 steps up the steeple of Our Saviour's Church with no panties on and with Emil.

Jesus, I'm in love with you!

And he just said he's in love with me.

Everybody's hoping

Never to be abandoned

Alone

When you reach out to me

I am always there

I think most of us long to be entangled in other people's lives.

To belong to someone.

Someone who stays, when times are bad.

When everything turns sour and ugly.

Emil and I nearly didn't happen.

I didn't even notice him, the first time I met him,

-Congrats on your book. -Thanks.

-We are huge fans. -Really?

My best friend, Gro, brought him along.

-Hi, Gro! -Here you go.

-My favorite bubbly. -Congrats.

Thanks, darling.

Huge congrats. I'm going to pop out again…

-To charge the car. -It's got power.

I want to try it. We've just bought a Tesla.

-Right. -Thanks.

Mia, meet Emil. He's our upstairs neighbor.

Hi. Mia.

-Congratulations. -Thanks!

Emil needed to get out. Divorced. Lacking in vitamin D, right?

Exactly. On the brink of scurvy.

-Scurvy? -Yeah. It's an odd old word.

That's how I thought of him too. "Odd and old."

Dear Mia, Tour de Force is here.

The story about Rebecca and her struggles with love.

I love being your editor and am honored also to be your friend.

Come on up here.

Come on!

"Rebecca knew how to be in love."

"She knew how to be a dream, a fantasy,

but she didn't know how to be someone's girlfriend."

"Once again, she had fallen for an immature man with commitment issues."

"He didn't have to say anything. She could hear him think."

"'Let me get away from that crazy and emotional desperado."

"So, back in the saddle, Rebecca. Swipe, swipe, swipe."

No… It's that song with Tessa. Come on.

Not again.

-Come on! -Wait.

I actually didn't notice Emil.

I mostly saw this guy.

Do you want to come home with me and hear some red wine…

or listen to records and drink some red wine?

I've got school tomorrow.

-You're in college? -No, I'm in high school.

I'm a sophomore. At Rysensteen.

Some might say that. But not me.

No way, José.

I would still be screwing teenagers, had Gro not insisted…

Meet him for coffee, for God's sake!

He's sweet and decent, and you fascinate him.

-What's wrong with him? -Nothing.

Wouldn't it be fun to try an adult for a change?

And stop saying that he's too old! You're the same age.

-So I became an archaeologist instead. -Really? That's crazy.

So you go digging in Egypt with a tiny spoon?

No, I don't do that.

It's more like computer glasses and spreadsheets at the Glyptotek Museum.

I'm the exhibition director.

-I've read your book. -Okay?

-Yeah. -That was fast.

Well, I have plenty of time, when I don't have the kids…

Oh no! He's got kids!

-Gro did mention my kids, right? -Nope.

-She didn't. But it's f… -Don't worry. I won't whip out the photos.

That's the spot I had in mind.

Okay. That's a nice spot.

Do you create Rebecca based on your own experiences?

I borrow from my own life, fictionalize it and…

-Then it just evolves. -That sounds cool.

-I'm not even on IG, so I'm more private. -Okay.

Shit!

What?

-Can I just… -What's up?

-Can I hide here for a second, please? -Sure…

I dated the guy with the bike for six months.

Okay.

Is he dangerous?

I think he's spotted you.

He's stopped now.

-Hi. -Hi.

Would you tell the woman trying to hide I'd like my Prince album?

Hi, Jeppe.

Sorry about your album. I'll send it to you.

Is that all you have to say?

What do you want me to say?

"Sorry, I just left you like that," maybe?

-Good luck with her. -Stop it, Jeppe!

-Thanks. -I told you, you'll get your album back.

-Forget it. I've got Spotify. -But…

-I'm sorry you had to see that. -Don't be. It was a wonderful moment.

I have a knack for picking the idiots.

-Do you want me to beat him up? -Yes!

-I'll do that then. -No…

Anyway, I wanted to say that your book is really funny.

And I love the way you question the structures.

I like your humorous approach.

Say that again.

-What? -Structures.

Structures.

Your mouth looks sexy when you say "structures."

I get that a lot.

That's why I slip it into conversation.

Structures.

He was sweet, intelligent and mature, but I'd still be ditching him anyway.

-He's got two kids! -All right.

Isn't that pretty settled? Is that cool?

I talked to my brother and his boyfriend, who have an actual relationship.

So what if he's got kids?

-People have kids. -Right.

We don't, but I mean, people have kids, Mia.

-We're probably just very different. -So are we.

It took me three years to get your brother's humor.

"Oh, you're being ironic now and not callous."

I'm glad you think so.

But for once it's someone, we'd like to have a glass of red wine with.

Remember that freshman…

-He was a college freshman! -No!

-That guy with the band and daddy issues. -And threw up all over my kilim rug.

And drank my expensive Christmas Barolo from the ministry.

-Stop! -It was expensive.

You fucked in the bathroom! No!

-What? -Sorry!

-No, he can't cope! -I want to hear this. What?

I've hot-cycled all the towels.

-Great. -Don't worry about it.

-That was supposed to be a secret. -I've got it.

-I'll find a younger guy. -No…

-Here's to a younger guy. -No!

-I was being ironic, honey. -Good! Cheers.

And then I finally landed in my thirties

and decided to give "odd and old" a chance.

What are you doing?

-Can't you tell? It's a napkin flower. -It's pretty.

-Thanks. -Where did you learn to do that?

I took an origami course. Three months in Kyoto.

I lie. I got it off YouTube.

-You're silly. -I don't think so.

You have a lovely laugh.

Thanks.

It's for you.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

Right!

No!

No! You're awesome!

Don't stop.

Sorry, I've got to get it. It's Katrine's ringtone.

-What? -It might be important. I'll just…

Hey, what's up?

Now?

Right, bye.

They're on their way up.

-What? Who? -Felix and Selma.

I'm really crazy about you,

but it might be a bit too soon for them to meet you.

-I think you… -Yes, of course.

-Could we… Yes! -Right…

-What else? -My pants.

Here they are!

Goddammit.

Right. No, no! The kitchen stairs.

Dad!

Dad?

Okay!

-Did you have a nice day? -I've got a bogey.

On your finger? That's great!

Wash your hands. I'll get you some lemonade.

-But, Dad? -Yeah?

Selma says, Brother is a name. No goddamn way, right?

Yes. Mind your language. Sis is a name too.

It means sister.

-Yeah… -This is for you.

That's so weird.

-Dad, whose toothbrush is this? -Yeah, whose toothbrush is it?

Good question.

It's someone called Mia's… toothbrush.

Why didn't she take it with her when she left?

That's a good question.

-Dad, you're smiling. -Yes!

-You're weird. -Yes, I'm a bit weird.

It's just because Mia makes me very happy.

Did Mom give you a good beating at hers?

Or do I have to do it every time?

No…

Don't get annoyed, all right? I can just smell that it's tested as the best.

-When I read it… -Hi!

-Hi. -Hi.

-Hello? -How nice.

-Did you use the backdoor? -Hi, honey.

-Hi. -Hi.

-Yeah… -Good morning.

Good morning. Were you upstairs, you slut?

-I was. -Do you want coffee?

-Yes, please. -Thanks.

-Tell me. -I like him more and more.

-I told you so. -And the sex is really good.

-Hallelujah, sister. -I'm not surprised.

We're all fuckboys in this building.

He's genetically predisposed.

Isn't that right?

-Are you a little fuckboy? -Stop it!

-Can you say fuckboy? -Of course not!

-Fuckboy. -Yay!

Cut it out.

So, you'll be a bonus mom.

-"Cardboard mom." -Steady on.

"Plastic mom"? What's the name for it?

-I don't know. -Well.

I have to meet them first, and then we'll see, I guess.

God!

That's crazy!

It's either the evil stepmom or the sweet governess, right?

That's your choice.

Heavy stereotypes.

Then I'll opt for the sweet one of them for sure.

The do-gooder, who sings with the kids.

From that movie.

-No, with the umbrella and the bag. -Right!

That's me.

Everybody likes her.

Could that be a book? The bonus mom whom everybody likes?

It's juicy. And a lot of people are just…

It's their reality, right? "Your, mine, our children."

A huge readership.

Rikke!

I haven't even met them, and you're turning it into a business deal!

-Is it too much? -No.

Are you nervous?

-Let's go in. -Can't wait.

Me too.

Sadly, they're hiding, so I don't know where they are.

Oh dear.

-Yeah. -What a shame.

Yeah.

Because I have these giant chocolate bars.

Felix, giant chocolate bars! Open!

Hi, guys.

This is Mia.

I'm so excited to meet you.

These are for you.

But I can't remember if you even like chocolate.

We do, Dad.

Would you like to show me your room?

I know how to juggle three balls.

You do?

-What? -Just like a clown.

-Really? -Can I try on your shoes?

Sure. I'm sure they'll really suit you.

Our room's in here. Dad told us to tidy up before you came.

They look great on you.

See you, Mia.

See you.

-Bye. -Go and meet Mom. I'm coming.

That went really well.

Back in two.

Can I ask you something?

Have you decided not to have more kids, or…

No…

-Okay. -I don't think I have.

Why?

It's just that I'd like to have a baby at some point.

With you.

I'm glad to hear that.

Let's make a baby?

9 MONTHS LATER

-Want me to braid your hair? -My tights are itchy!

Stop thinking about it.

Felix! Did you pack your bag? We're leaving.

-What day is it? -It's Wednesday.

-Wednesday? -Yeah.

Fuck! What about his gym clothes? I don't think they're clean. Shit!

Felix, give me my phone.

Thanks. Go pack your school bag.

Why does she call it "gym clothes"? It's called "PE kit"?

Because we're old. In the old days, it was "gym clothes."

Dad!

-Honey, did you find them? -Yes.

-Then bring them please. -Right.

Fuck!

-Come on, Dad! -Coming.

I'm grabbing the gym…

So…

I think we should get help.

Yeah. Let's do that.

Are you okay?

I'm worried that I'm the problem.

Emil already has two kids, so we know that it isn't him.

That's why we were so pleased you could see us.

Public health services take forever…

You know what?

Everything looks just fine.

-Really? -Yes.

You can get up and get dressed.

Thank you.

Right.

Wow!

This place is big.

-I'm sorry we were a chair short. -No worries.

We're actually already done.

-Right. -Yes.

-Oh? -Everything looks just fine.

-Yes. Just fine. -Great!

Mia, I've uploaded a couple of prescriptions on the server for you.

Some tablets to help your eggs mature.

You'll need an ultrasound scan, and then we'll figure out

when to start you on Ovitrelle to trigger ovulation.

Right.

36 hours later, we'll inseminate you with Emil's sperm.

-Right. -And then…

You'll need suppositories to strengthen your vaginal mucus membrane.

Okay? That's it.

-Great! -Great! Yeah…

-It'll be fine. Don't worry. -Yeah.

-We can't wait. -Yes…

Yeah.

She's a giant sun shining on the entire family.

She's a fucking Messiah spreading light and joy on everyone around her.

She's the Savior. The bonus mom sent from above.

She cares for two kids.

Two kids, I didn't give birth to…

I love them. But I didn't give birth…

BONUS MOM - A COMEDY

TWO KIDS… I LOVE THEM, BUT DIDN'T GIVE BIRTH TO…

Honey?

Emil, honey. You fell asleep.

Come on.

I don't understand why it takes you so long to tuck them in every night.

No.

They said 36 hours before.

-Honey, 35 or 36… I'm sure it's fine? -How should I know?

No.

So this one should be turned to… Hang on…

This way.

-Yes. -To…

250.

Whoops. That's not good.

There's an air bubble. That's dangerous, right?

The nurse explained that, remember?

-Is it supposed to be there? -I don't know.

A small one's not dangerous.

Okay, it's a small one.

-Yes. Just do it. -Right. Okay.

Okay.

-One, two, three, four, five. -One, two three, four, five.

That's it!

Didn't it hurt?

Nope. It wasn't that bad.

I've got an idea.

Is this big enough for your sperm fireworks?

You can step down now.

-Right. But… -You can sit up now.

Won't it run out?

-You can sit up. Don't worry. -Okay.

Thanks.

There you go.

Hey.

I had to go to the second floor this time.

We've already performed the insemination.

Okay?

Yes.

Well, great. So the sperm's in there.

-How did it go? -It's hard to say yet.

Let's hope that's all it takes. The sperm sample wasn't too bad.

-What does that mean? -It contained nine million sperm cells.

-Okay! -Great.

The average is 15 million.

Right. I have two kids already.

But men's sperm quality may deteriorate with age.

-Not many are aware of that. -So it's just…

Mia, you'll get a new prescription.

Honey!

-He said nine million was fine, okay? -That's not quite what he said.

Emil, wait a minute.

I just need to put the chair back where I found it.

Shut the door!

Honey…

-This place is a freaking maze! -Hey, hey.

There may only be nine million, but I love all of them.

Okay? And they were just ejected into me at exactly the right time.

It'll be fine.

It's nice here.

Are you okay in there?

Yes…

I hope it's consensual?

Yes! Hell yeah!

-Thanks for asking. -Good to know.

-Knock yourselves out! -Thanks!

-Was that Anne Marie Helger? -Yes, I think so.

-Go faster! -Wait for me!

Careful, don't fall. Especially you, Felix.

-Especially you, Felix. -Viggo!

Hey, honey?

I feel nauseous.

-How annoying. -No! I feel nauseous!

-Really? -And my boobs are sore.

These?

-Let's go home and pamper you. -No!

Yes! I hate these forced get-togethers.

-I want to meet the other parents. -Why? That's so weird!

Come! We're about to start, so come on in.

-We're coming! -Coming.

That's Oscar's mom.

She'll recruit you for all kinds of committees, you don't want to be on.

Come on.

Who are you?

I'm Selma and Felix' bonus mom.

-I'm Oscar. -Really?

Hi! Let me start by saying that it's important

we don't just sit with the same people every time.

And I'd like to mention that I still need volunteers

for the Halloween party committee this fall.

Now, let's dig into the lovely buffet!

Hi.

Hi!

-Do you want chocolate marshmallows? -I want some!

-Stop. -No.

I told you how important it is

for us to remember to talk to everyone in the parent cohort.

That way the children also remember that they don't…

Everybody should be included.

-Perhaps we could organize it a bit? -Yes.

Make a little spreadsheet?

-Would you like a glass? -No, thanks.

I see.

-Are you expecting? -It's very early days…

-Exciting! Congratulations! -Thanks.

-Oscar's mom? -Yes?

-I'd like to help the party committee. -That's great! Thank you!

I really have to go now!

I'm ready.

Here you are.

Okay…

There you go.

Did you sleep well?

-I think the underfloor heating's off. -Honey. Let's just…

Right, sorry.

Oh, well.

It's okay.

Is it really okay?

Yeah, sure. I mean…

-Yeah. -Come.

Now we're adding lavender.

And inhale.

I read that Danish men's sperm count has halved over the past 40 years.

Breathe in…

What are Danish men doing wrong?

They drink beer with their laptops resting directly on their balls.

No. They say that the sperm quality already deteriorates in the womb.

So the mothers are to blame. Naturally!

Sorry.

Pine.

Good for your lungs. And your digestion.

Here comes the heat. There you go.

Seriously, it's an epidemic.

A real threat to mankind.

Yes, or a solution to climate change. That depends on your…

We forgot again.

Please remember you need to be silent.

-Yeah… -Here comes the heat.

It's just so fucked up.

I'm the one having all the hormones and injections.

But the problem is Emil's sperm.

-Are you serious right now? -Sorry!

It's just that counting back, we had sex 12 hours ago, right?

The clinic said it would be best

if there's constantly sperm in the uterus during ovulation.

We fuck constantly.

My dick hurts. We fucked twice yesterday and once last night.

We fuck a lot.

And we have to fuck today to hedge our bets.

Hedge our bets? That makes me horny.

-I love it when you talk dirty. -It's not funny, Emil. It really isn't!

I always take the initiative.

The day's almost over. What if I'm ovulating?

It's not almost over. It's not even 2 p.m.!

-We can fuck when we get home. -They said "during the day"!

-Not in the afternoon! -Stop. It's too much.

You're being hysterical.

Mia. Honey?

Honey, stop! What are you doing?

Why are you leaving?

If I'm hysterical, why are we together in the first place?

Honey!

It was a stupid remark. I'm sorry.

I'm not hysterical.

I'm just worried

that all this hassle, injections and bullshit will be wasted,

and we'll miss an ovulation, just because we are tired of having sex.

Your sperm count had dropped to only four million this time.

Yes, I remember my sperm count, Mia.

I hate how this is ruining our sex life.

I love our sex life.

Now I'm afraid that I don't turn you on anymore.

Come on.

I'm worn thin.

Can I do anything?

Yeah. Okay, come on.

Kiss my neck.

Do you want to watch porn?

-Porn? No. -No, okay. I just thought it might help.

Okay, or…

We could try it.

-Yeah? -Or… Do you want to?

-Sure. -Really?

Okay.

-"Horny stepmother." -Bam!

Okay!

If I could just get this stocking off.

-Could we fast-forward it? -Yes.

Get to where the action is.

Yes!

-All right! -Whoa!

-I'll find something else. -Please.

-Okay. -Oh yes.

Do you watch porn?

One stumbles across it from time to time.

You stumble across PornTube?

Say that again.

What? PornTube?

Your mouth looks very sexy when you say PornTube.

Really?

Wait a minute.

Okay.

Fuck.

Fuck, you're hot.

-I'm about to come. I'm coming! -Yes!

You are wonderful! God, that hurts!

Up. Give me a hand.

Here you go.

We need to make a new plan.

We have to drink less wine and eat more fish.

And you have to stop wearing those tight boxers.

I'm getting acupuncture, and so should you.

Sure. But could we…

Honey. Let's go and sit down for a bit and just…

Let me just change the bag.

Okay.

-Let me help. -No! And smoking at parties is a no-go.

-I've stopped. -No, you haven't.

-When… -You smoked last weekend, right?

True. Honey, do it slowly.

The sperm count can improve in just three months.

-You can actually do something about it. -Honey…

-Why are the bags so weird? -I know. Sorry.

I thought they were the big ones. They fit, but you have to do it slowly.

I have to relax and not worry so much!

My body obviously can't… Stress lodges in my body…

Honey, you're tearing the bags.

Would you let me do it? Could I do it?

Go and change your shorts!

Yes. I'm on it.

That one is so broody. She's sitting on nothing.

But because she thinks she's sitting on eggs,

she doesn't lay any.

It'll go on like that forever if you don't help them snap out of it.

Sometimes, you can put a bucket over their heads to cure them.

A bucket? That sounds mean.

No. 24 hours, and they're completely de-brooded.

Broody is a ridiculous word.

Simon is super broody. He told Vester we're trying to make a baby sister.

-Really? -Yeah. I don't know if I even want to.

Will you be taking responsibility for your own kids soon?

Sure. Let's find some sticks and make campfire bread?

-Yes. -Yes!

Yay! Raw dough and clothes reeking of bonfire.

Hey, Gro. Do they serve wine at your workplace?

No, Rikke! This is a family playground.

Exactly! That's why you need to have a stash.

You've been invited to the Gothenburg Book Fair.

-For a reading and an interview on-stage. -Great!

Perfect!

I really need some money. Fertility treatment is really expensive.

Thanks for the draft.

Did you like it?

-You didn't like it. -The question is, do you like it?

Such an annoying question, Rikke.

-I'm struggling with it. -You're in the crap phase.

Nothing new there. You really stink!

Losing control stinks, but you've to push through.

-You said I stink. -Damn right!

You're right.

I can't get a handle on it, and I'm so uninspired and…

Bonus mom comedy…

Remind me why we thought it was a good idea.

It's not a bad idea!

-It doesn't feel like a comedy. -Why does it have to be funny if it isn't?

I feel like the authenticity isn't there.

You're so annoying, when you're right!

Now, if my cold and wise editor would just buzz off,

so I can hang out with my nice friend, Rikke?

-Fine. Let's talk about my birthday! -Sure.

Tell me, what you're going to wear. No, shut up!

I'll be wearing a dream of a dress. It's to die for.

We made it!

BONUS MOM - A DRAMA!

She's grateful that she liked the children from the start.

Really liked them. And they liked her.

Yes! That's it!

Dad, I want the egg tray.

It felt natural to be with them.

Warm and nice.

-…green paint? -What?

-The green paint. -We used it all.

The dark green? You don't want pink?

That one.

Selma, for Christ's sake!

-I needed some peace and quiet, okay? -But I just wanted to show you my mask.

Yeah, but not right now, Selma.

-What's up? -She didn't want to see it.

-What's going on? -I'm just trying to work in peace.

-There are interruptions and noise. -Okay.

I can't focus. It's stressing me out.

I'll try to keep them quiet, but they're entitled to their space.

If you don't have a child, are you then still a child yourself?

How about we postpone the test until after Rikke's party on Saturday?

-Can you wait that long? -Sure. We're happier when we're hoping.

We'll have more fun at the party. We need a fun party.

We'll be happy, if you do the test and you're pregnant.

Weren't you trying for a baby?

-Yes. We are. -Okay. Right.

-We took a test this morning. Negative. -Shit! I'm so sorry.

That sucks.

-And how are you guys doing? -We just fuck like rabbits.

We're looking at a four-man tent. It's a tent for the Tesla.

Once you start looking at accessories for the Tesla…

Sorry.

Whoa! What do I need to do to get some privacy?

I just wanted to check in.

I can't even pee on my own.

I can't have a normal day at home

and just snuggle up and watch TV without having kids all over the place,

because all of us have to share the same fucking sofa!

Could we get a bigger sofa?

Nope. Because it clashes with Emil's very sophisticated aesthetics.

-We don't have room for a big sofa. -Room?

We really don't.

What about me?

-What about you? -Is there room for me in your fancy home?

Let's call it a night, honey, okay?

"Let's call it a night, honey, okay?"

Wow.

Let's call it "boring policeman Emil."

Cheese Emil. Ew.

I don't want to go home.

-Okay. -I'm fine.

-Maybe splash some water on your face? -No fucking way!

Okay!

Are you leaving?

-You're so immature! -I'm getting us a taxi.

Hey!

It's fucking unfair that your sperm worked with Katrine, but not with me!

Let's not talk about this, when you're drunk! We're going home.

-No! -Stop, please.

-You don't even want to talk to me! -I do. Come on.

What's going on? Get a grip!

Don't tell me to get a grip!

Then don't.

-Let's get you home. Come on. -No!

-Okay… -I don't want to go home!

-Why don't you want to go home? -Fuck you!

Honey!

You're such a fucking pain!

Fuck!

Fuck.

Good morning.

Shit, I was wasted last night.

-I'll just… -Would you please sit?

I feel very sheepish.

And piggish.

Did you eat? I can make some toast.

-Or… -Can we just talk about…

Yes, of course.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm just an extra in your feelings

-I'm here too. -Of course…

Even if I don't always show my feelings.

-I know, honey. I'm sorry that… -Please let me say it.

Your anger is driving us a bit apart.

It feels like you nurture the bad feelings all alone

instead of us talking about it before it gets out of hand.

-It might be the kids… -Just answer it.

Hi, Katrine.

Oh, is it?

Happy Mother's Day.

Right. That's right.

-You're on speaker. Mehmet's here too. -Hi.

-Hi. -Hi.

Last night, something fucking disastrous happened with some random guy.

-What? -Emil and I had a huge fight.

I was hammered, and almost made out with some guy.

Okay. So, Mia… You say "almost." Penetration or not?

What's your name anyway?

The point is that I stopped it, right? I didn't do it.

The old Mia would have done it.

-But I didn't! We only kissed. -That's awesome, Mia.

-I have to tell Emil, right? -Yeah, he'll be thrilled to hear it…

No, no. Be quiet, Andreas.

Mia… Deep breaths. Don't do anything drastic.

It was a drunken mistake with that random guy, right?

Yes! I love Emil. I want to have a baby with him.

That's why he deserves my honesty.

No, honey! Don't tell the truth. Ever!

-Listen to us. We know. -Shit happens, all right?

And you just have to live with it. With the guilt, shame and grief and…

I just think I should tell him.

You just want to clear your own guilty conscience.

Okay, listen for a sec.

You might want to think about why you threw yourself at that guy.

Exactly!

What are you running away from?

-How did you guys get so wise? -From our mistakes.

And I accidentally screwed Christian from the Digital Agency.

But we talked it through in therapy, because remember…

I feel a quote from hell coming on.

So says Esther Perel. Which means…

-It's going to be fine. -Everything will be fine.

By the way, did we tell you, we've found a different agency?

Still in Colombia, but with a much wider selection of surrogates.

-Great. -I know, right?

Super, right.

We had to remortgage massively to do it.

Tell me more about it later. I'll keep my fingers crossed. Gotta go.

-I think she was really happy for us. -Yeah.

I'm sorry.

What did you say?

-I'm sorry! -No…

I can't hear you.

You have to say it again.

What did you say?

Sorry, I was so stupid.

-I was stupid too. -But I was worse.

Yes, you were.

Yes, you were.

Please don't get mad.

But…

Yesterday, when I ran away from you…

Yeah. Could we just agree that you won't do that again?

I won't do it again.

I love you.

I love you.

Like crazy.

I love you more.

Should the boring policeman sort out breakfast?

We could sit on our lovely sofa and have some breakfast.

Or we could call it a night.

-You were such a pain! -Don't say it!

-I've never seen anything like it! -Don't say it!

-Well, Mia… -Could we wait for Emil?

Of course.

Ready.

Unfortunately, all three insemination attempts failed,

so the next step is fertility treatment,

where we fertilize the egg and then place it in the uterus.

So you'll have to endure another hormone treatment,

which entails an injection to prevent ovulation.

You may experience some discomfort. Most women say that they do.

You can read this pamphlet.

You're doing it again.

-I'm sorry? -You only address me.

Emil is here too, you know.

This happens every time.

I know my body is the arena for this entire arrangement,

but perhaps we could at least share the mental load.

-It doesn't matter. -Yes, it does.

It's not right to treat the man like some second-rate parent.

Gender equality starts right here as well, in the system!

Right? You only look at me, you only talk to me

with Emil trailing behind with his sperm in a cup.

Look at him! Talk to him! Give him some agency.

Give him a voice and a fucking chair to sit on!

How hard can it be?

Give the man a chair! Why is there never a chair?

A chair would be nice.

Then I'll tell you, Emil,

that the new treatment probably won't ease the mood swings.

THE GOTHENBURG BOOK FAIR

Fuck!

Why is Rebecca desperately insisting on being an object?

Because it's all she's ever known.

The whole world looks at the young female form with such desire.

She's valued for her beauty, youth and fertility.

The humiliation when that gaze evaporates can be extremely painful,

because what are you then?

Men pass much more unnoticed through life.

It's like being seen as opposed to watching.

Those are two very different starting points in terms of people.

Many of us would like to know what's next.

-Any new adventures for Rebecca? -No, sadly not.

I'm writing a novel about being a bonus mom.

Although to be honest, I'm a bit stuck right now, so…

Interesting. I just spoke to Knausgård about how he handles "writer's block."

I don't actually have writer's block.

I am constantly writing, but I only know how to write

very private observations, kind of like a diary about…

About…

About…

Well, all kinds of…

Self-loathing and shame.

Yes, because we are…

Or I am…

A lot of us are… It's almost an epidemic, you know?

A lot of us find that our bodies can't…

I'm… writing a lot about my IVF treatment.

There, I said it out loud.

I try to process my self-loathing when I write,

along with the dark thoughts about…

About being less of a woman because I can't conceive.

That's extremely interesting… and important.

Like I said, it's just a diary, and also some very private stuff.

Somewhere to park it all.

And a little too dark, I think, compared to what I normally write about.

I would have liked to read about it, when I experienced it five years ago.

Now I've said it out loud too.

Has anyone else here had similar issues?

Yes.

There you go.

A lot of us would like to read something that we can relate to and identify with.

I doubt Knausgård would go there, you know?

No, because we want you to write that book, Mia.

I'll present the childless woman to you.

Here she is in all her panicky glory and longing.

Here I am.

I'll assume all of the guilt I can carry.

I'll parade naked through town ridiculed by everyone.

I'll carry the burden of all barren women relieving them of theirs.

Come and sit with me, all of you barren women and bonus moms.

Go to pieces with me, if you wish.

Nobody knows how long Emil and I will live in this fertility hell,

or how much of my sanity I'll lose, before it happens, or doesn't happen.

HUNGER

-Hi, honey! -Hey, are you okay?

Yeah! Sorry, I haven't called you.

I've been busy writing.

I think it'll be good.

Yeah? Tell me.

The fertility treatment is just so all-consuming.

-Right. -I mean…

I just kind of want to write about…

About how consuming it is…

And write about the insanity

of sort of ruining your body in order to create life.

-Okay. -Yes.

I want the writing to be raw and unfiltered.

Fascinating.

It's not about us, right?

No, no.

Good. I don't want to see my sperm count exposed in the local bookstore.

Gro and Simon invited us for dinner on Saturday.

How nice.

Yeah. Simon's probably bought some new gadget, he wants to show us.

I wonder what it might be.

Gastronoma Airfryer. Eight liters.

-My goodness! Wow! -Yup.

Are we ready for dinner?

-Yes! -Kids, dinner's ready!

So this is our last round at the private clinic,

and if that fails, we're on a waiting list for the public healthcare clinics.

But the queue is long…

We're hoping for Hvidovre Hospital,

-We don't know if we even can… -No.

Emil's sperm count keeps dropping.

-Last time it was only one million, so… -Okay.

-Yeah! -Is that not a lot then?

-That's really low. -No.

-It's really low. -Honey, it's not your fault.

-It's just the way it is. -Yeah.

Luckily, you only need one functioning tadpole.

-Yeah… -Which…

-Gro and I, we've… -No! Or…

Anyone for dessert?

-Yes. -We've made some…

-Ice cream. -Homemade ice cream.

With Simon's new gadget.

-It's great. -Super great.

It's been going for hours, while we just relaxed.

-It's still homemade… -Coffee?

-Yes, please. -And brandy as well?

-I'll pass. -Just a small one with the coffee.

I've got a really expensive one. It's fantastic and super expensive.

Price and quality often go together. Expensive and good.

-This one is both. -Honey.

Let's try it.

-What's up, kids? Having fun? -Yeah.

How much have you seen?

-About half of it. -Okay.

-You and I are allowed a glass, right? -And Gro too?

Well… I'm just going to say it now, honey.

No, honey.

Yes.

Why am I speaking English?

Yeah, I don't know.

-We need to celebrate. -Yes!

You know what? Let's go to Cuba.

Gro, why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?

It's amazing news. Please don't hide your joy because of me.

-I really hope you don't. -No. It's not you.

I'm not sure if I'm happy. The pregnancy with Vester was rough.

It feels like my body is beginning to remember that.

Gro, stop it!

You should be overjoyed.

It's so great!

I wish it was me.

Are you absolutely sure? Maybe you should wait a bit or…

-Hi. -Hi, Mia.

What's up?

Perhaps you should give it some time.

Or…

Yeah.

Simon thinks so too.

That I should give it time, and…

But…

But, I…

I wake up in a fucking panic every morning!

My heart is pounding like crazy.

And I seriously feel like my body is a prison,

I can't escape.

I don't know how to ex…

how to explain it, but…

I can't go through a pregnancy and all the stuff…

with an infant. I just can't!

But, Gro, you've got us, okay? You…

You're not alone. We'll help with the baby.

-And Simon. There's two of you. -Listen to me! No. Listen!

Nobody listens to me! I can't do this!

-I can't. -You can't.

-We hear you. -You can't.

Honey…

It's okay.

I'm sorry!

It's okay, honey. Just breathe.

It's okay, honey.

I can't.

No.

Welcome to public healthcare. Your charts show what you…

what you've been through privately.

My suggestion is to put you on the so-called long-term treatment.

It entails a kind of artificial menopause.

-Artificial what? -Menopause?

Yes. Your own cycle is interfering with our stimulation,

so I think it's the best option.

It does involve a number of side effects.

Palpitations, headache, hot flushes, itching,

dry mucus membranes and mood swings.

The bus stop at the hospital. Emil and I wait for the bus in silence.

We're processing the news.

Not far from us, an elderly woman is picking up a dog turd.

I can feel the tears welling up.

Then Emil says, "We'll just have to push through it."

I wanted to say "Fuck you." I didn't do it. Fuck you!

-Mia! I think it's happening. -Yes. I'm coming!

I know, I'm hurting Emil, but right now that's what I want.

-How about a massage… -No, just don't.

Damn it!

-Do I have bad breath? -Yes, really bad. But it's fine.

-Cheese? -And onions.

-Damn! I just need to go… -Right.

Now what?

Goddamn it!

Ouch. It hurts.

-There… -There's more coming.

-Do you need to sit down? -Yeah.

Come here.

What do I do with it?

I want to shove the expelled fetus inside myself.

To see if it can live there.

I'm sorry, Mia.

I'm forcing you to do this, which must seem grotesque to you.

No, you're not forcing me to do anything.

You're my best friend.

Hi.

Are you okay?

No, not quite.

Thanks, Mia.

You're welcome.

I could do with a beer too.

Shit!

I hope they'll pull through.

Do you write about us?

What?

I accidentally read it on your laptop.

You've written things, I said.

Quoting me.

Honey, I was going to tell you.

Okay. You were?

Yes, it…

I just need to write about everything that's happening. It's building up.

-You said it wasn't about us. -I know.

I asked if you were writing about us? You said no.

I want to be a part of your life, but not your book.

I get that.

-But… -But?

-I don't know what to say. -Do you mean what you write?

-It really hurt me. -But you're not supposed to read it.

It's part of the process, and I'm trying not to censor myself.

-That's the whole point. -I don't understand…

-I'll repeat it! You nurture the negative. -No, I don't!

-You nurture it! -I'm trying to write about how I feel.

I write, so that it doesn't grow to a massive, nasty boil inside.

I would like to read it. All of it.

And so you should.

-Yeah. -I'm not ready for it yet.

It's all jumbled together, so if you read it now,

I'll feel I have no talent.

-It's all about your feelings. -Sorry!

Will this be in the book too?

"Emil is mad because I wrote about him."

-Stop it, Emil! -"Fuck him. He's not an artist."

-No. -Can't you see I won't allow it?

-Allow it? -I don't feel safe in my own home.

-Everything's in the public domain. -Fuck! I'm boiling!

-Why won't this window open? -Because it's childproof, honey.

Could you talk to me instead?

Listen, I've just helped my friend with her termination, okay?

I have a pounding migraine.

I've got fucking hot flashes because of fucking menopause, okay?

Now I have to consider your vanity about my book.

-I don't know if it'll be a book. -Vanity?

I knew you'd react this way! That I couldn't talk to you about it.

Of course, I react like this!

-How long do you think it will take? -Why?

-Are you going somewhere? -Yeah. There are drinks at work.

Lucky you, huh?

-Can we please not do that? -What?

This blame game. Can't I just let it go for one night?

I wish I could just "let it go."

Why am I pushing him away?

-Anyway, you should go. -No.

-Let it go and party a bit… -Stop it.

Make out with your assistant.

You're being ridiculous.

Mia and Emil?

-Yes. -We're ready.

-Great. -I'm going in alone today.

This way, please.

I'm pregnant with evil. It's growing inside me.

Howling in my uterus like a sick dog.

This is a new batch. The size is definitely smaller.

They're impossible to put on.

Hope is a prick tease.

Here's some morphine.

To relax.

There you go.

Let's put on some music.

Here it comes.

Your ovaries are a little high up, so I have to go through the bladder.

You might feel a small pinch.

There you go.

Yes.

It's dripping.

The panpipes are driving me nuts! Didn't we get a new playlist?

It played for 12 hours straight during the night shift.

The morphine will wear off so,

so you don't get to keep the buzz, even if it's Friday.

-What? -You don't get to keep the buzz.

We've got good news. We harvested six eggs.

We'll call in two days between 8:30 a.m. and 9:30 a.m.,

if the eggs aren't fertilized.

-In two days. -Only if the eggs aren't fertilized.

-So no call is good news? -Yes. Then the eggs are fertilized.

But don't wait by the phone.

Now you're ready.

-Do you have a wet wipe for my hands? -I do. Hang on.

-You look so nice! -No, we don't. We look scary.

Yeah, you're right.

-Let's go, skeletons and zombies. -Dad!

Have fun, guys.

See you, Mia.

-Sorry, I can't be here when they call. -Or don't call, hopefully.

That's what I meant.

Fine.

NO CALLER ID

Hello?

Hi, Mia. Listen, this is Signe calling from the hospital.

You probably know why I'm calling.

I'm sorry to say that none of the six harvested eggs were…

Hi, Mia. What's up?

What a shame about the cake. Emil said you worked so hard.

Would you be in charge of the limbo?

There's a broomstick over there.

Why did you go in that state?

The kids were terrified seeing you scream like that.

You should be screaming with me.

I don't feel we're in this together.

-The kids want me to be there for bedtime. -Emil, please don't go. Please stay.

Listen to me. The kids are upset. And frightened.

It's not about you.

You don't love me.

I have to prioritize the kids right now. You would too if you had kids of your own.

God dammit!

Come.

-Hi. -Good boy.

-He's such a good boy. -No more treats.

-He's getting chubby. -We're not body-shaming the dog!

-Okay? -You're right.

-No. -Hi.

There she is. The princess has risen from the dead.

Are you hungry, Mia?

No, thank you.

Emil's called us non-stop for four days.

We think you should talk.

Yeah, but I don't have the energy.

-Mia, for God's sake. -My tenant just agreed to move out.

She was going to move in with her partner, so that's perfect.

Yes. That's perfect.

-I'll go shower. -Right.

We would appreciate that.

-What? -Talk to her.

And say what?

-It's weird being back. -Yeah.

I think, I'll paint the walls in some nice colors, and…

Well, the plants are dead, so I'll have to buy new ones.

Perhaps palms or something interesting.

How are you doing?

Fine.

We need chips.

They miss you. Emil and the kids.

He's devastated, you know. You just left.

Well, he checked out, okay?

But you moved out.

I just beat him to it.

-How do you know he was leaving? -Believe me. It was obvious.

He couldn't take the heat.

That's seriously not the impression Simon and I have.

Felix and Selma don't understand why they haven't heard from you.

They don't understand, Mia.

No, but…

They've got a good mom, so…

Listen up.

Would you help me restore my Tinder account?

-Seriously? -Yes!

REBECCA IS WEARING A FABULOUS…

Rebecca is wearing a fabulous dress with flowers and gold thread.

Everyone's complimenting her. She's drinking a lot, and fast.

She feels like dancing, trashing stuff, listening to music and singing loudly.

Fuck!

What do you want?

What do I want?

-Can I come up? -That's not a good idea.

It's insane that we're not talking. I don't understand what's going on! I…

I know it's been rough. I get that.

But you don't just walk away! You stay and fight.

You didn't want to.

-What are you on about? -I spared you the trouble, right?

What do you mean?

-We don't need to make it worse. -Can't we talk about this?

-Tell me how you feel. I'm right here! -There's nothing more to talk about.

I'm not some dude you dated for a bit.

-I'm going back up. -No, stay here.

-I'm cold! -You're staying here!

We love each other, Mia.

We wanted to have a child.

What's going on? What's happening to you?

This isn't you. Where are you? You're in there somewhere.

Please stop.

Honey, please stop it. Please don't do this.

"She could place herself right in a room, staging herself at a distance."

"She knew how to be a dream, a fantasy,

but she didn't know how to be someone's girlfriend."

"Why did she end up turning herself inside out?"

"No one could bear it."

"Once again, she had fallen for an immature man with commitment issues."

"He didn't have to say anything. She could hear him think."

"'Let me get away from that crazy emotional desperado.'"

"So, back in the saddle, Rebecca. Swipe, swipe, swipe."

She's doing social studies at uni, and…

-She said yes. -How wonderful!

-Congratulations! -Thanks.

-It'll be a smart and beautiful kid. -Yeah. With a receding hairline.

-Here's hoping. -Yeah.

So we're starting all over again, and…

We'll just have to pray she doesn't bail as well.

I'm not sure Mehmet would survive that.

-I'll keep everything crossed. -Thanks.

-Thank you. -Thanks for coming.

-Cheers, honey. -Cheers.

It feels great to be able to drink again.

And not feel like a 60-year-old menopausal wreck, you know?

It was just absurd in the end.

Like a never-ending nightmare. It consumed all my waking thoughts.

-I was like an addict. -Okay.

-How long did you keep trying? -We tried on our own for nine months.

We started treatments in February.

So probably for a year and a half?

We've been trying for nearly five years now.

-Shit, yes! -Yeah.

We've had to travel across the world,

and it's cost us almost a million kroner now.

Two Danish men who love each other and want children receive no help.

So you think I gave up too quickly then?

Is that how you interpreted it?

-It was just too tough, Andreas. -Well.

-Come on… -What did I do now?

Yes, it was tough! You were trying for a baby.

And it went to shit.

But you don't just bail when things get rough,

leaving Emil on his own. That's fucking stupid.

-Then you marry him. -No, I won't!

I've moved on like I needed to.

-And it feels good. -All right.

-Okay? -Fine. Okay.

And I'm going on a date tomorrow.

-Bullshit! You're not going on a date! -Look.

-Isn't he cute? -No, he's ugly.

-Take a closer look. -Can I tell you what I think?

What I'm fed up with?

It's tough to see you destroy it every time you have something good.

You're so wrapped up in your self-loathing

that you think that you're not allowed to be happy

and be with a man, who's clearly right for you.

We need help, you and I, Mia.

We need help from others.

I don't know what I would have done without Mehmet.

Emil is your Mehmet.

Okay.

-Bye, Mehmet. Thanks for coming. -Sure.

Bye. See you. Talk to you later.

How about you? Have you had many long relationships?

I actually just had one that ended quite abruptly.

Abruptly? Okay, right. He must have been a giant asshole.

Yeah. Well…

He must be a giant moron if he left.

Perhaps he wasn't the one.

He must be a fool to leave a wonderful woman like you.

It's important to be able to communicate respectfully.

We're all looking for a partner

who confronts us with the things we try to avoid.

It's quite funny really and a bit of a paradox.

It's about understanding the baggage each of you bring to the relationship.

Falling in love is free, but sooner or later our past…

They definitely haven't considered

that our future children, or, I mean our children, you know…

The children we'll have…

-Yeah… -They're just, you know…

I actually have to go. I'm really sorry…

-Oh? -It's not you.

-You're really sweet, but… -I could…

-Hi. -Hi.

-What's up? -Are you okay?

-Emil's not home. -No, his exhibit opens today.

-Fuck, that's right! -We're on our way there now.

-Want to join us? -Yes!

-We'll give you a ride. I'll get the car. -No, the bikes.

-No, we're taking the car. -Bikes, honey. It's 500 meters away.

-We're taking the car. -Bikes.

-It's not 500… -I checked.

-I don't want to get sweaty. -But we'll be drinking.

-We'll take the bikes… -The apps show it as the crow flies.

I don't want…

-Let's take the bikes. -No?

-Cheers. -Congratulations.

-Congratulations! -Thanks.

How are you doing? Good?

Hi!

How are you?

Kids, go see Mom while I chat to Mia.

-Yes? -Sorry to arrive unannounced…

-I have to tell you something. -I need to look after myself.

And my kids!

It's by invitation only, so please leave.

Please, just two minutes.

Then I'll leave.

Come on then.

Two minutes.

Okay.

I wanted to apologize for leaving you.

And the way I left without giving you a chance.

I just bailed like I always do.

I'm really, really sorry.

Right… Okay.

That old feeling of being unlovable just overwhelmed me.

I hate that you felt unlovable.

BROENS SKATING RINK

Easy now, honey. Give it here.

My little sugar elf.

Thank God Christmas is only once a year.

I used to think you were ugly.

-I see? -Yeah, you were quite ugly at first.

I don't know why.

-You aren't ugly anymore. -I'm glad to hear that.

-But you were a bit ugly at first. -Right.

Right.

-Did you think I was ugly too? -A little. A smidge. At first.

But you know…

Look, honey. I sculpted you out of marzipan.

No!

-Is it too much? -Just a tad.

Ah well.

Hi, Rikke!

Hi, sweetie. Happy New Year.

Hi. Happy New Year.

Really?

Congratulations!

How far along are you?

How wonderful! I'm really happy for you.

It's crazy. And how exciting for you.

Sure.

Okay. Bye, honey.

What's up?

Rikke's pregnant.

Okay.

That's…

That's just wonderful.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I just think…

I'm just taking a moment to grieve the fact that I am not pregnant…

Not having a baby. My own baby.

But that's okay.

It really is.

Honey, why don't we just…

just try again?

No.

It nearly destroyed us.

-I don't want to lose you again. -You won't.

We'll do it together.

It'll be a shitshow.

I'm going to be impossible.

But I still love you when you're impossible.

When shit hits the fan…

Then we'll scream.

Together.

HUNGER

I decided to release the book to the world,

while I'm in the middle of it.

Caught up in the turmoil.

And the hunger.

Can I touch your pretty belly?

I don't want to describe this looking back as pregnant.

As a happy mother cradling her baby.

I want to describe it from within.

Now.

While I'm experiencing it.

Well, you two. It went really well. We harvested ten eggs.

You know the drill.

If none of the eggs are fertilized, we'll call you between 8:30 and 9:30.

-Yes. -Great.

Happy Pentecost.

Thanks.

Hi, honey.

Did they call?

It's Andreas calling to ask, if we want to go to Hven for Pentecost.

Oh, right.

I just can't…

I can't handle sitting there pretending to be fine.

Fuck!

Honey…

It's 9:31 am.

-What? -It's 9:31.

Time's up. They didn't call.

What if they called when Andreas did?

Hi. My girlfriend, Mia Berg, had eggs harvested two days ago.

We just wanted to ask if you just called? Or called us at all?

I'll hold. Cool.

Yup! I'm still here.

We're glad to hear that. Thanks.

Yes. Have a nice day.

HUNGER

I never said that.

-What? -I never said that.

But it's funny.

COPENHAGEN - HVEN

Hey, Emil?

Yes?

Do you still love me when things are rough?

Yes. I do.

You never have any doubts?

Never ever.

Subtitle translation by: Helle Kaiser-Nielsen