Original subtitles

Oh, thanks, son.

Here. Buy yourself something expensive.

Who's the telegram from, Bub?

I don't know... I never read 'em till I open 'em.

Hmm... Flats Jensen.

Well, I'm sure I can get a reservation on that 10:00 plane.

Oh, you've already made it for me.

Okay, Ed. Good-bye.

Hey, Steve. Hmm?

I just got a telegram from old Flats Jensen.

He's sick again. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Bub.

Yeah, so I'll have to be leaving you for a few days.

Well, when do you plan on leaving?

Right now. He not only needs a nurse,

but he's got to have somebody to run that theater

for him over there in Plainview.

Yeah. I just told Ed Drake

I'd be on the 10:00 plane to Minneapolis.

Oh, gosh, can't you put it off?

I hate like the dickens to think of poor old Flats

lying there sick and nobody to take care of him.

I know, Bub. You've got to go.

I'll, uh, I'll call Ed back... maybe I can make some other arrangements.

Well, I wish you could. Well, why don't you both go?

Well, we can't very well both go, Mike.

Well, why not? I haven't got any more classes this week.

I'll take care of the house.

Well, it's a big responsibility.

What responsibility?

Sitting around the house all day

waiting for Chip and Rob to come home from school?

Is that all you think I do around here?

Of course not... I know there's a little more to it than that.

A little more?

I wish you had an idea of all that goes on around here.

Uh, he didn't mean it that way, Bub.

When I spoke of responsibility, Mike, I didn't mean housework.

Although that is important.

I meant, uh, well,

there are problems that could come up.

Oh, look, Dad, if I'm old enough to-to go to college

and-and shave and be eligible for the draft,

then I think I can handle any little crisis

that would come up around here.

Wait a minute, just because you got a B-plus in debating

don't think you can push your dad around, junior.

No, Mike's got a point, Bub.

As hard as it is for us to believe, he is an adult.

Don't be ridiculous.

Why, it was just the other day we cancelled his diaper service.

Uh, Bub, if, uh, if I had a friend from my vaudeville days

who was calling me from a sick bed, uh,

I wouldn't stand around shooting the breeze, I'd pack.

Mm-hmm. He's an adult, all right.

A sneaky adult.

Now, Mike, uh, I gave you the money, didn't I?

Oh, yeah, I'm all set.

Don't worry about us, Dad. Yeah, we'll be okay.

Uh, Dad, will you tell them once more before you leave?

I want to make sure they get the message.

Mike is the boss... do you fellas understand that?

Now, remember, you eat when he says,

you go to bed when he says,

and you do your homework when he says. Okay.

You hear that? Yeah, but tell him he can't smack us.

Aw... Smack 'em!

Rob, did I ever hit... Yes, you have.

Well, I never hit you, did I?

No, but the temptation might be too much.

We don't want him to smack you.

Good-bye, Rob. Bye, Dad.

Just use good common sense, and everybody'll get along fine.

And remember to wash your ears.

We'll be back as soon as we can. Good-bye, Mike.

So long. BUB: Bye, gang.

Bye. Boy, this is gonna be neat.

Yeah.

What do you think you're doing?

Now, get upstairs and get dressed for school.

Aw, Mike, all you have to do

is just write a note to Mrs. Bergen.

Yeah, and tell her he's got crayon poisoning.

Okay, come on, Chip, upstairs.

Aw, that's all we need around here

is a brother who thinks he's a dad.

Wouldn't you know he'd start goofing off

the minute Bub and Dad got out of sight?

Yeah, I can just see myself writing an excuse.

Yeah.

Hey, what are you reading your Spanish book for?

Well, I figured I'd catch up on my studies; I'm way behind.

Yeah, well, you'll be late for school...

You got to get going in ten minutes.

Well, I thought I'd catch up on all my back Spanish.

Oh, gee, then I got to start memorizing

those 24 lines from Shakespeare.

In ten minutes?

Oh, brother, and I got to put about 12 theorems in my notebook,

and after that... All right, Robbie, upstairs.

No, listen, Mike, I'm not trying to goof off like Chip.

I just figured I'd put in the whole day catching up.

I'm supposed to write an excuse, I suppose.

Heck, no... I'll write it; you just sign it.

Look, Rob, you and Chip

better get this through your heads:

just because Bub and Dad aren't here

doesn't mean you're gonna get away with anything.

Quit shoving, will you? What do you think you are,

some kind of a Tiberius Caesar or something?

You're probably the kind of guy that-that would become a dictator

if you were given just an inch of power or something.

Yeah, well, I'm not a-a peasant or a serf

or one of those slave girls or anything.

Okay.

Well, I-I'd love to.

Oh, no, I can't go tonight.

Well, that's another part of the deal.

Dad's paying me extra for baby-sitting.

I'm gonna come out of this thing

smelling like a rose... A rich rose.

Wait a minute, there's the doorbell.

Uh, come in.

Uh, somebody's here; can I call you back?

Okay.

Hello.

Hello, dear.

Are your folks home?

Uh, no, they're not, but, uh, I'm running the house.

Good for you!

Why I'm here is, I need votes.

Votes?

Yes, dear.

It's a kind of a neighborhood personality poll thing.

If I get enough votes, I get a free trip to Rome!

W-Well, if it'll do any good, I'll vote for you.

You will?

Well, sure. What do I have to do?

Well, that'll cost you three dollars

for a two-year subscription.

Any magazine on the list.

The monthly magazines are a dollar extra.

The bi-monthlies you get for...

Hello?

Oh... hello, Mrs. Bergen.

No, they're not.

But, uh, I'm Chip's guardian for the next few days.

You want me to come down to school now?

What did Chip do?

I'll tell you what he did.

Chip was an uncooperative citizen during recess.

He was?

We were choosing sides for a softball game,

and he refused to be chosen by Mary Lou here.

Yeah?

The school can only go so far

in these disciplinary problems, Mr. Douglas,

and then we feel it's time to call in the parents

or the guardians.

Yeah, well, sure.

Uh... Chip, why didn't you want to be on Mary Lou's team?

'Cause she cheats.

I do not.

You do, too. If her team's losing

she beats everybody up until she wins.

She beats up the boys, too?

Sure. She's a real terrible girl.

Chip Douglas!

Do you... do you want to lose some petals

from your courtesy daisy?

No, ma'am.

Then you'd better apologize to Mary Lou.

Well, come on, get it over with.

I got to get home and make a shopping list.

Well, I-I don't think "getting it over with"

is the point in question, Mr. Douglas.

Chip must realize that he must be courteous to a lady.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, Chip... you shouldn't go around telling people

that this little girl beats people up.

But she does.

Last week she knocked William Toomey's teeth

clear across the basketball court.

Oh, Chip Douglas! I'm sure that if that were true,

William Toomey would have come to me and told me.

No, he wouldn't... who wants everybody to know

that a girl can knock your teeth that far?

All right, Chip, now, apologize to Mary Lou.

I'm sorry.

Well, fine.

Now, you may both go out

and enjoy the rest of your gymnasium period.

Yeah?

I'm awfully glad you could come over,

Mr. Douglas.

I-I didn't like to call...

Somebody answer the phone!

Hello?

Robbie! What's the big idea?

Didn't I ask you to come straight home from school today?

No, you can't stay over at Hank's.

Look, Rob, I want you guys to stick close to home

while Dad and Bub are away.

I don't care how many driver's licenses Hank has;

you come home.

All right, all right, bring him with you,

but you be here in 20 minutes.

Okay.

All right, you guys, scram.

And stay out of those cookies.

Can I swallow this one

I already got halfway down my throat?

Yes.

Can Sudsy stay for dinner?

Oh, I don't know, Chip.

Rob's bringing Hank over, and I just bought a little hamburger.

You want me to go in the other room

so you can talk about me?

No, Sudsy, you can stay.

Okay. My mom says I can stay all night, too.

Let's go.

Hey, Chip.

Cut it out, will you?

Oh, I don't know. Hang on.

She says how come your dad didn't buy an automatic shift?

Well, I don't know, I guess he likes the other kind better.

He doesn't know, he guesses he likes the other kind better.

Yeah. Okay, you guys, table's clear.

How about somebody getting his carcass in the kitchen

and washing the dishes?

Okay, Marilyn, we'll be by in a little while.

Sure. Oh, don't worry about that.

Hank's a real good driver.

I said, how about somebody getting in the kitchen

and washing the dishes?

Yeah, we'll be over in a little while.

This time I'm not asking, I'm telling.

Oh, yeah, he needs a little work on his parallel parking.

Yeah.

Hey, come on, I was just talking to Marilyn Turnthurston!

I don't care if you're talking to Betsy Ross!

Now, I had a day around here that won't quit... I had to go

down and get Chip out of a jam at his school,

do the shopping, cook the stupid meal,

and if somebody doesn't get in there and do something,

they're gonna get belted!

Boy, he sounds just like my mother.

Hank, I'm sorry, but you better leave.

Chip and Sudsy, get in the dining room

and start your homework.

And Robbie, get in that kitchen!

Now, wait a minute.

Good night, Hank.

You know what you're going to grow up to be?

A boys' vice principal.

Okay, okay.

I'm going, I'm going.

But you just better enjoy this while you can, man,

because one of these days, I'm going to put on

about 30 pounds, and then...

and then you better watch out, Mabel.

Hello.

Oh. Hi, Dad.

Hi, Mike. I just thought I'd call up

and see how everything went the first day.

Uh, swell.

We, uh, just finished dinner,

Chip and Sudsy are studying, and Rob's doing the dishes.

Robbie's washing the dishes?

Now, how did you arrange that, Mike?

And I want the truth.

Well, it's... it's not what you're thinking.

I mean, all I did was talk to him.

I may have gotten a little loud, but, uh, all I used was words.

Yeah, that's all right.

Uh, Chip and Sudsy are doing their homework, huh?

Yeah. Sudsy's spending the night.

Oh, now, I don't think that's such a good idea, Mike.

Uh, I think maybe you better send Sudsy home.

Why?

What can happen?

Well, a lot of things can happen.

I mean, uh... well, maybe you're right.

Well, I'll get away from here as soon as I can.

Quit worrying, will you, Dad?

I've got everything under control.

I'm sure you have, Mike.

I'll see you.

Good-bye.

Okay. Good-bye.

Mike, what do I do if the sink's all stopped up

and there's water running all over the kitchen!?

Well, don't just stand there!

Grab a mop. Relax!

Relax. It... it didn't happen.

I just wondered what I'd do if it did happen.

Hardy har har.

What do you want, Sudsy?

I don't feel good.

You don't?

Uh-uh.

Well... where do you hurt?

In my stomach.

I think I got a strepto-cockeye or something.

Well, you don't feel hot.

What does your mother usually do

when you get like this?

She just puts a towel by my bed and goes back to sleep.

Hey, Sudsy, what are you doing here?

I'm sick.

I want to go home.

Okay, Sudsy.

Sure hate to wake your folks at this time of night.

We had a plain dinner.

I don't think that could have made you sick.

Maybe you put too much honey on your hamburgers.

Yeah.

You put honey on your hamburgers?

Sure.

But why?

'Cause we couldn't find the powdered sugar.

I don't think he's sick.

He's just scared 'cause he's sleeping over

at somebody else's house.

Go on back to bed.

Come on, Sudsy. We'll call your folks.

If a lady answers, it'll be my mother,

'cause my father's in Chicago.

Hello?

Oh, hello. Mrs. Pfeiffer?

This is Mike Douglas.

I'm sorry to waken you at this time of night,

but Sudsy says he's sick.

Sick?

What's the matter?

Oh, I don't think it's anything too serious.

He's got a stomachache, says he has a streptococcus

and wants to come home.

There's nothing to worry about, Mike.

He probably had a nightmare and he's just a little frightened.

Oh.

Well, uh, what'll I do?

Well, I'll tell you what we do when this happens.

We let him sleep with one of us.

You do? Yes.

If it worries you, I'll come over and get him.

Oh, no. Th-That's-That's okay, Mrs. Pfeiffer.

Thank you. Good night.

Let's go back to my room.

♪ ♪

Oh, slow down.

Your eggs are on the table.

We can't. We're late.

What do you mean?

I made eggs and cereal and toast.

Yeah, but if we're late once more,

Mrs. Bergen's gonna cut our throats.

Not only that. She'll take three petals off our promptness daisy.

See ya!

Bye.

I had a very nice time at your house.

Thank you.

I suppose you haven't got enough time to eat, either.

Oh, sure. I got plenty of time.

Hank's picking me up in his dad's car.

Hank's father sure is generous with that car.

Well, it's not that.

It's mainly that his dad is in Europe.

Hey, Mike, if Marilyn Turnthurston calls,

tell her I'll be over right after dinner.

But you won't.

Well, she's expecting me.

I told her that we could horse around with Shakespeare

for English Lit. Well, just make plans

to horse around with Shakespeare over here, will ya?

Aw, come on, Mike. Quit playing papa, will ya?

I'm not playing papa, Robbie.

I'm trying to do what I think is best.

Now, I told you guys, I want you to stay here

where I can keep an eye on you.

You know what's wrong with you, Mike?

You've got a big-head complex.

Now, what's wrong with going over King Lear with Marilyn?

There's nothing's wrong with it,

only you're not doing it on my time!

Yeah? And suppose I do?

Look, Rob... Don't you understand

that Dad left me here to look after you guys.

And I want Dad and Bub to come back

and find everything just the way they left it.

There's something to this responsibility bit

that I didn't know about before.

All you really want is to foul me up w-with Marilyn

and Hank and all my friends!

How do you think it sounds when I tell them I can't stay out

because I have to report home to my big brother?!

I don't care how it sounds. You're gonna do it.

I don't care. You can hate me all you want,

but only don't call it "responsibility."

Wait a minute, Rob.

Rob?

Hello?

Oh. Hi, Bub.

Hi. I just thought I'd check and see how things were going.

Uh, fine.

Are you getting the kids off to school all right?

Yeah.

Matter of fact, uh, Rob just went out the door this minute.

Just left this minute? Why, he'll be late.

Oh, no. He's, uh... He's got a ride this morning.

Hank's picking him up in his dad's car.

But she shouldn't let him drive with Hank, Mike.

Hank's got a license.

It's not that. He's too tall.

By the time that brain of his sends a message to his feet,

the car could be up a tree.

They'll be all right.

You can't run a house full of boys

on that premise, Mike.

You got to work with the idea

that everything they do will get them into trouble.

That way you're way ahead every time they get home safe.

Look, Rob can take care of himself.

Now, Marilyn, are you sure you haven't seen Robbie?

Well, all right.

If you do see him, you tell him to get home right away

because he's in big trouble.

Okay. Thanks, Marilyn.

I'm hungry.

Well, I'm sorry, but we can't eat

until we find out what's happened to Robbie.

What did Hank's mother say again, when you asked her?

Well, she said Hank didn't come home, either.

You think Robbie's okay?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Then how come you look worried?

I'm not worried.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

I'd better call Hank's mother myself.

Hello?

Uh, this is Troy Cooper,

boys' vice principal at Bryant High School.

Are Robert Douglas's parents there?

Well, I'm his parents, Mr. Cooper.

That is, I'm in charge of him.

Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this,

but there was an accident at the high school.

Accident?

Yes. Robert and Henry Ferguson were involved

in setting up the temporary bleachers on the athletic field.

The entire structure collapsed.

Collapsed?

Well, where is he?

He's here at Mercy Hospital.

Mercy Hospital.

Well, thanks, Mr. Cooper. Good-bye.

Well, look, uh, Robbie and Hank have had a little accident

and I'm going to have to go to the hospital,

and I think you better go over to Sudsy's house.

Is Robbie hurt?

I don't know. Now, get going.

I want to come, too.

Look, Chip, I-I think it would be better

if you went to Sudsy's.

No. He's my brother, too.

Chip, I want you to go to Sudsy's house!

No!

Look, I haven't got time to argue about it.

All right, come on.

No luck?

Uh-uh. Nobody will answer.

How's your friend?

Oh, Hank? Oh, he-he's doing okay.

The doctor said we could go home

right after he finishes putting in the stitches.

Oh, you boys were lucky.

We just admitted two boys a few minutes ago

who were in an accident, too.

Only they're in critical condition.

Oh, gee, that's too bad.

Yes, it is.

You should be very thankful.

Oh, I am.

Well, I better go back and see how Hank's doing.

Howdy. Hi.

Hey, how are those two boys in emergency?

They're in pretty bad shape, but they'll make it.

Oh, you'll have to go up to the second floor if you want coffee.

The percolator down here blew out.

Good, I need the exercise, anyway.

How's my brother!?

Well, who's your brother, son?

The one who was in the accident with the other kid.

Oh, uh, both boys are doing fine.

What do you mean "doing fine"?

What's wrong with my brother!?

Shh. Please just sit over there.

You don't understand! We had a fight this...

My father is...

Please tell me. What's wrong with my brother?

The doctor is with them now and as soon as I know anything,

I'll let you know... Emergency...

Please, young man.

Just sit here and I'll find out what I can.

You too, honey.

But we got to find out how Robbie is!

Robbie?

Robert Douglas. That's his name.

Wait a minute.

I want to check something in the office.

Stay there.

Pardon me.

Robbie! Robbie! Robbie!

Hi, Robbie! Robbie!

Now, what are you guys so excited about?

Oh, you don't know what we've been through.

You just don't know! Me, too.

Oh, you're a... We thought... We... Oh, Rob!

You're okay! Come on, you guys.

She's watching.

Mike, do you suppose if I was real careful,

maybe I could go over and see Hank?

Hey, what are you eating?

Well, an apple.

Well, look how green it is.

Go get another one. That'll give you a stomachache.

Oh, come on, Mike.

Quit being such a mother hen, will ya?

Somebody has to worry about you.

And don't run up those stairs two at a time.

You're liable to bust your ankle.

Yes, sir.

Where you going, Chip?

I'm going over to Sudsy's.

Well, have Sudsy come over here, huh?

Yeah, but Bub always lets me go over there.

Look, Chip, you'd have to cross two streets,

the Rasmussens have a new dog that I'm not too sure about,

and-and it looks like it could rain outside.

Hey, anybody home? Hi!

Hi, Bub! How are ya, Chipper?

Hi, Dad! Glad to see you. Hi.

Hey, Robbie! Bub and Dad are home!

Bumped into each other at the airport.

No kidding. Hi there, Tramp.

I'm glad you're back. Here, let me take

your bag for you, Dad. Come here!

We didn't expect a greeting like this.

We've only been gone for a few days.

It's good to see you again.

How'd it go, Mike?

Well, fine. Just as smooth as silk.

Can I go over to Sudsy's? Now?

Yeah. It's been like being in jail around here lately.

Yeah, Mike thinks we're gonna

break an arm just combing our hair.

Yeah, and he wouldn't even let Tramp chase cats!

All right, you guys. You're all in one piece, aren't you?

Yeah, well, you practically

had to lock us in the closet to do it.

Chip, you can go over to Sudsy's,

if you like.

Come on, Tramp! And Rob, you can go over to Hank's

if that's what's on your mind. It is!

Thanks a lot, Dad. I better go...

I better go and see if my kitchen's still there.

Well, of course it is, and it's in good shape, too.

It better be. It is!

Oh, boy. Is it always like this?

Like what, Mike?

Well, I mean, when you're a father,

do you always have to think of where your kids are

and what they're doing?

Well, I don't think quite as much as you seem to have, Mike,

but, uh, they're always on your mind.

It has something to do with, uh, parental love.

Love? You know something?

I was better off thinking they were a couple of pests.