Original subtitles

Hands off the Western World!

Now, is that clear to everyone?

Rango, who is Miss Pitts?

She's Europe.

Right. She is Europe.

Hank, who am I?

President Monroe. Correct.

And what was my ultimatum, Maribel?

"Hands off the Western World."

And what is that known as, Robbie?

Robbie?

Oh. Um... The Monroe Doctrine.

What did he say, Maribel?

The Monroe Doctrine.

Robbie?

The Monroe Doctrine.

The Monroe Doctrine. Maribel?

The Monroe Doctrine.

Together! The Monroe Doctrine. The Monroe Doctrine.

The Monroe Doctrine. The Monroe Doctrine.

The Monroe Doctrine.

The Monroe Doctrine. The Monroe Doctrine.

The Monroe Doctrine.

Hank and Wilma, join in.

The Monroe Doctrine. The Monroe Doctrine.

The Monroe Doctrine. The Monroe Doctrine.

Now, class, please.

Please!

The Monroe Doctrine. Louder!

The Monroe Doctrine! The Monroe Doctrine!

Everybody! The Monroe Doctrine!

We were speaking of Wordsworth's personalization of nature.

Hands off the Western World!

Hands off the Western World!

Hands off the Western World!

With all these... Oh, dear.

Hands off the Western World! Very good.

Hands off the Western World!

Louder. Hands off the Western World!

Hands off the West... That's all for today.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Hey, Maribel?

You dropped your pencil.

Thank you.

You know, I was wondering if maybe you and I could...

What did you say, Robbie?

Oh, uh... nothing.

Excuse me.

Come on, Robbie.

We'll be late for Algebra.

Some girls like me, some girls don't like me,

but she's the first one who ever ignored me.

Well, didn't you find anything else out about her?

No, no. I know what she looks like.

Sorry, Dad.

Get out your homework, will you, Rob?

What kind of things does she go for?

I gotta find some way to get her interested.

Yeah.

What are you doing, Bub, sending SOSs?

It's the darned lamp. Yeah.

Dad, what word starts with "Q" besides "queen"?

Uh... "quiet."

Yeah, but how am I going to find a picture of that?

I've got to find a picture of all these words.

Hey, Bub, look at this.

Isn't that the darndest thing?

Yeah. Would you mind standing there on your left foot

while I read this paper?

No.

Dad? Hmm?

How do you feel about people with gold teeth?

I thought you'd never ask.

The seniors had to take a placement test today,

and that's the kind of questions they asked.

Oh. CHIP: Quake, quick, quack...

There must be a loose connection someplace,

but why there?

Unless you're going to be a dentist,

why would gold teeth interest you at all?

Are you kidding? Robbie.

Five more minutes, Dad. No.

Here's a picture of a chicken.

Maybe I could say it's a quail.

Most guys stay on the phone a lot longer than I do.

Most guys get better grades, too.

What are you talking about?

I got a 94 on my last History test.

What's the use of having a letter nothing starts with?

You hear what I said, Dad?

Yeah. You said you wanted to stay on the phone longer.

No. About the 94 in History, Dad.

Boy, where did you run this wire anyway?

Right over the door. Over the door?

Man, you did it the hard way.

Why didn't you just fix the outlet? Okay, Dad.

My History teacher... Mr. Wiley...

Boy, he's the greatest.

He makes something dull like history seem fun.

You know, easy to remember. Yeah. Excuse me, Rob.

Where is that plugged in, over at the Pearson's?

You should've been in on the war with Tripoli, Dad.

Yeah, I'm sure I would have enjoyed it.

Here, sit down.

Miss Pitts was the pasha,

and her pirates wouldn't let us American ships

cruise down the hall unless we paid them money.

Oh. There's a loose wire in this plug, Bub.

But why standing over there would...?

I'll get the screwdriver.

I'd like to get rid of "X" and "Z", too.

Mr. Wiley was President Jefferson,

and he sent the marines... Al and Fizzy and me...

Over to settle it. Boy, oh, boy!

Can I make one more phone call, Dad?

Yeah. As soon as you finish your homework.

Gee. It's awfully important.

What's her name?

Maribel Quinby. But it's not her I'm calling.

Got a picture? Of what?

The Quinby. It could be my second "Q."

Aw, get off it, will you, Chip?

Maribel Quinby is this swell new girl.

I'd like to take her to the sock hop,

but she won't even smile at me.

Smart girl.

Fizzy's girl knows her, and I want to check with Fizzy.

You're not going to have time

for one of those marathons with Fizzy tonight.

Anybody seen a picture of a railroad

or a rhinoceros or a rat?

If I could just get her interested,

I know we'd hit it off big.

She's my type.

Who isn't?

Yeah, but you ought to see the way

she doesn't look at me.

What's the matter with me?

I'll tell you what's the matter with me:

I'm dull.

Just plain blah!

Well, now that we know what the problem is,

all we have to do is solve it, huh?

Yeah.

What's the name of your history teacher?

Mr. Wiley.

But what's...?

Well, Rob, why don't you try

using the Wiley Method on Maribel Quinby?

Huh?

Well, didn't you say he was able

to make dull subjects interesting?

Yeah.

There we are.

Thanks.

One thing about Mr. Wiley...

When he goes into action, you sure can't ignore him.

When things start acting up,

the thing to do is take the time right then

to trace down the source of the trouble and...

I don't know, Robbie.

I mean, I want to help you,

but to run over somebody with my bicycle...

It's the Wiley Method.

That's how he makes dull things exciting.

But it's even against school rules

to ride my bike on the grounds.

Look, you're not going to run over her.

I'm going to throw myself between Maribel and the bike.

Here she comes now.

Come on, get out of here. Okay.

Take it easy. I just painted the bike.

Make it look good.

Look out!

Robbie!

Thank you! Thank you!

Gracious. Are you all right?

Oh, sure, Miss Pitts.

Miss Pitts? But, Robbie, I thought you said...

Hank! You know better

than to ride a bike on the school grounds.

Well, I... Well, gee, Miss Pitts,

anybody can make a mistake.

I tried to flag him down,

but he just wasn't looking.

I might have expected this from some boys,

but certainly not from you.

Well, gee, Miss Pitts... Robbie.

Well, Miss Pitts, he didn't mean to run over you.

Now, Hank, I hope you realize, as Robbie does,

that there are other people on the streets besides yourself.

Thank you, Robbie.

Wow-wee!

Boy, it worked! Put her there.

What do you mean, it worked?

I never saw Miss Pitts so sore!

She treated me like a hero.

Yeah. You're a hero, but what about me?

You did fine, Hank.

You'll do even better next time.

Next time?

Open your books to page 127.

Lochinvar, by Sir Walter Scott.

Wilma, will you start at the top of the page?

Come on, I'd do it for you.

I wouldn't ask you.

Shh, shh-shh-shh.

It'll all be over in two minutes.

Thank you, Wilma.

Hank Ferguson, will you continue from there?

No.

What?

I said no.

Very well, Hank.

I'm sure I can count on Robbie to save the situation.

"Dixieland."

♪ In Dixieland, I'll take my stand ♪

♪ To live and die in Dixie. ♪

That's beautiful stuff.

Now, you ready in the North?

♪ Rally round the flag, boys, we'll rally once again. ♪

It's a wonder you didn't lose the war.

Who are you?

Uh... Kentucky.

Right! Now, remember, Kentucky,

each side is out to get you.

Let's start out with the South.

Now, farmers in your rural districts

gave the South a hold.

Abolitionists dragged Kentucky towards the Union.

You already got me in enough trouble.

Will you lay off? Just this once more.

The slaveholders pulled Kentucky to the South.

I can't say those things about women and girls.

Hey, come on! Take it easy, will you?

This is war!

All right, all right. Class...

Class, the Union wanted to keep hold of Kentucky

for its strategic location.

I can't yell those things in the hall.

You don't have to yell them, so long as I can hear them

and Maribel can hear them.

Hold Kentucky for its strategic location.

Couldn't I just slug you without saying those things?

The Confederacy fought to hang onto Kentucky

to control the Ohio and the approaches to the northern Mississippi!

Come on, man! Ho-heave!

My...

Take it easy, will you?

But the South overstepped itself

and pushed Kentucky right into the waiting arms

of President Lincoln!

Gee, I'm sorry, President Lincoln.

I mean Miss Pitts.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to...

I'm afraid it's my fault, Miss Pitts.

I'm very sorry.

I only came in to say the bell has rung.

Oh, thank you. We didn't hear it,

what with the Border War and all.

Class, we'll settle Kentucky's fate tomorrow.

Dismissed.

Rango, can I have you help with the desk?

And get a couple of guys, will you?

Robbie, I-I can't do it.

I just can't do it.

Okay, Hank. I sure thought you were one guy

who would never let me down.

Oh, for Pete's sake, Robbie!

Well, okay.

But, if it doesn't work this time, I'm through!

Okay, come on. Let's go.

Stand here.

Ready? Start.

"Who needs school?"

Who needs school?

Who needs teachers? Louder!

Who needs school?! Who needs teachers?!

It's a crummy world, and learning a lot of lies in books

won't change things!

I don't believe you really mean that, Hank.

Grow up.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Grow up, Douglas!

Um... don't waste your time

looking for justice, truth, honor and beauty.

They don't exist.

You have only to look at these pretty girls

to realize that there is beauty.

Ah! Women!

They only spoil what little good there is!

Show me a man dazzled by a woman,

and I'll show you a millstone!

Hank Ferguson, you apologize to these ladies.

You're not telling me what to do, Douglas.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

Yeah?

Fight! Fight!

Hey, take it easy.

Ow!

Don't worry, ladies.

I'll fix him for that.

Hank Ferguson, your time has come.

Uppercut.

Robbie, are you hurt?

He barely touched me.

Robbie won!

Are you hurt?

Heck no. I'm just trying to make you look good.

Well, not that good.

Hank Ferguson, stand up and fight like a man!

Take this.

And that.

And that.

Don't worry, ladies, he'll apologize,

won't you? Mr. Wiley.

Robbie.

Hank.

What's going on here?

Thank you very much.

You two boys go into my room.

But actually, Mr. Wiley... Into my room, now.

But it's not... Now!

Okay, the rest of you go on into class.

Hurry up. Come on. Chop-chop.

Go!

Move!

Miss, Pitts, do you know what started this?

Now look at the spot we're in.

Yeah. Maribel took off before we even got to the best part.

I really don't understand it, Mr. Wiley.

Hank's a changed boy.

Well, if-if you'd like to let me handle this, Miss Pitts,

I'm faculty advisor for both the boys.

Oh, yes.

I never thought I'd hear justice and honor

denied in these halls,

and by a boy I once admired.

All right, Robbie, you can go on to your next class now.

Gee, Mr. Wiley, you're not gonna do anything to Hank, are you?

That's something Hank and I will have to work out.

Well, there are lots of worse things

than trying to run over a teacher

or being rude or disobedient in class

or-or fighting in the halls, aren't there?

Boy... Such as what?

Well, what I mean is, they sure wouldn't be

enough to get a guy expelled, would they?

Well, they might give him a running start.

Mr. Wiley, you just can't blame Hank for that.

It was all my fault.

Robbie, I admire your loyalty, but...

I'm not loyal. I'm just a low-down, dirty rat.

Good-bye, Robbie. I got Hank into this

and now I'm gonna get him out. Robbie...

But, Mr. Wiley, I'm not gonna just... Good-bye!

I'm sorry, Hank.

Yeah.

Mr. Wiley.

What if you're that old sea captain

who sailed that beat-up English ship into Roanoke Harbor

and didn't find anyone there

except the lost colony that had disappeared?

What?

I mean, no matter how mysterious things look,

there's just gotta be an explanation.

Oh, boy... Uh, remember Columbus?

Umm... Vaguely.

Well, here he was sure he'd found India,

when it was just little ol'...

Watling Island?

Yeah.

But you read the book and Columbus didn't.

Okay, but what does Watling Island

have to do with this situation?

Mm, plenty.

Are you trying to say

that things aren't always as they appear to be?

Yeah.

I'm just trying to tell you what happened.

All right, Robbie, I'm listening.

Now... What if you were Juliet

or Priscilla Alden, or Queen Guinevere

or any of them?

Now, you sure wouldn't think much of General Custer

if he didn't have any Indians

to make his last stand with, would you?

Oh, boy... What I mean is, uh...

i-if a guy doesn't have a dragon to fight

or-or Norman invaders or, uh, or Apaches,

well, how in the heck is he gonna be a hero

to... Scarlett O'Hara?

Yes, I can see that would be a problem.

Sure.

And unless he's got a darned good friend

who doesn't mind being a-a bunch of wild Indians on the warpath,

or a boatload of dirty ol' pirates or-or...

Hold it.

I think I get the picture.

Robbie...

if Scarlett O'Hara were attending this school,

what name would she be using?

Oh, I don't know. Uh... I-I guess...

some name like, uh...

Maribel Quinby or something like that.

And you're General Custer?

Yeah.

A bunch of Indians on the warpath?

Um... Sit down, Robbie.

Well, it looks like I was wrong, Hank.

I guess you're the one

who should be getting to his next class.

Oh.

Gee, uh... I'm sorry, Robbie.

Yeah.

Robbie didn't mean to make any real trouble

for anybody, Mr. Wiley.

Robbie, w-why on earth

did you risk your reputation and Hank's

just to impress a girl?

Well, it works swell for you.

For me?

You see... Maribel thinks I'm dull,

so Dad told me I ought to...

I mean... I was trying to make myself interesting.

Well, like you do with history.

Y-You were using my teaching methods

for your romantic pursuits?

Yeah.

I was trying to make a dull subject interesting.

Robbie, w-what, what would happen

if Miss Pitts used, used the "Wiley Method"

to-to teach English?

Wow.

It just wouldn't work out at all.

Right! Any more than it did for you

or any more than I could use her method to teach history.

People have to do things in their own ways.

So... General Custer, maybe the best way

to interest... Scarlett O'Hara, or any of them,

would be to do what is natural for you and nobody else.

Yeah, well, what's natural for me doesn't interest Maribel.

Hey, wait a minute.

Getting expelled makes me interesting.

Like, like Benedict Hale and...

Wait, wait, wait, uh...

Robbie, you're not expelled... this time.

And it's Nathan, not Benedict.

Yeah.

Well, let's just say that this was my fault

and please, please never try to use the Wiley Method again.

Well, as far as Maribel is concerned,

maybe you'd get further if you just didn't... try as hard.

Relax and be yourself, which,

believe me, is... anything but dull.

Yeah, well.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Wiley.

I just wish Maribel felt the same way.

Oh, Robbie.

You pass the library

on your way home, from school, don't you?

Yes, sir.

Would you please pick up

Middleton's The War in the West for me?

Every copy in this school is out.

Middleton's War of the West. Sure.

See you tomorrow.

Langley... McCandish... Molloy... Maribel!

What am I doing?

Maribel.

Excuse me... I'm sorry...

I'll get it. I'll get it.

I guess you probably don't remember me too well.

Oh, yes, I do.

Yeah, well, I was that kind of dopey guy

who sat about three seats down in the row behind you.

In Mr. Wiley's class.

Yeah.

I was Missouri when you were Maine.

We were admitted to the Union together, remember?

Course some people don't think I'm too dull,

but some others don't even notice me at all.

Gee, I don't understand that.

You're very noticeable.

One of the most noticeable boys I've ever seen.

I am?

Gee. I didn't even think you even knew I was alive.

Well, sometimes a person feels like being friends with somebody

only you don't know how to start.

I know what you mean.

You don't seem to have any trouble.

Yeah?

But don't forget Columbus.

You mean about Watling Island?

Gee, just think how much luckier we are.

All along, I thought you hadn't even noticed me.

And I thought the same thing about you.

Can I walk you home?

Sure.

I almost forgot what I came for. Oh, me, too.

I promised Mr. Wiley I'd pick up a book for him.

Yeah, so did I.

Middleton's The War in the West?

Anybody home?

♪ Bills, bills, bills. ♪

There you are! Yeah, here I am.

Where's everybody else, Rob? Out!

♪ Bills, bills... ♪ Boy, oh, boy,

did you ever pitch me a curve!

What do you mean? I darn near got expelled.

Expelled?!

You mean from school?

I wouldn't have blamed them.

They had every right after what I did.

Guys have been expelled for doing a lot less.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Now, what am I sorry for?

Don't worry, Dad, I covered for you.

I got to go.

Now, wait a minute, Rob.

You covered what for me?

And where do you have to go?

Oh, I think it'll be okay.

Anyway, it's too late to worry about it now.

Worry about what now?

Boy, when I'm a father, I'm sure gonna be careful

of the bad advice I give my kids.

Think how I'd feel if they ended up in jail.

Good night!

Right.

What did I tell him?