Original subtitles

* GOIN' DOWN TO CRIPPLE CREEK, GONNA HAVE FUN *

* GOIN' DOWN TO CRIPPLE CREEK TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN *

* ROLL UP MY BRITCHES TO MY KNEES... *

OH, HOWDY, BARNEY.

I SEE YOU GOT YOUR PAYCHECK THIS MONTH.

YEAH, I GOT IT. SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT?

YES, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT.

WELL, WHAT? THIS CHECK'S MADE OUT TO BARNEY FIFE.

IT OUGHTA BE MADE OUT TO BARNEY SUCKER.

WHAT? LOOK AT ALL THESE DEDUCTIONS, AND THIS TAX.

THERE'S NOTHING LEFT, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.

BARNEY SUCKER, THAT'S WHO IT OUGHTA BE MADE OUT TO.

OH, BARNEY. THAT'S ME, BARNEY SUCKER.

IT'S OPEN SEASON ON BARNEY.

COME ON, EVERYBODY, LET'S ALL TAKE A BITE OUT OF BARNEY FIFE.

NOW, COME ON. GOOD OLD BARNEY.

HE MAKES IT, HE'S GOT IT, LET'S TAKE IT.

NOW, BARNEY, WOULD YOU JUST SIMMER DOWN?

NOW, THEY'RE ALL LEGITIMATE GOVERNMENT DEDUCTIONS.

BESIDES, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY --

CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU.

WITH ME?

THEY KEEP NIBBLIN' AT ME LIKE THIS,

I'LL BE LUCKY IF I GET TO GO MYSELF.

ONLY THING TO DO, I GUESS,

IS INVEST MY MONEY IN SOME GOOD STOCK.

YOU KNOW, SOMETHING THAT ZOOMS OVERNIGHT.

HAPPENS, YOU KNOW.

OIL STOCKS AND URANIUM.

YOU BETTER WATCH THIS INVESTIN' BUSINESS.

WOODS ARE FULL OF CON MEN.

YOU'D BE JUST RIPE FOR THE PLUCKIN', TOO.

ME? HEH, HEH.

NOT LIKELY, NOT OLD EAGLE-EYE BARNEY.

NO.

WELL, NOW, I TELL YOU,

IF YOU'RE REALLY CONSIDERIN' INVESTIN',

WHY DON'T YOU TRY COIN COLLECTIN'?

COIN COLLECTIN'?

FOR INVESTING?

WELL, SURE.

IT'S A GOOD HOBBY, AND YOU CAN'T NEVER TELL,

WHEN YOU'LL RUN ACROSS A RARE OLD COIN,

MIGHT BRING YOU A WHOLE LOT OF MONEY.

A COIN?

CUT IT OUT.

WELL, SURE.

LOOK HERE, LOOK RIGHT HERE.

HERE. YEAH.

SEE THAT NICKEL RIGHT THERE?

YEAH.

NOW, I PAID $10 FOR THAT NICKEL.

A MONTH LATER, FELLOW OFFERED ME $50 FOR IT.

WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME A BIT IF I WAS TO ADVERTISE

I'D GET, OH, A COUPLE HUNDRED DOLLARS.

FOR A NICKEL? YEAH.

HOW COME?

WELL, THEY MADE A MISTAKE AT THE MINT.

LOOK RIGHT HERE.

SEE THAT BUFFALO RIGHT THERE?

YEAH.

FACING THE WRONG WAY.

I'LL BE DARNED.

FACING THE WRONG WAY, HUH?

YEAH.

HUH. AND THAT MAKES IT VALUABLE?

YUP. YEAH, I DON'T EXPECT

THERE'S MORE THAN TWO OR THREE

IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY.

NO FOOLIN'?

AND IT KEEPS INCREASIN' IN VALUE?

YEAH, THE FEWER THERE ARE ON THE MARKET...

YOU SAY THERE'S ONLY TWO?

OH, TWO OR THREE AT THE MOST.

WELL...

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

UH, YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO SELL IT, WOULD YOU?

HMM?

YOU KNOW OF SOMEBODY WANTS TO BUY IT?

WELL, I MIGHT BUY IT.

YOU MIGHT?

HMM.

I COULDN'T GIVE YOU NO $200, BUT...

MIGHT GO $50.

$75?

$75'S A DEAL?

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU, ANDY.

YEAH. HOW ABOUT THAT?

LET ME JUST COMPARE THIS WITH A REGULAR NICKEL.

LET ME SEE THERE.

HEY, ANDY!

THE BUFFALO ON THIS NICKEL'S FACIN' THE SAME WAY!

OH, LET ME SEE THAT.

NOW, NOW, WHICH WAY'S THE BUFFALO FACING

ON YOUR REGULAR NICKEL?

THAT WAY. WELL, YOU SEE, THE BUFFALO ON THIS RARE NICKEL'S

FACING THAT WAY.

YEAH. SEE?

SEE THERE?

YEAH, YEAH.

I'LL BE DARNED.

YEAH.

HEY, NOW MINE'S FACING THE SAME WAY!

DARN YOU, ANDY!

WELL, BARNEY, I WAS JUST TRYING TO SHOW YOU

HOW EASY IT'D BE FOR YOU TO GET TAKEN.

I DIDN'T THINK I WAS GOING TO GET TAKEN BY MY OWN FRIEND,

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.

I'M SORRY, LET'S JUST FORGET IT.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

HI, ANDY, HI, BARNEY.

Andy: OH, HI, ELLIE.

THIS IS MR. MAXWELL FROM NEW YORK.

MR. MAXWELL, THIS IS OUR SHERIFF, ANDY TAYLOR,

AND HIS DEPUTY, BARNEY FIFE.

OH, HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?

HOW ARE YOU?

HOWDY. HELLO, DEPUTY.

YOU'RE A SALESMAN, ARE YOU?

OH, NO, NO, THIS ISN'T A SAMPLE CASE.

THIS IS A PORTABLE TAPE RECORDER.

MR. MAXWELL MAKES RECORDINGS OF FOLK SONGS

ALL OVER THE WORLD.

HE MIGHT WANT TO DO AN ALBUM

WITH SOME OF THE PEOPLE AROUND HERE.

OH, WELL, I 'SPECT THAT'D TICKLE EVERYBODY,

DON'T YOU, BARNEY?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I STOPPED IN THE DRUGSTORE

TO GET A BITE TO EAT, AND I GOT TO TALKING

TO MISS WALKER, AND SHE SAID THAT POSSIBLY

YOU COULD STEER ME TO SOME OF THE TALENT AROUND HERE.

OH, I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.

SAY, THIS THE FIRST TIME I EVER SEEN

ONE OF THESE DOOHICKEYS IN THE FLESH.

HOW THEY WORK?

WELL, LET ME GIVE YOU A DEMONSTRATION.

SHERIFF, HAVE YOU GOT AN OUTLET AROUND HERE?

YEAH, GOOD PLACE, RIGHT OVER HERE.

WELL, HERE'S THE MICROPHONE.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS PLUG IT IN.

A MIKE AND EVERYTHING.

TURN IT ON.

NOW, HERE, DEPUTY, YOU HOLD THAT IN YOUR HAND.

NOW...

[ MACHINE STARTS UP ]

NOW, GO AHEAD, SAY SOMETHING

RIGHT INTO THE MIKE.

GO AHEAD, BARNEY, SAY SOMETHING.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ COUGHING ]

[Woodenly] UH, T-TESTING, ONE, TWO, HELLO?

SAY SOMETHING OFFICIAL, SOMETHING YOU SAY

EVERY DAY AS A DEPUTY SHERIFF.

OH, OH, YEAH, THAT, OF COURSE.

UH... [ CLEARS THROAT ]

UH, MAYBERRY UNIT NUMBER ONE,

UH... [ CLEARS THROAT ]

UH, TO ALL UNITS.

UH, ROGER AND OVER.

OVER AND, UH, AND, OVER AND UNDER.

FOUR-TEN, TEN-FOU...

UH, BYE.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.

WELL, THAT THING SURE TAKES

THE GUMPTION OUT OF YOU, THOUGH.

NOW, LET'S SEE HOW YOU SOUND.

[ REWINDING ]

THAT'S ME?

NO, THAT'S THE REWINDING OF THE TAPE.

BEST NOT TO PLAY IT TOO LOUD.

YOU'LL ROUND UP EVERY HOG IN THE COUNTY.

LET'S PRESS THIS BUTTON HERE

AND LISTEN TO BARNEY'S REMARKS.

ALL UNITS, UH, ROGER AND...

AND OVER, OVER AND, UH, OVER AND UNDER.

UH...

WELL, DEPUTY, YOU JUST GOT A CASE

OF MIKE FRIGHT.

IT HAPPENS TO A LOT OF PEOPLE.

WELL, I AIN'T MUCH OF A TALKER.

IN MY BUSINESS, THIS BABY DOES MY TALKIN' FOR ME.

WHY DON'T YOU SING A SONG FOR MR. MAXWELL

AND HEAR HOW IT COMES OUT ON TAPE?

OH, NO, I'M LIABLE TO COME OUT

ALL "UHS" LIKE BARNEY.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL, SHERIFF,

BECAUSE IF I MAKE AN ALBUM AND IT SELLS,

ANYBODY WHO RECORDS FOR ME

WILL GET THE STANDARD PERCENTAGE FEE.

YEAH?

UH, MR. MAXWELL, I DON'T RECKON YOU'D BE INTERESTED

IN A SMALL LOCAL BAND,

BUNCH OF YOUNG FELLAS AND MYSELF,

GOT A BANJER AND GUITARS

AND MANDOLINS SUCH AS THAT IN IT?

OH, IT SOUNDS GREAT. OH, WELL, GOOD, GOOD.

I'LL JUST GET ON THE PHONE AND CALL THE BOYS UP,

AND WE'LL MEET YOU OVER HERE AT FLOYD'S BARBERSHOP.

BARBERSHOP? YEAH, WE PLAY IN THERE FOR FLOYD A WHOLE LOT.

HE'S THE BARBER.

WE CALL IT "MUSIC TO SNIP BY."

HEY, UH, MR. MAXWELL,

I -- I THINK I'M OVER MY MIKE FRIGHT NOW.

YOU GOT ENOUGH TAPE LEFT THERE FOR

A LITTLE "QUE SERA, SERA, WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE?"

TURN IT ON.

I'M READY ANY TIME YOU ARE, SHERIFF.

OKAY, NOW, I'VE BEEN A-BRAGGIN' ON US A WHOLE LOT,

SO LET'S DO IT GOOD FOR MR. MAXWELL, ALL RIGHT?

[ PLAYING BLUEGRASS MUSIC ]

* USED TO HAVE A OLD BANJO

* IT WAS ALL STRUNG UP WITH TWINE *

* AND THE ONLY SONG YOU COULD HEAR ME SING *

* WAS "I WISH THAT GAL WAS MINE" *

* WHOA, MULE, YOU KICKIN' MULE

* WHOA, MULE, I SAY

* I AIN'T GOT TIME TO KISS YOU NOW, MY MULE'S RUN AWAY *

* TOOK MY WIFE TO THE BARNYARD

* AND I SET HER DOWN TO SUPPER

* SHE GOT CHOKED ON A TURKEY LEG *

* AND STUCK HER NOSE IN THE BUTTER *

* WHOA, MULE, YOU KICKIN' MULE

* WHOA, MULE, I SAY

* I AIN'T GOT TIME TO KISS YOU NOW, MY MULE'S RUN AWAY *

* FACE IS LIKE A COFFEE POT, YOUR NOSE IS LIKE A SPOUT *

* YOUR MOUTH IS LIKE A FIREPLACE WITH ALL THE ASHES OUT *

* WHOA, MULE, YOU KICKIN' MULE

* WHOA, MULE, I SAY

* I AIN'T GOT TIME TO KISS YOU NOW, MY MULE'S RUN AWAY *

* WHOA, MULE, YOU KICKIN' MULE

* WHOA, MULE, I SAY

* I AIN'T GOT TIME TO KISS YOU NOW, MY MULE'S RUN AWAY *

* WHOA, MULE, YOU KICKIN' MULE

* WHOA, MULE, I SAY

* I AIN'T GOT TIME TO KISS YOU NOW, MY MULE'S RUN AWAY... *

[ NEXT SONG PLAYING ]

* WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE WELL RUNS DRY, HONEY? *

* WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE WELL RUNS DRY, BABE? *

* WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE WELL RUNS DRY? *

* SET ON THE BANK, CRY, CRY, CRY *

* HONEY, BABY MINE

OH, I THOUGHT THAT WAS EXTRA GOOD.

OH, ANDY, YOU AND THE BOYS SOUNDED WONDERFUL.

DIDN'T THEY, MR. MAXWELL?

IF THE REST OF THE FOLKS AROUND HERE

SOUND AS GOOD AS YOU, I'VE GOT IT MADE.

SAY, MR. MAXWELL, ANY TIME YOU'RE READY

FOR A LITTLE "QUE SERA, SERA," JUST SPEAK UP.

OH, YES, DEPUTY, THANKS, I WILL.

WELL, I GOT A LITTLE SHERIFFIN' TO DO.

I'LL GET ON BACK TO THE OFFICE.

NOW, YOU CALL ON THE OTHER FOLKS I TOLD YOU ABOUT.

THANK YOU, SHERIFF.

AND THANK YOU, MISS WALKER.

YOU'RE SO WELCOME.

BYE-BYE, BOYS.

WE'LL SEE YOU.

Man: THANK YOU, MR. MAXWELL.

Floyd: VERY NICE, BOYS, VERY GOOD.

NEVER BETTER.

WELL, THAT'S QUITE A COOPERATIVE SHERIFF

YOU'VE GOT THERE.

YEAH, HE IS.

SAY, UH, TELL ME, MR. MAXWELL,

THIS FOLK MUSIC ALBUM YOU'RE PUTTING TOGETHER --

IS IT REALLY WORTH ALL THE FUSS AND BOTHER?

WELL, I THINK IT IS.

AFTER EXPENSES, I HOPE TO MAKE 25 CENTS AN ALBUM.

25 CENTS?

SOUND LIKE CHICKEN FEED TO ME.

WELL, IT'S HARDLY CHICKEN FEED.

DO YOU KNOW THAT IF AN ALBUM LIKE THIS GOES OVER,

IT CAN SELL OVER 100,000 COPIES?

THAT'S $25,000 PROFIT RIGHT THERE.

OH, THIS HAS GOOD POSSIBILITIES.

$25,000?

WELL, SUPPOSE IT SOLD MORE THAN THAT?

SUPPOSE IT SOLD A MILLION COPIES!

YEAH, A MILLION... WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, WHAT'S IT?

25 CENTS, A HUNDRED THOU...

WELL, THAT'S A QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS.

YOU'RE MAKING ALL THAT MONEY OFF OUR FOLK SONGS?

WHAT DO WE GET OUT OF IT?

WELL, THE PERFORMERS GET

THE STANDARD RATE OF ROYALTY,

THREE CENTS A RECORD.

WHAT ABOUT US THAT CAN'T SING

OR PLAY AN INSTRUMENT OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

FOLK SONGS BELONG TO US JUST THE SAME AS THE OTHERS,

AND SEEMS LIKE WE OUGHTA KINDA SHARE IN THE PROFITS.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, BOYS?

WELL, YEAH, IT'S ONLY FAIR.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

I'M INVESTING MY OWN MONEY IN THIS VENTURE.

WELL, THEN, LET US INVEST SOME MONEY.

YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO BUY STOCK IN THE ENTERPRISE?

All: YEAH, YEAH.

OH, NO, I WOULDN'T WANT YOU FOLKS TO RISK YOUR MONEY.

BESIDES, I HADN'T PLANNED ON ISSUING ANY STOCK.

WELL, PLAN ON IT! YOU CAN'T HOG

A WHOLE MILLION DOLLARS JUST TO YOURSELF.

YEAH, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A GOOD INVESTMENT.

ME, TOO! SO HAVE I!

GENTLEMEN, ARE YOU SURE?

All: YEAH!

[ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ]

MARKET WAS A LITTLE BULLISH YESTERDAY.

INDUSTRIALS UP,

UTILITIES MOVED AHEAD IN QUIET TRADING.

CHEMICALS HELD FIRM.

MM-HMM.

WHATCHA READIN', BARNEY?

THE STOCK MARKET.

NOW I BOUGHT INTO ONE STOCK,

I MIGHT AS WELL BUY INTO ANOTHER.

WHAT?

WELL, THE FINANCIAL PAGE CALLS THAT "DIVERSIFYIN'".

SO, BARNEY FIFE'S GONNA DIVERSIFY.

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'D KNOW

A WHOLE LOT ABOUT THAT, WOULD YA?

WANT ME TO EXPLAIN IT TO YA?

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

SEE, WHEN YOU DIVERSIFY, WHY, YOU...

BARNEY, MAYBE YOU BETTER EXPLAIN

SOMETHING ELSE FIRST.

DID I HEAR YOU SAY YOU BOUGHT SOME STOCK?

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU THINKIN' OF COMIN' IN?

IF YOU AIN'T A PLUNGER,

YOU BETTER STAY OUT OF IT, BOY.

YOU'LL GET KILLED.

WH-WHAT WAS IT YOU INVESTED IN?

IT WASN'T COIN COLLECTIN', I'LL TELL YA THAT.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, WHAT WAS IT?

I SUNK IT IN THE RECORD BUSINESS.

YOU SUNK IT IN THE RECORD BUSINESS?

MM-HMM. HOW MUCH DID YOU SINK?

40 BUCKS.

IT OUGHT TO TURN OVER A PROFIT RIGHT QUICK.

AND WHEN IT DOES, I DIVERSIFY.

NOW, WHEN YOU DIVERSIFY --

BARNEY, BARNEY...

WHERE'D YOU BUY THIS STOCK?

I BOUGHT INTO MR. MAXWELL'S FOLK SONG ALBUM.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT MR. MAXWELL WAS SELLIN' ANY STOCK.

WELL, HE WASN'T GOING TO, BUT ME AND THE BOYS

OVER AT THE BARBERSHOP TALKED HIM INTO IT.

YOU TALKED HIM INTO IT?

YEAH.

SEE, WHEN MAXWELL ADMITTED THAT HE COULD MAKE

AS MUCH AS A MILLION DOLLARS ON THE ALBUM,

ME AND THE BOYS, WE SHAMED HIM INTO LETTIN' US BUY IN.

[ CHUCKLING ]

TRIED TO TALK HIS WAY OUT OF IT,

BUT WE CORNERED HIM GOOD.

BARNEY, YOU KNOW YOU JUST FELL

FOR THE OLDEST SLICKER GAME IN THE WORLD, DON'T YA?

YOU DON'T SEE IT, DO YA?

WELL, IT'S LIKE THEY SAY.

STOCK MARKET'S WHERE YOU SEPARATE THE MEN FROM THE BOYS.

I'LL SEE YA, BOY.

LET ME KNOW NEXT TIME YOU COME ACROSS ONE OF THEM RARE NICKELS

WITH THE BUFFALO FACIN' THE WRONG WAY.

I SHOULD HAVE SOLD HIM THAT NICKEL.

THEN AT LEAST HE'D OWN SOMETHIN' WORTH A NICKEL.

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG

WITH PEOPLE INVESTING IN HIS ALBUM.

IF HE SELLS IT TO A BIG RECORD COMPANY,

WE ALL STAND TO MAKE A PROFIT.

WE ALL STAND?

ELLIE, YOU -- YOU DIDN'T...

WELL, YES, I DID!

OH, COME ON, NOW.

DON'T TELL ME YOU FELL FOR THAT CON GAME OF HIS TOO.

ARE YOU IMPLYING MR. MAXWELL IS DISHONEST?

I'M NOT IMPLYING ANYTHING.

I JUST SAY, WHEN YOU SEE A WEASEL'S TRACKS,

LOCK UP YOUR HENS.

MR. MAXWELL IS NO WEASEL!

HE SOUNDED PERFECTLY SINCERE TO ME WHEN HE FIRST WALKED IN HERE,

AND I STILL HAPPEN TO BELIEVE HIM.

YOU MAKE IT SOUND AS IF I'M STUPID AND GULLIBLE.

OH, NO, NOW, ELLIE, AIN'T NO REASON FOR YOU

TO GET YOUR PIN FEATHERS RUFFLED.

DON'T I -- DON'T I GET A LITTLE WHIPPED CREAM?

OH, GOODY.

NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, TAKE IT EASY.

I JUST WANT TO EAT IT, I DON'T WANT TO CLIMB IT.

YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, ANDY,

STARTING SUSPICIOUS RUMORS ABOUT MR. MAXWELL.

WELL, I'M JUST DOING MY JOB,

PROTECTING THE FOLKS HERE IN MAYBERRY.

THAT'S MY DUTY AS SHERIFF, YOU KNOW.

YOU WOULDN'T BE A LITTLE BIT JEALOUS OF HIM, WOULD YOU?

JEALOUS! WELL, WHY WOULD I BE JEALOUS?

HI, PAW! HI, MISS ELLIE!

OH, HI, OPE. HI, HONEY.

ELLIE -- LOOKS GOOD, PAW.

WELL, FINE, HOP UP AND HAVE SOME.

NOW, LOOK, ELLIE, I DIDN'T COME IN HERE TO START A FIGHT.

I SUPPOSE YOU THINK I'M IN CAHOOTS WITH MR. MAXWELL.

IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?

I DON'T THINK ANY SUCH THING!

WHAT ARE YOU TWO SPATTING ABOUT?

NOTHING, EAT YOUR SUNDAE.

TELL HIM, ANDY, TELL HIM HOW SUSPICIOUS YOU ARE,

HOW YOU DON'T TRUST ANYBODY.

I TRUST PEOPLE.

SHE JUST WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

I'LL LISTEN TO REASON, BUT YOUR FATHER

CAN'T GIVE ME A SINGLE GOOD ONE.

OF COURSE I CAN, I'M JUST TRYING TO

TELL HER TO BE CAREFUL OF A STRANGER.

THE STRANGER HAPPENS TO BE A PERFECTLY TRUSTWORTHY MAN.

BUT SHE DON'T KNOW THAT. I HAVE NO REASON TO MISTRUST HIM.

SHE'S GOT NO REASON TO TRUST HIM.

I HAPPEN TO KNOW AN HONEST FACE WHEN I SEE ONE.

HOW'D YOU GET INTO THIS?

I DON'T KNOW,

I JUST CAME IN TO HAVE SOME OF YOUR SUNDAE.

[ PLAYING BLUEGRASS MUSIC ]

[ MUSIC ENDS ] [ CLICK ]

OH, THAT WAS WONDERFUL, BOYS, JUST WONDERFUL.

THEY'RE GREAT, SHERIFF. I'M GLAD YOU LIKE 'EM.

IT'S JUST THE KIND OF MUSIC I WAS LOOKING FOR,

AUTHENTIC, AND I'VE GOT YOU TO THANK FOR IT, SHERIFF.

UH, YEAH.

WE APPRECIATE YOU LETTIN' US

PLAY FOR YOU, MR. MAXWELL.

WELL, THANK YOU. WE SURE APPRECIATE YOU LETTING US

BUY STOCK IN YOUR RECORDING COMPANY, TOO.

WELL, LET'S HOPE IT WORKS OUT WELL FOR ALL OF US.

WELL, THANKS AGAIN, BOYS.

THAT'LL BE ALL FOR TONIGHT.

Andy: SEE YA, BOYS.

NIGHT, ANDY. NIGHT, NOW.

YOU, UH, FIGURE THESE TAPES

GONNA REALLY AMOUNT TO SOMETHIN', DO YA?

WELL, I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.

RIGHT NOW THE MARKET FOR FOLK MUSIC IS AT ITS HEIGHT,

AND I HAVE HIGH HOPES THAT THIS PROJECT

IS REALLY GOING TO TAKE ME PLACES.

OH. SAY, SHERIFF,

ALMOST EVERYONE AROUND HERE

HAS INSISTED ON BECOMING A PARTNER.

DON'T YOU WANT TO COME IN, TOO?

OH, NO, NO, NO.

I GUESS I'M JUST NOT A PLUNGER.

I WAS PUSHIN' HIM PRETTY HARD LAST NIGHT

WHEN I GOT HIM TO ADMIT THAT HE'S GONNA ROUND UP

EVERYTHIN' HE CAN GET HERE, AND THEN IT'S BYE-BYE, MAYBERRY

AND BYE-BYE YOUR MONEY, TOO.

OH, THAT DON'T MAKE SENSE, ANDY.

WHY SHOULD HE LET ON TO YOU, THE SHERIFF, THAT HE WAS

INTENDIN' TO SKIP TOWN WITH OUR MONEY, HUH, WHY?

YEAH, WHY? WHY?

HE-HE-HE DIDN'T EXACTLY LET ON TO ANYTHING.

IT'S JUST I CAN SEE THROUGH ALL THAT FAKE HONESTY.

HE EVEN TRIED TO SELL ME SOME STOCK,

BUT I TURNED HIM DOWN FLAT.

WELL, IF YOU'RE THAT SUSPICIOUS OF THIS FELLA,

WHY DON'T WE JUST CALL HIM

AND HAVE OURSELVES A LITTLE TALK WITH HIM?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, FLOYD.

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO, SARAH? THIS IS OFFICIAL.

GET ME THE HOTEL RIGHT AWAY.

[Quietly] BARNEY FIFE.

WE'LL SEE JUST HOW MUCH GROUNDS YOU HAVE

FOR SUSPECTIN' HIM, ANDY.

IF YOU ASK ME, WITH YOU,

I THINK IT'S JUST A CASE OF SOUR GRAPES.

YEAH, HE-HELLO, JASON?

RING ME MR. MAXWELL'S ROOM RIGHT AWAY.

[Quietly] BARNEY FIFE.

JUST PLAIN SOUR GRAPES, THAT'S ALL IT IS.

WE'RE ALL IN THIS THING BUT YOU AIN'T, SO YOU JUST --

HEL-- WHAT? WHA--

WHAT'D YOU SAY, JASON?

OH.

WHAT IS IT, BARNEY?

MR. MAXWELL CHECKED OUT THIS MORNING.

[GASPS] HE SKIPPED!

WHAT?

Man: WE BEEN TOOK!

ANOTHER BUFFALO POINTIN' THE WRONG WAY.

ALL -- ALL RIGHT, SERGEANT.

IF YOU WAS TO SPOT HIM,

I'D 'PRECIATE IF YOU'D LET ME KNOW.

ALL RIGHT, YES.

WELL, HE'S NOT IN RALEIGH.

NOW, WHERE IN THE WORLD COULD MAXWELL HAVE

DISAPPEARED TO IN SIX HOURS?

WELL, YOU'D BETTER GET HIM, HE'S GOT OUR MONEY!

ALL RIGHT, QUIET! QUIET DOWN, EVERYBODY!

NOW, THIS IS LAWMAN'S WORK.

WE'LL GET HIM.

WE'LL PUT OUT AN ALL POINTS BULLETIN.

WE'LL SET UP ROADBLOCKS EVERYWHERE.

I'LL GET HIM.

I'LL TRACK HIM DOWN IF IT TAKES FOREVER.

AND THEN I'M GONNA BRING HIM IN ALIVE, ANDY.

BECAUSE THIS BOY'S MINE.

[ ALL TALKING ANGRILY ]

[ MEN YELLING ]

LET'S DO SOMETHING NOW.

WE WANT ACTION!

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED, SHERIFF.

YOU'VE INCITED THIS ENTIRE TOWN

AGAINST MR. MAXWELL.

HE DID THE INCITIN' WHEN HE LEFT.

BUT YOU STILL DON'T KNOW THAT HE'S DONE ANYTHING WRONG.

ANYTHING WRONG?

HE STOLE $40 OF MINE!

OH, STOP IT.

HE DIDN'T STEAL ANYTHING.

YOU GAVE IT TO HIM TO INVEST.

HE TOOK OFF WITH OUR MONEY.

HE SKIPPED TOWN! HE STOLE IT!

BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW HE WON'T BE BACK?

WE'RE WASTIN' TIME TALKIN', SHERIFF.

LET'S GET ON WITH IT.

[ MEN YELLING ]

HOLD, HOLD, HOLD ON.

NOW, I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING PHONY

ABOUT THE FELLA JUST TO START WITH,

BUT YOU WAS ALL SO ANXIOUS TO THROW YOUR MONEY AWAY,

YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ANYBODY.

NOW, LET'S JUST QUIET DOWN AND SEE IF WE

CAN'T HANDLE THIS IN AN ORDERLY WAY.

WE WANT OUR MONEY BACK!

[ ALL YELLING ]

WE'LL GET HIM.

MISS WALKER.

MR. MAXWELL...

WHY, I HEARD YOU'D LEFT TOWN.

I DID. I WENT TO RICHMOND.

BUT I'M BACK WITH GOOD NEWS.

HERE. LOOK AT THIS.

I SOLD THE ALBUM TO NATIONAL RECORDS.

THAT'S THE SIGNED CONTRACT.

AND HERE'S THE LITTLE SOMETHING THAT GOES WITH IT.

A CERTIFIED CHECK FOR... $5,000?

THAT'S JUST THE ADVANCE PAYMENT.

THIS IS WONDERFUL.

JUST WONDERFUL!

ISN'T IT? NO, I MEAN IT'S MORE WONDERFUL THAN YOU KNOW.

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO REPORT THIS

TO YOUR STOCKHOLDERS?

I KNOW WHERE THEY HAPPEN TO BE RIGHT NOW.

OH, GOOD.

SAY, CAN YOU IMAGINE THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES?

YES, I CAN JUST IMAGINE.

COME ON.

NOW, HE COULD HAVE TAKEN THIS ROAD RIGHT HERE

TO GET UP TO THE STATE HIGHWAY.

BUT YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT CARS!

[ ALL ARGUING ]

ALL RIGHT, NOW, COME ON!

YOU FELLAS ARE INTERFERIN' WITH POLICE OPERATIONS.

NOW GET!

GO ON, GET OUTTA HER!

LET US DO SOME WORK!

GO ON!

INTERFERIN' WITH POLICE...

[ GASPS ]

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, FLOYD?

IT'S HIM, MAXWELL.

WHAT? HE'S COMIN' THIS WAY.

THE KILLER RETURNS TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME, HUH?

THIS OUGHT TO BE INTERESTIN'.

EVERYBODY JUST ACT NATURAL.

Andy: WELL, MR. MAXWELL.

DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU SO SOON.

NO, WE DIDN'T.

WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, NEITHER DID I.

COME BACK FOR MORE MONEY, DID YOU?

WELL, MONEY WAS ONE OF THE REASONS I CAME BACK.

HERE, SHERIFF, READ THIS.

OH, I DON'T HAVE TO.

WHY, I'M SURE THE PEOPLE AROUND HERE

IS PLEASED WITH THE WAY YOU LET 'EM INVEST THEIR MONEY.

THEY'RE JUST CHAMPIN' AT THE BIT TO PUT IN MORE, AIN'T YA, BOYS?

SURE! YEAH!

BUT, SHERIFF, DON'T YOU EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT THE CONTRACT?

OH, I DON'T HAVE TO.

THERE AIN'T NO REAL NEED.

WHY, THE FOLKS AROUND HERE TRUST YOU.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, BOYS?

I MUST SAY THIS IS ONE OF THE FANCIEST

OUTFITS I EVER DID SEE -- GOT ALL THE "WHEREASES"

AND THE "HERETOFORES" AND THE "THERETOS"

AND THE NATIONAL RECORD...

NATIONAL RECORDS?!

Ellie: THEY BOUGHT OUR FOLK SONG ALBUM.

SHOW HIM THE CHECK, MR. MAXWELL.

OH, YES, OF COURSE.

Ellie: WHAT'S THE MATTER, ANDY?

A CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?

I'LL READ IT.

"CERTIFIED $5,000."

CERTIFIED?

CERTIFIED? CERTI...

FIVE THOU--

Maxwell: THAT'S OUR FIRST DIVIDEND.

MISS WALKER CAN PUT IT IN THE BANK.

AND NOW, GENTLEMEN, I'M GOING UP TO NEW YORK

TO GET OUR ALBUM ROLLING.

AND YOU OWE IT ALL HERE TO YOUR SHERIFF.

HUH?

WELL, AFTER ALL, YOU WERE THE ONE

WHO STEERED ME TO ALL THAT TALENT, AND THE NUMBERS

YOU DID WITH THE BAND TURNED OUT TO BE VERY BIG.

WELL, NOW I BETTER GET OUR COMPANY MOVING.

IN THE MEANTIME, I'LL SEND YOU MONTHLY REPORTS

AND YOUR DIVIDEND CHECK, OF COURSE.

THANKS AGAIN, SHERIFF.

BYE! BYE, MR. MAXWELL!

AND TO THINK IT ALL HAPPENED

BECAUSE OF OUR SHERIFF.

DON'T YOU THINK HE DESERVES

A NICE, BIG PAT ON THE BACK?

OH!

OH, IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL, ANDY!

BARNEY'LL LIKE THAT.

HE'S A STOCKHOLDER, YOU KNOW.

SHH.

HE'S DIVERSIFYIN'.