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- I believe... I truthfully believe that reality television has saved television.

I... You know, actors, writers, producers, directors, agents,

we all aspire to the truth, you know?

And what greater truth is there than reality?

Even when it's scripted.

[indistinct radio chatter]

[TV]: You've gotta hand it to Coach Ty Carhart for breaking this team's long...

...and turning this team into a real...

- Alright. Well, that's all of it, Jaynie.

- You better get home, or your mom's gonna kill me. And remember--

- I know, I know. Vance wasn't here.

- Right. - Thanks! Bye, Vance. Great game tonight!

- Bye, kidlet. I'm gonna go up and try tweaking the dish,

see if we can get some reception.

Uh... babe, I know it's weird, but are you sure you're okay?

I mean, with his release and everything?

- I'm okay.

Some dads give interviews to Fox Sports, and some to parole boards.

[chuckling] Mm...

- You know, when this show hits the air,

you're gonna be the next Blanca Champion, baby.

[scoffing] - Vance.

She's skanky and blonde and rich. We have nothing in common.

- Whoa, not true. You both have smokin' hot little booties.

- Come on. We have to close up.

Then I can focus all my attention on you.

Go fix the dish while I turn off the lights on the trails.

- Okay, roger that. I can get the lights, too. Just finish up in here. Really.

- I'll do it. I'll do it. Don't take too long.

- Hurry, please. [laughing]

- Couldn't wait, huh?

Very funny, Vance.

Come on, you know I hate this shit.

Vance?

[shouting]

[screaming]

[screaming]

- Ah!

[exclaiming]

[whimpering]

- Come on, Vance. [whimpering]

♪ It's a killer day to be alive ♪

♪ It's a killer day to be alive ♪

♪ It's a killer day to be alive ♪

♪ It's a killer day to be alive ♪

[screaming]

♪ Everybody's looking but nobody knows ♪

♪ Why I got blood on my clothes ♪

♪ But I feel good and it shows ♪

♪ Sun's out guns out That's the way I like ♪

♪ Run now run now Got you in my sights ♪

♪ It's a killer day to be alive ♪

♪ It's a killer day to be alive ♪

♪ It's a killer day to be alive ♪

♪ It's a killer day to be alive ♪

This is Margo Moorehead, reporting live outside the Culver City Courthouse,

where it looks like even more bad news for Blanca Champion.

On the heels of her well-publicized bout with exhaustion

come allegations of assault and battery from John Jordan,

a production assistant on the set of her new movie, Hush, Hush.

As expected, Jordan filed suit today against Champion and Affiliated Studios.

Allegedly, Champion found a green-tea latte not to her liking.

That's when sources say Champion proceeded to hurl the scalding-hot drink at Jordan,

causing second-degree burns from his torso,

well, down to his more delicate regions.

In a statement released this morning,

Champion swears the beverage was only lukewarm,

which is, indeed, why she threw it at him in the first place.

This is Margo Moorehead, reporting...

- Hey. - Where exactly did you burn? Show us again.

- I, uh... I was starting to think that I'd never work again.

- Oh, stop it, stop it. Come on. Ahem.

- Alright, I'm excited. Tell me about this job. - I'm serious, okay?

It's a great concept for a reality show. Now, picture this:

a small border town, the high-school hockey team

on a 100-year losing streak winds up with a star forward.

For the first time in the school's history,

they got a shot at the State Championship. Production's running behind.

They need a solid director, and I told them you're the guy.

- Underdog sports team, kid makes good. I like it.

- I knew it. I knew it. Now get this.

The team's called The Gold Diggers.

They're from this tiny, little town called White Plains in North Dakota--

- North Dakota? Oh, wow.

Uh... border town kinda makes it sound like... Mexico.

Uh... I don't know, Seaton.

I'm from San Diego. I think I might freeze my ass off.

- I know. I get it, okay? Now get over it.

And besides, the network would really consider this one a favour.

And, actually, there's one more thing. - What?

- Blanca Champion's gonna be up there with you.

- Blanca Champion? - Her next movie's with the network's film division,

and she's playing a reality-television director

who uncovers some major political scandal.

Haven't read the script yet. She wants to do the whole method thing,

you know, be taken seriously as an actress.

And since you and Blanca work so well together,

the network thought that she could observe you.

- Work well together? Seaton, I...

I was her production assistant on her first movie.

I was a glorified babysitter. I doubt she even remembers me.

- Well, guess what. Not only does she remember you, she loves, loves the idea.

She says this time around, she could be your PA.

Besides, with all the bad publicity she's been getting lately,

she could use a little babysitting.

- Seaton, let me get this straight.

You want me to go to a remote town in a red state that borders Canada

with Blanca Champion pretending to fetch people coffee? What?

Seaton, that's ridiculous. I... I'm not that broke.

And to be honest with you, life is too short. And how's it even possible?

You know what it's like going out in public with her. Draws crowds like The Beatles.

- No, no, no, that's the beauty, Jake.

The townspeople have already signed non-disclosure agreements.

You and Blanca are gonna be in the middle of nowhere. Only studio publicity knows.

And by the time the World Press gets wind of it, your show will be wrapped.

And best of all, they're gonna pay your rate. Yeah-ha. Yeah, you're welcome.

[scoffing]

- Can I bring my dog?

- My name is Nik and I am a PA on the show Digger Fever.

White Plains is the kind of city that...

people in Middle America make fun of.

[whimpering]

- There you go, buddy. How you doing, buddy?

I missed you, yeah. I missed you.

- Hey, you must be Jake. I'm Greg, the production's UPM.

- Hey, man. Nice to meet you.

- It's about a six-hour drive to White Plains from here.

- I was surprised there was no other crew on the plane.

- Well, most of the crew arrived the Monday before last.

It's been pretty intense here with all that's happened.

- Why? What's happened? - One of the local girls just got killed.

ATV accident.

Town folk pretty much freaked out when Ted, our first director,

tried to get exclusive with them about it.

- Wait. Ted... your first director? So I'm... I'm replacing him?

- Dude, those agent types aren't too big on full disclosure, are they?

[radio]: We're taking a poll this morning on Good Morning White Plains.

Bob Hansen, you're... [honking]

- Jake, this intersection's a good landmark.

It's exactly 39 miles from your cabin.

The mini-market on the right is where we do most of our shopping.

- Is this the place? - Yeah, almost.

It's about another mile and a half down this road.

The second door on your right's the bedroom.

You're sharing this place with Lee, our executive producer.

Oh, by the way, Lee wants to meet you in an hour at the local diner

for a production meeting.

- Uh, okay. Um... so it's just me and Lee here?

Is... is he here right now?

Yeah, uh, she, and no.

She's actually sleeping at one of the other crew cabins,

but we're not supposed to know about that.

Got map and directions... and keys.

Peace out, brother.

- Bongo... what did I just get us into?

- I generally tell my clients what they need to know.

And... and Jake needed a job, and, um... and he got it.

- I can't hear... You're gonna have to speak up.

I can't hear you.

Hello? Sit.

Oh, piece of crap.

- You must be Jake. I'm Phoebe, Lee's assistant.

We're totally excited you're here.

- Jake, I'm Lee Tyson, the show's producer.

Thank you for getting here so quick.

Hey, Phoebe, do me a favour. Will you go call the equipment house,

see where the rest of our stuff is?

- Sure. I'll be right back.

- Okay, look, here's the deal:

these people think we are here to shoot a reality show

about their loser hockey team making good.

But some girl kills herself joy riding at night,

probably drunk on moonshine or something.

Everyone's all bent out of shape about this except Coach Carhart,

who only cares about winning the championship.

Now, did I mention the ex-coach, Hansen?

He's a flippin' loon who just got out prison

for "accidentally" killing his wife 10 years ago.

Carhart's son was banging Hansen's daughter.

Hansen's daughter...

ends up dead. It's fucking gold.

- Wow. Yeah, um...

that's... that's a lot of information.

Uh... you know, Lee, I... I kind of liked the whole underdog-hockey-team angle.

Uh, not really such a fan of messing with people's heads.

- And I am telling you that I want you to go to that high school

and shoot me a fuckin' show about these crazy coaches and their beer-guzzling buddies.

Got it?

- Seaton Brookstone's office. - Hello? Hey, Shannon.

Hey, it's Jake. Is Seaton in?

- Hi, Jake. Having a bad time hearing you.

Not a good connection. I don't have Seaton right now. He's in a meeting.

- Yeah, I'm sure he is. Listen, Shannon, I...

This is the first time I've had any bars on my phone since I landed.

Something... something's off here, and I really need to talk to him

before I go in and start this thing up. Have him call me, please?

Hello?

Hello?

♪ What am I doin' doin' doin' doin' doin' doin' here ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪ Is it too late to back out ♪ Is it too late to back out

- I think we're crew. - Excuse me?

- I'm Keir, your camera assistant.

Or at least I think so.

'Cause no one spends that much money on sunglasses around here.

So I figure you're Jake, right? - Uh... I... I am.

Um... and I got these for free off my last show.

I was, um... I was worried they were a bit too fancy for me.

- No, you pull them off well.

- Can I talk you into maybe... showing me around this place?

- So did you meet Lee?

- Oh, yeah. [laughter]

- Yeah, she's quite a lady. And I use the term loosely.

Look, before we go in, uh...

I don't mean to cross any lines, but can I show you something?

- Yeah, sure.

[bell ringing]

- I'm dying to Google these people.

I don't know if you've tried yet,

but it's impossible to get on the internet up here.

I've tried the dial-up, like, 30 times,

only to get knocked off after 10 seconds.

- This is the girl that died.

Jaynie, right? - Yeah.

This girl's death was just...

so violent.

- So you started checking into the town's history... hoping to find what?

- I don't know, but let's just say for a town this small,

this place has had its share of death and drama.

"Left behind are Ty Carhart and his two-year-old, Vance,

the surviving twin. Father and son were in Whiskey River,

picking up supplies when the accident happened."

This is Carhart... the hockey coach?

- Yep. - I mean, this is... an awful story, all of it.

But... I don't really get what it has to do with this ATV accident.

- You two have to leave. Now!

- Jaynie Hansen's death, um, you know, where... where I'm from,

you get a cut, a scrape, a broken leg, is considered an accident.

What happened to her... I don't think that was an accident.

- Five, six, here we go.

♪ Gold Diggers go

♪ We thought we had forever

- Vance, you need to focus! ♪ Well I don't want it to end

- That's Carhart, the hockey coach? - Yep.

- We're not gonna beat Eagle Ridge unless you show some hustle, boy!

Maybe we ought to take this practice outside, run a few laps.

Then you'll play like men instead of wussies.

- Come on, Coach.

- That kid's not getting much of a mourning period, huh? - Come on!

- Is that Luke? Luke!

- Jake! Ha-ha! - I didn't know you were on this show, man.

- Thank God you're here, dude. These people are a bunch of freaks!

- We did a show called Your Town over in Miami a few years ago. - Yeah.

- How's the rest of the crew? - Let me put it to you this way.

Our sound guy's a local hire who lives in his car.

- We should get going 'cause Lee's gonna get here,

and that woman, we do not want to piss off.

- Alright, man. [both]: Good to see you. Yeah. - See you in a bit.

- What the...?

- Here he is!

- How you doin', man? Alright.

- Jake, looks like you already met Keir.

This is Daphne, our story producer.

And this is Mike, your sound guy.

- Hey, man, have we worked together before?

- What? - Hi, Jake.

- Hi. - I know it's trèsgeeky to say, but I love your work.

I'm so excited you're on this project.

Back on the Ranch is my favourite show. Was.

- Uh, well, thank you. I'm glad you liked it. I did, too.

- Alright, the only one missing is Nik, our PA.

But he went to Winnipeg to pick up Blanca.

- She's arriving by helicopter. Isn't that cool?

- Yeah, it's very cool. - I was the first one here,

so if you want the backstory on anyone, cast or crew, come to me.

- Hi, Daphne! Is she here yet?

- Almost! That's Erin, the head cheerleader.

She's very excited to meet Blanca.

- Blanca Champion is coming to White Plains to do research for a movie role.

She's playing a reality-TV director who uncovers some big political scandal.

[players shouting] - I can't even begin to believe this.

- Oh, I... I'll be right back. Okay.

- Hi, Blanca.

- Hi, Scooby. - Hi.

- Hi. - Uh...

what the hell are you wearing?

- I was told to dress sexy. - By who? Seaton?

- It's being handled, right, sweetheart? - Handled!

- Ms. Champion, I am so excited to meet you.

I... I... I am your biggest fan.

You are a personal hero to me. Do you think you can sign this, please?

- Sure, sweetie. - Um...

I know it's none of my business, but you two were so close.

Why were you fighting?

- Because she's a cunt. - Okay.

Uh, excuse us for a second. We're just gonna...

- Um, I'm a big fan, too.

- Yeah?

- We'll have a little talk, shall we?

- Okay. Easy, Scooby. You're turning me on.

- Please don't call me Scooby.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Hey, buddy, um, do you mind excusing us for a second?

- Hey, sexy. I like where those shorts cup your little ass.

It's delicious.

[giggling]

- Blanca... do you even remember me?

- I'm sorry. Are we in the boys' locker room? It stinks in here. Blech!

- Yeah. No, I know this isn't, uh, exactly ideal,

but I hear if we make it through the next few weeks on our best behaviour,

we're gonna score big bonus points with the studio.

- Ooh, what's best behaviour? - Well, it's probably, uh,

not using the "C" word in front of the small-town cheerleaders.

- Oh, God. They're dealing with some heavy shit around here.

A local girl recently got killed in an accident, so the people are pretty shook up.

- Alright, whatever.

Okay, you know what? I get it.

And I'm serious about this movie research stuff, okay?

I'm sick of playing dopey teenagers.

I have to nail this. We're cool.

- Alright. Oh, hey, and uh,

it's kinda cold in here, so you may want to rethink the whole mini-skirt thing.

- Fuck off. - Okay. Nice. Very nice.

- Blanca Champion. Wow! - I'd say we have a pretty unique connection.

I mean, how many guys can say that they've carried all 28 pieces of her luggage?

- She's, uh... she's very, uh... I... How to say this?

- I held her hand. Well, I... I blocked her hand.

Yeah, she was trying to hit me. It was my fault. I made a mistake.

But, yeah, I mean, we're pretty close.

[music playing] [crowd cheering]

[indistinct announcer chatter]

- ...Vance Carhart scores again!

By the way, ladies and gentlemen,

don't forget to look for yourself on television this fall

as the Diggers star in Digger Fever, their very own reality show.

- Yeah! Oh! [indistinct announcer chatter]

- We are just so blessed by Jesus Christ,

and I know that he really wants us to win State.

- I'm sorry, but I gotta ask. What can you tell me

about your friend Jaynie's death or her father's release from prison?

- Um...

I don't think I'm supposed to talk about that.

- Erin, let's wrap this up.

- I have to go now.

- You know... I don't even want to tell you what I saw down in that boiler room.

- The townspeople are all up in my grill because...

I've got my crew asking questions that aren't just about hockey.

Give me a break. Do these people don't even own a fucking television?

It's not like the show's for the fucking Nature Channel, people.

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[up-tempo music]

- Where are we even going, anyways?

And I can't believe this is the crew van. So lame.

- It's a low-budget show. The school let us use this for free.

- Look, guys, if this is what the kids are talking about, this is the story to follow.

Everyone we've talked to has brought up this Hansen guy.

- Does anyone know how long this guy's been outta prison? - Less than a month.

- Do I need to remind you that I'm on a 10-hour schedule and I don't do overtime?

- Okay.

Thanks, Mike.

- Whatever. - Nik, any idea where this cabin is?

- Erin said we can't miss it. Should be just off the lake.

- Hello?

Coach Hansen?

Hi. Uh, my name's Jake Tanner,

and, um, we're in town shooting a show--

- "Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

Against Thee have I only sinned and done that which is evil in Thy sight."

- This is fucking scary as shit.

- I'm just gonna put this microphone on you right here, okay? Ah!

- Get the hell outta here. I didn't invite you here. This is private property.

I said get the hell out!

- Okay, okay. Sorry. - All of ya!

- Didn't mean to bother you. We don't want any trouble. - I want my microphone.

- Just leave it. - I'm billing the production. - Just leave it.

- Man, I've done a lot of shows where they picketed us. Like Your Town Seattle,

they didn't want us there. But this? This place...

- You'd think they don't even want an economy.

I mean, they just wanna, you know, sit around and, you know... eat elk.

- And the ex-coach,

he looks like the villain from the Scooby Doo cartoons. Weird.

- That reality-TV crew should've been following me around, you know?

While they were out talking to Jaynie Hansen's crazy dad,

I was finding the cheerleading coach's body all mangled in the woodshop.

Now that would've made for some great television, you know?

I took some footage with my camera phone if you guys wanna buy it.

- Honestly, I'd like to know where the fuck my crew was

when that shloop was finding a body in the woodshop.

Probably asking some little kid about the thrill of victory.

I don't give a fuck who she is. Her agent... Wait a minute.

That asshole is your agent, too, isn't he? Yeah.

He made me pay her as a PA while she does her research.

So guess what that means. She needs to work

like a fucking PA, so this is how it's gonna go.

As long as she's on my payroll, remember this.

- Will do. - I wanna know when she naps,

where she naps and how long she naps.

You're gonna write it down, deduct it from her paycheque. Got it?

[scoffing] - Lee, why don't you give her a break?

She travelled all night. - That's just great.

What do you want to do? Give her a fucking bottle and change her diapers, too?

- Mister? - Hey. What's up, buddy?

- It wasn't an accident.

- Okay, I'm listening.

- Jaynie used to take me cross-country skiing there all the time.

She knew that place.

I heard something when I was leaving that night.

But I didn't do nothin'.

- Well, you know what I think?

I think you're one brave little guy for telling me that.

I'm gonna do some asking around. Cool?

- Cool. - Come on.

- You know, if... you know, if you wanna nap,

then, uh, the bed in my camper is...

it's a lot more comfortable than here.

- I'm fine here, fuck face. But thanks.

[wind whistling]

- Lee?

You home?

Ah... Hey, buddy.

How you doing? [whimpering]

Yeah, you wanna go outside, don't you? Alright.

Alright, come on. Come on, Bongo.

Oh, shit!

Oh, Jesus Christ, you scared the hell outta me.

- Don't go digging up shit you don't know nothing about.

- I'm sorry, what? - You heard me!

It's a small town, we all talk to each other.

I don't care to hear none of the shit Coach Hansen is spinning.

He's an ex-con... and a murderer.

Are we clear?

- Yeah... we're clear.

- I don't want to accuse Vance's dad of having anything to do with these killings,

but... I have a weird inkling that there....

there's some connection there.

[sighing]

- Jesus Christ. [Bongo whimpering]

[whimpering]

[moaning]

Oh, wow. Uh, Jesus. Sorry.

- Nice timing, douchebag.

- Um, we were just gonna go get a beer or whatnot.

You should totally come.

- Okay.

- You're so bad. [laughter]

[pop music playing]

- I'm fairly certain that Blanca chick wants me.

I have that extra sense, you know.

Like, I can smell blood a mile away.

I knew something was rotten in Bismarck.

Sheriff says she was in there for hours before I found her.

- Has anyone told her husband?

- Nah. He's downstate on a timber run.

I tried him on the C.B., but no luck.

- Who are you guys talking about?

- There was... an accident up at the school.

Miss Falls, the cheerleading coach.

- Decapitated. Heartbeat-less.

- I get it. It's awful.

- Look, uh, what do you say we cut outta here?

Let's go for a midnight swim.

- I'd say, "Hell, yeah." - I'll get our coats.

- No good can come of you staying here.

Mark my words and leave now.

All of you. - Hey!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, man.

- Jesus.

- Guess it's safe to say they don't like us being here. - No, I don't think they do.

- No, no, no. Don't any of you listen to that crackpot. He's a drunk.

We just need to get our show in the can and move on.

Now, wrap it up. We've got an early-morning call.

- I guess now isn't a good time to mention they found Miss Falls's body at the school?

There was another accident.

- Get the hell outta here.

- Crazy shit.

- What do I think about the amount of accidents in this town? Um...

I think it's a shame it happened to all the pretty people. I'm just kidding.

That's not even funny. It's inappropriate. Sorry.

- Did you hear this? Blanca Champion has gotten herself into...

- For the last time, I don't know where the damn camera stuff is.

It never arrived.

- Oh, will you just zip your piehole?

I can't call the network and tell them $30,000 worth of equipment is MIA!

- It is not okay to talk to me like that.

I did not sign on for this totally deceptive job and whatnot.

And why can't you just give the network the show they ordered?

It's a totally better show.

- Because... no one wants to watch a show about some wittle hockey team.

They'd much rather watch a show about a bloodthirsty convict out for revenge.

That is why.

- Can I ask you something? - What?

- Did you seduce me because you thought it would keep me quiet?

Because that was a total miscalculation.

- Well, I think that you're gonna keep quiet. You know why?

If you don't, I will cancel your plane ticket home,

I will drive you out into the woods and I will leave you there.

- You wouldn't do that to me.

- You can try me, then we can continue to play nice or not.

The choice is yours, Phoebe.

You're a real cooze.

And an awful boss.

- As long as these guys play Digger hockey and keep focused on the game,

there's not gonna be any stopping 'em.

Look, I only got two hours till the next game. I got things to do.

Come on!

- Hey, is the, uh... is the coach mic'd? I'm having trouble hearing him.

- No, he's not mic'd. We left his out at the crazy guy's shack, remember?

- We gotta have this guy mic'd before the playoff games.

- Then I suggest you send somebody out there to get it.

- Okay... I'm sending you.

- Yeah, I can do that. Except is there anybody else here that can wire a PA system,

that can run a play-by-play? It'll take me about 1.5 hours,

so it's a perfect amount of time for you to do it yourself.

- Okay, go rig your PA.

Hey, do me a favour. Um...

let's cut out this whole smug-asshole thing,

'cause it's really working my last nerve. Okay?

- Okay.

Sorry, boss.

Motherfucker. Nik.

- A production assistant on a show like this,

um... you're basically like a bus boy's assistant.

Well, does this suck ass? Mm-hmm.

Am I getting paid nearly enough to do it?

No fucking way.

Hmm.

Coach?

Hey, uh... I'm really sorry to bother you, but,

uh... we need to get that microphone back.

Hello?

[sighing] Don't be a puss. Ahem.

Look, uh... Coach, I'm just...

really wanted to apologize, uh, about earlier today.

Oh, shit!

What the fuck? What the fuck is it?

Ah!

[indistinct announcement]

- These days, it doesn't seem that Erin cares for Blanca too much.

Uh, I believe she called her a...

a cocaine-fuelled gutter slut.

- I need to talk to you.

- Excuse me! Get your hands off me, chunk!

- I weigh 110 pounds! That's not fat!

[scoffing] I have tried to be as nice as I know how.

That's over! I'm giving you this warning.

Stay away from Vance, or I'm going to get my cousins to go to your cabin

and have them hog-tie you and weigh you! Capisce?

- You know what? Screw this!

I don't need this bullshit, this fucking method-acting crap!

Hundred-and-ten pounds, my ass!

Listen up, you little pisher!

I don't give a shit if you're losing me, this is important!

It's the first time I've had reception since I've been out here.

You tell Seaton if he still wants me as a client,

he will get me on the next goddamn plane out of here, okay?!

Do you hear me? Hello?

Can you hear me now?

Fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck!!! [sighing]

- Thanks a lot, man. - Alright.

- When's Desperate the Sound Elf coming back?

I feel like an idiot. - Blanca.

- Alright, we got five minutes till game time. Is Nik back with that microphone?

- He's not and there's no way to reach him.

And Lee said if he doesn't get here in five, he's fired.

- Oh, that's a little harsh, huh? - And where's Mike? Mike!

- I'm right here. The PA system is rigged.

- Alright, good. Let's get ready to shoot.

[crowd cheering]

- Ah!

[announcer]: This season has been nothing short of a phenomenon!

[shouting]

Goal!

[buzzing] [crowd cheering]

The State Championship is just a bus ride away for the Gold Diggers.

- Any sign of Nik? - No. - That's so weird.

- Oh, hey, Coach. Great game tonight.

Hey, listen, can I ask you a favour?

- Favours aren't really my specialty.

[laughing] - That's funny.

I noticed you had a treadmill upstairs in the gym.

Would you mind if I grabbed a quick workout?

- You know, I like your dedication, boy.

More people should make fitness a priority.

We're clearing out, so...

just make sure to lock the doors when you leave.

- Thank you, sir. - Ahem.

- Oh, excuse me, Coach Stick-up-your-Ass,

do you think that I might massage your penis for a few minutes

so that I, too, might get a workout?

- Is it hard being such a douchebag all the time?

- Uh, no. No. I actually kinda like it.

- Loser.

[beep] Luke for Daphne.

[sighing]

- Go ahead, Luke.

- Was the Tahoe ever supposed to be used as a cast car?

- Not that I know of. Phoebe handled all the rentals. Why?

- It's just I found a lipstick camera rigged in the backseat.

And I didn't put any lipstick cameras on the equipment order,

and this is the second one I found.

I didn't know this show had that kind of surveil.

- I didn't think so, either. I'll ask.

- Copy that.

[heavy metal playing through headphones]

[wind whistling]

Hello? I'm still up here.

Ah, what the hell, man?

Hello?

[beeping]

I'm beginning to think this workout wasn't such a bright idea.

[banging]

[sighing]

Ahem. [sniffling]

Whew.

Oh! What the fuck? Who are you, man?

Ah!

[grunting]

Ah!

Ah! Fuck!

Ah! Ah!

[crying out]

Oh! [groaning]

[background chatter] [laughter]

- Have a lovely day.

[whispering]

- Hey, I meant to ask, did you guys

pre-rig the cars with cameras before we got up here?

- Can we please not talk about work for a second?

I need a break from this show and this town.

And um, mm, more liquor?

- Hey, any sign of Greg or Nik? - No. I thought they'd be here already.

- Yeah.

Hello! Hey, sugar puss.

Hi. See me standing here with moolah in my hand?

No? Yes?

Hi! Hello. How are you?

- Atta girl. - Looks like Miss Champion found herself another victim.

[gulping]

- Okay... to the superstar hockey player.

- Well, to the super-hot actress-slash-model.

- Okay. I've been called worse, but anyway.

Mm.

So, um...

I heard you were kind of close to that girl that died.

- Yeah, I guess, um...

I guess you could say this went from being the best year of my life

to the worst in, you know, a blink.

- I'm really sorry.

My dad died when I was 14,

and I thought I would never get over it.

[sighing] I mean, it doesn't go away, but... it gets easier.

- Promise?

- Yeah.

- Isn't he a little young for her? Is it still legal if it's a boy?

- I heard she slept with that PA who sued her, and then she got tired of him,

treated him like garbage until finally he had enough.

- See, that's how rumours get started. - You're saying it's not true?

- I think the press likes to paint Blanca as the bad girl,

and I think sometimes she feels obligated to live up to those expectations.

- I hate to be a buzz kill, but I'm calling it a night.

- Alright, do me a favour and just be careful, please?

- Okay.

[phone ringing] Hello?

- I'm so glad I got through. - Oh. Ha!

Oh, my God, I can't even begin to believe this.

I haven't had reception for days.

It's so good to hear your voice.

- Totally. I've been trying forever.

I was starting to get worried. How's it going?

- Oh, I need a margarita and a Palm Springs weekend like you wouldn't believe.

Cathy? [beeping]

Ah, dammit.

[turning up music]

Greg, are you okay?

You been out here long?

Freeze to death.

Greg?

You stoned again?

Oh, my God!

[screaming]

- What do you mean, she didn't come home?

- She wasn't in her bed when I woke up. I thought maybe she got lucky.

- With who, Blanca? We watched her leave alone.

I can't believe you didn't wake me up when you saw that.

- I thought maybe she hooked up with you.

I caught her checking my ass out a couple times. Get off my hump.

I told you as soon as I got up.

- Jake, Coach says you have to be on the ice in 10 minutes,

or you won't be allowed on at all.

Sorry.

- Where's the rest of your crew? - You know what, Lee? I'd like to know the same thing.

Something's really wrong here. Luke is never late.

- I don't feel so good. - Oh, Phoebe, pull it together.

- Fuck you, Lee. - What, again?

Jake, you've got five minutes. We don't have a show without this game.

- What do you want me to do? Three quarters of my crew is missing!

- Like I told the last guy, you're the director, figure it out.

- Sure thing. Bitch. - I'm sorry, what was that?

- You know what, Lee? I'm beginning to understand

why the first director only lasted a few days. Yeah.

Keir, can you mix audio?

- I can try. - Okay. Blanca, I'm gonna need you to hold the boom pole.

- Oh, my God, I'm so gonna fucking kill my acting coach.

- Hey, you know what?

You do not talk to me that way in front of the crew.

You finish out the day; after that, you're fired.

Ah!

- We just want to go on record here

that a bunch of our crew members are missing,

um, and Lee wants us to shoot anyway.

But as soon as this is over, we're gonna go find them.

- We need to comb this school and find that missing stuff.

You can't hide monitors that size in a suitcase.

You are the one who will go down for this.

- This isn't Bewitched, Lee. I can't just wiggle my nose

and make stuff appear and whatnot.

- Just try to keep an eye on things here if you can.

I'm gonna go get the rest of the crew.

One of those morons is getting promoted to director.

[sighing]

Go.

Gotcha.

Holy shit.

What the fuck?

Oh!

Because...

no one wants to watch a show about some wittle hockey team.

Oh, my God. Am I being punked?

I thought they'd cancelled this show. Ashton! [laughing]

- Oh! Ah!

No!

Ah! - What the fuck? - No!

No!

No! [exclaiming]

- Tell your camera guy I didn't appreciate him leaving the treadmill and the lights on.

- Sorry, Coach. That's not usually like him. - Ah.

The bus leaves tomorrow morning at 5:30 a.m. for Fargo.

It waits for no one.

Vance, come on, let's go.

- Blanca, help Keir grab some of the stuff.

- Why? - Could you just help us pack up the stuff, please?

- Jeez. Bitch.

And they say I'm difficult.

- Phoebe, should we wait for you?

- Oh, I gotta get the releases for tomorrow's game and stop by the Mini-Mart.

I'll meet you guys back at the crew cabin, okay?

- Alright. Be careful.

Luke? Nik?

- Um, guys? - Hello?

- Oh, phone's dead. Shocking! - It doesn't look like Luke slept in his bed last night.

- No, and you're right, 'cause Daphne's bed hasn't been slept in.

It doesn't make any sense. Where the hell's her truck?

- Oh! Oh, my God! - Oh!

- Fucking shit! [whimpering] Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God. - Don't touch it!

- Is that Mike's watch? - Oh, God! What is it holding?

- It's the fucking microphone we lost at the cabin. He must've went back to get it.

- Ew! Oh, my God, that fucking sick coach must've cut his hand off!

We gotta call the cops!

- Okay, guys, guys, guys. Calm down, calm down. Check your phones.

Do you have any signal? Keira, check your phone. Blanca.

- Oh! - Blanca, check your phone. - Over here. Clients love, love,

love to bitch about problems on locations.

You know, "My wardrobe sucks." "My trailer's not big enough."

Uh... "They're housing me in the woods." I try not to take those calls.

By the time I return them, they've usually worked it out themselves.

- No signal, nothing. I have nothing.

[Blanca exclaiming]

What's this?

What is that freaking mask? Who is this?

- Who cares? Somebody is out there who thinks it's okay

to chop people's hands off!

Oh, God.

- My God. That's Daphne. - What?

- I know that sign. That's out by Coach Hansen's cabin.

We gotta get out there.

Guys, we gotta go. She could still be alive. Come on.

Come on!

- I can't even begin to believe this.

- Hey! Why are we stopping here? - I'm gonna go check out this site.

I need you guys to stay here and try to get in touch with the cops, okay?

I saw an old C.B. radio in the principal's office.

Tell them to meet me by the Predator Roundup sign by Hansen's cabin.

- Oh, okay, so you're just gonna go hang with the fucking killer?

We gotta get back on the highway and keep driving!

I hate to break this to you guys, but that girl is probably dead.

- And what if she's not, Blanca? And what if Nik and Luke and Greg need our help too?

- How are we even gonna get in there? Here.

Take these. They gave them to me. Jake, I'm going with you.

- Wait, wait. I'm not going in there by myself.

- Well, alright, fine. You're coming with us, then.

- Both of those choices suck!

- Well, Blanca, please pick one!

- Ugh! Fine, I'll stay here, but I'm taking your dog, so you have to come back for me.

- We are gonna come back. Just go find that C.B. radio and get us some help.

And hey, hey, take this.

- Oh.

- Hello?

[whimpering]

- If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.

[doorbell ringing]

- Anyone here? [crying] - Coach?!

- Who's back there? [Phoebe whimpering] Is that you, Phoebe?

- Is that thing still out there? That thing with the mask? - Mask? Are you on drugs?

[panting] - We've gotta get out of here!

Run! Run!

- Just calm down. - Run! - Just a sec...

- Get in the car! Get in the car! Get in the car! Get in!

- This better not be some kind of hijinks for this television show.

- There was a guy in there, in a mask with an axe, and he tried to kill me!

- Kill you? You... you're talking like some kind of crazy--

[screaming] [gasping]

[whining]

- Hello? Hello? Is anybody there? This is an emergency.

[panting and crying]

- No. [sobbing]

[screaming]

- Anyone? Is anybody there? This is an emergency.

Anyone?

[barking]

Bongo! [sighing]

What are you barking at?

[crying out]

[gasping]

- Daphne?!

- Daphne!

What the fuck is that? [screaming]

- What?

Holy shit.

- Okay. Let's get outta here.

Ah! Ow!

- Fuck! Jake. Fuck! I got it. I got it.

- Shit! - I got it. I got it. [Jake groaning]

- Keir, we're not gonna be able to open this thing.

- Bongo! Where are you going?!

God!

Bongo!

- I'm gonna go. [grunting] I'm gonna get help.

Gonna get help and be right back, okay? I promise.

- Okay. Okay. - I promise I'll be right back. Okay?

[grunting] - Fuck!

Fuck! [panting]

- Holy shit!

- Blanca?

- My God, what are you... what are you doing down here?

How long have you been down here for?

- I snuck in when that mean lady came down here,

and then it came in. - What do you mean, "it" came in? It who?

- He's been watching you through those cameras.

He's been watching that.

- Oh, my God.

[music playing]

♪ I love you so much

♪ That I could eat your face

[screaming]

♪ I love you so much that I could... ♪

[groaning]

- Ah!

[roaring] [screaming]

♪ I love you so much... - You saw him do this to her?

♪ Well I hope you love me

[screaming] Okay. We're gonna go. Come on, I'm gonna get us out of here.

- This way's the quickest.

[Connor gagging]

[Connor whimpering] - Oh, my God! [exclaiming softly]

[whining]

Oh, God.

[sniffling]

We gotta go. Come on.

Okay, okay, come here. Listen to me. I want you to stay right here.

I'm gonna get us out of here. I have to get these keys. I promise I'll come right back.

Okay? [Connor sniffling]

[beeping]

Shit!

- Blanca! - Listen to me, I'm stuck. Listen. I need you to run!

Start running as fast as you can until you find somebody that you trust, okay?

And tell them we need help. Tell them that Jake and Keir

are at Coach Hansen's cabin and they need help.

I promise I will find you! Just go!

Go!

Oh, my God.

- Blanca?

[whimpering] Blanca?

[barking]

[squealing]

[man]: Ah! [screaming, then grunting]

- Who the fuck are you?!

- Ah! Ah!

- Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, shit. Oh, my God.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Get off of me! [exclaiming]

Mike? The fucking sound guy? Oh, my God. [indistinct chatter]

[screaming] - Hey, hey, hey, stop, stop, stop, stop!

If you'd just listen to me. If you just listen to me,

you'll love me as much as I love you.

Don't you realize that I've done this all for us? For you?

[whimpering] I'm the only one that really cares about you.

- Did you care about the people in the video?

- They were gonna tell. That girl told that cheerleader bitch.

They found our room. You can understand, right?

I'd already started. I couldn't stop it.

- Get your fucking hands off her.

- Ah!

- I went through all this trouble to make the fucking show for you,

you're gonna watch it with me!

- I've already seen it. It's a piece of shit!

- You said you wanted the opportunity to be taken seriously as an actor,

and I gave you that opportunity!

Because, believe me, people are gonna take you seriously now!

You look really fucking scared! Really--

- No! [gunshot]

- Oh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Blanca crying]

- Vance, for some reason, had some sort of a, uh,

bottle-opener/beartrap opener on his keychain.

[background chatter]

- You're gonna be alright. Just sit tight.

[sighing] - Hey. - Hi.

- How you feeling?

- Oh, this has pretty much been the worst job I've ever had.

How's your leg? - Ah, it hurts, but, uh, I'll be fine.

Vance and Connor found me. Got Blanca to thank for that.

- Mm.

How is she holding up?

- Ah, as well as could be expected.

Imagine what the press is gonna do with this thing.

- Mm. And what about Mike?

- Mike's description matches a police report

of a recently escaped mental patient.

So who knows what to believe?

Hold on a second.

- Wait. What is that?

- It's a bulletproof vest.

- Is it worth it? - What?

- Being so famous?

[screaming]

[panting]

♪ It's a killer day to be alive ♪

♪ It's a killer day to be alive ♪

♪ It's a killer day to be alive ♪

♪ It's a killer day to be alive ♪

[screaming]

♪ Everybody's looking But nobody knows ♪

♪ Why I got blood on my clothes ♪

♪ But I feel good and it shows ♪

♪ Sun's out guns out That's the way I like ♪

♪ Run now run now Got you in my sights ♪

♪ It's a killer day to be alive ♪

♪ It's a killer day to be alive ♪

- What do I think of what actually happened in... in White Plains?

My God, I thought it was tragic. It was... it was... just tragic.

And on the other hand, it was some of my client's best work, you know, but...

what are you gonna do? And what can you do?

We did send flowers.

Not just to Blanca. We sent them to the families of the dead people, too.

- You know, I always knew that sound guy was creepy.

I mean, it doesn't take that much time to hook a microphone to a bra strap.

I was trying to be professional, but there's a limit.

- Uh, I think he should've just written a letter.

I think that would've been... I think that would've been fine.

I think that would've sort of gotten the point across.

- Do I think Blanca was surprised when she won the Emmy?

I think she was totally surprised, yeah, absolutely. I wasn't. Fuck, no.

God, I saw the dailies, and the network knew it.

I mean, she hit it out of the park.

Uh, and thank God that crazy sound guy

left the security cameras rolling because that... Emmy really drove up her quota.

I mean, I'm getting five million bucks for her to do Hush Hush 2.

- I've been opening bear traps since I was a kid,

so it really wasn't that big of a deal.

- Did I... did I get the message from Jake about finding the hand in the refrigerator?

Yeah. Well, I was trying to listen to it,

but I was getting on a plane at LAX,

and Hillary Clinton and the fucking Secret Service

had taken over the Lieutenants' Club, so I was out with the masses,

and it's just ear-splitting in that terminal.

I don't know how you people do it.

- Affiliated, uh...

has hired me to direct Hush Hush Part 2,

which we all know is Blanca Champion's next film.

- Can we wrap this thing up? 'Cause I gotta take Montana Moorehead

to the Daisy Awards tonight and I never keep a client waiting, so...

[rock music]

♪ So you want to live forever

♪ Like the King

♪ Here's something to remember

♪ Doesn't matter how you leave this world ♪

♪ It's how you bleed

♪ 'Cause it's over

♪ When it's over

♪ All that's left...

♪ So wrap me up in velvet

♪ Velvet baby

♪ I wanna live forever

♪ I wanna be immortal like ♪

♪ Velvet baby

♪ When you're trying hard to capture ♪

♪ A little bit

♪ Of immortality

[rock music]

♪ 'Cause it's over when it's over ♪

♪ All that's left...

♪ So wrap me up in velvet

♪ Velvet baby

♪ I wanna live forever

♪ I wanna be immortal like ♪

♪ Velvet baby

♪ Velvet baby

♪ I wanna be

[rock music]

♪ I wanna be like Elvis

♪ Wrap me up in velvet

♪ Velvet baby

♪ I wanna live forever

♪ I wanna be immortal like

♪ Velvet baby

Subtitling: difuze