Original subtitles

(energetic music)

(upbeat music)

♪ I saw you coming from a mile away ♪

♪ I asked you out, it was a suicide play ♪

♪ Now I'm obsessed without a get next to you ♪

♪ You keep me guessing and I don't have a clue ♪

♪ So this is love ♪

♪ And it feels beautiful to me ♪

♪ And this is love ♪

♪ To know you're in the world with me ♪

♪ So this is love ♪

♪ And if it's not ♪

♪ It's close enough for me ♪

♪ My head is aching, I can't get enough air ♪

♪ My hands are shaking and I'm stuck in my chair ♪

♪ I don't know much but one thing I guarantee ♪

♪ Nothing else matters when you're smiling at me ♪

♪ So this is love ♪

♪ And if it's not ♪

♪ It's close enough for me ♪

(phone ringing)

- Skyline Advertising. One moment.

(colleagues chatting)

- People, Mr. Jackson came to us

because he expects the best.

I've assembled a talented young creative team

for you here, sir.

This is Lindsay Culver. She'll be helping produce your spot.

- Lindsay. I knew a man named Lindsay once.

- Well, it's nice to meet you too, sir.

- This is Daniel Roenick and Troy Riley,

our two very best writers.

- Yes, actually, actually, I'd like to start off by-

- That's enough. These three, they'll do.

You make me happy

and I will see that your company gets my entire broadcast

and print campaign for years to come.

All will prosper.

- Excellent. - But you screw it up

and I will make it my business to ruin your lives.

All will suffer. It is that simple. All right, listen up.

I just bought a resort up in the mountains, Big Bear.

Romantic getaways, outdoor activities, all that kinda shit.

And I need a spot

that's gonna make people come up there in a big way.

- [George] Now I want you to go up to Big Bear

and get yourselves inspired.

♪ So this is love ♪

♪ And it feels beautiful to me ♪

- [Daniel] Isn't marketing supposed to be an office job?

- [Lindsay] We're gonna round the corner.

- [Daniel] Whoa, whoa, whoa. I gotta get on that?

- Loosen up. If you think you're gonna fall, just yell.

I'll stop chair, okay? - Okay.

- [Lindsay] Whoo. You got it.

Whoa. Okay. Ready?

- What?

- Once you sit down, it's really easy. Hey. Whoa. Okay.

- Whoo, whoo.

- Smooth. - Okay.

- Very smooth.

- Thank you. Can we put this down?

- [Lindsay] Are you sure you don't wanna take

that class first, Danny? - No, I'm a natural athlete.

Besides, it looks pretty simple.

- [Lindsay] Oh. - [Skier] Watch out, buddy.

- Am I gonna need that?

Hey, can I ask you a question? Would this line work on you?

That's a nice dress. It would look great on my floor.

- Oh. Only if I was already like madly in love with the guy.

Otherwise, I think I'd hurt him.

Look, I know you were with Vanessa for what, like,

11 years, and she left you at the altar.

- Whoa. Hey. Whoa. It was not the altar. Okay?

It was the rehearsal dinner.

- Okay, the point is, you need to start dating again.

- Again? I never dated. I wouldn't know what to say.

Hell, I wouldn't know what to do.

- Well, what did you do with Vanessa?

- You know what? I was 12 years old.

I pelted her with snowballs and I stole her lunchbox.

- Why, you were quite the little charmer, weren't you?

- What about you? How was your big date the other night?

Brian, was it?

- Mm-mm. Brian did not pass the third test.

- The third test. He doesn't want kids.

And I thought he was gonna at least make it to test 12.

Isn't that where you figure out whether

he knows the importance of fabric softener?

- Don't you be making fun of me until you have been through

as many broken hearts as I have.

- Ow. Ow. O-okay. Okay. - What are you up to now?

What is it? Oh, right. Oh, yeah. One.

- Thank you. (upbeat music)

- Hey. Danny, Linds.

- Boys. What kept you?

- Well, actually, several snow bunnies

wanted to pinch a cute ass.

Troy's, of course.

- Um, one actually wants to board down with me.

Is, is that cool?

- Sure. Me and Packer'll take Danny.

- Well, actually, you know, I was, uh,

hoping to take one of the more challenging runs.

- Fine. I'll take him. You catch on quick, right?

Slow down. (upbeat music)

- [Daniel] How exactly do I slow down? Whoa.

Oh. Oh, get outta the way.

(children yelling)

- [Child] Let go of my arm.

♪ 1, 2, 3 ♪ (upbeat music)

- Coming through.

- [Packer] What are you doing? - Get off.

- [Packer] You came into me.

Oh, my God. Trees, trees. Hold on.

- [Jamie] Jerk. (both screaming)

Pervert. (Packer screaming)

- What did that sign just say?

(both screaming)

(soft upbeat music)

- So how'd you guys make out?

- I was assaulted by a pack of children.

- I knew you liked skiing.

- So what happened to your snow bunny?

- We had sex in the woods. Then she ditched me.

Story of my life.

See, I think I am naturally attracted

to women that are all wrong for me.

I have nothing in common with my penis.

- At least you get a lot of sex.

- Yeah, but I want more than that.

Women treat me like a walking vibrator.

If, if I get a woman to stay for breakfast,

that's a long-term relationship.

I'm turning into a chick.

- At least you get a lot of sex.

(wind blowing) (magical music)

Uh, Packer. Hey.

- Hey. - Where you been?

- Hey, guys, this is Jamie.

- Hi. - These are my friends.

Our skis got caught and we veered off into a crevice.

We were trapped for hours until they found us.

- I was so scared. He was wonderful.

- Oh, whoa. You and you?

Okay, that is unbelievable.

- Yeah, well, I mean, intense situations

can really set off sparks.

I'm in love. - [Both] Congratulations.

(slow upbeat music)

- Um, hey, so, guys, I'm gonna, um, I got some, uh...

Bye.

- Hey, that girl over there, she's staring at you.

- [Daniel] I got food on my face?

- I'll got drinks. - No.

When somebody stares at you, it means that they like you

and think you're cute.

Why don't you go talk to her?

- I wouldn't know what to said.

- Just compliment her blouse or something.

- Yeah. Yeah. Go on. Go talk to her.

Go on. Yeah, go. - No. No, I don't think so.

- Go on. Go! - Okay. Jesus.

Her blouse. Okay.

- That woman really look at him?

- Uh-uh.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Is that a blouses you're wearing?

- Uh, yeah.

- It's got buttons. I mean...

- Yeah, that's a really keen observation.

- The buttons are, are, uh, they're whitish blue, uh,

sort of a see through color. - Are you a retard?

- Well, I wasn't till I came over here.

- Yeah. Excuse me. - [Daniel] Sorry.

(slow upbeat music)

(magical music)

- Oh. Oh.

Uh. Oh. (laughs) (Vicky laughing)

- Good morning, Vicky. - Good morning.

- Time for a little fun?

- Actually, I was, um, I was, I was thinking

that we should, you know,

we should get up and we should go out

and get some coffee and get to know each other.

- Listen, I'm blanking on your name.

- Troy.

- Troy, right. I actually have to run.

Oh, and you know, really sorry about laughing at you

when you asked me if we could cuddle.

Where's my other shoe? Pretty sure I had two.

- Will, um, will I get to see you again?

- No.

- But, but, but I, I'd be a really, a really good boyfriend.

- [Vicky] I bet I can still catch yoga.

- I, I like seafood.

- [Vicky] Wonder when the next bus is coming?

- I have two brothers and a sister.

Uh, my parents, they live in New Hampshire.

Uh, people say I'm a good listener.

(upbeat music) (telephones ringing)

- [Receptionist] Skyline Advertising.

Mm-hm. I'll go find him. - [Troy] I feel so used.

- Honey, Vicky was a ski tramp. Okay?

Oh. There he is.

- Come on. He's just an office crush.

- You don't understand.

Yesterday I found out he has a good relationship

with his parents.

(growls)

He just passes all the tests.

(both laughing)

- So what are you waiting for? - I don't know.

I've suggested we go out,

but he just doesn't seem to be getting the hint.

I think he thinks I'm a bitch. Everybody thinks I'm a bitch.

- Only till they get to know you. I mean, no, they don't.

- It's just, I don't know.

I finally find a guy and it's perfect for,

and I don't know how to get to him.

- I may know a way how. Same way that Packer got to Jamie.

A crisis, a little extreme date.

- Yeah?

- Say, being locked in the storage closet.

- Oh, I like it.

- I think, yeah. Here we go. It was hiding up here.

I knew it had to be in here somewhere.

Dairy Queen promo, version number three.

- Thank you. - [Sean] Okay.

(door rattles)

It's locked.

- Oh. Oh, no. God, no one ever comes down here.

(fists banging) Hey. Hello.

- You know, we could be in here all night.

- No, we won't be. Hand me that pen. Yeah.

- Okay.

You know what?

I think I can think of a better use

of our time here together.

(screams) - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- [Lindsay] Dammit.

- Look. Just, just gimme five minutes. Okay.

I can pick the lock. I saw this on "MacGyver" once.

- Okay. Listen, Sean, please.

- Okay, ow. Ow. - Please, please.

Am I really that intimidating, huh? Come on.

Oh, sorry. (laughs) - Yeah.

- Listen, you know, I just, I just think you're a great guy

and I mean, would it kill you

to get to know me a little better?

I'm really not the bitch everyone thinks I am.

Unless, unless you're into that, which is cool.

- Well, you know, the thing is, um,

I'm normally into only freakishly tall women

and also women who get me out of locked storage closets.

- Ah. Good. Okay.

Ah, air vent. (laughs)

- Uh, the air vent? - Here, just help me up.

- Just really don't think this is such a good idea.

Ow. Ah! You hit me in the eye.

- [Lindsay] Oh, sorry. - [Sean] No. No.

(shelf crashes) - Whoa. Ooh.

- [Sean] Ow. Ow, my neck. Ow.

- Uh, so what time you wanna pick me up?

- Okay. Tell Mr. Leonard that I have his file

and I'm going to messenger it over after lunch

if that's okay.

Yes. (Lindsay clears throat)

Uh, can I call you back?

All right, call me after lunch. Okay, bye.

- Okay, ow. - What happened?

- Oh, God.

- Hey, what, is that ink on your ass?

- Troy locked me in the closet with Sean.

You know, the forest situation

was supposed to help us fall in love,

like with Pack and Jamie.

Well, long story short, I put him in the hospital.

- Okay, well, that would explain sirens.

- I finally find a guy worth putting my heart out there for,

and I cripple him.

He'll never love me now.

You can't love someone who maims you. Okay?

It hurts. - Ow, ow.

- It hurts. Ow. - I'm sorry, Linds.

- That's it, you know. I'm just done with love.

It's just not worth it.

I would just so rather be alone than deal with this crap.

Never, ever, ever, ever again.

- What if you're already in love with someone

that's your friend?

- You think I'm in love with Troy?

- No.

- No, you know what? Forget me. I'm finished.

But we could still save you.

- Save me?

- Troy was right about one thing.

I mean, extreme dating. It's the way to go.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - No, it would've worked.

- [Daniel] What are you getting at?

- You're not getting anywhere

with that girl you are like in accounting.

What was her name, Tracy?

Well, now you don't have to worry about asking her out.

We'll just, we'll just give you an extreme date.

- Okay, I don't, I don't think that's such a good idea.

- Come on. Tomorrow's payday.

So she'll be here late tonight.

What if I, I trap you two in the elevator?

- No. Absolutely not. - Come on.

It'll be good for you. And I totally know how to do it.

- No, Linds. Absolutely not.

I will handle my own floundering love life by myself. Okay?

- Okay. - [Daniel] No.

(water trickling) - Ooh.

- Hey, Daniel. - Hey, Tracy.

(elevator chimes) (calm music)

(elevator rattles) (alarm rings)

- No.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I can't believe this.

Oh, this is great. I gotta get home.

- I'm going to kill somebody.

- Somebody's in the building still. Right?

- I'm sure of it. (hand banging on door)

- Hello? Somebody help us. (hand banging on door)

God.

- Hello.

- Are you sure this is a good idea?

- Oh, he will so thank us for this.

- Yeah, he will. Huh? (both laughing)

- I walk up to him and I say,

"I will take the job, Mr. Thurman,

if you can name all the original members of Duran Duran."

- Oh, my God.

- [Daniel] And you know what? He did.

- Really? - Yeah.

What about you? What's your story?

- Oh, nothing. I, I was, I was freelance for a while. Yeah.

And, um, you know, I'm actually kinda glad this happened.

You, you seem really cool.

Are you okay?

- Oh, no. I'm sorry. That was rude. Uh...

You were saying, freelancing.

- Oh, yeah.

So, um, so then I got a job at Cats and Bartham, which...

What's the matter?

- I have to pee. - Oh.

(pounding on door) - More pounding.

- [Daniel] Someone please get outta here. Hey.

Right now. I really mean it.

I don't wanna be stuck here anymore.

You hear me out there?

- He's just playing it up. - [Daniel] Hello?

- Making the situation seem desperate.

- He's good

- Help. Oh, God. This is a disaster.

I drank, like, half the water cooler today.

- Help. - Help.

For the love of God, let me out.

Oh. Oh. Okay. Okay.

All right.

(fists thud) (Daniel groans)

Listen. I'm sorry. I really am. I have to go.

- No, no, no. Don't you dare.

- I've got to. - Oh, God. Help.

Help, please. Help! Oh, geez. (dramatic music)

(Daniel groans) (soft upbeat music)

- So you just pissed on her then?

(friends laughing)

- Yeah. Some chicks just, uh, ain't into that.

(friends laughing)

- Sweetie, don't worry about it.

Listen, if it was true love,

then she coulda stood a little urine.

- Okay. Packer.

- Okay, guys. Listen, we're, uh...

We gotta run. We're gonna go and, uh...

We're gonna, okay, we're, we're just gonna go have sex.

Okay? Sorry. That's hot, huh?

- I think I'm, I'm gonna go.

Jerry Springer has midget lesbians on tonight.

See you guys tomorrow at work. Goodnight.

- All right. So come on. I'll, I'll put you to bed.

- No, I'm okay. (phone rings)

Excuse me.

Hello? Hello, Vanessa.

No, it's not that I don't wanna be friends.

No, can I explain? Can I just explain for a second?

Just, just hold on.

Yes, I'll always have a special place in my heart for you.

Yes, but you know what? Listen, I, I gotta go. Bye, Vanessa.

Sorry. I'm getting another drink. You want one?

- [Lindsay] Sure.

- And, Linds, I don't wanna talk about it.

Let's talk about your problems for a while, huh? Please.

- Okay. What's my problem?

- You wanna know why you're still single?

Because you believe in nothing less than the best.

You believe in fairytales and happily ever after.

But someone as smart and as beautiful

and as sexy as you should be with someone

that believes in the same thing, you know?

- Yeah. Someone more like you?

♪ And it's just me against the world ♪

♪ Against the gold, against the girl ♪

♪ And it's just me against the world ♪

(upbeat music) (bra smacks)

- [Lindsay] Ow! - [Daniel] Sorry, sorry.

(upbeat music continues)

- [Lindsay] Okay.

(both yelling)

Are you, are you okay?

- [Daniel] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

- I think I know how to fix that.

What do you think? - Ow! I think it's broken.

- God. Forget the damn toe. Ow!

(Daniel groans)

(music slows)

- Oh, Danny. Oh. Oh, are you okay?

God.

Why do all the men in my life keep ending up like this?

- Oh, my head hurts. So does my toe.

What did you do, beat me up?

- No. We almost had sex.

Instead, you got hurt.

- That's typical.

- Yeah. No kidding.

(Daniel groans) Look.

We, we were both drunk

and I was feeling bad for you.

So, you know, it woulda just been a big mistake,

- Right.

- I, I mean, we don't wanna screw up this friendship, right?

- Yeah. And, uh, sex would do that.

- Hey, I, I need a ride to work.

- [Daniel] Well, we're stopping to get coffee first.

(soft upbeat music) - [Customer] Good morning.

- Here you go, Marge.

- [Marge] Thank you. - Okay.

- [Hack] Li-Lilac. You bought lilac paint?

- [AJ] They were all outta lavender.

- Hey, Joe. - [Joe] Hey.

- Isn't it illegal to force customers to endure paint fumes?

- It's not illegal in California.

- What's your problem?

- Whoa, guys. Hey, I was just joking.

Don't bench press me, all right?

- What? - Hack, leave him alone.

How you doing, Danny?

- Like your new painters. Swell.

- AJ. - [AJ] Hm?

- What are you doing? - [AJ] Making a mural.

- Uh, usual, right? - Actually, um, two.

- Ooh. - Don't say anything

'cause it's not like that. - Why are you doing that?

We're gonna have to repaint the whole thing.

- You know, you never let me explore my artistic side.

Come on. - Okay.

Fine. We're gonna paint a frigging mural.

♪ Gonna look up and smile ♪

- We are always here for you, sir.

Who do you call if you have an idea at 4:00 AM? Daniel.

Oh, hey, um, lunch today.

- An invitation. How formal.

- No, I don't have a, a home fax, Mr. Jackson.

- He sent me 25 emails.

- Why is my voicemail full at 9:03 in the morning?

(upbeat music)

- [Troy] So I've been thinking, and, well,

I wanna give this extreme dating thing a try.

- It doesn't really seem to work well, Troy?

Or haven't you noticed?

- I noticed. The elevator still smells like pee.

- Hey. - It'll work for me.

I won't screw it up like you two.

- Bite me.

- Weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday?

- No. Shut up.

- Those are the same clothes. Did you two...

- Hey. Okay, we're gonna hook you up on an extreme date.

- Okay.

- Who is it? Is it the receptionist?

- No. No.

There's this unbelievably nice girl

I see at the bank every week.

I go on Fridays around lunchtime. I almost always see her.

- What's her name? - I don't know.

I mean, she's sweet and genuine and honest.

I have no experience with that.

That's where the plan comes in.

- Well, I do have a theory

on one important element of extreme dating.

- Hmm. Do tell.

- Okay. There needs to be fear. Right?

A real sense of danger. Like Packer and Jamie.

I mean, ours were more inconvenience.

You know what I'm saying? - Danger. Okay. Like what?

- Okay, hear me out.

What if we were to kidnap you guys,

like, for six or seven hours?

- Ooh, that is messed up. I like it.

- What if she really just freaks out?

- Okay. We're not really gonna threaten her. All right?

Where she'll just be a little bit scared.

I mean, it's a prank. Fraternities do it all the time.

- So what, uh, you and me kidnap 'em?

- We're not threatening enough. Well, at least I'm not.

But I know someone that is. (upbeat music)

All right, just stick to the plan.

I got two guys taking you up to a cabin I arranged

in Big Bear, all right?

Then it's all up to you. Troy, make it look good, okay?

All right? - All right.

- [Daniel] Okay.

- [Troy] There she is.

- All right. So just wait till she comes out. You ready?

- I've been ready my whole life.

(Daniel growls)

- This is so romantic. - Yeah.

- In a sick, twisted kinda way, you know.

- All right, hold onto your D 'cause here we go.

- Signal now. - [Daniel] Okay.

(meows) (barks)

- [Hack] Okay, come on. Here we go.

- Where did you find these guys again?

- Painters. I gave each a hundred dollars to go with it.

By the way, you owe me a hundred dollars.

- Yeah, how about half a pretzel?

- Thanks.

- Excuse me. Hi.

Uh, do you know where the West Side Dog Shelter is?

- Sure. It's right around the corner on Belmont.

I volunteer there twice a week.

I have a soft spot for animals. (gasps)

(upbeat music)

(Amy screaming)

- Quick. Create a diversion.

Do something. Think, think, think.

- Help. This pervert (indistinct).

(people screaming) (upbeat music continues)

Pervert.

(Amy screaming)

(indistinct)

Help!

- Okay. Okay. You can stop.

- There a problem here?

- She didn't beat me up too bad. I'm fine. Thanks, guys.

Really, it's okay.

- You want us to pound this guy for you?

- Linds, tell him. Linds.

- Nah. Thanks anyway.

- Thanks, guys. Doing a great job. Thank you.

- I need, I need a push. Need a push.

- Oh, for the love of God.

(upbeat music continues)

- Ow. (upbeat music continues)

- Well, I think that went pretty well.

- [Daniel's Mom] Hi, honey. It's your mother.

Um, listen, that rash you described

really doesn't sound like jock itch.

Maybe you should get it checked out.

Call us later. Love you.

(dial tone ringing)

- It was a spider bite.

- [AJ] Hey, it's AJ and Hack. There's been a change of plan.

Your friends here, we want, what do we want?

- [Hack] 25.

- [AJ] 25 grand a piece or we ain't letting 'em go, ever.

I suggest you take this seriously and don't get any ideas

'cause I think the cops would be real interested

in your involvement anyway.

When you have the money, you leave a message on my pager.

We'll give you instructions for the exchange.

- Oh, shit. - The painters?

- Come on. Come on. (upbeat music)

- Oh, hey, Danny. What are you doing here?

- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah, sure.

- Okay. Um, where did you get those painters?

Joe? - Okay. You need to tell us.

All right? We really need to know.

- Please.

- Oh, they're ex-cons trying to make a fresh start.

(suspenseful music)

But, hey, everybody deserves a second chance, right?

Plus, they work cheap under the table.

- What exactly did they do?

- Uh, burglary, assault.

Think they stole a car or something.

But, hey, I had no problems with them.

And, look, they did a solid job with the walls, eh?

- [Daniel] Oh, no.

- I keep telling you, Danny,

don't hold the past against them.

They're just trying to change their lives around, you know.

- Uh-huh. (suspenseful music)

- Did something happen?

- No. No. We gotta go. See you later, Joe.

- We have to go to the police. Uh, uh, uh, explain things.

- Explain what, huh?

That we just hired two convicted felons

to do a harmless little kidnapping job,

and things aren't going our way?

- We are totally screwed.

"Eh, fraternities do it all the time. It's a prank."

Listen to me.

If I get arrested for this, I'm gonna rip your balls off.

- Okay. Think. Think, think, think, think.

Think, think, think, think, think.

There has to be a way out of it.

- Right. Where, where were they supposed to take them?

- Oh, a cabin up in Jackson's resort up in Big Bear.

Yeah, I got a free room

because I told 'em we were on a location scout,

you know, for the shoot.

- What, what were you thinking?

- What? - What if Jackson goes there?

- Oh. - He's a micromanager.

And, you know, he doesn't exactly have

the best sense of humor.

Oh, you're gonna get me fired.

- Okay. Well, they, they probably wouldn't go there anyways.

You know? They'd expect us to look for them there, you know?

- Well, we have to check it anyway.

- Hey, Linds. It's pointless. They're not gonna go there.

And even if they did- (banging on door)

(Lindsay screams) (suspenseful music)

- Daniel Roenick. - [Daniel] Yeah?

- I'm Detective Branson.

This is Detective Rawlings. Can we come in?

- Holy shit. - Excuse me?

- Please, come in.

- There you go. Is this your lovely wife?

- Oh, no, uh, uh, we're friends. Lindsay.

- Lindsay. Oh, I like those shoes.

- [Lindsay] Ooh. Oh, thanks. Uh, they were on sale.

- Well, we're investigating a possible abduction

that took place outside State Federal earlier today.

You were there, right?

- How'd you...

- A video on one of the ATMs

picked up part of the incident,

which involved whoever it is you were talking, your friend.

- Yeah, it was Troy. - Troy.

- Last name? - Riley. Troy Riley.

It's R-I-L, is it, is it double L or is it one?

It's one L. R-I-L-E-Y. Riley.

- So now tell me, um, have you seen Troy since the bank?

- Actually, he was here half an hour ago.

- He was? - Yeah.

- Mm-hm.

- But his timing was really bad.

- Really bad. - We were having sex.

- But I thought you said you two were just friends.

- Friends who have sex.

- Well, I guess we jumped the gun on this one, didn't we?

Well, slow crime day.

Well, we'll be see-

Oh, say, listen.

You wouldn't happen to have Troy's number, would you?

I would love to give him a call

and just ask him about this.

- You know, I do.

But the thing is, he went away for two weeks.

He went snake fishing.

- Huh. Well, still in all, I would love to have that number.

- Okay. - Great.

Now, question.

California penal code 148A,

obstruction of justice.

Is that one year state prison?

- County. - County.

- Bring in kidnapping, then you go state.

- Oh, you are so good at that legal trivia, aren't you?

Yeah. Oh, is that it? Thank you so much.

Now, you two have a nice weekend.

Here. Let's see. Will they? Yeah. Oh. Well.

(whimsical music)

- Okay, we check the cabin. - Yeah.

(upbeat music)

- Hey, mate.

- Packer, where have you been?

- Uh, just antique hunting. Oh, and look what I found.

A ball from 1998.

- [Lindsay] Come on. We need you.

- Can't I shower first?

- [Lindsay] No. Get in the car.

- [Packer] Where are we going?

I'm supposed to meet Jamie in an hour. Hey.

- [Lindsay] Silence.

- You know this is against to my will, right?

Kidnapping is a serious offense.

So lemme just get this straight.

You paid 200 bucks to have Troy

and some strange woman kidnapped by two criminals

who now want, wait for it, $50,000.

- Oh, good. You are listening.

- Okay. Well, listen, this is silly, okay?

Because they're not gonna be in the one place

that you told 'em to go.

There'd have to be America's dumbest criminals.

A show which is very popular in Britain, I might add.

- Hey, you know what, Packer? Listen.

If you have a better place to look, you know what?

I'm all ears. But until then, could you just, you know?

- You know, I'm fast becoming a, a great, great fan

of your extreme dating thing.

So much better than a dinner and a movie.

- Finally. Were the gags really necessary?

- Shut up or it goes back in. Right?

(hand smacks)

- Look, look, don't worry, I'm gonna get us outta this.

- Who are they? What do they want?

- I don't know. I'm Troy.

- Amy.

- Oh, it's-(whimsical music)

- You're free.

- Um, yeah.

- Hurry.

(calm music) - Hey, Hack.

You ever notice how the flames,

they move eternally in an effortless dance of light?

- Of course.

- Undo me.

- Okay. Okay. Don't worry. I, I've got a better idea.

- What? (slow suspenseful music)

- Amateurs.

Guys, guys. What are you, what are you doing?

Can't you tie a decent knot? Almost ruined the whole thing.

And you know what?

That slap on the head, that really hurt, pal.

I mean, it's okay.

If anything,

I think you could be a little more intimidating.

I don't think she's that scared.

- Okay. I think we can try a little harder.

- It's going good though, huh? Her name's Amy.

Ah, that, that, that's, that's pretty tight.

- What happened? Why did you go out there?

We could've gone out through the window.

- I thought that I could take 'em out. Be a hero.

'Cause I'm a black belt.

I'm trained in taekwon-Miyagi.

♪ I'm cool then ♪ (upbeat music)

♪ Somebody stop me from moving ♪

♪ Somebody stop me, somebody stop me, I'm grooving ♪

♪ I'm trying to count without moving ♪

- So which cabin is it?

- I don't know. It's either 12 or 21.

I don't, I don't remember.

- Why don't you just ask the guy at the lodge?

I don't wanna freeze to death bumbling around in the dark.

- We'll go to the lodge.

♪ I'm trying make out but I'm moving ♪

♪ Somebody stop me ♪ (music stops)

- Hello. - Evening. I'm Walter.

What can I do for you folks?

- Actually, we're here to visit a friend.

Last name Roenick.

- Uh, let see. - Have they checked in yet?

- I'll let you know right now.

- Okay.

- That cabin is occupied.

- Great. Are they in room 12 or 21?

- Sorry, I can't give out the number.

I can call and announce that you're here.

- Actually, you know what, the thing is,

it's, it's kinda gotta be a surprise.

- I'd really like to help, but rules are rules.

- Oh, you and your damn rules.

No pets, no smoking, and no oral sex.

- Oh, my God. - Listen, Walter.

This is really important.

Can't you please just make an exception? Please?

- Oh, come on. You can help us.

I mean, do we look like we're gonna cause a problem?

- Did my wife look like she was about to cause a problem?

I'm sorry. - Look.

We're associates of Marshall Jackson, the owner.

- And you would be? Sorry.

- Yeah, all right. Look, old man.

You tell me where our friends are.

You better spill your guts or so help me.

- Okay. Sorry. She hasn't taken her pills yet.

- This isn't over yet. All right?

Not even close. - Good evening.

- [Lindsay] Wally boy.

Right down now!

- [Daniel] Okay. Okay. All right.

- That went well.

- Just gimme five minutes with him and he'll talk.

- Shh, shh. Okay. Listen. Either they're in 12 or 21. Okay?

I just say we check both of them.

- Okay. Well, I'll take Rambo and check 12.

You go and check 21.

- Fine.

- AJ. Hey, AJ.

- Does this look orange enough to you?

- Come on. I need you to focus. All right.

Go check the girl. Make sure she's secure.

The last thing we need is her getting loose.

(wood creaking)

- What was that?

- What was what? - I heard a noise outside.

- It's probably just a bear, wolf.

They've got that stuff out here.

- A bear? I got fruit roll-ups in the car.

- Hey. What did I just say?

Focus. Focus.

(soft upbeat music)

(wood clanking) (window shatters)

(Packer groans) - [Packer] Oh, not good.

- It's glass. I thought only birds were that stupid.

- Hi. Uh, terribly sorry. It seems I slipped.

- Who the hell are you? And this better be good.

- Punk ass thief, that's what,

or maybe you're peeping Tom. - No, no, no.

I'm, I'm neither. I assure you.

I was just looking for my friends

and I didn't know which cabin they were in.

I mean, I'll pay for the window.

- Call the cops, Earl. - No, no, no. Wait, wait.

Okay. Seems to have been some kind of misunderstanding.

It's, it's okay. It's good. Good as new. Whoo.

Can't we just sort this out between ourselves?

- Ah, let the cops handle him. - Wait.

We really could use a fourth.

- A fourth. - [Jake] Mm.

- A fourth what?

- Okay, they're not in 21,

unless they turned into an elderly Chinese woman.

- Hmm. Not in 12 either.

Oh, and there's been a new development.

- Where's Packer?

- Okay, lemme just make sure that I understand.

Best of five. Myself and Maggie against the two of you.

- You got it. - Okay.

- The losers have to run naked

up to the main lodge and back.

- That's funny.

What, you're joking, right?

(Jake laughs)

No. Okay. Look, how long is this gonna take?

Because I really am in the middle of an emergency right now.

My friends-

- It'll take as long as it takes.

Do we look like people who give shit a about time?

(friends laughing) - Stop it, Jake.

You just score me some triple words, honey.

We'll be just fine.

- So, Amy, are you from LA originally?

- No. Chicago.

- Oh, the windy city.

You know, um,

Boston is actually windier, technically.

- I didn't know that, Troy. - Yeah.

Well, you know, when we, when we get outta this, if,

if we get out of this, uh,

we'll always have a special bond between us.

- Are you hitting on me?

- Am I hitting on you?

- I just wanna go home. Got it?

If you're horny,

get me out of here and I'll have sex with you.

- Why does it always have to be about sex?

Like that's all I want.

Like I'm some sorta man hoe.

I just wanted to get to know you a little.

You seemed like a nice person, but I guess I was wrong.

- I'm sorry. Okay?

Look, just get me out of this and we'll go out for coffee.

How's that?

- Hey. Hey. Hey.

- What?

- Uh, bathroom. I need to use the bathroom.

It worked, man. She likes me. It's time to do the escape.

- You gotta take a leak or not?

- No, no, no, no. Forget that.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Here's what I'm thinking. Okay?

We're gonna walk back in there.

Then I'm gonna give you a karate chop whiza,

and then I'm gonna sneak her out the window.

No, no. You know what? You know what? You're right.

You, you, we, we don't want it to look too staged.

We should kinda figure it out.

Maybe you should put up a decent fight.

- Okay. ♪ Hey, you ♪

♪ Do you know what you're in for ♪

♪ You shook hands with the devil ♪

♪ At the moment you laid eyes on ♪

(fist thuds) (Troy groans)

- Is that what you meant?

- Well, maybe you were just wrong about the number.

- Maybe I was. Maybe they are in a different cabin.

But we're not gonna know unless we look in the log book.

- Yeah, but that bastard Walter's got it.

- Exactly, which is why we have to sneak in

and take a look real quiet like.

- I can't do that. - What do you mean you can't?

- I'm not cut out for burglary.

I mean, what if we get caught?

- Then we'll just add burglary to the kidnapping charges.

(Lindsay yelling)

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Let my hand go.

Just stay here. - Good.

(Daniel thuds)

(wolf howling)

(Lindsay groaning)

- Good evening.

Hi. Lindsay, right?

- Yeah. Hi again.

What are you doing here?

- We followed you here. - Ooh.

- See, we had this strange feeling

maybe you and your pal

weren't telling the whole truth earlier.

- Yeah. (Lindsay laughs)

- Why would you think that?

- People seem to get nervous when they're hiding something?

- I'm not nervous. I mean, I, I wasn't, I mean, I don't...

So you followed us?

- Was that Daniel I saw running in up there?

- Yeah. He went into to, to get us, to get us a cabin.

- Well, you know what? It's late.

Maybe we should just get a cabin too.

- No, no, no, no.

I don't, I really don't think that's a good idea.

I mean, I hear this place sucks.

- Linds, bad news.

- Yeah. Um, there's a problem.

We can't, uh, get a cabin. Right?

- There's no vacancy. Nothing available. It's a damn shame.

- Oh, gosh. Wow. Better go home then.

- Yeah, that's true. - Goodnight.

- [Daniel] Goodnight. - Good seeing you though.

- [Daniel] Thank you. - Safe drive.

- [Daniel] All right, come on. - [Lindsay] Okay. Bye, honey.

I mean, come on, honey. - Buckle up.

- Oh, they followed us. We're totally screwed.

Did you get a look at the log book?

- Nope. Apparently Walter locks it up for the evening.

We are going to jail. - Yeah, we really could.

- Uh-huh, I don't have nearly enough vacation time

to cover my sentence.

- Okay. Stop making jokes. - Okay. Ow. Okay.

- We are directly responsible for a kidnapping.

- Okay. But it could be worse, you know.

Coulda got caught on a weeknight.

- Oh, what about Troy and that girl?

- Hey, hey, hey, we'll think of something. Don't cry.

- Okay. I'm not crying.

- All right, listen, I'm gonna fix it. Okay? Somehow.

- Danny. - Mm-hm?

- I'm scared.

- Wow, that's a first. - What are we gonna do?

- Hey, there's the woman from the lodge. 12 o'clock.

- Excuse me. Hi. Hi.

- Hello.

- Remember us? - Hello.

I have to get back. Walter's in a mood.

- Can you wait? Listen, we just wanna find our friends.

- That's right. - Can you help us?

- Well, I can tell you that your friends asked

for a cabin change when they checked in.

Wouldn't say why. - Okay, so they are here then.

- Yeah. Which cabin? - Yeah.

- Come on.

- Why should I tell you that?

- [Daniel] Well, because, uh...

- Um, I know. I'll help you beat the crap outta Walter.

- Tempting but sorry.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay. Okay. Okay.

I will tell you how Walter can give you better,

you know, oral pleasure.

- Deal.

- My face hurts.

- Uh-huh.

- Does it look bad?

- You should see the other guy.

He's got this wicked face print on his knuckles.

You just know he's sorry. - Okay. Okay. You know what?

I'm just not, I'm not liking you all that much.

- Damn. And I so wanted a boyfriend out of all this.

- That is the last time

that I take a punch in the face for you.

- Good. - Good.

- You were trying to help.

- Woulda had you outta here already

if these idiots would just do it right.

(whimsical music)

- What do you mean, do it right?

- Nothing.

- You meant something. - No, no. I meant nothing.

I, I, I cannot be expected to make sense all of the time.

I'm, I'm, I'm gonna try the window.

(Troy groaning)

- [AJ] Hey. - Ow.

- What's all the racket? (Troy groaning)

What the hell's going on in here?

- We, uh, we saw a tree horned owl on the ledge

and it banged into the glass.

- Uh, yeah. Yeah. Uh, she really likes tree horned owls.

Of course, who doesn't? - [Amy] Mm-hm.

- No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You know, we should talk. It's, it's been long enough.

- So talk.

- Let us go.

- Or what?

- Or I'm gonna shove this chair up your ass, pal.

- One second.

- I think it's gonna work.

- [AJ] I'll tell you what.

- Hey. What are, what are you doing?

(AJ mumbling)

Hey, hey, hey.

- It looks...

- What is wrong with you? This is not part of the...

Nevermind.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. This is not funny.

Shut up.

- [Lindsay] There's their car. - [Daniel] Okay.

- So what if we just slash their tires

so they can't get away?

- I don't think so. I think they'd hear something.

- [Lindsay] I wonder who's that.

- I dunno. Maybe they're switching cars.

- Hey, maybe it's their boss.

What if they're part of a ring?

(suspenseful music)

- Oh, shit. It's Jackson. - Oh, my God.

- This is definitely bad. What the hell is he doing here?

- I don't know. He's a micromanaging workaholic, you idiot.

- Okay, okay. Just relax.

Maybe they won't open the door and he'll just go away.

- Yeah?

- Move outta the way, son. It's cold out here.

You two weren't at the meeting.

You part of the creative team?

- Uh, right. Yeah. Creative team.

- All right, well, then where's my producer?

Where's Lindsay?

- Uh, she's, uh, not here.

- Damn. Damn. I had this idea for the spot.

I'll run it by you too. Check this out.

The whole thing is a big montage

of couples doing different things.

What do you think?

- I like it.

- All right, good. Elaborate.

- I like it a lot.

- Oh, brilliant. Just brilliant. Sharp insight.

I will assume now that the two of you exist

solely to move equipment around.

Where are my writers? Roenick and Riley.

- Yeah, well, they're not here.

They went out. We're the only ones here.

- [Troy] I gotta take a leak.

- Riley, what the hell is this?

- Uh, Jackson.

I shoulda known you were behind this.

You and your goons. Well, you'll never get away with it.

I will never tell the location of the hidden rebel base.

I'll die first.

Now let the girl go. She knows nothing.

(dramatic music)

- What's going on here?

(Jackson groans)

- [Jackson] What's your problem?

- [Hack] Why did you do do anything?

- [AJ] Why does anybody do anything? I don't know.

- [Jackson] Get outta my way.

- [Hack] Go get him. No, wait. Let, let him go.

- That wasn't supposed to happen. Who was that guy?

- It doesn't matter. We stick to the plan.

- The last time you said that

you ended up locked in a trunk of a Buick

with a transvestite.

- Can we go, like, one day without bringing that up?

- [Daniel] Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- [Lindsay] Mr. Jackson.

- [Jackson] Get away from me. - Whatever happened-

- I'll call the police.

- Okay. It's not what you think.

It's not what it looks like. Okay?

Please don't fire us.

- It's not how it looks? Fired. Fired. Fired!

You get outta my way.

- I assure you everything's gonna be fine.

- Fired. - Please, no.

Please don't. What about your business?

We did award-winning campaign

for Pepsi and (indistinct).

- Okay. I think you were right.

Maybe the cabin was a bad idea.

- Okay. Okay. I'm a secret agent. I can't hide it anymore.

I didn't tell you earlier for your own protection.

Okay, come on. Stop looking at me like that.

- I can't believe my career is over.

- Okay. And I'm sorry about that. I really am.

But we have to help Troy now. We have to help Troy.

- Right. Oh.

- I have to think of something. Wait.

They haven't seen you yet. They have not seen you yet.

- Your point?

- Well, you could create a diversion.

I could sneak in the back window or something.

- What, what do you want me to do, huh? I'm a mess. Okay?

And, and I'm just a little bit scared, Danny.

- Okay. Okay. I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

I'm thinking, I'm thinking. You could be a hooker.

A hooker. - No.

- Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Shh, shh, shh, shh.

You could be a Jehovah Witness.

- I can't do that.

- [Daniel] Linds, what's wrong?

- Oh, what's wrong?

What isn't wrong? My entire world is falling apart.

And now you want me just seduce a pair of ex-cons.

I'm sorry, but I guess I'm just having kind of a rough day.

You know? I mean, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get fired.

I'm gonna go to jail.

And now, now it's time for me to get raped and killed?

I can't do it. I just can't. (cries)

- All right, Linds. Look.

I'm gonna tell you how I really feel.

And I shoulda told you a long time-

- Ah, screw it.

I'm not a weak person. I can do this.

You want a distraction, you got one.

(upbeat music) - Go get 'em.

- You know, we can't keep those two forever.

It's too much work. Barely take care of my cat.

(Lindsay knocking)

Maybe this is it.

- Go put their gags in.

- [Lindsay] Anyone home? Hi.

- You wouldn't happen to be Lindsay by any chance.

- Uh, uh, no.

I'm Alice. I'm, uh, I'm staying in the next cabin over.

And I just got bored and I went for a walk

and saw your lights on.

And, and I, I thought maybe, huh?

- Maybe what?

- Maybe, uh, you wanted to play.

- Hey, look, little girl. We're busy. Maybe another time.

- Oh, oh, I get it. Mm, now I see. Mm-hm.

I guess I'm not really your type at all then, am I?

- Hey, I'm all bush, baby.

- But two big boys like you alone in the woods.

I don't know. Just seems kinda...

- Well, maybe we just enjoy each other's company.

- Well, I think you could use a woman's touch. Huh?

Come on.

- [Daniel] Dammit.

Okay. (tense music)

(Daniel thuds)

Where's, where's Packer when you need him?

- Ah. Ah.

- Crumbly?

- Yes. 21. Yeah.

- That's not a word. - It is a word.

- Okay, use it in a sentence. - The cookie was crumbly.

- That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't count.

- It's a word.

- Okay, you've got a dictionary?

- Let him have it. He's gotten away with worse.

- This is ridiculous.

♪ Crazy girls are good in bed ♪ - Thanks.

♪ God help us ♪

- So, Alice, your husband's a wimp, huh?

- Not really. (nut cracks)

He just, uh, has a small dick.

- I think that's enough chitchat. Let's get it on.

- No. Whoa. Wait a minute, ram jet. Let me finish my beer.

Whoa, you boys are into some kinky stuff,

but I really like that.

- Lindsay, I want this thing to end.

- Lindsay? So you are Lindsay. Perfect.

- Troy, you really are kidnapped.

We hired ex-cons by mistake. - Right.

- Troy, I'm not kidding. It's not a game.

- Yeah, you got that right.

Go get the other way. Come on, let's get outta here.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you talking about? (suspenseful music)

(music slows)

(engine starting)

(upbeat music)

- Wait, wait, Linds. Linds.

(Daniel yells)

Linds, what are you doing?

- [AJ] Now what? - [Hack] Thinking.

- [Lindsay] Don't strain yourself.

- Shut up. Let's head back to LA.

- So you never figured out it was for real?

- No, Lindsay, you don't understand. It was all the setup.

- You wanna run that part by me again, Troy?

- Not really. No.

- They hired us to kidnap you

so he could get to know you better.

- What? Troy?

- Yeah, but then these jerks got greedy.

- I don't believe this. - [Troy] Oh, Amy, look.

- Shut up. Don't talk to me.

- I'd be pretty pissed too if I were you.

Jesus streakers. (people laughing)

- Packer.

- Linds, what are you doing?

- Why are you naked? (tires screech)

- We're stuck.

- Hey, naked boy. - What?

- Give us a push, now. - Oh, God help me.

(upbeat music)

- Put your back into it.

- [Packer] It's not going anywhere.

- [Lindsay] Packer, they're taking us back to LA.

- [Packer] In England, I had normal friends.

- Walter, first, I get punched in the face

by some nut from my own ad agency.

Then my engine dies

and I cannot get outta this backwater butt park.

And then I'm standing here waiting for some AAA guy

who you said was gonna be here

18 minutes ago when this lovely lady named...

- Maggie.

- Maggie came stumbling outta the woods stark naked. Yes.

And now I'm standing here

waiting to greet some damn mechanic in my underwear

because this evening isn't uncomfortable enough yet.

What? (objects rattling)

He's here. About time.

The engine just died on me, so I have a-

(bear growling)

Shh. There's a bear in my carburetor.

- Is that what the kids call it these days?

Did that bear just fix your engine?

- No.

Thanks for nothing, Yogi. (bear growls)

(Maggie screams)

- The old ones took my clothes. They made me run.

- Pack, I'm really not in the mood right now. Okay?

- Terrific.

So lemme just ask you this. Why did you have to involve me?

I was supposed to have dinner and sex with Jamie tonight.

Not that this wasn't just as good.

- I didn't involve you, Pack.

- You were the one who dragged my ass out here.

- Lindsay did. Okay? She wanted your help.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

You were not supposed to be part of the plan. All right?

- What'd you mean?

- Danny set up the whole thing.

- No, you still don't get it.

- Linds, you don't get it. The phone call. The ransom.

You and Danny coming up to rescue us. He planned it all.

- What? No, he couldn't have. The police came.

- The detectives, they were actors.

I think that one of 'em was actually

the delivery guy or something.

- Why would he do this?

- You really don't know why? - Uh-uh.

- He wanted a chance at extreme circumstances with you.

He thought that maybe it would push you guys

past the friends barrier.

He's nuts about you.

You're mad, aren't you?

(Lindsay screaming)

- Piece of shit. I'm gonna kill him.

I'll pluck his eyelashes out with a tweezer.

- You people are fucked.

- No. You two should be flattered.

Look at the lengths we would go to for you.

It's impressive, hey.

- Hey. Wait, wait a minute.

No, if this is all planned,

why did you just screw it up by telling me?

- Well, uh, see, that's the thing is that

it, it was all planned.

They were supposed to let me escape anytime I wanted to.

- What are you saying?

- We might be really kidnapped.

- [Packer] All right. (groans)

(answering machine beeps)

- [Daniel's Mom] Hi, honey. Mom again.

Listen, I found your old porn collection under the bed.

And do you want "Ashley's Dirty Little Secret"

or can I throw that out?

Love you, muffin. Kisses.

- Mom.

- [Hack] Lemme be clear here. This is real now.

50 grand or you'll never see these three again. Got it?

Page us when you have the money.

- [AJ] Hey, Hack. You seen the cat, man?

- What have I done?

- You know, we're gonna have to get 'em outta there

for real.

- How are we gonna find 'em? They could be anywhere.

(machine rewinding)

- [Hack] 50 grand or you'll never see these three again.

Got it? Page us when you have the money.

- [AJ] Hey, Hack. You seen the cat, man?

- There. Right there in the background.

- Sounds like AJ. Something about a cat.

- Yeah. He said, "Have you seen the cat?"

- AJ's got a cat. - Bingo.

- They went home.

These have got to be the two stupidest criminals

on the planet.

- Yet their plan was smarter than yours.

- You know what, someday we're gonna laugh about this.

- [Both] Shut up.

- The hell's going on in here?

I have neighbors. Would I act like this in your house?

- This is your house?

So you're the big Barry Manilow fan.

- Yeah. I like the manster.

You can either accept it or be destroyed by it.

- Look, uh, despite that latest revelation,

you seem like the sensible one here.

Would you please just let us go?

- I can't do that.

- Let me rephrase that. Would you please just let me go?

I had nothing to do with this.

- Sorry.

- Hey, um, I'm, I'm kind of allergic to cats.

- Look, Danny can't get the money. He can't.

Let us go and we'll just say it was a big misunderstanding.

Right? - Right.

- [Hack] AJ. AJ, hey. Where are you?

- Yeah, I'm coming. - Oh.

- Wait, your cat.

- That must be torture for you.

- It is. - Good.

- [Officer On TV] Freeze. I said stop.

I have a gun. I will shoot you.

- [Criminal] Shoot, you pig.

(people yelling)

(springs jingling)

- Can you stop making that noise?

- What do you have against slinky?

- Nothing. I'm trying to watch this video.

I heard us the one where they caught Johnny C, uh,

flashing the rest home.

- Johnny C, cellblock D. Oh, sweet.

(doorbell rings) Who's that?

- I usually can't tell unless I open the door. Ignore it.

- Well, what if it's somebody important?

- We've got three people tied up in the other room

against their will.

How important could it be? (doorbell ringing)

- It's a kid. - [Hack] Good. Ignore him.

(doorbell ringing)

- Wonder what he wants.

- I don't care what he wants. Don't answer that door.

(speaking Spanish)

- No. English. 'Cause English. - [Hack] Get him outta here.

- I'm trying. He's talking too fast.

(speaking Spanish)

- What in the hell is that? - Whoa, whoa.

I don't understand a word you're saying, kid.

- Should we scream for help?

- Oh, yeah. You wanna get gagged again?

- Is that Spanish? - Yeah.

He's saying his kite is stuck in a tree

and he needs our help.

If he doesn't get it down,

his father's gonna gut him like a fish.

- Oh, my God. I thought my father was tough.

- Danny. - Shh, shh.

The old Spanish kid diversion works every time.

Come on. Let's go.

(pan dings) (Daniel yells)

- Great. Just freaking great.

Now what are we supposed to do?

- I beg your pardon?

- He was supposed to get the money.

- He doesn't have it, Einstein. Just let us go.

- What's going on?

- We gotta come up with another plan.

- Oh, let's just let them go. This isn't working.

- I agree. - Shut up.

There is another way. There's gotta be.

- It was all so very, very horrible.

- Poor baby.

- Not to mention crumbly. That isn't even a word.

- Sure it is. - Don't start.

- Okay. (phone ringing)

- Yellow?

- Linds. - You're so dead, Roenick.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I can explain.

- You can explain with your balls in your throat.

- Stop, stop, stop.

- How did you get all these people in on this?

Jackson, I mean, how did you get him?

- I didn't. He wasn't part of the plan.

- We really lost the account? - Well, yeah.

- Asswad.

(Daniel groans)

(chair thuds)

Oh, ow.

- Troy, do you have something to tell me?

- Well, maybe I might've kinda told them,

but it's only because things got out of hand.

- Thanks, bud. What about her?

- Yeah, she knows everything.

But we're working on reconciliation.

See, an hour ago, she would've just ignored me.

- Linds. Hey, Linds, say something.

- What were you thinking?

- I didn't know how else to... - [Lindsay] To what?

- To be with you.

- Why didn't you just ask me out?

- Well, sure that sounds better now, but...

- I mean, you, you know me better than anyone and

you didn't have the balls to ask me out.

- That's not fair. Okay?

'Cause you thought this was romantic

when we were doing it to Troy, didn't you?

- See? Romantic.

- Are you defending yourself? Don't even-

- Don't even what, hypocrite?

You know what? Forget it. This was a bad idea. Okay?

- Oh, do you think so, dick nose?

- Thank you.

- Hey, would you go back to blaming him?

I got my own problems here. Thanks.

- You have just gotten so desperate that you stooped

to tricking your best friend into an extreme date.

Wow. Does the word pathetic mean anything to you?

- Oh, and throwing yourself at me

a couple days ago at my apartment,

that's not desperate and pathetic, huh?

- I made a mistake. - Well, so did I.

(Troy clears throat)

- So you have a big family?

- You're free.

- [Daniel] Okay, Linds, we're both adults here. Linds.

- Linds. Linds. Do not. Do not destroy him.

They will hear you. - [Lindsay] Shh.

- What are you doing? Linds, what are you doing?

Hey. No, that's not a good idea. Listen, I'm sorry.

(Daniel yells)

Ow, ow, ow. I can't feel my nipples. Ow

(suspenseful music)

- Oh, man.

If I could just get out, I could probably climb down.

Maybe through the attic. Shh.

(suspenseful music continues)

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That doesn't look too hard.

Okay. Yeah. Okay, okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. I got it.

Here we go. Whoa.

(dramatic music) (groaning)

Oh, boy.

- They're awfully quiet down there.

- Maybe they went out. - Yeah.

(suspenseful music)

(Troy groaning)

- Okay. Okay.

(groans)

(AJ snoring)

(suspenseful music continues)

(AJ snoring)

(AJ snoring louder)

(upbeat music)

(Troy thuds)

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Sorry about that kid. Okay?

(speaks Spanish)

- Thanks.

(Troy groans) (upbeat music continues)

- Uh...

Uh, they were sleeping, so we kinda walked out.

Come on. Let's get outta here. - Ow.

- Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. ♪ Loser, loser ♪

- Hey.

- Mm. Mm.

- They're gone.

- What? - They got away.

They're all gone.

- Well, don't blame me, man, 'cause you fell asleep too.

- This sucks.

- Well, it's not like we were gonna get any money anyway.

They didn't have any.

- Yeah, maybe. I don't know.

Now I can't help feel like we wasted a weekend.

(doorbell rings)

- Okay. Okay. Here's the thing. Okay?

I, I couldn't quite come up with the amount that you wanted.

So here's

235 bucks and 63 cents.

That's all that I could come up with.

I mean, I mean, it's not

that I don't think they're worth more.

I mean, we all know that they are.

- Okay, we'll take this then. - Okay.

But you'll let them go now.

- Yeah. I'm gonna call the guy who's holding 'em right now.

Hey, you saved 'em. - Yeah.

You did the right thing, naked boy. Right.

- They owe me so big for this. (laughs)

(calm music) (airplane rotors rumbling)

- [Daniel] Is Amy gonna press charges?

- Nah. She's not that kinda girl.

- You really liked her, didn't you?

- Oh, yeah.

Tried to tell her,

but she doesn't seem to trust me for some reason.

Plus, I think she hates me.

- Come on. She doesn't hate you. Why? What'd she say? Huh?

- She said she hates me.

- Oh. Well, maybe it was the heat of the moment, you know?

Look at me. My nipple still hurts.

- She leaves it on my voicemail.

She says she hates me every day.

- Oh, well...

- She writes letters, sends 'em in the mail.

All they say is, "I hate you."

- Okay.

- She hired a plane to write in the sky, "I hate you, Troy."

- She did not hire a plane.

(airplane rotors rumbling)

Oh, hired a plane.

- Guess I deserved it. What about you?

What's going on with you and Linds?

- Well, we made our peace, you know.

It's just, things aren't the same.

You know, she avoids me at work and I don't know, man.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be, you know.

- You're wrong. She'll get over it.

I mean, at least you know she cares about you.

You just need to learn to say how you feel.

See, Amy had no chance to care about me.

- No. Hey, she does care about you. Okay.

You just don't see that. - But the hate.

The hate. - Okay.

If you don't care about someone, you ignore them. Okay?

You don't rent a plane

for something you don't have feelings for.

You know what I'm saying?

- So what do I do?

- What do you do? I dunno. Try honesty.

It works for some people. Come on.

(calm music continues)

- Hey there. - Go away.

- Got your letters. Thanks. - Troy, go away.

- Can I just say something? - No.

- Just a few words, please. (spray fizzes)

Oh, God. Oh. My eyes.

Oh, my eyes. The pain.

(groans) I can't breathe.

- Say what you have to say. - That's your apology?

- Forget it. - No, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait. Okay, I'm sorry.

Hang on. Hang on, please. Amy?

- What?

- Okay. Okay.

Um, listen, I know I was a real jerk

for doing what I did,

but I just, I just really like you.

Guys have a, have a history

of doing imbecilic things to win over women.

I'm just following in a long line of idiots.

- I'm over here.

- Oh. See? I'm no good at picking women.

I seem to attract a certain kind.

A kind that is just all wrong for me.

And I just, I guess I'm afraid to go after someone

who might actually be good for me.

And then, and then I got to know you a little and...

I just, I just wanted to get to know you.

I'm nuts about you, Amy.

You're not even here, are you? I'm talking to a street sign.

- No. I'm right here.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Lemme guess? I had you at listen.

- No. You had to see the whole thing.

And it helps that you're crying.

- I know.

Now, now, you're not gonna just

sleep with me and run, are you?

- Actually, I don't believe in sex before marriage.

- Oh. Me neither.

♪ I can feel, I can feel without you ♪

♪ Daydream, thinking of you ♪

♪ Daydream, taking my heart ♪

♪ Daydream, finding the truth ♪

- I am in love. - That's great, Troy.

- Oh, all she wants to do is spend time with me.

- Fabulous. - Like later tonight,

we're getting together just to watch TV.

- Mm-hm.

- Tomorrow, she's teaching me how to bake cookies.

- You know, Troy, you really are turning into a woman.

- Daniel, Troy, conference room, right now.

Jackson's on his way up.

- Jackson? I thought we lost the account.

Wait, why is he coming here? Oh, I'm scared.

Hey, Linds.

- Hi, Troy.

- Will you two at least be civil? Say something.

- Does your nipple still hurt? - A little bit.

- Good.

- Lindsay, I just got your email

and I gotta tell you that it is brilliant.

I get it now and you got the campaign.

- I didn't send you an email.

- The whole idea of extreme dating,

I mean, it's gonna bring in a younger...

- [Maggie] Adventure-loving. - Adventure-loving demo.

Hell, it even worked on me.

I'm normally about as romantic as a pubic hair.

(Maggie and Jackson laugh)

I got a question for you though.

How in the hell did you get that bear to play along?

(all laughing)

Hell, it don't make no nevermind 'cause I really don't care.

Me and Mags, we're off extreme dating in Paris.

Yeah. Come on.

- Say hi to Packer for me. - I will.

- What the hell just happened?

- Don't ask.

- Daniel. I have a Vanessa on line three.

Says she's a friend.

- Okay, I'll take it. Excuse me. Line three?

- Come on, Linds. What are you waiting for?

- He still loves Vanessa.

- Why do you think Vanessa left him?

- Because she wasn't in love with him anymore.

- Wrong.

She left him because she knew he was in love

with someone else.

I mean, he woulda never been able to break her heart.

That's why she had to break his.

Because she knew he was in love with you.

(phone ringing)

- Skyline Advertising. One sec.

Skyline Advertising. Mm-hm. One moment.

- [Delivery Man] Hey. - Hey.

- [Delivery Man] Here. Sign.

- Hey, Ginger, will you page Sean for me please?

- Hey, Lindsay. What's up? (whimsical music)

- Hey, nevermind. I see him.

Sean, hey.

Yeah. I'm gonna need that, uh, Dairy Queen promo again.

- Yeah, I'm not going anywhere near that storage closet

with you, you psycho freak.

Go get it yourself. - Fine. I will.

Oh, my God, you're so not my office crash anymore.

- I'm devastated. - Jerk.

Excuse me.

- Here, hold this. I'll be right back.

- You know, somebody should lock her in a closet for a year.

Maybe two.

- Maybe somebody will.

- So what are you, about, uh, 6'10?

- Hey, Linds. - [Lindsay] What do you want?

- I just wanna say one thing

and then I'll leave you alone, okay?

- So say it then.

- I'm sorry.

Official apology right here, right now. I am sorry.

Can we please just go back to being friends?

- No.

- No? I, I wasn't really prepared for that answer.

- Why did you do it, Danny? Hm?

- I told you, Linds. I told you why I did it.

- Not the whole truth. And I wanna know.

- Okay. You know what? Forget it.

(door rattles)

The door's locked.

Hey. Hello. Hello.

- So how's it feel?

- You did this, didn't you?

- I think you better tell me why you did it.

Unless of course you think you can pick the lock with a pen.

Say it.

- Did it 'cause I love you.

Because I'm in love with you.

'Cause you're the only one I want.

The only one that understands me.

The only one I ever, ever wanna be with, you know?

And besides, no one else will go out and be so, you know.

Come here.

♪ And rise again for me ♪

♪ What if the world were a little more perfect ♪

♪ Would you stop crying or would you the take leap ♪

♪ Now what if the world were a little more perfect ♪

♪ Would you open your eyes ♪

♪ And blink again for me ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ Yeah, for me ♪

(upbeat music continues)

♪ What about friendship ♪

♪ What about friends ♪

♪ You said the whole world was against you ♪

♪ And it all had to end ♪

♪ What about love ♪

♪ What about family ♪

♪ What about all ♪

♪ That you have to live for ♪

♪ What if the world were a little more perfect ♪

♪ Would you stop crying or would you take the leap ♪

♪ Now what if the world were a little more perfect ♪

♪ Would you open your eyes ♪

♪ And blink again for me ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ It isn't easy here without you ♪

♪ Why did you leave me ♪

♪ What am I supposed to do ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ What if the world were a little more perfect ♪

♪ Would you stop crying or would you take the leap ♪

♪ Now what if the world were a little more perfect ♪

♪ Would you open your eyes ♪

♪ And what if the world were a little more perfect ♪

♪ Would you open your eyes ♪

♪ And blink again for me ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ For me, for me ♪

(music ends)

♪ Crazy girls are good in bed ♪

♪ God help us all ♪

♪ They'll twist their way inside your head ♪

♪ But what a ball ♪

♪ The world is full of women that are so much safer ♪

♪ The kinda girls you'd like to meet your mom ♪

♪ But then you turn your head and you're in mortal danger ♪

♪ When you see the bomb ♪

♪ Yeah, crazy girls, crazy girls ♪

♪ Crazy girls make crazy ♪

♪ Never are they lazy ♪

♪ Crazy girls ♪

♪ Make crazy love ♪