Original subtitles

[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ FEELS SO GOOD THIS

MORNING ♪

♪ I WANT TO LEAP BEFORE I LOOK

AROUND ♪

♪ I KNOW THAT I'M FALLING ♪

♪ I THINK IT'S WHAT THIS LIFE'S

ABOUT ♪

♪ WHAT YOU SAY IS INFATUATION ♪

♪ CALL IT PASSION ♪

♪ NO SIN, NO CRIME ♪

♪ IN FACT, I'M TRULY GRATEFUL ♪

♪ PROMISE OF LOVE SEEMS SO

ALIVE ♪

♪ LET'S SEE ♪

♪ LET'S SEE ♪

♪ TAKE IT OUTSIDE

AND KICK THE WHEELS ♪

♪ I'M IN ♪

♪ FOR KEEPS ♪

♪ I JUST DON'T FALL THIS

EASILY ♪

♪ JUST DON'T FALL THIS EASILY ♪

♪ DON'T FALL SO HARD

FOR EVERYONE I MEET ♪

♪ YOU SAY YOU'RE MY TEACHER ♪

♪ IT MUST BE TIME

FOR MY NEXT LESSON ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH

YOU ♪

♪ YOU WANT TO BUY IN TO MY

OBSESSION ♪

♪ LET'S SEE ♪

♪ LET'S SEE ♪

♪ TAKE IT OUTSIDE

AND KICK THE WHEELS ♪

♪ I'M IN ♪

♪ FOR KEEPS ♪

♪ I JUST DON'T FALL THIS

EASILY ♪

♪ JUST DON'T FALL THIS EASILY ♪

♪ DON'T FALL SO HARD

FOR EVERYONE I MEET ♪

♪ I MEET ♪

♪ I'M SO IN LOVE ♪

♪ BEING IN LOVE ♪

♪ I'M OLD ENOUGH ♪

♪ TO KNOW I'LL BE JUST FINE ♪

♪ YOU CALLED IT OFF ♪

♪ DON'T HAVE MY LIFE OVER ♪

♪ GIVE MYSELF TO WALK A BIT ♪

♪ I JUST LAST FOREVER ♪

♪ I KNOW THERE'S NO WAY

TO BE FREE ♪

♪ LET'S SEE ♪

♪ LET'S SEE ♪

♪ TAKE IT OUTSIDE

AND KICK THE WHEELS ♪

♪ I'M IN ♪

♪ FOR KEEPS ♪

♪ I JUST DON'T FALL THIS

EASILY ♪

♪ JUST DON'T FALL THIS EASILY ♪

♪ DON'T FALL SO HARD

FOR EVERYONE I MEET ♪

ALL RIGHTY.

TWO MATZO BALLS JUST LIKE YOU

LIKE IT.

ALWAYS TAKING CARE OF ME.

YOU.

HEY, ANYTHING FOR MY MOST

BEAUTIFUL CUSTOMER, HUH?

[ TAB CLICKING ]

I LEFT YOU A NICE TIP TODAY.

OH, LEO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO

THAT.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

MY PLEASURE.

SEE YOU LATER, BUDDY.

THANK YOU.

Hold on one second.

UH...

EXCUSE ME. ONE SEC.

YOU KNOW, ALUMINUM IS NOT GOOD

FOR YOU.

WAITER?

HEY, EXCUSE ME, BUDDY.

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH

MY FORK?

NO, JUST YOUR STOCK CHOICE'S

FUTURE.

OH. WELL, YOUR FUTURE

INVOLVES TOPPING OFF MY COFFEE,

OKAY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

ALUMINUM'S STABLE.

THERE'S JUST NO GROWTH POTENTIAL

IN IT.

WAIT, WAIT! HOLD ON A SECOND.

HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

BACK IT UP.

UNBELIEVABLE.

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT MY

CONSULTANT SAID LAST NIGHT.

AND I BET HE CHARGED YOU MORE

THAN THE $6.95 LUNCH SPECIAL FOR

THAT.

YEAH, HE DID.

OKAY.

SO, SAY YOU WERE HER.

WHAT WOULD YOU BET ON?

I WOULD GO WITH...

THAT ONE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

THAT'S NICKEL STUFF.

SIMITEK'S ABOUT TO SHAKE

HANDS WITH THEM NEXT WEEK.

THAT MEANS, BY FRIDAY, THOSE

NICKELS ARE GONNA BE WORTH

MILLIONS.

CAN YOU SEND A WAITER OVER?

WOW!

THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.

YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET.

MIKE, TABLE 57 IS YOURS.

THEY NEED SOMETHING. GO.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

HOLD ON A SECOND.

UM, SO, UM...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER

TONIGHT?

MAYBE YOU WANT TO SHOW ME

SOMETHING I HAVEN'T SEEN YET.

WOW! HA!

OKAY.

UM, I THINK I WILL BE AT HOME...

WITH MY GIRLFRIEND...

OH.

MY VERY JEALOUS, VERY...

HEY, WAITER DUDE.

YEAH, CASANOVA.

IT'S "MIKE"!

MIKE.

MIKE CHRISTIAN, AND HE'S VERY

RELIGIOUS.

YEAH, WELL, I'D PRAY TO THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND VERY BUSY, OKAY?

STILL WAITERLESS.

GOING, GOING, GOING.

WAIT, MIKE.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

UNREAL.

NO, NO, NO.

SIR, I APOLOGIZE.

NO, NO, NO.

NO, I'M SORRY.

I DON'T WANT YOUR APOLOGY.

WE HAVE A BUSINESS MEETING.

HE'S JUST A TRAINEE, PLEASE.

I'LL SAY HE'S A TRAINEE.

PLEASE, LET ME TAKE YOUR

ORDER. GENTLEMEN...

A TRAINEE, REALLY.

WOW.

[ COUGHS ]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.

I THINK I GOT TO GO.

IF YOU DARE TAKE THAT TIE

OFF, YOU'RE FIRED, OKAY?

KEEP IT ON AND CLEAN THE TABLE!

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?

HE WANTS TO GET FIRED,

MR. LIPNICK.

HE'S ALREADY CHASED OUT FOUR OF

OUR REGULAR CUSTOMERS.

I KNOW -FOUR COFFEE-ONLY

CUSTOMERS.

THOSE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN HOGGING

THAT TABLE EVERY DAY NOW FOR A

WEEK.

I WONDERED WHO HAD THE BALLS TO

THROW THEM OUT.

GOOD BUSINESS SENSE, MICHAEL.

YOU'RE MY MAN.

THANK YOU.

COME HERE. LET'S TALK.

MICHAEL, MY GRANDDAUGHTER

DELILAH IS AT A CONFERENCE AT

UNIVERSITY HALL.

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD PICK HER

UP FOR US?

ABSOLUTELY.

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

ALTHOUGH IT'S RARE, AT THE

TURN OF THE LAST CENTURY, THE

DIVORCE RATE GREW FOR A NUMBER

OF JUSTIFIABLE REASONS.

PEOPLE ARE ALCOHOLICS, DRUG

ADDICTS, PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE TO

THEIR SPOUSE OR CHILDREN...

THESE ARE SITUATIONS WHERE

SEPARATION IS OFTEN BEST FOR ALL

INVOLVED.

BUT DIVORCE AND ITS ACCEPTANCE

HAVE CHANGED WITH THE TIMES.

ON THEIR WEDDING DAY, COUPLES

OFTEN STILL SAY, "TILL DEATH DO

US PART," BUT AFTER TIME PASSES,

THE INITIAL ATTRACTION OFTEN

FADES.

THE PERFECT SPOUSE ALL OF A

SUDDEN IS A NORMAL PERSON WITH

HUMAN FLAWS.

RECURRING ARGUMENTS, ATTRACTION

TO A CO-WORKER, OR SIMPLE

BOREDOM CAN LEAD TO

IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES.

DIVORCE IS A LAZY WAY OUT.

DIVORCE IS A SHORTCUT SOLUTION.

WAKE UP, GRANDMA.

IT'S THE 21st CENTURY.

THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT ABOUT CHILDREN?

DOESN'T OUR FUTURE DEPEND ON

THEM?

DIVORCE CAN HAVE A DEVASTATING

EFFECT ON A CHILD, AS MY CASE

STUDIES ATTEST.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

I CAN ALSO PERSONALLY ATTEST TO

THIS BECAUSE I COME FROM A

BROKEN FAMILY.

I WAS RAISED BY MY GRANDPARENTS,

AND NOT THAT THEY DIDN'T TAKE

CARE OF ME, BECAUSE THEY DID,

BUT I STILL WISH THAT MY PARENTS

WERE THERE, TOO.

AND YOUR SOLUTION?

TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.

MARRIAGE IS WORK.

MARRIAGE IS FOR LIFE.

IF YOU ARE WILLING TO MAKE THE

COMMITMENT, YOU HAVE TO BE

PREPARED TO GO THE DISTANCE.

EXCUSE ME.

UM, DID YOU MAJOR IN SOCIOLOGY

OR DID YOU MAJOR IN FANTASY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE A JAIL

SENTENCE WITHOUT THE PAROLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LOOK, BUDDY, NO NEED TO

WORRY.

FROM THE LOOKS OF IT, THE ONLY

LIFELONG COMMITMENT YOU'LL HAVE

IS WITH YOUR RIGHT HAND.

OHH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHIT.

THANK YOU.

THAT'S, UH -THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ALL.

THANK GOD.

[ CLAPPING ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

HONEY, SLOW DOWN.

I WORKED MY BUTT OFF FOR

THREE YEARS ON THAT THESIS.

I INTERVIEWED HUNDREDS OF

COUPLES, AND ALL IT TAKES IS A

COUPLE OF IDIOTS IN THE AUDIENCE

TO MAKE IT ALL SEEM LIKE A JOKE!

AND YOU SEEM TO HAVE NO OPINION

ABOUT IT.

WELL, IF IT'S ONE THING I'VE

LEARNED FROM YOU, IT'S WHEN TO

KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.

OKAY, THEN.

FINE. LET'S -LET'S BE HONEST.

I CAN HANDLE IT.

TELL ME THE TRUTH.

THE TRUTH?

YEAH.

WELL, I THINK SOME OF THOSE

GUYS HAD SOME...

PRETTY VALID POINTS.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST ADMIT IT?

YOU DON'T RESPECT MY ACADEMIC

RESEARCH!

NO! IT'S JUST THOUSANDS OF

THESES SIT IN A LIBRARY

GATHERING DUST.

YOU KNOW, THEY CHANGE NOTHING.

THE WORLD GOES ON AS IF THEY

WERE NEVER EVEN WRITTEN.

YEAH, BUT OUT OF THOSE

THOUSANDS, ONE OF THOSE PAPERS

HAD THE FORMULA FOR ELECTRICITY

ON IT.

IT DID?

SO HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT MINE

WON'T BE THAT ONE, HUH?

I MEAN, IF IT COULD JUST CHANGE

ONE MIND, IT WOULD ALL BE

WORTH IT.

[ SCOFFS ]

WHY AM I WASTING MY TIME TALKING

TO YOU?

WHAT WOULD A COLLEGE DROPOUT

CARE ABOUT THIS STUFF ANYWAY?

HEY, I AM A PROUD DROPOUT,

OKAY?

COLLEGE IS A WASTE OF TIME.

FOUR, FIVE, SIX YEARS OF ENDLESS

SIDE ROADS AND POINTLESS

DETOURS.

MY THEORY FOR LIFE IS SIMPLE...

SHORTCUTS.

SHORTCUTS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS HAS BEEN TOO MUCH ACADEMIC

DEBATE FOR ONE DAY.

I'M SORRY, MIKE, OKAY?

I JUST HAD A REALLY ROUGH DAY.

[ SIGHS ]

HOW ABOUT SOME MARGARITAS AT

THE DECK BAR?

[ SIGHS ]

AND THEN HOW ABOUT A MASSAGE

BY THE EXPERT HANDS OF A

KANSAS CITY FARM BOY?

IF THE CLIENT IS NOT COMPLETELY

SATISFIED, SHE CAN RETURN THE

MASSAGE TO THE MASSAGER.

THANK GOD.

HEY, BABE.

HI, HONEY.

HOW ARE YOU?

[ SIGHS ] TIRED.

MM.

HI.

MM. HI.

LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT YOU.

OH, YOU'RE SWEET, BUT I'M SO

ICKY FROM THE RESTAURANT.

I JUST -I REALLY WANT TO GO IN

TO TAKE A SHOWER.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHAT'S THE -WHAT'S THE RUSH,

HUH?

THIS IS A GORGEOUS EVENING, HUH?

HA! IT'S L.A.

THEY ARE ALL GORGEOUS EVENINGS.

YEAH, BUT, UM, THIS IS AN

ESPECIALLY ROMANTIC EVENING,

ISN'T IT?

CLEAR...

NOT SO MUCH 'CAUSE WE'RE

RIGHT BY THE DUMPSTER, AND THE

TRASH GUY FORGOT TO STOP ON OUR

STREET AGAIN.

SO, LISTEN, I'M GONNA GO IN, I'M

GONNA TAKE A SHOWER, AND THEN

MAYBE I CAN MUSTER A LITTLE

ROMANCE FOR YOU.

HOLD -HOLD ON.

OKAY.

WHAT'S THE RUSH?

I GOT TO GO!

I'M GROSS.

CRAP.

AAH!

AAH! AAH!

OHH! COME ON!

♪ DO, DO DO DO, DO DO DO ♪

♪ DO, DO DO, DO DO DO ♪

DUDE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE,

ALL RIGHT?

YOU JUST CAN'T PUT ME ON WATCH

DOG ANYMORE, ALL RIGHT?

[ LAUGHS ]

YEAH. I MEAN, YOU ARE MORE THAN

WELCOME TO STAY WITH US WHENEVER

YOU WANT.

YOU AND SCOTTY HAVE KNOWN EACH

OTHER SINCE BIRTH.

I ONLY BARGED INTO YOUR LIVES

ABOUT A YEAR AGO.

BARGING IN ON ME WAS NOT

COOL.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I KNOW.

I'M SORRY, BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU

CAN'T BARGE IN AND EXPECT TO

BECOME ONE OF THEM IN SIX

MONTHS, EITHER.

"ONE OF THEM"?

"THEM"?

WHAT -WHAT DOES THAT EVEN

MEAN?

REALLY?

DYLAN AND I ARE IN LOVE.

OKAY?

WHY YOU GUYS SO WORRIED ABOUT

THIS NOW?

DUDE, SHE'S THE ONE WHO GOT

YOU THE LIPNICK JOB, REMEMBER?

SHE JUST DON'T WANT TO GET FIRED

WHEN THE CHRISTIAN SHIT HITS THE

JEWISH FAN.

NO. NO, I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT

THAT.

I AM A PHENOMENAL WAITRESS, BUT

I AM WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

I MEAN, IF YOU'RE REALLY

CONSIDERING MARRYING DYLAN, I

JUST MIGHT THINK AGAIN.

HER GRANDPARENTS ARE VERY

OLD SCHOOL.

I MEAN, THEY ARE

SUPER-SUPER-RELIGIOUS.

SO?

MY PARENTS ARE SUPER-RELIGIOUS.

THEY DON'T CARE IF I MARRY A

JEWISH GIRL.

MIKE, ARE YOU SURE? HUH?

'CAUSE GROWING IN PUNKTON,

KANSAS, I DOUBT ANYBODY COULD

TELL JEWISH FROM AMISH.

REMEMBER FACIAL HAIR?

IF YOU HAD FACIAL HAIR, YOU WERE

AN ALIEN FROM OUTER SPACE.

TRUE STORY.

SCOTTY, YOU CAN'T CHANGE MY

MIND ON THIS, OKAY?

SHE'S...

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

SHE'S JUST MADE FOR ME.

SHE'S MADE FOR YOU.

HEY, MAN, UM, WHAT HAPPENED TO

THE MIKE I USED TO KNOW, HUH?

THE ONE WHO WOULD ONLY TAKE THE

RICHEST DUDE'S DAUGHTER TO THE

PROM?

WHERE'S HE AT?

CAN I SEE HIM?

YEAH.

I MISS HIM.

AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THE

STOCK BROKER WHO WOULDN'T EVEN

TAKE A WOMAN OUT TO COFFEE

WITHOUT LOOKING AT HER PROFILE

FIRST?

AH.

HMM?

HE GREW UP.

HE FELL IN LOVE.

BESIDES, DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE

THE POTENTIAL OF THIS

RESTAURANT.

WE ARE REALLY CLOSE TO

FRANCHISING THIS.

OH, OH, OH, OKAY, OKAY.

SEE, I THOUGHT -I THOUGHT

AMIGO WAS IN LOVE WITH SEÑORITA,

NOT THE RESTAURANTE.

AMIGO IN LOVE WITH SEÑORITA, NOT

THE RESTAURANTE.

♪ BOOP BA-DA-DOOP, BA-DA-DOOP ♪

♪ AMIGO IN LOVE WITH SEÑORITA ♪

♪ NOT THE RESTAURANTE ♪

♪ BOOP, BA-DA-BOOP, BA-DA-BOOP ♪

SCOTTY, DON'T BE A SCHMUCK!

BESIDES, I'M THINKING ABOUT PAUL

AND ELAINE IN THIS WHOLE THING.

I MEAN, HOW CAN THEY SAY NO TO A

GUY WHO IS ABOUT TO

REVOLUTIONIZE THEIR FAMILY

BUSINESS?

FAMILY BUSINESS?

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU WOULD HAVE TO DIE AND BE

REBORN JEWISH FOR THEM TO

CONSIDER YOU FAMILY.

OY! PLEASE!

I COULD BE AS JEWISH AS THEY

WANTED ME TO BE!

[ STOMPS FOOT ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE

JEREMY.

WHO?

WHO?

THE BICYCLE GUY?

YEAH.

THE LIPNICKS TOTALLY DROOL OVER

HIM.

OKAY? HE'S STRAIGHT OUT OF

FRICKIN' "FIDDLER ON THE ROOF."

AND NOW THAT HE'S BACK IN TOWN,

THEY'RE GONNA TRY TO SET DYLAN

UP WITH HIM.

JUST WAIT AND SEE.

[ KLEZMER MUSIC PLAYING ]

SWEETHEART, WE NEED TO BUY

MORE SUGAR PACKETS.

I KNOW.

AND WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF BAKED

APPLES.

OH, I THOUGHT WE HAD SO MANY.

NO, WE DON'T.

WHAT ABOUT THE HALVA?

THE HALVA -CHOCOLATE-COVERED

HALVA.

OH, I LOVE IT.

YEAH.

A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE IT.

OH, I'M SORRY.

WE'RE ACTUALLY NOT OPEN YET.

OH, I'M NOT A CUSTOMER.

I'M FAMILY.

WOULD YOU MIND TELLING ME WHO

YOU'RE RELATED TO?

LOOK WHO'S HERE.

JEREMY!

BUBALA!

JEREMY!

PAUL! OOH!

BUBBIE ELAINE.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I BROUGHT YOU THESE -TO

CONGRATULATE YOU ON DELILAH'S

GRADUATION.

HOW NICE OF YOU TO REMEMBER.

WHERE IS OUR BEAUTIFUL

DELILAH?

SHE'S NOT HERE NOW.

BUT YOU ARE -JOIN US FOR

LUNCH.

OH, WE HAVE SOME DELICIOUS

FOOD HERE.

THERE IS NOTHING I WOULD LOVE

MORE THAN GRANDMA'S DELICIOUS

TONGUE ON RYE.

OH! [ LAUGHING ]

BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVE TO

RUN.

I'LL BE BACK LATER, THOUGH, TO

PICK UP DELILAH.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT YET, BUT...

I GOT HER TICKETS TO SEE THE

SYMPHONY AT THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL.

WONDERFUL!

FABULOUS!

MICHAEL, WOULD YOU PUT THESE

LOVELY FLOWERS IN SOME WATER,

PLEASE?

HE'S OUR NEW ASSISTANT MANAGER.

[ SIGHS ]

HI. MIKE.

MIKE CHRISTIAN.

JEREMY.

JEREMY JEW.

STOP IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, THAT'S FUNNY.

UH, CHRISTIAN IS MY REAL LAST

NAME, ACTUALLY.

WELL, JEW'S MINE, TOO.

AND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT, I GOT A

BRIDGE IN BROOKLYN I'D LOVE TO

SELL YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

GOT IT. YEAH.

UH, DYLAN'S AT THE DENTIST RIGHT

NOW, AND ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW, I

THINK SHE HAS PLANS LATER.

REALLY?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE ASSISTANT

MANAGER.

WHAT, ARE YOU HER PERSONAL

SECRETARY, TOO?

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, I'M HER BOYFRIEND.

WHAT?

WH-WHAT DID YOU SAY?

PAUL, ELAINE, I DIDN'T WANT

YOU GUYS TO FIND OUT LIKE THIS.

I MEAN, YOU GUYS HAVE TAKEN ME

IN, AND YOU'VE TREATED ME LIKE

FAMILY.

BUT I GUESS NOW IS AS GOOD A

TIME AS ANY.

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR

GRANDDAUGHTER.

IN LOVE?

[ SPEAKING YIDDISH ]

YOU'RE FIRED! GET OUT!

PAUL, LET ME EXPLAIN.

OUT!

WE DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU. GO.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

UM... THERE'S JUST ONE

QUESTION I NEED TO ASK YOU

BEFORE I LEAVE.

DYLAN LIPNICK, I WANT TO SPEND

THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

NO!

NO! NO!

I'M SERIOUS.

I'M COMMITTED.

I NEED YOUR ANSWER -YES OR NO?

[ SIGHS ]

OH, MY GOD.

YES!

YES?

YES!

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

OH, BUT...

NO.

THIS IS A SHAM!

THOSE FLOWERS JEREMY BROUGHT FOR

YOU.

THEN THAT'S WHAT THE INVITES

WILL SAY -"FLOWERS BY

JEREMY -JEREMY JEW."

YOU KNOW WHAT?

JEREMY WAS EVEN KIND ENOUGH TO

BUY CONCERT TICKETS.

YES.

FOR US.

NO!

NO?

YES.

DELILAH...

THANK YOU.

I WANT TO SEE YOU IN MY

BOOTH RIGHT NOW.

COME ON.

OY.

YOU'VE KNOWN THIS MAN FOR

ONLY A FEW MONTHS, AND NOW

YOU'RE READY TO MARRY HIM?

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM?

I KNOW HE'S A GOOD MAN WITH A

BRILLIANT HEAD ON HIS SHOULDERS.

HE'S A SELF-DIRECTED MAN WITH

AMBITION AND DREAMS.

AND HE LOVES ME TO BITS,

GRANDPA.

WHAT MORE CAN I ASK FOR?

JEREMY WAITED YEARS FOR YOU

TO FINISH SCHOOL.

AT LEAST YOU COULD'VE GIVEN IT A

TRY, GONE OUT WITH HIM,

SOMETHING.

HE'S NOT MY TYPE, GRANDMA.

HE'S TOO...

TOO WHAT?

I DON'T -I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S TOO...

JEWISH?

TOO JEWISH?

LIKE ALL THOSE WORTHLESS PEOPLE

IN OUR FAMILY?

LIKE ALL THE GENERATIONS WHO

SUFFERED SO YOU COULD HAVE A

BETTER LIFE?

LIKE US, I SUPPOSE?

COME HERE, SWEETHEART.

LISTEN TO ME.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOUR GRANDPA

THIS HURT.

PLEASE, JUST LET IT GO FOR A

WHILE.

LET IT BE.

ALL RIGHT?

THEY'VE GIVEN UP SO MUCH TO

GIVE ME A BETTER LIFE.

AND WHAT DO I DO IN RETURN?

I CRUSH THEM.

[ EXHALING SHARPLY ]

OKAY, SO, I WANT TO GO

THROUGH AN AUTHENTIC CONVERSION,

ONE THAT FOLLOWS THE MOST

ANCIENT OF RITUALS.

YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS

WILL REQUIRE A CIRCUMCISION,

YEAH?

YES, I DO.

AND YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?

IT'S A JOKE.

OH, I GET IT.

THIS IS AN EPISODE OF A REALITY

SHOW, AND I'M IN IT.

AND I BET YOU MY AGENT SET IT

UP.

MAX?

MAX, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU LITTLE

RAT?

MAX?

NO?

NO.

YOU'RE SERIOUS.

ALL RIGHT, I HAVE TO EXPLAIN

WHAT IT IS.

WE DON'T HAVE TO TAKE OFF THE

WHOLE MEGILLAH.

WE GOT TO MAKE A CUT.

BUT THERE'S GONNA BE SOME BLOOD,

THERE'S GONNA BE A SCALPEL,

THERE'S GONNA BE AN OWIE ON YOUR

PEE-PEE, ALL RIGHT?

I GOT A QUESTION TO ASK YOU.

ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10, HOW MUCH

PAIN CAN YOU TAKE IT?

8.5.

NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO.

NOT 8.5.

I'M -I'M MORE OF LIKE A 2.1

KIND OF GUY.

YOU SAID YOU WERE IN LOVE.

AND THIS IS YOUR BEST FRIEND,

YEAH?

8.5.

OKAY.

FOR LOVE.

HEY, KID.

8.5.

DRINK TO THAT.

UNDER STRICT RABBINICAL LAW, I

HAVE TO TELL YOU, YOU'VE GOT TO

ASK ME THREE TIMES SO I CAN DO

IT.

PLEASE?

NO.

PLEASE?

NO.

PLEASE?

OKAY! THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE GONNA DO IT.

ALL RIGHT.

AND I'M GONNA SING TO YOU LIKE A

FATHER WOULD SING TO HIS LITTLE

JEWISH BOY.

[ SINGING IN HEBREW ]

WOW! [ CHUCKLES ]

I FEEL JEWISH ALREADY.

OH, LOOK!

MY FORESKIN JUST FELL OFF!

HA HA!

NO, IT -IT DIDN'T.

YOU STILL HAVE TO CUT IT OFF.

YOU LOOK JEWISH A LITTLE BIT.

WELCOME, WELCOME, MY DEAR

FRIENDS.

GOOD AFTERNOON.

TODAY, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A

CEREMONY WHICH YOU WILL NEVER

FORGET THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, I

ASSURE YOU.

WE HAVE A YOUNG MAN OUTSIDE OF

OUR SHUL BUT WITH A GREAT DEAL

OF LOVE IN HIS HEART, WHO HAS

COME HERE TODAY TO EXPRESS HIS

LOVE AND ADMIRATION FOR OUR

RELIGION.

HE WANTS TO BE CONVERTED IN THE

MOST TRADITIONAL WAY -WITH OUR

OLDEST RITUAL, THE BRIS.

RABBI.

ARE YOU COMFORTABLE?

YEAH.

ARE YOU COMFORTABLE?

I MAKE A LIVING.

ARE YOU CONFIDENT?

YEAH.

ARE YOU CONFIDENT?

THEY'RE NOT GONNA CUT ME.

[ CHANTING IN HEBREW ]

[ SINGING IN HEBREW ]

AAAAAAAAH!

BOYCHICK, HOW YOU FEELING?

SEE?

WASN'T SO BAD.

YEAH.

NOT SO BAD.

HEIMLICH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO, WE HAVE SOME OILS HERE

THAT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

WE HAVE EVERYTHING FROM

SOMETHING THAT'S SOOTHING AND

GENTLE TO HEALING AND STINGING.

HOW ABOUT SOME WINE?

[ SIGHS ]

YOU'RE SERIOUS?

ALL RIGHT.

HE'S CHOSEN WINE.

WINE IT IS.

DON'T WORRY.

YOU'RE A BRAVE YOUNG MAN.

OH, YES.

HERE WE GO.

AAAAAAH!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

[ APPLAUSE ]

MAZEL TOV.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

MAZEL TOV.

OH. OH, YOU CAME.

OH, THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME.

DYLAN -DYLAN LOVES YOU SO

MUCH, AND SHE WAS AFRAID YOU

WEREN'T GONNA ACCEPT ME AND...

THANK YOU.

WHO TOLD YOU THIS

DANIEL NUDNICK WAS QUALIFIED TO

DO THIS?

YOU NEED TO STUDY SIX MON...

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW.

I KNOW. I AM STUDYING.

I JUST COULDN'T STAY AWAY FROM

MY DYLAN THAT LONG.

EXCUSE ME.

OH, UH, PAUL?

LET'S KEEP THIS A SURPRISE,

BETWEEN US.

CAREFUL.

[ APPLAUSE ]

OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

SOME PEPPER.

DO YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE?

JUST THAT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, GREAT.

HEY. WHERE'S MIKE?

OH, UM, WHY DON'T YOU ASK OUR

NEW HEAD MANAGER?

PROUDEST JEW ON THE BLOCK.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

HIRE HIM AS HEAD MANAGER?

NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY OR DO, I

AM NEVER GOING OUT WITH HIM.

WELL, SORRY TO HEAR THAT, BUT

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TELL HIM

YOURSELF.

GO AHEAD. TELL HIM.

LOOK, I KNOW THAT THIS MIGHT

DISAPPOINT YOU, BUT WILL YOU

PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?

OY!

WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER?

FINE. I'M LEAVING.

I DON'T NEED YOUR TSURIS.

MIKE?

WHAT IS THIS?

YESTERDAY WAS A SURPRISE -A

PROFOUND SURPRISE FOR US, AS

WELL.

HE PUT HIMSELF THROUGH THE WHOLE

NINE YARDS, INCLUDING A

TRADITIONAL BRIS.

WHO KNEW HE WAS GONNA BE

STUDYING HEBREW?

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO...

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID ALL

THIS.

MAY I, WITH YOUR PERMISSION?

OF COURSE.

OH.

OH, MY GOD.

AWW.

MWAH.

MWAH!

MAZEL TOV.

MAZEL TOV.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AWW. EVERY HAPPINESS.

IT'S AMAZING.

YOU LIKE...

OH, CAREFUL DOWN THERE.

OH, SORRY.

WHEW. [ CHUCKLES ]

[ GASPS ]

ROGER!

WHAT HAPPENED?

COME HERE!

COME ON!

WHAT? WHAT?

OH, MY GOD.

YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS.

WHAT?

GO AHEAD.

NO, NO, NO, NO!

YOU HAVE TO READ IT YOURSELF!

HANDS ARE ALL WET.

OH, SWEET JESUS.

HONEY, JESUS WAS JEWISH.

GOSH. ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL?

WELL, YEAH, BUT...

I WISH HE WOULD'VE TOLD US.

HONEY, MIKE HAS FINALLY FOUND

SOMEBODY HE LOVES.

I'M GOING.

ARE YOU GONNA JOIN ME?

OF COURSE I'M GONNA JOIN YOU.

BUT I'M NOT JOINING ANYTHING

ELSE.

[ LAUGHS ]

SO, HOW MANY GUESTS SO FAR?

OUR SIDE, WE'RE AT 200, PLUS

YOU ADDED 49, INCLUDING THE

STOCK-MARKET JANITORS?

OH, GOOD! YES!

I LOVE THOSE GUYS.

HONEY, IT'S GETTING LATE.

DON'T YOU HAVE TO GO HOME?

YEAH.

SO, I DON'T WANT YOU TO

MISUNDERSTAND ME.

FEEL FREE -TELL ME WHAT YOU

THINK.

WHAT'S THIS?

IT'S OUR PRENUP.

NO!

HEY, GUYS! SCOTTY, COME HERE!

YO!

YOU GUYS, WE ARE LIKE REAL

CELEBRITIES.

WE ARE LIKE BRAD PITT AND

ANGELINA JOLIE.

HA!

WE HAVE GOT A PRENUP.

YEAH!

THIS IS A -THIS IS A

PRENUP?

YEAH.

YEAH.

PRENUP.

THIS IS MORE LIKE A PHONE BOOK.

WOW.

YEAH.

OKAY. I KNOW IT'S A BIT LONG,

BUT YOU UNDERSTAND WHY.

OH, I KNOW! I KNOW!

I KNOW.

BECAUSE IN OUR JEWISH CULTURE,

BEFORE THE WEDDING, WE SIGN A

THING CALLED A "PATUKA."

A WHAT?

A WHAT?

A "TOPANGA."

A... BAZOOKA.

UMBUTCHA.

TENDUKA, CAMBUNA, HAKUNA...

CADZUKI, SHIITAKE.

IT'S A KETUBAH...

KETUBAH! YES!

MR. JEWISH GROOM.

AND KETUBAH IS JUST ONE PAGE.

THIS IS WAY MORE THAN ONE

PAGE.

THIS IS... A LOT OF PAGES.

HONEY, YEAH, THIS IS A

LITTLE...

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS OUR PRENUP?

IT LOOKS MORE LIKE YOUR THESIS.

JUST READ IT AND LET ME KNOW

IF YOU WANT TO MAKE ANY CHANGES.

LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

BYE.

I LOVE OUR PRENUP!

I'M GLAD.

DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

YOU GOT TO READ THIS SHIT.

[ LAUGHS ]

DUDE, HOW MANY CREDIT CARDS DO

YOU SIGN UP FOR?

YOU JUST SIGN "I AGREE" WITHOUT

EVEN READING IT.

COME ON.

DUDE, THIS IS YOUR LIFE WE'RE

TALKING ABOUT HERE, NOT A CREDIT

CARD, OKAY?

LOOK, THERE'S AN ATTORNEY IN MY

CIGAR CLUB.

HE OWES ME A FAVOR.

WE'LL LET HIM READ IT FIRST, ALL

RIGHT?

JUST LET HIM READ IT.

DUDE, IT'S FINE.

LOOK - "SIGN HERE."

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.

HE'S IN LOVE.

I'M IN LOVE!

LOVE MAKES YOU STUPID.

LIKE "WOW! STUPID!"

LOVE MAKES ME STUPID.

YEAH.

♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ PICTURE YOU WITH NO ME ♪

♪ PICTURE ME WITHOUT LOVE ♪

♪ I JUST CAN'T SEE YOU AND I

GETTING OLD ♪

♪ NOW PICTURE US OLD ♪

♪ STILL SO IN LOVE ♪

♪ THAT IS THE DREAM I CAN

PICTURE FOR US ♪

♪ I AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE ♪

♪ I AIN'T LEAVIN'

FOR NOTHIN' IN THE WORLD ♪

♪ I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE ♪

♪ I'M-A STAY HERE ♪

♪ I'M STAYIN' WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WANT TO BE THE ONE

HERE FOR THE LONG RUN ♪

♪ NOTHING CAN FADE THE LOVE FOR

YOU ♪

♪ I USE EVERY SINGLE DAY ♪

♪ BEING YOUR EVERYTHING ♪

♪ COMING WITH BRAND-NEW WAYS TO

SHOW YOU ♪

♪ YOU SAY I'M HEADSTRONG ♪

♪ YOU THINK I LET GO ♪

♪ OH, BABY, AIN'T ENOUGH

FORGIVENESS TO MAKE ME SAY

GOODBYE ♪

♪ NO MATTER WHO'S GONE ♪

♪ I ALWAYS COME HOME ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU WERE MADE FOR

ME, AND I'M STAYING WITH YOU ♪

♪ I AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE ♪

♪ I AIN'T LEAVIN'

FOR NOTHIN' IN THE WORLD ♪

♪ I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE ♪

♪ I'M-A STAY HERE ♪

♪ I'M STAYIN' WITH YOU ♪

♪ OOH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ OOH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ I'M STAYIN' WITH YOU ♪

♪ OOH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ I'M STAYIN' WITH YOU ♪

♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ OOH OOH ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ OH ♪

♪ I'M STAYIN' WITH YOU ♪

♪ I'M STAYIN' WITH YOU ♪

♪ I'M STAYIN' WITH YOU ♪

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THANK YOU.

HONEY, WHAT ARE WE DOING?

JUST GET THE BAG.

COME ON.

HONEY, WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?

WOW.

GOD.

WOW.

TURN IT ON.

WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME!

HAVE A VERY HAPPY MARRIED

LIFE, DARLINGS!

HAVE A BLAST!

Both: MWAH! MWAH!

NO.

YEAH.

NO!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

OH, MY GOD!

I DON'T WANT THEM WATCHING.

[ LAUGHS ]

LIPNICK'S.

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NAME IS

THAT, ANYWAY?

IT'S THE NAME THAT'S GONNA

MAKE YOU MONEY, RICK.

OKAY, NOW, WHAT'S THE PLAN OF

ATTACK?

V.C.s OR ANGELS?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'D GO BIG.

ON THAT NOTE, I KNOW YOU GUYS

CAN'T AFFORD A 15% FINDER'S FEE,

SO FIGURED I'D MAKE IT 10%?

5% IS INDUSTRY STANDARD.

[ CHUCKLES ] COME ON, SCOTTY.

5.5%.

8.5%.

NO!

IT HURTS.

DAMN. OKAY.

UH... 5.5%. FINE.

NOT A CENT LESS, NOT A CENT

MORE.

GENTLEMEN, OUR BOARD OF

DIRECTORS LOVES YOUR PLAN.

HOWEVER, OUR C.E.O. IS LEAVING

TOWN FOR TWO WEEKS, SO WE'D LIKE

TO ASK YOU NOT TO APPROACH ANY

OTHER COMPANIES UNTIL SHE'S

BACK, AND THEN WE CAN FINALIZE

YOUR CONTRACT.

WELL, WE HAVE TWO OTHER

MEETINGS SET UP.

WE DO?

OH.

YEAH, WE -WE DO.

TWO WEEKS IS A LONG TIME.

COME ON.

SHE KNOWS THE DEAL.

WHY NOT JUST GIVE US THE ANSWER

RIGHT NOW.

I WISH I COULD, BUT SHE'S

HEADING TO THE AIRPORT RIGHT

NOW.

IS THAT YOUR C.E.O. RIGHT

THERE?

YES.

AND THAT'S MS. BIRCH.

COME ON.

JUST LET US TALK TO HER FOR LIKE

ONE MINUTE.

'FRAID I CAN'T.

WELL, WE'RE AFRAID WE'LL HAVE

TO PURSUE OUR OTHER OPTIONS,

THEN.

GIVE ME ONE MINUTE.

THE GENTLEMEN FROM THE

RESTAURANT ARE HERE.

THEY'D LIKE TO SPEAK WITH YOU

JUST BRIEFLY.

I'M ON MY WAY TO A BUSINESS

AND GOLF TRIP.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

PLEASE JUST RESCHEDULE.

NOW IS NOT A GOOD TIME TO

TALK TO HER.

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE JUST GOING TO

HAVE TO WAIT.

DID I HEAR HER SAY SOMETHING

ABOUT A GOLF OUTING?

MS. BIRCH IS ON HER WAY TO A

FINANCIAL SUMMIT IN SCOTTSDALE,

ARIZONA, BUT ALL THE BEST DEALS

ARE DONE ON THE LINKS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE MIGHT JUST HAVE TO GO AND

PLAY THE BACK NINE WITH HER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'LL SEE YOU IN A COUPLE OF

WEEKS.

YOU KNOW, THERE ACTUALLY ARE

OTHER PLACES WE CAN GO.

I THINK WE SHOULD LOOK INTO IT.

OKAY.

OKAY.

GRANDMOTHER'S FAMOUS RECIPE

FOR TONGUE ON RYE.

IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU SAID

"TONGUE."

[ CHUCKLES ]

I DID.

IT'S COW TONGUE.

OH, COW TONGUE.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, I'M A DIABETIC,

SO TONGUE, LIPS, FACE, ALL

THAT'S FROM THE NECK UP, I'M NOT

SUPPOSED TO DIGEST IT.

MM. NICE TRY.

I'M GONNA TRACK HER DOWN IN

SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA.

I THINK HER COMMENT WAS A TEST.

SHE PURPOSELY SAID IT LOUD

ENOUGH SO THAT WE WOULD HEAR IT.

NO.

YEAH.

LOOK, THESE BIG-PLAYER TYPES, TO

THEM, THIS IS ALL JUST A GAME.

WHY ELSE WOULD THEY GO AND DO

BUSINESS ON A GOLF COURSE?

CAN YOU HELP ME?

I'M AT A LOSS.

SO LET'S PLAY IT.

LET'S PLAY THEIR GAME.

I'M GONNA GO TO THE RESORT AND

BLEND IN WITH THE MILLIONAIRE

CROWD.

UH, NO OFFENSE, DUDE, BUT

THAT TAKES SOME MAJOR

CAMOUFLAGE.

HEY.

JUST LET ME WORRY ABOUT THAT,

OKAY?

OKAY, LOOK, MAN.

A LAST-MINUTE PLANE TICKET,

THOUGH?

A FIVE-STAR EXECUTIVE SUITE?

PLUS, YOUR BLENDING IN WOULD

COST MORE THAN WE ALL CAN AFFORD

TO PUT TOGETHER.

SO, SORRY TO BE A PRICK, BUT WE

ALL KNOW HOW YOUR FINANCIAL

ADVENTURES TURNED OUT IN THE

PAST.

LOOK, THAT WAS A LONG TIME

AGO, OKAY?

I HAVE LEARNED FROM THOSE

MISTAKES.

I'M NOT SO SURE.

OKAY. WHAT HAVE WE GOT TO

LOSE, OTHER THAN OUR OWN SHIRTS?

LET'S SEE IF HE CAN PULL THIS

OFF.

WHERE WE GONNA GET THE SEED

MONEY?

WHAT, ARE WE GONNA ASK THE

LIPNICKS?

WE CAN'T GAMBLE ON THEIR MONEY.

WE HAVEN'T MADE THEM ANY MONEY.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S JUST EAT.

COME ON.

I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY TO SEE

YOU TRY THIS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

PICKLE FIRST?

NOPE.

WHAT'S THIS?

OPEN IT.

IT'S OUR NEW VISA.

MIGHT AS WELL BREAK IT IN.

WHAT IF THE DEAL DOESN'T GO

THROUGH?

AT LEAST I'LL HAVE A HAPPY

HUSBAND.

HAPPY HE AT LEAST GAVE IT A TRY.

I LOVE YOU.

MMM.

GO GET 'EM, TIGER.

COME HERE.

♪ ...SURELY FIND A WAY ♪

♪ WORKING TOGETHER DAY BY DAY ♪

HERE WE GO.

THANK YOU, MY GOOD MAN.

AND WE NEVER MET.

FAIR ENOUGH.

YOU GUYS HAVE ROOM FOR ONE MORE?

HI.

[ GOLF CLUBS CLATTERING ]

SORRY! JUST A LITTLE...

LITTLE TOURNAMENT STRESS.

UH... I'M JUST GONNA -I'M JUST

GONNA GO AGAIN.

YEAH.

RELAX.

RELAX.

EYES ON THE BALL.

HEAD DOWN.

FEET SHOULDER-WIDTH APART.

EYES ON THE BALL.

KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.

EYES ON THE BALL.

MIND ON THE BALL.

WOW.

YOU ARE STILL THE SAME LOUSY

SHOOTER AFTER ALL THIS TIME.

NOTHING'S CHANGED.

WHAT?

THAT'S WHAT MY FRIENDS USED TO

CALL ME BACK IN HIGH...

I'M ALEX BIRCH.

NICE TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE

AGAIN.

MS. BIRCH.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

AGAIN?

ALEX?

ALEX ROVERSON?!

[ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S ALEX BIRCH NOW -MY

MARRIED NAME.

NO WAY!

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, MY GOD!

HOW ARE YOU?!

OH!

OH!

WOW.

YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED MUCH.

COME ON.

AT LEAST SAY I LOST SOME OF MY

BABY FAT.

WELL, YEAH, OF COURSE.

I MEAN...

Y-YOU LOOKED GREAT IN HIGH

SCHOOL, BUT...

YOU LOOK EVEN BETTER NOW.

THANKS.

YOU LOOK GOOD, TOO...

ESPECIALLY ON THAT FIRST TEE.

WOW.

SO, HOW IS IT THAT YOU ENDED UP

IN L.A. FRANCHISING RESTAURANTS?

OH.

UM...

I WAS IN NEW YORK FOR SEVEN

YEARS PLAYING THE MARKET.

I DID OKAY, BUT THEN, LIKE

EVERYONE ELSE, WHEN THE MARKET

CRASHED, I LOST MY SHIRT, SO I

DECIDED TO MOVE TO L.A. AND

START FRESH.

MY BUDDY SCOTT ASKEY -YOU

REMEMBER SCOTTY?

MM-HMM.

YEAH, HE -HE DECIDED TO PUT

ME UP UNTIL I COULD GET BACK ON

MY FEET.

MM. GUESS SCOTTY AND I SHARE

SOMETHING -GETTING YOU BACK ON

YOUR FEET.

IT'S FUNNY HOW WE ENDED UP BEING

NEIGHBORS AGAIN.

WELL, I LIVE IN THE FAIRFAX

DISTRICT.

I'M GUESSING YOU'RE MORE OF A

BEVERLY HILLS, MALIBU GIRL.

SO, ALEX BIRCH NOW, HUH?

WOW. THAT IS JUST...

IS YOUR HUSBAND HERE WITH YOU?

MY EX-HUSBAND.

FRANKLY, I DON'T KNOW WHERE

HE IS.

I DON'T LIKE THE WORD

"DIVORCéE," SO I LIKE TO REFER

TO MYSELF AS A FREE BIRD.

AND YOU?

UH, MARRIED.

FOUR MONTHS AGO.

CONGRATS.

IS SHE HERE?

I'D LOVE TO MEET HER.

NO. I CAME ALONE.

THIS IS A BUSINESS TRIP, AFTER

ALL.

THOUGH, GIVEN OUR HISTORY, I

DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS SUCH A

GOOD IDEA.

YOU STILL HAVEN'T FORGIVEN

ME.

LOOK, UM, MAYBE I CAN MAKE IT UP

TO YOU NOW.

JOIN ME FOR DINNER.

I WILL ORDER SOMETHING EXTRA

SPECIAL -CORN DOGS WITH A SIDE

OF MAC AND CHEESE.

YOU REMEMBER THAT?

YOU'D BE SURPRISED BY WHAT

ELSE I REMEMBER.

HEY, UM, I WAS GONNA GO TO A

CLUB TONIGHT TO SEE SOME JAZZ.

YOU WANT TO COME WITH ME?

YES.

WHO SAYS NO TO JAZZ?

[ JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ RINGTONE PLAYS ]

[ RINGING STOPS ]

SO...

HOW MANY DO YOU WANT?

WHAT?

HOW MANY FRANCHISE BRANCHES

DO YOU WANT?

OH. UM...

WELL, OUR INITIAL ROLL-OUT PLAN

WAS TO HAVE 25 IN 5 YEARS.

HOW ABOUT 50 IN 3 YEARS?

WHAT WOULD BE THE TERMS?

IF YOU CAN STAY, WE CAN WORK

OUT THE DETAILS OVER THE NEXT

FEW DAYS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

YOU COULD SAY NO.

[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ]

WHO TOLD YOU TO CHANGE

PARTNERS?

ALEX, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WITH

STEVE, MIKE WITH KIMBERLY.

AND NO HEAD ON CHEST.

BUT SHE ASKED MY PERMISSION.

YOU COULD SAY NO.

WHY WOULD I?

I LOVE HER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ RINGTONE PLAYING ]

HEY, BABE.

HI! WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S SCOTT AND DYLAN.

WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU.

WHAT'S UP, MAN?

OH. YEAH.

I'M GOOD.

EVERYTHING'S GOOD HERE.

JUST, UH... WORKING ON THE DEAL.

YOU SOUND AWFUL.

ARE YOU GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP?

NOT REALLY.

UH, WHEELIN' AND DEALIN' IS...

IT IS HARD WORK.

OKAY. WHEELIN' AND DEALIN'.

LISTEN -I GOT A COUPLE

QUESTIONS, MAN, I WANTED TO GO

OVER WITH YOU BEFORE THE

MEETING.

WHAT TIME IS THE MEETING?

IT'S FINISHED.

DAMN IT!

MIKE, WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME

BEFORE YOU SCREWED EVERYTHING

UP, MAN?

DUDE, CHILL OUT, OKAY?

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

I NAILED IT.

GUESS WHAT -WE GOT

50 BRANCHES.

WE GOT 50 BRANCHES?

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE CATCH,

MIKE?

NO CATCH.

I JUST GOT TO STAY HERE FOR A

COUPLE MORE DAYS AND FINALIZE

THE DETAILS.

THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

THAT'S FANTA...

HOW DID YOU TALK HER INTO THAT?

I WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT

THAT WHEN I GET BACK.

WHEN ARE YOU BACK?

WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK?

I MISS YOU.

OKAY, YEAH, I MISS YOU, TOO.

UM, I GOT TO GO.

THERE IS A MEETING.

IT IS URGENT, OKAY?

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

BYE.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

CHEERS.

CHEERS.

WE DID IT.

GOOD MORNING, LAZY BUM.

MORNING.

WHO WAS THAT?

THE WIFE?

NO.

YEAH. IT -IT WAS, AND SCOTTY.

COME ON.

LET'S BEAT EVERYONE TO THE

LINKS.

I'M NOT EXACTLY A MATCH FOR

YOU.

I MEAN, I'M A BEGINNER AT THIS.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU TAUGHT ME

HOW TO DANCE?

I USED TO TRIP ALL OVER THE

FLOOR?

WELL, IT'S PAYBACK TIME.

COME ON. GO -GET DRESSED.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ I DIDN'T SEE IT ♪

♪ I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING ♪

♪ I CAN'T BELIEVE IT ♪

♪ IT'S REALLY STUNNING ♪

♪ AND NOW I FEEL SO STRONG ♪

♪ IT'S BEEN WAY TOO LONG ♪

♪ I JUST REMEMBER THAT I FORGOT

ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ I JUST REMEMBER THAT I FORGOT

ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ OH, THIS FEELIN' ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN REDISCOVERED ♪

♪ IT'S GOT ME BREATHIN' ♪

♪ LIKE A TEENAGE LOVER ♪

♪ AND IT FEELS SO RIGHT ♪

♪ BETTER HOLD ON,

HOLD ON TIGHT ♪

♪ I JUST REMEMBER THAT I FORGOT

ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ I JUST REMEMBERED ♪

♪ OH, YOU'D COME BACK TO ME ♪

LET'S GO DRINK.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHOO!

WHOO!

COME ON!

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT.

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

THAT'S ONE. THAT'S ONE!

YEAH!

LET'S GO! COME ON!

THREE.

COME ON! YOU GOT IT!

YEAH!

WHOO!

GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

OH! IN YOUR FACE!

COME ON. YOU READY?

HERE WE GO.

WHOO!

WHOO!

[ LAUGHS ]

WHOO!

COME ON! YOU CAN DO IT!

COME ON, BABY!

AAH! TWO!

GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

WHOO!

AAH!

ONE MORE! ONE MORE!

AAAAAAAH!

AAH!

BR-BR-BR-BR-BR-BR-BR-BR-BR!

HERE WE GO! AAH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHOO!

YEAH!

ONE MORE! ONE MORE!

ONE MORE! ONE MORE!

All: GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO,

GO, GO, GO, GO!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪ I JUST REMEMBER THAT I

FORGET ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ I JUST REMEMBER THAT I FORGOT

ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ I JUST REMEMBER THAT I FORGOT

ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ I JUST REMEMBER THAT I FORGOT

ABOUT YOU ♪

WELL, IF YOUR FLIGHT WAS AT

3:00, I COULD'VE DROPPED YOU OFF

AT THE AIRPORT.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

YOU GOT TO RUN.

TOURNAMENT'S ABOUT TO START.

IF YOU WAIT UNTIL MONDAY, WE

COULD GO TOGETHER.

I HAVE TO REPORT BACK TO MY

BOSS BEFORE I GET FIRED.

I UNDERSTAND.

I REALLY ENJOYED OUR TIME

TOGETHER.

ME TOO.

I'LL SEE YOU IN L.A.?

MWAH.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

DUDE, YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT.

NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO.

DID YOU GET THE L.O.I.

SIGNED?

NOT YET.

BRO, YOU KNOW HOW IFFY THESE

DEALS CAN BE.

YOU SAID YOU HAD IT IN THE BAG.

DUDE, RELAX.

THE DEAL IS LOCKED IN.

WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE?

I FOUND A SHORTCUT.

YOU KNOW THEIR C.E.O.,

ALEX BIRCH?

HER MAIDEN NAME IS

ALEX ROVERSON.

ALEX...

ALEX ROVERSON?

THE PROM QUEEN WHO WENT MISSING

ALEX ROVERSON?

MM-HMM.

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

SO, WHY DIDN'T YOU GET THE

L.O.I. SIGNED AGAIN?

ALEX IS COMING TO THE

RESTAURANT ON FRIDAY.

I THOUGHT IT'D BE MORE OFFICIAL

THAT WAY.

HMM.

SO, IF YOU WEREN'T THERE CLOSING

THE DEAL, WHAT WERE YOU DOING

THERE THE WHOLE TIME?

HMM?

WE WERE JUST CATCHING UP ON

THINGS, YOU KNOW, DOING THE

WHOLE P.R. GAME WITH HER,

TELLING HER WHAT A GREAT

FRANCHISE LIPNICK'S IS GONNA BE.

FIVE DAYS IS A LONG TIME TO

TALK.

DID SHE TELL YOU WHY SHE WENT

MISSING PROM NIGHT?

OH. OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

RICK.

YEAH, LOOK, CAN YOU SET UP THE

BACKUP MEETINGS FOR FRESCO AND

K.C. AND COMPANY?

REALLY?

YEAH.

OKAY, THANKS, MAN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YEAH, I'VE BEEN DOING SOME

TALKING, TOO, MYSELF, ALL RIGHT?

JUST IN CASE.

DUDE, WE HAVE A DEAL.

I DON'T WANT A DEAL.

I DON'T EVEN THINK WE SHOULD BE

DOING BUSINESS WITH HER IN THE

FIRST PLACE.

SCOTTY, YOU WORRY TOO MUCH.

YEAH, YEAH.

I'M THE IDIOT.

YOU'RE THE OPTIMIST. I FORGOT.

SHIT.

DOES ALEX REALLY LIVE THERE?

DUDE, IF I WERE YOU, I WOULDN'T

DARE GO ANYWHERE NEAR HER.

YEAH, MIKE, I THINK YOU

SHOULD REALLY RECONSIDER

KIMBERLY.

DUDE, SHE PROBABLY THINKS

YOU'RE SOME MILLIONAIRE'S SON

WITH ALL THOSE BOSS SHIRTS

YOU'VE BEEN BORROWING FROM

SCOTT.

THOSE BOSS SHIRTS THAT I'VE BEEN

BORROWING FROM SCOTT DON'T EVEN

MAKE SCOTT LOOK LIKE A

MILLIONAIRE, DUDE.

YOU GUYS ARE JUST JEALOUS.

I'M AN OPTIMIST, ALL RIGHT?

I LOOK AT THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF

THINGS.

OKAY?

BYE-BYE.

YOU WANT US TO WAIT?

NO.

ALEX SAID WE'LL TAKE HER LIMO.

[ LAUGHS ]

OKAY. LET'S GO.

NO, WAIT A SEC.

I'M HERE TO PICK UP ALEX.

SHE'S EXPECTING ME.

TUX, CORSAGE, PROM DATE.

YOU'RE MISTAKEN, YOUNG MAN.

MISS ALEX HAS LEFT FOR THE

WEEKEND.

HO-HO.

COME ON, BIG GUY.

NO, WE, UH -WE HAVE A DATE.

SIR, I MEAN, IT'S PROM.

SHE -SHE CAN'T BE GONE.

SHE HAS TO BE HERE.

SO CAN YOU CALL HER DOWN HERE SO

I CAN TALK TO HER?

ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I'VE

LIED TO YOU?

NO. NO, NO, NO.

JUST -JUST THAT THERE'S

APPARENTLY A MISUNDERSTANDING.

IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE THAT I CAN

TALK TO, LIKE HOW ABOUT THE

DRIVER?

I MEAN, HE MUST KNOW HER PLANS.

I'M THE LIMO DRIVER.

WHAT?

HOW DO YOU GUARD THE HOUSE AND

DRIVE AT THE SAME...

IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

WHAT I DO.

NOW YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

YOU CAN DO THAT THE EASY OR THE

HARD WAY.

I STRONGLY SUGGEST THE EASY WAY.

UP TO YOU.

[ GATE RATTLING ]

[ FINGERS CLICK ]

WHERE YOU GOING?

ALEX! ALEX!

ALEX!

GIVE HIM TO ME.

ALEX, COME OUTSIDE!

COME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW!

I'M HERE TO PICK YOU UP!

ALEX!

UNH!

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

ALEX!

OW! AAH!

ALEX, COME OUTSIDE!

ALEX, I'M HERE TO PICK YOU UP!

I HAVE YOUR CORSAGE!

IT'S PURPLE!

IT MATCHES MY TIE!

ALEX!

[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]

YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

NO! STOP!

WHAT?

SHIT.

SORRY, HONEY.

I WAS JUST HAVING A BAD DREAM.

HEY, WIFEY.

HI, HUBBY.

HI.

YOU'RE JET-LAGGED LIKE YOU

WENT TO EUROPE OR SOMETHING.

LOOK AT THAT PICTURE THERE.

DON'T WORRY.

ONE DAY, LIPNICK'S IS GONNA HAVE

ALL THE MAGAZINE ADS.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT

ONE.

THE ONE TO THE RIGHT OF IT.

THAT MAGAZINE WENT OUT OF

BUSINESS.

THEY'RE GONNA BE GONE WITHIN A

MONTH.

CAN YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT

BUSINESS?

I'M TALKING ABOUT FAMILY.

OF COURSE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT FAMILY, TOO.

I AM TALKING ABOUT OUR

FAMILY'S... FUTURE.

OH.

I WANT TO HAVE TWINS JUST LIKE

THAT -ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU

AND ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE ME.

IDENTICAL TWINS ARE SO BORING.

I'M SORRY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I KIND OF WASTED YOUR MONEY,

I THINK.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S GONNA BE A

DEAL.

BUT THERE ARE OTHER COMPANIES

WE'RE GONNA GO TO.

I KNOW A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE

WE CAN TALK TO.

RELAX.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

LET'S JUST BE HAPPY WITH WHAT WE

HAVE.

MM.

I MISSED YOU.

YEAH?

YEAH.

HOW MUCH?

A LOT.

REALLY?

MM-HMM.

HEY.

EVENING, MADAM.

WELCOME TO LIPNICK'S.

TABLE FOR TWO?

JUST ONE.

COME WITH ME.

YOUR WAITRESS WILL BE RIGHT WITH

YOU.

I SUPPOSE YOU'RE DYLAN?

YEAH.

HAVE WE MET BEFORE?

ALEX -ALEX BIRCH.

OH. HI.

IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU, AS WELL.

HEY, ALEX.

HEY.

WOW. WHAT A SURPRISE.

UH, THIS IS -THIS IS MY WIFE,

DYLAN.

DYLAN, THIS IS, UH... ALEX BIRCH.

I GOT IT.

SHE'S THE C.E.O. OF

GIRTHAN'S...

I AM JUST AN OLD HIGH SCHOOL

CLASSMATE.

MM-HMM.

YEAH.

MIKE TOLD ME.

UM, PLEASE MAKE YOURSELF

COMFORTABLE, AND WELCOME.

THANK YOU.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

WHY'D YOU GO TO FRESCO?

THEY'RE MY MAIN COMPETITORS.

UH, I -I TALKED TO, UM,

SOME OF THE -SOME OF THE...

SOME OF MY PARTNERS, AND, UM...

WELL, THEY WERE -THEY WERE

AFRAID OF A CONFLICT OF

INTEREST.

MIKE, CUT THE BULLSHIT.

YOU DON'T TRUST ME, DO YOU?

WHAT'S THIS?

PROOF OF TRUST.

CASH IT ANYTIME YOU SEE A RED

FLAG.

SO COME BY MY OFFICE, SIGN THE

CONTRACT, AND LET'S FINALIZE

THIS DEAL ONCE AND FOR ALL.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

WOULD YOU PUT THAT BACK IN

OUR POCKET, MIKE?

THAT'S A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY.

BY THE WAY, I THINK I'M REALLY

STARTING TO LIKE ALEX.

YOU CAN'T GET A BETTER PROOF

OF TRUST THAN THAT CHECK.

OKAY. SO WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU

KNOW ABOUT THE DIVORCE?

NOTHING OTHER THAN THE FACT

THAT SHE JUST HAD A ROUGH TIME.

OKAY, WELL, I HEARD

DIFFERENTLY AT THE REUNION LAST

YEAR.

APPARENTLY, SHE DUMPED THE GUY

AFTER ONE YEAR AND ENDED UP WITH

MOST OF HIS MONEY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S PROBABLY JUST A LOT OF

PEOPLE TALKING SMACK.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY

CARE, MIKE.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW.

IS THERE ANYTHING BETWEEN YOU

TWO?

DUDE, WE ALL WORKED HARD ON

THIS.

DAMN IT, SCOTT, ARE YOU NOT

SEEING THE FRICKIN' VALUE IN A

MILLION-DOLLAR CHECK?

ALL THOSE ZER...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? REALLY?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M NOT LETTING THIS COME

BETWEEN US.

I'M JUST RETURNING IT.

WHAT?

CAN YOU -CAN I...

JUST HOLD IT ONE LAST TIME?

HEY.

THERE WILL BE PLENTY TO HOLD IN

THE FUTURE, BUDDY.

FUCK!

YOU.

WHO ARE YOU, SIR?

YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.

YEAH, SO DO YOU.

YOU REMIND ME OF SOME A-HOLE

BACK IN PUNKTON, KANSAS, WHEN I

WAS A KID.

OH, YEAH, I REMEMBER YOU.

SORRY, KID.

I MEAN "SIR."

I WAS JUST DOING MY JOB.

COME ON IN.

YOU STILL PISSED AT ME?

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'D HAVE BEEN

4 INCHES SHORTER BACK THEN, I

WOULD HAVE TAUGHT YOU SOME

MANNERS.

YOU KNOW, SHE WAS HOME THAT

NIGHT.

SHE LIED TO ME?

I LIED.

SHE CRIED IN HER ROOM FOR DAYS,

MAYBE WEEKS.

BABY GIRL WAS IN SOME MAJOR

PAIN.

SEEMS BOSS MAN HAD SOME SORT OF

STICK UP HIS ASS ABOUT YOUR

FAMILY BEING TOO -TOO COMMON.

SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO RECEIVE

GREETINGS ON HER BIRTHDAY THESE

DAYS.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

TODAY'S HER BIRTHDAY?

YOU DIDN'T KNOW?

THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?

SHIT.

I SHOULD'VE BROUGHT A GIFT.

HOLY SHIT.

I KNOW.

WHO ELSE LIVES HERE WITH HER?

JUST HER.

THIS WAY.

NO HARD FEELINGS, SIR?

CARRY ON.

[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ]

HI.

[ INDISTINCT SINGING ]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

THANKS.

WHY DON'T YOU COME DOWN TO

LIPNICK'S?

WE'LL MAKE YOU A NICE BIRTHDAY

MEAL.

I WANT TO BE ALONE, MIKE.

I THINK I DESERVE THAT.

OH, COME ON.

DON'T BE LIKE THAT.

CAN YOU...

NEVER MIND.

WHAT?

CAN YOU SPARE, LIKE, THREE

HOURS FOR ME?

NO ONE ELSE?

I PROMISE -NO BUSINESS.

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

CAN YOU HEAR ME?!

NOW CAN YOU HEAR ME?

YES, I CAN.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HOLY COW!

WOW.

THIS WAS YOUR HUSBAND'S?

NO. IT WAS MY FAMILY'S.

BUT IT'S MINE NOW THAT MY DAD'S

PASSED AWAY.

WOW.

ACTUALLY, I'VE GOT SOME

CLOTHES FOR YOU, IF YOU WANT TO

CHANGE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

RIGHT THROUGH THERE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HI.

HERE YOU GO.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO

FOR YOU, MS. ROVERSON?

NO, THANK YOU.

YOU CAN GO HOME FOR THE REST OF

THE NIGHT.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

THANKS.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A MOVIE

THEATER INSIDE, AND I HAVE

"SUPERMAN" ALL CUED UP AND READY

TO GO.

"SUPERMAN" -WOW.

THAT BRINGS BACK MEMORIES.

I KNOW.

YOU WATCHED IT TWO TIMES IN A

ROW.

AT THE DRIVE-IN.

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

I WAS THERE...

IN THE LAST ROW...

WATCHING YOU.

I CAME THERE BECAUSE I WANTED TO

SAY GOODBYE, AND I WANTED TO

APOLOGIZE, BUT...

I WASN'T ALLOWED TO.

I TRIED EVERY EXCUSE IN THE BOOK

TO SNEAK OUT OF THAT CAR AND

COME SEE YOU, BUT THE DRIVER

WOULDN'T LET ME.

MY DAD'S ORDERS.

TO SUPERMAN.

TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE

AMERICAN WAY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU REMEMBER THAT SCENE WHEN

HE'S ABLE TO SPIN THE EARTH

BACKWARDS?

YEAH.

SOMETIMES I WISH I COULD SPIN

THE WORLD BACK 13 YEARS, YOU

KNOW?

ME TOO.

I -I CAN'T.

I UNDERSTAND.

I CAN'T, BUT...

SO, YOU GONNA TELL ME WHERE

YOU DISAPPEARED TO LAST NIGHT?

OH, UM...

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU.

I WENT TO ALEX'S OFFICE.

YEAH, SCOTT TOLD ME, BUT I

THOUGHT THAT WAS YESTERDAY

AFTERNOON.

YEAH.

YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YESTERDAY WAS HER BIRTHDAY, AND

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.

YEAH, THEY HAD A BIG BEACH PARTY

FOR HER OUT AT HER HOUSE IN

MALIBU.

I COULDN'T SAY NO.

I WAS GONNA CALL YOU, BUT...

OH, THAT'S FINE.

JUST DIDN'T WANT YOU TO DRINK

AND DRIVE.

JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

WE HAD A VERY GOOD MEETING

WITH FRESCO.

YOU WANT TO KNOW THE WAY I SEE

IT?

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, FRESCO MADE A

VALID POINT -WE SHOULD START

WITH FIVE BRANCHES.

THAT WAY, WE ALL GET TO BED ON

TIME, WE STILL REACH OUR GOAL.

JESUS, GRANDPA, WHAT ARE YOU,

80?

WE NEED TO ENTER THIS THING WITH

A BIG BANG.

CAN'T LEAVE ROOM FOR LOTS OF

LITTLE COPYCAT'S TO START

POPPING UP.

YEAH, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY

WE TOOK THAT MEETING TODAY.

I MEAN, WE HAVE A BETTER DEAL AT

GIRTHAN'S.

THANK YOU.

DID YOU FUCK HER?

SCOTTY.

JUST CHECKING.

HA!

AH.

RICK, COULD YOU GIVE US A

MINUTE?

COULD YOU GIVE US A MINUTE,

PLEASE?

GOT IT.

OKAY, LOOK, I'M SORRY.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT.

BUT WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT,

MIKE?

HUH?

SCOTTY, LET'S TALK BUSINESS,

OKAY?

NO BIASES, NO CONFLICTS OF

INTEREST.

SHE IS GIVING US THE DEAL OF A

LIFETIME.

I NEVER DISAGREED WITH THAT.

AND FOR THE RECORD, SHE DID

NOT STAND ME UP AT PROM.

IT WAS HER DAD, NOT HER.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO HER

CHECK?

DID YOU RETURN IT?

SCOTT, SCOTTY, SCOTTSTER...

DO NOT FUCK THIS UP.

JUST LET'S LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.

AS LONG AS WE'RE MAKING A PILE

OF CASH, WHO REALLY CARES WHO

FUCKS WHO?

YEAH, UH...

SCOTTY...

NO GOOF-UPS.

TRUST ME.

YEAH, I PROMISE.

WELL, I THINK THE PROPOSAL IS

PERFECT AS IS, SO I'M SIGNING

OFF ON IT.

WE HAVE A DEAL.

WE HAVE A DEAL.

WE HAVE A DEAL.

♪ I THINK YOU KNOW ♪

♪ YOU KNOW THE TRUTH ♪

♪ YOU CAN SEE IT IN MY EYES ♪

THAT'S COMING UP.

THAT ONE.

♪ EVERY TIME I LOOK THROUGH

YOU ♪

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

♪ IT WON'T BE LONG ♪

♪ A YEAR, MAYBE TWO ♪

♪ TILL I'M COMING TO YOU ♪

♪ COMING HOME TO YOU ♪

♪ THERE SHE IS ♪

♪ THE WOMAN OF THE HOUR ♪

♪ SO NAIVE TO ALL MY SCHEMING ♪

♪ SO UNAWARE OF MY POWER ♪

♪ SHE'LL SCRATCH AND SCREAM ♪

♪ SCRATCH AND SCREAM ♪

♪ TO KEEP ME AT BAY ♪

♪ OH, BUT SHE CAN'T KEEP

ME AWAY ♪

♪ NO, SHE CAN'T KEEP ME AWAY ♪

♪ YOU FEEL THE SPARK ♪

♪ I KNOW YOU DO ♪

♪ THAT EMBRACE OF ONE DESIRE ♪

[ BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY ]

I LOVE YOU.

I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY

LIFE WITH YOU.

I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE HAD PASSED

ME BY UNTIL I SAW YOU AGAIN.

I'M COMMITTED, MIKE.

I'M WILLING TO BE IN THIS FOR

THE LONG HAUL.

BUT IT'S UP TO YOU.

I'LL WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS TO

HEAR YOUR ANSWER.

I FUCKIN' KNEW IT.

YOU PLAYING WITH PEOPLE'S LIVES

AGAIN?

YOU...

YOU ARE A DANGEROUS MAN TO KNOW,

MIKE.

I KNOW. I'M SORRY.

[ SIGHS ]

WHAT DO I TELL DYLAN?

I'M NOT A FREAKIN' COUNSELOR,

MIKE.

WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?

"DO I DUMP MY WIFE BEFORE I

CLOSE THE DEAL?

OR DO I CLOSE THE DEAL, THEN

DUMP HER?"

WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF

YOU WERE ME?

ME?

I WOULD'VE TAKEN KIMBERLY TO

THE PROM 13 YEARS AGO, OKAY?

THAT'S WHAT I WOULD'VE DONE.

DUDE, COME ON, LIKE...

I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP.

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.

WHY DO YOU KEEP GETTING

YOURSELF IN THE SAME SITUATIONS

OVER AND OVER?

HMM?

YOU GOT A RICH GIRL ON ONE SIDE

AND A POOR ONE ON THE OTHER.

YOU CALLING ME A GOLD DIGGER?

I'LL ANSWER THAT LATER.

FIRST, YOU TELL ME -DID YOU

SLEEP WITH HER OR NOT?

OH, SHIT.

DO YOU LOVE HER?

OH, SHIT!

WHAT DO I DO?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!

REMEMBER, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO

LOOKS AT EVERYTHING ON THE

BRIGHT SIDE.

[ SCOFFS ]

TELL YOU WHAT.

DO BOTH WOMEN. HMM?

DO BOTH WOMEN, KEEP THE

FRANCHISE, AND TWO HELICOPTERS,

TOO, HMM?

AND I'LL STAY QUIET FOR LIFE.

KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE I'M YOUR BEST -I'M YOUR

BEST FRIEND.

YOU'RE DRUNK. COME ON.

LET ME GO.

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT NEEDS A

HAND.

FINISH THAT.

"DEAREST DYLAN.

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS

TO TELL YOU THIS IN PERSON.

I HAVE SO MUCH GRATITUDE FOR YOU

IN MY HEART FOR ALL THE LOVE AND

EVERYTHING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY

HAVE DONE FOR ME.

BUT I HAVEN'T LIVED UP TO YOUR

LOVE.

I HAVE A CONFESSION.

I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH ALEX.

PERHAPS I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH

HER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

SHE WAS MY CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART.

UNTIL THE PAST FEW MONTHS, TO

ME, SHE WAS A DREAM UNFULFILLED.

I RECENTLY FOUND OUT THAT I WAS

HER DREAM, TOO.

WHEN WE RECONNECTED AFTER SUCH A

LONG TIME, WE INSTANTLY FELT

THAT NOTHING BETWEEN US HAS

CHANGED WITH TIME.

IN FACT, OUR LOVE HAS GROWN IN

THE LAST FEW WEEKS.

IF I DENY THESE FEELINGS, I'LL

BE A LOUSY HUSBAND CHEATING ON A

LOYAL, WONDERFUL WIFE LIKE YOU.

YOU DESERVE MORE.

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

IT IS WITH SORROW THAT I AM

WRITING THIS TO YOU TO REQUEST A

DIVORCE... HOPEFULLY ONE WITHOUT

TOO MUCH ANIMOSITY."

[ BRAKES SQUEALING ]

OKAY.

HE'S HERE, HE'S HERE.

MIKE'S HERE.

HE'S HERE.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THAT EASILY.

COME ON OVER HERE.

COME.

COME ON.

COME IN. ZITS.

SIT.

SO, NOW THAT WE HAVE OUR MAN,

LET ME SAY A FEW WORDS.

AS YOU ALL KNOW, OUR BELOVED

MIKE SURPRISED US VERY MUCH WITH

HIS UNEXPECTED JEWISHNESS AND

HIS TOTAL CONVERSION.

AND RECENTLY, HE SURPRISED US

WITH HIS LIPNICK'S FRANCHISE

PLAN.

HE'S A MAN OF MANY SURPRISES.

SO NOW IT'S OUR TURN.

TIME TO GIVE MIKE THE SURPRISE

OF HIS LIFE, AND WHEN HE HEARS

THIS, BELIEVE ME -HE WON'T

FORGET THIS DAY SO LONG AS HE

LIVES.

SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, I WANT

TO ANNOUNCE TODAY...

THAT...

I'M GONNA BE A

GREAT-GRANDFATHER!

[ LAUGHING ]

A GREAT-GRANDPA!

MAZEL TOV!

AND MIKE'S GONNA BE A FATHER!

EVERYBODY, RAISE YOUR GLASS.

L'CHAIM! L'CHAIM.

WHAT A MITZVAH.

OH, LOOK AT THEM.

WHAT A COUPLE.

OH, THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.

NICE, BEAUTIFUL JEWISH CHILDREN

THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE.

OH, MY.

MAZEL TOV.

OH, OH, IT'S SO WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU.

OH, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

OY. YOU'LL HAVE TWINS, MAYBE

QUINTUPLETS.

OH, A BUNCH OF LITTLE JEWISH

BABIES RUNNING AROUND!

HOLY SHIT.

HOLY SHIT.

HOLY SHIT.

SCOTTY.

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

SCOTTY, PICK UP.

PICK UP, PICK UP.

HEY, DUDE, WHAT'S UP?

SHE'S PREGNANT.

WHO?

WHAT?

I'M SORRY, BUT WITH YOU, I

NEED TO ASK WHO.

DYLAN.

HOLY SHIT.

EXACTLY.

THERE'S MORE.

ALWAYS.

I SENT AN E-MAIL TO HER

TELLING HER ABOUT ALEX.

YOU SENT AN E-MAIL?

THAT'S HARSH.

SCOTTY, FOCUS, OKAY?

FOCUS.

HELP NOW, JUDGE LATER.

I NEED YOU TO CALL YOUR TECH

GUYS AND ASK THEM HOW TO RECOVER

AN E-MAIL.

DON'T YOU KNOW HER PASSWORD?

NO!

SHIT.

MIKE, THERE'S NO WAY TO RECALL

AN E-MAIL.

TRUST ME.

SHIT.

SHIT.

SHIT.

OKAY.

OKAY, MIKE.

GET IT TOGETHER.

GET IT TOGETHER, MIKE.

GET IT TOGETHER.

AAH.

THERE'S AT LEAST 50

RESTAURANTS HERE.

I NEVER, EVER THOUGHT WE'D BE

ABLE TO RETIRE, BUT IF THIS

WORKS OUT, MAYBE WE CAN.

OR AT LEAST CUT BACK ON OUR

HOURS.

RETIRE?

OH, SWEETHEART.

WE'RE NOT GONNA RETIRE.

WE'RE JUST GONNA BEGIN TO LIVE.

I GOT TO GO.

OKAY. I'LL SEE YOU AT HOME.

I'LL SHOW THEM THE REST.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.

HE DID THIS ALL HIMSELF.

[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ]

♪ YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT

ABOUT ME ♪

♪ IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER

ANYWAY ♪

♪ ALL ALONE HERE WITH MEMORIES ♪

♪ I'M MY OWN WORST ENEMY

THESE DAYS ♪

SORRY.

DIDN'T MEAN TO WAKE YOU UP.

I WASN'T SLEEPING.

I WAS AT THE OFFICE WITH

SCOTT, AND THEN WE WENT TO

DINNER, AND...

IT'S OKAY.

COME ON IN.

I READ YOUR E-MAIL.

I'M SORRY.

OKAY? I...

I WOULDN'T HAVE SENT IT IF I HAD

KNOWN -THE NEWS EARLIER.

SO, YOU WOULD HAVE CONTINUED

TO CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE?

FOR HOW LONG?

NO. NO, NO.

I -I DON'T MEAN THAT.

I JUST MEAN I WOULD'VE WAITED

FOR THE -THE RIGHT TIME.

THE RIGHT TIME.

AND WHEN WOULD THAT BE?

DYLAN, I AM SORRY.

OKAY?

IT'S JUST I'M KIND OF IN A

CORNER RIGHT NOW.

SHE WANTS TO LEAVE BY CHRISTMAS,

AND SHE WANTED AN ANSWER BEFORE

THEN.

OH.

OH, SHE DOES, DOES SHE?

[ SCOFFS ]

OKAY.

WELL, AT FIRST, I WAS UPSET.

AFTER I CALMED MYSELF DOWN A

BIT, I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

I TRIED TO BE OBJECTIVE...

TRIED TO UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU

WERE COMING FROM.

THANK YOU.

AND I'VE COME TO A DECISION.

THE ANSWER IS NO.

WHAT?

YOU HEARD ME.

NO.

W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN "NO"?

NO TO WHAT?

TO A DIVORCE.

NO.

I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU'RE

COMING FROM.

OKAY, KNOWING WHAT WE KNOW NOW,

I'M NOT GONNA INSIST ON IT RIGHT

AWAY, OBVIOUSLY.

NO. NOT BY TOMORROW, NOT BY

CHRISTMAS, NOT BY ANY DEADLINE

SHE MAY GIVE YOU.

I'M NOT SIGNING DIVORCE PAPERS

FOR YOU EVER IN MY LIFE, PERIOD.

GOOD NIGHT.

SO, YOU HAVE TO GO BY

CHRISTMAS?

LOOK, I UNDERSTAND YOUR

DILEMMA, MIKE.

JUST LET ME GO.

BE WITH HER.

I'M NOT GONNA FORCE YOU INTO

ANYTHING.

AND DON'T WORRY.

I'M NOT GONNA BACK OUT OF THE

FRANCHISE DEAL.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M WORRIED

ABOUT.

SHE'S PREGNANT.

WOW.

CONGRATULATIONS.

THAT'S EXCITING.

YOU ARE GONNA BE A GREAT DAD.

I HOPE YOUR BABY GETS THOSE

BEAUTIFUL LONG EYELASHES.

I WASN'T READY FOR THIS.

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU AGAIN,

ALEX.

OKAY.

I CAN WAIT.

HOW LONG DO YOU THINK?

I'M AFRAID IT MAY NEVER

HAPPEN.

OKAY.

HEY, IT'S ALL RIGHT, MIKE.

I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

NO, IT'S NOT ME.

SHE SAID NO -NO TO THE

DIVORCE -NOT NOW, NOT EVER.

OH, MY GOSH.

SHE SOUNDS LIKE JUST LIKE MY

EX-HUSBAND.

HE NEVER WANTED TO LET ME GO,

EITHER.

THAT BLOODSUCKING LEECH.

SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO

SIGN THAT PRENUP.

SO STUPID.

NEVER SIGN A PRENUPTIAL

AGREEMENT WITHOUT READING IT

CAREFULLY.

THERE ARE SO MANY SNAKES TO BITE

YOU ON THE ASS THAT THE DEVIL'S

PITCHFORK UP THE WAZOO IS GONNA

COME AS A WELCOME RELIEF BY

COMPARISON.

SCOTT, HOW COULD YOU NOT LET ME

READ THIS FUCKING BIBLE?

I WOULD'VE DONE IT FOR FREE!

AND YOU!

YOU -HOW DO YOU SIGN THIS

THING WITHOUT GIVING IT TO ME

FIRST?!

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO, OKAY.

HERE IS THE CLAUSE THAT'S THE

KILLER.

IF YOU ASK FOR A DIVORCE,YOU

HAVE TO ARRANGE A FORMAL DIVORCE

CEREMONY.

SUCH CEREMONY MUST CONSIST OF

THE GUESTS ATTENDED THE WEDDING

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

IT HAS TO TAKE PLACE IN THE SAME

WEDDING VENUE.

THE COUPLE WILL WEAR THE SAME

ATTIRE FROM THEIR WEDDING DAY,

AND ONLY THEN IS SHE LEGALLY

BOUND TO SIGN YOUR DIVORCE

APPLICATION.

ON TOP OF THAT, YOU ALSO HAVE

THE BURDEN OF EXPLAINING YOUR

REASONS FOR YOUR DIVORCE.

THE CEREMONY WILL BE FOLLOWED BY

A LAVISH DINNER AND DANCING,

WHICH WILL BE PAID FOR...

BY YOU.

IN SHORT, SHE'S A GENIUS.

[ LAUGHING ]

SHE'S GOT YOU BY THE BALLS.

YOU'RE FUCKED.

[ LAUGHING ]

WELCOME TO THE CLUB.

ALTHOUGH I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS.

THERE'S A 10% DISCOUNT ON THE

PEOPLE ATTENDING.

[ LAUGHING ]

GOOD LUCK, BUDDY!

[ LAUGHING CONTINUE ]

BASTARD.

CON MAN.

HE PULLED THE "I'LL BE JEWISH"

WOOL OVER OUR EYES.

YOU MEAN YOUR EYES.

I TOLD YOU IT WASN'T A PROPER

CONVERSION.

WHY WOULD YOU LET THAT

BASTARD LIVE IN YOUR PLACE?

WHY DON'T YOU KICK HIM OUT?

GRANDPA!

HOW DOES THAT HELP ME?

AT LEAST I'LL HAVE SOMEBODY TO

CALL 911 IN CASE, GOD FORBID,

SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME IN THE

MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

WELL, YOU MOVE IN WITH US.

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

WHY SHOULD YOU?

IT'S HIS RESPONSIBILITY, TOO.

NOWADAYS, THEY SAY, "WE ARE

PREGNANT."

WHY SHOULD HE HAVE THE EASY WAY

OUT?

LET HIM DO HIS SHARE.

HAVING A BABY IS A BLISS.

HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE ANY

PART OF IT.

IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD KICK HIM

SO FAR AWAY THAT EVEN HIS SHADOW

COULDN'T TOUCH THAT BABY.

ENOUGH!

25 YEARS AGO, YOU CHASED

DELILAH'S FATHER AWAY WITH THE

SAME ATTITUDE, AND WHAT WAS THE

RESULT?

HE NEVER EVEN SHOWED UP FOR

RACHEL'S FUNERAL.

AND WHO SUFFERED THE MOST?

DELILAH.

THIS CHILD HAS NEVER EVEN SEEN

HER FATHER IN HER ENTIRE LIFE.

I'M SO SORRY TO BRING THIS UP

NOW, HONEY.

THIS IS NOT OUR DECISION TO

MAKE.

IT'S MIKE.

WAIT, WAIT, PLEASE.

LET ME TALK TO HIM NOW.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

HEY, GRANDPA PAUL.

HI.

[ SIGHS ]

I'M ASSUMING DYLAN TOLD YOU.

YES, SHE TOLD US.

I JUST WANT TO SAY I HAVE THE

HIGHEST REGARD FOR YOU AND

ELAINE.

I THINK DYLAN IS A WONDERFUL,

WONDERFUL WOMAN.

I TRULY LOVE HER.

I REALLY DO.

IT'S JUST, UH, YOU KNOW,

SOMETIMES FATE KIND OF PLAYS

TRICKS ON YOU, AND...

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D RUN INTO

ALEX AGAIN IN THE REST OF MY

LIFE, BUT...

I DID, AND, UNFORTUNATELY, IT

JUST KIND OF...

HAPPENED AT THE WRONG TIME.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

DYLAN IS NOT REALLY OF A

SOUND MIND TO LISTEN TO ME, SO I

WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD TALK

TO HER AND GET HER TO SIGN THESE

PAPERS.

IF YOU DO, WE CAN JUST AVOID THE

WHOLE PRENUP AND JUST...

MOVE ON.

MY GRANDDAUGHTER NEVER CARED

FOR MY ADVICE, EVEN WHEN SHE WAS

CHOOSING A SPOUSE.

BUT DON'T BE DISCOURAGED.

I'LL DO MY VERY BEST TO HELP YOU

OUT WITH YOUR DIVORCE.

LIVING TOGETHER AFTER THIS ISN'T

GOOD FOR ANYONE.

WAIT.

AND, YOU KNOW, I WILL DO MY

BEST TO WORK ON THE FRANCHISE.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

OH. IS THIS THE PRENUP?

I ALREADY HAVE A COPY.

NO, IT'S THE GUEST LIST FROM

YOUR WEDDING.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE

GONNA HELP ME.

I JUST DID.

I'M NOW OFFICIALLY BUTTING OUT

OF YOUR LIVES.

GOOD LUCK.

HONEY, YOU'RE GOING ABOUT

THIS ALL THE WRONG WAY.

STOP THINKING OF THIS AS JUST

YOUR DIVORCE AND START THINKING

OF THIS AS A CELEBRATION OF OUR

LIVES TOGETHER.

START HAVING FUN WITH IT, AND IF

YOU DO, THEN THE GUESTS WILL BE

MORE LIKELY TO COME.

JUST THINK ABOUT IT.

HOW MANY DIVORCEéS WILL EVER

HAVE THIS KIND OF AN

OPPORTUNITY?

[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ FREE, FREE, LOVE FOR SALE ♪

♪ I'M FREE, FREE ♪

♪ OUT ON BAIL ♪

♪ I'M FREE, FREE ♪

♪ OUT OF JAIL ♪

♪ AND THE GRASS GROWS GREENER

WAY UP THE HILL ♪

♪ I'M FREE, FREE ♪

♪ CHEERS TO YOU ♪

♪ I'M FREE, FREE ♪

♪ SO ARE YOU ♪

GOOD LUCK.

♪ AND I WON'T BE COMING HOME

ANYTIME SOON ♪

♪ I'M FREE, FREE ♪

♪ LOVE FOR SALE ♪

♪ I'M FREE, FREE ♪

♪ OUT ON BAIL ♪

♪ I'M FREE, FREE ♪

♪ OUT OF JAIL ♪

♪ AND THE GRASS GROWS GREENER

WAY UP THE HILL ♪

EVERY DAY, EVERY HOUR YOU'RE

ON THE ROAD.

IT'S A CARMAGGEDDON FOR YOU,

DICK.

DON'T CALL HIM THAT NEAR MY

SCHOOL, MOM!

BE QUIET.

MOMMY AND DADDY ARE TALKING.

IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN TAKE

AWAY MY DAY WITH HIM.

NO?

NO.

♪ AND I'M FREE, FREE, FREE ♪

♪ LOVE FOR SALE ♪

♪ I'M FREE, FREE ♪

♪ OUT ON BAIL ♪

♪ I'M FREE, FREE ♪

♪ OUT OF JAIL ♪

♪ AND THE GRASS GROWS GREENER

WAY UP THE HILL ♪

♪ I'M FREE, FREE ♪

♪ CHEERS TO YOU ♪

♪ I'M FREE, FREE ♪

♪ SO ARE YOU ♪

[ LAUGHING ]

THIS IS HILARIOUS!

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, YOU GOT TO ACCEPT THIS FUNNY

GIFT.

HI. COME TO MY DIVORCE.

YOU ARE COMING TO MY DIVORCE.

DIVORCE CEREMONY.

HENLEY'S ONLY, OKAY?

WHAT THE FUCK?

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

SOME HIGH-SCHOOL FRIEND?

SOME COLLEGE ROOMMATE?

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS, BRAD?

HONEY, I HAVE NO IDEA.

I SWEAR TO GOD, I DON'T EVEN

KNOW WHO THIS IDIOT IS.

BRAD, IT'S ME...

MIKE CHRISTIAN.

I'M DYLAN LIPNICK'S HUSBAND.

OH! OH, YEAH!

SO YOU DO KNOW HIM!

DID YOU JUST LIE TO ME?

I MEAN -I DON'T EXACTLY

KNOW...

FUCK YOU!

HOW DARE YOU FUCKING LIE TO ME

ON MY FUCKING WEDDING DAY BEFORE

MY FUCKING HONEYMOON?!

OHH!

AAH!

SO, A YOUNG JEWISH COUPLE

GETS SUCCESSFULLY DIVORCED, BUT

THE WIFE SAYS TO THE JUDGE, "NOW

I HAVE TO APPLY FOR A GET."

AND THE JUDGE SAYS, "GET WHAT?"

SHE SAYS, "NO, THAT'S THE NAME

FOR A JEWISH CEREMONY WHICH IS

FOR A DIVORCE."

AND HE SAYS, "OH, I UNDERSTAND.

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU MEAN LIKE A

BRIS."

SHE SAYS, "YES, EXCEPT THAT IN A

BRIS, IT'S ONE THING.

IN A GET, YOU GET TO GET RID OF

THE ENTIRE SCHMUCK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HEY, THERE.

YOU AND ME -DIVORCE CEREMONY.

THANKS.

COME HERE.

LOOK WHAT HE BRINGS ME -A

DIVORCE INVITATION.

♪ I'M FREE, FREE ♪

♪ CHEERS TO YOU ♪

♪ I'M FREE, FREE ♪

♪ SO ARE YOU ♪

HI.

I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO MY

DIVORCE.

IS IT TRUE YOU'RE ACTUALLY

SEEKING A DIVORCE FROM DYLAN?

UH... NO COMMENT.

♪ OH, I'M FREE ♪

♪ FREE ♪

♪ FREE, FREE ♪

♪ CHEERS TO YOU ♪

♪ I'M FREE, FREE ♪

♪ SO ARE YOU ♪

♪ I'M FREE, FREE ♪

♪ SKIES ARE BLUE ♪

♪ AND I WON'T BE COMING HOME

ANYTIME SOON ♪

YOU ARE COMING TO MY DIVORCE.

BE THERE.

HEY, PAUL AND AMBER.

DIVORCE INVITATION.

I'LL SEE YOU THERE, OKAY?

OH, MY GOD! IT'S MIKE!

OH, MY GOD! MIKE!

I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE!

I WAS HOPING THAT YOU WERE GONNA

COME.

I SAW YOU ON THE COVER OF THAT

ONE MAGAZINE.

IS THIS FOR ME?

YOU'RE COMING TO MY DIVORCE.

SEE YOU THERE.

OKAY.

I ACTUALLY THINK I'M GONNA

BRING A PLUS-ONE BECAUSE I

DIDN'T BRING ANYONE THE LAST

TIME.

JOSEPH ARMSTRONG IN THE

HOUSE!

THAT'S BECAUSE THERE WASN'T

AN OPEN BAR, BUT THIS TIME, I

THINK THERE'S GOING TO BE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND I'M DONE!

THAT'S IT!

ACCORDING TO THE PRENUPTIAL

AGREEMENT, IT IS INCUMBENT UPON

THE PERSON WHO INITIATED THE

DIVORCE TO INVITE ALL OF THOSE

WHO ATTENDED THE ORIGINAL

WEDDING -MINUS 10%.

MR. CHRISTIAN HAS DONE THIS

SUCCESSFULLY.

AS DECREED IN THE PRENUPTIAL

AGREEMENT, MRS. CHRISTIAN MUST

SIGN THE DIVORCE PETITION.

WELL...

IT FEELS WEIRD TO BE OFFERING

CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU, MIKE.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD PULL IT

OFF.

I HAVE NEVER HAD SUCH A STRONG

BOND WITH ANYONE AS I HAVE WITH

YOU.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO IN LOVE.

AND I THOUGHT YOU FELT THE SAME

WAY.

I GUESS I WAS WRONG.

IN THE PAST FEW WEEKS, I'VE SEEN

HOW MUCH TROUBLE MIKE HAS GONE

THROUGH TO GET ALL OF YOU HERE

TODAY.

HE HAS SHOWN TREMENDOUS

PERSISTENCE TO END THIS MARRIAGE

AND UNITE WITH ALEX.

MAYBE THAT MEANS SHE DESERVES

HIM MORE THAN I DO.

AND NOW, ACCORDING TO THE

PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT...

MR. CHRISTIAN WILL REVEAL HIS

REASONS FOR A DIVORCE.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

THANK YOU, DYLAN.

AND THANK YOU, ALL, FOR COMING

TODAY AND SPARING YOUR VALUABLE

TIME FOR ME.

GETTING ALL YOU HERE WAS NO EASY

TASK, I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT.

IT WAS NO FUN HAVING DOORS

SLAMMED IN MY FACE, GETTING THE

EVIL EYE ON THE STREET, BEING

SPAT UPON, PUNCHED IN THE FACE,

AND TOLD I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON

FOR DESERTING MY PREGNANT WIFE.

THIS LITTLE... EVENT WAS NOT MY

IDEA.

IT ALL HAPPENED BECAUSE DYLAN

SLIPPED A LITTLE CLAUSE IN OUR

PRENUP...

A CLAUSE I NEVER BOTHERED TO

READ.

OTHERWISE, I NEVER WOULD HAVE

HAD TO FACE THIS SHIT STORM AND

SEE ALL OF YOU, BUT I DID.

AND TODAY, I AM A WINNER...

[ APPLAUSE ]

A WINNER NOT JUST BECAUSE I

GOT MY WAY, BUT BECAUSE I MADE

THE JOURNEY.

I FOLLOWED THROUGH ON THIS.

IT WAS A JOURNEY OF MEETING

PEOPLE, TALKING WITH THEM,

REASONING WITH SOME, ARGUING

WITH OTHERS, LISTENING TO THEIR

PAINS, THEIR TURMOILS, THEIR

SUCCESSES, THEIR FAILURES, THEIR

MISTAKES AND THEIR REGRETS...

THEIR LIFE LESSONS.

NOW, I WAS MAD AT DYLAN FOR

MAKING ME COME HERE TODAY.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS A SELFISH,

STUBBORN WOMAN...

UNTIL I RAN INTO A SINGLE MOM

WITH FIVE KIDS WHO ASKED ME A

QUESTION.

SHE SAID, "WHAT IF DYLAN HAD

INSTIGATED THE DIVORCE?

WOULD SHE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE

SAME HELL?"

SO, I READ THE PRENUP AGAIN,

AND, SURE AS SHIT, SHE'D HAVE TO

GO THROUGH THE SAME HELL I DID.

THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED THAT THIS

CLAUSE WASN'T EVIL AFTER ALL.

IT WAS FAIR -TO BOTH OF US.

AND IT WAS FAIR TO OUR UNBORN

CHILD THAT THE PARENTS AREN'T

GONNA JUST WALK AWAY FROM EACH

OTHER.

I REALIZED THAT THIS -THIS

LONG JOURNEY THAT I HAD TO TAKE

WAS THE PERFECT COUNSELING FOR A

TORN, CONFUSED MAN LIKE ME.

WHEN I PUT ON THIS SUIT TODAY, I

WAS REMINDED HOW I FELT ON MY

WEDDING DAY.

I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT

THE WORD "LOVE" LATELY.

LOVE IS A...

POWERFUL EMOTION.

LOVE IS THIS...

INDESCRIBABLE FEELING YOU GET

WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE WHO YOU

KNOW WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU...

WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE WITH A LIFE

GROWING INSIDE OF THEM, A LIFE

YOU HELPED CREATE.

LOVE IS STICKING IT OUT.

LIVING WITH SOMEONE DAY AFTER

DAY, WAKING UP NEXT TO THEM

EVERY MORNING WITH THEIR BAD

BREATH AND THEIR HAIR MATTED TO

ONE SIDE OF THEIR HEAD, AND YOU

JUST LOOK AT THEM AND YOU THINK,

"GOD, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL."

THAT'S LOVE.

DYLAN, I'VE GIVEN YOU EVERY

REASON NOT TO LOVE ME...

AND ONLY ONE REASON TO.

I LOVE YOU.

YOU ONCE SAID TO ME, YOU SAID,

IF ONLY YOUR THESIS COULD CHANGE

ONE PERSON...

IT DID.

I'M SORRY, ALEX.

I HAVE TO DO THIS.

SO, IN FRONT OF ALL OF YOU...

I AM BEGGING YOU, DYLAN, TO

PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR ALL THE

PAIN THAT I HAVE CAUSED YOU.

DYLAN, WILL YOU REMARRY ME?

Both: YES!

YES.

YES, BUT...

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK FOR

IT.

I PROMISE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]

MAZEL TOV!

♪ FEELS SO GOOD THIS

MORNING ♪

♪ I WANT TO LEAP BEFORE I LOOK

AROUND ♪

♪ I KNOW THAT I'M FALLING ♪

♪ I THINK IT'S WHAT THIS LIFE'S

ABOUT ♪

♪ WHAT YOU SAY IS INFATUATION ♪

♪ CALL IT PASSION ♪

♪ NO SIN, NO CRIME ♪

♪ IN FACT, I'M TRULY GRATEFUL ♪

♪ PROMISE OF LOVE SEEMS SO

ALIVE ♪

♪ LET'S SEE ♪

♪ LET'S SEE ♪

♪ TAKE IT OUTSIDE ♪

ALL RIGHT, NOW LISTEN UP!

NOW, ALL OF YOU WHO HAD SEX LAST

NIGHT...

YEAH!

LET'S GO!

STEP UP!

GET YOUR PICTURE TA-OH!

ALL RIGHT!

COUPLE LATE BLOOMERS.

COUPLE LATE BLOOMERS.

OKAY, OKAY.

UH-OH.

OH!

OH!

NO KISSING AND TELLING, BUDDY.

ALL RIGHT, NOW...

THOSE OF YOU WHO HAD SEX WITH

THE GROOM!

SOMEBODY GOT TO BE IN WITH THE

GROOM!

SORRY, DYLAN.

OH!

OKAY, MAMA.

YEAH, COME HERE.

RRR!

[ CHUCKLES ]

THANKS FOR PLAYING.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, THOSE OF YOU WHO

WERE SCREWED BY THE GROOM.

YEAH!

[ CROWD OHHs ]

AWW!

PICK YOUR HEAD UP, BUDDY.

PICK YOUR HEAD UP, BUDDY.

COME ON.

SMILE ABOUT IT.

IT'S A CELEBRATION.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

A GOOD SPORT.

NOW, THOSE OF YOU...

WHO SCREWED THE GROOM, BIG-TIME.

SOMEBODY DID.

[ CROWD "OOHs" ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

OHH! UGH!

HEY! OH!

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, HEY, UM...

HURTED ME MORE THAN IT HURTED

YOU.

MIGHT NEED SOME COUNSELING

ON

THAT ONE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, THOSE OF YOU,

WHO, UNFORTUNATELY...

SAW THE GROOM BUTT NAKED HAVING

SEX.

THAT WAS US!

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT WAS US!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GET IN.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

MICHAEL...

DON'T TOUCH HIM.

STAY AWAY FROM HIM.

STAY AWAY FROM HIM.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, THOSE OF YOU...

WHO WOULD LIKE TO GO ON A

HONEYMOON WITH THE GROOM,

COME ON DOWN!

YEAH, SEE?

SHE WANTS TO GO.

HERE THEY...

BOY, THEY...

OH! [ LAUGHS ]

I'M STARTING TO THINK SOMETHING

HERE.

YOU LOVE IT.

AND ONCE YOU GO MIKE, YOU DON'T

GO ANYWHERE ELSE.

THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO

TELL ME?

NO. NO, THERE'S NOTHING.

THERE IS NOTHING.

OKAY, JUST MAKING SURE.

LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST...

I FEEL LIKE WE ALL WANT TO DO

THIS -WHO WANTS TO GO ON A

HONEYMOON WITH THE BRIDE?

THAT'S ALL OF YOU!

THAT'S EVERYBODY!

THAT'S ALL OF YOU!

YOU'RE KIDDING ME!

NO! SHE'S MINE!

UNH-UNH! NO!

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

[ LAUGHING ]

WHOO!

GET IT, MAN!

♪ I'M STAYING WITH YOU ♪