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1
00:00:22,270 --> 00:00:25,910
- Ashtray.
- But also last beer, so...
2
00:00:26,150 --> 00:00:27,350
- Morph !
- What ?
3
00:00:27,430 --> 00:00:28,830
Am I a terrible person ?
4
00:00:28,910 --> 00:00:29,910
What ? No.
5
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:33,430
You're Kent effing Blackwell,
the Jaffa Cake of men.
6
00:00:33,670 --> 00:00:36,590
What if no-one will love me because
I've got that weird ball thing ?
7
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:38,270
Everyone has a weird ball thing.
8
00:00:38,350 --> 00:00:40,950
Or pubes that come up really far,
or a hairy tit.
9
00:00:41,030 --> 00:00:44,510
Hey, it's one hair
that just keeps coming back !
10
00:00:45,790 --> 00:00:47,470
What ?
I don't have any weird things.
11
00:00:47,550 --> 00:00:48,950
He's got a mole
on each butt cheek.
12
00:00:49,030 --> 00:00:50,790
It makes his arse look
like a pair of tits.
13
00:00:50,870 --> 00:00:51,910
Judas !
14
00:00:58,670 --> 00:00:59,750
So we are agreed.
15
00:00:59,830 --> 00:01:02,830
Everyone is going to show
everyone else everything.
16
00:01:02,910 --> 00:01:04,750
Yes, it will bring us
all closer together.
17
00:01:04,830 --> 00:01:07,590
We'll have an unbreakable bond
for all of eternity.
18
00:01:07,670 --> 00:01:08,990
Steady on, mate. Yeah.
19
00:01:09,070 --> 00:01:10,070
Sorry.
20
00:01:11,910 --> 00:01:12,910
Three...
21
00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:14,590
- Two...
- One...
22
00:01:14,670 --> 00:01:15,830
Draw !
23
00:01:21,510 --> 00:01:24,270
Right. Your turn, guys.
24
00:01:25,390 --> 00:01:27,790
That was a mistake.
Let's get fucked up.
25
00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:29,590
Really quickly.
26
00:01:32,430 --> 00:01:33,590
Guys ?
27
00:01:35,030 --> 00:01:36,390
Guys, it's just an arse.
28
00:01:38,470 --> 00:01:41,430
WASTED
29
00:01:41,910 --> 00:01:44,390
Season 1
Episode 5
30
00:01:50,510 --> 00:01:52,030
Everyone was so wasted
last night,
31
00:01:52,110 --> 00:01:54,590
I guess no-one can remember
anything that happened.
32
00:01:54,670 --> 00:01:57,310
We all remember your arse tits.
33
00:01:57,430 --> 00:01:58,830
Splendid.
34
00:01:58,950 --> 00:02:00,150
Right.
35
00:02:00,350 --> 00:02:04,750
Come-down day,
we're going to need blanket, Netflix,
36
00:02:04,830 --> 00:02:06,350
non-judgmental wank breaks...
37
00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:07,830
Oh, I can't, I've got a barbecue.
38
00:02:07,950 --> 00:02:08,950
Whose barbecue ?
39
00:02:09,030 --> 00:02:10,870
That guy from the reggae night
down in Corsham.
40
00:02:10,950 --> 00:02:13,670
- He invited me over.
- Not that fucking dread-head guy.
41
00:02:13,750 --> 00:02:15,230
He has a name.
42
00:02:15,310 --> 00:02:16,950
What is it ?
43
00:02:17,030 --> 00:02:19,390
I can't remember because
we keep calling him dread-head.
44
00:02:19,510 --> 00:02:21,470
Right, so you're ditching us
for a bongo party ?
45
00:02:21,550 --> 00:02:24,030
Kent, not all white boys
with dreads play bongos ?
46
00:02:24,110 --> 00:02:25,670
Are you sure about that ?
47
00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:27,790
Fine. Just us legends, eh ?
48
00:02:27,870 --> 00:02:30,150
Well, actually,
barbecue sounds fucking great.
49
00:02:30,230 --> 00:02:32,630
Oh, guys. Come on !
50
00:02:32,750 --> 00:02:34,510
You're disrespecting
come-down day.
51
00:02:34,590 --> 00:02:35,950
No good will come of it.
52
00:02:36,030 --> 00:02:38,550
Mate, the only thing I ate yesterday
was half a Toffee Crisp,
53
00:02:38,630 --> 00:02:40,230
and I sprayed most of that
into the till.
54
00:02:40,310 --> 00:02:42,350
Oh ! Dirty !
55
00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:44,750
It's actually a select group
of incredibly cool people.
56
00:02:44,870 --> 00:02:46,510
And he only invited me, so...
57
00:02:46,590 --> 00:02:49,230
It's a barbecue, anyone can go
as long as they bring sausages.
58
00:02:49,310 --> 00:02:51,030
Yep. That is the rule.
59
00:02:51,110 --> 00:02:53,110
What's the fucking problem here ?!
60
00:02:53,190 --> 00:02:55,190
You're a fucking nightmare
on a come-down.
61
00:02:55,270 --> 00:02:57,310
And I want to make
a good impression.
62
00:02:57,390 --> 00:02:58,710
Better bring your bongos, then.
63
00:02:58,830 --> 00:03:02,830
I promise I'll be fine
the minute I get some food in me.
64
00:03:07,030 --> 00:03:08,110
So I got venison sausages,
65
00:03:08,190 --> 00:03:10,270
but now I'm thinking,
is that really try-hard ?
66
00:03:10,350 --> 00:03:12,030
Should I have gone
for a Cumberland ?
67
00:03:12,110 --> 00:03:15,390
You're overthinking it.
It's just a bunch of pig dicks.
68
00:03:15,510 --> 00:03:17,470
You know it's not actually
pigs' dicks, right ?
69
00:03:17,550 --> 00:03:20,030
- I mean, you do know that ?
- But they are, though, aren't they ?
70
00:03:20,110 --> 00:03:22,350
Mashed-up pigs' dicks.
In a bag.
71
00:03:22,430 --> 00:03:24,510
Alison, they're not...
72
00:03:24,630 --> 00:03:26,550
Hey ! You made it.
73
00:03:26,630 --> 00:03:28,310
Hi.
74
00:03:39,950 --> 00:03:42,870
This is my mate Alison. She wanted
to come because she's really hungry.
75
00:03:42,950 --> 00:03:45,430
- I brought sausages.
- Oh, venison. Nice choice.
76
00:03:45,510 --> 00:03:46,630
Yeah, I chose them.
77
00:03:54,990 --> 00:03:56,470
BE MINDFUL
78
00:03:56,710 --> 00:04:00,110
Sorry about the mess.
It's kind of a live-work space.
79
00:04:00,190 --> 00:04:02,550
So I'm always getting covered
in paint.
80
00:04:02,670 --> 00:04:04,790
What, just that bit right there ?
81
00:04:05,030 --> 00:04:07,830
That one perfectly positioned bit ?
82
00:04:08,350 --> 00:04:09,390
Yeah, I guess so.
83
00:04:09,470 --> 00:04:10,870
So, people relax here.
84
00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:13,670
They crash there,
have food there.
85
00:04:13,750 --> 00:04:15,590
That's a yoga mat.
86
00:04:17,150 --> 00:04:18,790
And this is where I do my work.
87
00:04:19,430 --> 00:04:21,750
Oh, cool. What's it about ?
88
00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:23,470
Do you know what ?
I don't know.
89
00:04:23,550 --> 00:04:25,350
My process is, kind of,
to experiment,
90
00:04:25,470 --> 00:04:29,470
I just get it out there and
the meaning just, kind of...
91
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,310
... emerges.
92
00:04:31,390 --> 00:04:34,550
I did GCSE art, so I know exactly
what you're talking about.
93
00:04:34,670 --> 00:04:38,390
I think it's about the impact
of social media on litter.
94
00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:42,670
Litter is... shit.
95
00:04:44,870 --> 00:04:46,270
Exactly.
96
00:04:59,950 --> 00:05:02,430
Sitting on a chair.
97
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,870
Nice out. Fancy a bike ride ?
98
00:05:11,950 --> 00:05:13,430
Why do you keep trying
to do things ?!
99
00:05:13,510 --> 00:05:15,030
Because I don't wish to fester.
100
00:05:15,110 --> 00:05:17,670
It's that sort of attitude
that lost you the job at Bird Zone.
101
00:05:17,750 --> 00:05:19,990
No, it's the fact that penguins
can't digest Twiglets
102
00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:21,270
that lost my job at a Bird Zone.
103
00:05:21,350 --> 00:05:23,190
I just think some fresh air
might sort us out.
104
00:05:23,270 --> 00:05:26,630
The outside world
is our enemy today. It will crush us.
105
00:05:28,030 --> 00:05:31,190
- Fine.
- What are you doing ?
106
00:05:31,270 --> 00:05:32,710
- Orc Slayer.
- No.
107
00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:34,550
No role-play games.
108
00:05:34,630 --> 00:05:37,990
I spend the entire day just watching
you customise your characters.
109
00:05:38,070 --> 00:05:41,190
They all look like you,
but with tits.
110
00:05:43,390 --> 00:05:44,790
Fine.
111
00:05:46,150 --> 00:05:47,310
Let's just watch something.
112
00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:49,030
We could watch the
My Little Pony movie.
113
00:05:49,110 --> 00:05:50,990
Stop suggesting that.
114
00:05:51,070 --> 00:05:53,390
Let's just watch whatever's on.
115
00:05:53,470 --> 00:05:54,630
Ah, Springwatch.
116
00:05:54,710 --> 00:05:56,430
Yes ! And it's
a Michaela Strachan one.
117
00:05:56,510 --> 00:05:57,710
Fucking A !
118
00:05:59,070 --> 00:06:01,430
- Hello ?
- Shit, it's my mum.
119
00:06:02,310 --> 00:06:04,070
Oh, it'd be lovely to see Denise.
120
00:06:04,190 --> 00:06:06,270
She's so fucking needy
since she kicked Dad out.
121
00:06:06,350 --> 00:06:07,350
It's Mum.
122
00:06:07,430 --> 00:06:09,270
I'm starting to realise
why he cheated on her.
123
00:06:09,390 --> 00:06:11,630
- Kent !
- What ? She's a ball-ache !
124
00:06:12,070 --> 00:06:13,550
Just cover for me.
125
00:06:15,910 --> 00:06:17,830
- Morpheus.
- Denise.
126
00:06:17,950 --> 00:06:19,870
- What a pleasure.
- Is Kent here ?
127
00:06:19,950 --> 00:06:22,350
Sorry, no, he's out on business.
128
00:06:22,470 --> 00:06:26,590
Oh, that's a shame because I was
hoping to take him for a pub lunch.
129
00:06:27,590 --> 00:06:29,470
Pub lunch ?
130
00:06:31,470 --> 00:06:34,550
So, Denise...
131
00:06:34,830 --> 00:06:36,750
... how are you coping...
132
00:06:36,910 --> 00:06:38,390
... with the cuckoldry ?
133
00:06:38,470 --> 00:06:43,270
Do you know, that is the first time
someone's asked me how I feel.
134
00:06:43,350 --> 00:06:46,270
Well, I'm sure Kent's been there
for you.
135
00:06:46,350 --> 00:06:49,790
Yes. He's been a bit hard
to get hold of now his phone is broken.
136
00:06:49,870 --> 00:06:53,870
And I know he's just rushed off
his feet trying to find a job.
137
00:06:57,310 --> 00:06:58,390
MICHAELA STRACHAN YOUNGER
138
00:07:04,330 --> 00:07:06,770
I always suspected Peter
was cheating.
139
00:07:06,850 --> 00:07:10,450
I didn't know it was with a girl who
was in the year below Kent at school.
140
00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:12,890
- He's a fool of a man.
- And he says, "She centres me".
141
00:07:12,970 --> 00:07:15,290
And he said she helped him find
himself.
142
00:07:15,410 --> 00:07:16,570
We both know what that means.
143
00:07:16,650 --> 00:07:18,770
- Midlife crisis...
- Hot sex.
144
00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:21,210
Midlife crisis.
145
00:07:27,010 --> 00:07:29,050
I'll just get this.
146
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,970
'Mate, where's your laptop charger ?'
147
00:07:32,050 --> 00:07:34,530
- Mate, are you having a wank ?
- We said, "No judgment."
148
00:07:34,610 --> 00:07:36,210
Can I call you back ?
I'm having lunch.
149
00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:38,730
You can't take a phone call ?
Who are you, Theo Paphitis ?
150
00:07:38,810 --> 00:07:41,210
I'm with your mother, Kent.
We're having a pub lunch.
151
00:07:41,290 --> 00:07:43,090
She's such an attention seeker !
152
00:07:43,170 --> 00:07:45,770
I wish she'd just get back with
Dad and leave us all alone.
153
00:07:45,850 --> 00:07:47,770
- I'm going now.
- Wait.
154
00:07:47,850 --> 00:07:49,850
Can you bring me back
a chocolate fudge brownie ?
155
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,370
Please ? Come on, I need this.
156
00:07:51,450 --> 00:07:53,450
- My parents have broken up.
- All right, all right.
157
00:07:53,530 --> 00:07:55,850
- I'll bring you a brownie.
- Finally !
158
00:07:55,930 --> 00:07:57,890
And make sure it's a squidgy one
from the middle,
159
00:07:57,970 --> 00:08:00,170
not from the outside,
it's always a bit dry.
160
00:08:03,930 --> 00:08:07,730
- Hollandaise.
- Can I have a fudge brownie to go ?
161
00:08:08,050 --> 00:08:11,810
- Make sure it's a...
- Squidgy one from the middle.
162
00:08:14,810 --> 00:08:17,090
So his phone's not broken, then ?
163
00:08:19,130 --> 00:08:24,050
You know what ? Screw Kent,
you deserve the fudge brownie.
164
00:08:25,570 --> 00:08:27,890
Tell the kitchen we'll have it here !
165
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,880
Yeah, Kent, there is a massive
ginger beard.
166
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:05,040
Well, there's only one.
And there is a few man buns.
167
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:10,840
And one sort of early man bun,
but he's gone for it too soon.
168
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,760
OK. Just come back.
169
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,800
I've got all of the duvets
on the sofa.
170
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,680
And I really need someone
to make me a cup of tea.
171
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,240
I can't walk home till I've eaten.
When is that going to happen ?
172
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:24,560
- I can't even smell food.
- It'll happen when it happens.
173
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:28,400
This is how cool people work.
It's fluid, it's different.
174
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:31,320
I mean, in 2016,
what even is a barbecue ?
175
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,040
Oi, Dreadhead,
when's the food ready ?
176
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:36,640
Oh, yeah, hey, we're about
to light the barbecue.
177
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,640
You haven't even lit it yet... ?
Kent, I've got to go.
178
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:43,080
No, no, Alison ! Alison !
179
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,600
You know it can take up to 40 minutes
for those coals to get white ?
180
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,040
I'm sure he knows how
to make a barbecue.
181
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,800
- Does he ? It doesn't seem...
- Ignore her. She's just hungry.
182
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,320
Look, there's some
bread or something...
183
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:54,760
Actually, not, no. Sparkle's gluten
intolerant and has no willpower,
184
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,440
so this is a wheat-free house.
185
00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,560
- So there's no fucking bread ?
- Alison !
186
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:04,280
You don't invite people to a barbecue
and then not have a barbecue !
187
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:06,200
Well, he didn't invite you, did he ?
188
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:10,240
Me gotta get da barbecue.
189
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:11,360
Cool.
190
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:13,560
Can you just chill, McGee ?
191
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:14,880
Sorry. I know.
192
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:16,720
I'm just hungry.
193
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,080
- I'll be cool.
- OK.
194
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:23,760
- Here we go.
- It's not even built yet ?!
195
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,240
Sorry.
196
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:50,480
Mate, where are you ? I'm crashing
hard. I need that fucking brownie.
197
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,160
Your mother and I are having a walk.
198
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,560
You're having a walk ?
With my mother ? Why ?
199
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,640
Because she's a bit upset and I
thought it might cheer her up.
200
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,360
She's always upset
cos she's a miserable old bitch.
201
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:01,440
Kent !
202
00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:03,240
Last night you said
you felt like a bad person.
203
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,400
Maybe saying things like that
is why you feel that way.
204
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:07,640
Fuck off, Dad.
I can say what I like.
205
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:10,920
- Right, I'm hanging up.
- No, no, wait !
206
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:14,200
Come home and we can watch
My Little Pony Movie... trailer
207
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,440
and then talk about it.
208
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:18,200
No, Kent.
209
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:21,200
I will not reward
this juvenile behaviour.
210
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:22,480
Goodbye.
211
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:30,720
- Was that Kent ?
- Yes, and he had quite a potty mouth.
212
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:35,320
Should I go home ?
And then you can just...
213
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:39,280
No, we are not going to let him
ruin Denise Day.
214
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:41,360
- Denise Day ?
- Yes.
215
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,280
Denise Day.
216
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:47,200
I've got something to show you.
217
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:50,600
Look.
218
00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:55,280
Oh, that is so beautiful.
219
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:59,000
It was an Abbey before
the dissolution of the monasteries.
220
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:02,920
Sometimes I come here
just to think.
221
00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:07,440
I told Kent that once
and he punched me in the dick.
222
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:11,400
Let's just forget about Kent
for a while.
223
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:12,680
Yeah.
224
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:14,920
Come on.
225
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:38,160
All right.
226
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:48,960
I think it's about to come down.
227
00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:50,960
We could just make it to my house
if we run.
228
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,360
Yeah.
229
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:59,760
This is like a bunch of chimpanzees
thrown a Kinder surprise.
230
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,400
I think what Alison means to say
231
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:05,600
is that your friends are so
creative that they don't need
232
00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:09,360
to follow the rigid constraints
of barbecue instructions.
233
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:10,920
Exactly.
234
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,160
Baseline !
235
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,000
You made it.
236
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,560
Kent, put the phone at arm's length,
I can see the fur on your tongue.
237
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:27,400
Have either of you guys ever seen
this man in the village ?
238
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,240
Pizza delivery guy ?
239
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:31,440
Yeah !
240
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:32,600
That's what he said !
241
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:35,320
But I think it's a trick to make me
open the door so he can get me.
242
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,200
- Did you order a pizza ?
- Yeah.
243
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:38,560
Probably him, then.
244
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,000
You're just getting para.
245
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,800
- Roll a spliff.
- I've run out.
246
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:44,680
Maybe I'll have a Lemsip.
247
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,680
What flavour of pizza is it ?
Because I'm thinking I'd quite like...
248
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,800
Look, we're not leaving
now I've blagged you in.
249
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:51,080
How will that make me look ?
250
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:54,160
Why do you care
what these hippy pirates think ?
251
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,240
Are you that desperate
to jump his bones ?
252
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:57,400
Alison !
253
00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:00,800
I happen to have real feelings
for Dreadhead.
254
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:03,160
So you're really into diablo ?
255
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,400
That looks like it takes a
lot of practice.
256
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,280
And he needs to be showing
that much chest !
257
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,000
Alison, we just connect.
258
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:17,320
The guy's cool and spiritual and...
259
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,400
And you can clearly see his penis
through those fisherman pants.
260
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:21,680
Really ?
261
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,960
Look at it, lobbing back and forth.
262
00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:26,960
Like a dirty metronome.
263
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,760
You were right. I went cock blind.
264
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:52,080
There's probably some residual
pill horn too.
265
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,320
There's got to be something in here.
266
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,040
Ryvita, or anything.
267
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,800
- There's an Oxo cube.
- Ooh, beef ?
268
00:14:57,880 --> 00:14:59,640
- Veg.
- Nah.
269
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,560
Oh, it's so annoying.
270
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:06,640
How can someone be so fit and
at the same time so utterly revolting ?
271
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,760
Well, you could just overlook it ?
272
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:11,600
- Overlook it ?
- Yeah, you can overlook anything.
273
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,240
Like my mum's hit and run.
274
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:14,840
I forgot about that.
275
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:18,320
Just nod along,
say that you lurrrve circus sports,
276
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:22,400
and get yourself some sweet, sweet,
Jack Sparrow flavoured candy.
277
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,680
Oh, my God, I want to
fuck Jack Sparrow.
278
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:27,240
I'm going to overlook it !
279
00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,600
That's it, overlook it !
280
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:33,760
Sarah...
281
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,920
I think you need to see this.
282
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,240
Pop this on while your clothes
are drying.
283
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,680
It's Kent's dad's, so it should fit.
284
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,400
This is lovely.
285
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:48,600
Is it quilted ?
286
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,240
And this should warm you up.
287
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:54,120
- Will Peter mind ?
- I don't care.
288
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,160
He's not coming back.
289
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,160
Now warm your cockles.
290
00:15:58,240 --> 00:15:59,960
I'm going to whizz up
and have a shower.
291
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,120
Right.
292
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:10,240
Ooh, that's good.
293
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:17,120
"Local Myths." Bosh.
294
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,560
Now I need you
to be honest with me.
295
00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:21,480
Is it yours ?
296
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:27,240
Yeah.
297
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,560
Ain't she beautiful ?
298
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:34,480
I picked her up when I was in Uluru,
which is Aborigine for Ayers Rock.
299
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:35,600
OK.
300
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,800
- You probably don't even play it.
- Oh, I play her.
301
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:45,440
Do you think there's any way
you could
302
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:46,680
never play it ?
303
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,840
It's part of who I am, Sarah.
304
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:50,960
Also, I'm pretty good.
305
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,920
It's impossible to be good
at didgeridoo.
306
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:57,320
Hey, Dad.
307
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:03,960
What the fuck are you doing ?
308
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:05,840
I'm just drying my clothes.
309
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:08,240
We got caught in the rain up
at the ruined abbey.
310
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:11,160
The place where you took Stephanie
Murphy when you try to neck her ?
311
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:12,960
Yeah, yeah. That's the place.
312
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:15,080
You took my mum there ?
313
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:18,440
After a dinner date,
and a romantic walk ?
314
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:21,120
I wouldn't say romantic. It was...
315
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,400
Picturesque.
316
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,680
Are you trying to fuck my mum ?
317
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:28,240
Kent Thomas Blackwell,
of course I'm not.
318
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:30,320
It does look a little bit
weird, mate.
319
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,320
I mean, you're in her house,
drinking scotch.
320
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,680
- Wearing my dad's robe.
- I'm just warming my cockles.
321
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:37,240
- That is fucking disgusting !
- Watch your language.
322
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:38,520
Don't tell me what to do.
323
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:42,000
That attitude is exactly what your
mother and I have been talking about.
324
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:43,080
Fucking stop !
325
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:44,240
I know you're a desperate virgin,
326
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,200
but trying to jump my mum
because she's vulnerable...
327
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:48,360
- I was trying to show her a good time.
- Get out !
328
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:51,400
- My pants aren't dry !
- Oh, my God, you're naked !
329
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,200
This is fucking horrible.
330
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,320
- Kent.
- Yeah.
331
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,240
- This is your comedown talking.
- Is it ?
332
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,400
Or are you trying
to replace my dad ?
333
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,120
You are in a spiralling vortex
of doubt right now.
334
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:05,720
So listen to me.
335
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,200
Look, here. Here !
336
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,920
- I am your best friend.
- You are my best friend.
337
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:14,160
And in no way attempting to copulate
with your mother.
338
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,400
OK. You're right.
339
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:18,560
I just need some weed.
340
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,520
- A bit of weed.
- Yeah.
341
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,000
- It'll be fine.
- Bit of weed.
342
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,880
You go home, roll up a batty.
343
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,960
I'll be back as soon as I can.
344
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,680
- All right, I'll see you later.
- See you, mate.
345
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,040
Don't fuck my mum.
346
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:46,560
I won't !
347
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:55,800
I definitely...
348
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:57,560
... won't.
349
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,840
Right, let's get these sausages on.
350
00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:04,400
You've got to put the chicken on
first, it takes longer.
351
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,960
OK, let's get the chicken on.
352
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,400
But Felix hasn't finished
the marinade yet.
353
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,240
You know what ?
354
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:11,440
Chicken fell.
355
00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:13,840
Sausages it is.
356
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:17,320
We've got to go.
357
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:18,440
But the sausages !
358
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:21,160
Sarah, if you just heard me play it.
359
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:22,640
Please don't !
360
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:41,720
What's happening ?
361
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,160
It's a fucking break out !
362
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:46,480
Guys !
363
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,560
Look what I found.
364
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,440
Cowbell !
365
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:03,000
Morpheus,
please don't fuck my mum.
366
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:04,320
Don't fuck my mum, Morpheus.
367
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:05,760
Don't fuck my mum !
368
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:07,120
I ask you as a friend...
369
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,240
Don't fuck my mum.
370
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,440
Morpheus, don't fuck my mum !
371
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,560
It's all right, just fuck his mum.
372
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:13,880
Go on !
373
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,400
I mean, she's practically
given you the green light.
374
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,720
- Go on, put it right inside her.
- It's only a fuck !
375
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:22,160
- Just give her a quickie !
- Fuck her ! Fuck her ! Fuck her !
376
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,120
I'm going up now, Morphs.
377
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:26,280
You're welcome to stay.
378
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,560
It's nice having company.
379
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,680
Morpheus, what are you doing ?
380
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,240
I don't know.
381
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:20,960
This is the worst thing
I've ever heard.
382
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:22,080
I know.
383
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,400
I know, that's why I
came to see you.
384
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:27,000
I mean,
what should I do about Kent ?
385
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:29,000
Just don't even tell him.
386
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:30,080
Really ?
387
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:34,160
Is that OK from your spirit
guide, moral compass, point of view ?
388
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:35,920
Bury it, lad.
389
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,400
- You say nothing happened ?
- Totally.
390
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,040
It was just a spoon.
391
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:43,520
I mean, I had a bit of a stiffy,
but she definitely didn't feel it.
392
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:46,240
Get out of my forest.
393
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:47,320
Yes.
394
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:50,840
Disgusting !
395
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:59,040
See, this is what
we should have done from the start.
396
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:02,200
You disrespect the comedown
and the comedown punishes you.
397
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,560
It punished my fucking ears.
398
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:05,760
Bongos ?
399
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:08,000
Didgeridoo.
400
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:11,920
I don't know if it's my comedown,
401
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:15,640
but I'm finding this pony movie
really moving.
402
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:17,080
Yeah.
403
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:18,320
Me too.
404
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,240
Good choice, Morph.
405
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,200
And thanks
for looking after my mum today.
406
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:27,040
- No problem.
- You really are a great friend.
407
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:28,400
OK.
408
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,640
It's like the movie says,
409
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:33,360
friendship is magic.
410
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,080
Your mum hasn't tried to call you,
has she ?
411
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,640
Yeah.
412
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:42,320
But I knifed it.
413
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:44,760
I can't talk to her now.
414
00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:47,560
Yeah. One for tomorrow.
415
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:50,240
Yeah. One for tomorrow.
416
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:56,040
WASTED
417
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,520
Season 1
End of episode 5
30608
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