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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:17,240 Carvery's on me today, guys. I got a promotion at Bird Zone. 2 00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:19,440 Well done, man. What are you doing now ? 3 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:23,480 You are looking at the brand-new penguin master. 4 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:27,240 They still got that fibreglass polar bear there ? 5 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:30,200 - Yes, they do. - I wanked your cousin off behind that. 6 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,640 Come through. Come through. 7 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:37,600 Morph, stop letting people go ahead of us ! I'm fucking starving ! 8 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:41,680 You must control your base instincts to reap maximum rewards from the carvery. 9 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,600 Morph, no-one cares about your stupid system. 10 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:48,320 First, like the hunter, you wait for a moment to pounce, 11 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,600 which is when they bring out the new turkey. 12 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:53,560 Then begins the strategy. 13 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:55,920 Meat goes into the middle. 14 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:59,720 You're only allowed three, so ask for turkey, pork and beef. 15 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:03,720 Then say, "Oh, I wanted gammon, not pork." 16 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,400 I call that the Carnifour. 17 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,200 Vegetables, baked ones only. 18 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:14,880 Potatoes, parsnips and stuffing. Be careful with the stuffing, 19 00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:16,680 cos it's always next to the peas. 20 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:19,080 Arrange sauces like an artist's palette. 21 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,200 Then most important of all... 22 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:22,920 the Yorkshire pudding crown. 23 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,440 Add your gravy pond, and for a bit of fun, 24 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,480 mashed potato ducks. 25 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:32,480 And that, my friends, is the perfect carvery. 26 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:38,280 I'm trying to say is watch part three again, cos it's really not that bad. 27 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:41,640 Come through. 28 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,560 - Fresh meat ! - Fuck it, mine ! 29 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:52,080 WASTED 30 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,080 Season 1 Episode 3 31 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,760 Not eating your carvery, Morph ? It's not a carvery, is it ? 32 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,160 It's an absolute outrage ! 33 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:07,440 No fucking Yorkshire ! 34 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:08,800 - I'll have it. - No ! 35 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:10,840 We're leaving that as a message. 36 00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:14,560 You know ! You fucking know ! 37 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,120 Fuck ! 38 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:17,560 Tone it down. 39 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,280 Can we talk ? 40 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:24,360 Might be best. 41 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:29,040 Hiya. 42 00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:33,240 - So... lately... - I know. 43 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:36,960 - I mean, it's not... - Oh, no, no, no. 44 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:40,480 Thank God. But you... 45 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:41,680 Hey. 46 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:43,760 - Because... - It's cool. 47 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:45,880 Well... 48 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,520 You too. 49 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:50,800 Yeah. 50 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,400 What a bell-end ! Can you believe that ?! 51 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,360 Sorry, believe what, exactly ? 52 00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:59,840 - I mean, you heard what he said. - Not really. 53 00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:03,080 We go out together, he moves me in, we set up a harness, and then 54 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:06,080 we break up. He just doesn't know what he wants. 55 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:08,240 Alison, if there's anything I can do... 56 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:12,960 Oh, I know it's a Sunday, but can we just get really, really drunk ? 57 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:15,400 Agreed. But not in this pub. 58 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:19,360 After this carvery debacle, I hope the staff die in a house fire ! 59 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:22,560 - Bit much, mate ! - Is it, though ? Actually, is it ? 60 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:24,680 A carvery without a Yorkshire ! 61 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:26,440 I bite my thumb at thee, sir ! 62 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:29,320 I bite my thumb at thee ! 63 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:44,080 - Well, this is it. - We're gonna have to try. 64 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:45,480 The other pub. 65 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,800 THE ROYAL SWAN 66 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,920 No-one goes in the Swan since they done it up. 67 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:52,960 I'm sure it'll be fine. 68 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,880 JUS ! TAPENADE ! DUCK EGG ! 69 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:23,320 CARNABY STREET 70 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:27,560 Pints, then ? 71 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,160 Guys, I don't like it here ! 72 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:32,760 The rugby's on. 73 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:35,720 Cucumber water ? 74 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:37,600 Shall we do one ? 75 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:39,680 Guys, we're here for Alison. 76 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,640 So let's pull up a chair. 77 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:45,760 It's screwed to the floor. 78 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:49,680 Guys, apparently, it's table service. 79 00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,920 Where are we ? 80 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,600 This should be comfortable, but it isn't. 81 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:08,840 - What ? - I said... 82 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:13,360 - We should be able to talk. - What the fuck is that ? 83 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:18,400 - Are you Facebook stalking him ? - No ! I'm on his porn hub. 84 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,280 Would you like any olives ? 85 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:23,000 - Do we have to pay for olives ? - Yes. 86 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:24,480 Then... no. 87 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,040 Guys, promotion ! 88 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:31,120 We will have the olives, my love, and some fucking wasabi peanuts. 89 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,000 Oh, shit ! 90 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,200 Don't look. Don't look. It's Alistair from school. 91 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,960 - Fuck, I'd forgotten about him. - He's such a loser. 92 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,880 He's always following me around, wanting to hang out with me. 93 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,000 So his mum phoned my mum and he came round to my house 94 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:50,720 then pissed in my paddling pool. 95 00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:54,840 Told him to stop pissing, but kept on going and smiling at me like a Moomin. 96 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:56,760 Oh, my God ! 97 00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:58,600 What are you guys doing here ? 98 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:00,400 Just thinking about leaving actually. 99 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,320 When was the last time we were all together ? Probably school. 100 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:07,240 That old building we used to go to every day, having lessons ! 101 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,360 I went past it the other day. Still there ! 102 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,360 It is, isn't it ? 103 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:16,040 And I saw Mrs Ryan the other week, getting some petrol. Mental ! 104 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,000 Mate, we're trying to have a drink, so... 105 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:20,320 Me too. We should have one together. 106 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,520 I'd rather suck Morpheus's cock. 107 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,880 Blackwell ! Still on form ! 108 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,400 Is anyone sitting here ? 109 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:33,280 - What are you doing at the moment ? - Well, actually... 110 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,240 I'm penguin master at Bird Zone. 111 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:38,400 - That's great, mate ! - Yeah. Things turned out all right. 112 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,960 So what are you up to, then, Alistair from school ? 113 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,080 I mean, Alistair from now. 114 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,800 I'm the landlord in here. 115 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:49,960 No, you're not. You work at the fucking Co-op ! 116 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:53,360 When I was doing my BTEC. Then I saved up, bought this place. 117 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:55,120 You run a bloody pub ? 118 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,320 - You're 20 fucking 4 ! - I know, yeah ! 119 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:01,040 And we've just had a refurb, so we've now got Giant Jenga, Dyson Airblade... 120 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:02,760 And weird fake candles. 121 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,880 We've even got a hot tub out the back. Crazy ! 122 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,760 Hats off to you Alistair ! I run a small business myself. 123 00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:11,240 I know how bloody hard it can be. 124 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,320 Annual tax returns. 125 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:14,800 Annual ?! 126 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:18,360 Here are your olives. Thank you, Rosalita. 127 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:20,280 Rosalita's from Leicester. 128 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,640 Bloody hell ! 129 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:25,760 - Guys, my treat. - Don't be silly. They're on the house. 130 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,800 I can pay for my own fucking drinks. I'm penguin master. 131 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:30,280 Bloody hell ! 132 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:32,440 Come on. Take a drink from an old friend. 133 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,560 You're not our friend ! You're a fucking Moomin. 134 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,600 Blackwell ! 135 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:47,760 I will have all the shots, please. 136 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,520 He's not even that fit, is he ? 137 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,080 Delete. Delete. 138 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:56,720 Revenge porn. 139 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:58,080 Delete. 140 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,720 So... about the holy man. 141 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,560 Not sure he was ever right for you. 142 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:05,960 Maybe I was punching above my weight. 143 00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:07,880 He's so sophisticated. 144 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,440 Whatever he is, he's history. 145 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,680 I think you should jump straight back on the horse. 146 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,880 Maybe a bigger, sturdier horse. 147 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,080 - Like a rebound ? - Exactly ! 148 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:22,000 Well, to begin with. It starts with a rebound, then you slowly realise... 149 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,240 - Right in the holy man's face ! - What... ? 150 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:47,680 Sorry to jump on you, Morph. Just want to see that skinny bastard suffer. 151 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,320 Oh, right, see that skinny bastard suffer, yeah. 152 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,640 Could you pretend to be my boyfriend ? 153 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:55,360 Yes, please. With all of my heart, yes ! 154 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,320 Cheers mate. 155 00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:59,240 So what happens now, another kiss ? 156 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,480 He's coming over. Put your arm round me. 157 00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:02,880 - One arm. - Got it. 158 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:07,280 So, you are... 159 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:08,680 ... with him now. 160 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:10,000 Absolutely. 161 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,560 Don't hate the player, hate the game. 162 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,440 - In fact, we're engaged. - We're not engaged. 163 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:17,560 We're engaged to be engaged. 164 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,920 Seems... a bit quick. 165 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,800 Actually, Morpheus always had feelings for me, didn't you ? 166 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:24,760 Since the first day I met you. 167 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,480 So there you have it. 168 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:28,960 And I would do anything for her. 169 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:31,920 I would walk through hell for this woman 170 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:35,040 and fight Satan in bare-knuckle combat 171 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:39,120 until his fiery hooves tore the skin from my hands ! 172 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:44,160 Fair enough. 173 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:49,080 - What is wrong with that guy ?! - I just don't know. 174 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:50,880 He's gone now, mate. 175 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:52,280 Cool, yeah. 176 00:09:55,720 --> 00:10:00,840 Would you recommend the merlot or the rioj-er ? 177 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,360 Sod all that. Get some ale down your neck, lad. 178 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:07,680 Sure. 179 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:09,200 Thanks. 180 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,560 - Is that a full pint ? - Aye. 181 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,320 A bit surprised to see you here. 182 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,680 Didn't know you could appear in the real world. 183 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:22,480 Thought we had to meet in that magical forest. 184 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,840 Wish I hadn't now. This fucking place ! 185 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,200 There's a fella over there sat with no socks on. 186 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,040 If he did that in the tavern, he'd be cut from nave to chaps. 187 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,280 - Twat ! - Cool. 188 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:35,480 So, why are you here, spirit guide ? 189 00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:37,880 I know what you're up to, Morpheus. 190 00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:41,400 But do you really want to be the rebound guy ? 191 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:44,440 Well, if I get through the door as the rebound guy, 192 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,160 it gives me something to build on. 193 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,280 Then, over time, we phase out the rebound 194 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,520 and I just become the guy 195 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:52,920 or the husband. 196 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,200 It never works, man. 197 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,560 Take it from somebody who knows a bit about women. 198 00:10:56,760 --> 00:11:00,360 With all due respect, you and Catelyn Stark, 199 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:02,640 that wasn't exactly fireworks, mate. 200 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,040 Watch Lady Chatterley's Lover then come back to me. 201 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:08,160 - You were in Lady Chatterley's Lover ? - IMDB, mate. 202 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,040 Fucking hell, GoldenEye ! 203 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,800 - There's a lot of Sharpe. - Morpheus... 204 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,160 Heed my advice. If you go after Alison, 205 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,440 it will end in sorrow. 206 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,240 Sorrow ! 207 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:25,480 Sorrow... 208 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:26,600 Sorrow... 209 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:27,920 Sorrow... 210 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:30,480 Sorrow ! 211 00:11:38,050 --> 00:11:41,690 - OK, so you know your VAT return ? - Yeah. 212 00:11:41,770 --> 00:11:42,770 What is that ? 213 00:11:42,850 --> 00:11:44,130 Oh, right, OK. 214 00:11:44,210 --> 00:11:47,930 Basically, every quarter, you want to compile all your invoices and receipts. 215 00:11:48,010 --> 00:11:49,010 Right. 216 00:11:49,090 --> 00:11:52,450 Make sure they're safe and sound. If you have a safe, pop them in there. 217 00:11:52,530 --> 00:11:55,530 Just get it out the way, so send it to your accountant. 218 00:11:58,370 --> 00:12:01,010 Big words, big words, grown-up stuff. 219 00:12:01,130 --> 00:12:02,970 Adult, adult, real man. 220 00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:06,210 Business stuff, financial words, impressive things. 221 00:12:06,290 --> 00:12:08,170 Impressed, impressed. 222 00:12:08,250 --> 00:12:09,850 Better than Kent. 223 00:12:10,170 --> 00:12:14,010 Books I've read. Witty anecdote, £50 note... 224 00:12:16,450 --> 00:12:19,410 Spotify Premium ? Didn't think so ! 225 00:12:19,490 --> 00:12:22,090 I like to keep all my invoices in a pillow case, cos it... 226 00:12:22,170 --> 00:12:25,010 Remember when you shat yourself in Physics ? 227 00:12:26,010 --> 00:12:29,090 God ! Yeah, I haven't thought about that in a while. 228 00:12:29,170 --> 00:12:32,170 I think about it all the time and it's still just as funny. 229 00:12:32,250 --> 00:12:34,250 - Right. - He was 11, though. 230 00:12:34,330 --> 00:12:37,930 Yeah, and he filled his pants with shit, in front of the whole class ! 231 00:12:38,010 --> 00:12:41,090 It's classic ! You never lived that one down, did you ? 232 00:12:41,610 --> 00:12:43,570 - No, I guess not. - No. 233 00:12:45,130 --> 00:12:48,930 - Kent shat himself in a cab last week. - No, that was different. 234 00:12:49,250 --> 00:12:50,570 I was on drugs. 235 00:12:53,850 --> 00:12:55,010 Game of pool ? 236 00:12:55,130 --> 00:12:57,610 No, you'll probably just whip me like you used to. 237 00:12:57,730 --> 00:13:00,730 Don't worry, I'll go easy on ya. 238 00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:08,370 So, just to clarify, Kent, you are the yellow balls, right ? 239 00:13:08,490 --> 00:13:09,490 Yes ! 240 00:13:09,570 --> 00:13:13,010 I cannot believe I'm seven balls up on Blackwell. Flukey or what ? 241 00:13:13,090 --> 00:13:14,690 Or blatant cheating ! 242 00:13:14,770 --> 00:13:17,490 - Come on, Maradona. Your shot. - OK. 243 00:13:20,330 --> 00:13:22,610 Touched the white ! Two shots to me. 244 00:13:22,690 --> 00:13:25,250 - Shut that face up ! - He's right, I did touch it. 245 00:13:25,330 --> 00:13:27,010 I'm gonna need a rest. 246 00:13:27,090 --> 00:13:28,330 We don't have a rest. 247 00:13:28,930 --> 00:13:32,330 You haven't got a rest ?! He hasn't got a rest ! 248 00:13:32,410 --> 00:13:35,170 Yeah, he's got a pool table, though, in the pub he owns. 249 00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:38,090 Yeah, but he hasn't got a rest, have you ? You prick ! 250 00:13:40,250 --> 00:13:43,210 Come on, Morph, it's now or never. Just book it. 251 00:13:46,210 --> 00:13:48,210 GET TESTED STD'S 252 00:13:49,690 --> 00:13:50,890 Just book it. 253 00:14:01,210 --> 00:14:02,370 $120 per night Book Now 254 00:14:02,450 --> 00:14:04,690 - Don't do it, Morpheus ! - Jesus ! 255 00:14:06,090 --> 00:14:08,570 - You're appearing on posters now ? - So what ? 256 00:14:08,650 --> 00:14:11,130 Just seems like your rules are really loose. 257 00:14:11,210 --> 00:14:13,010 I'm Sean Bean. I can do what I like. 258 00:14:13,410 --> 00:14:15,690 About Alison, you're thinking wi' your... 259 00:14:16,850 --> 00:14:19,170 It's quite an eyeful ! 260 00:14:19,250 --> 00:14:22,250 But Alison wants a man who knows what he wants 261 00:14:22,330 --> 00:14:23,370 and I want to take her 262 00:14:23,450 --> 00:14:25,850 to the top of the Empire State Building on Valentine's Day 263 00:14:25,930 --> 00:14:28,850 and then to that big sandwich place from When Harry Met Sally. 264 00:14:28,930 --> 00:14:32,530 I'm telling you, Morpheus... don't book it ! 265 00:14:34,690 --> 00:14:36,530 You need to check Groupon first. 266 00:14:36,850 --> 00:14:40,930 - Did you just look down again ? - No. Just accidentally. 267 00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:43,210 Get out of my head, Sean Bean ! 268 00:14:44,330 --> 00:14:46,130 Brain Box. 269 00:14:46,410 --> 00:14:48,810 2005. 270 00:14:50,850 --> 00:14:52,330 Easy. Miley Cyrus. 271 00:14:52,690 --> 00:14:54,410 You sure it's not Hannah Montana ? 272 00:14:54,490 --> 00:14:57,930 Hannah Montana was the character in the show, you fucking goon ! 273 00:14:58,010 --> 00:15:00,890 OK. Miley Cyrus. 274 00:15:03,410 --> 00:15:07,290 Well done, Alistair ! Just press the button before we've all decided. 275 00:15:07,410 --> 00:15:08,410 But you said... 276 00:15:08,490 --> 00:15:11,890 I was presenting a debate, you helmet. For the group to discuss. 277 00:15:12,010 --> 00:15:15,570 We thought you were team captain. You made a pretty big deal out of that. 278 00:15:15,650 --> 00:15:18,690 Yeah, because I'm better than him. And I can prove it. 279 00:15:30,650 --> 00:15:33,610 Chins. We both take it in turns to punch each other in the face 280 00:15:33,730 --> 00:15:35,010 until one of us gives up. 281 00:15:35,170 --> 00:15:36,890 I don't know if I want to do that. 282 00:15:37,090 --> 00:15:38,650 What ?! You scared or something ? 283 00:15:38,770 --> 00:15:41,170 Gonna piss yourself, like you did in my paddling pool ? 284 00:15:41,250 --> 00:15:42,250 No. 285 00:15:42,330 --> 00:15:45,770 - Thought we were having a nice night. - We're not. We're having a fight. 286 00:15:45,850 --> 00:15:47,410 And why has that happened, then ? 287 00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:51,250 Cos someone needs to realise who rules the fucking roost around here ! 288 00:15:51,370 --> 00:15:53,970 Guys, why not get your dicks out and measure them instead ? 289 00:15:54,050 --> 00:15:56,370 - We don't wanna do that ! - I don't... No. 290 00:15:56,490 --> 00:15:58,490 - Come on. - You punch me first. 291 00:15:58,690 --> 00:16:00,610 - You want me to punch you ? - Yeah. 292 00:16:00,690 --> 00:16:02,410 - What, in your face ? - Yeah. 293 00:16:02,490 --> 00:16:05,090 With, like, a closed fist ? 294 00:16:06,810 --> 00:16:07,890 Yeah. 295 00:16:08,490 --> 00:16:09,690 - OK. - Come on, then ! 296 00:16:09,770 --> 00:16:12,170 Hit me ! Then we'll see who the big man is. 297 00:16:12,330 --> 00:16:14,250 OK. Look... 298 00:16:14,330 --> 00:16:16,690 If you wanna be the big man, you can, 299 00:16:16,770 --> 00:16:18,170 because I'm pulling out. 300 00:16:18,370 --> 00:16:20,770 Look, you're prepared to do this. I'm not. 301 00:16:20,850 --> 00:16:23,930 So, congratulations, you win... big man. 302 00:16:24,010 --> 00:16:25,490 Shake on it. 303 00:16:26,850 --> 00:16:29,890 OK, I'll shake on it. 304 00:16:32,130 --> 00:16:33,130 Fuck ! 305 00:16:35,570 --> 00:16:37,130 What was that ? 306 00:16:38,210 --> 00:16:39,610 A punch. 307 00:16:40,410 --> 00:16:42,770 - While we were shaking hands ? - Yeah. 308 00:16:43,250 --> 00:16:44,810 I did that. 309 00:16:57,570 --> 00:16:59,250 Blackwell ! 310 00:16:59,930 --> 00:17:01,010 Alistair ! 311 00:17:01,650 --> 00:17:02,970 Let's go and get in the hot tub ! 312 00:17:03,050 --> 00:17:05,490 He's fucking me in the ear, he doesn't even mean it ! 313 00:17:17,250 --> 00:17:18,530 Alison. 314 00:17:18,850 --> 00:17:22,850 I've got something to tell you and I want everyone to hear. 315 00:17:24,410 --> 00:17:25,650 I love you. 316 00:17:26,650 --> 00:17:28,250 I've always loved you. 317 00:17:28,570 --> 00:17:31,010 And I can't live another moment without you knowing. 318 00:17:31,130 --> 00:17:33,690 - Bloody hell, Morph ! - And there's more. 319 00:17:33,770 --> 00:17:36,850 As tomorrow's Valentine's day, I am taking you... 320 00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:38,770 It's OK, you can drop the act. 321 00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:40,250 The plan worked. 322 00:17:40,330 --> 00:17:42,610 We're back on ! 323 00:17:43,690 --> 00:17:46,130 - Really ? - Yeah, was quite romantic, actually. 324 00:17:46,330 --> 00:17:48,930 He told me he missed me, then cut off a lock of his hair 325 00:17:49,010 --> 00:17:52,090 and tied it to mine while I was tugging him off in the bogs. 326 00:17:52,170 --> 00:17:53,170 Aye. 327 00:17:55,850 --> 00:17:58,330 Well, that is... smashing ! 328 00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:01,410 Really fucking smashing ! 329 00:18:03,610 --> 00:18:04,730 Bloody hell ! 330 00:18:05,410 --> 00:18:06,490 Mazel tov ! 331 00:18:08,330 --> 00:18:09,930 So, hot tub ? 332 00:18:13,770 --> 00:18:16,090 You make an honest woman of her ! 333 00:18:17,570 --> 00:18:21,010 Well... early days, so... 334 00:18:26,530 --> 00:18:27,650 Sorry. 335 00:18:29,770 --> 00:18:31,530 I've got shaking hands and shit. 336 00:18:31,730 --> 00:18:34,170 Even when he's being the smaller man, he has to be the biggerman. 337 00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:36,170 Maybe you should have a little cry about it. 338 00:18:36,290 --> 00:18:37,890 - He's a prick ! - Is he, though ? 339 00:18:37,970 --> 00:18:40,450 Or maybe you're just a bit jealous. 340 00:18:41,090 --> 00:18:43,290 Jealous ?! Of him ?! 341 00:18:46,330 --> 00:18:47,410 It's just... 342 00:18:47,530 --> 00:18:51,290 I sleep on your couch, and I've never got any fucking money. 343 00:18:51,410 --> 00:18:53,850 It's not that bad. 344 00:18:54,170 --> 00:18:56,170 You're penguin master ! 345 00:18:56,650 --> 00:18:59,090 No. I made that up. 346 00:18:59,370 --> 00:19:01,410 I'm assistant penguin master. 347 00:19:01,970 --> 00:19:04,410 Does the penguin master need an assistant ? 348 00:19:04,490 --> 00:19:06,010 Not really. 349 00:19:06,410 --> 00:19:09,330 Just makes me clean up the fish and shit. 350 00:19:09,730 --> 00:19:12,090 Even the fucking Moomin's doing better than me ! 351 00:19:12,170 --> 00:19:15,490 All right, OK, so maybe he's got all this stuff, 352 00:19:15,570 --> 00:19:18,650 but... he's still a Moomin. 353 00:19:18,930 --> 00:19:20,610 And he looks up to you. 354 00:19:22,090 --> 00:19:24,370 Still want to fucking get him, though. 355 00:19:32,930 --> 00:19:34,610 Are you... pissing ? 356 00:19:34,690 --> 00:19:37,170 Right in his paddling pool ! 357 00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:41,010 OK. I'm doing it too ! 358 00:19:41,330 --> 00:19:43,490 Not on me ! No, I'm pointing it that way ! 359 00:19:43,570 --> 00:19:44,650 Point it that way. 360 00:19:51,330 --> 00:19:53,010 Hit a warm spot ! 361 00:19:57,010 --> 00:19:58,810 That's weird. 362 00:19:58,930 --> 00:20:01,650 It's an online check-in request from BA on the shop email. 363 00:20:01,850 --> 00:20:04,250 It's probably spam. Don't even read it ! 364 00:20:04,330 --> 00:20:06,250 Well, no. Apparently there's two tickets 365 00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:09,490 booked to New York for tomorrow for Valentine's Day. 366 00:20:09,570 --> 00:20:12,050 - Give me the phone, show it's fake. - Looks pretty real. 367 00:20:12,170 --> 00:20:16,570 Passenger one is you and passenger two is Alis... 368 00:20:20,570 --> 00:20:22,290 ... stair ! 369 00:20:22,690 --> 00:20:23,890 Alistair. 370 00:20:24,410 --> 00:20:26,210 Alistair. 371 00:20:28,090 --> 00:20:29,370 - Me ? - Yeah. 372 00:20:29,610 --> 00:20:31,490 You're with me, buddy ! 373 00:20:31,970 --> 00:20:33,850 It was supposed to be a... 374 00:20:34,690 --> 00:20:36,170 ... surprise... 375 00:20:36,250 --> 00:20:38,610 ... to say thank you for... 376 00:20:39,770 --> 00:20:41,490 ... such a great night. 377 00:20:43,570 --> 00:20:44,650 It's a bit weird, mate. 378 00:20:44,730 --> 00:20:47,650 No, it's the normal thing one friend does for another, Kent. 379 00:20:47,930 --> 00:20:49,050 For Valentine's Day ? 380 00:20:49,130 --> 00:20:50,850 That was a Groupon. The date was arbitrary. 381 00:20:50,930 --> 00:20:52,810 So, Alistair, what do you say ? 382 00:20:52,890 --> 00:20:57,010 Because I can easily cancel it and I might be able to get a refund. 383 00:20:58,490 --> 00:21:01,210 Well... Bloody hell, Morph ! 384 00:21:02,450 --> 00:21:04,770 I'd love to ! 385 00:21:12,610 --> 00:21:14,530 This is really happening ! 386 00:21:16,250 --> 00:21:17,690 We... we... 387 00:21:17,770 --> 00:21:19,770 ... are going to New York together. 388 00:21:19,850 --> 00:21:22,250 - In four hours ! - Mazel tov ! 389 00:21:22,370 --> 00:21:24,010 The Big Apple ! 390 00:21:52,710 --> 00:21:55,110 New York City Times Square baby ! 391 00:21:56,470 --> 00:21:58,030 Brooklyn Bridge... Rockefeller... 392 00:21:58,150 --> 00:21:59,150 Empire State ! 393 00:21:59,350 --> 00:22:00,350 There's a shop ! 394 00:22:00,470 --> 00:22:02,950 Oh my God, we're actually in the hood ! 395 00:22:03,510 --> 00:22:04,990 Morph's just chillin'. 396 00:22:05,430 --> 00:22:08,310 Oh, my God, Morph ! Try it on ! 397 00:22:08,670 --> 00:22:11,630 - That looks amazing. - Thanks. 398 00:22:12,590 --> 00:22:14,350 Oh, look, Morph ! Morph ! 399 00:22:14,870 --> 00:22:16,350 I'm walking here. 400 00:22:16,430 --> 00:22:19,350 He we are in an authentic American diner. 401 00:22:20,190 --> 00:22:21,790 I'll have what he's having. 402 00:22:23,990 --> 00:22:26,110 Here's the master suite hotel room. 403 00:22:26,190 --> 00:22:30,030 That's our bed, double. Two lads, bit awkward, but hilarious. 404 00:22:30,350 --> 00:22:31,430 There's Morph ! 405 00:22:31,870 --> 00:22:34,150 - Why me... - He's loving life. 406 00:22:35,790 --> 00:22:39,910 No, I think he's feeling a bit overwhelmed. 407 00:22:40,670 --> 00:22:42,270 - You all right, Morph ? - Get out ! 408 00:22:44,350 --> 00:22:47,350 WASTED 409 00:22:47,870 --> 00:22:50,870 Season 1 End of episode 3 30230

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