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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,690 --> 00:00:13,690 WASTED 2 00:00:14,730 --> 00:00:19,250 Season 1 Episode 1 3 00:00:27,410 --> 00:00:28,810 So... 4 00:00:28,930 --> 00:00:30,930 Nestonbury, we meet again. 5 00:01:04,610 --> 00:01:06,090 STONED HENGE 6 00:01:06,170 --> 00:01:09,010 You think the same freedom applies 7 00:01:09,090 --> 00:01:13,330 to somebody who has an unendurable, in their judgment, condition ? 8 00:01:13,450 --> 00:01:14,610 Would you fuck Paxman ? 9 00:01:14,690 --> 00:01:15,810 Repeatedly. 10 00:01:15,890 --> 00:01:16,890 Really ? 11 00:01:16,970 --> 00:01:19,130 I thought you liked cool guys with tattoos. 12 00:01:19,210 --> 00:01:20,890 - I do. - Thank God. 13 00:01:20,970 --> 00:01:22,690 But Paxman is another level. 14 00:01:23,530 --> 00:01:24,730 The whole quizmaster vibe, 15 00:01:24,810 --> 00:01:26,730 how he never backs down when he knows he's right. 16 00:01:26,810 --> 00:01:28,730 And you know he's packing heat. 17 00:01:28,810 --> 00:01:30,450 That's why they give him such a big desk. 18 00:01:30,530 --> 00:01:33,890 You are a lover. Borrow Cupid's wings and soar with them. 19 00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:44,530 All right, dickheads. 20 00:01:44,610 --> 00:01:46,610 Oh my God ! 21 00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:49,130 Kent effing Blackwell ! 22 00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,970 - All right, mate, lose the hard-on. - Sorry. 23 00:01:51,050 --> 00:01:53,370 - Alison. - That's where my sunglasses went ! 24 00:01:53,450 --> 00:01:55,050 Nah. Caught these in Brizzle. 25 00:01:55,130 --> 00:01:56,810 That's what we call Bristol, there. 26 00:01:56,890 --> 00:01:57,930 Sarah. 27 00:01:58,610 --> 00:02:00,530 - What ? - OK. 28 00:02:00,610 --> 00:02:02,450 Anyway, I'm moving back. 29 00:02:02,530 --> 00:02:04,290 Right, so being a DJ worked out, then ? 30 00:02:04,370 --> 00:02:05,810 Yeah, totally fucking worked out. 31 00:02:05,890 --> 00:02:07,530 So much so you've come back home ? 32 00:02:07,610 --> 00:02:08,690 Yeah. 33 00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:11,450 A real live DJ living in Nestonbury. 34 00:02:11,530 --> 00:02:13,170 I know, mate. Get used to it. 35 00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:15,690 Come for the old room back. 36 00:02:16,530 --> 00:02:18,210 Mate, you can stay as long as you like. 37 00:02:18,290 --> 00:02:19,370 He can, can he ? 38 00:02:19,450 --> 00:02:20,730 It's my shop too ! 39 00:02:20,810 --> 00:02:22,370 Chill out, Alan Sugar. 40 00:02:22,450 --> 00:02:23,530 I can pay the rent. 41 00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:25,130 Soon as I get my job back at Bird Zone. 42 00:02:25,210 --> 00:02:26,610 Will they have you back, though ? 43 00:02:26,690 --> 00:02:28,730 Didn't you give a pelican some acid ? 44 00:02:28,810 --> 00:02:29,890 Yeah. 45 00:02:29,970 --> 00:02:31,970 Tried to fuck a buzzard. 46 00:02:43,450 --> 00:02:45,970 Things are going to be so epic now Kent's back. 47 00:02:46,050 --> 00:02:48,450 - You are such a gimp for him. - No. 48 00:02:48,530 --> 00:02:50,610 He's my oldest friend and he's always had my back. 49 00:02:50,690 --> 00:02:52,810 Like that time he melted all your Warhammer figures ? 50 00:02:52,890 --> 00:02:55,370 - Yeah, to teach me how sad they were. - Look, Kent's all right. 51 00:02:55,450 --> 00:02:58,130 You're just being all Dawson's Creek about it because you two... 52 00:02:58,210 --> 00:03:01,210 Were fucking pissed and it didn't mean anything. 53 00:03:01,370 --> 00:03:02,410 OK... 54 00:03:03,290 --> 00:03:05,730 - Any change, then ? - From a tenner ? 55 00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:06,810 That's fine. 56 00:03:07,890 --> 00:03:09,450 So what have you chumps been up to ? 57 00:03:09,530 --> 00:03:12,530 Still coming here every night and doing the pub quiz on a Thursday ? 58 00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:16,370 No. The pub quiz was cancelled because 59 00:03:16,450 --> 00:03:18,610 a lot of the same questions started coming up. 60 00:03:18,690 --> 00:03:19,970 Mostly about Nazis. 61 00:03:20,050 --> 00:03:21,130 Even the music round. 62 00:03:21,210 --> 00:03:23,050 - And the picture round. - And the... 63 00:03:23,130 --> 00:03:24,890 Nazi round. 64 00:03:24,970 --> 00:03:26,970 So, just kicking round the shop, then ? 65 00:03:27,530 --> 00:03:29,290 - Thought you were going to India ? - I am. 66 00:03:29,370 --> 00:03:30,650 I'm just saving up. 67 00:03:30,730 --> 00:03:32,730 - Obviously doesn't want to go, then. - Obviously. 68 00:03:32,810 --> 00:03:35,890 Yeah, fucking do, actually. Especially now you're back. 69 00:03:36,130 --> 00:03:38,370 Well, to get my decks I sold pills. 70 00:03:38,450 --> 00:03:40,330 Probably a bit hardcore for you, though. 71 00:03:40,450 --> 00:03:42,490 - Yeah, probably. - No. 72 00:03:42,810 --> 00:03:45,530 No, I'm well hardcore. I'd sell pills. 73 00:03:45,610 --> 00:03:47,810 I just don't know anyone that could, like, hook me up. 74 00:03:47,890 --> 00:03:49,130 I do. Want me to text my dealer ? 75 00:03:49,210 --> 00:03:51,210 - No, don't worry about it. It's cool. - It's set. 76 00:03:51,290 --> 00:03:52,330 Brilliant. 77 00:03:53,050 --> 00:03:54,450 - Got to through with it now. - Yeah. 78 00:03:54,530 --> 00:03:57,450 - Sooner the better, mate. - Whoa, come on, guys. 79 00:03:57,530 --> 00:03:59,970 It's the first time we've all been together in over a year. 80 00:04:00,050 --> 00:04:01,890 We should celebrate that. 81 00:04:02,210 --> 00:04:05,050 With a proper old-school Neston big one. 82 00:04:15,690 --> 00:04:17,290 Great night. Great night. 83 00:04:17,370 --> 00:04:19,570 - Classic Neston. - Standard. 84 00:04:25,370 --> 00:04:27,970 Oh, come on, mate. It's only fucking Bird Zone. 85 00:04:28,050 --> 00:04:29,450 All right, Jason. Bye. 86 00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:31,730 - Twat. - Got your job back, then ? 87 00:04:31,810 --> 00:04:34,290 They want me to come in for an interview, which is bollocks, 88 00:04:34,370 --> 00:04:36,890 cos I know for a fact that Danny's got his GCSE mocks coming up, 89 00:04:36,970 --> 00:04:38,210 so they definitely need cover. 90 00:04:38,290 --> 00:04:40,050 Well, they'd be lucky to have you. 91 00:04:40,130 --> 00:04:41,650 - Thanks, mate. - All right, Morph. 92 00:04:41,730 --> 00:04:42,730 A new needle's going in. 93 00:04:42,810 --> 00:04:45,170 I say new, I got it off eBay, so it might be a bit wonky. 94 00:04:45,250 --> 00:04:46,290 OK. What ? 95 00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:47,930 And it's going in your spine so breathe in. 96 00:04:48,050 --> 00:04:49,890 Alison, wait, can't... 97 00:05:13,050 --> 00:05:14,610 Morpheus... 98 00:05:16,370 --> 00:05:17,650 Morpheus... 99 00:05:19,970 --> 00:05:21,130 Listen... 100 00:05:23,530 --> 00:05:25,010 Morpheus ! 101 00:05:31,530 --> 00:05:33,450 Greetings, Morpheus. 102 00:05:33,890 --> 00:05:34,890 Sean Bean ! 103 00:05:34,970 --> 00:05:37,530 No. Not actually Sean Bean. 104 00:05:38,370 --> 00:05:39,890 I am your subconscious mind, 105 00:05:39,970 --> 00:05:43,690 manifesting itself into the form you trust the most. 106 00:05:43,850 --> 00:05:44,850 Makes sense. 107 00:05:44,970 --> 00:05:46,810 I am your spirit guide. 108 00:05:47,530 --> 00:05:50,370 And I have a gift from the spirit world. 109 00:05:50,450 --> 00:05:51,450 Really ? 110 00:05:52,050 --> 00:05:53,690 Come closer. 111 00:05:54,810 --> 00:05:56,410 Don't be shy. 112 00:05:57,370 --> 00:05:59,090 Come closer. 113 00:06:04,210 --> 00:06:05,210 What was that ? 114 00:06:05,290 --> 00:06:07,130 A wake-up call, lad. 115 00:06:07,210 --> 00:06:09,810 You've been a right donkey about this Alison lass. 116 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,290 Don't... Don't have feelings for Alison. 117 00:06:12,370 --> 00:06:14,130 So you've never dreamed about taking her 118 00:06:14,210 --> 00:06:16,650 to the top of the Empire State building on Valentine's Day, 119 00:06:16,730 --> 00:06:19,290 waiting till everyone's gone and then losing your virginity 120 00:06:19,370 --> 00:06:20,810 up against the 10 pence telescope ? 121 00:06:20,890 --> 00:06:22,650 Hey, I lost my virginity when I was 15. 122 00:06:22,730 --> 00:06:24,210 You can't lie to me, lad. 123 00:06:24,290 --> 00:06:25,450 I'm in your head, Morpheus. 124 00:06:25,530 --> 00:06:29,210 Yeah, well, you weren't there then, because I was on my French exchange. 125 00:06:29,290 --> 00:06:31,530 Look, I think we've got off on the wrong foot. 126 00:06:31,610 --> 00:06:33,010 Take a stump. 127 00:06:48,690 --> 00:06:50,970 This tattoo you're getting, what's it even of ? 128 00:06:51,090 --> 00:06:54,610 It's a 1:5000 scale map of the land of Westeros. 129 00:06:54,690 --> 00:06:57,730 - Why you getting that ? - Because I like Game Of Thrones. 130 00:06:58,050 --> 00:06:59,050 Obvs. 131 00:06:59,170 --> 00:07:00,570 You're pussyfooting around. 132 00:07:00,690 --> 00:07:02,970 If you want a shot with this Alison you've got to be more assertive. 133 00:07:03,050 --> 00:07:04,210 You know ? Confident. 134 00:07:04,370 --> 00:07:05,450 Like Paxman. 135 00:07:05,530 --> 00:07:07,290 What is it with everyone and Paxman ? 136 00:07:07,370 --> 00:07:09,210 Just something about him. 137 00:07:09,290 --> 00:07:11,810 He never backs down when he knows he's right. 138 00:07:11,890 --> 00:07:14,170 And you know he's packing heat. 139 00:07:15,610 --> 00:07:16,850 Sean ? 140 00:07:17,810 --> 00:07:18,810 Can I call you Ned ? 141 00:07:18,890 --> 00:07:19,970 Fuck off. 142 00:07:20,050 --> 00:07:21,210 No... 143 00:07:21,290 --> 00:07:23,290 No, wait, Sean... Sean... 144 00:07:24,050 --> 00:07:25,490 Sean ! 145 00:07:25,890 --> 00:07:27,130 Sean ! 146 00:07:27,210 --> 00:07:28,210 Sean ! 147 00:07:28,610 --> 00:07:31,370 Oh, shit, I've written "Sean" now. 148 00:07:38,610 --> 00:07:41,210 So, what's the name of this dealer, anyway ? 149 00:07:41,290 --> 00:07:42,450 Supplier. 150 00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:44,650 He deals to the dealers. 151 00:07:44,810 --> 00:07:46,050 His shit's so pure 152 00:07:46,130 --> 00:07:47,930 they call him The Holy Man. 153 00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,050 OK. 154 00:07:49,130 --> 00:07:51,890 And what's the punishment, again, if you're caught selling pills ? 155 00:07:51,970 --> 00:07:52,970 Dunno about the police, 156 00:07:53,090 --> 00:07:55,210 but when my mum caught me, she made me eat all of them. 157 00:07:55,290 --> 00:07:56,650 With her. 158 00:07:57,130 --> 00:07:58,130 At Glastonbury. 159 00:07:58,210 --> 00:08:00,050 You know, I might just wait outside. 160 00:08:00,130 --> 00:08:03,490 You know ? Keep watch, in case there's a raid. 161 00:08:03,610 --> 00:08:05,810 - You get your shit together ! - Yeah, sorry. 162 00:08:05,890 --> 00:08:09,610 I am taking a big risk, bringing you here, so just be cool. 163 00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:11,050 Be cool. 164 00:08:11,130 --> 00:08:12,290 Got it. 165 00:08:20,130 --> 00:08:21,370 Hi, June. 166 00:08:21,450 --> 00:08:22,890 We're here to see The Holy Man. 167 00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:24,770 He's upstairs. 168 00:08:25,210 --> 00:08:26,370 Chris ! 169 00:08:26,450 --> 00:08:28,530 Alison's here ! 170 00:08:37,890 --> 00:08:39,810 - All right... - Hiya. 171 00:08:39,890 --> 00:08:40,970 This is Sarah. 172 00:08:41,050 --> 00:08:42,610 What up ? 173 00:08:43,970 --> 00:08:46,050 So you were serious about a... 174 00:08:46,130 --> 00:08:48,290 ... menage a... 175 00:08:48,370 --> 00:08:50,050 - Three. - No. 176 00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,370 Well, maybe. 177 00:08:51,450 --> 00:08:52,530 Not now. 178 00:08:53,690 --> 00:08:55,090 Nice turtle. 179 00:08:58,210 --> 00:08:59,810 She's looking to score. 180 00:08:59,890 --> 00:09:01,530 Yeah, OK. 181 00:09:12,210 --> 00:09:13,530 It's... 182 00:09:13,610 --> 00:09:16,290 ... the only place Mum won't look. 183 00:09:20,370 --> 00:09:21,450 You not got any pills left ? 184 00:09:21,530 --> 00:09:23,730 No, no, we finished them, didn't we ? When we... 185 00:09:23,810 --> 00:09:25,050 At that christening. 186 00:09:28,810 --> 00:09:30,730 Wasted trip. 187 00:09:30,810 --> 00:09:32,210 Want to smoke a spliff ? 188 00:09:39,810 --> 00:09:41,130 Wait there. 189 00:09:41,890 --> 00:09:43,050 Got to smoke it out the window 190 00:09:43,130 --> 00:09:45,610 otherwise she'll disconnect my Sky box. 191 00:09:53,210 --> 00:09:56,290 So what's the deal with you two ? Are you like... having sex ? 192 00:09:56,370 --> 00:09:59,330 I wouldn't call it sex, but fluids are exchanged. 193 00:09:59,610 --> 00:10:02,530 If you did want to get some pills, 194 00:10:02,610 --> 00:10:04,690 you could always find... 195 00:10:05,610 --> 00:10:07,650 ... the stash. 196 00:10:08,370 --> 00:10:09,490 What's... 197 00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:11,290 the stash ? 198 00:10:11,370 --> 00:10:13,050 Back in the '90s, 199 00:10:13,130 --> 00:10:17,130 there was a festival, down in Cox's Meadow, called... 200 00:10:17,530 --> 00:10:18,530 ... Orbital. 201 00:10:18,650 --> 00:10:20,290 No, wait, Orbital played there. 202 00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:22,290 Festival was called... 203 00:10:22,370 --> 00:10:24,450 The Chemical Brothers. 204 00:10:24,530 --> 00:10:27,010 Anyway, right, there was this bunch of dealers. 205 00:10:27,370 --> 00:10:30,810 They wanted to knock out their pills at the festival, 206 00:10:30,890 --> 00:10:34,890 but they knew they'd never get them past security. 207 00:10:35,450 --> 00:10:37,290 So they formed a plan. 208 00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:38,730 One week before the festival, 209 00:10:38,810 --> 00:10:40,970 they went into the middle of Cox's Meadow, 210 00:10:41,050 --> 00:10:44,730 and buried this fat stash of bangers, 211 00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:47,130 right in the middle of the field. 212 00:10:47,210 --> 00:10:48,610 The festival 213 00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,970 was built up around them. 214 00:10:51,050 --> 00:10:54,450 They bought their tickets. 215 00:10:54,530 --> 00:10:56,210 Walked straight in. 216 00:10:56,290 --> 00:10:58,610 Planned to dig them up and sell them. 217 00:11:00,130 --> 00:11:02,450 But they never dug them up. 218 00:11:02,530 --> 00:11:04,130 Because they were murdered ? 219 00:11:04,210 --> 00:11:06,970 No. Cos they were murdered ! 220 00:11:07,290 --> 00:11:08,650 What ? 221 00:11:08,810 --> 00:11:11,130 Wait, no, that's what you just said. No... 222 00:11:11,210 --> 00:11:14,650 Got mangled on some old speed, forgot they'd done it. 223 00:11:16,130 --> 00:11:18,210 Rumour has it 224 00:11:18,290 --> 00:11:21,010 they're still buried there... 225 00:11:21,290 --> 00:11:22,690 ... waiting. 226 00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:39,420 So, let's talk Bird Zone. 227 00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:41,180 Kent, I want to take you back, 228 00:11:41,260 --> 00:11:43,180 but things at Bird Zone are a bit different now. 229 00:11:43,260 --> 00:11:45,500 You can't just smoke weed in the staffroom any more. 230 00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:47,340 - It's just like an outside only thing. - No. 231 00:11:47,420 --> 00:11:49,940 Since Carol's taken over you're not allowed to be boxed. 232 00:11:50,020 --> 00:11:51,700 What if you didn't see me get stoned, 233 00:11:51,780 --> 00:11:53,980 and I got deodorant and shit ? 234 00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:55,940 I'd have to tell Carol. 235 00:11:56,020 --> 00:11:57,420 What happened to you, man ? 236 00:11:57,500 --> 00:11:59,700 You're just sucking corporate dick now. 237 00:11:59,780 --> 00:12:02,180 I want to vouch for you, but after the Pelican thing... 238 00:12:02,260 --> 00:12:05,260 - Jason, I didn't know it was acid. - You did though, didn't you ? 239 00:12:05,340 --> 00:12:07,700 You told everyone you were going to do it and you filmed it. 240 00:12:07,780 --> 00:12:09,700 Yeah, because it was fucking funny. 241 00:12:10,740 --> 00:12:12,260 Yeah, it was funny ! 242 00:12:12,660 --> 00:12:14,580 So are you going to give me them shifts ? 243 00:12:14,660 --> 00:12:16,860 I'll have to speak to Carol about it. 244 00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:22,260 Fucking hell. Jason's turned into a massive shaft. 245 00:12:22,340 --> 00:12:25,180 - You're taking the job though, right ? - Making him sweat. 246 00:12:25,260 --> 00:12:28,340 Sarah wants a hand with them pills anyway. What's all this ? 247 00:12:28,420 --> 00:12:31,180 I'm resurrecting Neston's premier pub quiz. 248 00:12:31,260 --> 00:12:34,420 And I want all of you to come. It is going to be insane. 249 00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:39,380 The first letter of every bonus answer spells out a secret word. 250 00:12:39,460 --> 00:12:40,700 Star Wars ? 251 00:12:41,660 --> 00:12:42,980 No. 252 00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:48,460 Alison's not going to shag you just because you're doing a pub quiz. 253 00:12:48,540 --> 00:12:49,540 What ? 254 00:12:49,660 --> 00:12:51,500 Where the hell are you getting that from ? 255 00:12:51,580 --> 00:12:54,100 So, you are not doing this to be like Paxman ? 256 00:12:54,180 --> 00:12:56,780 - You know she fancies Paxman ? - No, that's gibberish. 257 00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:58,940 So, you're just doing a pub quiz for no reason ? 258 00:12:59,020 --> 00:13:00,260 Yeah. No reason. 259 00:13:01,340 --> 00:13:03,300 Are they new shoes ? 260 00:13:03,580 --> 00:13:05,180 Might be. 261 00:13:05,260 --> 00:13:07,780 - For no reason ? - For no reason ! 262 00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:13,540 Come on, you silly sausage. Let's go dig up some drugs from the past. 263 00:13:24,860 --> 00:13:27,420 Can I just say ? Digging is shit. 264 00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:29,780 Did the Holy Man give any detail ? 265 00:13:29,860 --> 00:13:31,780 He just said they were under a tree. 266 00:13:31,860 --> 00:13:33,580 Oh, for fuck's sake. 267 00:13:33,660 --> 00:13:36,900 Yeah, I know, but it's obviously this one. 268 00:13:37,020 --> 00:13:39,100 - Bullshit. - Just shut up and keep digging. 269 00:13:39,180 --> 00:13:41,420 It's all right for you, you've got a spade. 270 00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:45,100 I've got this... dwarf whatever that is. 271 00:13:45,180 --> 00:13:47,500 If we swap spades, will you stop bitching ? 272 00:13:47,580 --> 00:13:51,340 - No, I'd rather keep bitching. - Yeah, guys, it's nearly six. 273 00:13:51,420 --> 00:13:52,460 It's time to wrap this up. 274 00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:53,820 - Why ? - Pub quiz. 275 00:13:53,940 --> 00:13:56,140 You said you'd all come and watch me be the quizmaster. 276 00:13:56,260 --> 00:13:58,260 Yeah, I only said that so you'd help with the digging. 277 00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:01,500 Oh, thanks, sis. Alison, you love a quiz, don't you ? 278 00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:04,580 - I'll have to hurry you. - Don't know. 279 00:14:04,820 --> 00:14:06,540 - Is it any good ? - Yes. 280 00:14:06,620 --> 00:14:08,420 Come on, Kent, back me up, mate ! 281 00:14:10,660 --> 00:14:15,300 So, it's betrayal. You're just a bunch of Lando Calrissians. 282 00:14:15,420 --> 00:14:16,500 Oh, easy, mate. 283 00:14:16,580 --> 00:14:18,500 I'm going to start walking to the pub. 284 00:14:18,580 --> 00:14:20,020 And you've got a choice. 285 00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:23,500 You can follow me or stay here on a fool's errand, 286 00:14:23,620 --> 00:14:26,300 digging up defunct bangers from the '90s. 287 00:14:26,860 --> 00:14:29,580 Whatever you think is the right thing to do. 288 00:14:55,820 --> 00:14:57,460 You're never going to find them ! 289 00:15:00,020 --> 00:15:01,780 They look gnarly. 290 00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:04,620 '90s pills, mate. Suppose to be much stronger. 291 00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:08,220 Some of them have got mould on them. What kind of mould grows on Ecstasy ? 292 00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:10,700 Fucking trippy mould, mate. 293 00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:13,660 Guys, I'm not sure about this. What if we kill someone ? 294 00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:15,380 I don't think I could live with that on my conscience. 295 00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,100 Holy Man says you get over it. 296 00:15:17,180 --> 00:15:19,580 - Well, I bet you're fucking chuffed. - What ? 297 00:15:19,660 --> 00:15:23,580 Well, you can't sell the pills, so once again you can't go to India. 298 00:15:23,660 --> 00:15:26,180 Come on, Kenty, who's going to buy these ? 299 00:15:26,260 --> 00:15:27,660 Mick the Druid ? 300 00:15:29,180 --> 00:15:31,460 He probably would, actually. 301 00:15:31,860 --> 00:15:34,580 - Came to your senses then ? - Sorry, what ? 302 00:15:34,660 --> 00:15:36,660 Oh, my fucking God, pub quiz ! 303 00:15:36,740 --> 00:15:39,780 - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah, totally. 304 00:15:39,860 --> 00:15:41,580 Fuck's sake, a pound in the pot. 305 00:15:41,660 --> 00:15:44,260 Why ? You going to strip for us ? 306 00:15:44,740 --> 00:15:46,260 Sorry. 307 00:15:46,340 --> 00:15:47,620 Found them, then ? 308 00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:49,580 Yeah, just working out what to do with them. 309 00:15:49,660 --> 00:15:51,660 Yeah, because your sister is being a massive nerd about it. 310 00:15:51,740 --> 00:15:53,340 Fuck off, they're covered in mould. 311 00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:55,540 You have no idea what they're going to do to someone. 312 00:15:55,620 --> 00:15:56,900 - Well, nothing. - What ? 313 00:15:57,020 --> 00:15:59,260 If there's mould, there's water, which means the chemicals 314 00:15:59,380 --> 00:16:01,580 will have leached out and rendered the tablets totally inert. 315 00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:03,940 - What are you saying ? - Well, they've been there 20 years. 316 00:16:04,020 --> 00:16:05,940 I mean, they're complex long chain molecules. 317 00:16:06,020 --> 00:16:07,700 They would have completely denatured. 318 00:16:07,780 --> 00:16:09,580 I mean, it's basic organic chemistry. 319 00:16:09,660 --> 00:16:11,380 Wow, good knowledge. 320 00:16:11,460 --> 00:16:15,540 Yeah, well... I know a lot of facts, Alison. 321 00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:18,820 Are you sure they won't work, like, a little bit ? 322 00:16:18,940 --> 00:16:20,180 Absolutely not. 323 00:16:20,260 --> 00:16:23,180 - Watch. - Mate, don't even do that. 324 00:16:23,260 --> 00:16:25,100 Why, they're completely harmless. 325 00:16:25,460 --> 00:16:27,660 - Right, that's enough now. - He seems pretty confident. 326 00:16:27,740 --> 00:16:29,740 I'll show you confidence. Here we go. 327 00:16:30,180 --> 00:16:32,780 Bosh. Bosh. Bosh. 328 00:16:32,860 --> 00:16:35,660 - Stop taking Ecstasy ! - Shan't. 329 00:16:35,740 --> 00:16:37,460 - Bosh. - Mate, stop it. 330 00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:38,580 You stop it ! 331 00:16:38,660 --> 00:16:39,660 Bosh. 332 00:16:39,780 --> 00:16:40,780 Morph ! 333 00:16:42,620 --> 00:16:44,140 - Bosh ! - Jesus Christ. 334 00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:46,500 Everyone calm down, yeah ? 335 00:16:46,940 --> 00:16:49,660 They're not going to work. I know the science. 336 00:16:49,740 --> 00:16:52,500 I read it on the British Pharmacological Society website. 337 00:16:52,580 --> 00:16:55,700 And I'll prove it. 338 00:16:55,780 --> 00:16:58,060 Morph, you're not holding your phone. 339 00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:03,140 I know. 340 00:17:04,020 --> 00:17:06,300 It's Chalky. 341 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,700 That's a pint of coins, mate. 342 00:17:11,020 --> 00:17:12,020 Got it. 343 00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,860 OK, guys, welcome. 344 00:17:16,940 --> 00:17:20,380 My name is Morpheus and I'll be your quizmaster this evening. 345 00:17:23,020 --> 00:17:25,740 Can I get a glass of water up here, please ? 346 00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:29,660 Now, I appreciate the spirit, but can we keep the team names clean ? 347 00:17:29,740 --> 00:17:30,860 As I do have to read them out. 348 00:17:30,940 --> 00:17:33,100 We could just about get away with "Quiz In My Pants", 349 00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:34,500 but new name, please, for... 350 00:17:34,580 --> 00:17:36,180 "My name's Morpheus and I have a boner, 351 00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:38,020 Especially When I Look at Schoolkids." 352 00:17:56,180 --> 00:17:57,380 That's better. 353 00:17:58,180 --> 00:18:01,580 So, let's get started with Round One. 354 00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:04,020 Round One. 355 00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:08,340 Sorry, my tongue is hot, hot. 356 00:18:09,300 --> 00:18:10,460 Fuck it, Morph. 357 00:18:10,540 --> 00:18:12,420 I'll just check my notes. 358 00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:16,460 Jeremy Paxman ! 359 00:18:17,020 --> 00:18:18,660 Won't be needing those. 360 00:18:19,020 --> 00:18:20,580 I do it from... 361 00:18:20,860 --> 00:18:25,100 Which capital city is Manchester United ? 362 00:18:55,580 --> 00:18:56,860 Fucking hell. 363 00:18:58,420 --> 00:19:01,780 The Great Wall of China is at which wall ? 364 00:19:02,940 --> 00:19:04,860 Answer the question, you... 365 00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:06,140 China, China. Yeah. 366 00:19:08,860 --> 00:19:10,820 What is my grandmother's maiden name ? 367 00:19:11,660 --> 00:19:12,660 Morpheus. 368 00:19:13,740 --> 00:19:14,740 Morpheus. 369 00:19:16,900 --> 00:19:18,020 Morpheus. 370 00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:20,780 Morpheus. 371 00:19:22,140 --> 00:19:24,020 Pull yourself together, lad. 372 00:19:24,140 --> 00:19:25,540 I can't, Sean. 373 00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:27,580 My head is broken. 374 00:19:27,940 --> 00:19:31,940 Remember, what would Paxman do ? 375 00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:47,700 - Mate ? - OK, this is a starter for 10. 376 00:19:47,780 --> 00:19:48,980 Music Round. 377 00:19:50,180 --> 00:19:51,500 Just a snippet. 378 00:19:51,580 --> 00:19:54,540 Snippet. Music. Write it down. 379 00:19:56,180 --> 00:20:00,180 No reason, just seems so pleasing 380 00:20:00,580 --> 00:20:04,580 Gonna make you, make you, make you notice 381 00:20:06,420 --> 00:20:08,580 Gonna use my arms 382 00:20:08,660 --> 00:20:10,740 Gonna use my legs 383 00:20:11,180 --> 00:20:13,340 Gonna use my style 384 00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:15,580 Gonna use my sidestep 385 00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:18,180 Gonna use my fingers... 386 00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:19,740 Gonna take this off now. 387 00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:25,100 Come on. Yeah. Oh, yeah. 388 00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:26,260 What is happening ? 389 00:20:27,740 --> 00:20:28,940 That's enough ! 390 00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:33,740 - Take it away ! - Oh, my God. It burns. 391 00:20:34,340 --> 00:20:35,420 Where am I ? Where am I ? 392 00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:36,940 Get in there now. Get in there. 393 00:20:37,020 --> 00:20:38,580 You need to chunder right now. 394 00:20:38,660 --> 00:20:41,260 No, Kent, I need to go out there and tell the world how I feel. 395 00:20:41,340 --> 00:20:42,500 I've never felt so in love. 396 00:20:42,580 --> 00:20:45,020 Yeah, because you've had ten pills from the '90s, 397 00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:47,100 and tried wanking off in front of a pub. 398 00:20:47,340 --> 00:20:49,100 You're standing in the way of love, mate. 399 00:20:49,180 --> 00:20:51,580 I'm stopping you making a prick of yourself. 400 00:20:51,660 --> 00:20:53,700 Sarah's right about you. 401 00:20:53,780 --> 00:20:56,380 You've never had my back, have you ? I'm going out there. 402 00:20:56,460 --> 00:20:58,460 No, drugs need purging. 403 00:20:58,660 --> 00:21:02,180 Tactical chunder, come on ! Let the demons out ! 404 00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:04,380 - Snug. - Throw up. 405 00:21:04,740 --> 00:21:06,020 Never ! 406 00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:08,140 Go on, stare at the piss. 407 00:21:09,660 --> 00:21:11,100 Let the piss do the work. 408 00:21:11,180 --> 00:21:13,420 This is a beautiful moment, Kent. 409 00:21:13,500 --> 00:21:15,340 - This is what I missed. - Right. 410 00:21:15,420 --> 00:21:16,980 I'm going in manually. 411 00:21:26,580 --> 00:21:27,940 What the fuck are you doing ? 412 00:21:28,020 --> 00:21:31,660 Bonding. I thought that was what we were playing at. 413 00:21:31,980 --> 00:21:33,020 What ? 414 00:21:33,580 --> 00:21:34,660 Occupied ! 415 00:21:34,740 --> 00:21:35,780 Oh, sorry. 416 00:21:37,340 --> 00:21:40,700 Oh, wait, Jason. Did you talk to Carol ? 417 00:21:41,740 --> 00:21:45,420 Yeah. She said she'd put you on probation. 418 00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:47,260 Probation ? That's bullshit. 419 00:21:48,020 --> 00:21:50,820 She says you're unpredictable. 420 00:21:51,180 --> 00:21:53,100 Where the fuck did she get that from ? 421 00:21:54,260 --> 00:21:55,700 I don't know. 422 00:21:57,660 --> 00:22:00,340 There we go. Good boy. 423 00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:02,220 Tell her I'll think about it. 424 00:22:05,420 --> 00:22:07,780 There we go. OK. 425 00:22:07,860 --> 00:22:10,500 Easy. Easy. 426 00:22:12,460 --> 00:22:14,580 So glad you're back, mate. 427 00:22:25,340 --> 00:22:27,980 - No India, then ? - Nope. 428 00:22:28,100 --> 00:22:30,420 I might just stay here, pretend I'm a DJ. 429 00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:33,020 Oh, I forgot you used to wear bindis. 430 00:22:33,660 --> 00:22:34,660 You kept that ? 431 00:22:35,900 --> 00:22:37,660 Yeah, for a roach. 432 00:22:42,020 --> 00:22:43,100 Morph ? 433 00:22:45,660 --> 00:22:47,300 Fancy a hit ? 434 00:22:47,740 --> 00:22:48,820 No. 435 00:22:49,260 --> 00:22:51,660 I'm flying through space at 1,000 miles an hour. 436 00:22:51,780 --> 00:22:53,540 How about a blow back ? 437 00:22:54,340 --> 00:22:55,420 Come on. 438 00:22:55,500 --> 00:22:58,020 I'll put the spliff into my mouth, we press lips, 439 00:22:58,100 --> 00:23:00,340 and I gently blow the smoke into yours. 440 00:23:03,540 --> 00:23:04,700 I will do that. 31258

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