Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

SOMETIMES LIFE CAN BE SUCH A GRIND.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S WHY I LIKE TO GET OUT EVERY NOW AND THEN

AND SWING A LITTLE.

AAH!

SO MUCH FOR HIS FAMILY TREE.

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

TONIGHT'S TALE CONCERNS A YOUNG WOMAN

WHO'S ABOUT TO DO A LITTLE SWINGING OF HER OWN.

SHE WANTS TO PROVE THAT A GOOD MAN IS HARD TO FIND,

BUT EASY TO GET RID OF.

I THINK YOU'LL LIKE THIS LITTLE CHOPPING SPREE

I CALL SPLIT SECOND.

HEY.

Liz: I'D BEEN STRANDED FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS

UP IN THE NORTH WOODS

WHEN I TOOK A JOB WAITING TABLES AT THE CUMMINGS SALOON.

4 UP.

I WAS TRYING TO SAVE UP FOR A BUS TICKET OUT.

THE MONEY WAS TERRIBLE. AND MOST OF THE TIPS I GOT

WEREN'T THE KIND YOU COULD STICK IN A BANK.

4 ROUNDS IN 20 MINUTES.

WHAT, IS THIS A SLOW NIGHT, GUYS?

CAN'T YOU HOLD YOUR DRINK ANYMORE?

LIZ, YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT DOING STAND-UP?

THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING.

WATCH THIS.

I'M GONNA TAKE A BREAK, RAY.

HEY, HOW ABOUT GOING IN MY TRUCK?

I GOT SHEEPSKINS.

I THOUGHT YOU LIKED THEM BETTER

WHEN THEY WERE STILL ALIVE, BANJO.

YOU SAYIN' YOU DON'T WANT TO?

I'M SAYING JUST 'CAUSE WE GOT FRIENDLY ONCE

DON'T MEAN I CARE TO MAKE A HABIT OF IT.

WHO YOU KIDDIN', LIZ?

IF I GOT YOU DRUNK ENOUGH,

I'D HAVE YOU OUT IN MY TRUCK IN NO TIME.

THAT'S REALLY SWEET OF YOU, BANJO.

LET'S SAVE THE HALLMARK MOMENT FOR ANOTHER TIME.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

LET'S GO FOR A RIDE.

YOU GOT 10 MINUTES BEFORE YOU GOT TO BE BACK,

MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME TO REAPPLY YOUR LIPSTICK, BABY.

YOU...

THE LADY'S NOT INTERESTED.

YOU GOT THAT?

FUCK OFF, DIXON!

DROP THE KNIFE.

DROP IT!

AAH.

THIS HOW YOU WANT TO DIE, SHITHEEL?

Liz: I WASN'T EXACTLY LOOKING FOR A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR,

BUT I DID LIKE BEING FOUGHT OVER.

THOSE DAYS, I WAS GETTING OFFENDED

A LOT MORE THAN I WAS GETTING DEFENDED.

APOLOGIZE TO THE LADY.

I'M SORRY, MA'AM.

Dixon: GOOD BOY.

NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

HE DIDN'T HURT YOU, DID HE, MA'AM?

NO.

THAT WAS NICE OF YOU.

THANKS.

CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?

AFTER A COUPLE OF DRINKS AND A SLOW DANCE,

HE WANTED ME TO BE HIS WIFE.

SAID HE HAD MONEY

AND THAT HE'D TAKE CARE OF ME.

I WAS GLAD HE DIDN'T USE THE "L" WORD.

IT'S NO COINCIDENCE

IT'S THE SAME LETTER THAT STARTS THE WORD "LIE."

I FIGURED, WHAT THE HELL...

AND SAID YES.

STEVE HAD MONEY, ALL RIGHT,

AND A BIG HOUSE UP ON THE MOUNTAIN,

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS LUMBER CAMP.

HE MADE LOVE LIKE A MOUNTAIN MAN,

WHICH I KIND OF LIKED.

AND IN THE MORNING WHEN HE GOT UP TO GO TO WORK,

I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "I JUST MIGHT BE HAPPY HERE."

SAYS YOU. SAYS YOU.

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT'S THAT?

MY GRANDDADDY USED TO DO THIS WORK...

WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA DO

ABOUT THE ANNUAL TOURNAMENT THIS YEAR?

NOW THAT WOLF'S GONE, WE GOT NOBODY

TO PUT ON THE WOOD-CHOPPING CONTEST.

SNAZ, YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT...

HEY, ARTIE, I'M TALKING HERE.

SOMEONE JUST SAID THAT DIXON GOT MARRIED LAST NIGHT

TO ONE OF THE WAITRESSES DOWN AT CUMMINGS' PLACE.

OH, GET OUTTA HERE. DIXON AIN'T THE MARRYING KIND.

I KNOW, BUT THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE SAYING.

SAID HE WENT OFF AND GOT HITCHED TO LIZ KELLY.

YEAH. HER? NO!

WOW. WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW DIXON

WAS INTO SLOPPY SECONDS.

MORNING, GUYS.

HEY, MR. DIXON! HEH HEH.

I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU ALL KNOW

THAT AS OF NEXT WEEK WE'LL BE MOVING OVER

TO THE NORTH SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN.

THE NORTH SIDE?

THERE'S HARDLY ANYTHING OVER THERE.

I KNOW IT, SNAZ,

BUT THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' I CAN DO.

THOSE GODDAMN ENVIRONMENTALISTS

ARE TRYING TO PROTECT SOME FUCKIN' MOTH OR SOMETHING.

EITHER I LAY YOU GUYS OFF OR WE MOVE OVER THERE.

WE APPRECIATE THAT, MR. DIXON.

BUT IT STILL DON'T HARDLY SEEM FAIR.

THAT THE ONLY NEWS YOU GOT FOR US, MR. D?

THERE'S A RUMOR GOING AROUND CAMP

YOU WENT OFF AND GOT YOURSELF MARRIED.

CHRIST. WORD TRAVELS FAST, DON'T IT?

HOLY SHIT! YOU SAYING IT'S TRUE?

WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?

ALL RIGHT!

DOES THAT MEAN WE THROWIN' OUT THE RULE

ABOUT NO WOMEN?

I MEAN, I COULD USE SOMETHING AROUND HERE

TO KEEP ME WARM BESIDES THESE PRICKS.

THE RULE STANDS, GUYS.

NO WOMEN AROUND HERE EXCEPT MY WIFE.

WOMEN CAN BE TROUBLE IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.

HELL, WOMEN ARE TROUBLE, PERIOD.

Liz: STEVE, HONEY.

OH, THERE YOU ARE.

YOUR BREAKFAST IS READY.

WHAT THE HELL YOU WEARING?

WHAT?

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL STARING AT?

I DON'T WANT YOU IN HERE EVER, YOU HEAR ME?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THESE GUYS ARE LIKE.

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, STEVE.

LOOK, I TOLD YOU TO DO SOMETHING, NOW DO IT.

I DON'T WANT THESE SONS OF BITCHES STARING AT YOU.

SURE, STEVE, WHATEVER YOU SAY.

I DON'T WANT YOU SHITHEADS STARING AT HER, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

AND YOU'D BETTER ACT LIKE FUCKIN' GENTLEMEN

WHEN THE LADY'S AROUND.

SOME LADY.

SHE USED TO SELL HER MOUTH FOR A NICKEL.

SOMETHING ON YOUR MIND?

I DIDN'T SAY NOTHIN'.

THAT'S GOOD. I THOUGHT I HEARD SOMEBODY SAY

MY WIFE SUCKED COCK.

WIND PLAYS TRICKS ON YOU.

YOU CAN HEAR SHIT.

YAH!

Man: HEY, HEY, HEY!

AAH!

THIS WHAT YOU SAID MY WIFE DID?

HUH?!

MR. DIXON, HE CAN'T BREATHE.

LET HIM GO! HE WAS JUST KIDDING.

NOBODY KIDS ABOUT MY WIFE.

YOU ASSHOLES UNDERSTAND?

EVERYBODY, GET TO WORK!

Liz: WHAT IS IT ABOUT MEN?

WHEN THEY WANT YOU THE FIRST TIME,

THEY DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY THINKS OF YOU,

BUT AS SOON AS THEY THINK OF YOU AS THEIRS,

THEY WANT YOU AS PURE AS THE FUCKING MADONNA.

WHAT IN THE HELL WAS THE MEANING OF THAT?

I DON'T WANT THEM STARING AT YOU.

YOU'RE MY WIFE, GODDAMN IT.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF,

THAT ONE OF THEM MIGHT FUCK BETTER THAN YOU CAN?

Liz: IT WASN'T THE FIRST TIME A MAN HAD SCREWED ME

BECAUSE HE WAS JEALOUS.

BUT IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAD HATED IT.

AND I FELT THE BOREDOM COMING BACK.

I CAN TELL YOU FROM EXPERIENCE,

THERE'S NOTHING IN THE WORLD WORSE THAN BOREDOM.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

FOR A WHILE AFTER THAT,

THE MEN WERE AFRAID TO EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE ME.

THERE WERE A LOT OF THEM DONE A LOT MORE

THAN ACKNOWLEDGE ME IN THE PAST.

THE WHOLE MARRIAGE THING HAD WORN THIN IN RECORD TIME.

SORRY TO BOTHER YOU SO EARLY, MA'AM.

MY NAME'S TED... MORGAN.

I COME LOOKING FOR A JOB.

WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A FUCKIN' EMPLOYMENT AGENCY?

WELL, NO, MA'AM.

WHAT I MEANT WAS, THIS HERE'S A LOGGING CAMP, ISN'T IT?

Dixon: WHO THE HELL IS THAT?

DON'T KNOW.

YEAH? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WELL, SIR, I WAS JUST TELLING YOUR WIFE,

I COME LOOKING FOR A JOB.

Liz: MAYBE THINGS ARE PICKING UP AROUND HERE.

LOOKS LIKE A CURE FOR BOREDOM

JUST SHOWED UP AT MY DOORSTEP.

Ted: YEAH, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY.

SO, WHERE YOU BEEN?

WELL, AFTER I LEFT DENVER,

I HIKED UP THROUGH THE ROCKIES

TO THE CANADIAN BORDER.

YEAH? WHERE YOU GOING FROM HERE?

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE OVER TO VANCOUVER,

DOWN TO CALIFORNIA.

I'M A LITTLE BROKE AT THE MOMENT.

I CAN ALWAYS USE AN EXTRA HAND AROUND HERE.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO.

I'M AFRAID I DON'T CARE FOR THOSE, SIR.

HOW ELSE YOU PLAN TO CUT THESE THINGS DOWN, SON?

GUESS I'M A LITTLE BIT OLD-FASHIONED.

WELL, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO...

SAY THE WORD.

GO.

WHOO!

YEAH! ATTABOY!

HE'S A SPEED MACHINE!

OW! OW!

CALL ME UN-AMERICAN,

BUT WATCHING TED CHOP THAT TREE IN HALF...

WOW...

IT JUST MADE ME FORGET ALL MY TROUBLES.

AND AT THAT POINT,

I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING FOR A LITTLE EXCITEMENT...

OF ONE KIND OR ANOTHER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, MR. DIXON?

DECENT.

DECENT? WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING? KID'S A GODDAMN BEAVER.

FASTEST CHOPPING I'VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME.

I THINK WE FOUND OURSELVES A RINGER

FOR THE WOOD-CHOPPING CONTEST.

NOBODY'S GONNA GIVE THAT KID A SHOT IN HELL.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT, MR. DIXON?

WHO TOLD YOU ASSHOLES TO STOP WORKING?

GET BACK TO YOUR TREES, NOW!

THIS AIN'T NO FUCKIN' BREAK!

BUT, MR. DIXON, I DON'T GET IT. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

I'M WARNING YOU, SNAZ, GET BACK TO WORK

OR I'LL FIRE YOUR FUCKIN' ASS!

YOU WANT THE JOB, YOU GOT IT.

LET'S GET ONE THING CLEAR.

THAT TOURNEY BULLSHIT'S ON YOUR TIME, NOT MINE.

ON MY CLOCK, YOU HACK PAY-WOOD.

ANY PROBLEMS?

NO PROBLEM, SIR.

MRS. DIXON?

HELLO?

MRS. DIXON?

YES? WHO IS IT?

IT'S TED, MA'AM.

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BOX MOVED.

WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

I'M UP HERE, TED.

MRS. DIXON?

YOU IN HERE?

MRS. DIXON?

I'M IN HERE, TED.

MRS. DIXON?

OH, GOD, I'M SORRY.

I CAN'T REACH THE TOWEL, TED...

PLEASE?

HERE YOU GO.

THANKS.

WOULD YOU DRY MY BACK FOR ME?

I DON'T THINK I SHOULD BE IN HERE, MRS. DIXON.

LIZ.

I'M NOT GOING TO HURT YOU, TED.

I JUST WANT YOU TO DRY MY BACK.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO GET THE FRONT FIRST?

OH, OK, YOU WIN.

BACK FIRST.

LISTEN, I'LL COME BACK LATER.

I SHOULDN'T BE HERE. MR. DIXON WOULDN'T APPROVE.

DON'T MIND HIM.

I DON'T.

HE'S MY BOSS, MA'AM.

NO.

I'M YOUR BOSS.

I CAN EVEN GIVE YOU A RAISE.

SHIT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I KNOW I SHOULDN'T, BUT...

YOU GUYS WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW HOT SHE IS.

SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

I'M TELLING YOU FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, MAN,

STAY AWAY FROM HER.

AH, DON'T LISTEN TO ARTIE. HE'S A FUCKIN' WIMP.

I SAY, IF THE PUSSY WANTS A FRIEND,

YOU PET IT.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE I OUGHT TO JUST TAKE MY WAGES AND MOVE ON.

AH, SHIT, DON'T LET THAT POCKET CLIMAX DRIVE YOU AWAY FROM HERE.

SHE AIN'T WORTH IT.

BESIDES, MAN, WE NEED YOU IF WE GONNA WIN THAT TOURNAMENT.

COME ON. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WHAT THE HELL, RIGHT?

HA HA! I LOVE THIS KID!

HERE'S TO TEDDY BOY, OUR ACE IN THE HOLE.

I WANT TO KNOW

WHICH ONE OF YOU HAS BEEN FUCKIN' MY WIFE.

AIN'T NOBODY BEEN FUCKIN' YOUR WIFE, MR. DIXON.

BULLSHIT!

I FOUND ONE OF YOUR WORK GLOVES

IN MY BEDROOM!

SURE IT AIN'T ONE OF YOURS?

WAS IT YOU?

YOU SEEM TO KNOW AN AWFUL LOT ABOUT HER.

IT WASN'T ARTIE THAT MADE THAT CRACK ABOUT YOUR WIFE

THE OTHER DAY, MR. DIXON. IT WAS ME.

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

IT AIN'T MY GLOVE, MR. DIXON!

IT AIN'T ARTIE'S! IT AIN'T TED'S! IT AIN'T ANYBODY'S!

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF.

YOU WERE A HELL OF A GUY BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED.

THAT WOMAN'S DRIVING YOU CRAZY.

LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

YOU THINK THE LONE WOLF IS STILL OPEN?

ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.

I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA GO WITH YOU GUYS.

WHY? WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE SOMEONE GETS HURT.

GOING SOMEWHERE?

Liz: HE WAS SO EASY. MEN ALWAYS ARE.

EVEN THE ONES WHO ALWAYS WANT TO BE ON TOP

JUST LOVE BEING SEDUCED.

IS IT SOMETHING I SAID... OR DID?

YOU KNOW, TED, WHEN MY HUSBAND FOUND THAT GLOVE,

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL HIM.

I SWORE TO GOD I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING,

BUT HE JUST WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME.

MRS. DIXON, PLEASE.

COME ON, TED, I'M NOT ASKING FOR MUCH.

IF I HAVE TO, I'LL TELL HIM WHOSE GLOVE IT IS.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

I CAN'T DO THIS.

SURE YOU CAN. IT'S EASY.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CLOSE YOUR EYES AND LAY BACK.

I'LL DO ALL THE HARD WORK.

IT'S NOT RIGHT.

FUCK WHAT'S RIGHT.

I WANT YOU SO BAD, LIZZIE.

YOU WANT IT, DON'T YOU?

OH, GOD.

YEAH.

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?

UHH!

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

OHH!

OHH!

YOU WANT IT. YOU WANT IT SO BAD, DON'T YOU?

YEAH.

HUH? OH!

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

HE FORCED ME! HE MADE ME!

SHE'S LYING, MR. DIXON! SHE CAME HERE TO SEDUCE ME!

AAH!

YAH!

YAH!

YAH!

YAH!

AARRRRR!

Liz: CUT HIM!

AAH!

Liz: IT WAS THE LAST THING I WANTED,

ESPECIALLY SINCE THE DOC SAID IT WAS PERMANENT.

BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, CRY ABOUT IT?

MAYBE IT'S BETTER TO BE BLIND, ANYWAY.

THE WORLD'S AN UGLY PLACE.

HEY, KID.

IT'S ME. SNAZ.

YOU'RE GONNA BE OK, YOU UNDERSTAND?

WE'RE NOT GOING TO LET THIS GET YOU DOWN.

NOSIRREE. WE ARE NOT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SIT UP. YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

COME ON.

OOP. WATCH YOURSELF.

HERE. YOU'RE GONNA HELP US WIN THAT TOURNAMENT.

HOW THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO THAT, SEEING AS I'M BLIND?

YEAH, BUT YOU'RE A NATURAL.

WE'RE JUST GONNA TEACH YOU

A FEW NEW JOB SKILLS, THAT'S ALL.

YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE THESE THINGS.

HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU'RE GONNA LEARN TO LOVE IT, BUDDY.

BESIDES, WAIT TILL THEY GET A LOAD OF YOU...

LITTLE STEVIE LUMBER.

COME ON WITH US. YEAH. WE GOT YOU.

WATCHING THE MEN WORK WITH TED BOTHERED ME.

WHY WERE THEY SO DETERMINED

TO HAVE HIM IN THEIR SILLY TOURNAMENT?

DIDN'T THEY ALL HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?

YOU CAN DO IT.

DO IT, TED.

AMPUTATE.

MAKE IT PAY FOR ITS MISTAKE.

DO IT, TED. AMPUTATE.

MAKE IT PAY FOR ITS MISTAKE.

DO IT, TED. AMPUTATE.

MAKE IT PAY FOR ITS MISTAKE.

DO IT, TED. AMPUTATE.

MAKE IT PAY FOR ITS MISTAKE.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT, TED.

DO IT, TED-O!

HEY, GO CRAZY, MAN!

YEAH, WHAT IS IT?

MR. DIXON,

TED'S LEARNED A NEW TRICK HE'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

WE'D LIKE YOU TO JOIN US, MR. D.

HEY, TEDDY-BOY.

HEY, THIS AIN'T SO BAD AFTER ALL.

I TOLD YOU HE WAS GONNA LOVE IT.

NOW WE GOT SOME BIGGER LOGS FOR YOU TO WORK ON.

YEAH? BRING 'EM ON!

SEE HOW YOU DO WITH THESE.

DO IT, TED-O!

GO CRAZY, MAN!

DO IT, TED-O!

HEY, GO CRAZY, MAN!

HA HA HA HA!

I LOVE THIS KID!

GET 'EM, TED-O, YEAH!

YOU GOT THE OTHER ONE NEXT, BUDDY. YOU GOT THE OTHER ONE NEXT!

HA HA HA HA HA!

HEY, GUYS, I'M GETTIN' PRETTY GOOD AT THIS.

YOU GOT ANY MORE?

GREAT WORK, KID. YOU READY FOR THE NEXT ONE?

Liz: SNAZ AND ARTIE AND THE BOYS HAD FOUND

WHAT I'D SPENT YEARS LOOKING FOR...

THE CURE FOR A TERMINAL CASE OF BOREDOM.

OH, YEAH!

Ted: I FEEL GREAT!

YEAH!

I LOVE YOU GUYS!

MMM. NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL SUSHI ROLL.

I GUESS LIZ WAS RIGHT.

A GOOD MAN IS HARD TO FIND.

ESPECIALLY AFTER HE'S BEEN CHOPPED INTO SO MANY PIECES!

AH HA HA HA HA HA!

WELL, KIDDIES,

I'VE GOT A LITTLE CHOPPING TO DO OF MY OWN.

IT'S MY PRODUCER'S BIRTHDAY.

HE'S ALWAYS WANTED FINAL CUT,

AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE'S GETTING.

AH HA HA HA HA!

AH HA HA HA HA!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE... www.ncicap.org...