Original subtitles

(HIGH-PITCHED) Whoa.

Look who's come crawling back to beg for his job.

Neither crawling nor begging.

Just retrieving the last of my things.

Oh, and you just happen to be retrieving it all

the exact moment I always come in to work?

I've never seen you in the office before noon.

Before noon? What time is it?

8:00. O'clock?

Anyway, listen. I've thought about it.

I'm willing to take you back.

I mean, who even remembers

why you left in the first place?

I do.

Under the guise of a flu shot,

you implanted a GPS tracking chip into my arm.

Are we still talking about this?

It was a week ago.

No matter.

I have a new job, which I also happen to love.

Oh, yeah. What's this gig again?

You're a, uh, call center operator?

Street urchin? Hmm.

Snake charmer?

Are you fin... Magic carpet repairman?

I am assistant to Mr. William Charles,

president of one of New York's

premier commercial real estate firms,

and I will have you know, sir,

I have already learned more there

than I did in five years here.

Well, a teacher's only as good as his student.

So you have nothing else to say?

Because when I walk out that door,

I will never set foot in this office again.

Sounds good.

Typical.

I'd be a fool to expect anything more.

Timmy, wait.

There is something.

Yes?

Have you seen my "no fat chicks" sign?

I haven't, no.

Perhaps one of the full-figured gals ate it.

♪ How many ways to say I love you?

♪ How many ways to say that I'm not scared?

♪ With you by my side There is no denying

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

God, you are humongous.

When is this baby due?

Two and a half weeks. When is your mustache due?

Hey, Jeff, will you please pass the salt?

Oh, sure. Here you go.

You've got to meet me halfway.

Jeff, just give it to her. This is as far as I can push it.

Just give it. Oh.

Why do you have to taunt the woman who's carrying our baby?

Because you won't.

Somebody's got to represent.

Will you hurry up and have this kid?

I want the attention back to me.

Trust me, I can't wait.

I can't even bend over anymore.

You know, the other day in the subway, I dropped my bag.

I just left it there.

Anyway, you want to hear the worst part? ALL: Mmm-hmm.

If I laugh too hard, I pee.

Uh, wait a second. You've been wetting your pants?

No, it's... It's perfectly normal.

Yeah, if you're 11.

Four?

Yeah, it only happened once,

and so I've just decided to avoid anything funny.

Hence this booth.

(LAUGHING)

Audrey, come on. We should get going.

We don't want to be late for the movie.

The movie doesn't start for an hour. It's only three blocks away.

Yeah, I know. We're going to be cutting it pretty close.

Okay. I see what you mean.

I'll be home around 10:00.

Oh, this is the best thing ever.

(SCOFFS) Audrey's only going to be gone a couple hours.

You must really not like your wife.

Nah, I love the feisty broad.

I'm talking about Brenda.

When she laughs,

she...she pees.

So if I can make her laugh,

maybe she'll pee herself.

Then what?

Well, like there needs to be more?

That's the whole thing.

You know, I'd help,

but I've got interviews set up for Timmy's replacement.

He's really not coming back, huh?

Oh, he wants to.

Came by a couple weeks ago.

"Hey, can I have my job back?"

I'm like, "No".

And he's like, "Please, sir, I'm begging."

(SINGSONG) Jen.

We're getting married tonight.

Oh, that's such a romantic way to wake me up.

Romantic?

Honey, you know my voice gets all singsongy

when I get nervous.

Now, now, get up. Get up.

We have a million things to do.

Adam, everything's gonna be fine, okay?

It's all under control. Under control?

Oh, no. We've got to work out the seating chart,

then I've got to pick up my suit from the dry cleaner's,

and if you think I'm done choreographing our first dance,

you're insane. Ugh.

Look, it's all taken care of, okay?

(CLEARING THROAT) We planned a simple, small get-together

to avoid all the usual wedding craziness.

So just calm down, okay?

If you get nervous, you're gonna make me nervous.

Okay. I hear you, I hear you.

But I have barely scratched the surface of my to-do list.

To-do list?

"Add hydrangeas to centerpieces?" Can we?

It's unseasonably warm. I don't know.

"Invent signature wedding cocktail?"

Already got the name.

The "Jadam".

Train Mambo to be ring bearer."

We are not having your bird be the ring bearer.

He is your bird too.

Come on,

just let me stay in bed a while longer.

Okay.

Well, "Final premarital intercourse" is on the list.

All right, look. We've got to multi-task, okay?

So while we're doing it,

you've gotta think of garnishes for the "Jadam."

Ugh. Ow! Hey.

(SIGHS) Jeff, Jen and I are going to get wedding day massages.

Did you do something with my purse?

Yeah, I took it to work yesterday.

Really made my outfit pop.

Ha, ha.

Just go back to reading your book.

Wait, you're reading a book?

Yeah, it's a joke book. Guess why.

Something stupid?

I'm gonna try to make Brenda laugh so hard

that she pees in her underpants.

Why on earth would you do that?

'Cause I don't want to be the guy

who could have made my friend pee in her pants

and didn't.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Aha, there she is.

Big day. You nervous?

Yes, but only because Adam's driving me crazy.

Oh, Mambo?

Oh, no, it's gone way beyond just bird stuff.

(LAUGHING) Okay, let's get you to the spa for some relaxation.

Here's the thing.

It would relax me a lot more

if you would just take Adam instead.

Are you sure? Why?

Because if he's getting a massage,

he's not ruining our wedding.

I don't want to come home to find

that I'm being walked down the aisle by Mambo.

Honey, my goal is to relax you.

So if this does it, fine. Yeah, I'll take Adam.

Hey, hey.

Which tux for Mambo, okay?

I'm thinking this one if he's a guest,

and this one if he's walking you down the aisle.

Good morning, Timir.

Ah, good morning, sir.

Your daily schedule is on your desk,

as are your phone messages.

Oh, and as I have a wedding to attend this evening,

I was wondering if it'd be all right if I left at 5:00?

Well, yes, that's when the workday ends, anyway.

It ends? How refreshing.

Did you receive the details

on tomorrow evening's cocktail reception?

I did. The reception begins at 7:30,

so I figured we'd leave at 7:00.

I thought perhaps you'd need a wingman.

You know, in case a lady you're interested in has an unpleasant friend.

That won't be necessary.

It's a business function. I'm not there to meet women.

Of course.

Besides, you have enough duties already.

Ha. Duties.

Pardon? Pardon?

Anyway, Timir, you're doing a great job.

I can't imagine your old boss

finding a better replacement. Mmm.

Well, knowing him,

I'm sure he's conducting a thoroughly professional search.

Confucius say, if you're gonna be my new assistant,

I'll be getting my own cokes.

Okay, La bamba,

I don't mind the occasional siesta,

but I don't want your whole family

moving into the office, comprende?

You brought the HR lady with you, huh?

I like that. You're smart.

All right, welcome aboard.

Thank you very much.

All right, murder-ball, let's get started.

So the bartender says,

"Lady, we don't even have a mechanical bull."

Yeah, yeah, that is by far the best one.

You know, still not worth the cab ride over here, but funny.

It was. So, uh...

Anything come out, or...

What?

You know...whiz-wise.

Jeff, are you actually trying to make me pee myself?

Yeah.

All right. Well, it's not gonna happen,

'cause your corny jokes, just not cutting it.

Mmm. Well, that's okay, because I got backup.

Check out this video right here.

(PAINED GRUNT) (LAUGHS)

Ow!

Right in the nuts. Yeah.

Ow.

That guy is not all right. Yeah, no.

Anything?

No. And you realize that, if anything were to happen,

that I'm sitting on your couch, right?

Be worth it. Here.

Check out this one.

(PAINED GROANS) (LAUGHS)

It's the same thing.

Different nuts.

Oh, boy, I cannot tell you

how much I have been looking forward to this.

A nice, quiet hour.

Why are there two tables?

I mean, where is it written

that a ring bearer can't be a bird, you know?

Oh, hey, Audrey.

Uh, why is he here?

Your certificate was for a couple's massage.

Oh. I didn't realize.

Well, we are not a couple,

so we're gonna need separate rooms.

I'm sorry, but every room is booked today.

Uh, okay, I'm... I'm not sure this is gonna work for me.

Hey, come on. Audrey, look.

We're both adults here, right?

And we both really need massages.

It's only as uncomfortable as we make it.

Uh, yeah.

I mean, I guess you're...

Naked.

Um... Come on.

Let's get our rub on.

Oh, hey.

What's going on, roly-poly?

Hi, Mr. Dunbar.

I put your messages on your desk.

I was just about to head to the men's room.

Oh, boy.

All right, see you in an hour, I guess.

(PHONE RINGING) (RUSSELL GROANS)

(SIGHS)

I'll... Ugh. I gotta go all the way over.

R. T. Dunbar.

Mr. Dunbar?

It's Timmy.

Oh, I knew a Timmy once.

Mmm.

Answering your own phone?

Unable to find a replacement for me?

Oh, no, I found a replacement in, like, mmm, nine seconds.

And he's really hit the ground running.

How are you getting along with your precious new boss?

Oh, very well.

He's all business, very professional, just as I wanted.

Anyway, I'm merely calling because I think

I left my gray cardigan there.

Have you seen it?

Uh, no, I haven't.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got a lot of cool things to do

with my awesome new assistant.

(EXHALES)

I wish you didn't quit me, Timmy.

His office could, at this moment,

be overrun with fat chicks.

And they think they belong.

(MOANING) Oh, yeah.

Yeah, thanks. Oh, oh, yeah.

That's...that's good stuff right there.

Hey, thanks again for this, Audrey.

I mean, it is so, so relaxing.

You know, I really needed this,

because, to be honest,

Jen's really getting on my nerves a little bit, so...

I'm really happy you're enjoying yourself.

I prefer my massages to be silent.

I hear you loud and clear.

Yeah, because when things get quiet,

that's really when the other senses kick in.

Whoa, it smells awesome in here.

Hey, do I detect a hint of sage?

Adam? Huh?

Shh.

Oh. Right, no, I'm sorry.

Phew!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, now, stop it.

Oh, my God. Listen to me.

Listen, I just came up with the greatest idea for the wedding, right?

A signature scent.

Just as we're about to have our first kiss...

Poof! Sage bomb.

Stop talking to me.

Roger that.

Hey, don't be afraid to, like, really get in there.

Like, really push down on my muscles.

I'm super, super tight.

Will do. Okay.

I forgot your name.

(WHISPERING) Janice. Janice.

Janice, hey, Janice.

Hey, I'm Adam, right?

This is my friend Audrey over here.

And listen, you need to talk very quietly,

because she's trying to relax.

Okay.

Oh, hey. Hey, Jan-Jan, Jan-Jan.

How'd you get into the massage game, huh?

I mean, did you come from, like, a long line of masseuser-ers?

Adam!

Don't talk to anyone.

All right. I get it.

(GROANS)

(SIGHS)

(MOANING)

Oh, yeah.

Ahh!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(DOOR SLAMMING SHUT)

Can I at least have my robe?

Thank you.

You want to order now

or wait till your perverted little troll friend shows up?

Oh, uh, he won't be joining me.

After five long years together,

Mr. Dunbar and I have parted ways.

Wow!

Who gets custody of me not caring?

Well, no matter.

My new boss is much better.

He gives me a whole hour for lunch.

I could go to a museum,

the park, catch up on my reading.

The possibilities are all so exciting.

I get 15 minutes to eat saltines standing up.

Uh, hey.

I've got some food to get, but I don't really know how this works.

Ordinarily, I'd have my assistant pick it up,

but his legs are all... (BLOWS A RASPBERRY)

Mr. Dunbar.

Hey, Timmy.

You look well.

As do you.

Well, I should. My new assistant is taking great care of me.

Oh, he's texting me right now.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God. He's so funny.

"LOL."

It's nice to have an assistant with a sense of humor.

I'm giving Mr. Charles his schedule right now.

And sent.

So nice to have a boss for whom professionalism is paramount.

Thank you.

Well, I'll smell you later. And I you.

Sir, wait.

Yes, Timmy?

♪ Missing you

♪ Missing you

♪ Missing you

♪ Missing you

♪ Missing you

♪ Missing you

♪ Missing you

♪ Missing you

♪ Every time I think of you

♪ I always catch my breath

♪ And I'm still standing here

♪ And you're miles away

♪ And I'm wondering why you left

♪ And there's a storm that's raging

♪ Through my frozen heart tonight

♪ I hear your name

♪ In certain circles

♪ And it always makes me smile

♪ I spend my time thinking about you ♪

You forgot to pay.

Oh.

You know what? Put it on his tab.

No, no, no, no, no. Just the violinist.

That'll be fine.

Yes, you can cancel the dueling banjos.

That was my fiance.

(BIRD SQUAWKS) No!

No, Mambo! Not today!

Today is my day!

All right, you're paying for everything,

so, go ahead, give it your best shot.

I'm not gonna give you my best shot,

but you know who is?

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

(IMITATING ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER)

Yeah, uh... I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger.

(NORMAL VOICE) That was Arnold Schwarzenegger.

No, it wasn't.

Well, then, uh, how about boxing sensation Rocky Balboa?

(IMITATING ROCKY BALBOA) Hey, yo, I'm Rocky Balboa.

Yo, Adrian, I'm punching meat.

(SHARP BREATHS)

Oh!

Well, at least somebody wet their pants.

I'm gonna go dry up, but don't be surprised...

(IMITATING BILL COSBY) If you get a visit from Bill Cosby.

Let's order up some pudding pops.

Oh!

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.

Okay, now, that's funny.

Oh, Jeff! I wish you could've...

You could've seen yourself.

Just your giant body flying through the air.

(LAUGHING)

Uh-oh.

Did it happen?

Did I make you pee?

I don't think that was pee.

Audrey, Audrey, I've got some really important news.

Get...out!

Jeff just called.

(SINGSONG) Brenda's water broke.

Oh.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hey, Adam.

It's almost time. Are you on your way?

What?

So Brenda's having the baby right now?

Super.

Son of a bitch.

(BIRD SQUAWKS)

JENNIFER: I will cook you for dinner, Mambo!