Original subtitles

Yo, Tim Tim. Mmm.

This weekend, monster truck rally

at Madison Square Garden.

Redneck chicks so drunk on moonshine,

they'll think I'm Leonardo Dicaprio,

and you're Kumar.

I'll have to pass.

All right, how about this?

Bridal expo at the Javits Center, huh?

"Oh, ha-ha, I didn't get the dress I wanted.

"I want a party with Leo Dicaprio and Kumar."

Seems rock solid, sir, but again, pass.

I know what you want,

but no one's gonna believe you're DiCaprio.

Get real.

(CLAPS) Hey, Timmy, Jen and I are in for dinner

with your parents on Saturday... Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm...

Oh, yeah. It's gonna be sweet!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Your parents are coming all the way from India,

and the only person you invited to meet them is the office idiot?

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Yeah.

You didn't get invited,

but the office idiot did.

Sir, I didn't invite you because, and please don't take this the wrong way.

I loathe you.

Timmy, I know you're foreign,

but it's pronounced love.

Look, I know I'm not always the perfect boss.

Sir, you stole my fiancee,

accused me of sexual harassment when I saved your life,

and make me apply ointments to areas of your body

we both know you can reach yourself.

Well, just 'cause I can reach them

doesn't mean I wanna touch them.

Anyway, this is the first time

your parents have been here.

Sir, I don't even understand why you care so much.

I mean, let's face it. You're a narcissist,

who has no interest in the lives of others.

Sir, you're admiring yourself

in the reflection of my glasses, aren't you?

I could pass as DiCaprio.

(SIGHS)

♪ How many ways to say I love you?

♪ How many ways to say that I'm not scared?

♪ With you by my side There is no denying

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

Boom! Boom!

Boom.

Boom, boom... Okay.

Funny. I guess I deserve that

for giving you and your wife a baby.

Brenda, just ignore him.

I mean, come on, look at you.

You're glowing.

It's sweat and angry hormones.

In that case, I'm so sorry.

Hey, how about this.

Why don't you come on over for a big Saturday night?

You could watch me drink.

As intriguing as that isn't,

I can't because I'm catering an alumni event

at Columbia university.

Oh, Columbia? BRENDA: Yeah.

Huh, I wonder if we're gonna hear about

how my wife almost got in there.

I was wait-listed. I could've gone there.

If 400 smarter kids decided not to,

but if you didn't go to Syracuse,

you wouldn't have met me.

Don't make it worse.

What's your, uh... What's your event for?

Um, Malcolm Gladwell wrote a book,

and he's giving a talk about it,

but then I am catering the reception.

I love his stuff.

Yeah? They gave me extra tickets

if you guys wanna go.

Oh, so it's a fellow who wrote a book talking about his book?

Sounds like an awful lot of book.

We're going. Come on. He's a great author.

It'll be full of interesting people. I wanna go.

Okay. Great. I'll drop the tickets by later.

Oh, you know what this means.

You finally get into Columbia.

(GLASSES CLINKING) ALL: Cheers.

Mmm.

Mmm. It is so nice to meet you, Varsha and Rahm.

Timmy is one of my favorite people.

Aw. (LAUGHS)

Really?

Yes. Wow.

Well, you think you know someone.

So, Rahm, what's good here?

Well, I love the mutter paneer.

Oh, the mutter paneer.

Mmm.

Oh, no, well, the mutter paneer is only rated at two.

It's probably terrible.

Yep, no, here's a picture. Straight up vomit.

Mr. Rhodes, the numbers

aren't actually a quality rating.

They tell you how spicy the dish is.

One is the mildest, 12 is the spiciest.

Ah. I am all about spicy foods.

See, at Taco Bell,

I always go for the El Scorcho burrito, Varsh.

There is no such thing as an El Scorcho burrito.

I created it in the fires of my imagination.

So I'm thinking I'm gonna go eight.

I might go eight or maybe nine.

Well, uh...

I would strongly advise you not to go above a four.

Oh, Rahm. Rahm-a-lama-ding-dong.

The more you tell me not to do something,

the more I'm gonna do it.

It's not something to brag about.

Well, now, I'm just gonna brag more.

You have got to be kidding me.

Oh, look who it is. What are the chances?

These must be your parents.

Please leave. Just go away.

Shubh Sandhya. Mera naam Russell hai.

Ooh! A hindi speaker.

Yeah, I just said, "Good evening. My name is Russell."

Timmy's so Americanized.

I love your sherwani.

Thank you.

This is my favorite of all the ones I have.

I own very many.

Hello, sir. Are you with this party?

Oh, no, he is not.

No, he's right. I'm dining alone tonight.

I'll be over here, and if you hear me choking and gagging,

and you wanna give me the Heimlich,

I'd love it, but you don't have to,

uh, 'cause again, I'm by myself.

We won't hear of that. You'll join us.

Please. Oh, I couldn't!

Sir.

Do you really think you can convince my parents

you're a decent person

simply by learning a phrase or two

and dressing up like the Indian Liberace?

I assumed you'd want your parents

to meet your best friend and mentor.

Sir, I abhor you.

Yeah, you bore everyone, but I thought your parents might be interesting.

I told you specifically I didn't want you here.

Why? You think I'm not good enough?

I know you're not good enough.

Well, I think you're wrong,

and I think your parents are gonna love me.

Fine.

But when the real Russell comes out,

you'll offend my parents,

offend everyone at the restaurant,

and the jig will be up.

Yeah. Hey, you know what else is up?

I'll give you a hint. I'm going commando,

and this silk is super soft!

(GIGGLES)

Whoo-hoo!

Feels good.

(SIGHS) That was one of the best lectures I've ever heard.

Yeah. I'd put it right up there with your lecture

on what goes in the top rack of the dishwasher.

But, again, I've only heard his once.

Uh-huh.

His was a little hard to hear

with you unwrapping a jolly rancher for 15 minutes.

I'm no quitter.

Look, I gotta go find someone to talk to who's not you.

Go nuts.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, wow. Great lecture, huh?

Oh, he is just so insightful. Yeah.

My...my name's Audrey.

Uh, I'm Evelyn. Marjorie.

Did you go to Columbia, Audrey?

It was my first choice.

So are you coming back next month

for the Jonathan Franzen lecture?

Oh, I'll definitely go to that.

I love Jonathan Franzen.

Hopefully, that idiot with the candy wrapper won't be here.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, right? Who brought him?

Jack, this is a disaster. Oh, tell me about it.

That guy who spoke was lights-out boring.

Guess what?

I just got invited to come to another lecture next month.

Okay, I'd be really happy for you,

except that my waitress and my bartender both just flaked on me...

I am totally screwed.

That's terrible. No booze or food?

Let's hit the road. No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I hate to ask you guys this,

but do you think there's any way, Audrey,

you could cover for my waitress,

and Jeff, you could possibly get behind the bar?

Please, please, please, please?

Oh, Jeff's not gonna wanna do that.

Stand unsupervised behind a bar full of alcohol?

That's number nine on my bucket list.

(SIGHS) thank you.

Oh, all right, fine.

Thank you. I will get you an apron.

Yeah, you're gonna have to show her how to put it on too.

(SCOFFS)

The answer is three.

One Nepalese to hold the light bulb,

and the other two to spin him on the ladder.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, we do love a good Nepalese joke.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, 'cause they're idiots.

Maybe you could explain why they're idiots.

Come on, man, 'cause they're Nepalese!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Adam, how are you enjoying your dinner?

Good.

Yeah, level seven's got a little kick.

Still wish you wouldn't have talked me out of that level ten.

(CLEARS THROAT AND GROANS)

Mr. Rhodes, you are aware that water

just helps spread the spice around. (GROANS)

Yeah, yeah, that's what's happening right now.

Oh, God.

Ah, it's nothing I can't handle, though. Uh!

Really, it looks like you're struggling.

(SIGHS) I am not.

Adam, let it go. No, I'm not gonna let it go.

Varsha called me out, honey.

She stepped to me.

I don't understand this idiom.

It's pronounced "idiot."

Adam, I can handle the spicier dishes

because I grew up with them, but you did not.

Oh.

You...you... You just went there.

Huh?

He just went there, Jen.

He didn't go anywhere.

Hey, challenge accepted. Excuse me, sir.

Lamb vindaloo, level ten.

Adam, you cannot handle a ten.

You know what? You're right.

Level 12.

(EXHALES) But sir... I said 12!

Jack, stop that!

Come on, you're embarrassing me.

Why are you so desperate to try and fit in with these people?

Try?

I already fit in with these people.

Maybe you're on the wait list to fit in

if 400 other...

Oh, shut up.

Audrey, remember how I asked you to pass these out,

not put them on top of the piano

with a note that says, "Take one"?

(EXHALES) Fine.

Hey. What have you got on tap?

Suffer through this, maybe go home

and take a run at the old lady.

Hmm, well, if she's anything like my wife, good luck.

She is, and...thanks.

So, uh, Marjorie, what is your favorite Franzen book?

What? Are those shrimp puffs?

Oh, yeah.

You, uh, both might be wondering

why I'm now serving hors d'oeuvres,

but I'm just doing a favor for a friend,

my surrogate, actually.

Oh, can I give you something?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I did not care for that.

Excuse us.

Audrey, I hate to be all boss-like,

but I'm gonna need a little less talky

and a little more walky.

(SINGSONG) You got in trouble.

This food is so good.

No wonder it's so popular with India's 1.24 billion people.

Mmm, look who stopped watching porn long enough

to look India up on Wikipedia.

Why are you treating Russell this way?

He's nothing like you've been

describing him over the past year.

What? Whatever could he have said about me?

You know, you're right.

I should absolutely appreciate the effort he's made

to know so much about India.

Mmm.

Like, for example, its capital city.

Um, Calcutta, right?

Yeah. Ah-ha!

Yeah, it was Calcutta under the British raj,

but then, of course, in 1911, it became New Delhi.

The major river. Ganges.

Mountain range. Himalayas...

National bird. Peacock...

The fa... Gandhi.

BOTH: How did you know that?

I'm just that in tune with my fellow man, I guess.

Okay, your lamb vindaloo, sir, level twelve.

Enjoy. (CHUCKLES)

Well, that was quick.

Adam, you don't have to do this.

No, I can handle it.

I mean, you've seen me bite into a bell pepper.

Bell peppers aren't hot. Not to me.

Not to anyone.

(HIGH-PITCHED CRY)

Oh, oh, my God! Holy mother!

My...it's burning up my whole mouth!

Oh!

Oh, God! I've got sauce in my eyes!

Are you okay? Don't draw attention to me!

Oh, good God!

Oh! Oh!

(ALL LAUGHING)

And speaking of economics,

this is my trickle-down theory.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, how'd the mini quiche go over?

Good. Only three rejects.

Ugh, this job is disgusting.

She said about my livelihood.

Listen, it's time for dessert.

Can you please circulate the fruit tarts?

Uh, you know what? I have realized

why these women are not responding to me.

It's this apron.

They're seeing me not as one of them.

They're seeing me as a worker.

Hmm, glad someone's seeing you as a worker.

Now, we are all back on equal footing.

Thank you. Hmm.

Ooh! Oh.

Sorry about that.

Uh, can I give you this?

That's it. We are switching jobs.

Fine, but, uh, we're not pooling tips.

You have tips?

I'm not.

Well, it's not surprising. Your uniform's filthy.

It's not a uniform.

All right, you will see, I do fit in with these people

when I'm the one gettin' 'em drunk.

See how things go for you

when you gotta serve Brenda's crappy food.

Yes, word of mouth is the best advertisement.

Listen, Audrey,

I really need you to serve dessert to these people,

or, you know, at the very least, let them lick your dress.

Well, I am behind the bar now, okay?

Jeff is the one serving dessert.

Sure! I mean, it is your catering company,

and Jeff, dessert trays are in the kitchen.

You got it, boss. Thank you.

All right, we need 50 glasses of champagne right away.

50? Yes, for the toast.

(SIGHS)

Oh, that's no fun.

(LAUGHING)

Would you ladies care for some dessert?

Oh, I really shouldn't. I'm dieting.

Me too. Oh, what for?

I mean, I'm married, but you guys aren't fat.

Oh, well, thank you.

(LAUGHTER)

(GROANS AND SPITS)

Help.

With all you know of our land and culture, Russell,

it's surprising you haven't been to India.

Oh, I have been, Varsha, but only in my heart.

(LAUGHS)

I actually think I'm going to be sick.

Timir, you're behaving like a real gadha.

(CHUCKLES) You are being a real gadha.

All right. That's it.

Mother, father, the way Mr. Dunbar's portraying himself

is the antithesis of who really is.

A rude, selfish, culturally-insensitive troll.

Moi?

His ego could not accept that I didn't invite him to this dinner,

so he's trying to fool you into believing

that he cares at all about our culture.

Timmy, stop it.

No. Varsha, he's right,

but in the hour I spent on the internet learning about your land,

I became enchanted.

Give it up, Mr. Dunbar.

You're not going to talk your way out of it this time.

(EXHALES) Right again, Timmy.

Words aren't gonna do it,

so I'll have to try something else.

Hit it, Ravi.

(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh...my...God.

Come on!

Right?

Varsha, come on.

Timir, don't fight it. Invite it.

Hey, guys, thank you again.

Jeff, you are literally the best bartender ever.

(LAUGHS) And Audrey,

the swelling on your chin's already going down.

We were happy to help.

(EXHALES)

I made $73.

Listen, you guys go home. I'll finish cleaning up.

No, you and our baby go home and rest.

We got this. Really?

Thank you. It has been kind of a long night.

All right, I'll see you.

Oh, uh, Audrey, maybe don't look at the comment cards.

All right.

Say you told me so.

I don't fit in with this crowd.

You're right. You don't.

Thank you. Oh, it's a good thing.

I mean, you not getting into this stuffy place

is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Really? Yeah.

The Ivy League's loss was my gain.

(LAUGHS) Oh.

Don't touch me. You're filthy.

(GIGGLES)

(INDIAN MUSIC)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)