Original subtitles

Hey, did you water the living room plant last night

like I asked?

I didn't water it, but I did beer it.

Stop pouring beer in our plants.

Stop buying light beer.

I drink light beer.

That's nothing to brag about, Sally.

Look, you are not hanging out with your old buddies till tomorrow.

You have old buddies? Who ever liked you?

It's Homecoming weekend up at Syracuse.

I'm gonna hook up with the old gang.

Ah. You need someone to keep an eye on your lady while you're gone?

Maybe a pair of hands? Ah!

No. I'm gonna go too.

I'm gonna go hang out with a few of my sorority sisters.

Oh, I recently took in a film with a very similar plot.

According to this film, these sorority girls

had quite the adventure as well.

Well, you'd be less intrigued if you saw the size

of Audrey's friends.

Hey!

That is not fair. Well, except for Danielle.

(LAUGHS)

It's been kind of rough sledding for her.

No picnic for the sled either.

You know, it's been five years

since I've seen these knuckleheads,

so I'm pretty psyched for a wild time.

Yeah. Look out, Syracuse.

White guys in Dockers with receding hairlines

coming at you!

Speaking of receding hairlines...

Leave Danielle alone.

Okay, listen.

Just prepare yourselves. For what?

Oh, I see. Mmm.

(LAUGHS) Whoa.

Huh? (GIGGLING)

Guys? RUSSELL: Yeah.

This is Mambo. RUSSELL: Cool.

Mambo, these are my friends. RUSSELL: Yeah.

You look like a gay pirate.

Wrong.

Pirates have parrots, whereas I have a cockatoo.

Yeah, maybe on a slow night.

Please, I beg you. Just take him home.

Honey, the bonding phase is crucial in bird ownership.

He's got to get to know me. I can help him.

Mambo, he's a tool. Bird's up to speed.

♪ How many ways to say I love you?

♪ How many ways to say that I'm not scared

♪ With you by my side There is no denying

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

Hey, I just found out

there's an anti-fur PETA protest tonight,

and you and I are both going.

There's tons of hot chicks there with bleeding hearts

under their tasty racks, right?

So I go find the hottest one, and then you walk in

right on cue, wearing this.

No.

Now let me finish.

Then I get all fake outraged, and I punch you in the face,

and then the girl's like, "Oh!"

And then I get the hottie.

I think not, sir. Oh, come on.

I promise I won't hit you in the glasses this time.

That was a mistake.

For God's sake, when are you going to learn

that there's more to life

than the singular pursuit of tail, sir?

Not anytime soon, I hope.

You're right. Your priorities are unimpeachable.

"Oh, I'm Timmy. I know big words about peaches."

Sir...

As it turns out,

I'm already going somewhere tonight

where there are lots of single ladies eager for company.

Oh! Share the wealth. Hook a player up, brother.

All right. Won't you join me?

I'm in.

If it doesn't work out, we always got plan "B."

"Hey, look at you." Doosh-doosh-doosh.

"Oh, my hero."

Raiding the mini-bar? That's not like you.

I'm in 314.

A bottle of vodka's missing from the mini-bar.

I didn't want you to charge us for it.

That's like you.

Just wetting my whistle.

Not like I see these animals every day.

When we get together, it's crazy.

There's nobody in the world I'd rather spend time with than these guys.

Huh. Always nice for a wife to hear.

Well, can't you have fun with them sober?

I guess we'll never find out.

(LAUGHS) Well, you go have your fun.

But when you get back,

do not climb on top of me naked.

I didn't hear any complaints last time.

Well, it's a little hard to talk

with a mouthful of chest hair.

So you're saying that perhaps the obligatory hotel sex

should happen now.

No. I'm on my way to meet my...

All right, fine.

But let's make this quick, okay?

I've got my...

Roger that.

Uh, Tim, some of these chicks

are a little long in the tooth.

Um, what sort of nightclub is this?

It's a retirement home, sir. I come here once a week.

Wow, you're into some stuff.

Kinky.

I don't attempt to have sex with them.

Oh, I get it. You make them come to you.

Yeah.

I wouldn't wait too long, not a big shelf life here.

I volunteer and spend time with them.

Oh. Well, why am I here?

Because I'm issuing you a challenge.

I want you to spend one evening helping others,

rather than tending to your own carnal needs.

Right. But then what about my carnal needs?

Sir, I'm just trying to help make you a better person.

My intentions here are pure.

(SIGHS) You know what isn't pure? The air in here.

It's like a giant diaper.

You did it. You did it. Good bird. Good bird. Here.

Jen?

Jen, get in here.

Can it wait? No!

No, I need you.

What is it?

Are you sitting down?

You see I'm standing.

What's going on?

Okay. Mambo just ate a peanut out of my mouth.

Huh? That's what couldn't wait?

No, honey, honey. Check it out.

Check it out, check it out.

All right, watch this.

Good boy. Let's do it again.

Let's do it again. (MIMICKING CHIRP)

No? No?

God, I knew I should have recorded it.

Damn it, trust your instincts, Adam!

Why would you want to record that?

You know those sweet YouTube vids

of animals doing awesome stuff?

Well, I could have made one of those.

I mean, they get tons of hits.

What does it matter if some strangers on the internet

see your bird do a trick?

Boy, could you not get it less?

Honey, we're living in a golden age of unearned fame.

People achieve celebrity for the most ridiculous reasons.

Yes, and it's desperate and pathetic.

And I want in on it.

May I help you? Uh, yes.

Just joining some of my old dearest friends.

Holy crap, I hardly even recognized you fat bastards.

I didn't think it was possible,

but you guys got even uglier.

Hey, Jeff! We're over here!

I'm sorry, fellas. Enjoy your meal.

(LAUGHTER) How you doing?

How are you?

Jimmer! Jeff!

All right, Rudy. What's up, buddy?

Listen, I'm sorry I'm a little late.

I was nailing Jimmer's mom

in the alley behind the Quiznos.

(LAUGHTER)

You're too cheap, you'd never pay for that.

Mom is not a prostitute.

Oh, she just gives it away for free, huh?

(LAUGHTER)

It's great to see you guys. Yeah.

Here's to this being the last thing we remember tonight.

(CHUCKLES)

Aah!

You guys are embarrassing yourselves.

(LAUGHING)

But it wasn't all bad.

Jimmer still got a Snickers bar and a pat on the head.

(LAUGHTER)

So are you gentlemen ready to order?

Well, let's just make this easy.

Why don't you bring us your finest cow and four plates?

Actually, I'll just have the broiled salmon.

Salmon. Does that come with a skirt?

Bingo, he had a heart attack.

That was, like, six months ago.

I'm gonna go with the petite filet.

Petite filet. Boo.

My cholesterol's a little high.

I'm watching what I eat.

Oh, please, on a bet, you once ate a pound of drywall.

Rudy, tell me you're having a real steak.

Actually, Barb and I are vegetarians now.

Is there anything without meat in it?

Yeah, your underwear.

Lovely Ruth, this is Mr. Dunbar.

Mr. Dunbar, my friend Ruth.

Friend? You mean sister.

I can't believe I'm wasting my rap on oldie Hawn.

We're going to play some gin. Ruth...

All right.

Would you like to deal? Oh, well, sure.

(SIGHS)

Yeesh.

Later that same night...

Can you please just try to find one positive thing

about being here? I doubt it.

Whoa. Here we go.

Hey, I'm Russell. Hi. I'm Caroline.

This is my friend Esther. Oh, friend?

You must mean sister.

I'm just throwing her a bone. She's, like, a million.

Are you one of the volunteers?

Sounds like you missed the orientation.

Ah, maybe we should hit happy hour.

You can catch me up over a couple of cocktails.

I'm working. Not as hard as I am.

Come on. Meet me halfway on this.

Excuse me. I'm helping someone.

Listen, just push her in front of the fish tank

and tell her she's at SeaWorld.

Really? Yeah, so he woke up just covered in puke.

What are you talking about, Jimmer?

Tomorrow morning?

No, my son Ryan, he's got a bit of a stomach virus.

Now we all agree, no talk about work or family.

We didn't agree. You just said that.

I stand by it. Now I got us some shots to tide us over

until the waitress brings the shots that I ordered.

Actually, I'm just gonna get a cup of coffee. Me too.

I wonder if they have herbal tea.

Am I crazy, or did you guys all just come out?

Good one, Bingo, but I gotta get up early and drive.

It's Izzy's ballet recital. Here, check it out.

Here she is in her tutu. Oh, she's adorable.

That's so cute. Let me see that.

Power off.

Okay, we've got to focus.

We've gotta get over to Thirsty Charlie's

if we're gonna get a table.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm gonna pass.

Yeah, me too. I'm exhausted.

Unbelievable!

All right, Dave, all these gals are gonna go home

and braid each other's hair,

so I guess it's just you and me.

I don't know, Bingham.

You know, with the heart medicine,

my doctor says I should take it easy.

I've known you for 25 years.

Who are you gonna listen to, him or me?

I guess I could go for one. That a boy!

All right, well, me and the madman

are gonna go add another chapter to the legend.

(LAUGHS) All right, Bingo. (CELL PHONE RINGS)

Hey, honey.

Will do. Sorry, Jeff, gotta go.

No!

Oh, do you not want these anymore?

No, I do.

Bird eats peanut in coolest way ever.

Okay, Mambo, ready? No. Not yet.

Let's get famous. Ready? Come here.

Come on.

Come on, dude, get your head in the game!

(SIGHS)

Oh.

Oh. Oh, great.

Yeah, great. Bird eats peanut in...

(CRACKING)

Most stupid, boring way ever.

Zero hits.

Sir, what on earth are you doing?

I'm throwing up bricks here like Shaquille.

I'm gonna be sore tomorrow, I can feel it.

I challenged you to help, but clearly you're incapable.

I don't get any credit for feeding this one?

Look, I could help if I wanted to.

Okay. Prove it.

That's Stella.

She likes to go for a walk around the building every day.

You could join her.

Piece of cake.

Stella, come on, let's do this.

(SIGHS)

Whoa. Stella! Come on, where's the fire?

Can I get a hit of that?

Aah! One more.

Thanks.

Hey. Oh, hey.

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you still be out with your friends,

throwing up on each other?

I wish.

Aw. What happened?

The guys are all lame now.

I mean, it's tragic.

They used to be real pervs and binge drinkers.

Tonight all I did was talk about their kids and cholesterol.

How was ladies' night?

Well, pretty much the same.

I was really looking forward to it,

but all they talked about was strollers and preschools and Rogaine.

Rogaine? Which husband?

No, it's Danielle.

Things are not getting better there.

That's gonna be us, isn't it?

No.

We're better than that.

I thought my buddies were too, but Rudy ordered a salad

with dressing on the side, so...

I punched him in the balls.

And he actually got mad.

Didn't he just have hernia surgery?

No, that's next week.

Whatever.

I guess it's all over for us.

No, it doesn't have to be.

Well, how do you figure? We're gonna be parents soon.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean we have to be lame.

We can have our own fun.

Well, I appreciate that, Aud.

But I'm kind of bloated, maybe if you're on top.

No...

No! I mean, let's go out.

Really?

Yeah! You wanted to hit Thirsty Charlie's.

Let's do it. Come on. All right, let's do it.

Hey, I wonder if my jock strap's

still up there on those moose antlers.

Mmm. If it's not, I'm gonna buy a beer

for whoever had to take it down.

Ah, Mr. Dunbar. I just saw Stella.

She said she had a wonderful walk with you.

I hope it finally felt good... Yes, Timmy.

Helping people certainly does feel good.

As I've often said, my heart is my second biggest organ.

Reprehensible.

Oh, hey, Caroline.

You couldn't help but overhear

Timmy praising my selflessness...

(CHUCKLES)

Which incidentally spills over into the bedroom.

Yeah.

Some of the residents have complained about

the smell of your cologne.

What? The smell of my cologne?

Are you kidding me?

Stella's breath is like a punch in the face!

You're in a place where you could actually do some good.

But you can't... Right, right, right.

Because you're incapable of thinking beyond your perverse sexual appetite.

Up high. Not up high.

Sir, there's someone you need to meet.

That's Herman.

Never married.

Never bothered with meaningful connections with others.

Yeah.

Now he spends all his days alone,

just sitting in that corner.

Yuck.

Yuck indeed, sir.

And that is your future

unless you make some serious changes in your life.

Okay.

Hey, Herm, I'm Russell.

Timmy says you're pretty much alone, huh?

Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much.

Pretty much.

In fact, I happen to be the only man living in this place...

That he is.

Which gives me the pick of all the ladies.

(CHUCKLES)

Exactly... What now?

Well, I had her, and last week, I nailed her.

(CHUCKLES)

Seriously? Sweet Ruth?

Oh, she may be sweet, but she's filthy. Whoa!

As a matter of fact, I don't even need this wheelchair.

Only reason I'm here is because I'm exhausted.

Herminator!

You're crushing it, dude, I love it.

Herman, it's sponge bath time.

Sponge bath? Oh, good.

Why don't we give me one first? (LAUGHS)

Oh!

(WHISTLES)

That guy's the coolest guy I ever met.

Thanks for the lesson, Timmy.

Hey, Ruth, didn't know you were such an animal.

Deal me in.

This is it. He's gonna do it.

(BIRD CHIRPS) (SCREAMS)

Ow! Aah! Get it off me!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Yeah! Yeah! Help me! Okay.

Oh, God. Oh! Oh!

(GRUNTING)

It's okay.

ALL: (CHANTING) Audrey! Audrey! Audrey!

Audrey! Audrey! Audrey!

Whoo!

(CHEERING)

Well, that was impressive. (LAUGHS)

How do you know all those Jay-Z songs?

Huh? Am I more fun than your boring friends or what?

You are. And you made tonight great,

and I believe you.

Having a kid is not gonna make us boring.

Aw!

(BURPS)

Fair enough. Mmm.

Never been on this end of it before.

Uh, what do you say we head back to our room?

What, back to the hotel?

What, do you need to change your panties?

What? Come on.

Sack up, bingo!

Ow! Oh!

(LAUGHS)

We are not done here, mmm-mmm.

Audrey, this is good, but...

Come on now, what would you be doing right now

if you were with your guys, huh?

Probably talking about my wife's drinking problem.

(LAUGHS) This guy.

Come on, Bingham! What's next?

Well, we sort of had this tradition of taking our shirts off

and jumping in the fountain,

but we really don't have to...

Last one in the fountain is a loser!

(CHEERING)

She's gonna make a terrific mom.

(SCREAMING) (BIRD CHIRPING)

No! Stop it! Don't film it!

Hey! Stop it!

Well, congrats, you're the star of "Bird Moron."

60,000 hits. So worth the pain.

Speaking of pain, how's the hangover?

(GROANS)

I gotta go home and take a nap.

Aw.

Those other two naps must have made her tired.

(LAUGHS)

So what did you guys do exactly?

Oh, Aud wanted to prove that we weren't going to be boring

just because we're having a kid,

which she did by getting wasted

and dancing topless in a fountain.

Oh, topless, huh? Jen, may I?

(TYPING ON KEYBOARD) Topless. Syracuse. Fountain.

Good luck, but you're never gonna...

Got it.

(AUDREY LAUGHS) Whoa!

AUDREY: What are you waiting for? 100,000 hits?

No thanks, I'm good. This is a joke.

This isn't half as good as "The Bird Moron."

I think she looks really great.

Watch.

MAN: Ma'am, get out of the fountain.

And here come the campus police.

(LAUGHTER)