Original subtitles

Hey, Timmy.

I scored us some dates tonight.

It's too bad you're wearing that,

but I guess you're used to not getting laid.

And why, exactly, do you need me?

Because Amy, this chick I'm dating,

has a friend in town who refuses to leave us alone.

You know what that means.

Operation rodeo clown. Yeah.

And your mission?

To distract Amy's friend,

thereby freeing you to lasso your date

for your own personal hoedown.

Good man. You know, over the years,

you've become quite an accomplished little clown.

I should get you a red nose.

Not so fast.

What's the matter with this girl I'm meant to distract?

Nothing.

Pretty, normal height and weight,

all her teeth.

Believe me, you've clowned worse.

Even if all that is true,

the intellect of the girls you keep company with

often precludes the chance of any interesting dialogue.

They're stupid.

No, they're not.

Sir, the last time I clowned for you,

the first question my date asked was,

"Who is your favorite Kardashian?"

Well, that's a dumb question. Exactly.

Because the answer is Kimmy, unless you're a moron.

Sir, I really would...

Though I was into Kourtney for this long.

But you know what? Who was I kidding?

That Kimmy K. turns around, and good-D!

I mean, it's big, but I like it.

♪ How many ways to say I love you?

♪ How many ways to say that I'm not scared?

♪ With you by my side There is no denying

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

COMMENTATOR: Whoa, the home side has something going now,

and the crowd is loving it.

It's the bottom of the eighth inning...

Why is the TV from the bedroom out here?

Well, you've heard of picture in picture.

I invented picture on picture.

Why?

Well, there's two games on.

This way, I can hold my fork

instead of the remote.

What are you eating?

Chocolate chip pancakes with sprinkles.

Please tell me the diner accidentally gave you

some child's order.

Yeah.

Come on, it's a beautiful day outside.

I'm going to go for a walk in the park,

get a little cardio. Come with me.

It's the game. I'm good.

Nothing I am looking at here conveys that.

Come on, you're going to be a father.

You have to start taking your health seriously now.

All right, we'll take a walk when there's a commercial.

It is a commercial.

On both.

Fine.

At least return Adam and Jen's salad spinner, okay?

I told them you'd bring it by today.

You lied.

Hello?

Anyone here?

Just returning your thing.

(SIGHS)

Idiots.

Well, I don't want to be here,

but at least I got to pay my own cover.

Hmm.

I see the normal bevy of vapid 20-somethings.

Nary a peg leg among them.

I guess that's a win for me.

I had you clown one peg leg for me two years ago,

I never hear the end of it.

Hey, Russell. Hey, there's Amy.

Amy, this is Timmy.

Oh, Timmy, I'm happy to meet you.

And I you. What?

Was that enough words?

Yes.

Sorry, I've got to run to the ladies' room.

My mother should be here any minute.

Okay. Ah.

Her mother? Well, isn't that lovely.

I guess I shan't be speaking of the Kardashians tonight

but rather of female bone density loss.

If you play it right, you'll contribute to my bone density gain.

Yoo-hoo.

Oh, hi, Russell.

It's nice to see you again.

And I you.

Joan, this is Timmy. Timmy, Joan.

Hi, Timmy, nice to meet you. Good evening.

I am so sorry I'm late.

Amy and I spent all day at the Whitney.

Oh, I thought the Jay Defeo retrospective there

was wonderful. Me too.

It's so nice to meet a fellow fan of the arts.

You know, the Whitney may well be

my favorite museum in the city.

Oh, I had the very same feeling today.

Oh, hey, Mom. Hi, sweetie.

The old broad is lapping up this museum crap.

Segue into Charlie Rose,

and you'll keep her ocupado all night. Whoo!

But I don't want to tell you how to clown.

(HONKS)

All right, less than 26 hours

till we watch the meteor shower up on the roof.

Huh? You pumped?

You stoked? You jazzed?

Sure. Yeah.

I figure we will watch nature's majestic light show

and then maybe we bang.

Now we're talking.

So check it out, check it out.

I got us something that is going

to make this whole night even better.

Cupcakes.

Uh, wait a minute, there were...there were two.

What happened to the other one?

Oh, here's a clue.

I think Jeff came by and returned this.

Oh, so you're saying that Jeff saw the cupcake thieves.

Jeff is the thief!

Oh, no, I'm... I'm with you now.

Uh-oh, this is... This is not good.

What's the big deal? It's just a cupcake.

No, it's a pot cupcake.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

Did you eat two cans of cold chili?

I don't know.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) (LAUGHING) Come in.

What?

Hey. Hey.

Hey, two TVs, nice.

Why aren't they on?

I don't know.

Are you feeling all right, Jeff?

I don't know.

Audrey, Jeff ate one of our cupcakes.

Ugh, he is an animal.

I don't even know what to do with him anymore.

It wasn't even that good.

Tasted kind of funny.

That's because they're made with pot.

Are you telling me I'm goofed up on grass right now?

Yeah.

Audrey, those dirty hippies dosed me.

I adore Edward Hopper.

His paintings represent, I don't know, truth to me.

Yes. (GIGGLES)

Such simple themes, such raw emotion.

Mmm. Yes, totes raw.

My ex-husband wouldn't know a Hopper

if it smacked him in the face. (LAUGHS)

Boy, would I like to smack him in the face.

Come on, Mom. Don't be like that.

No, too many lies for too long, just...

Please, you're here to take your mind off Dad.

Yeah, yeah, we're all here to take our mind off everything.

Amy, you want to grab some more drinks for us all?

She's bumming me out. Kick it into hyper clown.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, Joan, I take it your divorce was rather recent?

Yes, it's just, um, six weeks now.

But the marriage hasn't been good for years.

Hmm.

Well, what's important here is figuring out

how to move on and get on with your life.

I could think of a way to, uh...get on with things.

Oh, great.

Hmm. I hope it includes counseling.

(LAUGHS)

It can be very therapeutic to shed a few tears.

I think that it would be more therapeutic

to shed some clothing.

I don't think I'm understanding.

I know things, Timmy.

Sexual things.

Things that would blow your mind.

Take me back to my hotel.

Yes, ma'am.

Is the water helping?

No, not really. My teeth still feel enormous.

I can't believe this is the first time

you've ever been high. It's okay.

It's okay, though. I got you.

You are not going to take this journey alone.

Are you holding my hand?

You know that I am, brother.

Get out.

It's okay. It's okay, buddy.

Look, I have guided more than my fair share of first-timers.

Is he trying to have sex with me?

Where's his other hand?

Okay, come on, Adam. Let's go.

Okay, all right. Look...

But if you need me,

I've got bean burritos, glow sticks,

and a bubble machine.

I don't feel right, Aud. Just give it some time.

No, something's wrong. Something's definitely wrong.

Okay, honey.

This is the first time you've been high.

How you're feeling is actually normal.

No, that's not it. No, look, I...

It's not just the wacky tobacky.

I... Oh, my God, I think I'm having a heart attack.

Well, that would be indigestion from all that chili.

No, I'm definitely having a heart attack.

Call 911.

Honey, I'm right about this.

The pot is making you paranoid.

No, you're wrong. Call.

Fine.

Pfft!

If I don't make it, there's a bank account you don't know about.

Again, I am so sorry to have wasted your time.

Just so... So I'm clear, what was the problem again?

Indigestion.

Indigestion.

Right, right.

And it's likely our patient will make a full recovery?

From a tummy ache? Yeah.

You feel better? I know I do.

(LAUGHS)

Fine, you were right.

And I guess I feel a little better.

I think I'm losing my high-ness,

your highness.

(LAUGHS)

No, still high.

Hey. Good morning, Timmy.

You know, last night started out a little rough,

but you turned in some solid clown work.

Happy to help, sir.

Very happy.

Yeah, I made some progress with Amy.

Got a little second base over the shirt action.

Congratulations, sir.

Definitely something a man of your age should be boasting about.

By the way, cancel your non-plans tonight,

'cause we're all going out again.

(SCATTING)

Yes, Joan mentioned that.

You know, Amy and I just made those plans this morning.

Why were you talking to Joan?

Oh, no special reason.

Hold on a second.

Hmm?

Are you happy?

Me? No, miserable as ever.

Why are you smiling?

I'm not smiling.

Did you sleep with her mother?

Sleep? No.

I mean, who could sleep with

all that crazy sexual activity?

Whoa!

For real?

Oh, yes.

She was quite the spirited partner.

The yoga she does thrice weekly keeps everything,

you know, where one wants it.

But kudos to you for brushing your hand against a be-sweatered boob.

Wait, so you scored, and I didn't?

That's not the way it's supposed to work.

This is bananas.

And you know, sir, maybe tonight

you could be a lamb and keep Amy out of the way?

I really don't want her blocking the old Timmy shimmy.

Hold on, you're not saying that...

Yes, sir.

It appears I'll be needing your clown services.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hey, Jeff. Sweat out all the pot yet?

Aud, I think I'm having another heart attack.

"Another"? You didn't have a first one.

You were right that time.

But this time, I'm not hopped up on the Mary Jane.

Honey, just go to the drug store

and get some more antacids.

I really don't think that's it.

Well, then, take a cab and go to the hospital.

All right, I will.

Wait, Jeff's going to pay for a cab?

MAN ON TV: I'd like to propose an amendment

to House bill HR-1698,

a supplement to the Highway Bridge Capital Budget Act.

Either those cupcakes have kicked in,

or these are the best Vienna sausages on the planet.

So should we, uh, head up to the roof

for the meteor banging?

No. No, no, not...not yet.

What are you watching?

It's right up there in the corner.

It's called Ka-span.

What's it about?

See the guy right there in the tie, who's talking?

Mmm-hmm. I think that's Ka-span.

He wants to build this... this bridge, right?

But then there's the other guy right there

who doesn't want him to build a bridge.

Whoa.

And who's that lady?

I think it's a witch.

Hey.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Gosh, I don't know why Amy isn't here yet.

I know, she's usually so punctual.

You know what, let me go buy us a round of drinks.

Ho, whoa!

Oh, no.

All my museum brochures.

Wow, there's one from every museum in the city. Yeah.

Russell, I didn't know you were into the arts.

Ah.

You are the absolute lowest.

Oh, look at this.

I even filled out this donation form.

$5,000 to the frick.

Wow. How very generous of you, sir.

In fact, let me call in your credit card information.

No, that's not necessary. Oh, but it is.

You don't need to. You don't need...

Timmy, Timmy. Give it back.

He's so childish. It's like...

He's weird.

Will you go with me to the bar to get some drinks?

I'd be delighted.

Okay.

You can't really be doing this.

Oh, I really can. Oh, there's Amy.

Tag, you're the clown.

MAN ON TV: The yeas have 267 votes, the nays 54.

On this vote, the yeas have it.

Yeah!

Oh, they get to build the bridge!

Yes! Suck on that, witch!

Whoo!

Oh, my God, Jeff. You paid for a cab. Are you all right?

First, what did you think was wrong with me?

Indigestion.

Tell her, Doc.

Well, Jeff had a very minor cardiac episode.

Layman's terms, Doc.

A very small heart attack.

Oh, my God. Jeff, this is serious.

Serious as indigestion?

No, serious as a heart attack.

I win.

Kind of an odd reaction.

This isn't a joke. Okay?

I've been trying to get you to eat better and exercise,

and this is exactly why.

Diet and exercise is what I'll be prescribing.

Just shut it, Doc.

All right, look.

I know we have our fun

with our little who's right and who's wrong games, okay?

But this is not one of them.

You're just saying that because I was right.

No, I'm not.

I've been trying to get you to take better care of yourself,

but you don't listen.

You are lying in a hospital bed,

and you're actually happy about it.

Well, I'm happy about the victory.

I'm going to go talk to the doctor.

(SIGHS)

Dragging down a perfectly good heart attack.

This is the first time

that I have been out and about in months.

I guess I've just...

I've been consumed with my divorce.

Yeah, it's nice to see you having a good time.

You should keep doing that.

Aggressively.

Yes.

But I don't always have a good time.

The truth is, I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams.

You know I was with your friend last night.

What?

Really?

I think I was trying to get back at my ex.

Oh, revenge.

It's so great.

Any way I can help with that?

I don't know what I'm doing.

I, I've lost my dignity.

Well, seeing as it's gone anyway...

Oh, no, you're crying. Oh...

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Yet.

You know, you're right.

I shouldn't feel bad.

I was a good wife, and I am still a vibrant woman.

And then what could we do to prove that?

Russell, I have been a fool.

I guess I didn't realize it

until I talked to someone my own age.

Your own what now? Oh...

I don't have to use my toned body

and my wild sexual techniques to feel validated.

Thank you.

Yeah, you're, uh... You're welcome.

Oh. What's going on here?

Uh, I got 'em out of storage.

Put a seat for the kid on the back of mine.

Oh, what made you do this?

Well, I wish there was a way for me to say this

without saying that you were right.

But...you know.

Look, uh, I packed a picnic basket.

It's all healthy stuff

from the list the doctor gave me.

Well, thank you.

I just want you to stick around as long as possible.

Are you sure?

I don't like having to nag you about stuff.

Oh, that's too bad,

because you have a real way with it.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) Hey.

Do you still have the picture on picture setup?

Yeah, why?

We want to watch Ka-span and Ka-span two.

BOTH: At the same time.

Oh, my God.

Idiots.