Original subtitles

What... What is his nam? It's driving me crazy.

You know, I wanna say Wayne or, like, Phil or somet.

Just forget about it.

Oh! Boo-Boo!

That was Yogi Bear's little buddy!

Oh!

Hey. Hey, how was the doctor appointment?

It was good.

Yeah, all systems go.

Hey, did you guys find out the sex?

Of Brenda?

We think girl.

No, the doctor knows, but Audrey wouldn't let him tell us.

I want it to be a surprise.

The whole thing's gonna be a surprise.

Like we have any idea how to take care of a child.

We don't even know what happened to our ca.

Oh, I just had an idea. I will throw you a baby shower.

Oh, that's so sweet. You don't have to do that.

You know, Jen, you really don't have t.

Hey, Jeff, she obviously wants to.

Don't be rude.

Come on, it'll be fun. Everybody loves a baby shower.

Yeah, so fun.

Uh, honey...

Throwing parties isn't really your thing.

That's not true.

Remember the spa-themed shower you threw for Megan?

It was a minor fungal outbreak.

Oh... Ah!

Did you just unbutton your pants?

I did.

Is it really necessary?

Well, I wanna prevent my button from popping off

and boring through Brenda's skull.

♪ How many ways to say I love you?

♪ How many ways to say that I'm not sc?

♪ With you by my side There is no denying

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

(GROANS)

Sir...

Have you had a chance to take a look

at my proposal for the new children's hospital?

(GROANING) I have not.

And that goofy voice of yours

is like an ax hacking away at my skul.

Late night?

Welcoming the women of New York to rock bottom?

(GROANS)

It's been a week since I've rocked any bottom.

It's been a rough winter for the old Russell mus.

(CLICKS PEN) Disgusting, sir.

But things are looking up.

I went online and found a new happy hour I haven't hit yet.

Which way is Delaware?

Sir, before you cross into that tiny state,

with your big-city viruses...

Might I suggest that perhaps you're trying too hard?

How do you figure?

Well, when Simon Cumberbash, the sublime batsman from our county side,

suffered a significant slump in form during our push for the title,

do you know what the selectors did?

What are you saying? Are you having a seizur?

I'm talking about an elite cricketer

who was taken out of the game

because he was playing horribly.

He was trying too hard so he needed a breather.

But after being left out of the side for a few games,

he returned and inspired the team

to the first-class championship.

Ah, that's classic Cumberbash.

So what's your point?

My point is, sir,

that I think you would greatly benefit from taking a break

and focusing on things other than women.

Hmm. Timmy, could we go one full day without you hitting on ?

Look, your efforts haven't been successful, anyway.

For one week, just one week, I'm sure there are some hobbies

you could funnel your energies into.

I don't know, maybe.

Just think, sir,

of all the girls who will turn 18 next week.

True. Hmm.

Think about all the other girls who'll be turning 30.

Hey, Aud, definitely register for this.

I like this.

Jeff, look. Check it out, ready?

(HUMS SONG)

Whoo, baby down!

Oh, I see you found one of our nursing pill.

They can be such a help in positioning the baby for a bottle or a breas.

Sorry, bottle or what?

Breast.

(STIFLES LAUGH)

Made her say it twice. (LAUGHS)

What are you, five months along?

Oh, uh, five and a half, actually.

Oh, such an exciting ti.

Yeah, only to be topped with the excitement

of it actually coming out of me.

Is this the first one for you and your husban?

My husband? Ew, gross, no...

Hi, I'm Audrey, I'm the mommy.

That little person in there is mine, actua.

And that guy is my husband.

She said proudly.

Jeez.

Oh, shoot, I gotta get back to the office.

Okay, look, give me your list

and we will finish registering for everything for you.

Eh, all right, okay.

I mean, you certainly look more the part than I do.

Look, it's not a big de. We got this, right, Jef?

We've got it, you're in good hands.

Okay, thanks.

Let's get out of here.

No.

Here, you find the stuf, I am gonna try on some maternity jeans.

Maternity jeans? Sounds like a scam.

No, it's not a scam. See, they stretch.

To accommodate my growing belly.

Excuse me.

Got these in a size 40?

(WHISTLES)

Sir? (LAUGHS)

What are you doing in so early?

Well, I'm energized.

I took your advice, I decided to give up the ladies for a bit.

Oh, well, that's bad nes for anyone selling pepper spray.

(CHUCKLES)

So, how was your first evening sans skanks?

(LAUGHS) Well, you know how it i.

We move on boats against the current

borne back ceaselessly into the past.

Sir, are you quoting from The Great Gatsby?

(SURPRISED LAUGH) I guess I am.

Last night I got my F. Scott on.

Well, would you look at that?

One evening not focused on women

and you read a classic American nove.

You're already a bettern than you were yesterday.

Huh, and I feel better, too.

Hmm. Oh, almost forgot.

Hey, I whipped this up last night after readin.

Care for one?

Baklava?

The Mount Everest of pastry-making?

(EATS BAKLAVA) Huh?

Heavenly, sir.

What on earth possessed you to make this?

What, I'm gonna make moussaka and not have any baklava?

What am I, an animal?

Oh, you sure do like those new jeans.

You've worn 'em like every day this wee.

They're very special to me.

You finish all that bac, you won't be able to fit into them anymor.

I'm not worried about that.

Oh, hello, you didn't tell me new baby presents arriv.

Yeah, why can't all that stuff go straight to Brenda?

Because Brenda's not the mother.

I am... You know that, right?

The baby's gonna grow up here.

I do, that's why I'm gonna start labeling my food.

Okay, I'm off to the san to get pretty for my pa.

You really gotta get all dolled up

for a party Jen's throwing?

Why don't you just wear shoes that you can play beer pong in?

Look, I know she's had some really crappy parties before,

but I think she's excited about this.

I think she's really gonna step up.

All right, I'm headed to the movies.

Have a great baby showe.

Oh, crap, that's today?

Look, it's on the invitation you sent out.

The party's today.

Oh, my God, I put the wrong date on these.

Everything's set up for next week.

Man, you are in a pickl. Later, gator.

No, you can't leave! You have to help me.

I have no food, no favo, no decorations.

Oh, come on, honey, I was on my way to the movies,

now I have to help you plan a baby shower?

God, how much more of a dump can a Saturday take?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, my God! Somebody's already here.

45 minutes early? Get them out of here!

(SIGHS)

Howdy, neighbor.

Say, I'm dirty, I sure could use a show.

Hey... Liz.

Yeah, look, well, we're not quite ready yet, so...

Oh, I'll say.

Well, I brought something for the baby

and I brought my baby. (CHUCKLES)

Uh, what am I looking at?

It's Cornelius, silly.

No one recognizes him with his haircut.

Okay, uh, well, like I said,

um, we have a bit more to do.

So, maybe come back in like 45?

Uh, that's perfect because Corny needs a diaper change.

And it gives me time to wrap this carrier back p for Audrey.

Oh, hey, hey, Jeff, Jeff,

you guys mind if I borrow a couple of things from you guys?

Yeah, sure. What do you need?

Uh, napkins, plates, chairs, food.

Oh, right, Jen's hosting that party.

Go nuts.

Oh, and do you guys have a pinata shaped like a baby?

I don't know, check the pinata cabine.

And, uh, help yourself.

Thank you.

(RUSSELL PLAYING VIOLIN)

Oh, hey, Tim, I didn't see you there.

That was absolutely otherworldly, sir.

Oh, yeah... I'm little rusty.

On the contrary, you sounded wonderful.

Oh, no,

I'm sorry, I meant, I'm Little Rusty.

That was my stage name when I was a child prod.

Here I thought your only musical talent

was mastery of the chest bongos.

(CHUCKLES) Well...

Those days are in the past, Tim.

These days I've been keeping my plate full with other fun projects.

This is a play I've wrin and I'm hoping to put u.

You know, off Broadway, of course.

My goodness.

Yeah, it's no Eugene O'Neil, but I'll give Tom Stoppd a run for his money, hu?

Oh, and I looked at this big chunk of mahogany,

and I saw this guy trying to get out.

Is it for the Binghams' baby-to-be, sir?

Uh, yeah sure.

Mr. Dunbar,

it truly is amazing what you can accomplish witht the distraction of wome.

Might you consider, sir, focusing your now-clear mind on my...

Oh, the children's hosp. Hospital, yes.

Five steps ahead of you. I finished the proposal.

I've been tooling around with the design.

Spectacular. I tell you what.

Come by the office later today, I'll show you what I go.

Oh, thank you so much, sir...

Oh, my God, you painted a fresco on your ceilin.

(LAUGHS)

You try writing a play about Michelangelo and not getting inspire.

(SIGHS)

(SANDWICH THUDS)

Oh, right.

Well he better not have taken any of my scotch.

Good.

Come on, the glasses?

Hey.

Thank God, we are all out of food.

Where'd you go? Uh, the Korean deli.

It was the closest place I could find.

What are these?

Those are Korean squid cookies.

They are to die for.

Thank you so much for hosting Audrey's shower.

Oh, you're so welcome, Trac, I'm so glad you could make .

Oh, I wouldn't miss it.

It is so important to celebrate babies coming into this world.

No matter if the Lord intended

the cockamamie way Audrey's doing it or no.

Jen? Jen?

I need to use your bathroom, but you're out of toilet paper.

Oh...

Sorry.

Audrey! Jen.

Thank you so much for doing this.

My pleasure, you just deserve this.

Oh, there she is.

You're glowing. (CHUCKLES)

I...

Ching Bao?

Made with real squid in.

Good afternoon, sir.

Hey, there he is.

Timmy.

Excited to show you the model for your new children's hospital.

May I just say again, s,

what you've been able to accomplish in the past week

is truly astounding.

Well, since we started this experiment,

I've gone days without even thinking about women.

Anyway, here's your hospital.

Hmm?

Oh, my God.

It's amazing, right?

Yes, um...

Dare I ask, sir, what are those?

Oh, these are observation mounds.

Originally, they were smaller,

but then I made them bigger, and I'm much happier.

Check out the welcoming entrance.

Is that what that is?

At first I had a lot of landscaping down the.

I made it really full and lush.

But then I said, "No good."

I decided to trim it do, you know?

Give it a nice, sleek, modern look.

You sure did. Yeah.

But I keep thinking all day long

about putting a monorail system in he.

That goes in and out of the entrance all day lo.

In and out, in and out.

(AGGRESSIVELY) You know the building wants it.

I see.

So we're no longer talking about the children's hospital?

What children's hospita?

So, Brenda, what does your boyfriend think

about this whole surrogacy thing?

Oh, I'm a lesbian.

Oh. Really.

That's, um...

Hey, is that Ching Bao?

Audrey still seems a little off to me.

Yeah, maybe I'm throwing her off by not being at the movies.

Come on, I told you to come up with a baby shower game

to make her feel better.

Okay, fine.

Hey, uh, everybody

I have a classic baby shower game that I wanna play.

Okay, so everyone just grab a seat.

Brenda, you're good right there. Okay.

Okay, this game is calld

Guess The Weight.

Oh, I love this one.

Me too, I'll start.

Okay, I'm gonna say...

170.

What?

Hey-O!

This is supposed to help make Audrey feel better.

Oh, okay, no, you're right, you're ri.

Okay, let's start with Audrey.

170.

(LAUGHING) Oh, no.

Hey, how about we open presents?

That's a great idea.

Okay, thanks, you guys.

Um, before I open them I just... (SIGHS)

When I look around this room,

I just realize how lucky I am to have..

Oh, God. What?

Oh, the baby just kicked.

ALL: Oh! I wanna feel!

Gimme some of that!

Here, Audrey hold Corny. Oh, jeez.

You feel it?

Jeff, are you home?

What the... Oh, forget it.

I don't even wanna know.

What's that?

The gift bag.

Loose Special K and some Baker's Chocolate.

Not one of Jen's best.

Well, it was great for Brenda.

I'm just a 170-pound

non-pregnant woman with cat pee on my dres.

170?

Really?

No.

(SIGHS) I guess I... I thought this party would make me feel

more a part of the whole process, you know?

But it didn't.

Aud, come on.

No, I'm... I'm just a bystander in this whole thing.

You're not a bystander.

Yeah, well, thanks for trying to make me feel better,

but it is what it is.

I'm just gonna go lie d.

Aud? Yeah?

It's a girl.

What?

I couldn't wait, so I called the doctor.

It's a girl?

I kinda felt like you needed to know so...

(CRYING) I did.

Oh, my God! What a crazy day.

(SIGHS) I'll drink to t.

(COUGHS)

Ooh.

Ah, in at 11:30 reeking of Amaretto and shame.

(LAUGHS)

And all is right in Dunbar Land.

Yeah, well, got back on the horse last night.

Which is an apt descripn of the young lady I bed.

Not an attractive girl.

Sir, having witnessed firsthand

the many talents you possess... Mmm?

I'm left wondering, what the hell happened to you?

It's a funny story, Tim.

I was 10 years old. The year was 1994.

No, it wasn't.

The year was 1994.

(VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING)

I was practicing for my debut at Carnegie Hl

when my parents got me a new teacher.

And it's been a wonderful life ever since.

Ah.