Original subtitles

The key to a proper cup of tea

is warming the kettle with a splash of boiling water.

"Cold kettles make tasteless tea,"

Grandmother always said.

My word, I'm even boring myself.

No, it's sweet.

Listen, with all that's going on in my life,

it's nice to have someoe looking out for me.

Yes, Katie. I heard about your recent break.

So sorry.

Well, it's my fault for dating a musician.

I don't know why, but I always fall for a guy with a guitar.

Mmm. Maybe instead of a guitarist,

you should think about someone

who sings in an a cappella group.

Yeah, yeah. 'Cause a cappella groups are so hot.

Yes. I certainly meant t as an outrageous statement.

Here we are.

Thank you, Timmy.

You're a good friend.

Mmm. A friend.

What a wonderful foundation on which to build...

And she's gone.

Look like you're about to cry, chief.

Are those palefaces littering again?

Well done, sir. If I had known you

eight years ago, we could have attended

that reference's 30th birthday together.

Cranky. Who pee-peed in your tepee?

If you must know, I'm upset about Katie.

Oh, that sweet little tg in Accounting?

You bash that out yet?

Huh? You give her the old Bollywood?

No, and since she's leag the company on Friday,

there shall be no bashing, I'm afraid.

Or any giving of the aforementioned wood.

Look, I'll help you with this chick,

but you gotta do what I say.

It can't be like those other times

when you refused my wise advice.

Yes. I missed a golden opportunity

by not claiming to be the inventor of 7-Eleven.

Say what you will, I'm a closer.

Well, I will grant you

a more-than-passing resemblance to Kyra Sedgwick.

Mmm. Emmy winner? One degree of Kevin Bacon? I'll take it.

You can save your advice, sir.

I'm not her type. She likes musicians.

Mmm. Did you tell her you're an accomplished skin flautist?

I did not mention that.

All right. I think it's time for a grand gesture.

Something big.

I want you to get up at her farewell party,

and serenade her on the guitar.

I don't play guitar.

I'll teach you.

You don't play guitar.

I know one song,

which is enough to get a chick who digs musicians.

Sir, and what happens when they get to know y,

and realize it's all been a scam?

"Oh, no, the chick I just banged found out I lied!

"I lose!"

Come on, Tim, let me help you here.

Well, I'll never be able to live with myself

if I don't at least try.

So, fine. I accept your help.

Good. If I get a guy some ass, he gets it for a day.

But if I teach him to get it for himself,

he's tapping forever.

(SIGHS)

Hi. Why are you so happy?

You know how you're always telling me

to stop messing with Tiy for my own amusement?

Yeah. I went a different way.

♪ How many ways to say I love you?

♪ How many ways to say that I'm not sc?

♪ With you by my side There is no denying

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

MAN ON TV: And in business, the stock markets...

Hey, babe, can you turn that off for a sec?

I want to talk about something.

Am I in trouble?

No, I just wanna talk.

Sounds like I'm in trouble.

So, I had lunch today with Carol from work...

Ugh.

And she was telling me about this thing

that she and her husband do every night before they go to sleep.

Every night, huh?

Well, those big gals have to try harder.

No, not that.

Before they go to sleep, Carol and her husband

say five things they lie about each other.

Mmm.

Please tell me we're not having dinner with these people.

Jeff, lately I have been feeling a little unappreciated.

How so?

Well, for my last birth, you gave me the NFL package.

And when the throat docr told you I couldn't talk for a week,

you sent him a thank you note.

You always said that that's good manners.

Yeah, when someone gives you a gift.

Well...

Jeff, I need my five things.

Fine. One, two.

It can't be physical.

All right, I also happen to love...

Or sexual.

Aud, you're killing me.

I know this kind of thig is not easy for you, so you take your time.

I'm gonna go get a glass of water.

You just sit here and relax.

And, babe, please try not to think of this as a bad thing, okay?

Okay.

(DOOR CLOSING)

This is a very bad thing.

Hey. Hey.

Well...

I finally outsmarted that pigeon I've been feuding with.

That's terrific.

Oh, my God. This is Jeff and Audreys financial statement.

Wow, I guess the mailman screwed it up. I'll run it over to the.

No, you can't. They'll think we looked at it,

and that'll make things weird. Just throw it out.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's definitely the right thing to do.

Oh, man. They're rich.

I can't believe Jeff charged me an extra 20 cents

when I wanted to put pickles on my burger.

Adam, don't look at tha. That's really personal..

Whoa, that's a lot.

And that's just mutual funds.

Yes.

And who's this Ira guy? He's crushing it.

I cannot believe they have that much money.

Is it weird that Jeff just got sexier to me?

That's not weird at all.

Maybe I'll get some pie to go.

Should I get apple or blueberry?

Get them both. You can certainly afford it.

I'll just get a fudgesicle at home.

Ugh, home.

Audrey wants me to come up

with five things I like about her.

Mmm, that's easy. She's got her two...

Can't be sexual.

I'm out.

What's with the guitar, Neil not-Young?

I'm gonna teach Timmy a song so he can embarrass himself

in front of the entire company.

You're a hell of a boss.

Firm but fair.

Who can just rattle off five things he likes about his wife?

Well, Jen's my best fri, she smiles when she sees me,

she's kind to animals...

Doesn't count. You're not married.

Once that ring's on your finger,

those things become nais on a chalkboard.

Can you get this?

Aw, look, Jeff, I only have, like, $2, .

Well, we're not gonna stay here and do dishes, Lucy.

Give them your credit card.

Sir, is this an A,

or an A-minor?

I don't know. Just put your fingers where I told you to put the.

Ah, a glimpse into your dating life.

Look, I... I just want to make sure I'm moving my wrist properly.

Well, come on. If you don't learn this song,

you're gonna be moving your wrist a-plenty.

I'm sorry, sir. I'm just not sure I'm going

to have enough time to perfect this.

That's the beauty of th, it doesn't have to be perfe.

You just gotta get your 'tude going.

'Tude?

Yeah, 'tude. Stand up.

All right.

Let's try to figure out what your vibe is, exac.

Uh... Vibe. All right.

Give me a little, uh, Elvis sneer.

You know Elvis, right?

Huh! Huh!

That's him. All right.

You know, and maybe a little Mick Jagger.

Little strut.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Aw, that's good.

That is good.

And maybe that Pete Townshend windmill.

Wow! Yeah.

Wow! Oh, my God.

That is... That's fantastic.

Really, really, um... You think Katie will like it?

Who?

Katie.

Katie! Oh, the Katie... That's the...

Why we're doing this, for Katie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's gonna love it. Now...

Let's try them, all three together. Crank it out.

Wow! Wow!

(A LA ELVIS) Thank you. Thank you very much.

Good stuff.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, hey, Aud. Hey, can I borrow some soy sauce?

I was about to make some Ramen noodles.

Uh, I'm sorry. Ramen noodles are an inexpensive meal

traditionally enjoyed by college students

and the budget-consciou.

Yeah, I know... I know what Ramen noodles are.

Oh, sure. I know what caviar is.

Doesn't mean I've ever had it.

Just get the soy sauce.

So what if Jeff doesn't come up with five things?

I mean, feelings aren't really in his wheelhouse.

I know, that's why I'm doing this.

To bring out his emotional side.

He has one?

Well, we know he has a heart. He's on Lipitor.

I took the regular.

I noticed you also had low-sodium.

Must be nice to be swimming in soy sauce.

Uh, hey, Jeff. Hey.

You two are gonna have to leave.

I've got five things I e about my wife,

and, um, after I'm done saying them,

I'm hoping to be richly rewarded.

Well, well.

The rich get richer. Let's go, Jen.

So you got your five things.

I knew you could do it, babe.

That's right. When Jeff Bingham has an assignment,

he delivers.

Number one... You make me want to be a better man.

Two... You complete me.

You do.

Three... All right.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

"As Good as It Gets, Jerry Maguire, When Harry Met Sally.."

These are all movie quos from movies I made you watc.

Well... You make me want to see better movies.

"Say hello to my little friend"?

Well, that was gonna be for when I was richly rewarded.

Mmm-hmm.

You know, I... I didn't want you

to come up with these immediately.

That's why I gave you time.

You could... Jeez, you couldn't even come up with one?

Uh, come on.

Just a boy, standing in front of a girl...

Can't believe I even know that one.

I know how much you love those short rib tacos,

so when I saw the food truck parked on Third Avenue,

I thought I'd surprise you.

You take such good care of me, sweetheart.

That's because I love you.

Have a good day. Okay.

Dan, I couldn't help noticing you liking your wife.

Yeah, she's the best.

Look, she even wrote "I love you" on the taco wrapper.

Audrey once put a note in my lunch,

but I accidentally ate it.

What's the trick?

Have you tried eating slower?

No, to make her think that you like her.

I... I do like her.

Come on, it's just us.

What I need are five sure-fire things

that I like about my wife.

You want me to tell you what you like about your wife?

That'd be terrific.

Well, I guess when I'm with Barbara,

I notice all the little things she does.

Oh. Oh, there it was in front of my eyes the whole time.

It's pretty simple.

Yeah, it's real simple.

You want me to write that down for ?

That'd be great.

This guy's all over your girlfriend.

He's going in for the kill.

Sir, have you noticed all your phrases about courtship

involve the threat of violence?

Have you noticed you never get any?

All right? Now grab your guitar.

Let's do this. It's now or never.

I'm not sure about this, sir.

I am rather nervous.

Fact. Tom Jones feels this way before every performanc.

Fact. Tom Jones gets pummeled with panties.

All right, sir. Yeah?

Okay. I've come this far.

Thank you.

You publicly expressing yourself in g is all the thanks I nee.

Go get 'em.

Dude, sit down.

You're not gonna wanna miss this.

Excuse me, may I have your attention?

Katie.

I've been trying to tell you something

for the past few months, but the words...

They've not come to me. But fortunately,

where words fail, there is song.

(TAPPING FEET)

Yes, there is.

And though there have been may love songs written,

including those by Gershwin, Cole Port,

Lennon and McCartney, I think you'll agree

that no one said it more eloquently than Mr. Big.

Katie, this is for you.

♪ Hold on little girl

♪ Show me what he's done to you

♪ Stand up, little girl

♪ A broken heart can't be that bad

♪ When it's through it's through ♪

(LAUGHING)

Isn't this awesome?

This is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen.

Yeah, I think we're sayg the same thing.

Didn't he have any friends to stop him?

Oh, God, I can't watch any more.

Don't worry about it, I'm filming it.

There she is.

Mind if I observe you?

Knock yourself out.

Those nails of yours sure grow out really fa.

I love how they do that.

Is that one of your five things?

Apparently not.

The thing I love is the way you file the.

So tender, so meticulous.

Oh, God.

Just forget it. It's fine, okay?

I never should've asked you in the first place.

Audrey, I'm sorry, but I...

All this "talking about what you like" stuff,

it's just not who I am. I wish I was more like .

You know, able to make people feel appreciated.

Guess what, Jeff, that's one.

What? What did I say?

No, no, no. Don't... Don't think, just keep going.

What? Just keep going.

I... It's too much pressure.

You're always pushing me to be better.

That's two.

It is? Yes.

Yeah... Okay, let's try one when you're not yelling at m.

I'm sorry. I'm yelling because I wanna get this right.

I... I want you to be h. When you're happy, I'm happ.

That's three.

Yeah?

Aw, come on, Aud, you gotta give me the boobs.

You know what, you can have the boobs.

That's five.

You're so generous. (LAUGHING)

That's four!

You can take one of your boobs back.

Perhaps now...

You can say hello to my little friend.

♪ When it's through, it's through ♪

I... I'm so sorry, that was the wrong chor.

Um, let me start over, shall I?

♪ Hold on little girl

♪ Show me what he's done to you

♪ Stand up, little girl

♪ Fate will twist the both of you

♪ So come on, baby, come on over

♪ Let me be the one

♪ To show you

Who am I kidding?

♪ Build up your confidence

♪ You can be on top for once

♪ Wake up who cares about

♪ Little boys that talk too much

♪ I've seen it all go down

♪ Your game of love is all rained out

♪ So come on, baby, come on over

♪ Let me be the one

♪ To hold you ♪

Thank you very much, sir.

Don't thank me, thank Mr. Big.

BOTH: ♪ I'm the one who wants

♪ To be with you

♪ Deep inside I hope

♪ You feel it too ♪

I don't know why Timmy had to go through all ts

to tell me he and Russell are gay.

BOTH: ♪ Waited on a line of..

♪ Waited on a line

BOTH: ♪ Just to be the next

♪ To be with you

♪ I'm the one who wants to..

♪ We can be together, baby

BOTH: ♪ Deep inside I hope

♪ You feel it too

♪ I feel it

BOTH: ♪ Waited on a line of..

♪ Waited on a line

BOTH: ♪ Just to be the next

♪ To be with you

♪ You

BOTH: ♪ Just to be the next to be with you

♪ With you guys ♪

Jeff, who knew you were so romantic?

I'll tell you who knew. My wife, that's who.

(GIGGLING) Look at her.

Always the counter-clockwise stir,

followed by the two taps.

Damn, I love your consistency.

All right, you can stop now.

You've gotten all the rich rewards you're gonna get.

Oh, thanks, guys. We'll get the next one.

Oh, actually, Jeff, I'm pretty sure it's our turn.

It all evens out in the end.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, it doesn't. It doesn't.

Adam, let it go.

Since when do we argue over a couple of bucks for breakfast?

We opened up your mail, and found out you guys have, like, a billion dollars,

you cheap bastard.

We'll get this one.