Original subtitles

So, Russell,

what is the latest with you and Liz?

One day, you're into it, the next you want a divorce.

It's been a real roller-coaster of who-gives-a-crap.

Listen, I think I can make this marriage work.

I mean, I can't keep chasing teenagers forever.

In five or 10 years, it might start to look pathetic.

Yes, only time will tell.

I'm gonna leave Audrey a voicemail.

How do you know she won't pick up?

Oh, I can't tell you th. It's a guy secret.

I already know how to pee in the kitchen sink.

You know what, just tell her.

I mean, she eats like a horse,

and, uh, she always wants to do it.

She's the closest thing to a guy that relationship's got.

All right.

There's this phone app called Shy Dial.

Shy Dial!

Which will automatically send your calls

to the other person's voicemail.

Your phone never even rings.

I get credit for calling Audrey

without having to talk to her.

You actually go out of your way

to avoid a conversation with your spouse?

Well, that's not new.

But now technology has finally caught up with .

Oh, hey, Audrey, went to voicemail again.

I know you wanted to discuss paint colors for the baby's room,

which I was really looking forward to.

(GRUNTS) Frustrating!

Shy Dial. Shy Dial!

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

Voicemail?

Never even heard it ring.

Jeff: One. Audrey: Several thousan.

But I am gaining.

♪ How many ways to say I love you?

♪ How many ways to say that I'm not sc?

♪ With you by my side There is no denying

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

Ah, Mr. And Mrs. Dunbar.

How was the shopping excursion?

Thorough. We hit every boy's department on Fifth Avenue.

We even went to a store called Saks

where you should shop because you need one.

A stinging rebuke from a man holding a purse.

Go try on that striped p we picked out, darling.

We'll give Timmy a little fashion show.

Well done, Mrs. Dunbar.

You've transformed a rotting he-goat

into a domesticated one-woman man.

Oh, you know, Tim, I've come to realize tht

I'm the one with needs no one man can fully satisf.

(IMITATING COMPUTER) You've got mail.

It seems as though I've got mail.

Face it, my spicy man of the east.

Something yummy passed between us during that ,

and it wasn't just my sucret.

Mrs. Dunbar, I think you'll find that

that was, in fact, a misunderstanding.

Then why can't I stop thinking

about your hot vindaloo in my welcoming tandoor oven?

Well, thank you for ethnically tailoring that filthy metaphor.

Ah, look who's back. (SIGHS IN RELIEF)

These pants are kind of itchy.

Well, my pants are getting all itchy

just checking you out, you're so hot.

Well, handsome men, I'm off to the spa for some deforestation.

Excuse me. Hi.

I need to return this jacket.

Okay. And, uh, why are we returning it?

Well, I decided I didn't want it.

Let's just leave it at that.

Well, I have to put down a reason.

Fine. If you must know, I was teased.

You know, made fun of?

Why? It's a classic blue bla.

Yes. Yes, but people said things like "lame jacke"

and "here comes Captain Dandy of the S.S. Fancy Boy."

And then some joke about seamen which I don't wanna tell you

because I know I'll just wreck it.

Okay. Wow.

Um, what's your name? Adam.

Hey, Adam. Chris. Hey.

And I gotta say, I don't get it.

If anything, this jacket's too conservative for you.

Do me a favor. Try this one.

You could carry off a much more fashion-forward look.

Oh, nice!

I don't know.

There's no way I could wear this in front of the guys.

And my fiance.

Why do you give them so much power?

You look awesome in thi.

Damn it, Chris, when you're right, you're right.

I called you from the paint store.

When you called me back, it went to my voicemail aga.

Finally I just had to pick a paint color myse.

So irritating.

How do you think I feel? I didn't even get to weigh in.

Are we a team, or not?

All right I gotta get to work,

but there are plenty moe baby furniture decisions you can be a part of.

Okay. I will call to discuss.

You leave your phone on, you.

Thanks for coming to support me, Chris.

Wow.

Good luck.

(SCOFFS) Who needs luck when you're dressed like a superstar?

You rock, buddy.

New jacket?

Yes, thanks to my new friend Chris.

And it's awesome.

Anyway, Chris and I are gonna go sit over there now,

and be nice to each other.

'Cause that's what real friends do.

What the hell just happened?

I kind of spaced out in the middle

but I think Adam bought a new lady safari jacke.

And he may have named it Chris.

Did you see that?

Your confidence took away their power to make fun of you.

Yes, yes. (CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hold on.

Oh, hey, Jeff.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

They took some of the power away.

What'd he say?

He wanted to know when I needed to be back

at the bird show at Busch Gardens.

You don't have to take that. Come on.

Hey, it's the maitre d' at the Rainforest Cafe.

Seriously?

Like you have a leg to stand on criticizing anyone's appearance.

I mean, call off the search. I found Waldo.

What are you laughing at, Optimus Primate?

Sears Roebuck called and wants its $90 suit back.

Apparently there's a teacher from 1970 who needs to get to wor.

That's all right.

They've already been served.

Let's go, Adam.

Where the hell is Jeff?

He promised we'd go look at cribs today.

You guys are moving?

No. Cribs. For the baby.

Oh, 'cause, you know, it also means.

Yes, yes. I get it. You're young.

All right, well, see you later.

Bye.

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

Voicemail? Again?

Oh, darn it, I missed you again.

Uh, anyway, I stopped by a bar to catch the game,

but you mentioned shopping for baby stuff,

which sounds fun, too.

What to do?

Well, baby's due in five mont. Game's on now, so

I guess that solved itself, huh?

What the hell is wrong with this thing?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, Timmy.

Mrs. Bingham, hello. Um.

I was hoping to ask your advice

regarding a matter of utmost delicacy.

Uh, well, I was gonna go check out some cribs, b.

You're thinking of movi?

Uh, for the baby.

Oh. You see, it also has another...

Yes, yes. It has two meanings.

Okay. What's going on?

Well, um, Liz, of Russell and Liz

recently began making advances toward me.

Oh, my God. Uh...

Well, obviously, Timmy, you just have to tell her to back off.

(SIGHS) Well, Mrs. Bingham, I've trie,

but she's clearly in the grips of an obsessi.

My lips, I'm afraid, once tasted,

are a highly addictive opiate.

Once you go brown, you keep comin' around.

Isn't that the UPS slog?

All right. Okay. Well,

I think it's clear, now you need to say something to Russell.

Yes, quite right.

No point in putting it off any further, I suppose.

He texted me earlier, and I Shy Dialed him bak

so I could avoid having to speak to him.

You did what?

Shy Dialed. It's this app that sends your calls to voicemail

so you don't have to talk to people.

You son of a bitch.

I was impressed with you back there, Ad.

Standing up to your narrow-minded friends.

Ah, couldn't have done it without you, dude.

Well, wait till they check out your latest l.

Amazing.

I'm not that sold.

I'm a suit. With shorts.

It's actually a culotte.

Dude, I know it's cool . That's why I'm worried about wearing the short.

Plus, you know, man, it's pretty steep.

Can you really put a price on looking your best?

In six months, you're gonna see this look all over town.

Look, I know my friends are gonna find something to make fun of, okay?

They're clever that way.

Screw those guys. Plus, I'll be there to shut 'em up.

You have not steered me wrong yet, Christo.

And I never will.

Bam!

Oh, no, Jeff, straight to voicemail a.

And I really needed to reach you.

Remember my friend Betsy from college?

Remember that thing you always hoped would happen with the three of us?

Well, she stopped by, we opened a bottle of w,

and it might actually happen if we can find you.

Get home as fast as you can.

Threesome?

(WHISPERS) Threesome.

I need my check.

Sure, just a second. No, I need it right now.

My wife is offering a threesome with her hot college fr.

Go! It's covered! Thanks, man.

Clear the way, he's got a threesome!

Threesome comin' throug!

How big is this! All right, go on!

Mr. Dunbar?

Mr. Dunbar?

Hello, Timothy.

Where's Mr. Dunbar?

He sent me a text to meet him here.

(GASPS) Ooh, that was me. I stole his phone.

You'll never guess what I've got on under this coat.

Lots of layers?

Maybe something with a drawstring

that has a stubborn knot in it?

Nothing. Nada.

Except, of course, my Spanx.

Mrs. Dunbar, what of your husband?

Oh, please. He can't keep up with m.

I've been grinding the poor guy down to a nub.

Now come on.

If you don't waste time with foreplay,

you'll be in and out like Seal Team 6.

(GASPS)

I'm so sorry. Was Osama your guy?

No, of course not.

Either way, it's not a deal-breaker.

RUSSELL: Timmy.

Timmy, you here?

Tim...

Liz.

Hello, Russell.

What's going on here? I came back to look for my phone,

and you're standing here in the dark?

I stole your phone and came to your office

on the chance that you might come looking for it.

Uh, so we could do it on your desk.

Well, that makes...

Total sense, yeah! Let's do it!

Audrey, I'm here.

Audrey? Betsy? So you started without ?

That's all right. I'm not, I'm not mad.

Audrey, Audrey.

Where is she?

Gee, I don't know, Jeff. Why don't you Shy Dial her?

I'm getting a strong feeling that, uh,

Betsy's not actually in there.

But

I owe it to myself to at least check.

(RUSSELL GRUNTING)

LIZ: What's my name? RUSSELL: Mommy!

What's my name? Mommy!

Oh, wait, mommy, my back's giving out.

Just, uh, you know, maybe you get on top?

Of course, lover. Not too bouncy, though,

I'm still burping up that turkey chili from dinne.

Okay, now I got a better idea.

I'm gonna stand up, oka?

So wait, you slide over here...

(SCREAMING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

What, Jeff?

See, it didn't go to voicemail.

I uninstalled the Shy Dial.

Well, good for you. That fixes everything.

You're still mad.

Look, it's not like I don't like talking to you,

it's just that sometimes you drag me into things

that aren't that interesting, like, uh, paint colors,

or how your day was.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, how many times have you talked my leg f

about the stupid Mets bullpen?

Or that the meat-lovers' pizza went up by a dollar?

That was a slap in the face.

They know that we're meat-lovers.

They have us over a barrel.

Yes, we've had this conversation,

and never once have I cared about it.

But I pretended to, because that's what you do in a marriage.

You pretend to care.

You know, back when we were first married

I pretended all the time.

I guess I just got lazy.

That's on me.

So, uh, tell me stuff. Go ahead.

No, you don't have to.

I insist. Tell me about your day.

And as far as you know,

I will care.

All right. I'll take it.

Well, uh, for starters,

I think today I found us a beautiful crib.

With a baby on the way, I don't think it's the right time to move.

So, given the circumstances,

Liz and I have agreed to get a divorce.

Circumstances being that she tried to nail Timmy,

but then nailed you with Timmy underneath your desk.

It was right there in front of my face.

That's too bad. You were just starting to like being married.

I tried.

But the whole thing was a joke.

I mean, come on, it was never gonna work.

Mere inches from my fac.

What's going on?

Why are you dressed like a gay four-year-ol?

Where are they holding the Willy Wonka auditio?

Mock all you want.

When Chris gets here, he's gonna shove it in your face.

Please don't phrase it that way.

Oh, wow, he should actually be here by now.

He's pretty eager to back me up.

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

Oh. Chris called. Hmm.

Hey, Adam, listen, something came up today,

and I'm kind of busy, s.

I'll probably just see you around.

Good luck with the clothes.

Thank you, Shy Dial.

Whoa, that is fierce!

Told you, dude.

Cash or charge?

Hey, listen, this thing that happened today, it's still nagging at m.

Well, you wanna talk about it some more?

I do. This threesome with Betsy...

Forget it.

That is never, never gonna happen.

Oh, interesting. I only heard two "never.

That's one less than before.

It's pretty pathetic, but if you wanna hang your hopes on that,

then knock yourself out.

He got one less "never"!

(ALL CHEERING)