Original subtitles

Hi, hello there, Ronald.

Hey, Timmy, I bought a new vest for your party.

I'm sorry, I'm going to need that explained.

It's like a shirt, only without the sleeves.

No, the other part. Um, my party?

Yeah, you know, for you finally becoming a U.S. citizen.

Anyway, thanks, I don't get invited to a lot of parties.

Hey, Tim,

how was the weekend in the tepee?

You and the squaws grill up some of that multi-colored corn?

Sir, perhaps you can enlighten me as to why weird Ronald

is under the impression we're having a party?

All right, you're going to love this.

Will I? Yeah.

You know Maya, that chick I've been chasing around?

The party planner?

Exactamundo!

I'm bringing that back. Dynamite, sir.

Anyway, I can never get any quality time

with her to work my magic

because she's so focused on her stupid job.

So, uh, I'm gonna hire her to throw a party, hm?

To celebrate me becoming a citizen.

Which, by the way, occurred over a decade ago.

Yeah, it was either that or you beating cancer,

but that made you too heroic.

Sir, why involve me at all?

Couldn't you have said you're celebrating something?

Like a birthday or six months STD-free?

Six months? Heh, heh, I wish.

I'm sorry, sir.

But I refuse to trivialize my citizenship,

which I happen to take quite seriously

on the altar of duping an unsuspecting woman.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey, Timmy.

I'm really looking forward to your citizenship party.

As am I.

Stars and stripes and what have you, so...

"I refuse to trivialize my--" Oh, shut up.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say I love you? *

* How many ways To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side There is no denying *

* I can't wait For me and you *

[***]

So, what's it like to be eating for two?

Well, at first, I got to say--

Oh, honey, I wasn't talking to you.

Seriously, slow down, you're gonna choke.

If it's my time, it's my time.

Well, it's not your time yet, okay?

Friday morning, we get our first look at the baby.

JEFF: That's right.

Brenda will put on that gown and get on the table.

A doctor will get the first glimpse

of the life growing within her.

Let me know how that goes.

You'll know because you're going.

Yeah, it's your baby, you big Mount Rushmore head.

It'd be all right if it was up in Audrey's regions.

But you're my softball buddy.

You're gonna be in that chair all, you know:

Pfft.

Do you know how we're gonna look at the baby?

I'm no doctor,

but I assume it has something to do with a camera

pointed at Brenda's, uh...

entrance.

You say you're not a doctor, but I don't believe you.

The doctor waves an ultrasound wand over Brenda's belly.

Then an image of the baby shows up on a screen.

Oh, so there's no--?

No, don't, no.

Beauty. Beast.

Oh.

It hurts to be mocked

by someone with the exact hair as the mom from The Brady Bunch.

Do you mean TV icon Florence Henderson?

America's mom? Hm, I'll take it.

[BRENDA CHUCKLES]

Who are you?

That's Brenda. You've met her roughly a dozen times, sir.

Oh, right, Brenda, the softball lesbian.

That's what it says on my business cards.

Hm, yes, and we all know what kind of,

uh, business you do.

So, what's everyone doing Friday night?

Well, Knicks/Lakers are on TV

and then I thought I'd try

to get on top of old Audrey, here.

Jeff's watching a Knicks game and then nothing.

Why, what's going on?

Well, I'm hosting a sweet throw-down

to celebrate old Timbo, here, becoming a U.S. citizen.

I thought he already was a citizen.

It's a long story.

Russell's trying to bag some woman?

I stand corrected.

[***]

Hello, everyone. How's it going, doc?

To be honest, it's been a pretty rough morning.

Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.

I was so close to breaking 80

and then I chucked a tee shot straight into the water.

Again, so sorry.

Eh, trying to move past it.

All right. Who's ready to have a look at the little guy?

We're so excited.

This is conductive gel, may be a bit chilly.

[GEL SPLUTTERS]

[JEFF AND BRENDA CHUCKLE]

Yeah, I could squeeze it slower,

but then you don't get that noise.

Okay, there's the amniotic sac. Everything looks good.

And that tiny spot? That's your baby.

[GASPS]

Oh. Isn't that the most adorable tiny spot you've ever seen?

Yes.

And I'm not just saying that.

I can print you a photo of the screen,

if you'd like to have one.

Oh, yeah, of course, we would. Uh, no, we wouldn't.

Why?

That's how they get you.

How they get you?

It's our baby, Jeff.

We didn't just come off Space Mountain.

All right, fine. But just one.

And we don't need it on a mug or a mouse pad.

Hey, look, Jeff.

Its little fist is clenched around a tiny wallet.

[LAUGHS]

Huh. What, is there a problem?

No, no, I'm seeing something behind the amniotic sac.

It could be another one.

Wait.

You mean like twins?

It's not in a good position to see, but it could be.

We'll know for sure at your next appointment.

JEFF [WHISPERS]: Twins?

Oh, my God.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I know.

It might be twins.

It might be.

[CHUCKLES]

[***]

Just so you know, attendance is mandatory.

So Jeff and, uh...

I wanna say Martina?

You gotta be there.

Oh, how can I resist an invite

from the star of the Chucky movies?

Great. Now, listen.

Maya's a real career-oriented gal.

This is the first party she gets to throw on her own.

So if she it does well,

there's gonna be an after party.

Guest list: me and Maya. Location: me pants.

Time: 11 to 11:04.

Just be there, all right?

And bring that chick that's having your baby.

Wow.

Speaking of babies,

[JEFF SIGHS] could be twins, huh?

That was a real gut punch for me.

Well, at least it doesn't affect me.

Hm. Anyway,

you kind of put on a big happy face

for Audrey. I had to,

because she was so happy. That's a husband's job,

to hide his feelings from his wife.

Push them deep down.

Really, Jeff?

I mean, how long can you keep that up? Thanks.

All right. I just need to make it to my goal age of 71.

Why 71?

I saw a 72-year-old guy naked at the gym once.

Let's just say gravity wins.

[***]

Come on in. Welcome to Timmy's America.

Hey, Ronald, glad you could make it.

Whoa, Asia-vu.

My brother, Donald. Uh, Mr. Dunbar, my boss.

Nice to meet you. Oh, hey, how you doing?

Uh.

Oh, Ronald.

[SPEAKING IN MADE-UP LANGUAGE]

Hey, hey, hey. Your brother's having some sort of seizure.

No, like many twins,

we sometimes speak a secret language

that only we understand.

[SPEAKS IN MADE-UP LANGUAGE] Yeah.

Great, a valuable addition to the scene.

Russell. Russell. Oh, hey.

Hey, hey, hey. Uh,

is there smoking allowed in here?

No. Is someone smoking? Yes, you are.

[CHUCKLING]

Ah, let the charm wash over you.

I just hope Timmy's having a good time.

I'm sure he is.

Where is he? Who's that?

Timmy. Oh, I don't know him.

Russell, he's the guest of honor.

He needs to be mingling to get things going.

No, no, no, I know, and I'll find him and straighten him out.

He's new to America. He doesn't know.

[TOILET SPUTTERING]

Oh, no.

Psst, Adam. Get in here.

That's what I'm talking about.

Okay, all right.

It's gotta be a quick one. There's people waiting.

No, I clogged the toilet.

Oh, dude.

Way to kill the mood. With tissues.

Heh, whatever you say, honey.

Just do something.

Well.

No, it's overflowing.

And everyone's gonna think I did it.

Well, you did do it, with your "tissues."

It was tissues.

Okay, calm down. We'll just find someone else to pin it on.

No, we can't do that.

Sure, we can.

Uh, no, I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

The bowl is clogged up something fierce.

[BOTH GROAN]

It wasn't her. No, it was, um--

It was those twins over there.

Ew.

I know. Creepy, huh?

All right. It doesn't seem right.

Do you want people thinking it was you?

No. Okay.

What about me? I don't wanna be the guy

whose fiancée choked the can.

Let's go.

[***]

Timmy.

Can I borrow you for a little powwow?

Powwow's funny because he's Indian, heh.

TIMMY: Be right back.

What are you doing?

Chatting up Violet, with whom,

I dare say, I have a lovely connection.

Well, Maya, with whom, I dare say,

I have a lovely connection

is freaking out because you're not mingling.

Sir, the only reason I'm here is because of Violet.

Well, if it wasn't for me, you'd be at home

going all eight-arm god on your pants puppet.

Get out there and mingle. Okay.

For 10 minutes and not one second more.

Twenty. Fifteen. Ten. Ten.

Ten and one second more. Fine.

JENNIFER: Hey. Hey.

So you guys saw the baby?

We sure did. Check it out.

Ah, amazing. Wow. Oh, my God.

What are we looking at here?

That tiny spot right there, that's our baby.

Oh, I'm so happy for you guys. Wow.

Well, prepare to double your happiness.

Oh, are you guys getting a dog too?

No, uh, the doctor said it might be twins.

So exciting. Wow.

I know. Jeff, I could use a drink.

I could use a Scotch if you're gonna go to the bar.

Well, that's, uh, still as charming as it was

at Nana's funeral.

Coming? Sure.

So it could be twins, huh? It's fantastic.

Yeah, that's what we're going with.

My cousin has twins. Twenty fingers, 20 toes.

That great baby stroller--

Yes, yes, two of everything, I get it.

Whoa. What's going on?

I'm sorry, I'm just a little freaked out.

You know, I wasn't expecting twins.

But you seemed so excited when you came in.

Yeah, I was pretending for Jeff.

It's a wife's job, fake it for your husband.

When the doctor said it could be twins,

he was just so happy.

I mean, look at him.

My life's over, dude.

I mean, how are we gonna handle twins?

Hey, speaking of.

See those freaky dudes over there?

They totally wrecked the crapper.

Oh, great. They're reloading.

[***]

[***]

So why are you so worried about having twins?

I don't know. It's hard to point at any one reason.

Our place is too small. We'll have to move.

And let's face it. I'm not getting any younger.

Let's face it. Jeff's not getting any younger.

And there's also the money. Twins can be expensive.

No, that doesn't really enter into it.

Biggest thing is the money.

I always wanted to come to a place

where I'd be treated with dignity and respect.

Hey. A little more Slumdog on the accent.

See? Look. He's working the room.

Oh, thank you so much. Heh.

You know, at first I thought you just threw this party

because you were trying to get me in bed.

What? What the what--?

But who would go to this much trouble?

Who? I mean, seriously, who?

Here, drink all of this.

Hey, you two know where there's another bathroom?

Um, I think there's one in the lobby.

Good, because those twins ruined the one in here.

Oh, I had not heard that.

Wow, it's really getting around.

I feel so bad for those twins.

Look, Jen, if we didn't pin it on them,

someone else would have.

And right there in front of me

was the Statue of Liberty.

Knowing my long, arduous journey to a new world

was finally complete

I broke down and wept with--

[ALARM BEEPING]

Excuse me.

So twins, huh?

Yeah.

How great. It's the best.

The more the merrier, I say. Yeah, bring them on.

And the horse they rode in on.

What? I don't know.

I can't do this anymore. Look, I--

I've never lied to you before,

but I'm really worried about having twins.

Oh, my God. I'm really worried too.

And you lie to me all the time.

You're worried too?

But you were so excited at the doctor's.

Honey, I was only acting excited because you were so excited.

That's what I was doing.

[SIGHS]

I mean, I was prepared for one, maybe.

But the thought of two?

I mean, God, will I be a good-enough parent for two?

Will I have enough time and energy

and, God, love to give them?

I mean, are those the things you're worried about too?

Yes. Those things.

Okay, well,

we have to be realistic here. I mean, this is a possibility.

We're gonna have to get on board.

Let's look at the, uh, all the upside.

Twins, uh,

positives about twins.

[SPEAKING IN MADE-UP LANGUAGE]

That's not helping.

Oh, they're leaving.

I feel horrible. I'm gonna go talk to them.

Just tell them to cut down on the fiber.

All right, fresh meat.

Yes, a bloated, pregnant lesbian.

Line up, fellas.

Why are you guys leaving?

Someone blamed us for clogging the toilet.

And it's ridiculous.

It's not like we go to the bathroom together.

Mm, except at home.

Super.

Hey. Hey, look who's here.

Yeah, so how's the party?

Good, yeah.

You don't have to use the crapper, do you?

So since this whole twins thing has come up,

I've been a little freaked out

about the whole, you know, exit strategy.

Oh, I get that. Me too.

Anyway, I've just been really nervous about the whole thing

and I couldn't wait till our next appointment

so I went back on my own to find out for sure.

And?

You know what? I happen to like twins

and I think other people do too.

So come on, will you please stay?

Sure. Okay, yeah, why not?

JEFF: It's not twins.

We are not having twins. Adam, good news.

We're not having twins. Oh! Congrats!

All right. Thank God.

[GUESTS CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

Mr. Dunbar,

I, uh, can't seem to locate Violet.

Any idea where she might be?

Oh, yeah, I told her to scram.

You did what?

Look, I'm on the verge of closing it with Maya.

She wants you to say a few words to the crowd.

I need you focused. Don't be selfish.

MAYA: If I could have everyone's attention?

Our newest citizen

has a few words he would like to say.

Heh, heh, heh. Don't forget to thank me.

And if you can work it in naturally,

mention that I'm rocking a monster hog.

If you can.

TIMMY: You're right, Maya.

I do have a few words to say. First off,

I'd like to thank everyone for being here to support me.

But I would especially like to thank

my boss and friend, Mr. Russell Dunbar.

[GUESTS CLAPPING] In fact,

he's such a generous soul

I'd like him to have the first piece of cake.

What?

Ooh, the whole top.

[GUESTS GASPING]

[TIMMY SIGHS]

RUSSELL: I get what's going on here.

In the region of the country where Timmy comes from,

throwing cake at someone

is the highest form of praise and honor.

GUESTS: Oh. Yeah.

So let's hear it for me a little bit.

[MAYA WHISTLES]

So why don't you join me

in honoring

Timmy?

Come on, step up. Don't be shy.

It's your party. Oh!

There we go.

Oh, my God. This is so much fun.

Heh, heh. You threw a great party.

Let's go celebrate. Come on. Wait, one second.

Hey. Good news.

I think it's gonna happen. Welcome to America, buddy.

[***]

[***]