Original subtitles

So the other day this guy in the office asked me,

what weighs more?

A pound of feathers or a pound of lead?

It's a riddle.

Yeah, heh, I'll say it is.

Adam, they're both the same.

Yeah, lead is the same as feathers.

Remind me not to come over to your place for a pillow fight.

Wow. It was either come here for breakfast

or stay home and figure out what's stinking up the fridge.

Hey, Audrey, back to the pillow fight thing,

if you and your gal pals ever need a referee--

All right, I'll be at home with my head in the fridge.

You guys wanna hear something interesting?

Uh, that depends, I can't take on another riddle right now.

No, tomorrow's my anniversary.

Hey, congrats, man. How many years?

Sixteen.

Ahh. Ha, if your marriage was a girl I could date it.

That would be 18.

It is? When did they change that?

And the big thing is, this year I remembered.

And how did you do that?

Yesterday at work I was spinning my wedding ring,

trying to break my record of 72 seconds,

when it flew off the desk and went under the radiator.

Did you break the record?

No.

Oh, God.

Oh.

When I went to go get it,

I noticed our wedding date engraved on the inside.

But I haven't even told you the best part.

That I believe.

Usually by this time Audrey's dropped a bunch of hints

about what she wants me to get her or what she wants to do.

But this year? Nothing. I'm thinking maybe she forgot.

Hey, buddy, I'm really sorry.

Why? It would be the greatest thing that ever happened.

Better than the time that squirrel beat up a possum?

[CHUCKLES]

I don't believe that happened. I know what I saw.

Anyway, why is it great that she forgot your anniversary?

Because usually I forget.

I've been the goat in our marriage for a long time.

I forget things, I'm selfish, I'm insensitive.

That's not gonna change.

But if I remember in the same year Audrey forgot,

I totally win.

And more importantly, she loses.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I think she lost 16 years ago.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say, "I love you?" *

* How many ways To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait For me and you *

[***]

Hey, you would not believe this Italian girl I met last night.

Why is it you feel the need to tell me

of every woman into whose pants you gain entry?

I've yet to gain entry.

Uh, she doesn't speak any English.

My Italian's a little rusty

but I will tell you that her pantalones are muy caliente.

That's Spanish.

Ah, merci.

French. See, this is why I need you.

I need you to come on my date tomorrow and be our translator.

And that brings us to the part of the morning where I ask,

why me?

I'm assuming you speak Italian, right?

I mean, you speak Spanish, French

and what's that crazy one you do on the phone with your mom?

It's so irritating.

Honestly, this is you asking me for a favor? I'll pass.

Well, wait,

would you pass on this?

[SNIFFS]

Hmm? Smells good.

I wouldn't even consider this if I weren't grossly underpaid

and in desperate need of cash to pay off student loans.

No.

Not quite, termite.

You'll get your money at the end of the date.

Ah, the policy for all your romantic encounters.

[***]

Hey, what do you wanna do tomorrow night?

Um, wanna see a movie?

I'll bring my man-purse, we can sneak in a bunch of candy.

Not that I'm not turned on by that,

but I was thinking we could do something different.

What about bowling? Um, I don't think so.

Why not? Weren't you like a junior champ or something?

It was All County Junior Men's Bowling Champion, division one.

I can't bowl in a non-competitive situation.

Well, don't take it so seriously.

Just relax and have fun.

[CHUCKLING]

Honey, it's not a switch I can just turn off, you know.

I have to bowl at the peak level of my ability, period.

Come on, it would be sexy

seeing you do something you're great at.

Oh, yeah, you got that right.

Phew, I was pretty popular with the Alley Cats.

That's what we call the bowling groupies.

Yeah, maybe the man purse full of candy was the way to go.

Too late, you lit the fuse.

Tomorrow night, the Adamizer rolls.

[***]

Okay, thank you, hey. Hey.

I just ordered Audrey a huge bouquet of anniversary flowers.

Oh, she'll love that. No, she won't.

Just make her realize that she forgot,

she'll feel like garbage.

I also made fancy dinner reservations.

Will she love that?

No, she'll feel too guilty.

This is gonna be great.

Your relationship is different than mine.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Don't worry, you'll get there.

Hey, Jeff.

But what if Audrey didn't forget?

What if she's just not saying anything

because she's planning a surprise?

Huh...

She knows I hate surprises

so you could be right.

I have to find out if that's what she's up to.

Look, why don't you just be a loving husband--

No, no here's the move.

You come on in with me

and you invite us to do something really lame

with you and Jen tomorrow night.

Can't. Already made plans to go bowling.

Perfect.

If she accepts, she clearly has nothing planned.

Okay, fine, but look,

if you're gonna bowl with me you have to play by the rules.

You mean throw the ball and try to knock down the pins?

[CHUCKLES]

It's a little more complicated than that.

It really isn't.

Hey. Hey. How was work?

Oh, it was great, you ought to try it.

Oh.

I just had a thought.

Um, Jen and I are going bowling tomorrow night.

You guys wanna come?

Bowling, huh?

What an intriguing offer, uh...

What do you think, Aud?

Sure, yeah.

Let's go bowling.

It puts us one bird-beak phonograph away

from being the Flintstones.

Well, then tomorrow night, we shall bowl.

That shall be the activity of the evening.

Okay.

AUDREY: What time do you think we should go--?

I'm just really excited about bowling.

[***]

So, Sophia, what brought you here from Italy?

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Ahh.

She initially came to visit friends.

But she thinks she'll stay on and perhaps take some classes.

Oh, nice.

Well, tell her no need to worry,

she has got all the class in the world.

I'm not saying that. Heh-heh.

Tell her.

[SIGHS]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[CHUCKLES]

[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]

Ah, she liked that one.

I'm sure she was just humoring you with a fake laugh.

I think I would know if a woman is faking it.

He said proudly.

Are you ready to order? Oh, very much so.

A gourmet meal is the only silver lining

to this whole ordeal. Uh, no food for you.

I don't want you chewing while you're translating.

But, sir--

No, no, I need your mouth available.

[CHUCKLES]

I need her mouth available too, heh-heh.

Tell her.

Tell her!

[***]

So did they deliver the flowers to Audrey?

Oh, I, uh, cancelled them. Why?

I realized they would've reminded hers that she forgot.

So she could run out to get a gift,

claimed she knew all along, and stolen my glory.

Heh, that's good thinking.

I also printed out confirmations

of the dinner reservation and flowers

so that I have evidence that I remembered.

You guys are all set, lanes four, 10, and 12.

Excuse me, do you have 10 pound balls?

Yes.

Quick question, when was the last time you washed your balls?

The balls get washed once a week.

Interesting.

I gotta go do some visualizing.

Oh, one more question, do you have blue balls?

[***]

Sir, Sophia is in the ladies' room, for God's sake,

may I please have a piece of bread?

Fine. Go quick. Ah.

Here she comes.

Ah. Ha-ha-ha.

Aloha.

Hey, um, tell her how worldly I am

and that I've travelled Europe expensively.

I assume you mean extensively.

No, expensively.

I want her to know how loaded I am.

She already knows that from when you had me tell her

you wanted to name one of your boats after her.

And, sir, you can do better than that.

What, am I suppose to name all my boats after her?

The whole fleet?

You have no boats.

I'm saying you should be open and honest

and let her know what's in your heart.

All right, take it easy Timminy Cricket.

Okay, tell her...

...I'd like to know... Okay.

...what color her underpants are.

[CHUCKLES]

No.

Oh, because she's European

she might not be wearing any, I got you. Okay, okay.

Good night. No, no, no, stay.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Ah. All right.

Tell her I'm glad I met her

and maybe she'd like to tell me about her family in Italy?

Now there you go, sir.

Honest, simple, from the heart.

All right, just tell her.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Well?

Um...

She was hoping to pursue a purely physical relationship.

[CHUCKLES]

RUSSELL: Ahh. Ahh.

Pants, one. Heart, zero, all right.

[IN ITALIAN ACCENT] Physical, heh.

[***]

Audrey, are you enjoying this evening

which is distinguished solely by the fact we went bowling?

Uh, yeah, so far, so good.

Ah.

Oh, you and Jen each have your own bowling balls?

No, they're both mine. One's a spare ball.

All right, I'll just use that. No, no, no.

It's not an extra ball, it's a ball for spares.

The other one is for strikes.

You gotta be kidding me.

Have you never been to a sanctioned bowling event?

This should be really fun.

[IN UNISON] Mmm.

Ah.

Ask Sophia if she'd like to come back to my place.

Fine, I hope she can hear over the sound of my stomach

eating its own lining.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Si.

Yes, she's ready.

Ohh. Okay.

Done my dirty work here. It is done.

[GIBBERING]

Oh, you're not done.

[***]

Si.

Yes. Mm-hm.

Oh, si.

Yes.

Oh, si.

Oh, yes.

[***]

Yes, yes!

Adam, I accidentally took your turn

when you were in the bathroom. But, um, you can take mine.

Great, I'd be happy to add to your 37.

Um, sorry. ADAM: No problem.

I was working on a turkey,

but thanks for the two pin contribution.

Hey, why don't, uh, we take a break?

We'll have a little time out and I'll go get us some drinks.

Oh, I'll help.

All right. Audrey's said nothing about our anniversary

and it's too late for her to throw anything together.

It's go time.

All right, what are you gonna do?

When she comes back I'm gonna grab a ball

and roll a strike. Not with that follow through.

Then I'll turn around and I'm gonna say happy anniversary.

This will be my shining moment as a husband.

My moment of triumph.

Happy anniversary. What the--

Happy anniversary, honey.

You remembered? AUDREY: Of course.

What, just now? You ran and grabbed the bowling alley cake?

Heh, no.

This cake is from that bakery that you love on 72nd Street.

And I know you've had a lot to deal with this year with me

quitting my job and finding a surrogate and all that nonsense.

And I didn't want to put any more pressure on you.

So it's okay that you forgot again, I'm not upset.

No, this year I didn't forget. I remembered.

Okay, Jeff, you don't have to do that.

I told you I am not upset.

No, really, I remembered. ADAM: Yeah.

Yeah, he's got proof. Show her the receipts.

No.

What receipts? There are no receipts. I, uh...

I forgot.

They're right there in his pocket.

No, they're not.

AUDREY: Oh.

A dinner reservation and a receipt from the florist.

So why am I not at this restaurant

smelling these flowers?

You're not focusing on the right thing here.

The point is,

I remembered.

And you thought I forgot.

So you...

You canceled the dinner and the flowers

but retained the confirmation to shove in my face?

Happy anniversary.

I don't want you hanging around with him anymore.

Now can we get back to bowling?

[***]

Hey.

I got you these.

You still mad?

You mean, from the worst thing you've ever done

that happened 20 minutes ago?

Still raw. I hear you.

These flowers are just temporary

and not just because they're mostly dead.

I reordered you the giant bouquet flowers.

And we have those dinner reservations for tomorrow night.

Well, that's a start.

You have your choice of 5:15 or 10:45.

You know,

if you spend a fraction of the time you spend game playing

and plotting against me toward nice things--

I won't deny it, this one kind of got away from me.

I, uh, I'm really sorry.

I gotta get to the gym. I'm tense, I've been tense.

[SIGHS]

I know you have.

I was just so proud of myself when I remembered.

Well, at least that shows

you were trying to be a good husband.

Then when I thought you forgot-- You got greedy.

I did.

I flew too close to the sun.

Well, to use a phrase

I've used far too often on our anniversary:

I forgive you.

You do? Yeah, come on.

We're 16 years in, nobody's going anywhere.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh.

Who'd have thought you remembering our anniversary

would be so much worse than you forgetting it?

Well, don't worry. That won't happen again.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, Audrey, sometimes I don't think I deserve you.

So there are times when you think you do?

[CHUCKLES]

[***]

Timmy.

Timmy. I need you.

Oh. Again? Sir, at a certain point I really don't think

this is about the translating. No, no, no.

You gotta help me eject her from the cockpit.

At some point during the night

she got a little clingy and annoying.

Well, you know, sir,

that's your problem because my translating duties are over.

That's funny because my paying you duties are over. Wha--?

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]

All right, tell her, uh,

you know, I had fun but we both know the score.

Fine.

[IN ITALIAN]

Uh, you know, I wish her the best but I got to move on.

[IN ENGLISH] Okay.

[IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

Uh, she's taking it like a real trooper, ha, ha.

[***]

[***]