Original subtitles

You can see that the sperm has penetrated the ovum.

Well, he had his marching orders.

We did it, Jeff. We made a zygote.

I create life.

Like a god.

Well, it was a team effort. You're right.

Good job, doc.

Thank you.

Brenda, come look. Okay.

Excuse me. I'm who they're putting it in, so...

Aw. Jeff, it looks just like you.

You know, blob of cells that hasn't developed a brain yet.

World full of surrogates and, uh, we get lesbian Don Rickles.

Okay, so when are we gonna knock me up?

Day after tomorrow.

So the zygote has time to develop?

Well, that, and I'm playing golf tomorrow.

Doc, any way that we could, uh, help this to be a boy?

Jeff.

Girl. Nudge it towards girl.

Or we could split the difference and get one of these.

You're probably wondering why I'm helping these people.

Come on, babe. You know you'd love a daughter.

Who doesn't love little girls?

Whoa. Check out the blouse mounds on that skank.

Sir, we agreed if I was going to join you

in the pursuit of female companionship

we would do it with a certain amount of decorum--

Yowza, that'll play.

And perfect, there's two of them.

Now, let me handle the introductions.

I think the approach requires a more elegant and understated--

My God, they're tall as trees.

Ha-ha-ha. Yes.

Pardon my friend's, uh, understated elegance.

Uh, this is Timmy. My name is Russell.

I'm Shante.

And I'm Stasha.

Pleased to be meeting you.

Could we buy you ladies a libation?

RUSSELL: That's a great idea.

Why don't you get a White Russian and a Black Velvet.

Oh, that was fast.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say, "I love you?" *

* How many ways To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait For me and you *

[***]

So the doctor's appointment went well.

Yeah, check out our zygote. Hmm.

What's a zygote?

Her fertilized egg.

You done with this here?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, man.

You know how they make bacon? Just take it.

I'm his best friend.

Hey, don't forget we have that surrogacy seminar tonight.

Well, this is a bad night for me.

Why, what else do you have to do?

No, going to a surrogacy seminar.

That's a bad night for me.

Come on, this is important to me.

They're gonna show us how we can be more involved in the process.

Well, I thought the whole benefit of using Brenda

was that we could be less involved.

You thought wrong.

Come on, you're going. I already paid for it.

Well, can we, uh--? Non-refundable.

Not if you wrote a-- Paid cash.

Fine, I'll go, but-- Not bringing your flask.

You can't control the Scotch that'll already be in my body.

Yee.

Hello.

Heh. You both look chipper.

I do have a certain spring in me pants.

What you're seeing is two dudes who deftly managed

to pick up a couple of honeys last night.

JEFF: So let me guess, uh,

you drove the van, and you hit them with the blow dart.

Ha-ha-ha. So who are these girls?

Did the one who ended up with Russell

get to pick first next time?

Oh, uh, heh.

They're celebrities, actually.

Actually.

Stasha Ebonavich.

Shante Jackson.

They're lady pro basketball players for the New York Empire.

Oh, so by celebrities, you meant regular un-famous people

who I could beat in basketball.

So are they really tall?

Big, like mountains.

With mountains.

Picture a mountain.

And then two smaller,

yet delightful little mountains stuck on the front.

Hopefully tonight, I'll be scaling those peaks.

The question was, "Are they tall?"

[***]

Ugh.

Noodles suck.

I don't know what the Chinese are so fired up about.

Ugh, I'm so hungry.

Well, when we decided to save for our honeymoon

we had to cut either fancy dinners or hair care products.

You made the choice.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I have a shipment of Omaha steaks for Jeff Bingham.

Steaks?

Oh, those are actually--

[MIMICS JEFF'S VOICE] Quiet, woman.

I'm Jeff Bingham.

What are you doing?

You stay out of this, wife-- Audrey.

She gets awfully mouthy.

We just made a zygote.

He's not Immigration. He just needs a signature.

There you go.

Adam Rhodes?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yes?

No, that's what you signed.

Oh, my God.

[***]

Come on, come on, come on! Go, go, go, go!

Yeah! Oh, swish!

[BOTH CHEER]

Yeah! Yeah!

ANNOUNCER: Shante Jackson.

You know it. Heh.

Oh, my, my, your lady is quite the ball handler.

Oh, here's hoping.

You know, Stasha and I talked for two hours before the game.

I feel like we've made quite the connection.

Yeah, how about these VIP all-access passes.

Awesome. They're so great.

I think I'm gonna go get my half-price chalupa.

Oh, nice. All right, Shante! Nice!

Yeah, made out with her last night. Yes, I did. Oh, yeah.

Are you guys with Stasha and Shante?

I believe we're in the budding stages of something special.

Hey, welcome. Oh, thank you.

We're the other New York boyfriends.

Excuse me, I'm sorry. Um...

But what do you mean by "New York boyfriends?"

Well, the girls keep men in cities all over the country.

Well, the six they play in.

Um, I'm not quite sure I understand, uh...

Heh. You must be with Stasha.

She likes them sweet and innocent.

Well, she made no mention of anyone else, so, you know.

Dude, what did you think?

They're elite athletes making thousands of dollars

playing in front of hundreds of cheering fans.

You can't expect them to settle down with one guy.

Dude. Oh.

[TIMER BUZZES]

[***]

Oh, you gotta be-- Don't start.

It looks like the inside of I Dream of Jeannie's bottle.

Fresh reference.

You're gonna make an excellent grandfather for our kid.

Good evening and welcome.

Why doesn't everyone have a seat?

I know. There aren't any.

So let me ask.

Why are you all here?

Our check cleared?

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

No, no, no, it's all right. Humor is always welcome.

So, sir, feel free to keep trying.

Now, there are things you can do to enhance your experience.

Things that I believe could increase your chance

of a successful implantation.

Really? No, not really.

By creating a purely positive energy

you increase the chance of success in whatever you do.

As I have done here.

So you see this as a big win, huh?

[***]

Mm.

That is so good.

Stealing these steaks was literally

the smartest thing you've ever done.

I know, honey, but...

[SIGHS]

But what?

Was it the right thing to do?

Why are you asking that? You're the one who did this

with what I think was a spot-on Jeff imitation.

Well, what about "thou shalt not steal"?

What about "thou shalt sack up"?

Come on.

You know you want it.

I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't.

Jeff's my best friend.

He takes your food, he insults everything you wear

and he always calls you gay.

Yeah. You're right. I'm not gay.

Sorry, Jeff.

I'm gonna eat your meat.

[***]

I just don't know why you had to behave that way.

Me? You clocked me with the pillow.

You know, the, uh, button hit my ear.

You deserved it. How humiliating.

Escorted out of a surrogacy seminar.

You know what? I told you I didn't wanna go.

I told you it was gonna be stupid.

No, no. It wasn't stupid.

It only became that way after you walked in.

Come on, Audrey, you can't be buying into that stuff.

Come on, do I believe candles and incense can actually help?

I don't know. But I wanna do something.

Something cuckoo?

Okay, you wear your lucky Knicks jersey every time they play.

Why do you do that?

Because the time I didn't, they lost.

To the Cavs, Aud. The Cavs.

But the point is,

I don't try to force you to wear a Knicks shirt.

Okay, fine. Fine. I will stop forcing you

to do things you obviously don't wanna do.

If you're gonna be so negative

maybe you shouldn't be there tomorrow.

I'll go to the chiropractor instead.

Screwed up my back sitting on that dog bed.

[***]

[***]

Pass it. Pass it around. Aw!

[TIMER BUZZES]

ANNOUNCER [OVER PA]: After double-overtime, the final score:

The Santa Fe Pueblos, 43. Your New York Empire, 42.

[RUSSELL GRUMBLES]

The girls are gonna be bummed.

It's time for some sexual healing.

You go ahead, sir. I'm, uh...

Wha--? Just gonna head home,

sit in the shower with my knees pulled to my chest

and think about what might have been.

Well, you might have been a man before you said that.

Sir, Rick said that the ladies have boyfriends

in every city where they play.

So?

So I'm nothing more to Stasha than 127 pounds of boy toy.

Okay. That's the great news, okay?

There's no strings attached.

This is like driving a rental car.

You get to drive it around, beat it all up,

hand it in to the airport, then it's the next dude's problem.

I'm sorry, sir, but, uh,

I was hoping for a deeper relationship with Stasha.

[RUSSELL WHIMPERS] I actually thought that she--

[RUSSELL WHIMPERING]

She and I had an emotional connection.

A chance at a relationship-- [SOBBING]

Okay, stop that.

We are on the verge of a great evening here.

With big girls, Timmy. Big ones.

It's like a Vegas buffet of woman.

My heart's just not in it, I'm afraid.

[RUSSELL SIGHS]

Why do you always have to be you?

Why can't you just relax

and accept the joyful shallowness of it all?

Well, perhaps you're right.

You know, maybe what I need to do

is just enjoy this relationship for what it is.

Ooh. Okay.

Well, let's sign the damage waiver

and take these chicks out for a spin.

All right, let's do it. Yeah. Hey-oh!

[MARY WELLS' "MY GUY" PLAYING]

* Nothing you can say Can tear me away from my guy *

Yeah.

[ALL CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

Here. Come here.

* 'Cause I'm stuck like glue *

*To my guy *

* I'm sticking to my guy Like a stamp to a letter *

* Like birds of a feather We stick together *

* I'm tellin' you From the start *

* I can't be torn apart From my guy *

* Nothing you could do *

* Could make me untrue To my guy *

* My guy *

Oh, yeah. * Nothing you could buy *

* Could make me tell a lie To my guy *

* My guy *

* I gave my guy My word of honor *

[CAMERA CLICKING]

* To be faithful And I'm gonna *

* You best be believing I won't be deceiving my guy *

[***]

Why are you fidgeting?

Jeff's gonna know we ate his steaks.

How?

Because he's gonna smell them on us.

You're being paranoid. Am I, really?

Remember when I lost that Slim Jim in the couch?

He walked in, turned the cushions over

and he found it.

That was how we met.

Okay, here he comes. Here he comes. Just be cool.

Hey.

What's up, T-bone?

J-bone.

Hey, Jeff.

Uh, hey, could I get a cheeseburger?

Boy, you know, I'll have one too.

I can't remember the last time that I had meat.

Speaking of meat, uh,

does, uh, our building smell like beef lately?

I wouldn't know. Because I lost my sense of smell as a kid.

Why haven't I said anything until now?

I don't know.

No.

Just no.

Hey, guys. ADAM: Hey.

JENNIFER: Hey. Hey, Jeff.

You and Audrey ready for "operation all up in me"?

That's right. Good luck. BRENDA: Thanks.

Is it a big procedure?

No, the whole thing will only take a minute.

Which is how long it would take if Jeff did it to Audrey

the old-fashioned way. [ALL CHUCKLE]

Yeah, I spoil her.

Yeah, she's all mad

because I won't get into this whole new age-y thing with her.

Well, she's probably really emotional.

You know, cut her a break.

Heh, cut her a steak?

Man, that doesn't even make any sense.

You're blowing it.

You know, maybe she's just trying to find a way

to be more involved.

Well, why didn't she just say that?

My guess is she probably did.

Look, you know what? Just go along with it.

Bottom line, we're gonna turkey baste me

and in a week, we'll know if it took.

And if it didn't, it's not a big deal.

You'll just write another check and we'll try again.

Another check?

Yeah, you have to pay the clinic every time you try.

[RELAXING MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

Welcome to this life-giving experience.

Jeff, you did this for me?

For you, for me, for her.

The whole universe, really.

Oh, babe, you heard me.

I love you again.

Okay. I'm gonna go tell them we're ready.

[SIGHS]

Oh, you crazy bastard.

And you, saddle up and get this right the first time.

[***]

See you, White Dynamite.

Bye.

Thank you for the fun, Timmy.

I found you to be a worthy adversary between my sheets.

I'm happy to have been the alley to your oop.

[TIMMY SIGHS]

Well, sir.

I must admit, I do have to thank you

for showing me the joys of a stringless relationship.

Yeah. No strings, man.

Mr. Dunbar, what is it?

Nothing.

I think I've fallen for that big-boned gal.

And now she's gone.

Oh, sir. Don't look at me.

[SOBBING] It hurts, Tim.

It hurts so much.

[RUSSELL WHIMPERING]

[***]

Hey.

Don't "hey" me. Where are the steaks?

Uh, I couldn't live with the guilt.

So I rewrapped the box and I gave it back to Jeff.

Wow. How mad was he? I don't know.

I did it unanimously.

It's the other one?

Anyway, um, so I left them on his doorstep

and I even weighted them down a little bit

so he wouldn't notice some were missing.

Well, at least he'll never know it was us.

Nine...

Only 10.

"From the desk of Adam Rhodes."

So, uh, I just talked to Dr. Sachs.

Yeah? Didn't happen this time.

But he says he is confident we will get Brenda pregnant

the next two, three tries.

Two or three?

[GROANS]

Honey, don't be sad.

We are gonna make this happen.

I don't care if it takes 10 times.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, Jeff. See? This is the real you.

Ten times?

Oh, you really wanted it to happen.

I did. I really did.

[***]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yo.

You can stop pining, sir.

I, uh, have a surprise for you.

Stand up, White Dynamite.

Shante. Oh, my God.

BOTH: Mm.

I told her how much you were missing her, sir.

So I'm taking you on the road with me.

You are? Wee!

Where are we going?

Our first game's in Tulsa. Tulsa?

And then it's off to Tacoma.

What's Tacoma?

I don't think this is working out even though you're great.

Hey, I flew all the way across country.

This is happening.

What do you mean? No, no.

Timmy, do something.

Timmy, call security.

No means no.

[***]

[***]