Original subtitles

I'll have scrambled eggs, side of sausages.

Western omelet, please.

You know what? Surprise me.

What am I some kind of birthday party clown?

Come on. It'll be fun.

Okay.

Surprise.

[CHUCKLING]

Hey, who saw Gossip Girl last night?

Best episode ever.

Didn't you think it was weird how it cut out in the middle?

Oh, it'd be great if that could happen to this conversation.

No, it didn't cut out. It ended with Dan deciding

that he was going to settle down and be a father

to Georgina Sparks' baby.

OMG, that's major.

I know, right?

I'm sorry, am I at a slumber party?

Seriously, can we guy up

the verbal badminton s'il vous plait?

I don't know what happened. On my TV, it went to static.

So my guess is they disconnected your service.

I've tried to tell Mr. Dunbar

now that his mother has cut him off

he has to become responsible and pay his own bills.

But, uh, he remains mired

in a level of denial not to be believed.

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

Mr. Dunbar, I'm going to go to the office right now

and draw up a budget for you. We'll go over it later.

Oh, yay, I get to crunch numbers with H&R blecch.

They all said come to America.

Hey, what's with this getup?

I'm on my way uptown to start my new job.

Uh, it may be new to you, but technically

it's the world's oldest profession.

[LAUGHING]

He said you're a shepherd.

I'm hostessing over at Amy Beth's kitchen.

Figured it would be a fun thing to do

while I figure out what's next for me.

Oh, hey, did you ask them? No, no, I did not ask them

what they do with the leftover muffins at the end of the day.

Was there not a point during the interview when they said,

do you have any questions?

But honestly, why be a hostess?

I mean, you went to a real college

not one of those pretend schools that are online.

No offense.

None taken. That was a tough six years.

Being hostess is an honest day's work.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

They bake more than they can sell.

That's just... That's just business 101.

I was defined by my job at that magazine.

I mean, it was my whole identity.

You worked at a magazine?

I thought it was furniture store.

Yeah.

Thank you, caring friends.

No, at my old job I was stuck in my office all day.

I'm not sure where I'm gonna end up but in the meantime

I wanna be out among people

because I'm a real people person.

Heh, right. Okay. Ha-ha-ha.

I am.

Right?

They can't just throw them away.

Oh, enough with the muffins.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say, "I love you?" *

* How many ways To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait For me and you *

[***]

And then in the fourth grade, I went as a Power Ranger

and that was the year that I got the most candy

because there were a lot of Power Rangers

so I hit the same houses, like, two, three times.

The people didn't even notice.

So that was pretty tight.

Talk less.

Oh, sorry. I'm just being sociable.

Tell you what, you're the understudy for the TV.

If something happens to it, you're on.

[PHONE RINGING]

Ugh.

Hi, hon.

Okay.

What was that?

Ugh, that's what I refer to as the nothing call.

Audrey calls me to tell me that she's almost home.

Like I won't piece it together when she walks through the door.

I swear, one of these days, I'm just gonna say,

"Why the hell are you telling me that?"

That sounds annoying. Oh, it is.

But it's, you know, all part of the deal. What's, uh...?

What's Jen's most annoying habit?

Oh, no, she doesn't have any. She's the best.

I don't believe you. Well, there's this one thing,

um, she's a knuckle cracker. Hmm.

In bed, I'll be relaxing, on the verge of falling asleep

and all of a sudden it's, like, crack, crack, pop, pop.

And I wanna say something to her

but I'm just afraid to hurt her feelings.

You never confront head-on. Just get defensive.

So what do you do? You ask her

if there's anything about you that she'd wanna change.

She'll tell you something that bugs her

and you say that you'll work on it.

And then, inevitably, she'll say,

"What would you change about me?"

Ah, so she brings it on herself. Nice.

Yeah. I'm not new to this.

Anyway, you say, uh, "Well, if I had to pick something,

it'd be the knuckle cracking." That really works?

It's worked on all Audrey's bad habits.

Eh.

Except for that one.

Which one is that?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hey.

Super.

Thanks for letting me know.

Hey, I'm home.

[***]

Okay, so you lead the guests over to their table

and you say, "Enjoy your meal." Oh, no.

It is a lot to remember. I'll get you a pen.

No, no, no. That woman. I went to college with her.

I can't let her see me working here.

Why not?

You know, it's kind of humiliating.

No, not for you. You're fine.

It's just we were really competitive.

And I had kind of an important job before this.

So now my job's not important. No, okay, fine,

you're Hillary freaking Clinton, okay. Just cover for me.

Audrey. Heh. Oh.

How are you? Oh, Stephanie.

Oh, I thought that was you. So what are you up to?

Oh, you know, just getting my brunch on.

Um, uh, Audrey, party of two.

Where's the other person? She's on her way.

Whoa, attitude.

Whatever. She's a hostess.

Uh, so what are you doing these days?

Actually, I just got promoted.

I run the mentor program at NYU. Oh, wow.

Yeah, it's kind of a big deal.

What about you? Are you still with the magazine?

Yes, I am. Kind of an even bigger deal, heh.

[CHUCKLES]

Here's your nametag, Audrey.

I have a young woman in the program

who majored in journalism.

Would you be up for mentoring her?

Well, sure.

I hope she's smart. I have a lot to offer.

So you said that you're still working at the magazine?

[CHUCKLES]

What happened to, "There's no shame in being a hostess"?

There isn't. It's just...

In the time it would have taken to explain--

"I quit. I'm a hostess now," 1.4 seconds.

It's easy for you to just sit there and take shots.

That's why I'm doing it.

All right, so, uh, what's the plan, Lucy?

You gonna get Ethel to dress up as your boss?

I'm having Julia meet me in the lobby of my old building.

Why? It's what Stephanie wanted.

I'll make it look like I came down from my office

and I'll take her straight to lunch.

Take her to Amy Beth's.

Give her the full tour of places you no longer work.

Very funny.

Don't worry, I have this all figured out.

I'm gonna teach her everything I know

and she'll be none the wiser.

[***]

Well, well, well.

This place is crawling with wiener candy.

Nothing off-putting about that, sir.

I'm not sure you've chosen the best venue in which

to discuss this but I've outlined a very basic budget.

Ugh. Speaking of which, I bet this chick in the red

could budge it without even touching it

if you know what I mean.

I often long for the simpler time

when I didn't know what you meant.

Barkeep, can I get a glass of champagne

for every chick in the bar under 110 pounds, heh?

Sir, do you really think that's wise?

Oh, you're right.

Let's make it 115. Don't want to offend.

Heh.

But back to your finances. Yes. Here we go.

This is what you spend in an average night

buying women cocktails. [GIGGLING]

You just said-- Cocktails. Yes.

I know that word can be broken down

with hilarious consequences.

Now, please, sir, focus on-- Excuse me.

Hi, I just wanted to thank you for the champagne.

Oh, you're very welcome. I'm Cheyenne.

Oh, Shy-Anne. Well, I'm Suave Russell.

Ha-ha-ha. That's cute.

Heh. No, I was born in Wyoming.

Oh, so you're a mountain girl. Oh, I am.

Well, let's start mounting, girl.

Really?

That's funny. Do you wanna come join me at my table?

Really? RUSSELL: Heh-heh.

I'd love to.

Coming next fall on The Skankiest Catch.

[***]

I mean, they call it Sports Illustrated for Kids.

This is every bit as informative as the other one.

That's great, honey.

Apolo Ohno has a cat named Icy.

I mean, that's just good reporting.

[CRACKING]

Hey, sweetie, I was wondering,

if you could change one thing about me what would it be?

Nothing, honey. You're perfect.

Oh, no, no, come on. Come on, honey.

There's gotta be something.

Hmm.

If I had to pick one thing,

Yeah? you can be a tiny bit chatty.

Okay.

Okay. No, that's great. I will work on that.

Well, might there be something that you wanna ask me?

Yeah, why are you so chatty?

What?

Well, it's like, I wake up to you talking.

All morning, then all day, then at night.

You know, watching TV, having dinner. Even during sex.

And it's not even about the sex.

It's just random babble, talk, talk, talk.

I mean, you have this need to fill the air with noise.

I have literally gone outside

sometimes for some peace and quiet

and we live in the busiest city in the world.

Wow. I guess I didn't realize how much that bothered me.

Yeah.

Thanks for letting me get it off my chest.

Good night, honey.

[***]

So ultimately, what I learned was,

when you buy a used jet, get a receipt.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, I have to use the little girls' room.

Oh, well, wait a second.

Here, give this to the attendant.

Oh, they don't have one here.

Oh, well, just to be clear, I'm rich.

Heh. Okay. Heh. All right.

I finally get it now.

It's all about your lack of self-esteem, isn't it?

What is? Your compulsion to try

to win women with lies and extravagance.

If you had something real to offer, you wouldn't need

to hide behind the expensive food and fancy drinks.

Oh, really?

I'm not hiding behind anything.

[SIGHS]

RUSSELL: Who asked for your dumb opinion anyway?

Timmy?

Timmy?

[***]

[***]

RUSSELL: Ah.

All right. Here we go. Ah.

It's very dark.

Let me get the lights.

Crap. Hey, you know what, this is more romantic anyway.

Why don't you have a seat? Okay, heh.

[THUDS THEN RUSSELL GROANS]

Are you okay?

Just took a corner of a table in the nards. No biggie.

I'm just slumming it here

until my entire floor at the Dakota is redone.

I talked to Yoko.

She said her and John did it. Took six months.

But we're going on a year here. I mean, what's up?

Who are John and Yoko?

Oh, I have no idea. I'm too young.

So why don't you just go stay on your yacht?

It's in the yacht shop.

And they were gonna give me a loaner but it doesn't have GPS.

I don't want to get lost

and wind up on Gilligan's Island, heh.

What's that? Don't ask me. I'm too young.

Mm. Yeah.

There we go. Ah.

Why doesn't this lamp work?

Oh, no, you know what, it must be a blackout.

Quick, let's see if the bed still works.

All the other buildings are lit up, heh.

What's going on, Russell? Do you not have electricity, heh?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Got a confession to make, uh...

I am Amish.

Art thou shocked?

Art thou serious?

How dumb do you think I am?

Not as dumb as I was hoping.

All right, here's the thing.

Uh, my trust fund was cut off.

And I have not yet learned how to fend for myself.

But I'm sure you'll stand by me while I learn

because you and I, I feel, have a real connection.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[***]

Hey, Jeff. I'm in the lobby.

The girl's not here yet but so far, so good.

Thanks. I need to know where you are every second of every day.

Where are you, anyway?

Well, your other old workplace.

They put out a fine product. Oh, excuse me.

Who do I talk to about day-old muffins?

Are you Julia?

Audrey. Hi.

I just came down in the elevator from a high-level meeting.

Wow.

It's very nice to meet you. Oh, you too.

Hmm, I have a lot to offer.

Great. I wanna learn everything.

And learn, you shall.

I have a hankering for a Cobb salad. What do you say?

Oh, yeah. That sounds really great.

But if it's not too much trouble

I was really hoping I'd get to see your office first.

Oh, uh, uh...

It's being fumigated.

Oh. Bugs.

Bedbugs.

Angry little ones.

[***]

And what can I get you?

Oh, I'm good. Day-old. Half price.

How's your sandwich?

So I call you chatty and now you're not gonna talk?

I wouldn't have said anything if I knew--

Why--? Why are you trying to fix this?

Scooch.

You were right, Timmy.

Poor guys don't get the hoo-hah.

Not even close to what I said, sir.

I was simply telling you

not to pretend to be something other than yourself.

Yeah, like tall or STD-free.

Sir, you needn't wallow. It's not as if you're penniless.

All you need to do is be responsible and pay your bills.

I would like my gas turned back on.

So I can stick my head in the oven.

[***]

Oh, my God, it's Gina Black. Oh, crap.

She publishes your magazine and so many others.

Do you think there's a chance I could meet her?

She's very busy but I will tell her you say hi.

Now, about that Cobb salad. Miss Black?

Oh, jeez, what are you doing? Shut up.

Can I help you? AUDREY: Hi, Gina.

This is Julia. I'm mentoring her. Heh.

And you are? Audrey Bingham.

I was assistant editor of Indoor Living.

Was? Is. Am.

Did you just start? No, I've worked here for years.

Last fall I pitched the whole Ottoman Empire spread.

Did we use it?

It was the freaking cover.

I busted my ass on that issue

and you don't even remember if we used it?

That's how little I meant?

Oh, I know who you are. Thank you.

You're the one who stole the chair.

That was my chair.

And you know something, I am glad I quit.

You don't work here?

You're just putting that together now, genius?

Well, then, why did you volunteer--

Because I have a lot to offer.

Hey, it's me. I'll be home in a few minutes.

Because you're my husband and I thought you might be interested.

[***]

Ah, there you go.

Sade and merlot, oh.

Perhaps I should have been a bit clearer, sir.

This is merely a work visit.

Good one. Straight from the Calcutta chuckle hut.

So, uh, what do we do? Well, uh, where are your bills?

I keep them over here.

I couldn't be less surprised.

All right, well, uh,

why don't you, uh, reach in there and pick one.

What's that one for?

Ahem. Well, this one is, uh...

Huh.

This isn't a bill at all, sir, um...

It's a dividend check from stocks still in your name.

What?

Your mother must have overlooked them.

Heh, really? Yes, and fortuitously so.

With this influx of funds,

you'll be able to pay off these bills

and still have a little left over for a rainy day.

Or...

Yeah! [ALL CHEERING & APPLAUDING]

Woo-hoo!

I'm rich again, I love it!

I implore you to-- Timmy!

Have some fun.

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

[***]

I mean, "chatty"? I just like to talk.

Things occur to me and I wanna share them.

What am I supposed to e-mail her?

I really don't think I talk any more than the next guy.

What kind of beer is this? It's good.

Hmm.

My Uncle Roddy has six toes.

You stop cracking your knuckles and this one will shut up.

[***]

[***]