Original subtitles

Hey. ADAM: Hey, whoa.

Snazzy getup, Aud.

I've decided to get back into running.

Buying outfits that make you look you're from the future.

I am from the future. Guess what? I'm single.

Fine. I'll be dating a bunch of sexy robots.

All right.

It's a good thing that you, uh,

ripped the tags off that new outfit.

Wouldn't wanna be able to return it after you give up.

I'm not gonna give up.

I'm as committed to running

as you are to clogging your arteries.

I doubt it.

Well...

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to, uh,

get to the office. Now that you're not working,

I have to try.

He's so stressed about money, he's too manly to admit it.

Jennifer is the same way.

Why don't they know it's okay to open up?

Dopey, Bashful, Busty.

Sir, isn't that the same outfit you were wearing--

When you opened for the Doobie Brothers?

I was going to say last night.

It is indeed the same outfit I, uh, wore last night

because I had an away game. TIMMY: Mm.

Is this the end of it?

Or should I prepare for another woman into your office

to deliver a Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf? style tirade?

[ADAM CHUCKLES]

Virginia Woolf? No, Timmy, it's the big bad wolf.

No, Mr. Rhodes, I was actually...

Thank you.

Anyway, Heather's great. She's sweet and funny.

We laugh. We talk. We kissed on the mouth.

Sounds like you like this girl.

I do, it's not just physical. I like hanging out.

So how'd you guys leave things? I don't know. I snuck out.

Why? Habit, I guess.

Open eyes, back of chick's head, not my apartment, skedoodle.

[IMITATES WHOOSH] [CHUCKLES]

You should go back. Can you go back, though?

Can you unskedoodle?

Yeah, if you really like her, why not?

Yeah, I do. I'm going back. Yeah. Good.

Oh. It's like running over a bunny with your car

and then getting out and shooting it.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say I love you *

* How many ways To say that I'm not scared *

* With you by my side There is no denying *

* I can't wait for me and you *

[**]

Oh, hey, Jeff. Hey, Dan, what's up?

I'm collecting for Janet's baby gift.

Didn't I kick in for that?

That was Janet's baby shower gift.

Ah.

I'm surprised I wasn't asked to kick in

for the booze her husband used when he knocked her up.

I mean, why don't you just bend me over, Janet?

Yeah, maybe don't sign the card.

Oh, it's Todd's birthday today. I'm collecting for a cake.

Oh, a cake?

Is Todd turning 9?

Here. Here's a little extra.

Why don't you get him a bounce house too?

[**]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey. Russell, where did you go?

I ran out to get you this. It's like you.

Soft, delicious, and low in fat.

[BOTH LAUGH]

So I thought we could hang out this morning.

Oh, that sounds great. I'd love to.

Wait. I'm getting a text.

Oh, shoot. I've gotta run into the office.

Oh, I understand. Wanna get lunch?

I wish I could,

but I'm stacked up all day with work stuff.

Oh, message received. Dinner?

Dinner. It's a plan. Okay.

Wait, I have a weekly work meeting Wednesday nights.

Tonight's Thursday. Ah, Wednesday and Thursday

are my two worst nights.

I've got work functions on both of them.

You couldn't have had one, we were together.

It was before that. Anyway, I better go get ready.

I have your number, so I'll call if things get less hectic, okay?

She said she's gonna call me.

Hm. So that's what you took away from all that?

It's not what I took away. She's gonna call me.

I see.

Wow. Um, the thing is,

I'm not quite sure how to put this--

I think what Timmy's trying to say is...

Congratulations. Sounds like she's really into you.

That's right. Yeah. Yeah.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[**]

[KNOCKS]

Yo, Jeff. The raffle tickets are in.

Time to pay the piper.

Which raffle tickets? What piper?

My lodge's charity raffle, remember?

Fifty bucks a ticket,

grand prize is a Volkswagen Jetta.

You said you'd buy a ticket. Oh, I've changed my mind.

So you don't wanna buy one? No, detective, I don't.

Come on. Everyone else in the office bought a ticket.

What is this, socialist Canada?

Actually, I don't think Canada is--

Look, look, I have just--

I've had enough of having everyone's hands in my pocket.

In fact, you know what? That's it.

Excuse me. Can I have everyone's attention?

I am sick of you

parasites asking me to contribute, donate

or kick in to, uh, every charity raffle

or stupid event in your pathetic lives. I'm out!

Happy birthday, Todd.

[**]

Really? Right in the middle of Todd's party?

Yeah, I just snapped. Everyone was pretty shocked.

It didn't help when I took the first piece of cake.

Jeff, Audrey thinks you're really stressed out about money.

Why don't you talk to her?

That's not how I do things.

Believe that a man provides for his woman

without ever complaining or showing stress

all the while silently resenting her for it.

Cool, cool. Okay, well, I should take off.

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

I got back from running with Kate. Guess what?

I hate this game. You never appreciate my guesses.

She's doing a 10K charity fun run,

and I decided to sign up.

Is it topless? Because that would be a real fun run.

"You sure you can't do better?" All my friends said.

"Yes, I'm sure."

All right, well, good for you and Kate.

I'm gonna bring this pledge sheet

and get your coworkers to donate.

Coworkers? I don't think that's, uh, a good idea.

Why? I'm raising money for a good cause.

Come on. If they were gonna find a cure for this disease

uh, wouldn't they have found one already?

It's for an animal shelter.

Still.

Why the sudden anti-charity stance?

Look, I--

I don't think that the people in my office are very generous.

Well, it can't hurt to ask.

Fine. If you're gonna be stubborn about this

I'll take care of it.

[**]

[RUSSELL GROANS]

Can't believe Heather hasn't called yet.

I know.

Maybe my phone's broken. Give me a call.

[SIGHS]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Heather?

Babe? Hello?

No, sir, it's me. Well, quit tying up the line.

She might be trying to call me.

Man, she must be super busy.

Busy sanding her fingerprints and changing her identity.

Hey, dude, why don't you just call her?

She forgot to give me her number.

But I know where she works.

Sir, I really don't think calling her is a good idea.

Timmy,

Poor, sweet, fancy, stupid Timmy.

You're jealous.

Why in the world would I be jealous?

I have this great relationship and you just got dumped

by that squeaky garden rake from Accounting.

She didn't dump me. She moved to Chicago.

We're trying to work things out.

I hope you do. She seems like a sweetheart.

Hey, let him call her.

Let him get a taste of his own sleazy medicine

like he gives every girl he blows off. It makes me sick.

Hm. See, Audrey thinks I should call.

My, you really only hear what you want to hear.

Thanks. I've been working out.

Hey, is Heather there?

This is so exciting.

Heather, it's Russell.

Yeah, hey, I was just thinking this week we could, uh

Uh, what's that? Really?

Well, yeah, you should be there for her.

Sure, well, give me a call when you get back. Okay.

Shows what you know. She was just about to call me

but she had to rush off to visit her aunt in Nova Scotia.

Oh.

Man, you are having the worst luck with her. It's crazy.

Really? Just bad luck?

You see no subtext in Heather's conveyance?

I don't see subtext in anything.

This is like a classic romantic comedy.

It sure feels that way. Yes.

All you have to do

get over some obstacles and can be together.

It'll be perfect. It's gonna be amazing.

Here you go. Look who stepped up for his wife.

Whoa, everyone in your office made a pledge.

Oh, and look, there's even one from Holden McGroin.

Yeah, that was me. Hilarious.

[ALL CHUCKLE] Well, that's great.

And you didn't think they were generous.

All of them came through. Thank them for me.

Well, except for Holden McGroin.

He went away for the weekend.

I know. His wife, Pat.

[CHUCKLES]

Pat McGroin. Pat McGroin.

How'd you get those people to pledge?

Did you apologize for your big speech?

No, I just signed everybody up myself.

What happens when it's time to collect?

I'll just pay the 150 bucks myself.

Um, Mr. Bingham?

Yes, guy who looks like a math TA

at every college ever.

These pledges are per kilometer

which means that when Mrs. Bingham completes her 10K

you'll, in fact, owe $1500. Ooh.

[WHISTLES]

Guess it's not surprising how fast I calculated that.

I'll take care of this. This is a man's work.

Gotta get the old Jaws of Life to pry open that checkbook.

Unless Audrey never makes it to the race.

Ah.

I think Jeff's gonna kill Audrey.

[**]

[**]

Hey, Timmy, I want you to make reservations for me

at a romantic restaurant for the next several weeks.

Oh, I'm so glad to see that you and Mr. Rhodes

are taking it to the next level.

It's not for us. I want to be ready when Heather comes back.

Oh, you know what? Let's make it a Nova Scotian restaurant.

Sir, you're making a big mistake.

Uh, he might be right.

After being up there, Nova Scotian cuisine

may be the last thing she wants.

Ah, good call. Smart. Thank you, thank you.

Let's just take a step back, shall we?

You just called Mr. Rhodes smart.

That's not a red flag that your judgment be impaired?

Listen, I'm on Team Adam here.

I think Heather and I were made for each other.

I was hoping you would come to your senses

but you leave me no choice.

Heather's Facebook page.

Her profile says she's in a relationship

and her status says she's at this New York City restaurant

with this very handsome man at this very moment.

Do you know what this means?

I do.

She's back in town, dude.

And she's at McSweeney's with one of her gay buddies.

And she's listed us as being in a relationship.

I'm gonna go surprise her. That is a great idea.

Come with me. I'm coming.

[**]

AUDREY: Jeff, I need to get up early for the fun run.

Can you set the alarm for 6:15?

Already did.

Hey, you know what you got to do before a big race?

Hydrate. Good idea.

Finish it.

Attagirl.

[CHUCKLES]

You know,

just to be on the safe side

I'm gonna take one of these.

Take one of what?

Your sleeping pills.

Oh, I-- I wouldn't.

I already did. Oh.

This way, I'll be good and rested for the race.

See you tomorrow.

Or the next day.

[**]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Sir, stop.

What are you doing here?

I can't let you go through with this.

Oh, I know what's going on.

You're worried that if I get in a serious relationship

it's gonna hurt the friendship we have.

Do you have a backup guess?

I implore you to think back.

Heather has said and done constitutes a classic blow-off.

Oh, shoot.

I've got to run into the office.

She was about to call me,

but then she had to rush up

and visit her sick aunt in Nova Scotia.

I just called Heather and a woman who sounds just like her

answered and said she found Heather's phone.

I'm very sorry, sir.

Don't feel sorry for me.

She's the one stuck up with no phone.

These are all evasive maneuvers that you have used on women.

Heather's using the technique that you refer to as

the old hump and dump.

I think I've been Russelled.

You know, on some level, I think I knew

but I liked her so much, I didn't want to believe it.

We've all been there, sir.

You got dumped by that four-eyed javelin from Accounting.

You were right. I guess I owe you--

HEATHER: Russell?

I'm so glad you're here.

You are? Of course.

I thought you were going to--

To Nova Scotia. I was.

I didn't have to because my sick aunt got better.

Oh, well, that's great.

And I wanted to call you but I lost my phone.

I was so upset, my friend Gordon took me out for a drink.

Hi.

His boyfriend's out of town. So it's just us girls.

How did you know to come here? Your Facebook page.

Oh, is it okay I said we were in a relationship?

Is that dress red?

Look, you two don't need me chaperoning.

Gordon out. As if it wasn't obvious.

[CHUCKLES]

Um, I'll come over in one second, all right?

Wow, I guess it's me who owes you an apology.

Shh, shh, shh.

Timmy, I just hope one day you won't be so cynical

and you can open your heart to romance.

[RUSSELL WHISTLING]

Hello.

Oh, my gosh.

[WHISPERS] These are beautiful.

[INAUDIBLE]

[**]

Aud.

Aud.

[SNORING]

[GASPS]

[THE KINKS' "SLEEPWALKER" PLAYING]

* Everybody got problems, buddy I got mine *

* When midnight comes around I start to lose my mind *

* When the sun puts out The light *

* I join the creatures Of the night *

* Oh, yeah

* I'm a sleepwalker *

* I'm a night stalker *

* I'm a street walker *

* I'm a night hawker *

* Everybody got secrets That they wanna hide *

* When midnight comes along I take a look inside *

* Don't go talkin' In your sleep *

* I might come in for a peep

* Oh, yeah

* I'm a sleepwalker *

[**]

So you slept through the fun run?

Can you believe it?

Right through my alarm.

But I had the weirdest dream that I did run it.

It was so real.

But not real enough to collect money from my coworkers.

Well, anyways, the gang at the office will be bummed.

They live to give.

[LAUGHS]

Well, tell them not to worry.

I wrote a check to cover all their pledges.

Did you, now? Yeah.

For, uh, all 1500?

Yeah. Because I overslept, the charity shouldn't suffer.

I'm gonna go mail this.

You're silently resenting her right now, aren't you?

I am.

[**]

[**]

[SIGHS]

Good morning, Heather.

I have a feeling that every morning with you

will be a good one.

[GRUNTS]

HEATHER: Russell, sorry I had to sneak out

but my National Guard unit

was called into duty this morning.

I can't tell you where I'll be or when I'll be back

but I'll give you a call when I return.

[**]

[**]