Original subtitles

[**]

We know letting someone out of their lease

is not standard business procedure.

But given our situation--

Our situation is that my wife here is crazy.

Jeff, would you please-- Ah, ah, ah.

See, she had an Oprah "Ah-ha" moment.

[SHUDDERING]

Oprah.

The thing is, Audrey quit her job

and then she thought that she wanted to sell cookies.

[LAUGHS]

We ended up leasing a store we don't need.

Uh, okay, first of all, hello, from under the bus.

And you are the one who rented this place.

I was trying to be a supportive husband.

Now put a sock in it.

Look, you can see what I'm up against here.

Down to one income, it's a tough time.

It's a tough time for me too.

I'll tell you what,

I'll flip a coin, we'll see who loses.

You do.

But lease says I've gotta clean the place

so I'll give you a break on the rent if you do it.

I'll flip the coin to see if I help you clean up.

No.

[**]

And so now I'm on the hook

for a three-month lease on the store.

Just more stress that I don't need.

Hey, maybe you can sublet it to these Chinese acrobat girls.

They don't need a lot of space, because they just fold up.

Your mom had to be high when she nursed you.

She says no.

Anyway, I get a break on the rent

if I clean the place myself

but it's a total mess.

What are you doing today?

Oh, I've got big plans to not help you clean.

Can you push that to another day?

Howdy, doody.

Whoo!

So I'm seeing this French chick, Margaux, right?

She's an exchange student-- From France?

She was definitely high.

So she's getting her master's in thinky-think.

But she's so refined and cultured

I'm having trouble getting her into le sack.

So she's French, yet won't surrender.

Yeah, it'll be a lot of work, but worth it.

You know, classy girls are like turtles.

They're rarely on their backs

but once it happens

they're there for a good, long time.

Oh, if she's a grad student she must have read Tom Sawyer.

Did you ever read Tom Sawyer?

No.

You know the part about Tom whitewashing the fence?

No. Oh, my God.

It's, like, the greatest story ever.

I gotta go.

No, wait, hold on. Tell me, I want to hear it.

Okay, walk with me to the store. Oh!

Good afternoon. Whatever.

Sir, I was wondering if I might sneak out of work

a tad early this evening?

You don't have to sneak, I won't be there.

Splendid.

Because, uh, tonight I was going to take Allison out.

What's with you guys?

You're always taking her places, doing things.

It's called dating, sir.

It's where one gives money to a restaurant or theater

as opposed to merely leaving it on the woman's dresser.

I've heard of it.

So where are you going?

We're gonna see Thannhauser Collection at Guggenheim.

Funny words.

Oh, how about this?

Margaux and I will double with you and Allison

and we'll all go to the booger-hammer.

It's the Guggenheim and...

Oh, I'd love to, sir, but, um, we have other plans.

What are you talking about?

You just said that's what you're doing.

It was worth a shot.

However, um, I'm not sure our plans

are exactly your cup of tea, sir.

Well, that's true,

but they're Margaux's cup of tea.

She's French and highly cultured,

and I really wanna crème her brûlée.

Huh.

Well, sir, I'm flattered.

You'd like to piggy-back off of my refinement.

Sure, whatever gets me in the Google-hummer.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say I love you *

* How many ways To say that I'm not scared *

* With you by my side There is no denying *

* I can't wait For me and you *

[**]

And that is how Tom Sawyer tricked the other boys

into painting the fence for him.

Man, they were gullible.

Clever how Tom convinced them that work was fun.

Hey, I'm gonna go roll those chairs over by the wall.

No, I wanna.

I can't believe that I have to pay rent

on this useless crap shack!

Down to one income, I'm working all the time.

Yeah, there you go. You know, it's not healthy

to keep that all bottled up, man.

Let it out. Hit something.

Oh, thanks buddy. Face or gut? No. No. Not me.

Here, use this.

No, still not me. God.

You feel better?

Yeah.

Hey, think fast.

[AC/DC'S "BACK IN BLACK" PLAYING]

* Back in black

* I hit the sack

* I've been too long *

* I'm glad to be back *

* Yes, I'm let loose *

* From the noose

* That's kept me Hanging about *

* I keep looking at the sky 'Cause it's getting me high *

* Forget the hearse 'Cause I'll never die *

* I got nine lives Cat's eyes *

Come on.

Goal!

No goal! It went out of bounds first.

This a ruling for the commissioner

of mannequin head ball.

I'll allow it.

Well, I say no goal.

I am the president of mannequin head ball.

Who do you report to?

The commissioner. Okay, then.

[MELLOW PIANO PLAYING]

What a wonderful exhibit.

Oh, I know. How about all that art, huh?

It was all over the walls and stuff.

Oh, the Picasso, and the Rubens.

Oh, they have those here?

You're funny.

Allison and I favored

the Italian futurists.

Mm. They are good.

This might be the wine talking

but I think I'd like another glass of wine.

Ah, uh-huh. That's an excellent idea.

I'm sure Margaux here can attest

to wine's health benefits. Oui, oui.

Yes, it does make you do that.

What a lovely evening.

Yes, it certainly is.

A most lovely evening.

Sir, a bottle of your finest bubbles.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Russell, are all your friends so sophisticated?

Oh, my God, yes.

[**]

Oh, dude, no farting.

I'll allow it.

[TIMER BEEPING]

Okay, okay. It's halftime. Halftime.

Man, this is the greatest game ever.

I know. It's already better than soccer.

Oh, whoa.

I told Jen I'd be home by now.

I told Audrey I'd be back for movie night.

That's too bad, this is the best.

For the first time I'm not all stressed out.

Now is not the time to go home

and watch some damn Tilda Swinton movie.

Which is why it's too bad we both have to work late.

Ah. You gotta go back to the office?

You....

You don't get things, do you? Not usually.

I'm saying that's what we tell the girls.

Oh.

That's why you're the commissioner.

Head in play.

This is the security camera feed for the store?

The landlord sent me a link.

I logged on to see if Jeff had cleaned the place

and I found this.

And they have no idea we can see them?

Do they look like people who know they're being watched?

For the first time in weeks he's not working late.

Instead of coming home, he does this.

JENNIFER: Is that a mannequin head they're hitting?

God, I hope so.

[**]

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Well, well, well. Look at both of us, working it.

It, of course, being our mojo.

Spritz, please.

One for the Jersey side.

It's going well.

By showing Frenchie I'm a man of culture

I'll see Paris, France, and her underpants.

Ha. Artfully said, sir.

Your presence has not affected Allison in negative way at all.

In fact, she is showing distinct signs of friskiness.

I'm happy to have foamed down the runway for you.

That you did.

A little gay.

[**]

Look what I did.

Wow. In hi-def the stupidity just leaps off the screen.

It's kind of like watching a nature documentary.

Yeah, about apes.

In their crude game

the smaller primate seems to have bested the silverback.

Causing him to retaliate.

Ooh. The smaller one cowers

and presents his bottom

as a sign of submission.

Ooh. Let's see what happens

when outside stimulus

is introduced to their environment.

JEFF [OVER PHONE]: Hey, Aud.

Hey, it's almost 8:00.

You gonna make it home for movie night?

Oh. I wish I could but I'm stuck at work again.

Really?

Because I called you at work. It went straight to voicemail.

I'm in the conference room. It's closer to the can.

The silverback is a skilled liar.

Uh, okay. Well, I hope I see you soon.

It's probably gonna be a few hours. Will you quit it?

AUDREY: Is someone there with you?

No, I was talking to you.

Quit it, Audrey, quit keeping me from my working.

Back at it. Okay, bye.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

He's such a good liar, he took all the fun out of it.

Well,

we know who's gonna put the fun back in it.

[PHONE RINGING]

No.

Give it to me.

Don't worry, I got this.

Hey, Jen.

I got stuck in the subway between stations.

There's no reception, I can't hear you.

Oh, so you can't hear me at all?

I can't hear you at all.

Oh. Uh....

The subway snake!

[LAUGHING]

Lying sacks. You know what?

I'm recording this

so I can rub it in Jeff's face when he gets home later.

Subway snakes.

I'm gonna have my tubes tied.

[**]

I just feel lucky that I found someone

who shares my thirst for culture.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Mm.

Oh.

What is it? You take my breath away.

It must be the champagne.

Oh, I think it's more than just the champagne.

Excuse me, I need to use the ladies room.

Oh. I'll join you.

Don't be long.

Do hurry back.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[GROANS]

Ah!

Ow!

Timmy, my back, I can't get up.

You look like a turtle.

Ironic!

[**]

The show ended a while ago so the guys should be home soon.

They could have been delayed by the subway snakes.

Have you decided how you're going to bust Jeff?

I have. I'm gonna ask him to tell me all about work

effectively handing him a shovel,

with which to dig his own grave.

Then as he stands on the precipice of said grave

I am going to press play and enjoy the thud.

I'm just gonna hide Adam's hair gel.

[LAUGHS] [DOORKNOB RATTLING]

Oh, the apes return to their nesting grounds.

Look at you guys, you're both so sweaty.

It's from doing separate activities

in different parts of the city.

Well, it's late. You guys must be hungry.

I'll warm up some dinner but in the meantime, banana?

Ooh. Ah.

That's a nice treat, isn't it?

Come on, Adam, let's go home.

Yeah, I should shower. This sweat is making me itchy.

It's a shame you had to work late again.

Someone's gotta bring home the bacon.

Yeah.

So, what did you do at work tonight?

Oh, I had to clean up some accounts,

check out some foreign markets.

Diversification. A lot of stock stuff.

Yeah? Dow, NASDAQ.

Well, I had an interesting evening too,

and, uh, I'd like to share it with you.

Oh, okay. But, hey. What?

I know that I've been stressed about work and everything lately

and I've probably been taking it out on you. So I'm sorry.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, thanks. I appreciate that.

I got to work through some stuff today and know what,

I'm feeling a lot better.

Well,

that's great.

Let's just be in this together. All right?

I mean, I was dumb for thinking I could sell cookies

and you were dumb for renting the store.

There's plenty of dumb to go around here.

And, um....

And anyway, what did you want to show me?

No, it's not important. It never is.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. All right, look.

If you need to work late, if that makes you feel better

I'm okay with it. I'm good here.

Jen and I, uh, found a new show to watch, actually.

It's a nature thing.

It's one of those deals

where dumb animals do stupid things?

Pretty much.

I'll warm up your dinner.

I'm gonna finish my banana.

[**]

Given our legs were in a tangle

and we'd all had a lot to drink

it was an understandable mistake.

Now you know and we can all move on.

Dude, we held hands. They're not moving on for years.

I mean, it was just a matter of time for you two.

All the tension, the need for release.

ADAM: Mm.

Stop it, don't touch me. I don't want to be touched.

That's not what he said.

What on earth are you doing?

I'm trying to get on their side.

I don't like it here.

Plus my back is still killing me.

Way to go, slugger.

Oh, you know what,

you both need is a shot of testosterone.

Oh, already getting them.

That's not what I meant.

Adam and I discovered something that might help you gals

erase the memory of last night.

Go, Rusky. Go, go, go.

Oh! Trick shot! Yeah!

Nice work. Yeah. Whew.

Fancy another game, old man?

Oh, you know what, bring it.

I think this is working.

I'm starting to feel more manly already.

Indeed.

I too feel masculinity cascading from stem to stern.

This one's still got a ways to go.

Yeah. Head in play.

This show just keeps getting better.

I like the way they added new characters to keep it fresh.

Go, go! Come on!

Ow! My back, I can't move.

What are you doing? Ah, ah!

Stop the game. He's mounting me. Ah, ah!

I'll allow it!

Ow, my back!

I can't move!

Did not see that coming.

[**]

[**]

[NO AUDIO]

Uh-oh.

Ooh, I think they're onto us.

[**]

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