Original subtitles

Uh, yes, I had a few questions about tonight's adoption fair.

And here's a question, will there be food?

Heh, how late will it be going?

Uh, the adoption fair is from 6 to 10.

Great. Thank you. Dinner hours.

There's gotta be food, right?

[SIGHS] Uh, my hus--

A guy here wants to know if there's going to be any food.

Thank you. No food.

Oh, lot of nerve calling it a fair

when they're not offering some sort of meat-on-a-stick.

Try not to...

Jeff it up too much tonight, please.

If we get serious about adopting,

we'll need these people to like us.

If they can't like me for who I am,

then I'm not gonna buy one of their used babies.

Just don't completely embarrass us.

I'll find an appropriate level.

Good. Now, let's finish talking about replacing this rug.

I thought we finished last night

when I said no and then fell asleep.

Yeah, I know it's shocking,

but your fake cartoon snoring didn't fool me.

It wasn't fake, it was classic Three Stooges.

I don't want a new rug.

I put a lot of time and effort into breaking in this one.

You tried that argument with all your old underwear.

Come on, admit it, don't you like your new underwear?

Nestles in there sometimes, but....

This rug is fine. It works. Watch. See?

My feet aren't touching the wood floor.

Hey, way to go, rug.

You know, you get to live in a beautiful apartment,

because I take it upon myself to make it beautiful.

Like what I did with the guest room

and how I design the kitchen,

and I think a new rug will make this whole room

feel a lot fresher and--

[SNORING]

Mi, mi, mi.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say I love you *

* How many ways To say that I'm not scared *

* With you by my side There is no denying *

* I can't wait for me and you *

[***]

All right, so maybe at lunch today

we'll do a little carpet shopping.

Carpet shopping?

What, did you get a little carried away

with the waxing this morning?

I wish.

No!

God, sorry to disappoint you, Russell.

And me. You're disappointing.

Disappointing me too. RUSSELL: Ha, ha.

All right, all right, carpets this afternoon

and, uh, the adoption fair tonight.

What about finding a new surrogate?

You mean to replace the old one

that we had and loved,

but then you ruined her for us

by having sex with her?

Jeez, take it easy, talk about holding a grudge.

It was a week ago.

It was only five business days.

Because she and I did some, uh, business.

Shoo!

You're alone on this one.

RUSSELL: Ah.

Mr. and Mrs. Bingham. Hey, Timmy.

Good morning, sir.

Hey, Timmy, this coffee doesn't taste as good

as the coffee you make at work. Fix it.

Well, in order to do that,

I'd have to bring it into the rest room. Ha.

That's very funny, Chutney Dangerfield. Fix it.

JEFF: Hey, Timmy,

do you know anybody who can get us a quality rug

at well below quality prices?

Oh, I see.

So because I'm of Indian descent

I must have a friend or a relative

who's a carpet merchant. Is that it?

Well, do you?

Yes.

[***]

A little more, and there.

Oh, my God, I love this rug.

Thank you. Adam, what do you think?

When I lift the couch my guns look huge.

Well, tell Audrey thanks again.

The rug looks perfect.

Yeah, it really ties all your crap together.

[JEFF CLICKS TONGUE]

Um, I'm gonna miss it.

You can come over whenever you want to visit the rug.

You start buying my brand of Scotch

and maybe I will.

He said, hoping they'd buy him

a bottle of thank-you Scotch.

Anyway, I am gonna go pick out

some new pillows and throws to go with the rug.

Is that near a liquor store?

Buy me Scotch.

Anyways, I hope that, uh, you and Jen

have as much fun with this rug as Audrey and I did.

[SIGHS] And we had some fun.

Uh, what do you mean? What fun?

Sex fun.

You used to have sex on this rug?

Yep.

Yeah, in fact, uh, just last night

we threw it a little bone voyage party.

I'll see you, buddy.

Ah!

[***]

No. No.

Who's responsible for this?

I bet it's Voldemort.

Yes, it's Voldemort.

Excuse me, sir? Timmy.

You know I don't like to be disturbed

while I'm reading pornography.

Yes, pornography.

So it won't bother you to know

that Professor Snape kills Dumbledore.

Why would that both--?

Not Dumbledore! Why would you tell me that?

Oh, I don't know, sir. Why would you pants me

during yesterday's staff meeting?

All I know is everybody laughed but you.

Actually, you also know

that Harry marries Ginny Weasley.

No! Why are you telling me these things?

Timmy, take off your belt and call a staff meeting.

I really do wish I had the time, sir,

but I have to take the Binghams carpet shopping.

Oh, bore. Okay, fine, fine.

Uh, now, I've written down some emergency numbers for you.

There's my cell, uh, the police,

your "masseuse".

And the gentleman who waits in the lobby

making everyone uncomfortable

while your "masseuse" completes your "massage."

Enough with the air quotes. I don't need you around,

I'm not a child. Go. Of course not, sir.

I also placed your afternoon juice box on your desk.

Stop making yourself feel so important and beat it.

Gladly. Yeah.

[GRUNTS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CHAIR HISSES]

[GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

Timmy?

Tim?

[SIGHS]

[***]

The brown one is nice,

but, um, can I see the yellow one down here?

Mmm.

May I see the brown one again?

I'd hate to be a Polly Push-along, sir,

but how much longer do you think

Mrs. Bingham will take to decide?

We might die first.

But you've got that whole reincarnation thing,

so you're fine.

Look, Mr. Bingham, I--

How does that work anyways?

Do you, uh, get to pick what animal

you come back as?

Sir, it's actually a deeply personal matter, so...

See, me, I'd go bird. Right?

Or a combo bird-horse.

So I'd get to fly.

And then when I land,

I got a little something for the reincarnated ladies.

Oh, did you ask your uncle about giving me

the "Friend of Timmy" discount?

Oh, Mr. Bingham, do you consider us friends?

Discount friends.

[***]

RUSSELL: I had a great time with you.

Are you kidding?

I would love to see you again.

And by the way, you don't need to bring the massage table,

we're not fooling anybody.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, oh, okay. Yes.

All right, I'll see you soon. Bye, hon.

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

[***]

Hey, babe.

Get the hell off the rug.

What? Why?

It's so plush and soft.

Jen, Jen, Jen, don't.

JEN: Don't what?

Oh, oh.

Three second rule. No!

What the hell's wrong with you?

Okay, listen.

Jeff told me

that he and Audrey used to do it on this rug.

Ah!

No! I know, right?

I mean, no way we're buying him any Scotch.

Ow, they're all over me!

I've gotta go take a shower!

No, don't leave me alone with it!

[***]

[BLOWS AIR]

Oh!

Now!

[SCREAMS]

[GROANS]

Come on. Get.

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

Ah!

[***]

[***]

The yellow one.

Or the brown one. Oh.

Hey, what do you say you crank up this thing

and fly us out of here?

Ah, I'm Aladdin. I certainly had that coming

for bringing you here and getting you a discount.

Jeff, can you get over here and help me?

We gotta make a choice and get to the fair.

Then pick one. It should be both our decisions.

Which one do you like?

Well, this one feels....

Oh, wow!

It's a good thing I'm already bent over.

[SIGHS]

Don't pick by price.

Which one do you like better?

I don't wanna tell you. Well, I want your opinion.

Oh, fine, here we go. Um....

I like the brown one.

Really? Because I like the yellow one.

Let's get the yellow one.

Now I know you like the brown one.

And there you go. See? See?

Fly, Timmy, fly.

[***]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

[WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES]

[***]

All right, that's as clean as it's gonna get.

Okay, well, let's take a look.

[BOTH GROANING]

God, that's disgusting.

It's like Jeff and Audrey's marriage in liquid form.

[GROANS]

And you were rolling around in it.

[GROANS]

Yeah, thanks, I forgot about that.

You know, I still think we might have to get rid of the rug.

Unless we have sex on it.

Hmm. I don't know.

I mean, I've done some dirty things.

Yes, we did.

I mean, there was that truck stop bathroom.

Uh-- I don't remember that.

The locker room floor. The locker room?

The back of that taco truck. Okay, please stop.

Look, if we wanna try to keep this thing,

it's our only chance.

[SIGHS]

Oh!

[GROANING]

This is gonna be worse than that time

we did it in the parking structure.

Still not me.

[***]

Oh, wow, this is great!

They have information on adopting

from countries all over the world.

It's like the international food court at the mall,

but with babies instead of gorditas.

[CHUCKLES]

Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Bingham, hi.

I'm Tom Wrigley, director of the program.

Feel free to ask me any questions you may have.

Oh, thank you so much. Oh, I got a question.

Should we tell him that there's a dead raccoon on his head?

When he turned around I expected to see a tail.

[CHUCKLES] Okay, no more of that.

That guy is very important. Right?

If we decide to adopt, all starts with him.

Okay.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

What did you just eat?

Uh, mini egg roll.

They had a bunch at the, uh, bar mitzvah next door.

They're really doing it up for Seth.

You said you wouldn't embarrass us.

No, I said I'd try. And I planned on eating before,

but you took so long at the rug store

we didn't have time.

I only took so long because I got no help from you.

Why expect my husband to participate

in a decision that affects us both?

Hey, I participate when I care.

And like I told you before, I don't care.

Then why say you wanted a brown one?

Because you forced me to choose. But to be honest,

it can be brown, yellow, whatever.

Get a black one for all I care.

I don't know how you can be so blasé.

We're gonna have to live with it for years.

Hey, I was fine with the old one,

but you had to give it away.

Couldn't even let me sell it.

I beg your pardon.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Huh? Excuse me?

Adopting a child is a serious decision.

And you don't sound like the kind of people

who should be legally allowed to do so.

I should call Social Services. What?

Oh, you thought we were talking about babies.

No, no, no, we were not talking about a baby.

We were talking about a rug. Not a baby, a rug.

Not-- Not your rug. Not that you have a rug.

I mean, that very well could be your own hair,

which is entirely possible,

and if it's not it's totally undetectable.

Isn't that right, Jeff?

We're sorry to have wasted your time.

Let's go, honey.

Oh, I've never been so humiliated.

Oh, sure you have.

[***]

[WHISTLES]

Wee!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you on your balcony tanning topless?

Yeah, way to put the melon in melanoma.

Yeah.

[GROANS]

[CLATTERING]

Mr. Dunbar, are you all right, sir?

Oh, Timmy, I'm so glad you're here.

Can you hand me those binoculars?

[TIMMY GROANS]

Yeah.

Oh! Got them.

All good. Got them. Thank you.

[GROANS]

Whoo!

What on Earth happened here, sir?

Oh, I had a little, uh, trouble adjusting my chair.

Is this chick waving at me?

Was there a fire here, sir?

Timmy, you seem a little bit flustered, all right?

This will perk you up.

Take a look at this lady's ga-gas.

[CHUCKLES]

I don't wish to violate the privacy

of some poor innocent woman

by ogling her through binoculars.

Gay guy say what?

Sir, this place is an absolute disaster.

You realize that, don't you?

And here you were earlier, mocking me

for implying that you needed me.

All right, I'll say it.

I need you.

[INHALES]

Thank you.

To clean all this up.

Gotta go!

[***]

[SIGHS]

That was rough.

Yeah. Yeah, we were both struggling pretty hard

not to be on the bottom.

You know what?

I am looking at this rug

and I am thinking of what we did,

not of them.

Yeah? Yeah.

Let me try.

Yeah. Yeah.

I really feel like we made it ours.

Yeah. And, honey, some day

someone is gonna be sucking gallons

of our sludge off of that.

Aw! [CHUCKLES]

I'm gonna go get ready for bed.

Okay.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[SIGHS]

Hey. Hey.

We, uh, need the rug back.

Why?

Well, Audrey and I couldn't agree on a new one

so roll her up.

Well, you're not gonna want it.

Jen and I just threw it a welcome bone party.

So now every time that you look at this

you're gonna think of us doing it.

Huh.

What you doing? Seeing if I can edit you

out of that picture.

And I can, so roll it up.

Oh. Hey, Jeff.

Hey yourself, you.

[***]

[***]

Good to have you back, old friend.

Looks even better since we got the saps

down the hall to clean it for us.

And, uh, the rug's fine but you know what I'm thinking?

Something annoying?

I'm thinking we should, uh,

reupholster the couch and chairs.

Hey, got it right first guess.

But I'll make you a deal.

You can re-whatever the furniture

if we re-christen the rug right now.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm talking about right here...

a little bit over here...

possibly finishing up right about here.

[SNORING]

Mi, mi, mi.

[***]

[***]