Original subtitles

God, you're gonna be our surrogate.

She's gonna be our surrogate.

I know, I've been here the whole time.

I'm just excited.

I'm excited too. I'll see you guys soon?

Okay. Okay.

Hey there. Russell Dunbar.

Pam Nelson.

I know a Pam Nelson.

She finds me charming and adorable.

Oh, wait, that's you.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Wow.

Has that line ever worked? Heh. We'll see.

No!

Can you believe it?

After all that searching, and she's perfect.

She was perfect when she left our apartment.

Let's go inside.

You know, I was thinking.

Sometimes these things have-- Inside.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

And so Bartholomew Vader

named the device after his daughter, Ella,

which is why we call it the elevator.

Really.

Has nothing to do with the fact that it elevates, huh?

No, in fact,

Bartholomew almost named it after himself,

the Barth Vader.

Well, it was nice talking to you.

Yeah, you too.

So where are you headed?

Oh, really? I'm headed that way too.

Uh, let's share a cab.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oscar, did you see a blond lady

with what looks like a smaller blond lady?

Yes, I just got a cab for them.

Why, why did you do that?

Because they tip me.

If you'd like, I can explain what that means.

Pick up, pick up pick up. Yay, voicemail.

Russell, the woman that you're with

is the surrogate that Audrey and I hired

to carry our child.

Do not touch her. Stay off.

Get off her!

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say, "I love you?" *

* How many ways To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait For me and you *

[***]

[PHONE RINGS]

Russell Dunbar's office.

Oh, hello Mr. Bingham.

What?

Oh, dear.

So you want me to track down my boss

before he pollutes your would-be surrogate.

Just another day at the office for Timmy.

Look, it's important.

Remember that time Russell touched Audrey's french fries?

Imagine if that french fry was gonna carry her child

and instead of touching it, he whips out--

Yes, sir, analogy landed.

I'll find him. Um--

My first stop will be the laser light show at the planetarium.

He's into that? No.

He just finds that the show leaves women disoriented.

He's into that.

Well, see, if he touches Pam,

I'm gonna confuse and disorient his face.

And with that pithy bon mot

from your rapier-like wit, I'm off.

What?

[***]

That is such great news.

We're so happy for you.

Yeah, congrats.

Hey, you know, we might use a surrogate too.

Why would we do that?

Well, with a surrogate, you won't get big and bloated.

And let's be honest,

we all know where the baby comes out.

No, I don't. Where?

Don't make me say it.

Hey, there they are.

Congrats on the surrogate. Thanks.

Where did you just go?

I just ran down the stairs

and then, uh, back up again.

Why? That's great exercise.

It's great exercise.

You have to be in good shape if you're chasing a kid around.

What are you, mind-reader?

Because that's exactly why I was doing it.

You know, running the stairs

could be the answer to my problem.

What problem? Well, the other day I--

My wallet fell out of my back pocket.

You know, and it used to fit all snugly in my pants, but--

My butt's getting smaller.

He's worried he's gonna end up like his dad.

You mean, with a son who tells really dull stories?

No, his dad has just about no rear end at all.

It's lower back straight into legs.

It's almost to the point

where he can't use a conventional chair.

Running the stairs could give me

the rounded, muscular buttocks I want.

That we want.

That's a great story. Let's end this on a high-note.

Congrats again, you guys.

Hey, what do you wanna be for Halloween this year?

Can you believe we're that much closer to being parents?

It's freaky. Give me Pam's number.

I wanna call her. Why?

To thank her for letting us use her innards.

I like your enthusiasm, don't like "innards."

Voicemail. Hey. Give it to me.

Pam, it's Jeff Bingham. We already miss you

and we want to talk to you, so call me back.

For instance, say, you're gonna do some activity,

call me before you do the activity.

Call me.

And Audrey says hey.

What?

I'm excited about having a baby.

God, I--

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this.

[***]

Whoa.

Yeah, it's pretty wild, huh?

I guess they started doing these shows in the mid-'70s,

before I was born.

I'm young.

Yeah, it's hypnotic.

I'm starting to get dizzy and light-headed.

Really? That's wildly unexpected.

Maybe we should get out of here and go somewhere else.

Yeah, okay.

Wow. My neck's a little tight.

Hopefully, the next place we go

doesn't involve me staring up at the ceiling.

No. That'll be your call.

[***]

Come on, Jeff, keep up.

Running the stairs was your idea.

Yeah. This is exactly how I was hoping it would play out.

Keep going.

[CELL PHONE RINGS] I'm getting a call.

It's probably Death letting me know he's on his way.

It's a client. You go, I'll catch up.

Huh, if you can catch up.

If that's a challenge, consider it accepted.

What a nightmare.

Timmy, what's up? You find Russell?

No. But thanks to the second-hand smoke,

I have found a tasty buzz.

Come on, Timmy, you gotta keep it together.

What's your next move?

We needed someone to stake out Mr. Dunbar's apartment

in case he brings Pam there. So I asked Jennifer.

Not Adam?

Uh, I tried, but he said he was busy.

Oh, hey, buddy.

It's time to start working my ass. Whoo!

That's too bad.

He could have made a valuable member of the team.

I'm off to the hot-dog place on 72nd Street.

Russell takes girls out for a wiener.

That's real subtle.

No, but if I don't get a chili cheese dog soon

it will assuredly harsh my mellow.

[***]

All right, Timmy, I'm in the hallway.

Excellent.

Excellent hot dogs.

[GROANS]

So this is the place where hope and dignity go to die.

Jennifer, I knew you'd come around.

But I need about 20 minutes to reload.

Please tell me you weren't just with a woman named Pam.

Let me think.

"Oh, Pam, oh, Pam, do it, Pam."

Yeah, it was Pam.

Wait, how did you know that?

I only tweeted it, like, five minutes ago.

@RussellDunbar, you follow me.

PAM: Russell?

Yeah, babe?

Is it all right if I take a quick shower?

Sure, babe.

Don't you need to go start the hidden shower cam?

No. It's motion activated.

You have no idea what you've just done.

All I've done is done made myself pretty tired.

Yay!

JENNIFER: Oh, no! Oh.

Jennifer, what's wrong?

You saw what?

Oh, my....

[***]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Hey, Timmy, what's up?

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Okay.

No pain, no gain, old man.

Oh, no! Oh!

[***]

[***]

Where's Russell? Mr. Bingham, yes. Ah.

Hi there, I'm so sorry,

but Mr. Dunbar is not available right now.

You're more than welcome to leave a message

but I'm afraid you can't go in there,

so, uh, heh...

Mr. Bingham is here to see you, sir.

Thank you, Timmy.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You defiled our surrogate.

I ought to smack that spray tan right off of you.

Won't work, I got burnt sienna, guaranteed for five days.

Timmy, get back in here.

TIMMY [OVER INTERCOM]: No.

Listen. Dude, I'm sorry, but it's not my fault.

When Jen told me who she was, I felt horrible.

And I only had sex with her again because,

you know, I wanted to have sex with her again.

You've ruined her for us.

Really? Is the thought of her being with me that disgusting?

Absolutely. TIMMY: I agree.

I'm not that bad of a guy, despite all your joking.

Am I laughing?

Hard to tell, your face doesn't move a lot.

No, no.

Audrey's gonna hate this even more than I do.

Oh, yeah, she's not a fan of mine.

That's why you don't tell her a thing.

No, that's not how we're gonna play this.

You're gonna come over and you're gonna tell her.

TIMMY: Dun-dun-dun.

How do you turn this damn thing off?

TIMMY: It's the blue button, sir.

Ha, just kidding, it's the red one.

I can't tell Audrey, dude, she'll kill me.

No, no, Pam's gonna be around, she'll see you.

It's better Audrey find out now than after I've paid her.

Or even worse,

after she's all goofed up with our baby stuff.

Aah!

Dude, I'm sorry.

I feel for you, buddy, but I'm not telling Audrey.

And you can't make me.

Timmy, I'm gonna step out for a bit. Hold my calls.

Yes, sir.

[***]

Oh, she's not here. Okay, cool.

Well, later, Lurch.

Hey, Jeff-- Oof. Oh, why is that here?

He's here for a reason. He has something to tell you.

Russell?

Hey, Aud. Um...

We were just cruising around the neighborhood and, um...

Like, uh, I hooked up with, uh, that surrogate

and it won't happen again and I'm sorry.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, that's really good.

That was very good.

You guys almost had me. [LAUGHS]

The look on your face was priceless.

Truly classic. Gotta go.

Russell.

Be a man. No.

Audrey, I actually did have sex with Pam.

I'm speechless.

So this is what it takes.

I swear, I didn't know she was your surrogate.

I just met her, like normal, and then I asked her out.

And then we went to my house and then the usual. Twice.

I knew it, I knew it. It was too perfect.

I knew something had to go wrong.

I just didn't know how horribly, horribly wrong.

Okay, we have fun. We do.

But seriously, what's so bad about me?

You're sleazy, indiscriminate,

deceitful, shallow, lustful

and you shame both women and yourself.

Some chicks go for that.

I can't believe this. We can't use Pam now.

Why not? She slept with you.

So obviously she drinks too much.

She had one glass of wine.

Oh, so she does drugs.

She didn't do any drugs. None that she knew of.

I didn't slip her--

I'm starting to question how you see me.

You can go now.

No. I won't be going.

I've been disrespected.

And I'm not leaving here till I get an apology.

How about that?

Ow!

[DOOR CLOSES]

Apology accepted.

How's the ass-blasting going?

You tell me.

[***]

So, what are you thinking?

Well, on the one hand,

am I angry about what Russell did?

You betcha.

Did I fantasize about getting revenge? Sure did.

Did I go online and look up poisons

that can't be detected in an autopsy?

Who wouldn't?

You could just feed him your meatloaf.

But despite what happened

I still think Pam would make a great surrogate.

Logically, that hasn't changed. Right.

But what do you think? I'm the one doing all the talking.

It's been that way since the wedding.

What the hell is wrong with you? I'm sorry.

I'm not thrilled about what happened either.

But I remember how relieved we were when we found Pam.

Yes, I remember that too.

So, this is where I stand: I just want you to be happy.

I want us to be happy.

You know what? Let's keep Pam.

Yeah? Yes, yes.

We are too big and powerful

to let Russell have any effect on us.

That's right, we're huge.

He's nothing.

We're not gonna let him ruin this for us.

No, we are not.

In fact, I am going to transfer

the fee to Pam right now.

Good.

By hitting this button right here.

Which will remove a large sum of money from our account

and send it to hers.

Do it. I will.

Because you are positive that you're okay with her.

I am. You don't have to worry.

Go ahead, do it.

It's done. [SIGHS]

Good. And you know what?

Now that all of this is behind us

I feel even more positive about Pam than I did before.

Well, I'm glad to hear that. Yeah.

Now, it's actually done.

Push. Push.

Push! Push!

Push! Push!

[GASPS]

[CRYING]

Hey. He's good and hungry.

Uh-uh, Mama, no bottle.

I want the real thing.

Now whip them puppies out.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, Jeff. Wake up, wake up.

I just had the worst dream. Shh, shh.

You'll wake the baby.

Too late. I'm up.

[SCREAMS]

What, what?

We need a new surrogate.

[***]

So anyway, that's why we had to let Pam go.

There is good news. Remember how we used to have

thousands of dollars more than we needed?

I'm sorry, you guys.

Looks like we're back on the market for a surrogate.

What about Jen?

What about Jen for what?

To be their surrogate.

What are you talking about?

We owe them.

They've always done nice stuff for us.

Remember when we left for a week,

they took in our mail for us?

How about we get them a nice bottle of wine?

Yeah, probably be less wear and tear on your rig.

JENNIFER: Here's an idea.

Why don't you think before you talk?

Will do.

Oh, sheesh, I gotta go.

This guy at the gym promised he was gonna go nuts on my ass.

[***]

So you and Audrey are back on the surrogate hunt?

Yeah. Thanks again for that.

You know, if I may,

next time, you go with a real uggo.

You know, make sure she's Russell-proof.

That's an interesting thought. Or how about this:

you go anywhere near our next surrogate

and I pound you until there's nothing

but a red puddle with bad '70s hair.

It's always good to have choices.

Hey. How was the gym?

That guy blast your ass?

No.

Why not?

Turns out we were talking about two different things.

[***]

[***]