All language subtitles for Rules.of.Engagement.S04E02.Snoozin.for.a.Bruisin.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP.5.1.x265-edge2020_track3_[eng]

[ALARM CLOCK BEEPING]

[BEEPING STOPS]

Ah. Ten more minutes. Nice.

[BEEPING]

[BEEPING STOPS]

Ah. Ten more minutes.

[IN FALSETTO]
Sweet.

[ALARM CLOCK BEEPS]

[BEEPING]

[BEEPING]

Rise and shine, lazy.
Let's go.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

* How many ways
To say, "I love you?" *

* How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait
For me and you *

[***]

And I was only 9,

but I knew it was the last time
that I would spend with her.

So I held back my tears

and I took her tiny paw
in my hand

and I said, "Sprinkles--"

[YAWNS]

I said, "Sprinkles,
you are my best--"

[YAWNING]

Really, Audrey?

Sorry.
RUSSELL: Don't apologize.

You said what
we were all thinking.

No, go ahead, Jen.
Finish your story.

She died,
the end, whatever.

No, babe,
it's not your story.

I'm just--
I'm really tired,

thanks to you.
RUSSELL: Yeah?

The old guy managed to crank up
his rig last night?

How would you like
to go meet Sprinkles?

[LAUGHS]
Please continue.

Jeff likes to set the alarm
way before he has to get up,

and then he hits the snooze
over and over.

I can never get back to sleep.
It's great when I wake up

and realize I got
10 more minutes.

It's not a great feeling.

It happened to me three times
during her story.

Smell you later, losers.

When you do that,
I can't get back to sleep.

Can't you set the alarm for when
you actually have to get up?

I wouldn't get
the extra bonus sleep.

No, you'd get
the same amount.

Yes, but I wouldn't
know it.

I get that.

Stay out of this.

But I'm supporting you.

Still.

Who controls your alarm?

Well, it varies.
How's that?

We don't have
set sides of the bed.

We sort of
lie down wherever.

What are you,
farm animals?

God, what do you care?

Couples have set sides
of the bed.

Come on,
to each their own, Jeff.

Absolutely not.
Please, walk me through this.

You get ready for bed. You put
your sweats on, whatever...

No, we sleep naked.

I'm sorry, what?

Totally naked.

Except for a pair
of moisturizing gloves.

Oh, do those work?

I don't know. Ask Adam.

Oh, I'm good.

So there's no barrier

between your business

and your bed?

Correct.
So your sheets become

a giant pair of underpants?

What do you care
what we do?

Just stay out of this.

But this is my thing.
JEFF: Whatever.

No sides, no clothes,
no rules.

Basically your bedroom
is Thunderdome.

Thunderdome,
like that movie?

Like, 100 years ago?

Whatever.

Filthy, naked hippies.

Would you leave them alone?

Fine, but you know what?
This isn't over.

How is it not over?

Your burger
is really undercooked.

No, it's fine.

No, babe, it's raw.
Just send it back.

Risk upsetting the waitress?
Adam would never do anything

that would make someone
not like him.

It still happens, though.

[***]

Timmy, get in here.

Yes, sir?

What are all these people
lining up for?

Ooh, is there a concert?
I wanna see it.

Is it food?
I wanna eat it.

Is it an author I don't know
signing some book

I've never heard of?
I gotta get a copy.

Sir, calm down.

Why, are they calming down?

They're waiting to purchase
the latest version

of the newest must-have phone.
Ooh, I must have it.

Very well, I'll put it
on my to-do list.

No, no, no. Go get in line
right now. I want it now.

The phone doesn't go
on sale until tomorrow morning.

While you were mouthing off, two
more people just got in line.

You actually want me to stand
out there overnight?

Well, I'm afraid I can't.
My uncle is in town--

Oh, okay, oh.

No, let me just call Galileo,

tell him he was wrong.

Apparently all the planets
revolve around Timmy.

You should actually be calling
Copernicus, sir,

because it was he
who first postulated--

Stop raping my ears
with your words.

Now let's go get me
that phone.

But-- But--
But, but.

What are butts for?

Butts are for pooping.

That's right.

[***]

I'm just saying, enough with
all these sexy vampire shows.

Am I right,
or am I right?

What are you doing?

I just felt like sleeping
on this side tonight.

You can't. That's my side.
[LAUGHS]

Look, I was thinking,
Adam and Jen are right.

Why do we have
to have sides?

Plus, I get to control
the alarm clock for a change.

You want to be more
like Adam and Jen.

Well, let's sleep naked too.

Let our loose parts
flop all over the place.

I just want to get
a full night's sleep for once.

Our sides of the bed
are locked in.

You throw out the rules,
next thing you know,

it's Thunderdome.

You really need to stop
watching that DVD.

Look, I'm just saying

we don't need
another hero.

[LAUGHS]

Come on. You're the one
who's always saying

you wanna shake things up
in the bedroom.

Yeah, like,
maybe watch some porn

or invite your friend
Sheila over.

Oh, just get in bed.

FYI, Sheila just got engaged.

Oh! Really?

Oh, yeah,
because before that,

it was a possibility.

I know that
you're being sarcastic,

but later, when I relive
that conversation,

you won't be.

There's not even
an indentation here.

Well, there is over here
in Body Hair Canyon.

What, are you molting?

All you got over here
is "Sudok-oh."

You know how I feel
about "Sudok-oh."

Yes, you feel like an idiot
because you don't know

how to pronounce it.
Here.

Skim this fitness
and retain nothing.

The light's hitting it
all funny.

There's a draft over here.

I am much further
from the bathroom.

That's gonna throw off
my timing.

Oh, God.

[LAUGHING]
You are such a baby.

Just go to sleep.

I am looking forward to waking
up rested and refreshed.

[CLATTERING]
AUDREY: What was that?

JEFF:
I just groped the phone
instead of your boob.

AUDREY:
Oh, goody, you found it.

[***]

I love these sexy
vampire shows.

But don't tell Jeff,
because he doesn't like them.

[ELECTRIC GUITAR BLARING
UPSTAIRS]

Oh, my God,
the guy upstairs.

It's, like, the third night
in a row.

I know.
What a bummer, huh?

Gee, I wonder which one of us
is gonna go up to talk to him.

What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, come on,

you're not
gonna confront him.

He's just another uncooked
burger you're willing to eat.

You are wrong. I got this.

I don't care
what he thinks.

The gloves are coming off.

[***]

You think that's bad?

Last weekend,
my boss' kid had a bar mitzvah.

My boss made me write
all the thank-you notes.

My boss doesn't even
know my name.

He just calls me
"Skidmark."

Pfft. Big deal.

My boss walks behind me
and smells my hair.

Then he locks himself
in his office for 20 minutes.

Yeah? Here's a list of things
my boss threw at me

just last week:
his stapler, his sandwich,

my sandwich, and a rock
from his Zen garden.

Oh, and he smells my hair too.

You win.

You have the most awful boss
in New York City.

Excuse me.

If I may.

[***]

[ELECTRIC GUITAR BLARING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Hey, uh, I'm Adam.
I live downstairs.

I'm Frank.
Yeah, the thing is,

your guitar.

What about it?

I mean,
I think you're good.

Dude, you shred.

Thanks. Come on in.

[STRUMMING]
But the thing is,

it might be a little loud.

Oh, man, really?

You're not gonna be one
of those guys?

Okay, here's the deal.

Yeah?

It's not me.

It's my fiancée, you know.

She's trying to watch one of
those romantic vampire shows.

Oh, I hate those.

Yeah, me too.

Doing this for your lady, huh?

Yeah, you get that, right?
Totally.

Women, huh?

Yeah, I feel you, bro.
I'll unplug.

Hey, thanks a lot, man.

No worries, man, I get it.

I've had my share
of psycho girlfriends.

Well, I mean, I really
wouldn't call mine psycho.

At least not to her face.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[SNIFFS]

I smell...lavender?

Oh, yeah, no, I was just...

You know,
punching some candles.

And because Mr. Dunbar's arms
are so short,

guess who had to apply
the ointment for him?

Directly on his--?

Every four hours.

That is absolutely
horrifying.

Now, let me tell you
what my second day was like.

[***]

Huh?

Anyone else's business

you want me all up in?

What did you say to him?

I just got in his face,
laid down the law.

I'm impressed.

You stood up for your lady.

Hell, yeah, I did.

Hm, so do you want
to finish watching

your vampire show,

or maybe...?

Definitely "or maybe."

But my--
My vampire show still--

It's recording, right?

[***]

[ALARM CLOCK BEEPING]

Oh! My God, my eye!

Again, I am really,
really sorry.

Okay, Jeff.

How long do I have to keep
this thing on, doctor?

Just one or two days.

Long enough
for the cornea to heal.

[IN IRISH ACCENT]
And will she still be able
to plunder doubloons?

That's the follow-up
to your big apology?

[NORMAL VOICE]
Take it easy,
Tom Cruise in Valkyrie.

Enough, all right?

My eye hurts
when I roll it.

Oh, take these.

Uh, they're pretty
powerful.

They might
put you to sleep.

Hm. Or Jen can trot out
that dead-cat story again.

Thank you.

JEFF:
You know,
it doesn't look so bad.

Nobody'll notice if you
let me draw an eyeball on it.

Jeff, you're not drawing
an eyeball on it.

You're right. It would probably
scare the parrot.

I'm sorry. I feel bad.

And it's not even my fault.

Wha--?

In what way is your giant,
meaty paw

smacking me in the face
not your fault?

JEFF:
You're the one who wanted
to switch sides.

I didn't wanna hit you
in the face.

It was just force of habit.

All I wanted
was one little thing.

But lookit, I told you it was
a bad idea.

I warned you,
but you just wouldn't listen.

AUDREY:
I know.

I know, I know, I know.

I just should have
known better.

Well, don't beat yourself up.

No, I'll leave that to you.

Boy, those meds
are making you mouthy.

[***]

[***]

Check it out.
I just swiped some Jell-O.

I'm not hungry.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Those painkillers
kick in yet?

How you feeling?
Mm, I feel good.

[CHUCKLES]

Very, very good.

Well, then this is probably
the best time to tell you

that when you went to Cancún,

I reported
your credit card stolen.

That's why
it wouldn't work.

I love pushing it
through my teeth. Watch.

[KNOCKS]

Hi. I'm sorry this is taking
so long, but, Mr. Bingham,

I'm gonna have to come with me
to fill out some paperwork.

What, is this about
the Jell-O?

Hi, Mrs. Bingham,
I'm Wendy.

I'm a social worker.
I wanted to check on you.

[LAUGHS]
Hi, Wendy.

Hi.

Listen, I want you to know
that you are in a safe place.

So if you're comfortable...

Oh, yeah, I'm comfortable.

I'm super comfy.

[LAUGHS]
Good.

And now I wanted to ask
about your injury.

Your husband did this to you,
didn't he?

Oh, yeah.

[LAUGHS]

Big surprise.

Tell me what happened.

Oh, it was my fault.

It is never your fault.

You know, I should've kept
my mouth shut

and stayed on my side
of the bed.

Is that what he told you?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

He's really,
really sorry.

And then he ate my Jell-O.

Well, everything's
going to be okay now.

Ah. How long is Jeff
gonna be gone?

Oh, you don't have to worry
about him anymore.

Mr. Bingham.

Hey, what's up?

You son of a bitch.

You're going to have
to come with us.

Oh, look, I'll pay
for the Jell-O.

[***]

So instead of attending
my own birthday party,

I spent the night explaining
to three adult-film actresses

that none of them got the part
because there really was,

in fact, no movie.

And that sums up
the last six months.

All of that
in six months?

TIMMY:
Yes, Veronica.

Oh, and Secretary's Day?
Not even a card.

Even I got a card.

It said, "Take this
out of petty cash, Skidmark."

Oh, come on.

Are you guys
really buying this?

I'm sorry? You think I've been
making these up all night?

What on Earth would I stand
to gain from doing that?

I don't know. Maybe you just
like the attention.

Yes, that's what I crave:
attention from the gang

in the "who's the biggest
loser?" contest.

Sorry, Veronica, I know you've
got some irons in the fire.

Whatever, dude. No boss could
ever be that bad.

Well, it looks as though
you'll have a chance

to judge for yourself.

Here he comes now.

MAN:
Where, behind that little
blond girl?

No, he is
the little blond girl.

Timmy.

Mr. Dunbar, good day.

How you doing? You okay?
I was worried about you. Here.

Come on,
he brought you coffee.

Give it a minute.
Yeah, this isn't coffee.

This is an empty cup.

I don't want to lose
my place in line

if babu here decides
he needs to take a whiz.

And we're off.

Here's today's to-do list.

Yikes, a little sticky.
Don't ask.

I never do, sir.

And off to the office.

Oh...

You seem a little
emotionally shaken.

[WHISPERING]
Get her number.

I am so sorry
I ever doubted you.

Not at all.

[SNIFFLES]

[***]

[ELECTRIC GUITAR BLARING]

Look, my fiancé read you
the riot act yesterday,

and I know he's not gonna be
happy when he finds out

you're still--

[PLAYING]

And that is an example
of the kind of noise

we don't wanna hear
anymore.

I hope you got that straight,

because I don't wanna
have to come up here--

Dude, she's gone.
Oh, no!

I am so screwed right now.

When she gets angry, I mean,
she's like a raving--

Dude, she's back.

--angel.

She's like
a raving angel.

Hey, baby, let's go.

[***]

[SIGHS]

I know wives everywhere
are sick of hearing this

from their husbands,
and it may sound trite,

but thanks for not
pressing charges.

No problem.

I didn't think it was gonna take
you so long to clear it up,

but I guess you were coming down
from those painkillers, so...

Sure.

[LAUGHS]
That's what it was.

Well, anyway.

Listen, I had a--

I had a lot of time to think
while I was in lockup.

You were in the nurses'
break room.

With a vending machine
that only took exact change,

so it might as well
have been prison.

Look, they fingerprinted me.

Wash that off, please.
I don't wanna wake up

with ink all over my boobs.

Aye, aye, matey.

Anyway, listen, I was thinking
that at the very least

I should, uh, let you choose
which side of the bed you want.

Oh, well,
I'll take my old side.

Better to lose a little sleep
than the other eye.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

I will set the, uh, clock

for the real time
that I have to get up.

Thank you.

So I guess no more acting
like Jen and Adam, huh?

Well, there is one more thing
of theirs

that I would like to try.

Huh?

Welcome to Thunderdome.

On second thought,

take out the other eye.

[***]

So I guess the silver lining is,
uh, free Jell-O.

Nice.

Here's your phone, sir.

Ah.

Oh.

They didn't have it
in red?

[SIGHS]

Timmy, come here.

Yes, sir?

Don't forget your bathroom.

[***]

[***]