Original subtitles

? ?

[door opens]

And coming in at number three on the Arky Rankings:

Symone Champagne.

Aw, I wanted to be number une.

And fresh off discovering Charles Dickens'

first draft of A Christmas Carol,

where Tim is huge,

at number two, it's Bella Torres.

DOREEN: She's been on a hot streak

ever since returning from the dead.

I wouldn't be surprised, if next week,

- she's number one. - C'est n'importe quoi.

DOREEN: And continuing his reign atop the Arky Rankings:

[singsongy] Zane Troy!

Ridicule.

Blanc or rouge?

- Hmm. - [clattering]

Bonjour?

Is someone there?

- [meowing] - [sighs]

It was only le cat.

- [yowls] - Le shitballs!

[grunting]

[meows]

? ?

Hmm.

Okay, I know I can do this.

Whip and yank!

Okay, let's try it again.

Just because I can never become a full arky

doesn't mean I can't become the best assistant arky ever.

Whip and yank!

- [grunting] - [Fleety shrieking]

Ugh! I'm just not getting the hang of this.

What if an actual mannequin attacks me with a banana?

[singsongy] Who likes freshly baked muffins?

- Woo-hoo! - You have to tell me

- how they taste. - Mmm. Rip, they're divine,

as always.

You got to tell me that secret ingredient.

Nuh-uh-uh! A chef never tells.

SWOOPER: Hey, everyone!

Guess who got engaged!

- [cheering] - I was wondering

when you'd pop the question.

Cornelia is one lucky woman.

- Ooh! You shocked me. - Yeah, well,

the human body's a good conductor of electricity.

Now, Rip, there's something I got to ask you.

Will you walk me down the aisle?

Of course I will, my dear friend.

All right! I'm feeling sky-high!

You know what? This is the happiest I've been

- in a long time. - [phone rings]

Well, not everything is perfect.

I still can't do the whip-and-yank.

I'm sure you'll master it soon enough,

if you spent more time practicing

and less time putting on puppet shows using your whip handle.

How dare you say that to Miss Hiss.

- [humming] ? Hiss, hiss, hiss ? - [Rip laughs]

Yes, things are certainly great!

And they're about to get better.

That was the Louvre. They want to hire you for a job.

Well, that's tremendous!

But, wait, isn't Symone Champagne their head arky?

- I guess she's on vacation. - You see, this is why

I always preach the grind set mindset mentality, Swooper.

If you're not on your hustle, someone else will be.

- I'm learning, I'm learning. - [laughs]

Let's do it!

? ?

Avec plaisir.

You got another job!

? ?

And landing at number ten on the Arky Rankings: Rip Digman!

His first appearance on the Top Ten in over a decade.

To us! And my long-awaited return to the Arky Rankings!

May many more RumChatas befall our lips

in the mirthful moons to come.

- All right. - Not to rain on the parade,

but aren't you a little suspicious?

All those museums have in-house arkies.

Why do they keep turning to us with assignments?

Because their arkies were on vacation.

I don't see what the big deal is.

You don't think it's the slightest bit odd

that all of the arkies in the Arky Rankings Top Ten

are on vacation at the same time?

Not all of them. Bella's on there,

and I'm getting coffee with her at 1:59 tomorrow.

I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.

- [beeping] - Bella didn't show up

for our coffee. She must have been kidnapped.

Or killed! Those are the only two options!

I think that's a bit of a leap, but I'm glad

you're lending credence to my theory.

So, someone is disappearing arkies. Who would do that?

It can only be one person: Zane.

He's eliminating anyone who might threaten his place

atop the Arky Rankings.

- Why would he do that? - Oh, my God, Saltine.

Do you not even know how much money you make in endorsements

if you're the number one arky?

We're talking copious skrilla, my dude!

Now let's go confront that bastard.

Rip Digman. Sorry, I'm on my way out the door.

I'm meeting up with my secret society

to watch The Eligible Arkyette.

No problemo. We're just here to see and possibly kill Zane.

- NBD. - No can do. Zane's on vacation.

"Sorry I didn't say goodbye,

"but I'm taking a mental health break.

- Back soon, bruv." - Huh, this seems suspicious.

Do you have the security camera footage

from his last day of work?

Does a bear shit in toilets

I invented specifically for turning bear shit

into fossil fuel?

Follow me.

Put this on. My security cameras record

in high-tech smell-o-vision.

Okay, but you better not show us Skunks: The Movie.

- Mm, mm. - Ugh.

I hate the smell of Zane's signature scent.

It's just a rip-off of my old cologne,

Ketchup Smell by Rip.

- [Zane yells] - [gasping]

SALTINE: Oh, my smell-o-vision goggles!

Zane was kidnapped!

That is what's been happening to all of the top arkies!

[sniffing] Wait, I know that smell.

It's a mix of winged bellflower and mallow bindweed,

unique to one place on Earth.

[door slams]

WOMAN: Good morning, arkies.

Have any of you reconsidered my offer?

No arky on Earth would agree to your demands.

Then the torture shall continue.

For years, you have put relics in museums

to be ogled by mindless museumgoers day in and day out.

- So what? - Yeah.

So now that you yourselves are confined,

how would you like it if a relic were to look at you?

- No! You sick fuck! - [crying, shouting]

I am so proud I thought of this.

RIP: Breathe it in, Saltine.

Recognize that smell?

A mix of winged bellflower

- and mallow bindweed! - Precisely.

Our kidnapper must be around here somewhere.

WOMAN: Rip Digman.

It's been a while since last we met.

Oh! Um, hey, you!

Good to see you again.

[quietly] I have no fucking idea who this is.

Wow, it's been a while, huh?

When was the last time we saw each other?

[quietly] Never seen this creep in my life.

So what's new? [quietly] Bail me out here, Saltine.

I'm basically dying of embarrassment.

Do you remember the last time you were here, Rip Digman?

Christ Figure here! Get your Christ Figures!

Here it is, the Christ Figure!

- [oohing] - Rip, are you in position?

- Affirmative, my true love. - CONFESSOR: Father?

May I begin my confession?

[quietly] Shit, I'm delayed.

Someone actually wants confession.

Well, get rid of them. Fast.

I steal toilet paper from my office.

Okay. Um, you should...

kill yourself?

- We're all clear. - Question. Wasn't this artifact

donated to the Smithsonian

before it "mysteriously" went missing and ended up here?

- Um... - Follow-up question.

Mind if I take it for a spin?

[grunts]

- Ha-ha! - Security!

There's no escape, you fool.

What the...?

We got it! Let's go!

Zane, the shovel!

- Leave no trace! - [whimpers]

You didn't see nothin', kid.

I still don't see why I had to wear this humiliating costume

- just to be the lookout. - Because this was

a high-intensity situation and we needed the comic relief!

Swooper, go!

WOMAN: My mother

ran the gift stand in front of the church.

But after you stole the Christ Figure, we lost everything.

We couldn't even afford a doctor.

Some say my mom died

because she was bitten by a poisonous long-nosed viper.

But I know she died of a broken heart.

Remember this, Mr. Digman?

[gasps] That's the 1997 silver half-dollar

I flipped to that kid I knew I would never see again.

- Well, that kid was... - I wonder who it's gonna be.

- ...me. - [yells]

Before she died, I swore to my mother

that I, Vindita,

would return the Christ Figure to its rightful home.

- It belongs to the Smithsonian. - Ha!

All you arkies are the same.

You love to dig, but you never dig deep enough.

Follow me.

[door buzzes]

RIP: Hey, everyone! Guess who's here

to save you!

- [booing, groaning] - Oh, not this guy!

VINDITA: I kidnapped all the top arkies

and tried to convince them to steal the Christ Figure,

and they all refused.

Because arkies put artifacts

into museums, not take them out.

We swore an oath to Yorbo.

Why not just steal it yourself?

The Smithsonian never even put it on display.

It's hidden away in their ultra-secure storage archives.

So that's why you were kidnapping the top ten arkies.

Okay, somebody explain this whole thing to me.

The Smithsonian allows anyone on the Arky Top Ten

to access their archives for research purposes.

Got it. And "arky," that's short for "archaeologist"?

And now that you are on the Top Ten, Mr. Digman,

you can just waltz into the archives

and retrieve the Christ Figure for me.

- Fine, I will. - No, you can't trust her!

But if I do, you have to promise to let everyone go.

It's a deal. But any funny business

and they all die.

Of old age? JK, JK. I know what you were saying.

It would be so hilarious though if that's what you meant.

Don't you agree?

[chuckles]

?

AUTOMATED VOICE: Arky Top Ten confirmed.

Welcome, Mr. Digman. I understand

you're here today to see the Christ Figure,

one of my favorite pieces in our collection.

Indeed, indeed.

We'd be more than happy to show it to you for research purposes.

Of course, you can't leave the facility with it.

Me? I wouldn't think of it.

The very thought nearly sends me into a tizzy.

ARCHIE: Truly a remarkable piece.

It's made of dilonium crystal,

one of the rarest and most pyroelectric materials on Earth.

Yes. 'Tis wonderful, indeed.

This is certainly helping my research.

And may I ask, what kind of research are you doing?

Uh, copious amounts, to be certain, yeah.

My favorite quantity of research.

You're a man after my own heart.

Yes, yes, this is certainly assisting my research.

I certainly may be examining this

for a good long while, you know?

I'm more than happy to wait.

Indeed, indeed. Hey, what's that over there?!

I can tell by the direction you're pointing

it's our new Etruscan cauldron.

Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah.

So what's over that way?!

In that particular direction, it could be but one thing:

our 14th century Ming vase.

Oh, that's also completely interesting.

Something scary is behind you!

I'm so glad you've noticed our new hannya mask

from the Edo period.

Hey, Saltine. What do you think of my new earring?

It's cool. You look good.

Cornelia gave it to me.

It means so much to me.

Swooper, start the chopper!

- Oh, crap! - Rip, grab the rope ladder!

[yells]

[grunts]

[screaming]

Just take the Christ Figure!

- Whip and yank! Whip and yank! - [whimpers]

[distorted] Saltine!

- Whip and yank! - [breathing heavily]

[grunts]

- Ow! - [screams]

[yells]

- [screaming] - I've got something

you can research.

Human jaw pain!

- [grunts, yelling] - He's free! Take off!

I got the Christ Figure!

Wait a second. Swooper, where's your earring?

I almost don't recognize you without it!

It's gone!

I tore it off with my botched whip-and-yank.

There, there, good buddy. I know it meant so much to you.

I just miss it, you know?

I know I'll feel better someday. I know that.

But I'm so sad right now.

There's nothing I can say that'll make you feel better.

But the world appreciates your sacrifice.

Don't worry. It's all going according to the plan.

[singsongy] Yoo-hoo! We got the Christ figure!

Mr. Digman.

You've played right into the palm of my hand,

which I've been told is abnormally soft and cold.

This figurine is made of dilonium crystals.

That's the rarest and most pyroelectric material on Earth!

And the only thing that can power

my long-range, ultra-destructive laser cannon.

Or as I call it, the History Maker.

[laughing maniacally]

I'm going to incinerate every museum on the planet.

Now throw them in the cell with the others.

But that's cheating!

- You moron! - I told you not to trust her!

And now it's time for my network television debut.

This is the hardest shovel ceremony yet.

[voice breaking] On this journey,

I've developed a deep connection with all of you.

- And us you. - LOU: I wonder

- who she's going to pick. - My money's on Yedward the Yeti.

Hello, world. Sorry to interrupt.

- What is this? - [all clamoring]

For years, museums have stolen artifacts without consequence.

Until now.

As retribution for their crimes,

I am going to destroy every major museum on Earth,

starting with one of the most beloved of all:

the U2 Museum in Dublin, Ireland.

[gasps] In the name of love, why?!

Wow, they got a photo of Bono.

Huh, I've always wondered what he looks like.

[shouting]

No! We just installed an exhibit about the music they make.

And as my refracting satellite continues

to move into position, I'll destroy the rest!

Now back to your show.

By the way, I think Ximena will pick Blueberry.

He treats her like a queen.

I'm sorry, Snerdly Tootbottom.

Can I walk you out?

Oh, poor me.

[sighs, farts]

Okay, look, clearly we all screwed up.

"We"? You're the one that handed her

- the dilonium crystal. - Well, no one stopped me,

even though you all know I'm a people pleaser.

Guys, come on.

We're the greatest arkies in the world.

If we use our collective knowledge of history,

I'm sure we can find a way out.

You're absolutely right, my ex-wife,

for whom I still pine even though you've

made it clear you're not interested.

Okay, now, I believe this church was constructed

during the early fourth century.

During the reign of Constantine the Great.

With semicircular niches in the corners.

- VOICE: Where's my man?! - [banging on door]

What the hell was that?

[shouts]

Cornelia!

- That's Cornelia? - My true love.

Yes! I told her we were coming here.

Are you okay, Swoopy-poo?

I am now that you're here, my little corn pop.

Let's go!

[grunting]

Hyah!

- Stop them! - Hyah, machete!

Hyah, whip and yank!

[gasps]

Take that and that!

Impressive.

I ought to give you a hand.

[grunts]

Let's finish this thing.

You'll have to kill me first.

- Okay. - Fuck!

Hyah, leg sweep-uh!

- [whimpers] - [grunts]

This is so crazy. What's going on?

I feel like we should be asking you that question, Quail.

Why's that, Billy Themet?

The hologram that displayed all the museum targets.

One museum was suspiciously missing: yours.

[all murmuring]

Okay, you caught me.

Yeah, I'm trying to blow up all of your museums.

But why, Quail? You were one of us.

Actually, no, I was faking this entire time.

I've been planning my revenge on all of you

ever since you killed my dad.

You really thought I was okay with that?

- Guess that was pretty mean. - [overlapping chatter]

I met Vindita one day

as I caught her scoping out the Eegan.

After a brief chat, I realized we had similar goals in mind.

So I gave her a laser cannon and financed her entire operation.

You're not gonna get away with this.

[shouting, grunting]

[grunting on TV]

Get off of me!

Look on my knifey and despair!

[shouts]

I knew I should've killed you the first time I saw you.

- When I was a little kid? - A nosy little kid, yeah!

Time to send you back.

[whimpering]

I know what I must do.

Now to finally avenge the death of my mother,

who, as I previously mentioned, died from the bite of-

- A longnose viper! - [Saltine vocalizing]

[shouting]

Saltine, Miss Hiss rescued me!

- Museums are saved! - [cheering]

Your plan failed, Mr. Eegan. You've lost.

Ugh. You just can't trust supervillains these days.

- Oh, well. - [beeping]

AUTOMATED VOICE: Self-destruct sequence

initiated.

Alexa, deactivate self-destruct sequence.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Playing

"Deactivate Self-Destruct Sequence" by the Watingos.

? Oh, baby, baby ?

? Please don't self-destruct ?

? I love you, I guess... ?

Oh, God, this song sucks!

[groaning, overlapping shouting]

[grunting] We can't get out.

How can we defuse this thing?

[echoing] ...defuse this thing?

? ?

Come on, Slowsy!

Faster, Slowsy!

Faster!

I know you've got it in you!

Slowsy, faster!

- [screams] - [distorted yell]

[sniffs]

OFFICER: Bye. Good job, Slowsy.

- [grunting] - What's that, Fleety?

If I connect that red cable to the green one,

it'll reroute the voltage and short out the system,

- disabling the self-destruct? - [grunts]

As usual, thanks for being so fast.

- Here you go. - [sniffs]

Okay, Saltine, you're with me.

Bella, Swooper, you grab the green one.

On it!

[grunting]

- [grunts] - Almost there.

Hey, all this weird death stuff has made me hungry.

Who's up for poke bowls later?

Oh, shit, Vendita's alive!

Die!

- Oh, crap! - It can't reach anymore.

- C'est fini. - We're gonna die.

[timer beeping]

As usual, you're wrong, Zane.

We are not gonna die.

Not all of us anyway.

Rip, what are you doing?

You said it yourself way earlier, Swooper.

The human body is a good conductor of electricity.

There's over 10,000 volts running through that thing.

- Rip, no. - What are you doing, Rip?

That which must be done.

Hyah, save all my friends and colleagues!

[Rip sputtering]

[grunts]

Rip?

[groans] I can't see anything, Saltine.

- Is that you? - Yes, Rip, it's me.

I guess it happens to every arky.

You go from digging up history to becoming it.

I always wanted to say that. Saltine, I'm fading.

Promise me you'll walk Swooper down the aisle.

I will, Rip. I will.

And tell Agatha [coughs] the secret ingredient

in my muffins is flour.

I'll tell her. Of course I will.

Saltine, I officially name you my replacement.

Congratulations. You're a full-blown arky now.

- Shh. Rip, you're delirious. - No, I mean it.

If you don't pass the arky trials,

the only other way to become an arky

is if your boss names you

their replacement on their deathbed.

- Is that true? - It is.

It's true as shit.

You can ask Yorbo. He'll back me up.

Wow. Thank you, Rip.

Oh, and, hey, check it out.

I finally- [coughs]

I finally got Garf's stripes right.

- Pretty good, huh? - It's perfect.

Just remember, Saltine, you don't have to learn

how to whip and yank to be an arky.

You can be your own arky in your own way.

- Thank you, Rip. - Okay. You're welcome.

Hey, can you have Swooper come over here for a sec now?

What is it, boss?

I just told Saltine she doesn't need to learn how to whip,

but that was some horseshit to make her feel better.

You got to make her practice more.

She's so freaking boned if she doesn't learn how to use

her whip, I don't even want to think about it.

- I will. - Okay, good. Thanks, buddy.

She's such trash right now with the whip.

Ooh, hyah,

die.

[birds calling]

Once again, Rip Digman is dead at middle age.

Here is his in memoriam segment.

[jaunty music playing]

So... sorry for trying to destroy all your museums.

I didn't even mention I was gonna kill you guys as well.

Sorry for that, too.

I'll gather my stuff from my cubby and...

Quail, there's no need. You're all right in our book.

- I am? - It was messed up for us to lie

about killing your dad so we could all make more money.

Like, we don't regret it, but we admit

it was sus, so let's call it even.

Besides, we've all tried to destroy

each other's museums at one point or another.

Wow. So I guess we can all move on,

even though none of us have any reason

whatsoever to trust each other.

[laughter]

[jaunty music continues]

- That was beautiful. - Check it out, guys.

I framed Rip's Garf.

What do you think?

- It's great, Saltine. - I love it.

But enough of the distractions.

Time for your whip practice, Saltine.

I know, I know.

Now, where did I leave that thing?

Oh, that's right. It's downstairs.

Great. I'll meet you outside.

["Hazy Shade of Winter" by The Bangles playing]

? See what's become of me ?

There it is.

See you later, Rip.

? ?

? Time, time, time ?

? See what's become of me ?

? While I looked around ?

? For my possibilities ?

? I was so hard to please ?

? Look around ?

? Leaves are brown ?

? And the sky is a hazy ?

? Shade of winter. ?

? MTV. ?

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