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You missed!

You missed this time, you little

menace!

I beat you!

Morning.

Now, honey, you're getting all upset over nothing.

I'm not...

Here, a nice breakfast will cheer you up.

I am not getting upset over...

- What is that? - It's bacon.

I know it's bacon, honey.

What have you done to it?

You said you didn't like all the grease from fried bacon, so I boiled it.

What is Lane doing up at this hour on a Sunday?

Doesn't he turn to dust or something if the sun hits him before noon?

Oh, he has tryouts for the high-school ski team.

He's going up to Mount Brodie with Beth.

Oh, sure, he's going up with Beth.

He can't do anything without that girl.

I tell you, Jenny, that boy is obsessed.

Now, honey...

Obsessed?

Do we not throw things away when they're empty?

Oh.

What in the name of all that's holy...?

Badger likes the prizes you can get from cutting the coupons from the boxes.

He's mailing them today.

Can't you wait until the...?

Lane, a closet door can be closed as well as it can be opened.

- Ooh! Freak. - Sorry, Dad.

Lane, dear, your breakfast is getting cold.

No, thanks, Mom.

I can't have breakfast today, Mom, I got tryouts today.

I got a nervous stomach.

Don't wanna throw up from the chair lift. Had to buy that guy a new hat last time.

Bye, Dad.

Lane, Lane.

Memorandum.

I would like to take a meeting with you tonight

to discuss the future of that vehicle,

which you purchased several months ago,

yet has darkened our driveway,

immobile ever since.

Okay, Dad. Noted.

Talk to you tonight. I gotta go pick up Beth.

Ricky. Ricky, Ricky.

Ricky.

Ricky. Don't be so shy. Come here.

Uh, Monique, this is Ricky.

Ricky, this is Monique.

The French foreign-exchange student who'll be staying with us.

Ah!

It's an awesome spectacle.

An audacious display of seething opponents.

Once again, parallel

in an obstinate attempt to prove superiority of the roads,

unequaled in our lifetime.

The crowds swell with anticipation as the lights turn green.

You stupid bonehead.

- I'm gonna activate your dental... - I'm so sorry.

- You idiot. Get out of this car. - Sorry.

- Get out of this car. - Aah!

If he asks me out, of course I'm gonna go out with him.

I mean, he skis the K-12.

Yeah, he's so boss.

Lane?

Oh, no, I'll tell him after tryouts

because you know how he gets when he gets upset.

Yeah.

From the chair lift.

He had to buy the guy a new hat last time.

Oh, look, Lane's here. I gotta go, okay? I'll call you later. Bye.

I hear he's the only person in Greendale

that's ever skied the K-12 from the glacier and lived.

Man, what a hunk.

Okay, listen up, your running time has to be under 58 seconds

to even be considered for the team.

Your time will be gauged along with a rating of one to ten on your style,

which will be judged solely by me and my vast expertise of skiing technique.

So why don't we have you sorry-looking lot of hopefuls

make your way up the hill?

Now, you, uh, future members of the girls ski team

can all keep me company until it's time for you to take the track.

Who'd like to, um, hold my clipboard?

Oh, you'll make a fine little helper. What's your name?

Charles de Mar.

Shut up, geek.

- What's your name? - Beth.

That's my favorite name.

Buenas dias, Roy Stalin. How you doing?

Hola, Lane Myer.

I can see you and I share, uh, one common desire.

The desire to be a part of the well-oiled machinery

that is the Greendale High School ski racing team.

- The desire for victory. - Well, I...

Right on. Get up there, let's see what you've got.

- Okay, ready up there? - Yeah, we're all set.

What is the next victim's name?

Uh, Myer. Lane Myer.

- Myer? Is that as in Oscar Mayer? - That's a roger, dude.

Beth, you were standing with Oscar.

Is he your, uh, main wiener man?

Don't listen to Stalin, kid.

He's a punk.

Now, you show him, Rock.

You show him how a skier really skis.

Okay, we're sending him down.

Well, that's a roger. Counting down.

Go.

Oh, too bad.

Real close. Next.

Listen, Lane, I think we should talk.

We've been seeing an awful lot of each other lately

and I really think it's in my best interest

if I went out with someone more popular.

Better looking, drives a nicer car.

Six months.

Six months and she just dumps me for him.

For Stalin, just like that.

Six stinking months.

Truly a sight to behold.

A man, beaten.

The once great champ

now a study in mopishness.

- No longer the victory-hungry stallion - All right.

We've raced so many times before.

But a pathetic, washed-up, aged ex-champion.

All right, let's go.

Somebody's gonna see God.

I'm gonna break your goddamn neck.

Get out of the car.

Get... Get out of the car.

Hello, Lane.

- How was your day? - Beth broke up with me.

Oh, heh, that's nice.

We're through. That's it.

What the hell?

Wait a minute here.

Wait, this is death here.

I haven't even been to New York City.

Jesus, I haven't even been anywhere.

Suicide is never the answer, little trooper.

Greendale is a bodaciously small town, Lane.

It's a fly speck on the map.

A rest stop on the way to a ski slope.

I can't even get real drugs here.

Stalin's a hero.

The only one in this town who can ski the K-12.

Now, you're a great skier, Lane, but he's incredible.

What if I ski the K-12?

You think she'd take me back?

Now back to suicide again.

I think we're all going to enjoy this little treat.

I got the recipe from the Ladies' Home Journal.

The mail got wet in the rain, so some of the pages ran together.

But what I couldn't read, I just improvised with my own little creative ideas.

You see, it's got, uh, raisins in it. Heh.

You like raisins.

There is still one more thing I would like to discuss with Lane.

The subject...

...is the mystery car.

Thank you, honey.

Which, even as we speak,

darkens our domain under a moldy tarp.

You do know the car of which I speak?

- Yeah, I just never... - Let me refresh your memory.

Cast your mind back.

It's a crisp September morning.

You borrowed $200 from me to purchase the car.

Mainly because your girlfriend, Beth, said it was... I believe the term was "tasty."

Since then, that tasty car has slept in an auto cocoon on my front lawn.

I'll get around to it.

Lane, have you seen the new exchange student

who's staying at the Smiths' house?

Perhaps you should go over and welcome her to our town.

I think that she would like that.

Mrs. Smith probably got her so that weirdo son of theirs

could see what a real girl looks like.

You know, he never goes outdoors.

Just sits in that house, crochets all day long.

The Chapmans had their exchange student stay with them for six months.

He practically became a son to Jules and Irene.

You mean that kid from El Salvador?

Can I be excused? I'm not feeling well.

I'm just gonna be excused.

I can't figure it out, Badger.

I mean, you seem like a smart kid, why do you waste time with kid-stuff garbage?

You're almost 8.

Okay.

Beth,

it was love at first sight.

Red Dog, Red Dog, 92, 74, 16, 43.

Bring it home, Mama.

Hey, Dan, Dan. Got it. Got it.

- Hi. - Hi.

So, uh, how do you like Greendale?

Fine. Heh-heh-heh.

Uh, and the school system, you find it, uh, adequate?

- School hasn't started yet. - Oh.

She itched her nose.

I wonder if that was some unconscious message to me

that there's something on my nose.

That's funny. He wiped his nose after I did.

I don't like school that much.

Maybe I got some dirt on my nose when I itched it.

God, he's too embarrassed to tell me. I must look sickening.

I don't know.

There she goes again. What could it be? Dirt? Relish? Relish on my nose?

How gross. She might think it's a... Oh, not that.

Oh, no, please. Please don't let it be a booger.

Not now. Please, God.

Oh, man.

I don't get it. How could...?

How could she throw away six months?

I mean, six months?

Just like that?

No explanation, no reason.

Just...

Just throw it away.

Doesn't...

How can you throw away six months when you're in love with someone?

I mean,

six months is just...

I'm history. Just, bam, like that, I'm gone.

She... Probably just testing me.

A big test. That's probably...

That's her.

Johnny.

Four weeks.

Twenty papers, that's $2, plus tip.

Gee, Johnny, I don't have a dime. Sorry.

Didn't ask for a dime.

Two dollars.

Well, ah, it's funny.

See, my mom had to leave early to take my brother to school

and my dad to work, because...

Two dollars, cash.

You see, the problem here is that my little brother, this morning,

he got his arm caught in the microwave.

And, uh, my grandmother dropped acid and she freaked out

and hijacked a school bus full of penguins,

so it's kind of a family crisis, so come back later? Great.

The three cardinal trapezoidal formations

hereto made orientable in our diagram

by connecting the various points H-I-G-K, P-E-G-Q and L-M-N-O,

creating our geometric configurations,

which have no properties, but with location

Are equal to the described triangle, C-A-B, quintuplicated.

Therefore,

it is also the five triangles composing the aforementioned N-I-G-H,

each are equal to the triangle C-A-B in this geometric concept.

Therefore, in a like manner,

the geometric metaphors can derive a repeated vectoral sum.

This was your assignment.

And I would like to see the results.

Please, take them out.

Oops.

- Sophia. - Ooh, ooh!

- And Buster. - Oh, please.

- And Beth. - Please, please, please.

- And... - Oh, please.

Oh, please, please, please.

Mr. Myer.

Please join us at the blackboard and show us your solution

to this paltry geometric dilemma.

Okay.

Oh, sorry.

For God's sakes, Lane, would you relax?

It's just our virginity.

Oh, yeah, I agree, totally.

I feel we should tell someone or do something,

or get my dad's Polaroid or something.

Mm. What was that?

- What was what? - I heard something.

Beth, we're in the most secluded place in the northern hemisphere.

I assure you, we are totally alone.

Come on.

What's wrong?

That thing I put on me?

It broke.

Broke? It broke?

Take it easy, Beth. I'll buy a new one.

I don't want a new one. Do you know what that means?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No, no, no, I'll see you all tomorrow.

Just remember to memorize pages 39 to 110 for tomorrow's lesson.

All right. Cool.

All right.

Lane,

listen.

I've been thinking about what you told me last night

and I've decided I'm gonna help you.

How?

Lane, I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years.

I'm no dummy.

I know high-school girls.

Two things:

One, how about your sax?

I mean, the thing about Roy is, he plays the guitar.

- He does? - Yeah, you know, girls love that.

Why don't you take up your sax again?

Number two?

The K-12, dude.

You make a gnarly run like that and girls will get sterile just looking at you.

Mr. Myer.

Would you stay behind? I'd like a word with you.

We'll do this.

Talk to you later.

Lane?

Yes, sir?

This is a bit awkward.

Yes, sir.

Well,

I've heard a few things and, um...

Well, I was wondering

if you would mind if I took out Beth?

And I love you so much

Because I met you in first grade My sweetheart

Come on.

What'd you go and do that for?

Really, Lane, why?

That's sick.

Sick?

Beth, I love you.

How could you dump me for him?

Face it, Lane. You're a no-show. A loss.

You're immature. You can't do a single thing by yourself.

You're a spastic nervebag all the time.

And besides, Roy can ski the K-12.

How could I enjoy the rest of my high-school existence

with you as a boyfriend?

Any girl in school would be overwhelmed with sweat just to go out with me.

Uh-huh.

- Win. - Hey, good defense.

The place is awful, man.

Ha! Chris Crummins? You haven't got a chance.

She'd go out with me in a second.

Listen, Lane. You forget.

Chris Crummins dates the basketball team.

Not certain members of the team, Lane. The whole team.

You so much as talk to her and you're dead.

So let's just say you give it up?

Yeah, Oscar Mayer. I think that's a fine idea.

I will not give it up, Beth.

You're the one who's gonna be sorry. Someday you'll want me back.

Sorry.

I'm gonna get some milk.

Just one milk.

I'll be okay.

Watch this.

Can I just borrow these?

- Hey, what's the big idea? - Come on. Let me borrow...

Here, just buy yourself another leotard and I'll be back in a minute, okay?

Oh, no, that's it.

Excuse me.

I was thinking, uh, you skate, I skate, we skate.

Uh, maybe we could get together and kind of...

- You're a jerk. - Be a skating team.

- Ow. Chris, I was saying before... - Bye-bye.

- Bye, see you later, guys. - Whoa!

- Lane? - What?

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

Yes, you are.

Oh, buck up, little camper.

We'll beat that slope together.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I'm right behind you, buddy.

Tsk. Man, now, that's a real shame when folks be throwing away

a perfectly good white boy like that.

You know, if I could just get past this first lift,

the rest would be a breeze. I know it. I'm telling you, Charles.

Charles? Charles.

Hold on, wait a minute. Wait one second. I think I'm on to something here.

This is pure snow. It's everywhere.

Have you any idea what the street value of this mountain is?

- Charles. - Wait a minute. Hold it.

Outrageous.

I think I froze the left half of my brain.

Look, I can't move my right arm.

Will you get serious?

Oh, look, dude. It's Christmas Eve.

I could be home right now,

drinking this monster eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.

Now, you've been staring over that edge for hours,

but people die down there.

And dying when you're not really sick is really sick, you know? Really.

Charles, this is very important to me.

I mean, really. I mean, if I don't believe in myself, I'm nothing.

I'll be as bad as my neighbor, Ricky Smith, who sits around crocheting all day

and snorting nasal spray. I gotta do it.

He snorts nasal spray?

You know where I could score some?

- Are you gonna help me or not? - All right, all right. All right.

I'll tell you what to do.

Go that way, really fast.

If something gets in your way, turn.

What a coach.

All right, I'm gonna do it.

All right!

Now, turn!

Hello, Beth. Hey, it's Christmas.

I was thinking maybe, um, me and you could...

No, no. No, we didn't open our presents yet.

You did.

The cutest thing ever.

From Roy.

A giant teddy bear, bigger than you.

Sounds great.

No, it really does sound good.

Look, Beth, I gotta go. The Christmas tree's on fire.

Now, open this one next.

I remembered how much you liked the chocolate nut brownie in this one.

And, look, corn in seasoned sauce. Heh. He likes corn.

Now, come on, Ricky, don't be shy. Give her your present.

Come on, give her your present.

Come on.

That's a Christmas present.

Do you have Christmas in France?

Christmas.

Yeah, it's from Ricky.

You can take that wherever you go

to always remember your trip to the United States.

Why...?

How come you're so small?

Now, everyone is going to be wearing one of these this year.

Honey, what have you done?

Right there.

It's real aardvark fur.

Really?

Wow. Oh, honey, it's sure warm.

Now for the best part. Oh, the hood.

Everybody's gonna be wearing one of these?

Isn't it fun?

- What is it? - I'll show you soon. Almost there.

You'll see it in a second, okay?

- Ready? Okay. - Yeah. Okay.

- Okay. - All right.

Ta-da.

Al, you fixed the windows.

Oh, it's a Christmas miracle.

Wait a minute, Mr. Bear. This is crazy.

I bet we get her back.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

Hi, Badger.

Your book on how to pick up trashy women came today.

Tell me something.

What's a little boy like you doing with big-boy smut like this?

Hi, Lane. I was just wondering...

I mean, I know that we don't even know each other,

but I know that you were going out with that girl, Beth,

and I can see that you're not going out with her anymore

and I was wondering if perhaps I could just be with her,

you know, go to the movies and have soda.

Lane, can I talk to you for a moment, please?

- Yeah. - Come in here and sit down, young man.

Look, Dad. I'm really sorry about the garage door.

Let me give you the bottom line.

I think it would be entirely beneficial

if you were to re-enter the sociological mainstream

by re-engaging in the ritual act of dating members of the opposite sex.

I don't wanna date other girls, Dad. I wanna date Beth.

Well, I'm sorry to inform you that you are gonna start dating other girls.

- Starting tonight. - Oh?

Tonight at 6:00, you're picking up Joanne Greenwald.

- Your law partner's daughter? - That's right.

The one with the big antenna on her face?

Come on, Lane.

Mellow off.

I mean, it's a brand-new year.

There's a New Year's Eve dance at your school.

You kids love this disco thing.

Disco. Come on, Dad.

You are really bringing me over, man.

Six o'clock.

- Right off. - On.

On, right.

All right, Joanne Greenwald, you horrible thing.

Here's your one chance to go out with a real stud.

One night with me and she'll probably go blind with ecstasy, poor creature.

Gee, I hope she doesn't grab on to my leg and start crying when the date's over.

Oh, God. What will you do?

All right, Joanne Greenwald.

Hi, Joanne.

Okay, pal. Let's get something straight.

I don't wanna go out with you.

And I'm just doing this as a favor to my dad, right?

You're happy to be with me, we can go out and have a great...

So let's make it a whole lot easy on ourselves, shall we?

Now, first we would have gone to dinner.

That's 10 bucks apiece, unless you're a cheapskate.

But I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.

- Thanks. - I would have ordered double desserts,

that's $22 altogether.

Tax and tip, 25.

Making it a grand total of $26.37.

Half of which is approximately $13.67.

Now, why don't you just give me that 13.67 and we'll call it a night?

- Do you take checks? - Oh, sure.

Never know If you're the victim or the fool

Only know I can't stop Thinking about you

Love was good And you take it on the run

But I fell too hard I guess I ain't the one

Staring the night away Don't know where you are

Calling out your name This crazy feeling of a one-way love

Oh!

Looking back, you said You were right above

You want a sandwich?

You sure?

I didn't think second to none

Face to face I had no secrets to hide

Well, you sure got my vote for cutest couple.

Better shave her a little closer before you kiss her good night.

Really has your heart

Have you felt the pain

You better...

Of this crazy feeling?

You...

You better shave.

I'd be better off dead Than to live without you

Oh, you... You...

I've been searching every day

Trying to find another way

I'd be better off dead Than to live without you

I'd rather be a fool

I'd be lost with someone new

I'd be better off dead Than to live without you

I've been searching every day

Trying to find another way

I'd be better off dead Than to live without you

I'd rather be a fool

I'd be lost with someone new

I'd be better off dead Than to live without you

I've been searching every day

Trying to find another way

I'd be better off dead Than to live without you

I'd rather be a fool

I'd be lost with someone new

I'd be better off dead Than to live without you

I've been searching

I'd be better off dead Than to live without you

You're the best thing That ever happened to me

I knew right away

I knew right away You've got that...

I felt the heat that came rushing in

When you walked through the door

I wanted more

No, it's okay. I was planning on having my nose

flattened by a professional anyway.

Hi.

You're that French kid staying with the Dorkheads, uh...

Smiths next door.

We're neighbors.

Uh...

Me, Lane.

Monique Junet.

I can't believe you're here tonight

Who told me dreams Don't work out right?

- You do speak English, don't you? - Monique?

No? That's okay, I don't speak French.

Who told me dreams Don't work out right?

Monique.

Monique, I had no idea where you'd gotten off to.

You shouldn't make me worry.

- Lane. - Ricky.

I see you've made Monique's...

...acquaintance. - A number of times, yes.

She's a delightful girl with a firm grip.

Mother will pick us up at the entrance of the school.

She'll be very disappointed

if we aren't right at the entrance of the school.

Uh, Ricky, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you wait in the front of the school

and when Mom gets here, you have her honk the old horn.

Monique and I would like to continue our conversation.

You should not upset Mother ever.

I guess people do a lot of handshaking in France.

Oh, Myer. Listen, I wanted to let you know

there is an opening on the water ballet team.

I can make a call if you want. Come on.

All right.

- All right, start the day, Big Roy. - Wait up. Hey, baby.

Monique. Monique, why aren't you with Ricky?

Monique!

Well, nice meeting you. Good night. Uh...

Why weren't you there as I told you?

I told her, Mom.

I know. Don't you understand English?

Bye.

Two dollars.

Two dollars.

Keys!

- Hi, Lane. - Ah!

- How was your date? - They're out there, Dad. They're after me.

Happy New Year.

Honey, where's Lane?

Oh, he just came in.

He went skiing this morning with Charles de Mar.

I think he's in the shower.

What's taking him so long? Lane.

I told you I got him this job. It's his first day of work.

I don't want him to be late.

Lane.

You better...

Myer.

So you're Al Myer's kid.

Yes, I am.

You look pretty stupid to me.

Thank you.

Let's see if you have any brains, huh?

First, you take the meat. Understand?

Yeah.

Then you pat it in the pig mold.

- Push it in the pig mold. - No. This is a push.

This is a pat.

Then you take the pig mold and you put it up on the tray.

Now, put on this hat.

You see that sign out there?

You wear it with pride.

Put it on.

Ow.

You gotta have pride and class in this business.

You understand this, kid? Now...

- What's that? - Those are the keys to this establishment.

I want you in here at 6 a.m. Saturday morning.

Now, this place has to be swept and mopped up

before the breakfast crew get here.

- Roger. - All right.

- Where are you going? - Go wash my hands. I gotta mold and pat.

You wash your hands on your own time, boy. Now get to work.

Yes, sir.

- Fat pig. - What?

Pat. Pat pig.

Everybody wants some.

I'll show you what everybody wants.

Mad! All of you mad! Mad! Me, a fool?

It's alive. Ha, ha.

Ow!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You can't get romantic On a subway ride

And doctor don't like it Says you're wasting your time

But everybody wants some

I want some too

Everybody wants some

Baby, how about you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I took a mobile light Looking for a moonbeam

Oh! Yeah, you stand in line And got lost in a jet stream

Anybody want some? I want some too

Myer!

Oops.

Looking really good today, buddy. Looking real good.

Goon.

All right.

This is it.

Look, Barney, a falling star.

Yeah.

- Make a wish, Barney. - A wish?

They say if you wish on a falling star,

your wish will come true.

No kidding.

Hey, what did you wish for, Betty, huh?

- What? - Can't tell you.

It will spoil the wish. And don't tell me your wish either, Barney.

I won't.

Hey there, Lane.

I know this is a little awkward, me being a cartoon and all.

I was just wondering how you'd feel if I took out Beth.

- Matches. - Oh, Lane.

Lane, where have you been?

We've all been waiting for you.

You come and sit right down here.

Have you met Monique?

Hi.

Now, in honor of our special guest,

I've created "dinner mon doo."

First, we have...

..."franch" fries.

And...

..."Franch" dressing.

And "Franch" bread.

And to drink, ta-da,

Peru.

Jenny Myer, you really do go to the outer limits to make an impression.

Oh, Monique.

Enjoying your stay in our town?

I said, are you enjoying your stay in our town?

She doesn't speak English, Dad.

Of course she does.

Are you enjoying your stay...?

It's no good, Al. She don't speak a word.

Wait, I thought these foreign-exchange students

had to speak some English to come over here.

Well, as we're discovering around our household,

you don't need words to speak the, uh, international language.

Right, Ricky?

- Ha, ha. - Huh?

The international language. Ha, ha, ha.

You know?

Love.

The language of love.

I think Monique and our little Ricky

have a regular, um, cross-continental romance brewing here.

- Him? - Mm-hm.

- And her? - Mm-hm.

That makes sense.

What does that mean?

- I think she wants to use the bathroom. - Uh-huh.

It's down the hall, second door on the left, Monique.

Jennifer, ahem, this is fabulous liquor.

Reminds me of the moonshine Ricky's dead pappy use to make. Ha, ha.

- God bless him. - Mrs. Smith, no, wait!

Gee, I'm real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky.

Doctor said she'll be okay.

I guess she just won't be able to eat spicy foods for a while. Ha, ha.

Oh, no, not now.

- What do they want? - They wanna race.

Lane Myer, the kid from Greendale.

- See, here's a good example. - I don't know.

Two brothers, one speaks no English,

the other learned how to speak English from watching the Wide World of Sports.

You tell me, which is better:

Speaking no English at all or speaking Howard Cosell?

The chances seem slim that this once-great

has the nerve, the desire to win that he once had...

Obey the speed limits. A car is not a toy.

The man has obviously admitted defeat.

We're gonna take these guys.

- It's a close race. Myer takes the lead. - Whoo!

This could go in Myer's favor.

You're exceeding the speed limit. Lane Myer, slow down.

Myer takes the lead. This could go in Myer's favor.

- It's close. Very, very close. - Aah!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Ricky's dead. Ricky, are you dead?

I think he's dead. Monique.

Monique, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't...

Monique?

I'm telling my mom.

See you later.

Ever since I got my license, those kamikaze pilots have been after me.

If only I had my Camaro. If I had my Camaro running,

I would blow those boys off the street. Vroom!

That thing goes so fast. It's got an engine...

- Looks good, huh? - Heh, heh.

Well, I guess after my mom's cooking, you'll probably be able to tolerate anything.

Have a Ding Dong. They're good.

Ooh, there they are.

Don't get me wrong. My mom means well. She really does.

Cooking's her new thing. She cooks all the time now.

- It's a lot better than how it used to be. - Hey, buenos dias.

Listen, Myer, I just stopped by to tell you

I'm gonna be picking a new captain for the ski team on Sunday.

All you gotta do to be captain, Myers, is beat me.

I mean, the tryouts won't be the same if you're not there, champ.

So, uh, what are you and Myer talking about?

Is he telling you what a great lover he is?

She only speaks French, Roy. She doesn't speak imbecile.

Ooh.

Myer, there's one language that I speak that all women understand.

Just ask your last girlfriend.

Would you like to learn some new words?

Shit! Stupid!

- What's going on here? - Nothing!

Just learning that Myer's new frog girlfriend here

is just as much as a clod as he is.

Hey, hold on a minute, champ.

You think you're tough because you're captain of the team.

- I could out-ski you any day of the week. - Oh, really?

You wanna race, I'll take you on any day, sucker.

- Yeah, I'm sure. - From the K-12, champ.

- Ha, ha. - Chicken.

- What did you say? - Anytime. You name it.

Oh, Myer, you're digging your own grave.

No one has to know. Just me and you.

Sunday, high noon.

You're on.

This just in.

Lane Myer will be racing Roy Stalin down K-12 this Sunday at 12 noon.

Way to go, Lane.

I must be brain-damaged.

I'm gonna race, I'm gonna lose, and I'm gonna die.

That? It's a car.

The Camaro. Remember, I was telling you about it before?

It doesn't work. Nothing works.

My brother, he's building a space shuttle out of household appliances.

Vacuum cleaners and blenders.

That thing's probably gonna work. I can't get that out of the driveway.

I'll talk to you later. I gotta go.

Smitty! Yo, Smitty!

Hey, Myer. How's it going?

Here's the ski you called about.

Oh, my God, what happened to you? You're all mangled.

- Did you get hit by a truck? - Oh, no.

I was trying to ski the K-12, you know.

After the Olympics, everything looks so damn easy.

You gotta be a real moron to try to ski that run. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Charge it.

Have a nice day.

This is as bad as it will ever get.

- Aah! - I want my $2! Two dollars!

I want my $2! Two dollars!

Two dollars!

I want my $2!

]

I want my $2! Two dollars!

- Ah! - Two dollars!

No, I can't swim! No!

Hi, Monique.

Something wrong, Monique?

Nice talking to you.

Hell, yes, something is wrong.

This, how you say, dorkhead, is an unleashed sex fiend.

- Huh? - Ricky, he will not leave me alone.

He thinks because I stay here, I am his, uh, love goddess, his prostrate.

No, prostitute.

Holy shit.

You big faker, you speak English.

But of course, I speak English.

I speak very good English.

I will not, however, speak Mrs. Smith's...

- International language of love, with this reptilian son.

Well, honk my hooter. I don't believe it.

You've understood everything we've said, this whole time?

Look, Lane, if you were living with a family like that,

the less you spoke, the happier you would be. I promise you.

God, I never thought of that.

I thought if Casanova and I in there had nothing to say to each other,

he'd get bored.

Go away.

Instead, he uses it as a chance to put his testicles all over me.

Uh, his what?

Uh, how you say octopus, testicles.

Tentacles. N-T.

Tentacles.

- Tentacles. - There's a big difference.

All I want is to come to the States and see Dodger Stadium.

Now all I see is that face in my door every time I move.

Dodgers, huh?

I noticed you have a pretty good pitching arm.

Well, what else is there

that is of interest in the States but, uh, the Brooklyn Dodgers?

I don't know. You might find a nice friend.

You do have friends in France.

You know? Friend.

- Friend. - Ha, ha, ha.

Then you will not tell?

That you're a Dodgers' fan?

No, that I speak English.

- Cross my heart and hope to die. - Do you?

Not at the moment.

Monique?

What are you doing out here? Do you know what time it is?

Get in here before you catch your death.

Jesus.

You are my friend.

Good night.

Good luck.

Is that Myer boy bothering you?

Little Ricky's been looking all over for you.

We've been worried sick.

Uh, hello? Hello?

Monique, hi.

No, thanks, I already had breakfast.

What are you doing to my car?

What are you doing to my Camaro?

Monique, what are you doing to my car? It's already screwed up as it is.

- Screwed up, huh? - Yeah, very.

You got my car running. Monique, I don't believe

that you brought my car back from the dead.

- From the dead? - Yeah.

No, not entirely.

Wait. Well, can you put that back in?

I mean, together, where it goes?

If I cannot, I am sure you will do it.

Oh, no, I have a great fear of tools.

I once made a birdhouse in wood shop.

The Fair Housing Committee condemned it. I can't.

"I cannot do it" is your middle name.

Come, help me push this into the garage.

Okay.

You know, I think you're kind of remarkable.

How did you learn to do all this stuff?

Some things are not that hard to understand, Lane.

Like you, for instance.

You seem to think up all these ways of killing yourself, but you never do it.

Why is this?

Uh, isn't that kind of personal?

But I have told you all the sordid details of my intimate sex life with Ricky Smith.

Heh, heh. I just figured you could explain this dramatic death wish.

I used to go out with this girl named Beth.

I really thought I loved her.

She dumped me, and I...

And I guess I just thought I couldn't live without her or something.

You would die to get the attention of, uh, this woman?

You know, Lane, there are better ways of getting attention.

Yeah.

Just when she dumped me, she dumped me for this real slimebag.

A guy named Stalin.

Stalin.

Stalin. I race Stalin tomorrow.

Oh, my God, I have to get to a cave. Right now.

No, no. This is what I speak of.

This is good way of getting this attention.

- When we beat him. - Beat him?

- Yes. - I can't beat him. I can't.

I think all you need is a small taste of success.

And you will find it suits you.

Oh, yeah?

Step up.

Here.

One minute.

Voilà.

I got these for Christmas.

Bon appétit.

Monique, I just wanted to thank you for everything.

Merci buckets.

Wait. I forgot the most important thing.

Look at this!

How am I supposed to live through this?

All you got to do is go that way. Really fast.

If something gets in your way, turn.

Watch. Is no sweat.

Now you!

Hell, if you can do it!

Lane!

Lane. Lane, are you all right?

You're mad about me, aren't you?

No. No, I'm okay, really. Nothing is broken. It's just a little...

Thank you.

- Sorry about that. - Ha, ha, ha.

I'm telling you, Lane.

Practically everybody in the state of northern California

is around this particular mountain

waiting to see one Lane Myer tackle this totally untamed slope,

dead or alive.

So get the lead out.

That is all.

Well, I guess this is it.

Please hurry.

We have unfinished business.

Do not forget.

Huh?

Language lessons.

What, you're gonna teach me French?

The international language.

Kick his ass.

Shit!

I want my $2!

Oh, my God.

Two dollars!

I want my $2!

Yeah. Of course, the guy chickened out. He's just a geek.

Listen, the wet wimp ain't gonna show up.

Of course not. So, what do you want us to do?

- Shall we pack it up? - I'll tell you what.

While I'm up here, I might as well just break one more record.

- We'll set the synchros for you. - Ten-four.

Okay, Spencer, we're gonna send Roy down alone.

- Looks like this guy is not gonna show. - Okay, count me down.

Oh, Myer. You don't know when to quit.

Myer is on the hill.

Oh, yeah!

Two dollars!

Go.

Go!

He is skiing on one ski.

- What? - Aah!

Two dollars!

There's something following them.

- What? - What?

Two dollars!

I want my $2!

I want my $2.

What now?

Two dollars!

- Get out of here. Get lost. - Two dollars.

Get out of here.

Take a hike, brat.

Two dollars.

They're coming out of the woods.

Come on, little buckaroo!

Come on!

You fiend!

Man, you're the hottest thing since sunburn.

- Nice try. - Get lost.

Lane, you really are the best. Hi.

We've been worried about you, Monique.

What are you doing up here?

Do you know how long a drive it is to get here?

Ricky, get her skis. Come on, we're going home.

Excuse me.

This is truly a sublime metamorphosis of the Lane Myer

I think the crowds were expecting to see here

at Brodie Mountain today.

Perhaps you can tell us what brought on such an enchanting, exhilarating feat.

Language lessons.

Inspired words from a man who knows how to ski.

You're nothing but a little French tramp, you know?

I don't know what Ricky even sees in you.

Whoa!

- What are you doing with her? - She's coming with me.

- She's coming with us. - Wrong.

You would be wise to do as Mother says, Lane Myer.

Ricky, do something to him.

Aah! Son of a bitch.

Come on, honey.

Nail the sucker.

What are you doing to him?

Come on.

That's a boy.

Ha!

Come on.

Ah!

Oh!

Ricky?

Ricky, where you going?

Ricky.

Ricky?

Ricky!