All language subtitles for (2004) George Carlin - Inside the Actors Studio [04x11]

Tonight's guest is one of those rare
artists to whose name the adjective

legendary is often attached.

At the HBO Comedy Festival, Jon Stewart
introduced him by referring to the holy

trinity of comedy, Lenny Bruce, Richard
Pryor, and George Carlin.

He has written and appeared in 12 HBO
concert specials, which have earned him

four Emmy nominations and won two
American Comedy Awards and two Cable Ace

Awards.

He has also received an Emmy nomination
as Outstanding Performer in a children's

series for his portrayal of Mr.

Conductor in Shining Time Station.

In 2001, the American Comedy Awards
honored him for his lifetime achievement

comedy. He has appeared in films as
varied as With Six You Get Egg Roll,

and Ted's Excellent Adventure, The
Prince of Tides, The Streets of Laredo,

Dogma.

Scary Movie 3, and Jersey Girl.

You will find his star on the Hollywood
Walk of Fame at the corner of Vine and

Selma. The Actors Studio is proud to
welcome George Carlin.

Because this is a school and our
master's degree candidates are

everything that shaped the guest in that
chair, we usually begin at the

beginning, which for everyone else is a
question as mundane as, where were you

born? But this is the first time I have
ever had a card in my hand that reads,

George Carlin was conceived in August
1936 at Curley's Hotel in

Rockaway Beach, New York.

confirm that? And if so, how?

My mother and father had been separated
for two years before this moment I'm

speaking of. And they ran into each
other on the street in New York.

And they were very much in love. They
just knew it was difficult to live

together. And he couldn't metabolize
ethanol very successfully.

So there was a problem.

But at this stage, the marriage wasn't
finished yet, and they met on the

and being very much in love and romantic
types, he said, let's go out to

Rockaway, man.

Let's go out and have a weekend
together. So they went out there, and on

chance moment, it hinged my very
existence. I was conceived then.

On that weekend in August, on 116th and
Beach Street there, Rockaway, New York.

See the kind of information we're going
to get tonight. Yeah.

Detail. Now, I have this Dickensian
picture of your mother climbing out a

and down a fire gate with you and your
brother three months after you were

What was the occasion?

Well, it's clear from the story about
them meeting and having conceived me is

that there was trouble between them. He
was a drinker and he was a bully.

The occasion when they split finally was
after my birth, about two to three

months after my birth. It was clear it
wasn't going to work.

She didn't want to have happen to me
what happened to my brother. He was

So one night he came and was terrorizing
them and she took me in her arms. She

made our way down this fire escape to
the courtyard, down through the

to Broadway where my Uncle Tom was
waiting with his peckard.

and drove us to the country. I started
my road trips very early. Off we were.

And we were vagabonds for about two or
three years until she found an apartment

and we established a little, she called
it, our little home. How did she support

you and your brother?

She wound up at the Association of
National Advertisers. She was the

to their president.

So she supported us. She used to say, I
make a man's salary.

And in those days, it was a fair
description of...

Yeah, how she did.

You moved to 519 West 121st? First home
where he didn't know where we lived.

I see. And what was that neighborhood
like?

That was wonderful. My front door on
121st between Broadway and Amsterdam was

directly across the street from Teachers
College.

We knew every square foot. We knew how
to get through. Columbia University?

Columbia University's Teachers College.

At the end of my street was Riverside
Church, a 23 -story Gothic phallic

with the largest carillon in the world.

Underneath it, closer to me, Union
Theological Seminary, the largest multi

-denominational seminary in the world.
Around the corner and down the street,

without crossing a street, Jewish
Theological Seminary, same thing as the

only in the Jewish faith. Across the
street from that, the original Juilliard

School of Music.

We also had St. John the Divine, and we
had Grant's Tomb, and all of this was my

neighborhood. And down a few blocks were
what we called West Harlem. We had

Spanish, black, and Irish kids, working
class Irish kids.

That's where I chose to hang out. This
was a big influence on the neighborhood,

but the streets of West Harlem were the
influence on my life and learning and

behavior. One of the things that
interests us...

is the birth of this obsession that has
consumed the life of everyone in that

chair for 10 years and of the students
out there in our audience.

Can you remember moments when it began
for you? When I was small, and by that I

mean six, maybe even five, I would go to
my mother's office sometimes, and

she had taught me to imitate Mae West.

And then for that, I would say to her,
we got to go to the automat.

The automat was my reward, going and
getting mashed potatoes and peas.

And so that was when I first noticed
that being cute and clever and having

skill like that, mimicry in this case,
got the attention of adults and their

approval and a form of approbation.

And I guess that must have registered
with me.

as something I needed and I wanted. And
then I noticed Bob Hope in acting movies

and Red Skelton. And I would see them
having fun and being funny and so forth.

And then I'd imitate them to my friends
or to my mother or whatever. And it

began to build this idea that there was
something to aspire to real outside of

my mother's office and the automat, you
know.

Some of your humor can be mildly.

described as sacrilegious.

I'd like to know if you remember your
First Communion.

I do. The thing about First Communion
was they told us we would feel

We would receive First Communion, the
host would be the body of God, the body

our Lord Jesus Christ, and that it would
make us feel different. We would feel

full of this grace and wonderful glow.

And I didn't feel it.

I was seven years old. I didn't feel it.
It was a host. It was in my mouth. It

was unleavened bread. I finally
swallowed it.

I had no mystical or even semi -mystical
experience, and it began to plant in my

mind the idea that maybe they're not
telling me the whole story.

But I went to a Catholic parochial
school unlike anything that we hear

this stereotype.

First of all, we had no report cards, no
marks of any kind.

We didn't have to take the state's
regents' test.

That's how high the standards in this
school were. We were exempted from state

regents' tests.

We had no corporal punishment.

We had no uniforms.

We had boys and girls together.

And we had movable chairs and desks so
that our arrangements of who was sitting

next to you could be changed about every
month. And you had different neighbors,

as we called them.

And everything was discussed.

And the name of this remarkable school
was? Corpus Christi School. Still there.

The street is virtually unchanged.

121st between Broadway and Amsterdam.

How did you wind up at Cardinal Hayes?
My brother had gone to Cardinal Hayes.

brother was, I looked up to him. He was
a cool guy.

I hung out in the neighborhood he hung
out in, which was pretty much the only

one we had anyway, but I followed his
footsteps down the hill.

And I went to the Air Force later,
because he did.

My interest was in getting away from
everything, go to the Air Force, and get

out, get the GI Bill, and go to jockey
school. That was what I thought of

as doing, because that'll get me to
comedy, and that'll get me to acting.

is all going to work, but I've got to go
get the GI Bill by being in the Air

Force, and you had an obligation to be
in the service anyway, so I'll just

discharge it this way, and that's what I
did.

And you received a general discharge
under honorable conditions.

The Air Force and I at one point, a year
early, we looked at each other and we

said, it's not working.

And they more or less said to me, I'll
tell you what we'll do. We'll give you

full pay and allowances. You'll get your
GI Bill.

We will not ask you to do four years of
reserve time.

And he said, something like this, you
don't mention that you were here, we

say anything either.

So I have violated that, but it wasn't a
sacred oath. Where did you work when

you returned from the Air Force?

I went back to Shreveport as a civilian,
stayed for almost a year, and then a

friend who had worked there went to
Boston, and he was the manager of a

there. So I went to Boston, and it
wasn't the best job for me. It was a

announcer job.

They had networks still. There were
still soap operas. It was NBC network.

And it wasn't a place where I could be a
DJ.

And then you went down to Fort Worth, I
believe. I went to Fort Worth where I

really had the best radio job I ever
had. That was 7 to midnight. I called it

the homework shift.

I answered my own phones. I talked to
the kids.

How was Burns and Carlin born?

Well, Burns, Jack Burns, worked at the
radio station in Boston. And Jack and I

had an affinity for comedy. We both knew
the same sort of blue -collar Irish.

We had them in our heads. And he joined
you, I think, in Fort Worth. He wound up

coming into Fort Worth. What took you
guys to Los Angeles?

Well, he came by Fort Worth one night,
surprisingly, and he said, George, I'm

going out to Hollywood to give him one
last chance.

He was in his James Dean period.

We felt that we should go to Hollywood.
We should go to Hollywood and become a

comedy team in nightclubs.

Eight months later.

We were standing in NBC's building doing
the Jack Park show as Burns and Carlin

established,

about six months established, Nightclub
Act.

I can't explain the kind of breaks that
have come my way and that are out there.

Dreams come true. Dream your dreams and
massage them and you'll live them out.

I'm telling you, it works.

How did you guys become the Wright
Brothers at KDAY?

They were looking for someone like us.
We auditioned. They liked it.

They called us the Wright Brothers, as
opposed to Burns and Carlin.

And we were on the air within about two
weeks from that day, the day we walked

in there.

And we stayed with them long enough to
get a little bit of a coffeehouse job.

We were suddenly a real comedy team with
real agents, international agents, and

we wound up on the Jack Parr show that
year. I mean, I can't understand this

stuff. How does this happen?

Now, you began doing a lot of television
appearances. How many appearances did

you do? Do you remember on the Merv
Griffin show?

Burr must have numbered around 30 or in
the low 30s. Same with Mike Douglas,

perhaps a few less.

But they were daytime syndicated shows
that you can go back to, go back to. And

I had to write, write, write, write,
write. And I became skilled at producing

material for myself, which is really the
thing that has sustained me the most.

More than any other skill or talent that
I have, writing material for myself.

In 1967, the so -called Summer of Love,
I was 30.

Well, the people I was entertaining were
40 and 50.

I was in these standard mainstream
nightclubs, entertaining them, not

with them at all. In fact, disliking
them and disliking the things they stood

for in business and in their corporate
mentalities and all the things they

for. And now, to my left, as it were,
the 20 -year -olds were beginning to

sound like my A personality, my
rebellious guy.

I'm noticing this counterculture. And I
had musician friends all through the

60s, and I watched them change.

I watched their hair grow. I watched
their interests grow. I watched their

change. And I had them as friends, and I
was still a pot smoker, which I believe

is a value -changing drug. I believe it
has a permanent effect on your value

system. And I think it is a self
-limiting drug. It also suggests its own

eventually. For me, it did. I think
there comes a time when the disinclusive

says to you, We've just about got
through the changes we need, George.

Now it's a burden. Now it's a bit less
of an assist, and it's more of a

So I learned that lesson. But I had
begun to change, and suddenly this

clash of George the outlaw rebel and
George the guy with the tuxedo or the

suit going like this.

They were completely incompatible. I had
a very successful career. I was making

$12 ,500 a week in Las Vegas. I said, I
got to go to the colleges. I said, I

belong at the college concerts. I belong
with people who are open and will let

me be myself and experiment.

And you changed your look.

Yeah. My beard got longer. My hair got
longer.

My wardrobe changed slowly as I took
more risks, I guess. And I began to do

material.

That was a little... Now they would use
the word edgier. It's edgier.

The album FM and AM was released in
January 1972. It went gold, and it won

Grammy for Comedy Album of the Year.

I want to talk about the people who
taught you, who influenced you.

You've mentioned that you saw Danny
Kaye. Yeah. Did you see the Marx

Oh, yes.

And what I loved about them was the
chaos.

Harold Lloyd, Buster Keaton, Charlie
Chao, all of them were victims.

Their characters were victimized by the
culture and surroundings of the people

in their movies.

And Groucho Marx reversed that. And they
became the perpetrators of the deeds

that were sort of like out of line. And
the society became their victims. And I

didn't know that at the time, but I was
attracted to it instinctively.

Spike Jonze. Spike Jonze. Roger Hogan
lived to 537. He had a collection of

Jonze records, old 78 RPM album.

And I loved that because of the sheer
destruction of something nice.

He would take a beautiful song and just
destroy it in a very funny way.

Ernie Kovacs.

Ernie Kovacs because of the madness, the
sheer inventiveness, the chance

-taking. Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis was unbridled anarchy. He
was the best at that, and there I was,

know, 15, 16, 17, at a time when it
really impressed me.

Lenny Bruce.

The honesty.

The honesty at opening up the wound.

and just think, look, look in here. This
is what we do. This is how we do it.

Look at this. Richard Pryor.

Richard was a supreme artist who took
the black experience, such as his

was in Peoria, and a particularly
interesting childhood and exposure to

aspects of the world, a knack for
retaining all of

that, and then...

turning it into these magic characters.

During the early 70s and into the 70s,
George recorded six albums on the Little

David record label.

The first four albums were certified
gold.

By this time, I think your humor was
becoming more and more openly

autobiographical. Am I correct?

The first of the albums, yes, especially
Class Clown, and the next one was

called

occupation fool.

To whom was the album Class Clown
dedicated?

Leonard Schneider, which is Lenny
Bruce's real name.

I think I said, in memory of Leonard
Schneider, for taking all the risks.

Didn't you also pay tribute in the album
to the nuns and priests of Corpus

Christi? I listed every one of the eight
nuns I had had and all the priests we'd

had in that parish that I knew. There
were probably five or six names.

I wanted people to know that the
disrespect I had for

the dogmatic aspect and for the
inconsistency, and in a lot of cases the

of Catholic doctrine, was tempered with
an affection, an affection and a

gratitude that I had.

for this wonderful setting that I
considered like a garden. Later I looked

and I thought, well, that was a little
garden where they let me grow. They let

me be a creative person and think for
myself there.

So I wanted to kind of illustrate that,
that I was kind of like going, you know,

thanks and no thanks, something like
that.

As provocative as every cut in the album
is, the one that sent it and you over

the top, literally and figuratively
forever and into history was the last

Seven words you can't say on television.

For the edification of our master's
degree candidates, George,

would you please enlighten them? What
were those seven words?

Piss. Sucker. Motherfucker. And piss.

And I pointed out.

Because you couldn't say tits. And I
guess now you can hear it on an

show, you know, especially maybe after 9
o 'clock or something.

And if they say shit, it's because NYPD
has a special promotion they're going to

say. You know, it's so false. It's so
artificial.

But in that time, I said, tits doesn't
even sound like it should be a curse.

It's kind of cute. It sounds like a
nickname. Hey, tits, meet Toots. Toots,

is Toots.

It sounds like a snack food. It sounds
like a snack food. Cheese tits, corn

tits, tater tits.

Tater tits. Give me a box of the tater
tits. One of the things that makes

unique is his feverish passion for and
encyclopedic knowledge

and mastery.

of words.

I don't think anyone would debate that
George Carlin is the most agile verbal

comedian we've ever had.

I'd like to know how that started.

Do you think, is that genetic?

I think there's a great genetic marker
for language.

And then, of course, reinforcement of
anything genetic is important.

My mother was that way.

My father, besides being a great
salesman, he was a public speaker.

He won

The Dale Carnegie, at that time there
was a public speaking course they had,

they had finals every year of the winner
of the best public speaker in America.

And he gave a speech at Waldorf Astoria
the night of the dinner for the

finalists, and he won.

I still have the gavel, which was his
award, a mahogany gavel with a silver

on it.

I treasure the memories I have of him
indirectly through my mother. But he had

the gift.

And my mother had it. She would come
home from work, and I would bring her

newspaper. I would get her World Tele,
the World Telegram.

And she would call me, and suddenly
she'd say, George, come in here. Look at

this. Look at this.

She'd say, look at these words.

Look at how that word cuts.

Look at how that word just, read that
sentence. I'd read it. She'd say, look

that cuts right through. That word has
power.

It has impact.

It takes the idea apart. You see, she
would show me that stuff.

When did you begin guest hosting on The
Tonight Show?

It would have, well, it was during the
period when I was still deeply into the

cocaine. And it would have been, they
dropped me from the Tonight Show for

a year because the word in the regular
entertainment industry, the standard

mainstream agents and managers and
stuff, he flipped.

He's had too many drugs, he's flipped.
He's wearing tie -dye shirts, he's

cursing, he's talking, the guy's
flipped.

So I finally got back in good graces
after a couple of big selling albums.

do understand when you're successful at
the cash register, don't they? Oh,

you're selling albums. Well, I guess
it's different. I guess it's okay.

So suddenly I was hosting the Tonight
Show in Johnny's absences.

How much coke were you using during that
period? I guess I must have gone

through six or seven grams a day
sometimes.

And it was a thing where the fun was in
doing this.

You know, the act, there was a ritual to
it. There was a ritualism, chopping it

up with the razor blade and stuff and
getting it all into the little brown

bottle and keeping one in here and then
having a second one because when this

one's out, you want to know where that
one is. But you would lose track of it.

It was brutal, horrendous, and a lot of
fun.

I suspect that there were times when it
wasn't just fun.

Oh, absolutely. The thing about all
drugs, I think, all habits,

of that type, chemicals, alcohol,
everything.

There's a period when the pleasure
greatly outnumbers and outweighs

the pain, the price you pay.

The ratio of pleasure to pain was a good
-sized one.

Over the years, the difference in the
ratio was evident.

Much less pleasure, far more pain.

At one point, I finally said, you
know...

And I don't remember the dialogue, but
it was something like this.

This costs much more than it's worth.
And the intellect took over from

the wayward adult.

The intellect said...

This doesn't work anymore.

This is not worth it. You have to change
this So what I did was I never went to

a facility.

I never had a detox period never had any
of that I just began using less and

using it less frequently Until it was
gone.

What happened to you in 1978?

I had my first heart attack Yeah, my
father died when I was eight years old

first symptom of heart disease was a
trip to the cemetery

I was lucky. I had a minor heart attack
when I was 40.

What was that? 41.

And I learned a little about heart
health.

Not enough, but I had two heart attacks
since then. Haven't had one in 12 years.

And they've spaced out to about nine
years apart. So that's not bad.

Every nine years?

In the wake of the heart attack, though,
in 1978, you virtually vanished.

You cannot be the fastest gun in town
forever.

You cannot be the hot new guy in your
field forever.

I had my honeymoon period. I had my four
gold albums. The other two that

followed it weren't so bad, but they
weren't gold albums.

And I reached a drift.

The country had changed, too. And the
culture had changed, and it was disco!

You know, it was, I mean, the whole idea
of peace, love, happiness, and all of

this stuff was gone come 1976.

In 76, I hit a wall, and here comes HBO
with a mass audience.

This time visual, too, so that adds to
the effect of the album.

I think it was in 1982 that you released
A Place for My Stuff.

This was different kind of material.
This was not, this was...

Something that everybody could
understand. What they later began to

observational humor.

Humor based on experiences we all have,
universal experiences.

Your romance with words and their often
subtle, elusive meanings is nowhere more

evident than in a brilliant routine
called, quite simply, baseball and

You'll notice a couple of differences
between baseball and football.

Baseball is a 19th century pastoral
game.

Football is a 20th century technological
struggle.

Baseball is played in a park, the
baseball park.

Football is played in a stadium,
sometimes called Soldier Field or War

Stadium.

Baseball is played on a diamond.

Football is played on a gridiron.

Baseball has no time limit. We might
have extra innings.

Football is rigidly timed and it will
end even if we have to go to sudden

You've also created over the years some
wonderful characters.

There was Al Fleet, the hippy -dippy
weatherman.

He was your most thoroughly stoned

character.

The weather is dominated by a large
Canadian low, which is not to be

with a Mexican high.

Tonight's forecast, dark.

Continued dark tonight, turning to
partly light in the morning.

Old Al got out of the weather business
when he realized he had given the final

weather forecast. He had given the
ultimate forecast. There was nowhere to

You know, when there's nothing left to
conquer in your field, hey, it's time to

leave. And old Al had given the ultimate
forecast. He told us, he said one

night, that the weather will continue to
change on and off for a

long, long time.

And he was gone, Philip. God bless you.

Are the stock and trade of Japan's
Kabuki and of some comedians.

You seem to have a special gift.

Are your eyes separately wired?

The two eyes begin here.

This one comes in.

They meet at the center. And then this
one goes out there.

It's like this.

Do you think that talent for comedy is
purely genetic or can it be acquired?

I think you can learn.

to refine.

Certainly you can learn to deliver it
and improve the

skills that are involved.

But I think the essential quality for
this humor is

ingrained in the personality.

It's a way of seeing the world.

Let's not forget, Carol Burnett or
Lucille Ball versus Mort Saul versus

Bruce, Richard Pryor, Steve Martin,
myself.

The Three Stooges, Will Rogers, Steve
Allen, all these people qualify as

comedians. And there's very little in
common among them in style or delivery

tone or attitude or approach.

It's just in the fact that they have
looked at the world and said,

wrong. Something's wrong here, folks.
And this is how I deliver that feeling

back to you. This is through my filter,
through my prism. You said something's

wrong. Yes. Hmm? Yes. Does it begin
there? For example, you have said, I

sense of betrayal from three sources.

Just three.

Religion, the nation, the species.

Sort of covers it, doesn't it? I

think that one of the most astonishing
three

minutes you ever invented is the matter
of the invisible man living in the sky.

Think about it. Religion has actually
convinced people that there's an

man living in the sky who watches
everything you do every minute of every

day. And the invisible man has a special
list of ten things he does not want you

to do.

And if you do any of these ten things,
he has a special place full of fire and

smoke and burning and torture and
anguish where he will send you to live

suffer and burn and choke and scream and
cry forever and ever till the end of

time.

But he loves you.

He loves you and he needs money.

He always needs money.

He's all -powerful, all -perfect, all
-knowing, and all -wise. Somehow, just

can't handle money.

Why on your website does your mother
continually die in

a variety of ways?

For example, for example, from his
website, 1990.

Mother dies of infection picked up at
mobile labia -piercing clinic run by

Christian bikers.

Yeah. What do you mean, yeah?

Well... By that time, when in fact did
she die?

My mother died at the age of 89.

Why did you choose six years after her
death to kill her again at the hands of

Christian bikers?

I don't know. You know, I have a rich
pile of... for instance, ways of dying,

things I've made up.

And you have to use this stuff.

And the timeline on my web page is,

the timeline of my actual life includes
just ordinary repertorial descriptions

of things that happened and occurred,
and then a lot of comic distortion and

some sheer invention.

Like father dies having rough sex in
Barca lounger with Norwegian sailor.

just I just love I just I love the
combination of images there, you know

Certain certain words are just funnier
than others and especially in

combinations and Rough sex of the
Norwegian sailor Barca lounge. I mean,

know, it's just a great combination. I
just like taking language and creating

the way the Marx Brothers did.

Obscenely unlikely things with the words
that are all useful in other ways and

have ordinary pedestrian meanings.

You go to great pains on your website to
derogate your performances as an actor.

A few examples.

June 1966, first acting job, That Girl.

Episode as Marlo Thomas' agent, George
Lester.

My acting really sucks.

It's true.

First movie.

Appears with Brian Keith in Doris Day
and with Six Who Get Egg Roll.

Plays car hop Herbie Fleck. Acting sucks
a little less.

Progress. Progress.

1987. Appears with Bette Midler in
Shelley Long in Outrageous Fortune.

Plays Frank Madras, a drunken ex -hippie
tracker.

Acting getting better.

February 1989.

Appears with Keanu Reeves and Alex
Winters in Bill and Ted's Excellent

Adventure.

Plays Rufus, the futuristic mentor to
Bill and Ted. Acting acceptable, not

yet. Now there are some here who
obviously disagree with you. Tell us

experience of making that movie. Did you
enjoy it?

Oh, that was fun.

Keanu and Alex were nothing but cut -ups
and clowns on the set. It was like

being with a couple of teenagers.

In September 1991, you stepped
completely out of character, I think, to

over the role of Mr.

Conductor on Shining Time Station on
PBS.

Right. What drew you to a choice as
surprising as this one? I thought, this

chance for me to show that I have other
sides to me besides cursing on stage,

that I have some colors.

They're not expecting. That's always
been what I want people to see.

Well, you showed a lot of people that
you received two Emmy nominations for

role. Yeah.

George Carlin's website.

Appears with Barbra Streisand and Nick
Nolte in Prince of Tides playing Eddie

the Gay Neighbor.

Really good job.

Best acting so far.

Yeah. Well, finally, a little respect.

Yes. How did the role come to you?

Word was passed to my manager to let us
know that Barbara was interested in

seeing if I'd be interested in these
pages, and they faxed over pages and

And it was this gay neighbor of Nick
Nolte's sister.

So I was in New York, and they called me
up to her apartment on Central Park

West. And so...

I went there and after reading the pages
with her, I said, listen, Barbara, I

said, I said, Barbara, I said, I really
need this part.

I said, I don't know how to tell you
this, but I've always wanted to be an

actor. And I think I have skills and I
have talents that haven't been used yet.

And I have a way sometimes. And I just
told her about myself.

And bingo, she didn't tell me that day,
but pretty soon I had the part.

And it was the best acting up to then.
And maybe it's in the best ones of all.

Because there was stuff on the pages to
do.

They're leaping from fire escapes now.
One guy landed on my air conditioner. I

greased my window, so that didn't help
at all. Oh, I love New York.

Tell me about it.

How's Andrew?

Gone. Said he needed space, so he found
a younger man at the duplex.

His loss, Eddie.

Bless you.

Savannah was an angel. I practically
lived over here.

So you're alone now, huh?

Well... Unless I can tempt you into
crossing the line while you're here,

I got enough troubles, Eddie.

Actually, you look terrible, Tom.

I mean, you're not even cute anymore.

That's your idea, seduction. No wonder
you're alone.

Well, it isn't easy.

Did you know Savannah was seeing a
psychiatrist again?

Of course. I recommended her. She's a
friend of mine.

It was a bitch washing it out.

You found it?

George Carlin's website.

March, April, 1998.

Films motion picture Dogma. Yeah.

In Pittsburgh.

Plays part of Cardinal Glick, a
religious marketing hustler.

Enjoyed ridiculing Catholic clergy.

Back to business at the same old stand.

How did writer -director Kevin Smith
decide that George Carlin was the only

person who could play Cardinal Ignatius
Glick?

Kevin came to me and he wanted me to
play this. He says, I wrote this part,

character with you in mind, and would
you look at it? So that got me into this

minor repertory company of Ben's, which
is where these folks show up a lot, and

that was my first one. I've done three
now. What is the new Jesus that he

presents to his... The buddy Christ.

The Buddy Christ, who... What is his
symbol, the Buddy Christ?

Hold on.

But isn't there more to it than that?
There was another.

That's right. He's winking.

See, Padre, it goes down like this.
These guys think that by passing through

that archway, they can go straight to
heaven.

You want me to call off the ceremony for
that?

Who sent you?

We were sent by him, who is called I Am.

Cute. Really cute.

Well, come on, kids. Playtime with the
Cardinal is over.

Work for Moses.

Stay out of this. Let's go.

Your Eminence, it's not a joke. I'm
telling you, man, this ceremony's a big

mistake. The Catholic Church does not
make mistakes.

Please, what about the Church's silent
consent of the slave trade? And its

platform of non -involvement during the
Holocaust?

All right.

Mistakes were made.

But one can hardly hold the current
incarnation of Holy Mother Church

responsible for the oversights of old.
Now, I'm a very important man with very

important matters that demand my
attention.

So if you please.

But tomorrow. Tomorrow goes off without
a hitch. Do I make myself clear? Neither

you nor any other influence short of the
hand of God himself is going to keep

this thing from going off without a
hitch. Dogman contains some very serious

quite authentic religious debate.

Yeah. Given your views, reputation, did
Kevin Smith encourage you to make any

contributions to the script? No. Was it
all written? It was all done, and it was

pretty much above my expertise. You
reunited with him recently for Jersey

Girl. Yeah. I once told Kevin, I said,
Kevin, I want you to know something.

If you ever need a character to strangle
six children, give me a call.

Because I can do that character, and I
can surprise a lot of people.

So he must have kept me in mind for
something out of the norm for what the

public expects of me, and had me play
the grandfather, the father of Ben

Affleck, the grandfather of the Jersey
girl, little Raquel Castro, who was

fantastic the only way i prepared for
this was to uh to learn it and to

understand the scene and what my purpose
my character's purpose was in the scene

and then absorb all of that and then
forget it and just kind of call on the

parts of me that knew this man so on
this one i said this is the most

role i've ever had i'm not going to do
any preparation except what's in me and

i'll find what's in me what i need for
this guy and it turned out to be the

feeling i had about my acting How long
was your book, Braindroppings, on the

York Times bestseller list? Well, the
hardcover and softcover combined were in

the low 40s, 42, 44 weeks, something
like that. That and the Napalm, I'm very

proud of these things. The Napalm book,
the second one on Braindroppings,

combined both hardcover and softcover,
have sold a million and a half copies.

And that's not so usual for a comedian's
stuff. No, it's not.

It certainly is. I was proud of that.
You have a right to be.

We begin our classroom with the
questionnaire invented by Marcel Proust

brought to a high state of the art by my
hero Bernard Pivot.

What is your favorite word?

I have to give you more than one.

The musical instrument, the balalaika.

It's just so wonderful to say balalaika.

For some reason, Skylark.

It's a lovely word and it evokes lovely
things, of course. Your least favorite

word? There are harsh words.

A lot of them are two -word phrases.
Harsh words like dump truck, ash can,

meatloaf.

What turns you on?

Well, reading about language. What turns
you off?

I don't like people who are pretentious
and arrogant.

What sound or noise do you love?

Oh, the sigh, the well -earned and
comforting sigh that comes naturally to

What sound or noise do you hate?

Oh, the sound of a truck backing up with
that beep, beep, beep.

Everything beeps now.

In a way, I've been waiting all my life
for this moment.

George Carlin, what is your favorite
curse word?

Motherfucker.

It has such balance to it.

What profession other than yours would
you like to attempt?

I think with the tools I have, I think I
would have made a good trial lawyer.

What profession would you not like to
participate in? I just wouldn't like any

profession where I really had to answer
to another person almost, you know,

without exception, without a vote.

If heaven exists,

What would you like to hear God, if God
exists, say when you arrive at the

pearly gate?

Now we're going to have some fun around
here.

He'd be absolutely right. Now we're
going to have some fun here. Here we go.

Mr.

Carlin, my name is Steve Nicholas. I'm a
second -year playwright.

I'm curious about your writing process.

Yeah. Do you choose a theme and write to
that theme, or do you take material

that you've already written and try to
weave a thematic thread through it?

The thing about my process, and it's
always interesting to me to describe it,

save these files. I have 2 ,000,
roughly, files in this computer on every

subject we can think of.

These are collected, I call them
harvesting, every week or so, and

into their appropriate files.

My process is, these files grow, and I
write for my stage act.

I have about an hour, I do about an hour
and 20 minutes, an hour and a half.

There's no theme.

It's mostly varied among language, the
big world, about which we mostly can

find disagreements.

Business, government, race, politics,
religion, the big things.

Consumerism.

And then the little world, things we all
agree on because we all experience

them. Dogs, cats, telephone manners or
whatever, clothing, shopping, all the

things we all know. So those three
things, language, the big world, and the

little world, have always been places I
drew from.

Hi, Mr. Crellin. Hi. My name is Seth
Rabinowitz. I'm a third -year actor. Hi.

One thing you talked about earlier
tonight was that you felt kind of

religion, your species.

Yeah. And I'm just curious, as somebody
who still clearly very much enjoys life,

enjoys living life, and enjoys doing
what you do, what kinds of things still

give you hope?

Well, I live a personal life of great
optimism and positiveness.

But I look around and I don't see a way
out for this species.

To me, using technology to fix the mess
made by technology is what we're

planning to do.

And it doesn't seem to fit for me. I
just see this thing as some of these

problems that exist as not really
having...

Certainly easy solutions. And it's
always a fix. It's always a band -aid.

seems that a lot of things we do for the
best intentions, especially when you

get to this field of engineering and
tampering with the physical world,

they seem to create more problems than
they fix.

I look at it and I think, wow.

I hope I live long enough to watch it
all collapse, just for the fun of it.

But I'm really kind of glad that I'm
closer to death than birth.

I really am, because presumably there
could be some really ugly

cataclysmic event.

I once said, if the world ever really
blows up...

I hope it happens east of me so that I
can watch on CNN for a long time before

the prevailing winds bring the thing
back around to me.

You know, I just a long time ago, I said
to myself, when you're born in this

world, you're given a ticket to the
freak show.

When you're born in America, you get a
front row seat.

Some people are the freaks. We have our
Tanya Harding's Joy Botafogo's Mike

Tyson's Michael Jackson's. Then there
are the people who merely watch the

freaks. And that's most of us most of
the time.

Then there are those of us who get to.

comment on the freak show, to review the
freak show.

I gotta tell you about the part of the
freak show I saw yesterday, folks. Oh,

yeah, and that's the guys like me.
People say, well, that's awfully

I say, no, no, no, no. It's realistic
and skeptical.

And to point it out isn't cynical. To
point it out is to be highly skeptical

cynical behavior.

And I think it's an important
distinction, because people like to just

word as if it's a bad thing.

And I know that cynical has more than
one meaning, and there is a cynical

there's a cynical aspect to what I do.

But I think there's a healthy realism in
it, too.

I hope.

I hope we're interfered with again by
the extraterrestrials, and this time

help, you know, in a big way. This time
they say, we're going to do another

genetic thing.

We're going to do it just like we did
when we brought you people. Suddenly you

had architecture.

Suddenly you could lift stones up and
build a pyramid. Suddenly you had a

mathematics. Suddenly you had all these
things. You never had them. Suddenly

they appeared. We're going to do that
again, and this time we're going to help

you folks again.

I just hope that happens, because then
all those dreams that I don't quite

have... for us could come true and that
would be the best thing, best surprise I

could get.