Original subtitles

Previously on Weeds.

Not coming to Vermont! You're not invited!

The SEC knows your fund is a sham.

A Ponzi scheme. They're gonna come after you.

You're really good at burning shit down.

I wore a wire for the SEC.

Shit. They'll get me on arson.

And he's missing, so, attempted murder.

I got to leave.

I'm Emma from Pouncy House.

What?

Pouncy House Party Rentals.

We're the big boy on the block.

A call comes in, Alex takes a code,

the code goes into the brain, where it becomes a sale.

How have we not met before?

This is gonna be a legitimate business.

The main space is all yours. Drug stuff in the back.

This isn't what I wanted.

I stole this from the police department.

Well, that was fast.

That's your competition.

I mean, how you gonna steal something

off a fucking computer, anyhow, right?

I mean, unless you print it out.

Put those on.

What the hell is this?

The computer.

Holy shit.

Say it. Just say it.

I'm at a loss, Silas. Well, you're a dick.

Happy you got laid, but guess what? You slept with the devil.

You hire the competition, tell her everything on her first day.

Basically, destroy our business. And she came in

and ruined my bike shop... Andy! Not now.

Wait. Slept with?

Thanks.

That was the girl from last night on the roof? Emma?

So, now they also know where we live.

Yeah, she's probably there right now.

The loft ceilings are an added challenge for her.

But she'll have an extension ladder. Scissor lift.

Crafty bitch must have a scissor lift.

You're not helping.

I'm not helping?

Might want to open a window in that glass house, Nancy.

Uh-uh. This is Silas.

Oh, yeah. Sure. No responsibility here.

I tried to tell you the other night I can't look at you...

but you were on a date.

Oh, my God! Stop blinding me, Or getting a pot delivery.

Miss Pure as the Driven Snow. Or having your prison lover...

Enough. Both of you.

The safe?

I never told her the combo.

That must be second date material.

Should I just strap on some gravity boots, pretend nothing's wrong?

You're the front business.

The front business exists because of the back business.

Without the back business, there would be no front business.

They took the Copenhagen Wheels.

Oh.

Sorry.

What was on this computer?

Customer names, codes, addresses, phone numbers...

So, everything.

We still have the phone.

Clients call in their orders, we'll start gathering info again.

They took everything that was not nailed down...

Up. And...

They left the phone?

Call it.

Silas' and Nancy's more important drug business.

Press one for an eighth of arrogance.

It's ringing.

Pouncy House Party Rentals.

Shit!

They stole our phone number.

So our customers are going to get Pouncy House.

Perfect.

I'm gonna take care of it.

Did you hear me? I'm gonna take care of it.

I heard you.

Press two for an ounce of misplaced hope.

And three for a kilo of unending, blind futility.

Beep.

Zoya? She's gone.

Got a call from her last night.

Something about a wire and Vermont.

A kennel, maybe?

Sounded like she was on a train or something.

She burns bright. And free.

I have something to show you.

Controlling your portions?

Zoya's tough on plates.

And bowls. Anything breakable, really.

I have a corporal friend.

Did a little extra scouting in the fields

near Kharjoy. Said it was beautiful there.

Then we bombed the shit out of it.

That's fantastic. Hope you have a safe place to store it?

I do. With you.

In return, I safely store your money.

I can't take this. Not now.

What happened to the girl begging me for 60 pounds?

She has competition. Muscling in. Stealing her customers.

Then we muscle back.

"We"?

I've got some friends sitting around, bored on base.

They'd welcome the opportunity to kick some ass.

Yeah, great.

A pack of post-traumatic stress soldiers,

that's the answer to my prayers.

I'm exposed on this one.

I owe now. So it's kind of both our problem.

You're confusing our arrangement. You sell to me.

I buy from you. That's it.

Maybe a little sex. But there's no "we," there's no

"our," there's no "us."

Fine.

You need to solve your problem today. Or I work on it myself.

Shane, can we talk about this later?

Ms. Botwin?

This is Detective Ouellette with the NYPD.

Why do you have my son's phone?

We need to talk.

I'm going to go find Emma.

Need you to make sure no one comes in or out today.

I'm sorry, Andy.

Everything is upside down. All so completely,

totally upside-down.

It's just a bike shop.

"It's just a bike shop."

I know that you want this to be a success. I get that.

But...

But, I'm never supposed to

actually achieve success?

Yes.

Yes, you are. But maybe not with this.

You sold, like six, in Denmark.

And four of them were returned.

One family who did not read the instructions.

I'm sorry, Mr. Bakovic, that my Danish to Serbian translations

weren't spot-on.

Yeah. You're right. I had no business plan. No reason to do well.

It's all fine. I'm...

I've seen that show, Life After People.

This will all be reclaimed by the Earth soon enough.

Nothing but swamp and moss,

weird-looking birds.

Maybe if you just stood up.

Yeah, come on, Andy. Just...

Stand up. Come on.

You upside down.

I am, Mr. Yu. Thanks for noticing.

All night you people here, make noise, upset turtles.

We're remodeling.

Come back soon.

I'm going to go talk to Emma.

Then we'll get this place cleaned up.

And we'll get your wheels back.

Okay. Go. Find Emma. Find whatever it is you want from her.

Vengeance. Peace. Success. Babies.

Hate.

Maybe you shouldn't sit alone in here all day.

It's so executive.

Open it.

Cubans?

Fuck Cubans.

Venezuelans.

Chavez has this private island off the coast.

He's got like, 20 kids there hand-rolling these fuckers.

That's awesome.

You earned these.

I can't believe we got them by their motherfucking goddamn pensions.

Serves 'em right, though. Government employees

trying to get fat without having to work for it.

You see all the hot girls in the lobby?

I'm interviewing for a new assistant.

Nice.

Doug Wilson.

Leave your resume. We'll be in touch.

Jolene Waite. I'm with the SEC. Nice to meet you.

I thought we were done with you guys.

Of course you did. Kick us to the curb, hope we'll move on.

Well, we're not over you. Sorry.

Well, we still have your pensions, remember?

Hard to forget. My boss is peeved.

Been chewing rear ends all morning, including mine.

That's why I'm here. Back on spreadsheet duty.

Spreadsheet duty?

Indeed. Gotta go through your files. Analyze your handling of our pensions.

You guys really crank the heat in here.

You don't trust us with your money?

Fool me once, shame on me, right?

We need to be properly funded.

And we need to be independent from the rest of your shammery.

Okay. I see. You're looking for a little old return on your investment.

What are you hoping for, doll? 10%? 20%?

I'm sure we can make something work.

Just bring me your records. I'll start sorting and highlighting.

Think I'll work there.

I don't like her.

I think you've got my son.

Who the hell are you?

Nancy Botwin.

Oh, Ms. Botwin.

Betz. Go get the car washed for me.

Ms. Botwin, I'm Mitch Ouellette.

Thanks for coming in.

Yeah, could we dispense with the parent-teacher conference crap?

I just wanna get my kid and go.

Shane told me you were a hard-ass.

Well...

Shane says a lot of stuff. You just got to take it all with a grain of salt.

Was he lying about his dads?

Have a seat.

You ever hear of Pouncy House Party Rentals?

I haven't had the chance to plan a lot of parties lately.

No, they're weed dealers.

Bunch of graduate students up at Columbia. Intellectual fucks.

Never been a major priority for us, frankly.

Good for them.

I caught Shane going through their files.

And when I confronted him with it, he got defensive.

And stopped answering my questions. Any idea why he would do that?

No. Are you asking as a detective or a child psychologist,

or a wanna-be parent trying to butt into other peoples' business?

Ms. Botwin, I got a boy of my own.

And enough God-awful, foul-smelling shit on my plate,

I don't need to play concerned parent with Shane.

Fine.

Sorry.

That being said, I would like to know that someone is concerned.

I promise you I am. Shane is not involved.

But if there's anything else that you think

or that you know, I'm happy to listen.

God, I wish my ex-wife talked like that.

But she'd rather shoot me than fuck me.

I think it's time you spoke with Shane.

That's a hell of an idea. Yeah.

Love it.

You warned me about the publicity.

And I barreled ahead, golden glitter in my eyes.

Heedless, reckless.

Stupid.

But you understand what I was aiming for, right? The Copenhagen Wheels.

Sure, they represented my beliefs

vis-a-vis modern urban planning.

But it was also my desire for a better Andy.

A driven, forward-moving Andy. In retrospect, it's textbook.

Me searching for a career in self-propulsion technology.

Sure.

But at the end of the day,

I fucked it all up.

Here she comes.

Stay in the van, I'll be right back.

Emma. Hi.

You heading to your 1:00 lecture

or are you heading to fuck someone over?

What?

First you fucked me. Thanks.

Then you fucked my business.

And then, randomly, my uncle's bike shop. Bravo.

Come on. You have to admit, the bike shop thing was pretty funny.

Is this some kind of big game to you?

No. It's business.

But we're Pouncy House so we have to have a little fun on top.

You're good at having fun on top, aren't you?

Come on now. We rolled a few times as I recall.

Hey! Hey!

This isn't over. Silas.

You guys lost. Game over.

I want my Copenhagen Wheels.

Give me my wheels. And an apology.

And fix my bike shop. No. Give me a new bike shop.

Seriously?

Do you not see the nail gun?

Yeah, that's kind of my point.

Get in the van. Get in the van or I shoot a nail in your face.

Andy. What are you... This is crazy.

No, no, no, no. I think not. Crazy would be sitting by,

letting her shit all over everything

and not shooting a nail in her face.

That's crazy.

Get in the van. Can we...

Calm down, we'll just talk about this.

You've been talking all morning.

You suck at it. No more talking.

Climbing. Van. Staying.

Come on, come on, come on, come on. This way. Okay.

It's not like you're gonna do anything, anyway. Not in broad daylight.

Hey, I'm murdering somebody. Killing them.

It's bad. Bloody. Does anybody care? No?

Living your myopic lives? Okay, cool.

See, nobody's pressing pause on their iPod for you.

Andy! Andy?

Do not get in the van.

Hey! This is not you.

Come on. You're no-violence-Andy, remember?

I remember nothing. Put your seatbelt on.

Andy. Don't "Andy" me.

Silas! Silas! Silas! Silas! Silas!

Can I at least get in the van with you?

It's not a van, it's a giant turd. I'm captaining a giant turd,

when I could be cruising down a bike lane

letting the Copenhagen magic zip-a-dee-doo-dah

my happy little ass around this gray island.

But party pants ruined it for everyone,

who still isn't wearing her seat belt.

Grab the buckle, put it in the clip.

Buckle...

Well, consider that your warning.

Hey, Andy!

You called my mom?

Grow some hair on your balls, Botwin.

I'll be in my office with the door open.

I know what you're going to say.

I bet you do.

But it's not so bad.

Actually, it is.

And at the risk of being predictable, Shane, what the fuck!

You're in jail.

Okay, so it's not ideal.

I just did three years. Three years,

so you wouldn't have to and here you are.

I know. I'm sorry. But I can handle this.

You and Silas, you're exactly alike.

I said I'm sorry. Jeez.

What did you tell the cops?

Nothing that will hurt us.

I can't believe this.

You get reception in here? Impressive.

Did you ever get bored in prison? Come on.

I feel like that would be the toughest thing.

To figure how to pass the time. What did you do?

I'll tell you later, come on.

Did you fight?

Only in self-defense.

Come on. Shane.

I just want you in college, just like,

chasing girls and cramming for finals.

Why don't you save that dream for Stevie.

No, that's not a dream. That's reality. That's gonna happen. Come on.

I'm gonna talk to Mitch.

He said you could just go home and then think about it.

With a lot of swearing.

Talking about his ex-wife.

Yeah. Gina's a bitch.

So, Klein didn't just disappear.

He disappeared with a lot of cash.

Like, "petty-cash," cash? Or "cash-cash," cash?

By the way, about Klein's disappearance...

You don't know what we're talking about.

Klein didn't just disappear. He disappeared with a lot of cash.

"Petty-cash," cash? Or "cash-cash," cash?

Hyper sensitive hearing. Enlarged stirrup in my inner-ear.

We expect you to cover for Klein.

Find excuses for his absence. Do what you got to do.

But do not let the public and the market catch on.

And replace that cash, obviously.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got this.

You can return to your highlighting and handicrafts out there.

Doug...

Klein was the cash guy. I don't have the same connections,

the same skill to get the money in.

I have come too far, Whit. I've worked too hard.

I've made too good a speech to let this die right now.

Okay, we need the money, I will get it. You hear me? I'll get it.

I was very clear. I spelled it out. I chose my words carefully.

So how do you not follow?

You called me a zit.

There's a zit.

And then there's the dirt and the oil and all the grime behind it.

You're the zit.

Great. Got it.

So, I'm about four feet and a power tool from doing anything here.

Well, your self-painted corner. Figure it out.

See, you're the manifestation. Not the root cause.

I'm sitting here asking myself. What is the root cause?

Where is all the oil and grime coming from in your life, Andy?

You've got a positive world outlook.

Why does the world not smile happy smiles in return?

Life's unfair?

Yeah, life's... No. Fuck. No. You're ruining my train of thought.

Pay attention. Yes. There's the good, there's the bad.

And when the bad comes and gets into your house, your bike shop,

and turns Wonderful Wonderful into Shit Shit,

is it your responsibility to clean it up? No. It is not.

Make the responsible parties clean that shit up.

Ha! That's it. That's what I'm saying.

You fucked this up. You fix it.

Silas let you fuck up his business.

He can fix it. Nancy and her shit. Let her fix it.

Or fuck it up more, whatever. I don't care.

Everybody go fuck themselves and fix their own problems.

That's the message in all this. Boom. Yes. Eat my ass, everybody.

Eat my ass, Silas.

Wait. How did you get in here? I locked the door.

You think I didn't have a key made?

Fine. My mistake. I'll take care of it. See?

Can you put down the nail gun?

Yeah, I'd love to. Once she fixes her mistake.

Silas, a little help, please.

Fuck it. Shoot her in the face.

That would be satisfying.

I suppose you have a key, too.

Yeah, of course.

Nance, Nance,

I need you to fix your problem.

Problems. Whatever they may be.

I'm not responsible. Okay?

Okay.

I thought you were gonna handle this. I am.

Yeah, looks like Andy is.

No. No.

Handling my problem. Not... You. Yours. Separate. Okay. Wait your turn.

Okay. Okay. I'm taking this away now. I'm taking this. All right?

I could've been killed. I know.

- Just like that. - Take this.

Just when I was figuring it out.

God damn it, world.

All right, come on. It's time to leave, Andy.

What? No. But she started it.

I know. Go home. Get some rest, okay?

Fine.

All right.

Wait. Where's my key?

Emma. So nice to finally meet you.

I must say, I was mildly impressed. Your little game of telephone,

very clever.

And this, cute. A bit indirect, but maybe you're still

searching for your signature style.

We were gonna go with skinny jeans

and scarves but you guys beat us to it.

And your attitude.

Brash.

Thing is, you've gotta make sure

you can back it up with something.

I can.

You think so?

You're a lawyer in training, right?

So you're good at arguing, manipulating people.

But you're probably 10 years out of braces,

and I'm pretty sure you haven't tried to raise three sons.

I don't see what that has anything to do...

You have no clue

what you're getting into.

Are you gonna shoot me or lecture me, mom?

There are whores

and there are cheap whores.

Tsk tsk.

I'll be back.

Guess it's my turn.

Shane's not involved.

Well, he's asking me about cover businesses,

he's reading about Pouncy House. You do the math, Ms. Botwin.

Shane's not involved. It's my older son, Silas.

Shane told me he took the folder to protect his older brother.

What's his connection with them?

He's just sleeping with some girl, um...

Emma.

She's one of them. And beyond that I don't know.

She's not just one of them. She's the boss.

Wow. I thought moving to the city would be a good idea.

I thought he was old enough to make his own decisions.

Older don't mean smarter.

I'm learning that.

God! How old is your son?

Credit to you guys.

You might be the most fucked-up family I've ever come across.

And I went to private school.

You're such a piece of shit.

Come on. I didn't intend to sleep with you.

I just got carried away.

You only intended to ruin my business.

And what were you doing when you decided

to push Denny out of our Wall Street turf?

You think we're just a pushover little outfit, right?

Mom and Son. That's so cute.

You have no idea.

Fourteen years later, all of a sudden it's step-son again.

Ugly fucking clausey modifier word.

Is he dating yet?

I don't know. Every time I ask him, he changes the subject.

Wow. God forbid, you should know he likes girls.

Yeah, I've seen a cute little blonde coming

to and from the house a couple of times.

Are you staking him out?

So you gotta get Silas away from these people.

He's not 17. I can't forbid him.

I'm warning you.

It starts with low-level pot dealing. And then it builds. Fast.

It's not going to end well if you keep fucking with us.

We'll take our chances.

Do you guys have a body count?

The Botwins do.

Even if we weren't here,

soon your business would implode spectacularly.

Models on bikes? Really?

Okay.

But we have the most important thing.

You think I'm not doing everything I can to steer him away?

Shane just blindly, just follows his older brother.

I'm doing everything I can but it's tough

as a single parent without help.

You asking for help?

From you? I wouldn't want anyone to get arrested.

Not my kids.

But if we made some arrests at Pouncy House...

You have the better pot.

But you have the better technology and distribution system.

Well, you have the evidence against them. I'm just saying.

We do. We only lacked the motivation

to push their file to the top of the stack.

Isn't Shane motivation enough?

No.

No, no, no. We're supplying the supply. We get a bigger cut.

Subtract cost from our percentage.

But we still get an extra two points for system overhead.

System overhead?

We should probably have more than one land line and one excel file.

Hey, the brain was solid.

I want that computer back.

Fine. Fine.

Fine.

One bust. Quick and dirty.

We get everybody we can.

Where you gonna do it?

Probably their store. And make sure your boy is not there.

I don't know how to thank you.

Just let Shane ride this out with me.

Call off the cavalry. I've solved our problem.

Hi, it's Nancy. Leave me a message.

Thought you might want to know. I solved our problem.

Call me.