Original subtitles

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

I say there, bobby, would you mind

removing your carcass?

You make a ghastly looking hood ornament.

T.C.!

All right, T.C., I caught you red-handed.

Where did you steal the car?

Steal? Steal? Now please, Dibble, haven't you heard?

You are speaking to Mr. Unlimited Credit.

DIBBLE: You?

I never look a gift horse in the mouth, Dibble.

Now if you'll excuse me, I got a date.

He's just too much. I can't handle him.

[ON TV] #You rang, sir?

MAN [ON TV]: #Yes, Crumbley...

#...my personal check for $1 million.

-#Take it.# -#Another million? Yes, sir.

-#The usual method of disposal?# MAN [ON TV]: #Exactly.

#Find some needy person and give it to him.

#As you wish, sir.

#They don't call him the Wacky Tycoon for nothing.

[MAN SOBBING]

It's all so touching.

Turn it off, Boswell. I can't take it.

Yes, Mr. Vanderfeller.

Why can't I do something nice like that Wacky Tycoon?

Why can't I give away a million dollars?

BOSWELL: Oh, you could, sir.

Except, we don't know a soul who's needy.

But surely there are some poor people left.

We could cruise around the city and look for a destitute person, sir.

An excellent idea, Boswell. Excellent.

I'll give a million dollars to the neediest schnook in the city.

As you wish, sir. I'll ring for the chauffeur.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: #So tune in next week...

#...for another episode of #The Wacky Tycoon#.

Boy, imagine getting a million dollars.

But why am I dreaming? It only happens on TV.

Yeah, must be one of them science-fiction programs.

Uh-oh. Hey, T.C., Dibble at 1 o'clock high.

Emergency, you guys! Prepare to submerge.

Funny. I could have sworn I heard T.C. and his bunch.

-I don't hear nothing. -I guess the coast is clear.

So let's go topside.

DIBBLE: What the--?

Okay, gang, take five and reassemble down at the alley.

DIBBLE: Help! Help!

Yee-ow!

[DIBBLE CRASHES]

Why, Officer Dibble, how nice of you to drop in.

-Put me down, Top Cat, or I'll-- -You heard the man, fellas.

TOP CAT: Doesn't seem to be anyone around.

Nothing on this side, either. I guess we lost Dibble.

Well, back to business.

You called, boss?

All right, all right, that's very cute with the totem-pole bit. But what's the idea?

We thought we'd make a different entrance for a change, T.C.

Yeah, well, everybody down and for a change...

...let's get down to business. Making our first million, that is.

And we're gonna do it by selling lots of raffle tickets.

Here, Benny, distribute the books among the boys.

But why do we have to wear these rags, T.C.?

Brain, how many times must I go over

the psychology of raffle selling?

The worse you look, the more you'll sell.

CHOO-CHOO: We're in, man. We're the sorriest looking cats in town.

Uh, one other thing, T.C.

You still haven't told us what we're raffling off.

Yeah, like, what's the prize?

[STAMMERS] Prize? What prize? Oh, yeah.

The holder of the winning ticket gets his money back.

Now, here are your territories. Fancy-Fancy, Park Avenue.

FANCY: #Right, boss.# - Spook, beatnik coffeehouse.

SPOOK: #Gotcha, T.C.# -Hold it, T.C.

-Here comes the law. -Officer Dibble.

Emergency stations, everybody, on the double.

-Benny, hide the evidence. -Right, T.C.

TOP CAT: All right, group, all together now.

And a one, a two:

[ALL SINGING "CAMPTOWN RACES"]

All right, all right. What's going on here?

DIBBLE: Knock it off.

All right, take five, music lovers.

Ain't you guys pushing the season a little?

The track don't open till July, you know.

We were just rehearsing a number for the police benefit, Dib.

Police benefit? There's no benefit.

There's bound to be one soon.

Policemen are always holding benefits.

Yeah? Well, you better get this alley cleaned up first.

It's a mess.

Why blame us? Blame our environment.

Well, your environment is gonna be fined 50 bucks...

...if this place ain't spotless.

And another thing, what are you doing in those old clothes?

Oh, these? Well, we're on our way downtown to donate them to the poor.

DIBBLE: Is that so?

And what do you intend wearing on the way home? Nothing?

Why, I hadn't thought of that, Dibble.

Fellas, can you see us walking through Times Square in our--

Oh, the humiliation! Dib, you're a pal.

You know something? You are a real friend to the downtrodden.

I am? Really?

TOP CAT: Sure, Dibble.

Well, thanks, T.C.

I'll see you around, fellas.

Poor fella. So hungry for a scrap of praise.

Remind me to send him a Valentine's Day card. All right, recreation's over.

Everybody grab a pile of books and let's go to work.

You stick with me, Benny. You're inexperienced...

...and you might as well learn from the master.

Right, master.

Gee, T.C., we've been out over an hour.

Business ain't been too good.

We'll stop in at Schultz's Delicatessen next.

I can always unload a few books there.

Rest your tootsies, Benny.

I'll be back in a flash with the cash.

Hi, Schultzy, old boy. How are the pig's knuckles moving?

[SCHULTZ CHASES TOP CAT]

Hold it, Schultz, hold it! Take it easy!

[TOP CAT CRASHES]

You all right, T.C.?

Why, the nerve of that guy, throwing me out.

When I think of all the potato salad I've bought from him...

...it just shakes my faith in humanity.

True, I never paid cash, but..

Oh, well. Let's try the shop next door.

You mean Lou's Haberdashery?

One of my most treasured friends.

It'll be a cinch to sell him a ticket.

I certainly appreciate you helping me today, honey.

Oh, don't mention it, darling. That's what wives are for.

Now about that trip to Florida..

But, sweetheart, I told you business has been rotten.

MILDRED: It's bound to pick up. Here come two customers now.

TOP CAT: Hi, Lou, old pal.

Top Cat? Quick, the cash register!

Where's the 10 bucks you owe me, Top Cat?

I just put it into the mail. But let me tell you...

...every time I wear those silk pajamas I think of you, Lou.

-Yeah? What do you want? TOP CAT: I don't want nothing.

As a matter of fact, I've come to give you something.

Uh, Benny, hand me the lucky book. This man deserves a break.

Oh, no you don't, T.C.

You're not selling me any more raffle books.

Mildred, keep your eye on the petty-cash box...

...while I throw this loafer out.

-Okay. TOP CAT: Oh, pardon me, Lou.

I didn't know your daughter was in the store.

[LAUGHING]

I'm afraid you're mistaken. I'm his wife.

His wife? Really.

I thought there were laws against marrying 16-year-olds.

Tell me, what's new in Hollywood?

Hollywood?

Of course, you are in pictures, aren't you? Oh, such beauty.

Didn't I see you in #Ben-Hur#, the bathing scene?

It won't work, T.C.

MILDRED: Shut up, Lou!

Please continue, sir. You were saying?

I was saying that you should go see my Uncle Sam.

Sam Goldwyn, that is.

He's in town looking for a female star, somebody like you.

Earthy beauty, maturity, appeal.

Just tell him that Top Cat sent you over.

Oh, thank you! And please, sir...

...let me buy some of your books. It's the least I can do.

Mildred, are you out of your mind?

MILDRED: Shut up, Lou! Don't try to talk me out of a career.

Here's your money, Mr. Top Cat.

TOP CAT: Thank you, Zsa Zsa.

Better keep her out of sight, Lou. All those male customers.

She's a temptress in disguise, you know.

All right, Benny, you've had your lesson in salesmanship.

-Any questions? -Just one.

Do I have to fib like that?

Ooh! Fib is such an ugly word.

Think of it as a little white lie, Benny.

Well, okay. I'll try it, T.C.

TOP CAT: Good, good. Now, you work this side of the street...

...and I'll try the other. This is your big chance, Benny boy.

-Don't flub it. -You can count on me, T.C.

I know it, pal. I know it. I'll see you later.

Pardon me, kind sir, would you like to buy--

MAN: No.

Gee, maybe I ought to take some more lessons from Top Cat.

Oh, boy, there's a dime down there.

This is my lucky day.

It's most discouraging.

Everyone is so prosperous.

Oh, for the good old days of the Depression.

Here I am with a million dollars to give away...

...and I can't find anybody poor enough.

Ah, there he is. There's my man.

Stop the car, Brinkley.

[TIRES SCREECH]

I got it!

Aw, shucks, it fell off.

You there, ragamuffin. May I have a word with you?

Oh, no, you don't. It's my dime. I saw it first.

VANDERFELLER: I don't want the dime, you unfortunate fellow.

You keep it.

Gee, thanks. By the way, would you like to buy a raffle ticket?

A raffle? You are needy, aren't you?

Oh, yeah. According to T.C., we're the neediest.

T.C.? Who's T.C.?

Top Cat. He takes care of us.

You mean there are others?

Uh-huh. Six altogether.

Sometimes the alley gets pretty crowded.

VANDERFELLER: The alley?

Oh, you poor unfortunate creatures. That settles it.

Here's a check for $1 million made out to Top Cat.

Here. Take it to him.

-Gee, thanks, mister. VANDERFELLER: You're welcome.

All right, Brinkley. Let's go home.

TOP CAT: Well, any bites?

I hear the flounders are running well.

Hi, T.C. Guess what.

Surprise me. You ran out of books.

No, but look at this check.

TOP CAT: Don't tell me. A check for a 25-cent raffle?

How cheap can people get?

Always take cash, Benny. Coin of the realm.

BENNY: But you don't understand, T.C.

-This check is for-- -Suckers. That's who it's for.

You try to cash it at the bank and see

who bounces faster, you or the check.

I don't know, Benny. I keep trying and trying...

...but I don't think I'll ever make a big tycoon out of you.

Or a little one, or even a compact-size one.

-Benny. -Oh, hi, Mr. Lou.

What are you doing here, Benny? Casing the joint for Top Cat?

No. I'm cashing a check for him. It's a million dollars.

A million dollars, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

I gotta hand it to T.C. He's sure got a sense of humor.

All right, young man, what can I do for you?

BENNY: I wanna cash this check, please.

Oh, boy, this is gonna be good.

TELLER: Holy mackerel! A million dollars.

And it's signed by T.L. Vanderfeller.

-You mean the check is good? -Good as gold.

I'd recognize Mr. Vanderfeller's signature anywhere.

Can I have the million dollars in small bills?

TELLER: I'm sorry, sir. You can't have

a penny until the check is endorsed.

Endorsed?

This Top Cat person has to sign his name on the back.

BENNY: Okay, I'll be back later.

So long, Lou. I gotta go find Top Cat.

Yeah, sure, sure.

How do you like that? Top Cat is a millionaire.

Wait till Schultz hears about this.

SCHULTZ: Two million dollars?

And I had the nerve to kick him out of my store.

Hang up now, Lou. I spread the word around.

Honest Injun's Used Car Lot. Honest John speaking.

[MUMBLING OVER PHONE]

Top Cat has $5 million?

First thing to do is notify the Merchants Association.

We can't let that money get out of the neighborhood!

Thanks for the tip, Schultzy pal.

I'll be watching for him.

I guess I was a little hard on Benny, but..

I mean, after all, taking a check for two bits

is a little too naive.

Ah! Top Cat, my old buddy! How are you?

Now, don't get sore, Lou. I don't have the 10 bucks with me, but I assure you--

Don't mention it, pal. A mere drop in the bucket. Forget it!

I promise you'll have it-- Uh, forget it?

LOU: Sure, sure.

Say, buddy, that hat's in pretty bad shape. You could use a new one.

True, true. But frankly, at the moment

I'm flirting with bankruptcy.

Bankruptcy? You?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, boy, that's a hot one!

I didn't realize that poverty was so humorous.

Say, why don't we step into the store. I got a new shipment from Europe.

What about my credit rating?

LOU: Up to a million. Get it? Up to a million.

[LOU LAUGHS]

LOU: What did I tell you, T.C.? You look great.

Thanks, Lou. Send a dozen more over to the alley...

...and put it on my bill, will you, pal?

You bet, Mr. Top Cat.

Nice man, that Lou, nice man.

I hope he wins the raffle.

Hi, Top Cat. I was just thinking about you.

Glad you dropped in.

TOP CAT: It was the hand of fate.

Eh, take a look at that, T.C. Ain't it a beaut?

The latest thing in sports cars.

Built from the ground up by pygmies. Ain't it cute?

Oh, it's adorable. Now just put me down and I'll be on my way.

But, T.C., you don't wanna leave without a car.

Oh, well, don't go by these garments. I couldn't make the payment

on a secondhand pair of roller skates.

Ha-ha-ha! That's such modesty.

But I know the bracket you're in. Yes, indeed.

Now, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna give you this car, T.C...

...for only 2000 bucks, plus $500 delivery charge.

You can't beat it, T.C. Three hundred horsepower engine...

...four-speed shifts, and six months' hospitalization.

Oh! A giveaway. Perhaps when my ship comes in.

HONEST JOHN: Aha! So you've already bought a boat, huh?

Well, come on, admiral.

Try this for size.

-Hey, it fits. HONEST JOHN: Like a glove.

The key's in the dashboard, T.C.

Now, break it in easy, huh? Don't go over 140.

You mean it's mine? Well, thanks a million.

Now you're talking.

And this afternoon, I'll send you your spare.

-Spare tire? -No, spare car.

What is there about me that makes people wanna give me things?

It must be my lovable personality, what else?

Well, wait till the gang sees this.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

I say there, bobby, would you mind removing your carcass?

You make a ghastly looking hood ornament.

T.C.!

All right, T.C., I caught you red-handed.

-Where did you steal the car? -Steal? Steal?

Now, please, Dibble, haven't you heard?

You are speaking to Mr. Unlimited Credit.

DIBBLE: Unlimited Credit? You?

All the storeowners must be off their rockers.

I never look a gift horse in the mouth, Dibble.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a date.

He's just too much. I can't handle him.

Oh, yes. It was a gasser of a party. Too bad you missed it.

Let's see now. There was Frankie and Dino and Marlon.

-Marlon? -You know Marlon?

Do I know Marlon?

Why, I knew him when you could understand what he was saying.

Ooh! You must really live an exciting life, T.C.

TOP CAT: Oh, yes. But every once in a while, on the Riviera...

...I pace madly around my villa and I say to myself:

"T.C., what does it all mean, you rich devil?

Why don't you find yourself a nice, plain glamour girl...

...and settle down?"

Well, here we are, my townhouse.

Boy, it looks like an alley.

Yeah. Fools everyone. It's the service entrance to the Waldorf.

The only way I can avoid the reporters and panhandlers.

Now remember, wax the car, pick me up at 8, and we'll live it up.

We'll live it up, up, up.

BRAIN: Hey, is that you, T.C.?

Oh, no.

What happened, pal?

I hardly know you in all those fancy duds.

And where did you get the car, T.C.?

Will you give me a ride, huh?

Hey, who's that odd person?

It's, uh, one of my family retainers. Been with us for years.

Gosh, T.C., you must have really sold raffles.

Raffles?

Uh, uh, yeah, Raffles, the name of my French poodle.

He was getting too big for the penthouse.

Uh, run along to the tobacco shop and buy me something to smoke.

But you got a whole canful of butts stashed in the trash can.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Very funny, Gibes, very funny.

Now run along, ladies. I'll see you later.

Brain, I told you a hundred times, speak only when you're spoken to.

I tried it once, T.C., but nobody ever spoke to me.

What is this? I must have come to the wrong address.

This is the place, T.C. All this stuff is for you.

It's like cool Yule, man. It keeps pouring into the pad.

What's up, T.C.? You been shaking down the whole town?

Not quite. It's just that a few merchants have had a miraculous change of heart.

-It had to come. MAN 1: Top Cat residence?

-That's right, bud. -Acme Plumbing.

Where do you want this bathtub?

TOP CAT: Under the hi-fi will be fine.

Gee, T.C., you own a private swimming pool.

-Can I go in? TOP CAT: But fill it first.

And remember, no bathing in the raw. First guy I catch...

...going in with sneakers gets sent to the locker room.

MAN 2: Eh, pardon, monsieur. Dinner is being served...

...with the compliments of Schultz's Delicatessen.

Good old Schultz. He finally realized what a swell guy I am.

Won't you join me, gentlemen?

I can't get over it, T.C.

It's like you had a million dollars.

Does peanut butter go good with caviar?

Try it, Brain. Who knows?

Maybe you'll invent a new-type sandwich.

Hey, T.C., I've been looking all over for you.

TOP CAT: Benny, welcome to Shangri-La.

I couldn't cash your check, T.C.

You got to endorse it first. You know, on the back.

Benny, please, don't burden me with such paltry sums.

Are you trying to embarrass me in front of this distinguished group?

Here, give it to me. A check for two bits. Big deal.

BENNY: But, T.C., it's for--!

Go watch TV, will you? Maybe #Yogi Bear# is on.

What's going on here, T.C.?

Oh, I get it.

All this stuff. You've become a fence.

Sorry, Dib. It's strictly legit. On credit.

You know, nothing down and let them try to collect.

DIBBLE: Yeah? Well, prosperity hasn't changed your personality.

You're still a litterbug.

How about some Baked Alaska, Dibble?

Topped with peanut butter, it makes an elegant dessert. Ask Brain.

Bribing an officer, huh? Well, I'll be back.

And if that paper ain't picked up, it's the paddy wagon for you.

All right, you heard him.

Don't just sit there, you guys. Clean it up! Clean it up!

LOU: Okay, fellas, all together now.

[ALL SINGING "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW"]

#And the richest guy on our block

Very, very touching.

Welcome, friends, Romans, and creditors.

T.C., we just had a meeting of the Merchants Association.

TOP CAT: As of today, my favorite group.

And we have a big surprise for you, T.C.

As executive officer of the election committee...

...it is my pleasure to announce...

...that you have been nominated as our honorary president.

Gentlemen, you shouldn't have.

But what can I say? Thanks. Thanks a million.

HONEST JOHN: Eh, now, uh, Mr. President...

...one of our group's functions is to help the needy.

Oh, yes. A good idea.

I remember what it was to be poor. Seems like only yesterday.

-It was yesterday. TOP CAT: #So it was, so it was.

Oh, my, how time flies.

We happen to be in the midst of a fundraising drive. And since--

TOP CAT: Say no more, pal. I understand perfectly.

Here. And promise me there won't be any publicity.

-Thirty-eight cents? -Don't worry.

I still have something left. And now, if you fellas will excuse me...

...I'm expecting my barber.

What's going on this time? The alley is getting to be a regular convention hall.

And I thought I told you to pick up that trash, T.C. Hey, it says a million dollars!

And it's signed by T.L. Vanderfeller, the billionaire.

I tried to tell you the check was for a million dollars, T.C.

[STUTTERING] A--? A--?

And I tore it up! I thought it was for 25 cents!

Did you hear that? He tore up the check!

-No million dollars, no car. -And no clothes!

Now, hold it, fellas, fellas! As your president--

MERCHANTS: Aw, shut up!

LOU: Give me my hat!

Hey, T.C., they're taking the food.

And the rug.

Oh, no, you don't, Lou. The shorts are paid for.

Hey, like, what's going on?

There they go. They've taken everything back.

Hey, wait a minute. The pieces.

We'll paste the check together. Where's the trash can?

BENNY: It was here a few minutes ago.

I think the garbage man just picked it up.

TOP CAT: Stop the truck!

Give me back my million dollars!

CHOO-CHOO: Hold that trash!

TOP CAT: Stop! Stop! Come back with that garbage!

Tsk, tsk, tsk! Poor beggars. How hungry can you get?

TOP CAT: Any luck yet, fellas?

SPOOK: Sorry, T.C. I can't find a thing.

Well, keep looking. It's gotta be here. Keep looking!

BENNY: Hey, T.C., our worries are over.

Benny, my best friend, you found it!

No, but I found two empty soda bottles.

There's a two-cent deposit on each one.

Oh, boy.

Fellas, it's gotta be here, my million dollars!

Now keep looking, fellas. Keep looking and keep digging!