Original subtitles

AH HA HA HA!

GOOD EVENING, CULTURE VULTURES,

AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER INSTALLMENT

OF MASH-TO-PIECES THEATRE.

AH HA HA HA HA!

TONIGHT WE ASK THE QUESTION,

TO BE, OR NOT TO BE?

OR IN THIS CASE,

AN ACTOR STUCK WITH AN AVERAGE FACE

WHO'S SO SICK AND TIRED OF AUDITIONING

HE'S WILLING TO DO ALMOST ANYTHING.

DID I SAY "ALMOST"?

HA HA HA HA!

I CALL THIS SICKENING SAGA TOP BILLING.

DOES HE STILL HAVE A DRUG PROBLEM?

JUST TELL ME, CELIA, DOES HE?

I WAS TOLD HE'S FINISHED WITH REHAB,

AND NOW I HEAR THAT HE'S NOT.

GET BACK TO ME WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HIM, OK?

WHAT?

YEAH, SURE, I DATED HIM, BUT IT WAS YEARS AGO...

A WHOLE FUCKIN' LIFETIME BEFORE ALL THIS DRUG STUFF.

YEAH, HE WAS OK IN BED.

I MEAN, HE WASN'T GREAT, BUT THEN AGAIN, WHO IS?

ALL RIGHT, I'VE GOT TO RUN, HONEY.

SO YOU'LL GET BACK TO ME?

ALL RIGHT.

I'M DEALING WITH SUCH SCHMUCKS. SUCH SCHMUCKS!

JENNY! DID LEON EVER CALL?

JENNY!

JENNY!

LEON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHERE'S JENNY?

JENNY'S DEAD...

AND YOU'RE NEXT, BITCH!

NO, DON'T, LEON. DON'T.

THE SILENT SCREAM IS THE LOUDEST.

UNH! UNH!

THAT'S GREAT.

THANKS FOR COMING IN.

THAT... THAT'S IT?

YEAH, YOU'RE TERRIFIC,

BUT YOU'RE NOT QUITE WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU NEED? I'M AN ACTOR.

I NEED SOMEONE HEAVIER.

I CAN WEAR PADDING.

I DON'T MEAN HEAVIER. I MEAN BIGGER.

LOOK, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I NEED THIS JOB.

I KNOW YOU DO, BUT YOU'RE WRONG FOR THE PART.

I NEED A KILLER!

OK, HOW'S THIS? I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY,

I HAVEN'T EATEN IN A WEEK, AND I NEED THIS FUCKING JOB!

GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.

BUT I NEED SOMEONE PHYSICALLY LARGER, WITH A TAN!

Man: SHE'S DEAD. JENNY'S DEAD.

AND YOU'RE NEXT, BITCH!

Man: JENNY'S DEAD, AND YOU'RE NEXT, BITCH.

FUCK!

FUCK. SHIT.

NO, NO!

BARRY?

BARRY BLYE.

YEAH, HI, WINTON. HOW YOU DOING?

I'M FINE. HOW THE HELL ARE YOU?

OH, HOW'S LISA?

SHE'S STILL THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

HEY, REMEMBER THAT RAT HOLE WE ALL LIVED IN?

YEAH, I SURE DO. WE STILL LIVE THERE.

WELL, IT'S NICE CHATTING WITH YOU, WINTON.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER. I GOT TO GO.

OH, COME ON, BARRY.

YOU CAN'T STILL BE ANGRY WITH ME BECAUSE I WORK FOR A LIVING.

OH, SURE, I CAN.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, WINTON,

ON YOUR RESUMÉ, DOES IT STILL SAY ACTOR?

HA HA HA!

GOD, YOU CRACK ME UP, YOU KNOW THAT?

HAVEN'T YOU GOT IT YET?

THIS BUSINESS DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ACTING.

ALL RIGHT, JUST GET AWAY FROM ME, ALL RIGHT?

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA LEARN AN ACTOR IS ONE WHO ACTS,

NOT ONE WHO COLLECTS UNEMPLOYMENT?

JUST GET AWAY!

IF YOU'D SPEND A LITTLE LESS MONEY ON CLASSES

AND MORE ON SOME DECENT CLOTHES, AND MAYBE...

MAYBE SOME BLUE CONTACT LENSES,

YOU MIGHT WORK FOR A CHANGE.

YEAH? WELL, I'VE SEEN YOUR "WORK," WINTON.

LET ME TELL YOU, I REALLY LOVED THAT COMMERCIAL YOU DID...

YOU KNOW, THAT LITTLE TANGO YOU DID

ON TOP OF A DISPOSABLE DOUCHE.

SURE. I DO COMMERCIALS.

I GOT 50 GRAND LAST YEAR FOR ONE SPOT ALONE.

I DON'T DO, OK?

I ACT.

THIS IS HAMLET. IT'S ABOUT ACTING.

AVENUE "D" AT CANAL?

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF THEATER WOULD BE DOWN THERE?

ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GO.

BARRY, YOU'RE 35 YEARS OLD.

HOW MUCH LONGER ARE YOU GOING TO DO

FREE THEATER THAT NO ONE WANTS TO SEE?

HMM?

HAMLET DOESN'T NEED AN AUDIENCE.

IT'S A CLASSIC.

WELL, MAYBE SO,

BUT LISA DESERVES BETTER, BARRY.

BARRY, BARRY, BARRY.

MEL CAN DO SHAKESPEARE,

BUT MEL HAS THE LOOK.

JESUS CHRIST! I AM A HELL OF AN ACTOR!

I'M A LOT MORE TALENTED THAN A LOT OF THOSE ASSHOLES

OUT THERE MAKING IT. GUYS LIKE WINTON ROBINS.

OH, NO, WINTON ROBINS HAS A FACE.

HE HAS THE LOOK.

AND I HAVE TALENT!

WELL, YES, TALENT'S NICE, TOO,

BUT YOU HAVEN'T GOT THE LOOK.

YOU COULD HAVE THE LOOK.

I INTRODUCED YOU TO THAT PLASTIC SURGEON.

I'M NOT A PROSTITUTE.

I'M NOT GOING TO ALTER MY FACE.

LOOK, YOU'RE AN AGENT. YOU JUST DO YOUR JOB.

YOU JUST CALL THESE PEOPLE UP

AND YOU GET ME THIS PART, ALL RIGHT?

HEY, LOOK, BARRY,

I'VE BEEN IN THE BUSINESS A LONG TIME.

I'VE SEEN THEM COME, AND I'VE SEEN THEM GO.

AND, BARRY, I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO.

SO YOU'RE...

YOU'RE JUST LETTING ME GO. JUST LIKE THAT.

WELL, HEY, DREAMS ARE GREAT...

BUT I GOT EXPENSES.

SO I THINK IT'S TIME

YOU FIND SOME REPRESENTATION

MORE SUITABLE TO YOUR NEEDS.

FINE.

I'LL GET THE PART MYSELF.

AND I'LL BE BRILLIANT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA TAKE MY RAVE REVIEWS

AND MY $250 A WEEK AND SHOVE 'EM DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROAT!

USE... USE THE GODDAMN FREIGHT ELEVATOR, ASSHOLE.

I JUST CLIMBED 5 FLIGHTS!

I'M TALKING TO YOU!

THAT'S MY STEREO.

THAT'S MY APARTMENT!

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

BARRY? OH, BARRY...

LISA, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I'M JUST TAKING WHAT'S MINE

AND ENOUGH OF YOUR STUFF

TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT YOU OWE ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I...

YOU'RE A LOSER.

I PROMISED MR. KROGER A FEW THINGS,

AND HE AGREED NOT TO HAVE YOU THROWN IN JAIL FOR VAGRANCY.

IT'S OVER, BARRY.

I'M MOVING IN WITH BRUNO.

BRUNO?

WE MET IN CLASS.

UM, BARRY, BRUNO...

Bruno, Barry.

LISA, I LOVE YOU.

OH. YEAH.

LOOK, WE'VE GOT TO GO.

I LEFT SOME CHICKEN IN THE FRIDGE FOR YOU.

CHICKEN?

WE COULD STILL BE FRIENDS.

GOD... EXCUSE ME!

Kroger: YOU ARE A LOSER.

Man: SPARE CHANGE?

OH, YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING.

UH, EXCUSE ME, IS THIS THE THEATER...

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M HERE TO AUDITION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

THIS AUDITION IS FOR HAMLET.

I CAME DOWN TO MAKE A POINT TO YOU.

I BET YOU STAYED UP ALL NIGHT READING THE PLAY.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I DID!

YOU DON'T WALK INTO A HAMLET AUDITION COLD, YOU IDIOT!

IT'S POETRY, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

THE PART REQUIRES AN ACTOR, WINTON, NOT A FACE.

FINE. AND HAD THIS BEEN A THEATER,

I BET YOU I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE PART.

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND, BARRY.

UH, IS THIS HAMLET?

NO, IT'S SHANGRI-LA. DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE IT?

AND I'M THE DALAI LAMA.

LET ME GUESS. YOU'RE HERE TO AUDITION?

WELL, YES.

YES, I AM.

WELL, DON'T JUST STAND AROUND.

ACTORS.

OUCH.

ALAS, POOR YORICK.

I KNEW HIM, HORATIO,

A FELLOW OF INFINITE JEST,

EXCELLENT IN FANCY, HE HATH...

NO! NO! NO! NO!

IT'S WRONG!

IT'S ALL WRONG!

HAMLET IS HOLDING IN HIS HANDS THE SKULL OF YORICK.

HE SEES WHAT 20 YEARS OF ROTTING IN THE GROUND

HAVE DONE TO HIS FRIEND.

THAT IS WHY HE IS SO UPSET.

WHO? YORICK?

NO, YOU DUNCE!

HAMLET!

HAMLET! HAMLET.

YOU PICK UP THE SKULL.

YOU LOOK AT IT.

YOU TALK TO IT.

YOU EVEN KISS IT.

MMM! MMM!

HERE. KISS IT.

OH, KISS IT. KISS IT. KISS IT.

BUT IT'S PLASTIC.

OH, YOU WON'T KISS PLASTIC, WILL YOU?

GET OFF OF MY STAGE!

DO YOU HEAR ME?

PLASTIC.

BEAKS! WE'VE LOST ANOTHER ONE!

WHERE? WHERE ARE MY PROPS?

YES, YOUR BLOATEDNESS.

SEARCHING. SEARCHING.

SEARCHING.

SEARCHING!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE AN ACTOR! I COMMAND YOU TO ACT!

I DON'T HAVE ANY LINES.

THAT'S NO EXCUSE. LIVING IS ACTING.

BEING IS ACTING.

THIS IS THE GRAVEDIGGER SCENE.

YOU'RE A GRAVEDIGGER. DIG!

OR I'LL RAM THIS SHOVEL DOWN YOUR PUTRID LITTLE THROAT!

DIG!

JESUS. THAT IS ONE TOUGH DIRECTOR.

HE'S DEMANDING. I RESPECT THAT.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M HERE TO AUDITION FOR THE ROLE OF HAMLET.

WHAT?

WHAT?

WHO BROKE MY CONCENTRATION?

EVERYONE!

EVERYONE OUT OF MY SIGHT!

YOU TWO, COME TO MY OFFICE.

THANK YOU.

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

I AM NELSON HALLIWELL,

DIRECTOR OF STAGE AND SCREEN.

AND IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, SIR.

I'M BARRY BLYE.

I'M HERE TO AUDITION FOR HAMLET.

WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE, I'M HIGHLY QUALIFIED FOR THE PART.

I HAVE EXTENSIVE QUALIFICATIONS.

I'VE DONE THE PART IN SEVERAL WORKSHOPS

AND I KNOW THE ENTIRE ROLE BY HEART.

DO YOU?

AND DO YOU KNOW THAT WE ARE PLANNING

THE MOST STIRRING PRODUCTION OF HAMLET EVER?

I WANT TO BRING TO THE STAGE A HAMLET

THAT WILL LOOK AND FEEL AND BE SO REAL

THAT THE PEOPLE WILL STUMBLE FROM THEIR SEATS,

TUMBLE FROM THE THEATER,

THEIR MINDS REELING,

AND RETCH THEIR GUTS UPON THE CURB.

YUCK. IT'S ALL YOURS, BARRY.

BREAK A LEG. BREAK BOTH.

YOU! YES?

HIGH CHEEKBONES, FAIR SKIN, SLIGHTLY FROSTED HAIR.

YOU MUST BE DANISH.

ACTUALLY, I'M POLISH.

PERFECT! I KNEW IT!

THE PART IS YOURS.

WHAT? WHAT?

I SAID, YOUNG MAN, THE PART IS YOURS!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE LEAVING.

NOT ANYMORE. I'M HAMLET.

Barry: BUT YOU DIDN'T EVEN READ HIM!

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE CAN READ!

HALLIWELL HAS CHOSEN!

YOUNG MAN, THERE'S A DRESSING ROOM FOR YOU DOWN THE HALL.

BUT THIS IS HAMLET!

HOW CAN YOU CAST THIS ASSHOLE?!

HE HAS THE LOOK.

HA HA! WHAT DID I TELL YOU, BARRY? HUH?

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS PLAY.

OH, I KNOW ONE THING... I'VE GOT THE PART. HA HA!

YOU SON OF A BITCH.

SON OF A BITCH!

EVERYONE! CENTER STAGE, EVERYONE!

QUICKLY, QUICKLY.

GATHER AROUND, GATHER TOGETHER TO MEET OUR NEW ACTOR.

BEAKS, SEE THAT HE'S OUTFITTED PROPERLY.

SHOW HIM HIS DRESSING ROOM.

WELCOME HIM TO THE GROUP.

QUICKLY, QUICKLY. QUICKLY, EVERYONE.

NO TIME TO WASTE.

NO TIME TO WASTE.

Beaks: ONLY FIVE MINUTES, EVERYBODY!

PLEASE! I MUST BE ALONE NOW.

QUICKLY. OUT.

"FROM THIS TIME FORTH, MY THOUGHTS BE BLOODY,

OR BE NOTHING WORTH."

AHH.

"THUS CONSCIENCE DOTH MAKE COWARDS OF US ALL."

CAME TO CONGRATULATE ME, DID YOU?

WELL, I HOPE YOU LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY, BARRY.

YOU'RE OVERDUE, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, THIS ISN'T ABOUT ART.

IT'S ABOUT COMMERCE. IT'S ABOUT PEOPLE

STANDING IN LINE AND BUYING TICKETS.

IT'S ABOUT PRODUCT. HA HA HA!

IF YOU INVESTED HALF AS MUCH ENERGY

INTO THE BUSINESS SIDE OF THINGS

AS YOU DO IN MAINTAINING

THAT STUPID STRUGGLING ARTISTE CRAP, YOU...

WHAT THE HELL?

AAH!

AGGH!

WHY?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?

"HOW NOW, A RAT? YOU'RE DEAD FOR A DUCAT!"

THAT'S HAMLET, SHITHEAD! ACT III, SCENE IV!

HAMLET? I'M NOT HAMLET!

YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

OH!

♪ A PICKAXE AND A SPADE ♪

♪ A SPADE ♪

♪ FOR AND A SHROUDING SHEET ♪

♪ OH, A PIT OF CLAY FOR TO BE MADE ♪

♪ FOR SUCH A GUEST IS MEET ♪

THAT'S HOW I'D LIKE IT DONE!

PROPS! WHERE'S THE PROP FOR THE GRAVEDIGGER SCENE?

I'M WORKING ON IT!

THEY DON'T GROW ON TREES!

MR. HALLIWELL.

YES? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

DON'T YOU SEE YOU'RE INTERRUPTING A REHEARSAL?!

WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND?

HE SHOULD BE ON THE STAGE THIS INSTANT!

I'M AFRAID HE LEFT, MR. HALLIWELL.

LEFT? A HALLIWELL PRODUCTION?

THE WORST CASE OF STAGE FRIGHT I'VE EVER SEEN.

HE WAS TOTALLY BLUE.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

WELL, I'D LIKE TO SUGGEST MYSELF FOR THE PART, SIR.

OH, NO, NO! YOU'RE ALL WRONG!

YOU DON'T HAVE THE LOOK.

I'M AN ACTOR, MR. HALLIWELL.

I CAN GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT.

NO, NO, NO, NO... YES!

IF I CHANGE MY INTERPRETATION SLIGHTLY...

WELL, THEN THE PART IS YOURS!

BEAKS! BEAKS!

YOU MEAN IT? I'M CAST?

YES. SHOW OUR NEW MEMBER TO HIS DRESSING ROOM, BEAKS!

HA HA! YOU WON'T REGRET IT, MR. HALLIWELL.

HO HO! WE OPEN!

"SPEAK THE SPEECH, I PRAY YOU,

"AS I PRONOUNCED IT TO YOU, TRIPPINGLY ON THE TONGUE..."

OH!

"BUT IF YOU MOUTH IT,

"AS MANY OF YOUR PLAYERS ARE WONT TO,

"I HAD AS LIEF THE TOWN CRIER SPOKE MY LINES.

I HAD AS LIEF THE TOWN CRIER SPOKE MY LINES!"

READY FOR THE FINAL RUN-THROUGH?

WHAT? OH. FINAL RUN-THROUGH?

I HAVEN'T HAD A REHEARSAL YET.

HA! OH, YOU WON'T NEED MUCH REHEARSING.

HAMLET IS A COMPLICATED ROLE.

I CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT REHEARSAL.

WHO SAID YOU WERE PLAYING HAMLET?

I'M PLAYING HAMLET!

DIDN'T YOU SEE ME OUT THERE BEFORE

HOLDING UP A PLASTIC SKULL?

"ALAS! POOR YORICK.

I KNEW HIM, HORATIO."

BEAKS, DID YOU TAG THE COSTUMES AS I INSTRUCTED?

YES, YOUR VASTNESS.

WAIT! I SPY.

Barry: WELL, IF I'M NOT PLAYING HAMLET, WHAT ROLE AM I PLAYING?

YORICK?

UH, YORICK'S BEEN DEAD 23 YEARS BEFORE THE PLAY STARTS.

WE'VE HAD A HELL OF A TIME CASTING THE PART.

SOMEONE KEEPS STEALING THE SKULL.

HA HA! THAT'S CRAZY.

BEAKS, HELP ME.

CERTAINLY, SIR. JUST SLIP INTO THIS HOOD.

YOU'RE ALL MAD.

MAD?

YOU'RE FUCKIN' NUTS.

COME, COME, MR. BLYE!

HELP!

COME ON. SHIT!

SHIT.

AAH! HELP!

HEY, HEY!

UNH!

OH!

OH! OH!

UNH!

Man: HELLO! OH, HELLO! THANK GOODNESS.

WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU FOR HOURS.

DR. MORRISON, ARE YOU THERE? HELLO?

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

I REALLY WANTED SOMEONE WITH HIGH CHEEKBONES.

Man: WHAT ARE THOSE VOICES?

DR. MORRISON, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOUR FRIEND LOOKED MUCH MORE THE PART,

BUT DON'T WORRY.

Man: WHAT IS GOING ON OVER THERE?

IT'S SHOWTIME!

AAH!

LET ME SEE.

ALAS! POOR YORICK.

I KNEW HIM, HORATIO,

A FRIEND OF INFINITE JEST,

OF MOST EXCELLENT FANCY...

I THINK I WAS WRONG ABOUT THE YOUNG MAN.

HE DOES HAVE THE LOOK AFTER ALL.

MY IMAGINATION IT IS.

MY GORGE RISES AT IT...

Radio: BRADY, THIS IS CONCORD. WHAT'S YOUR STATUS?

I REPEAT, WHAT IS YOUR STATUS?

WE HAVEN'T HEARD ANY MORE SCREAMS,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THERE AREN'T ANY HOSTAGES.

I WANT YOU ALL TO BE EXTREMELY CAREFUL IN THERE.

WE GO IN 30 SECONDS.

Radio: WE READ YOU. STANDING BY AND IN POSITION.

GIVE ME THE BIG BAR! BIG BAR!

OK, UNH! ONE MORE!

ALL RIGHT! LET'S GO!

MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!

GO! GO!

BRAVO! ENCORE!

WELL, BARRY "AXED" FOR THE PART,

AND HE GOT IT.

BUT TYPICAL BARRY...

THEY STILL COULDN'T USE HIS FACE.

IT'S JUST AS WELL.

THE CRITICS WOULD HAVE CUT HIM TO PIECES.

AH HA HA HA!

I'M CALLING MY AGENT.

I'VE WAITED ALL MY DEATH TO PLAY THE PART OF YORICK.

SO, UNTIL NEXT TIME, KIDDIES...

HELLO? I'D LIKE TO SPEAK WITH MY AGENT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S IN A BEATING?!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE... www.ncicap.org...