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1
00:01:15,375 --> 00:01:17,742
AH HA HA HA!
2
00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:29,432
GOOD EVENING, CULTURE VULTURES,
3
00:01:29,456 --> 00:01:31,634
AND WELCOME TO
ANOTHER INSTALLMENT
4
00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:34,604
OF MASH-TO-PIECES THEATRE.
5
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:37,507
AH HA HA HA HA!
6
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:40,009
TONIGHT WE ASK THE QUESTION,
7
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:43,746
TO BE, OR NOT TO BE?
8
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:45,682
OR IN THIS CASE,
9
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:48,184
AN ACTOR STUCK
WITH AN AVERAGE FACE
10
00:01:48,208 --> 00:01:50,886
WHO'S SO SICK AND
TIRED OF AUDITIONING
11
00:01:50,910 --> 00:01:54,257
HE'S WILLING TO DO
ALMOST ANYTHING.
12
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:57,627
DID I SAY "ALMOST"?
13
00:01:57,651 --> 00:02:00,197
HA HA HA HA!
14
00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:06,057
I CALL THIS SICKENING
SAGA TOP BILLING.
15
00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:12,041
DOES HE STILL HAVE
A DRUG PROBLEM?
16
00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:14,444
JUST TELL ME, CELIA, DOES HE?
17
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,313
I WAS TOLD HE'S
FINISHED WITH REHAB,
18
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:18,482
AND NOW I HEAR THAT HE'S NOT.
19
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:21,851
GET BACK TO ME WHEN YOU KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HIM, OK?
20
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:23,587
WHAT?
21
00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:25,722
YEAH, SURE, I DATED HIM,
BUT IT WAS YEARS AGO...
22
00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:29,259
A WHOLE FUCKIN' LIFETIME
BEFORE ALL THIS DRUG STUFF.
23
00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:31,194
YEAH, HE WAS OK IN BED.
24
00:02:31,218 --> 00:02:33,863
I MEAN, HE WASN'T GREAT,
BUT THEN AGAIN, WHO IS?
25
00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:36,266
ALL RIGHT, I'VE
GOT TO RUN, HONEY.
26
00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:38,001
SO YOU'LL GET BACK TO ME?
27
00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:39,402
ALL RIGHT.
28
00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:42,739
I'M DEALING WITH SUCH
SCHMUCKS. SUCH SCHMUCKS!
29
00:02:50,905 --> 00:02:54,584
JENNY! DID LEON EVER CALL?
30
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,608
JENNY!
31
00:02:57,945 --> 00:03:00,078
JENNY!
32
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:04,560
LEON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
33
00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:06,396
WHERE'S JENNY?
34
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:09,432
JENNY'S DEAD...
35
00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:11,289
AND YOU'RE NEXT, BITCH!
36
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,739
NO, DON'T, LEON. DON'T.
37
00:03:15,763 --> 00:03:18,507
THE SILENT SCREAM
IS THE LOUDEST.
38
00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:20,377
UNH! UNH!
39
00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:22,345
THAT'S GREAT.
40
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:24,848
THANKS FOR COMING IN.
41
00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:28,185
THAT... THAT'S IT?
42
00:03:28,209 --> 00:03:29,619
YEAH, YOU'RE TERRIFIC,
43
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,120
BUT YOU'RE NOT QUITE
WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.
44
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:34,757
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
NEED? I'M AN ACTOR.
45
00:03:34,781 --> 00:03:36,626
I NEED SOMEONE HEAVIER.
46
00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:38,028
I CAN WEAR PADDING.
47
00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:41,920
I DON'T MEAN HEAVIER.
I MEAN BIGGER.
48
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:46,736
LOOK, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. I NEED THIS JOB.
49
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:50,340
I KNOW YOU DO, BUT YOU'RE
WRONG FOR THE PART.
50
00:03:50,364 --> 00:03:52,141
I NEED A KILLER!
51
00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:54,578
OK, HOW'S THIS? I
DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY,
52
00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:57,380
I HAVEN'T EATEN IN A WEEK,
AND I NEED THIS FUCKING JOB!
53
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,681
GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.
54
00:03:58,705 --> 00:04:02,106
BUT I NEED SOMEONE
PHYSICALLY LARGER, WITH A TAN!
55
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:06,555
Man: SHE'S DEAD. JENNY'S DEAD.
56
00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:08,958
AND YOU'RE NEXT, BITCH!
57
00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:12,283
Man: JENNY'S DEAD,
AND YOU'RE NEXT, BITCH.
58
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:19,736
FUCK!
59
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,293
FUCK. SHIT.
60
00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:41,857
NO, NO!
61
00:04:41,881 --> 00:04:44,361
BARRY?
62
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:46,396
BARRY BLYE.
63
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:47,931
YEAH, HI, WINTON. HOW YOU DOING?
64
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,832
I'M FINE. HOW THE HELL ARE YOU?
65
00:04:49,856 --> 00:04:51,368
OH, HOW'S LISA?
66
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:53,670
SHE'S STILL THE BEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
67
00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:56,172
HEY, REMEMBER THAT
RAT HOLE WE ALL LIVED IN?
68
00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:57,774
YEAH, I SURE DO.
WE STILL LIVE THERE.
69
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,842
WELL, IT'S NICE CHATTING
WITH YOU, WINTON.
70
00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:01,210
I'LL SEE YOU LATER. I GOT TO GO.
71
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,779
OH, COME ON, BARRY.
72
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:05,882
YOU CAN'T STILL BE ANGRY WITH
ME BECAUSE I WORK FOR A LIVING.
73
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,117
OH, SURE, I CAN.
74
00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:08,318
LET ME ASK YOU
SOMETHING, WINTON,
75
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:11,688
ON YOUR RESUMÉ,
DOES IT STILL SAY ACTOR?
76
00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:14,223
HA HA HA!
77
00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:16,492
GOD, YOU CRACK ME
UP, YOU KNOW THAT?
78
00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:18,128
HAVEN'T YOU GOT IT YET?
79
00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:19,895
THIS BUSINESS DOESN'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH ACTING.
80
00:05:19,919 --> 00:05:21,364
ALL RIGHT, JUST GET
AWAY FROM ME, ALL RIGHT?
81
00:05:21,388 --> 00:05:23,733
WHEN ARE YOU GONNA LEARN
AN ACTOR IS ONE WHO ACTS,
82
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,368
NOT ONE WHO COLLECTS
UNEMPLOYMENT?
83
00:05:25,392 --> 00:05:26,569
JUST GET AWAY!
84
00:05:26,593 --> 00:05:28,071
IF YOU'D SPEND A LITTLE
LESS MONEY ON CLASSES
85
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:30,907
AND MORE ON SOME DECENT
CLOTHES, AND MAYBE...
86
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:34,010
MAYBE SOME BLUE CONTACT LENSES,
87
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:36,246
YOU MIGHT WORK FOR A CHANGE.
88
00:05:36,270 --> 00:05:38,448
YEAH? WELL, I'VE SEEN
YOUR "WORK," WINTON.
89
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,617
LET ME TELL YOU, I REALLY
LOVED THAT COMMERCIAL YOU DID...
90
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:42,918
YOU KNOW, THAT
LITTLE TANGO YOU DID
91
00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:45,255
ON TOP OF A DISPOSABLE DOUCHE.
92
00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:49,492
SURE. I DO COMMERCIALS.
93
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:53,996
I GOT 50 GRAND LAST
YEAR FOR ONE SPOT ALONE.
94
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,398
I DON'T DO, OK?
95
00:05:56,422 --> 00:05:58,835
I ACT.
96
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:02,839
THIS IS HAMLET.
IT'S ABOUT ACTING.
97
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:06,343
AVENUE "D" AT CANAL?
98
00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:08,545
WHAT THE HELL KIND OF
THEATER WOULD BE DOWN THERE?
99
00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:10,647
ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GO.
100
00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:13,350
BARRY, YOU'RE 35 YEARS OLD.
101
00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:14,384
HOW MUCH LONGER
ARE YOU GOING TO DO
102
00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:16,820
FREE THEATER THAT
NO ONE WANTS TO SEE?
103
00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:18,054
HMM?
104
00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:19,789
HAMLET DOESN'T NEED AN AUDIENCE.
105
00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:21,091
IT'S A CLASSIC.
106
00:06:21,115 --> 00:06:23,493
WELL, MAYBE SO,
107
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,717
BUT LISA DESERVES BETTER, BARRY.
108
00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:32,501
BARRY, BARRY, BARRY.
109
00:06:32,525 --> 00:06:35,337
MEL CAN DO SHAKESPEARE,
110
00:06:35,361 --> 00:06:38,129
BUT MEL HAS THE LOOK.
111
00:06:42,268 --> 00:06:45,381
JESUS CHRIST! I AM
A HELL OF AN ACTOR!
112
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,585
I'M A LOT MORE TALENTED
THAN A LOT OF THOSE ASSHOLES
113
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:51,454
OUT THERE MAKING IT.
GUYS LIKE WINTON ROBINS.
114
00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:55,524
OH, NO, WINTON
ROBINS HAS A FACE.
115
00:06:55,548 --> 00:06:57,227
HE HAS THE LOOK.
116
00:06:57,251 --> 00:06:59,996
AND I HAVE TALENT!
117
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:02,565
WELL, YES, TALENT'S NICE, TOO,
118
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,467
BUT YOU HAVEN'T GOT THE LOOK.
119
00:07:04,491 --> 00:07:05,969
YOU COULD HAVE THE LOOK.
120
00:07:05,993 --> 00:07:08,203
I INTRODUCED YOU TO
THAT PLASTIC SURGEON.
121
00:07:08,227 --> 00:07:09,605
I'M NOT A PROSTITUTE.
122
00:07:09,629 --> 00:07:11,173
I'M NOT GOING TO ALTER MY FACE.
123
00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:13,175
LOOK, YOU'RE AN AGENT.
YOU JUST DO YOUR JOB.
124
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:14,711
YOU JUST CALL THESE PEOPLE UP
125
00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:16,146
AND YOU GET ME
THIS PART, ALL RIGHT?
126
00:07:16,170 --> 00:07:17,647
HEY, LOOK, BARRY,
127
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:20,250
I'VE BEEN IN THE
BUSINESS A LONG TIME.
128
00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:23,986
I'VE SEEN THEM COME,
AND I'VE SEEN THEM GO.
129
00:07:24,010 --> 00:07:28,358
AND, BARRY, I THINK
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO.
130
00:07:28,382 --> 00:07:30,760
SO YOU'RE...
131
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,995
YOU'RE JUST LETTING
ME GO. JUST LIKE THAT.
132
00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:37,667
WELL, HEY, DREAMS ARE GREAT...
133
00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:40,903
BUT I GOT EXPENSES.
134
00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:43,306
SO I THINK IT'S TIME
135
00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:45,207
YOU FIND SOME REPRESENTATION
136
00:07:45,231 --> 00:07:47,877
MORE SUITABLE TO YOUR NEEDS.
137
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:49,567
FINE.
138
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:53,249
I'LL GET THE PART MYSELF.
139
00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:56,586
AND I'LL BE BRILLIANT.
140
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:59,689
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M
GONNA TAKE MY RAVE REVIEWS
141
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:05,417
AND MY $250 A WEEK AND SHOVE
'EM DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROAT!
142
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:29,418
USE... USE THE GODDAMN
FREIGHT ELEVATOR, ASSHOLE.
143
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:31,621
I JUST CLIMBED 5 FLIGHTS!
144
00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:34,290
I'M TALKING TO YOU!
145
00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:37,593
THAT'S MY STEREO.
146
00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:39,195
THAT'S MY APARTMENT!
147
00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:41,030
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING?
148
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:42,564
BARRY? OH, BARRY...
149
00:08:42,588 --> 00:08:44,133
LISA, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
150
00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:47,069
I'M JUST TAKING WHAT'S MINE
151
00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:49,839
AND ENOUGH OF YOUR STUFF
152
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,473
TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT YOU OWE ME.
153
00:08:51,497 --> 00:08:53,109
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
154
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,977
I...
155
00:08:55,001 --> 00:08:57,213
YOU'RE A LOSER.
156
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,682
I PROMISED MR. KROGER
A FEW THINGS,
157
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:03,141
AND HE AGREED NOT TO HAVE
YOU THROWN IN JAIL FOR VAGRANCY.
158
00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:07,890
IT'S OVER, BARRY.
159
00:09:07,914 --> 00:09:10,059
I'M MOVING IN WITH BRUNO.
160
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:12,562
BRUNO?
161
00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:14,964
WE MET IN CLASS.
162
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:17,232
UM, BARRY, BRUNO...
163
00:09:17,256 --> 00:09:19,302
Bruno, Barry.
164
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:22,627
LISA, I LOVE YOU.
165
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:27,209
OH. YEAH.
166
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:29,600
LOOK, WE'VE GOT TO GO.
167
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:35,552
I LEFT SOME CHICKEN
IN THE FRIDGE FOR YOU.
168
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:37,576
CHICKEN?
169
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:43,582
WE COULD STILL BE FRIENDS.
170
00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:51,489
GOD... EXCUSE ME!
171
00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:00,765
Kroger: YOU ARE A LOSER.
172
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:07,505
Man: SPARE CHANGE?
173
00:10:24,724 --> 00:10:26,991
OH, YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING.
174
00:10:50,717 --> 00:10:53,463
UH, EXCUSE ME, IS
THIS THE THEATER...
175
00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:56,432
WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
176
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:58,167
I'M HERE TO AUDITION.
177
00:10:58,191 --> 00:10:59,334
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
178
00:10:59,358 --> 00:11:01,137
THIS AUDITION IS FOR HAMLET.
179
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,372
I CAME DOWN TO
MAKE A POINT TO YOU.
180
00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:05,808
I BET YOU STAYED UP ALL
NIGHT READING THE PLAY.
181
00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:07,410
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I DID!
182
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:10,413
YOU DON'T WALK INTO A HAMLET
AUDITION COLD, YOU IDIOT!
183
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:12,048
IT'S POETRY, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
184
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:15,618
THE PART REQUIRES AN
ACTOR, WINTON, NOT A FACE.
185
00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:18,421
FINE. AND HAD THIS
BEEN A THEATER,
186
00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:20,857
I BET YOU I WOULD
HAVE GOTTEN THE PART.
187
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:24,327
I'LL SEE YOU AROUND, BARRY.
188
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:32,068
UH, IS THIS HAMLET?
189
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:36,838
NO, IT'S SHANGRI-LA.
DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE IT?
190
00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:38,774
AND I'M THE DALAI LAMA.
191
00:11:38,798 --> 00:11:41,310
LET ME GUESS. YOU'RE
HERE TO AUDITION?
192
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:44,246
WELL, YES.
193
00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:46,849
YES, I AM.
194
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,017
WELL, DON'T JUST STAND AROUND.
195
00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:51,642
ACTORS.
196
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,186
OUCH.
197
00:12:04,190 --> 00:12:08,604
ALAS, POOR YORICK.
198
00:12:08,628 --> 00:12:11,206
I KNEW HIM, HORATIO,
199
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:14,177
A FELLOW OF INFINITE JEST,
200
00:12:14,201 --> 00:12:18,080
EXCELLENT IN FANCY, HE HATH...
201
00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:20,650
NO! NO! NO! NO!
202
00:12:20,674 --> 00:12:22,185
IT'S WRONG!
203
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:24,108
IT'S ALL WRONG!
204
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:31,460
HAMLET IS HOLDING IN HIS
HANDS THE SKULL OF YORICK.
205
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:35,831
HE SEES WHAT 20 YEARS
OF ROTTING IN THE GROUND
206
00:12:35,855 --> 00:12:37,566
HAVE DONE TO HIS FRIEND.
207
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:41,003
THAT IS WHY HE IS SO UPSET.
208
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:42,738
WHO? YORICK?
209
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,473
NO, YOU DUNCE!
210
00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:46,409
HAMLET!
211
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,444
HAMLET! HAMLET.
212
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:51,147
YOU PICK UP THE SKULL.
213
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:53,815
YOU LOOK AT IT.
214
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:55,984
YOU TALK TO IT.
215
00:12:56,008 --> 00:12:57,719
YOU EVEN KISS IT.
216
00:12:57,743 --> 00:13:00,022
MMM! MMM!
217
00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:01,691
HERE. KISS IT.
218
00:13:01,715 --> 00:13:03,826
OH, KISS IT. KISS IT. KISS IT.
219
00:13:03,850 --> 00:13:05,294
BUT IT'S PLASTIC.
220
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:07,997
OH, YOU WON'T KISS
PLASTIC, WILL YOU?
221
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:10,566
GET OFF OF MY STAGE!
222
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:13,591
DO YOU HEAR ME?
223
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:17,573
PLASTIC.
224
00:13:17,597 --> 00:13:21,310
BEAKS! WE'VE LOST ANOTHER ONE!
225
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:25,147
WHERE? WHERE ARE MY PROPS?
226
00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:28,050
YES, YOUR BLOATEDNESS.
227
00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:30,808
SEARCHING. SEARCHING.
228
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,488
SEARCHING.
229
00:13:33,512 --> 00:13:35,847
SEARCHING!
230
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:40,930
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
231
00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:44,321
YOU'RE AN ACTOR! I
COMMAND YOU TO ACT!
232
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:47,058
I DON'T HAVE ANY LINES.
233
00:13:48,461 --> 00:13:51,440
THAT'S NO EXCUSE.
LIVING IS ACTING.
234
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:53,810
BEING IS ACTING.
235
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:55,344
THIS IS THE GRAVEDIGGER SCENE.
236
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,780
YOU'RE A GRAVEDIGGER. DIG!
237
00:13:57,804 --> 00:14:01,617
OR I'LL RAM THIS SHOVEL DOWN
YOUR PUTRID LITTLE THROAT!
238
00:14:01,641 --> 00:14:02,740
DIG!
239
00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:08,890
JESUS. THAT IS ONE
TOUGH DIRECTOR.
240
00:14:08,914 --> 00:14:12,783
HE'S DEMANDING. I RESPECT THAT.
241
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,465
EXCUSE ME.
242
00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:19,901
I'M HERE TO AUDITION
FOR THE ROLE OF HAMLET.
243
00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:22,138
WHAT?
244
00:14:22,162 --> 00:14:25,174
WHAT?
245
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,698
WHO BROKE MY CONCENTRATION?
246
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:29,745
EVERYONE!
247
00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:35,105
EVERYONE OUT OF MY SIGHT!
248
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:41,111
YOU TWO, COME TO MY OFFICE.
249
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:46,016
THANK YOU.
250
00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:57,539
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
251
00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:59,475
I AM NELSON HALLIWELL,
252
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:02,767
DIRECTOR OF STAGE AND SCREEN.
253
00:15:06,806 --> 00:15:09,218
AND IT'S A PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU, SIR.
254
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,386
I'M BARRY BLYE.
255
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,355
I'M HERE TO AUDITION FOR HAMLET.
256
00:15:12,379 --> 00:15:16,292
WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE, I'M
HIGHLY QUALIFIED FOR THE PART.
257
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:18,627
I HAVE EXTENSIVE QUALIFICATIONS.
258
00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:20,862
I'VE DONE THE PART IN
SEVERAL WORKSHOPS
259
00:15:20,886 --> 00:15:22,765
AND I KNOW THE
ENTIRE ROLE BY HEART.
260
00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:24,800
DO YOU?
261
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:28,036
AND DO YOU KNOW
THAT WE ARE PLANNING
262
00:15:28,060 --> 00:15:33,042
THE MOST STIRRING
PRODUCTION OF HAMLET EVER?
263
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:36,378
I WANT TO BRING TO
THE STAGE A HAMLET
264
00:15:36,402 --> 00:15:41,883
THAT WILL LOOK AND
FEEL AND BE SO REAL
265
00:15:41,907 --> 00:15:45,254
THAT THE PEOPLE WILL
STUMBLE FROM THEIR SEATS,
266
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,456
TUMBLE FROM THE THEATER,
267
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,458
THEIR MINDS REELING,
268
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:53,262
AND RETCH THEIR
GUTS UPON THE CURB.
269
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,566
YUCK. IT'S ALL YOURS, BARRY.
270
00:15:57,590 --> 00:16:00,035
BREAK A LEG. BREAK BOTH.
271
00:16:00,059 --> 00:16:01,770
YOU! YES?
272
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:05,707
HIGH CHEEKBONES, FAIR
SKIN, SLIGHTLY FROSTED HAIR.
273
00:16:05,731 --> 00:16:07,476
YOU MUST BE DANISH.
274
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:08,544
ACTUALLY, I'M POLISH.
275
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:09,979
PERFECT! I KNEW IT!
276
00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:11,280
THE PART IS YOURS.
277
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,914
WHAT? WHAT?
278
00:16:12,938 --> 00:16:15,851
I SAID, YOUNG MAN,
THE PART IS YOURS!
279
00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:17,019
I THOUGHT YOU WERE LEAVING.
280
00:16:17,043 --> 00:16:18,954
NOT ANYMORE. I'M HAMLET.
281
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,690
Barry: BUT YOU
DIDN'T EVEN READ HIM!
282
00:16:20,714 --> 00:16:22,524
YOU DON'T EVEN
KNOW IF HE CAN READ!
283
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:25,294
HALLIWELL HAS CHOSEN!
284
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:28,831
YOUNG MAN, THERE'S A DRESSING
ROOM FOR YOU DOWN THE HALL.
285
00:16:28,855 --> 00:16:30,266
BUT THIS IS HAMLET!
286
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:32,368
HOW CAN YOU CAST THIS ASSHOLE?!
287
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:36,827
HE HAS THE LOOK.
288
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:45,081
HA HA! WHAT DID I
TELL YOU, BARRY? HUH?
289
00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:47,316
YOU DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS PLAY.
290
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:50,974
OH, I KNOW ONE THING...
I'VE GOT THE PART. HA HA!
291
00:16:51,977 --> 00:16:54,690
YOU SON OF A BITCH.
292
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:56,492
SON OF A BITCH!
293
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,927
EVERYONE! CENTER
STAGE, EVERYONE!
294
00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:00,296
QUICKLY, QUICKLY.
295
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,732
GATHER AROUND, GATHER
TOGETHER TO MEET OUR NEW ACTOR.
296
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:07,370
BEAKS, SEE THAT HE'S
OUTFITTED PROPERLY.
297
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:09,472
SHOW HIM HIS DRESSING ROOM.
298
00:17:09,496 --> 00:17:11,440
WELCOME HIM TO THE GROUP.
299
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,409
QUICKLY, QUICKLY.
QUICKLY, EVERYONE.
300
00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:14,977
NO TIME TO WASTE.
301
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:16,379
NO TIME TO WASTE.
302
00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:18,647
Beaks: ONLY FIVE
MINUTES, EVERYBODY!
303
00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:19,982
PLEASE! I MUST BE ALONE NOW.
304
00:17:20,006 --> 00:17:22,206
QUICKLY. OUT.
305
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:47,643
"FROM THIS TIME FORTH,
MY THOUGHTS BE BLOODY,
306
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:51,269
OR BE NOTHING WORTH."
307
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,928
AHH.
308
00:18:17,129 --> 00:18:20,030
"THUS CONSCIENCE DOTH
MAKE COWARDS OF US ALL."
309
00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:25,814
CAME TO CONGRATULATE
ME, DID YOU?
310
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:30,619
WELL, I HOPE YOU LEARNED
SOMETHING TODAY, BARRY.
311
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:32,821
YOU'RE OVERDUE, YOU KNOW.
312
00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:35,924
I MEAN, THIS ISN'T ABOUT ART.
313
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,992
IT'S ABOUT COMMERCE.
IT'S ABOUT PEOPLE
314
00:18:38,016 --> 00:18:40,429
STANDING IN LINE
AND BUYING TICKETS.
315
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:44,366
IT'S ABOUT PRODUCT. HA HA HA!
316
00:18:44,390 --> 00:18:46,768
IF YOU INVESTED
HALF AS MUCH ENERGY
317
00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:47,969
INTO THE BUSINESS SIDE OF THINGS
318
00:18:47,993 --> 00:18:49,671
AS YOU DO IN MAINTAINING
319
00:18:49,695 --> 00:18:55,677
THAT STUPID STRUGGLING
ARTISTE CRAP, YOU...
320
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:57,479
WHAT THE HELL?
321
00:18:57,503 --> 00:18:59,814
AAH!
322
00:18:59,838 --> 00:19:00,815
AGGH!
323
00:19:00,839 --> 00:19:03,619
WHY?! ARE YOU OUT
OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?
324
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:07,456
"HOW NOW, A RAT?
YOU'RE DEAD FOR A DUCAT!"
325
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:11,693
THAT'S HAMLET,
SHITHEAD! ACT III, SCENE IV!
326
00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:21,091
HAMLET? I'M NOT HAMLET!
327
00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:32,469
YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
328
00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:46,583
OH!
329
00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:35,477
♪ A PICKAXE AND A SPADE ♪
330
00:20:35,501 --> 00:20:37,212
♪ A SPADE ♪
331
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:40,349
♪ FOR AND A SHROUDING SHEET ♪
332
00:20:40,373 --> 00:20:43,886
♪ OH, A PIT OF CLAY
FOR TO BE MADE ♪
333
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:49,824
♪ FOR SUCH A GUEST IS MEET ♪
334
00:20:49,848 --> 00:20:52,094
THAT'S HOW I'D LIKE IT DONE!
335
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:55,764
PROPS! WHERE'S THE PROP
FOR THE GRAVEDIGGER SCENE?
336
00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:57,232
I'M WORKING ON IT!
337
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,623
THEY DON'T GROW ON TREES!
338
00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:02,037
MR. HALLIWELL.
339
00:21:02,061 --> 00:21:03,372
YES? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
340
00:21:03,396 --> 00:21:06,174
DON'T YOU SEE YOU'RE
INTERRUPTING A REHEARSAL?!
341
00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:07,376
WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND?
342
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,878
HE SHOULD BE ON THE
STAGE THIS INSTANT!
343
00:21:09,902 --> 00:21:11,880
I'M AFRAID HE LEFT,
MR. HALLIWELL.
344
00:21:11,904 --> 00:21:15,351
LEFT? A HALLIWELL PRODUCTION?
345
00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:19,254
THE WORST CASE OF STAGE
FRIGHT I'VE EVER SEEN.
346
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,545
HE WAS TOTALLY BLUE.
347
00:21:23,049 --> 00:21:24,993
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
348
00:21:25,017 --> 00:21:27,162
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
349
00:21:27,186 --> 00:21:30,799
WELL, I'D LIKE TO SUGGEST
MYSELF FOR THE PART, SIR.
350
00:21:30,823 --> 00:21:33,968
OH, NO, NO! YOU'RE ALL WRONG!
351
00:21:33,992 --> 00:21:35,571
YOU DON'T HAVE THE LOOK.
352
00:21:35,595 --> 00:21:37,039
I'M AN ACTOR, MR. HALLIWELL.
353
00:21:37,063 --> 00:21:38,206
I CAN GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT.
354
00:21:38,230 --> 00:21:42,277
NO, NO, NO, NO... YES!
355
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,580
IF I CHANGE MY
INTERPRETATION SLIGHTLY...
356
00:21:44,604 --> 00:21:46,682
WELL, THEN THE PART IS YOURS!
357
00:21:46,706 --> 00:21:48,416
BEAKS! BEAKS!
358
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,085
YOU MEAN IT? I'M CAST?
359
00:21:50,109 --> 00:21:53,221
YES. SHOW OUR NEW MEMBER
TO HIS DRESSING ROOM, BEAKS!
360
00:21:53,245 --> 00:21:55,356
HA HA! YOU WON'T
REGRET IT, MR. HALLIWELL.
361
00:21:55,380 --> 00:21:57,793
HO HO! WE OPEN!
362
00:21:57,817 --> 00:21:59,994
"SPEAK THE SPEECH, I PRAY YOU,
363
00:22:00,018 --> 00:22:04,166
"AS I PRONOUNCED IT TO YOU,
TRIPPINGLY ON THE TONGUE..."
364
00:22:04,190 --> 00:22:05,300
OH!
365
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:06,935
"BUT IF YOU MOUTH IT,
366
00:22:06,959 --> 00:22:09,804
"AS MANY OF YOUR
PLAYERS ARE WONT TO,
367
00:22:09,828 --> 00:22:13,842
"I HAD AS LIEF THE TOWN
CRIER SPOKE MY LINES.
368
00:22:13,866 --> 00:22:17,812
I HAD AS LIEF THE TOWN
CRIER SPOKE MY LINES!"
369
00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:19,581
READY FOR THE FINAL RUN-THROUGH?
370
00:22:19,605 --> 00:22:21,583
WHAT? OH. FINAL RUN-THROUGH?
371
00:22:21,607 --> 00:22:22,885
I HAVEN'T HAD A REHEARSAL YET.
372
00:22:22,909 --> 00:22:26,422
HA! OH, YOU WON'T
NEED MUCH REHEARSING.
373
00:22:26,446 --> 00:22:28,457
HAMLET IS A COMPLICATED ROLE.
374
00:22:28,481 --> 00:22:30,759
I CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT REHEARSAL.
375
00:22:30,783 --> 00:22:33,228
WHO SAID YOU WERE
PLAYING HAMLET?
376
00:22:33,252 --> 00:22:35,097
I'M PLAYING HAMLET!
377
00:22:35,121 --> 00:22:36,465
DIDN'T YOU SEE ME
OUT THERE BEFORE
378
00:22:36,489 --> 00:22:38,333
HOLDING UP A PLASTIC SKULL?
379
00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:41,703
"ALAS! POOR YORICK.
380
00:22:41,727 --> 00:22:43,371
I KNEW HIM, HORATIO."
381
00:22:43,395 --> 00:22:46,241
BEAKS, DID YOU TAG THE
COSTUMES AS I INSTRUCTED?
382
00:22:46,265 --> 00:22:49,043
YES, YOUR VASTNESS.
383
00:22:49,067 --> 00:22:52,181
WAIT! I SPY.
384
00:22:52,205 --> 00:22:56,207
Barry: WELL, IF I'M NOT PLAYING
HAMLET, WHAT ROLE AM I PLAYING?
385
00:22:58,544 --> 00:23:00,856
YORICK?
386
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:06,362
UH, YORICK'S BEEN DEAD 23
YEARS BEFORE THE PLAY STARTS.
387
00:23:06,386 --> 00:23:09,231
WE'VE HAD A HELL OF A
TIME CASTING THE PART.
388
00:23:09,255 --> 00:23:11,955
SOMEONE KEEPS
STEALING THE SKULL.
389
00:23:13,559 --> 00:23:17,005
HA HA! THAT'S CRAZY.
390
00:23:17,029 --> 00:23:18,874
BEAKS, HELP ME.
391
00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:22,632
CERTAINLY, SIR. JUST
SLIP INTO THIS HOOD.
392
00:23:30,743 --> 00:23:32,187
YOU'RE ALL MAD.
393
00:23:32,211 --> 00:23:34,490
MAD?
394
00:23:35,882 --> 00:23:37,548
YOU'RE FUCKIN' NUTS.
395
00:23:45,391 --> 00:23:48,170
COME, COME, MR. BLYE!
396
00:23:48,194 --> 00:23:49,225
HELP!
397
00:23:52,765 --> 00:23:54,643
COME ON. SHIT!
398
00:23:54,667 --> 00:23:56,011
SHIT.
399
00:24:07,213 --> 00:24:09,591
AAH! HELP!
400
00:24:12,251 --> 00:24:13,896
HEY, HEY!
401
00:24:15,755 --> 00:24:17,087
UNH!
402
00:24:36,409 --> 00:24:37,752
OH!
403
00:24:41,013 --> 00:24:43,658
OH! OH!
404
00:24:43,682 --> 00:24:45,160
UNH!
405
00:24:45,184 --> 00:24:49,164
Man: HELLO! OH, HELLO!
THANK GOODNESS.
406
00:24:49,188 --> 00:24:50,866
WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO
CALL YOU FOR HOURS.
407
00:24:50,890 --> 00:24:53,735
DR. MORRISON, ARE
YOU THERE? HELLO?
408
00:24:53,759 --> 00:24:56,137
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
409
00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:58,406
I REALLY WANTED SOMEONE
WITH HIGH CHEEKBONES.
410
00:24:58,430 --> 00:24:59,574
Man: WHAT ARE THOSE VOICES?
411
00:24:59,598 --> 00:25:01,610
DR. MORRISON, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
412
00:25:01,634 --> 00:25:04,780
YOUR FRIEND LOOKED
MUCH MORE THE PART,
413
00:25:04,804 --> 00:25:06,414
BUT DON'T WORRY.
414
00:25:06,438 --> 00:25:08,083
Man: WHAT IS GOING
ON OVER THERE?
415
00:25:08,107 --> 00:25:09,484
IT'S SHOWTIME!
416
00:25:09,508 --> 00:25:10,707
AAH!
417
00:25:13,279 --> 00:25:15,857
LET ME SEE.
418
00:25:15,881 --> 00:25:19,228
ALAS! POOR YORICK.
419
00:25:19,252 --> 00:25:22,030
I KNEW HIM, HORATIO,
420
00:25:22,054 --> 00:25:24,433
A FRIEND OF INFINITE JEST,
421
00:25:24,457 --> 00:25:26,468
OF MOST EXCELLENT FANCY...
422
00:25:26,492 --> 00:25:29,671
I THINK I WAS WRONG
ABOUT THE YOUNG MAN.
423
00:25:29,695 --> 00:25:31,806
HE DOES HAVE THE LOOK AFTER ALL.
424
00:25:31,830 --> 00:25:34,476
MY IMAGINATION IT IS.
425
00:25:34,500 --> 00:25:37,768
MY GORGE RISES AT IT...
426
00:25:50,249 --> 00:25:51,959
Radio: BRADY, THIS IS
CONCORD. WHAT'S YOUR STATUS?
427
00:25:51,983 --> 00:25:53,761
I REPEAT, WHAT IS YOUR STATUS?
428
00:25:53,785 --> 00:25:55,063
WE HAVEN'T HEARD
ANY MORE SCREAMS,
429
00:25:55,087 --> 00:25:56,531
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
THERE AREN'T ANY HOSTAGES.
430
00:25:56,555 --> 00:25:58,066
I WANT YOU ALL TO BE
EXTREMELY CAREFUL IN THERE.
431
00:25:58,090 --> 00:25:59,301
WE GO IN 30 SECONDS.
432
00:25:59,325 --> 00:26:01,969
Radio: WE READ YOU.
STANDING BY AND IN POSITION.
433
00:26:01,993 --> 00:26:03,153
GIVE ME THE BIG BAR! BIG BAR!
434
00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:08,176
OK, UNH! ONE MORE!
435
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:09,511
ALL RIGHT! LET'S GO!
436
00:26:09,535 --> 00:26:10,812
MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!
437
00:26:10,836 --> 00:26:11,946
GO! GO!
438
00:26:37,162 --> 00:26:41,142
BRAVO! ENCORE!
439
00:26:41,166 --> 00:26:44,246
WELL, BARRY "AXED" FOR THE PART,
440
00:26:44,270 --> 00:26:45,713
AND HE GOT IT.
441
00:26:45,737 --> 00:26:47,649
BUT TYPICAL BARRY...
442
00:26:47,673 --> 00:26:50,419
THEY STILL COULDN'T
USE HIS FACE.
443
00:26:50,443 --> 00:26:52,220
IT'S JUST AS WELL.
444
00:26:52,244 --> 00:26:55,023
THE CRITICS WOULD
HAVE CUT HIM TO PIECES.
445
00:26:55,047 --> 00:26:57,825
AH HA HA HA!
446
00:26:57,849 --> 00:26:59,761
I'M CALLING MY AGENT.
447
00:26:59,785 --> 00:27:03,231
I'VE WAITED ALL MY DEATH
TO PLAY THE PART OF YORICK.
448
00:27:03,255 --> 00:27:06,101
SO, UNTIL NEXT TIME, KIDDIES...
449
00:27:06,125 --> 00:27:10,605
HELLO? I'D LIKE TO
SPEAK WITH MY AGENT.
450
00:27:10,629 --> 00:27:14,475
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
HE'S IN A BEATING?!
451
00:27:14,499 --> 00:27:17,478
CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.
452
00:27:17,502 --> 00:27:20,503
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE... www.ncicap.org...
30662
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