Original subtitles

We're here in Denver. I have what I'm hoping is altitude sickness and not

like, weird form of meningitis. They keep telling me it's not meningitis, but

they don't know.

We've got an amazing crowd out front. All the tickets are gone. This is great.

All fans.

People who are coming to my show should expect a healthy dose of very honest,

hilarious, aggressive comedy.

There's a special called Breathing Hot. The set is breathing hot. There's a big

old explosion in the background.

Palm trees and snow, and then there's a surprise at the end.

Michael Blanche. When I first started traveling, I decided to get her so I'd

have someone to be with me on the road.

And fans like her.

Come here!

Okay, thank you. We have to go make an hour special.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Eliza Schlesinger!

as my favorite city to do comedy in for this special. Thank you.

That was going to be a lot colder.

Really did.

I always feel like weather is something that you can use to ingratiate yourself

toward other girls.

Guys have sports when they meet each other. It doesn't matter. Sub, bro, sub.

You see that? 30 for 30? Fucking murder, dude. Yeah.

With girls, it's not fashion. It's not anything else. It's the weather. It's

like, oh my God, it was so hot.

Like earlier.

And then the other girl's like, it was so hot. I noticed that, I feel.

It was, I love it when it's hot, but not too hot. Do you know what I'm talking

about? I do. No, I know what you're saying. Like, I totally get it, but not

hot. But I also like it when it's cold. Me too, but not too cold. No, because if

it's too cold, then it's like, brr.

I can talk about weather.

The weird thing for being a girl is even if you live in cold weather, no matter

how much you're used to dealing with cold weather, girls always have an issue

with deciding what outer layer we should wear.

We always defer to the guy.

Like, babe.

Do a jacket.

Jacket. A short one.

A long one.

You're not looking? Okay.

Best to do a jacket.

Are we going?

Should I do a jacket?

Should I do it? Should I do a jacket?

Will you just pause Halo for like two seconds for me?

Jacket. Should I do it? Should I do a jacket?

Should I just do like four scarves and no pants?

Seems counterintuitive.

No jacket?

Jacket. Jacket? Jacket. Finally, Borman's like, yeah, bring a fucking

And you're like, I don't want to bring a jacket.

Why not?

Then I have to carry it.

Girls hate the idea of carrying a jacket. It's too heavy. The female body

capable of carrying a human being for nine months. But apparently a

jacket stuffed with feathers is where we draw the line.

You bring a jacket.

In your 20s, you never bring a jacket slash never brought a jacket. Some of

are in your 20s. So remember like yesterday.

You're 20 you never brought a jacket right because you're invincible like a

little stupid boy You're like I don't need one and that's why it's so funny

those that are over 30 for those of us to like watch 20 -year -olds at like 2 a

.m. Like breathing the cold Shivering

Doing this shit with their dresses like pulling it down all those shoes cracking

under the pressure

Because you always rationalize it. You're like, it's not that far from the

to the bar. In your 20s, you want to risk that icy walk for the glory of not

having to wear a jacket. You have no problem with that two -minute walk. Not

every girl makes it. I've lost many a hot amber to that walk.

You're walking, you're like, where's amber? Amber's frozen. Like, go!

Order a lemon drop and toast to my memory.

It's the worst when you're cold.

You can't find your car. If you're with a group of girls, you have to resign

yourself to the fact that you're probably not going to find your car.

There's something, even if you're a brilliant woman, there's something in

genetic makeup of women that disables us from remembering where the car is

parked.

It's very rare that a woman parks the car and is like, boop, okay, I'm in spot

4F, let me remember that, let me be responsible for my choices in this life.

Something disengages and takes over and we're just like, boop, what's this?

And then we just, like, wake up in a Sephora.

Always bring at least one guy. There's something in a male makeup that men can

always find the car.

They throw down breadcrumbs Hansel and Gretel style.

Maybe it's pride. Maybe they got a tracking device in their junk. I don't

Like, ping, ping, ping.

He may not even find your car. He will find you a car.

And you'll get it.

Guys, I'll tell you a secret. We don't want to look for the car. It's boring.

If I do a scan and I don't see it, I'll be like, someone stole it. That's always

the go -to.

Sometimes we'll act like we're stressed even if we're not.

That's our go -to. Women have been told that they're feeble -minded for so many

years. Once in a while we'll play into it to our advantage.

I don't know where the car is, okay? I'm sorry that we're here for a bit. I

don't know where the car is.

I don't even know. I don't know where the car is, okay? I'm trying, okay?

I'm stressed out.

working like 10 hours a week. And I'm like, there's the car. Thank you,

We found it.

Like your jacket.

Girls always refer to the guy when it comes to weather questions. Every girl's

done this, where you wake up in the morning, first thing in the morning,

Next to your husband, your boyfriend, whatever Dairy Queen manager Tinder has

set you up with.

8 a .m., first thing out of your mouth, you're like, babe.

Is it cold outside?

And your boyfriend like wants to be there for you. He's like, I don't know

I'm inside.

It's chilly.

Chilly. Girls hate being cold. We hate it.

Girls don't like to be chilly. Guys, don't let your date get cold.

We're not happy when we're cold.

Oh, she's cold. Come here, babe. You're getting cold. Come here. I want to warm

you up. Don't fucking touch me. Not what I want.

Not what I want. Girls don't want to have sex when they're cold. I'm cold. I

want to be miserable. In my life, I've never been like, oh my God, I'm so cold.

I just wish I had somebody to fuck.

Like it doesn't work that way.

We don't get horny when we get cold.

When girls get cold, it sends a message to our brain. You're cold. Time to go

home. Time to hibernate. Time to watch a show on TLC about a 600 pound woman

eating herself to death. That's what we want to do.

Cold.

Don't let your day get cold. We're not happy when we're cold. You'll notice the

body language for I'm cold and I'm fucking pissed at you It's the same body

language Girls don't like being cold, but we love cold weather.

That's girl logic for you Like everything's a contradiction wrapped in

just like it's pretty glitter The same thought process that's like I'm gonna

wear tight pants, but don't you look at my butt like it's that thing

so cold i'm sweating and it's freezing hot in here i don't know i don't know

i feel all girls love fall i don't know if you know that all girls are required

to love fall yeah required when you apply when we applied to be girls went

to the girl counter and they hold your girl card up and they go what's your

favorite season and you go it's fall motherfucker and they're like all right

here's your girl card here's your uggs here's your glitter go have fun be

insecure

Girls love fall so much. I've been planning this fall since July of like

years ago. We fucking get into fall. You don't even have to tell girls when it's

fall. We know.

We sense it.

We get into it. The second it turns fall, the second a leaf falls somewhere

like Connecticut, we feel it.

Sitting at home watching TV outside, the temperature drops from like 86 to 63.

We pop out of the ground like gophers. We sense that fall is here.

Watching TV, fall comes. We're just like.

Did you feel that? I did. It was a breeze. Fuck yeah. Cinnamon, nutmeg,

Pumpkin everything.

Pumpkin.

Eat the pumpkin.

Let's plant fall shit.

You over your boyfriend. You drag your boyfriend by the teeth. Let's go. We're

doing fall shit. We're going apple picking. Babe, there's no apple orchards

Los Angeles. Fine. I'm going to the grocery store. I'm going to throw apples

children. Something.

We go on Pinterest, we start pinning fall ideas.

Leaves, that's a fun thing we like to fuck with. Every year the leaves change

color and we lose our shit.

Every year.

Did you see the leaves on my eyes?

Last week they were green and now they're brown.

They're not brown. They're fucking dead, you sicko. They're fucking dead. And

you're doing crafts with their corpses. You have no respect for nature?

We talk about it. What are you going to do with your dead leaves? I'm going to

make a pile on the front lawn so the kids can play in the death. What are you

going to do?

With your dead leaves, I'm going to make a wreath on the front door as a warning

to other dead leaves not to fuck with me.

Did you just eat a leaf? I did.

Pin, pin, pin. We love Pinterest.

All girls love Pinterest.

Girls?

Yes.

Pinterest. Porn for white women. We love it.

We love planning things on Pinterest. A lot of girls plan their weddings on

Pinterest. One of my girlfriends got married on Valentine's Day.

And joking, I was like, oh my God, that's so fun. What was your theme?

Dead serious. She was like, we did like love, but like under the stars.

Under the sea.

I was like, okay, it's a wedding, not a prom.

I'll tell you what, Denver, if and when I get married, I'm going to get married

the day after Valentine's Day, and my theme is going to be 75 % off chocolate.

Right?

Yeah!

Because it's my day!

Guys, any of you that are engaged, just know that your fiance has already

planned your entire wedding on Pinterest, okay?

She's planned your wedding, future vacations, your fucking funeral, man.

Pinterest.

And we don't do it when you're looking. No, because if you saw how creepy we got

with Pinterest, you wouldn't have us.

We do it under the cloak of night. We wait.

We get a pumpkin spice latte and we go in.

And we log on to Pinterest. Gentlemen, just so you know, Pinterest for girls is

like Call of Duty for guys. I got a fucking headset on.

Talking shit to 14 -year -olds in Michigan.

First person pinning pictures of Channing Tatum. Like, hey, come on.

Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.

We get into it. You get these like creative downward spirals and just like

pinning pinning. Am I looking at porn? Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin. I'm not even

sure at this point. Natural water birth. Why am I pinning that? Pin, pin, pin,

pin, pin.

Looking outside six hours, seven hours, 24 hours later.

You open the mini blinds.

It's sunny outside.

Keep pinning for the glory. Ben, come in here. I want to show you what I'm

pinning for my wedding, our wedding.

Come in here. I want to show you. I have all these fun ideas. I think we should

do a chocolate waterfall, but instead of chocolate, we should do bridesmaids

tears. I think it's fair.

It's only fair.

I want to show this to you. Pink, pink. Come in here. Brian, Ryan. Give the shit

what your name is. I'm getting married. I want to show this to you. I like this.

Do you like the pink napkins or the red napkins? I think there's a difference.

I think there's a difference.

Stress.

theme should be, okay? You know what the theme should be? That your mom's a

bitch. That's what the theme should be.

But I want to do it anyway because I love you so much and it's going to be

amazing. I'm going to do it, man.

It's going to be awesome.

All these ideas. We should do a swan. No. We should do a dove. No. We should

a swan made of doves. Babe, will you Google human centipede but for doves and

see if we can...

sew them together ATM style. Yes, I know what ATM is. I've seen your porn. I

love you anyway.

I'm getting married before my sister.

I want to show this to you. And I, what? Yes, I'm wearing a diaper. I'm not

getting up. I want to show this. It's going to be amazing. And I, babe, babe.

trying to get another girl to admit that she's hungry between two girls it's

like a standoff you can't admit you're hungry that's admitting weakness it's

admitting defeat are you hungry me neither so

are you hungry nope i ate last week so

I could do this all day. I'm chewing on my tongue. It feels good enough. That's

fine.

Eventually one, usually the smaller one will concede. I'll, if you're, I'll go

with you.

If you're hungry, I'll go with you.

I'll go with you.

Subtext, I'll watch you get fat. I'll go with you.

I'll have a bite.

Whatever you get, I'll have a bite.

I'm easy. I eat everything except for nothing.

I eat nothing except for everything. I'll go with you. I don't understand

I'm saying either. I'll go with you. I'll have a bite. I'm so fucking hungry.

Please, let's go have a bite.

A bite, have a bite. Do you want to get tapas?

One girl always throws tapas out there.

Do you want to do tapas?

What are they? They're small plates.

You do like five to ten per person. It runs you about a hundred bucks each.

Totally worth it, yeah.

Girls love anything as long as it's small, not filling, and expensive. We

eat diamonds if we could.

They're tapas. They're small plates.

It's Spanish.

Spanish. It's like their Spanish.

Not like the country below the United States.

It's a different Spanish.

It's got like a fucked up... I don't understand it. I went to Spain for two

when I was 16, so I'm cultured. Okay.

They're small plates.

Platito.

They're small. They're so small. It's like a frisbee for a rat. Like small

plates.

It's like a monocle for an amoeba. Like just like really small.

One time I ate the plate on accident.

So that was pretty horrific. Small plate.

I think it's an absolute joke. I don't want to eat tapas. I don't like anything

about it. It comes to you on a wooden block like you're eating your lunch at

Home Depot.

Some guy in the back with his bare hands balls up some ham in the corner and

then throws some shards of manchego cheese and some haphazard drizzle of

so you can eat like an Andalusian farmer taking a motherfucking lunch break in a

field at 1830 for like a hundred bucks. Cool.

Small plate.

And then your one friend always gets annoyed when you don't want her

You don't want tapas? Fine. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to accommodate the

Plus, guys don't ever get tapas. That's a girl food.

It's only girls. You don't want to get tapas? It's never dudes. It's never

bro!

Want to get tapas?

We'll go off to Fantasy Draft. You want to do tapas?

Nah, we'll go. We'll get one meatball. We'll split it with four dudes. No homo.

Hi, you don't like my suggestion?

What do you want to get? Do you want to do a flatbread?

You want to do a flatbread?

What is it? It's like a thin crisp pizza, but like annoying.

It's always the one girl in the group that suggests the flatbread, right? Do

guys want to do it for everyone?

Do you want to do a flatbread?

She's the one suggesting it. She's the one that got everyone together. She's

one that printed the Groupon.

Her name is usually something like Amanda.

You want a flatbread? Do you?

You do?

You're not eating? You don't do gluten?

You're not doing dairy? You don't do fun? You're sleeping? That's weird.

in public. Okay.

Do you want flatbread? Ask her. Does she want flatbread?

I can't. My phone's dead. I can't text her.

Ask her if she wants flat... Do you want flatbread?

I'm asking if you want a flatbread.

Do you want flatbread?

Ask Cinnamon with a Y if she wants flatbread.

And then tell Cinnamon with a K that her name is not phonetically sound. Okay.

I'm going to do the ordering. I'm going to do it. Hi.

We're in a rush because we're entitled.

I'm going to do one flatbread for the 40 of us. Yeah.

She's not eating. She's going to have a bite. She doesn't do dairy. She doesn't

do gluten. She doesn't know what gluten is, but she feels like she doesn't do it

this week. Yeah.

And we're going to do, what do you guys want to drink?

No, don't order your own. Let's just get one. We're just going to do a trough of

white wine. Yeah.

And then, how do you want to drink it? No, you're being annoying. Stop.

You don't need a glass. No, we don't need glasses. We're just going to drink

with our hands.

What do you guys want to get on it?

Let's just go crazy. Let's do half goat cheese, half air. Thank you.

Went on a date recently.

I made a real effort in my 30s. I'm 31.

I made a real effort to try to date normal guys.

Because when you're in your 20s, you can date whoever you want because you'll

live forever and you're hot and you're in your 20s, right? You're like, what,

you want to go out? We're both carbon -based. Let's do it. And it's like,

Try to make some responsible choices in my 30s. Recently, I went out with

someone based solely on the way he was dressed. He was an accountant, but okay.

Okay, I'll carry the conversation.

That's fine.

Get a plaid shirt tucked into khakis. Okay.

All right.

Little nerdling, that's okay.

Cell phone and a holster on his hip.

Dad style.

To the dads in the audience and subsequently watching this, what text is

in so fast you have to have your hand ready okay corral style?

And then what are you sending out so fast that it's rendering your cellular

device smoking and you've got to holster it?

But the point is he was dressed responsibly. He was dressed non

dressed nice, like an adult. And I knew I had to respond in kind. I couldn't

dress like a 19 -year -old lesbian hot topic manager. I get it.

Made a real effort, folks. I'm going to tell you right now, I made a real

effort. Ask my girlfriends that are like in their mid -30s. They've been dating

a while. They're very mature, right?

What should I wear? You need to get like a silk blouse.

So just wear it and then just cover that shit up and just like tuck it in,

blouse it out, silk blouse. I'm here to say right now, I reject a silk blouse.

Fuck a silk blouse, okay?

Yes. Just because you're not 20 doesn't mean you have to be ashamed of your

body. I don't need to wear a tent over it, okay? They're burkas for American

women. I said it and I meant it.

All right?

They're oppressive. They're ugly. They're hot. They're shapeless. And if

wear an underwire bra under your silk blouse and you sweat through it, it's

going to look like a face with its eyes closed.

Fuck a silk blouse.

But I bought one anyway.

I'd be like, whatever.

Went to a nice store, made a real effort. I went to a Nordstrom.

I asked the sales girl. She was like 19 and just like hot. I was like, I need a

silk blouse. She was like, what about this one? It was white. It had black

splotches all over it. And she was like, it's abstract.

I was like, yeah, like a Rorschach test, but less interesting.

She's like, I don't get it. I'm like, it's because you work here. Okay.

No, it's like a fun pattern. I'm like, that's a cow print. Like 100%. It's

splotches. I'm going to look like a model for Gateway Printers. I'm not

that.

Because here's the fact. With prints like that, it's a cow print. You can't

it if you're a normal girl. If you're a model, you can wear something stupid and

look hot. If you're a model, you can wear a blousey cow print and be like,

yeah, moo, motherfuckers.

Moo,

yeah.

Right?

Not dicks, udders.

Normal girl wearing a cow pattern. If you tuck in a blousey cow, you're just

going to look like a cow that had gastric bypass surgery.

Just like blousey.

Tucked in blousey cow, so I got it.

Tuck in blousey cow, blouse it out. And then I bought pants that were very

tight. You're going on a date. You want to wear tight pants. The tighter the

pant, the more effort it shows you put into it. Okay.

Not unlike Chinese foot binding. You want your pants so tight that they form

your muscles and bones into this kind of like palsy effect.

Okay.

And you want to have shoes that are so high. The heel is so high that you are

literally cantilevered off the edge and it forms a dainty hump in the back.

Men like this. Trust me. Men love a good hump. Okay.

Like this.

So you're ready. So you've got blousy cow, palsy pants, and you want your

to be so high that you can't run from your rapist if you want. So super high.

Blousy cow, palsy pants, and I was ready for the date. And we went on our date.

Already I brought a special bag. There's a special bag that women are required

to carry on a first date. It's called a clutch.

Small mouse purse.

A clutch, for those of you that don't know, is neither a synonym for the word

cool, nor does it have to do with a car. A clutch.

is a tiny purse that women carry on a first date. And the reason we carry it

because we can't carry a big bag because men don't like big bags.

First of all, it's not attractive.

You can't show up to a guy's house and say, Hey, ready for our first date,

Steve? Well, I just brought my bag right here. We don't got to go to no fancy

dinner or nothing. Nope. I brought me a hot plate. We can just plug it in.

Right here. We can do it on the lawn unless you're ashamed of me.

Yeah. You got an external power source? Maybe a generator? I'll call mine Jenny.

It's a little joke. Do you want beans? Do you like beans, Steve? I brought

beans. I don't need a can opener. I've got this shit.

We carry

the

little bag because men don't like big bag.

Men don't like big bags because big bags scare men. You show up on a first date

with a big bag, guy's first thought is, fuck, she's trying to move in. That's

the first thought.

And men don't like surprises. They're already weirded out by women in general.

They don't know what's in that bag. You can have guns in that bag, medication.

What's in the bag? What's in the bag?

What's in the bag?

Pampons, alimony papers, Gwyneth Paltrow's head. What's in the bag?

You're going to have a lot of problems. You're going to have medication in

there, restraining order, taking around a lot of that garbage with you. That's

why it's called baggage.

So we carry a little tiny clutch, carry a tiny bag to fool you.

We want you to think that all this perfection, I said perfection, comes

contents of this tiny rat purse.

Right? Just a couple of things. Every girl's told that lie when you first meet

someone. It takes me like 10 minutes to get ready.

10 minutes to get ready.

As you're telling the lie, you can feel it. In ten minutes, I promise, I'm

telling the truth.

It's fine.

And no woman in this room has ever closed a clutch on the first try.

Because it's true.

They're like, it was really hard getting here. Yes, it was on the first try.

Because when women pack for a first date, we don't pack for the date we're

to have. We pack for the date we want to have.

Imagination take over. I should bring a lip gloss.

I should bring one lip gloss for every degree of the sunsets because we're

to watch the sunset from the yacht. Do it.

Also bring my AAA card in case his Porsche breaks down. He has a Porsche.

What if he's, like, a secret millionaire and he, like, wants to make sure that,

like, I love him for him and, like, not his money because he's had, like,

problems with other girls in the past, like, wanting him for his money and,

like, he didn't know. Like, their love was pure and he, like, wants to test me,

which, like, I won't pretend that, like, you don't have to test me, but he does

because I really like money, but I'm going to pretend.

Not a big deal. And like maybe he's like the prince of like a small recent

liberated country that like I don't care about because I don't watch the news

and I should pretend that like I really care about him. So I should plan for

this date to be amazing. So I should bring a passport in case we go to dinner

Peros.

You get it all in the bag, right? You start to zip it. You get in your teeth

zipper like fucking close.

Please. You get it like halfway zipped.

You can't go on a date with a bag zipped halfway. That's ratchet.

So what do you do? You take everything out. All your accessories. You lay them

all out. Right?

It's tough. You gotta make some cuts.

So sorry ladies. You're all very valuable to the team. Not everyone can

varsity.

And rather than get rid of anything.

Right? What do you do at least once? You make an attempt to put everything back

in the bag.

But slowly.

Thinking if you're somehow purposeful in your actions.

You will sneak up on the bag.

And it won't know that it's full.

And you get it down to like one thing and then you snap. You're like, fuck it!

Everything goes in! Luna Bar's activity of dad issues.

Let's go.

So we went to a bar and we're sitting there and we sit down and he ordered one

drink the whole night.

Here's my problem with that.

Um...

It was a Friday night.

And I'm a lady. I want to party, but I'm a lady. So if you only have one drink,

that means I'm only going to have one drink. And if I only have one drink, how

the hell am I supposed to want to touch you later?

Okay?

Yeah. Thank you for being honest.

Do the math on that one, accountant.

Yeah.

Anyone that's not laughing at that, you're lying to yourself. That's what

alcohol is for.

Loosen yourself up a little bit. Make some choices you wouldn't normally make.

Whatever, I had some wine, it's okay. That's what it's for. Otherwise, why

the calories? Let's all just have a glass of warm milk and punch ourselves

the face.

He didn't even get alcohol, he had like a beer.

He had like an IPA.

And he had like taken a sip of his, I was done with my vodka soda.

I thought we were having a rave.

Sipping on his beer. I'm down to the ice in my drink, tonguing it like a dog on

a hot day.

I'm running into the bathroom, taking shots of scope from the attendant,

to get like a prison buzz, intruder's alcohol. I'm holding my breath, trying

just get some kind of high.

My problem with it wasn't necessarily that he only had one drink. My problem

with it really was that I had a problem with it. I'm 31, so I should have been

mature about it. And had I been dating more in my 30s, I think I would have

okay with that situation.

My friends that are in their mid -30s that have dated a lot of normal guys,

they'd be okay with that drink. And I wish that I was. I wish I could have

normal girl thoughts. I wish I'd sit there and have the drink and have normal

girl thoughts. Like, this one drink is really nice. I'm so grateful. This is

great.

He seems like a really sweet guy.

He's got really nice eyes.

I wonder what they look like in a jar. Like, normal thoughts.

But I'm still of the mindset that when I get a drink in me it sends a message to

my brain that it's go time All right

I'm 31. I'm not 90. It was a Friday not a Tuesday during

high tea. Let's make some fucking mistakes.

That's what it's about

A lot of people are wired this way. I get a sip of liquor. It sends a message

my party goblin that it's time to do it.

Everybody's got a party goblin. Some people have party goblins that have lost

their ability to walk from partying too much.

My party goblin sleeps on a bunk bed. She sleeps on the top bunk. My dignity

sleeps on the bottom bunk. He is not invited.

The second I taste liquor, it wakes her up. She smells in my brain. She's

sitting there dreaming of eating frozen pizza because she's a monster.

Huh?

Vodka.

Top shelf.

She goes to the megaphone that controls my actions. We've all had Party Goblin

control our actions.

You need to rage.

Find the door guy. Ask him if he has drugs. Do not specify. See what he comes

with.

Do it. Go.

Jump on top of that table. Start dancing. There is no music. I will

music.

You look so pretty.

Jump off that table. Run outside. Push that cop. See if he finds it adorable.

Ask him if you can touch his gun. The answer's always no.

Go over to that CVS. Find the dairy aisle. Grab some whipped cream. Do some

whippin'. It might kill you. It's fucking worth it. Go outside.

Take a picture. Put it on Instagram.

Take it down ten minutes later because oops, we can see your nipple.

So we left the bar right supervised off of our drink

And he drove me home so now we're in front of my house Okay, so we're sitting

his car in front of my house. So this is where a kiss takes place This is where

a first kiss takes place now as a girl You know when you put out the vibe that

you want to kiss all night Okay, men and women are wired differently for the guy

men are putting out the vibe all the time right now a lot of vibes all the

God I hope she sees my wiener That's what it is.

The vibe is ever present with guys. You want this? What's up? You want this?

Yeah? Anyone?

Anyone? No?

Little bit.

What? You're calling the cops? Okay.

See you on Facebook. Okay.

For girls, we're very specific about when we put out the vibe. Can't just

that shit around.

Gotta be specific about it.

Every girl's got things that she does to throw out the vibe. Maybe touch her

hair a little bit.

maybe you show off part of your body every girl's got that one body part she

knows is better than any other girls yeah maybe it's your form maybe all

you're like fuck yeah you want it you want to

fuck it's weird okay

when a girl knows that a guy's a little vulnerable and into her, we become like

an evil witch in Enchanted Forest and the guy becomes like the lost ingenue.

We know. Let's say your girlfriend just broke up with you. Let's say you were

cheated on. You're a little wounded.

We appear out of nowhere. You're sitting there like, oh, I hope I find a girl.

And we out of nowhere are just like, hello.

Apple.

Yes, I used to work in a pharmacy.

Whole new life for myself.

And we start saying things to you to lure you in like, yeah, this way.

love sports.

This way.

This way. Come this way. Oh, yes. What? What? A relationship? Not me. No, I just

want to fuck in perpetuity until you grow tired of me. This way.

Yes. What's that?

Your ex -girlfriend. Oh, she sounds like a bitch that I would love to fight with

my shirt off. This way.

This way to my gingerbread house.

Yes.

Yes. Come and nibble on the walls of my gingerbread house.

Yeah. What's that? Yes, it's a metaphor for my vagina. You're very clever. This

way. This way.

Said all the right things. Did all the right things. I knew we were going to

have a mouth kiss. Now, for the guy,

he has... to decide how he wants to kiss the girl. Now, that's a tough role.

It's just for guys to decide, okay? You have to decide how you're going to kiss

a girl, because if you kiss her too soft, you'll look like a big old puss,

if you kiss her too hard, charges will be filed. So you have to be careful.

Now, in this interaction, the girl also has her part to play. There are only

three places you can look when you're sitting in the passenger side of a

vehicle, only one of which is truly acceptable, okay?

You cannot look right at him.

That's too much eye contact.

He might take it as a threat. He might bite your neck. We don't know what he'll

do.

Okay? We don't know.

Plus it's creepy. He's sitting there like, do I kiss this girl? I don't know.

And you're just like, when

you

can't stare at your passenger side window, cause that's not enough eye

and you'll look like touched in the head. Okay.

He's sitting there looking at you like, do I kiss this girl? And you're just

like,

Side note, ladies, if his window does this, do not date him. Okay.

So the girl only has one option, and that is to sort of look down and stare

her hands and all of a sudden become fascinated with her cuticle situation.

That's amazing. I used to have feathers. That is so weird.

And sort of monitor the impending kiss out of your periphery. And when he gets

about halfway, you...

You strike.

Tee first so you know that he knows you mean business.

I've kissed like two guys. I think I know what I'm talking about. Okay.

So I was all set.

Blousy cow, palsy pants, fucking forearm, creepy witch. Like I was all

I knew we were going to have a mouth kiss. And apparently he had a different

plan. He had a cheek peck planned.

I did not see that coming.

Now I'm going to show you what happens when a cheek peck meets the intention of

a mouth kiss.

This is me. And this is him. He's sitting here. Oh, my God. No.

No.

Let's see the slow motion replay.

Embarrassing. It was so embarrassing.

It was sexual rejection, like in the weirdest form. I don't even remember how

got in my house. I just know that I ended up there.

What I think happened is that my embarrassment materialized into like a

magician's smoke bomb.

And I was just like, this never happened. And I was gone.

So now I'm inside my house. Now we've all had this happen where it was like

1030. So we've had this happen where you come home earlier on a weekend than you

thought you would.

You're all planning to go out and you come home way earlier. It's a very weird

feeling. Now for guys, they want to go back out, right? You want to get back

there, right?

Go team.

Get back out there because you want to get drunk and meet chicks. For girls,

it's a different motivation.

We want to go back out because I don't want to waste an outfit.

You try to contact your friends. Here's the problem. There's something energy

-wise that makes it very difficult when you're sober to go back out.

and rejoin your drunk friends you ever try getting like a location from your

drunk friends it's like it's like texting with a house cat and

they send you the weirdest stuff here's what happened they don't really care if

they see you because they went out together you were selfish you went rogue

went off on a date selfish went to go find love your friends formed like a

little mini mob and they band together and they formed a phalanx and they were

like let's find dudes and they went out together

You've had your fun. They don't care if they see you. They send you back weird,

seemingly innocuous texts like, we don't know the name of the bar.

We don't know how long we'll be here.

We're in outer space. Come find us.

After like 20 minutes of trying, you kind of resign yourself to the fact that

you're going to be home, right?

So what's the first step in deciding you're going to be home? You take off

going out clothes.

I had a silk blouse on. I didn't know how to care for it.

I didn't know what to feed it. I didn't know.

It's the fanciest material. It's like the caviar of the material family. I

didn't know. I stood by open French windows for 10 minutes waiting for

to come and undress me.

Took it off. Put on my at -home clothes. What are at -home clothes? Girls know

what at -home clothes are.

Clothes you put on when no one else is around.

Super gross.

All the guys here are like, look, I've been with my girl and we're by

She's super cute. Yeah, no, we don't do that. We don't wear roll -down boxers

and socks up to here because you're kind of a pedophile and pigtails and like a

thing. We don't do that when we're by ourselves.

What girls do when we're by ourselves? We dig deep into the trunk of like old t

-shirts. You pull out your t -shirt from middle school, right?

It's got paint on it.

Got your Abercrombie varsity athletic pants from like 1997, stripes on them,

put those on, right?

Sweatshirts got holes in it, pants have holes in them, underwear has holes in

it, socks have holes in them. Why are there holes in your clothes? Because

corrode.

And you wander listlessly through your house. You look homeless, but you're in

home, so that doesn't make sense. Just kind of...

Right? You wander from room to room. You have no agenda. You're just kind of

like not ready to go to bed yet. You go to a room where the light's off. You

flip it on. Like 1 % of you is expecting there to be like a serial killer.

Knowing full well if he's there, you're done for because you're not. You're at

home clothes. Nothing.

Can't defend yourself.

Flip it back off. You wander into the kitchen.

Not really hungry. You don't really make a meal for yourself, do you? You just

kind of like stick your hand deep in a bag of deli turkey.

Right? A couple crackers. Maybe like two Starbursts for dessert.

Staring at nothing. Maybe you have a show in the background on. Maybe

on. Hypothetically me every night. I don't know. I'm just watching.

Sitting there eating it. You start saying weird things to your dog. Like,

day you will be my wife.

I'm sitting there doing this.

Phone buzzes. It's a text message.

Who's it from?

The accountant.

What does it say? Is he going to ask me out again? Does he like me? What's it

going to say? Hey, Eliza. Had a great time tonight. Would love to have kissed

you, but I have to be up early.

I don't even know how to answer that like a human. You sent me a text that is

untext backable.

First of all, what do you mean? Who are you making out with?

Wolverines? That your legs are just immobile the next day?

You sent me... something that stupid, I'm not giving you the dignity of a

text back. You're not even getting a regular... You're not even getting back

regular emoji. There's no winky face. There's no sad face. I'm going deep into

that emoji bank. And I am pulling out fried shrimp.

I think what bothered me about the whole thing is it was sexual rejection.

No matter how you slice it. And it bothered me because I wasn't saying,

get married. Let's make plans to meet my mom. It was a kiss.

And so even though you denied the kiss, it's still denying me sexually, which is

very uncomfortable for girls. We're not used to that.

Again, guys get sexually rejected as part of being a guy. You want it? Nope.

Okay. Anyone else?

One over here. Dick over here. Penis over there. One, two, two, two. Over

Right here.

Soul.

To the seven in the corner with low standards.

It was a mouth kiss. And you rejecting that is the equivalent of you being

hey, Eliza, you see this? None for you.

Let's talk about this for a second.

Because every girl's seen this. I talked about this on my last special. Every

girl's seen a guy do this.

So I've done some thinking on the topic of this.

And I want to let you girls know.

Because girls get offended. Like, that's so gross. Why are you doing that at a

family picnic? What are you doing?

Girls, I want to give you some peace of mind and let you know that it actually

has nothing to do with you. He would be doing this whether you were there or

not.

Take it as an insult. Take it as a compliment. Whatever you want.

I don't have an issue that guys do this. My issue is that there's no

reciprocation on the female end.

Gentlemen, you'd be very upset.

If you're like laying in bed, ready to have sex, game's on pause, ready to go.

And your girlfriend came out of the bathroom in just a t -shirt, no bottoms.

Hey babe.

And she just did some sort of like weird vaginal puppetry.

Hashtag vaginal puppetry.

You'd be very upset.

If she just came out, she's like, babe!

Eh.

If

there are

any guys here not laughing, that's how we feel about that.

of human procreation, men would cease having sex with women. They'd be super

grossed out. They'd move to the woods.

They'd take raccoons as wives. Like, we would just, it would be horrible.

And I think what's weird about it is, as a girl, you are open to the threat of a

guy doing this at any point.

If you're dating a guy, he could do it a week in, a year in, ten years in. It

could be in the bedroom, in a concert, the produce aisle. This could happen at

any minute.

And that fear is ever present in your mind. So I think if men and women are to

ever be fair and equal, guys should have an inherent fear of Raptor Vag.

Hashtag Raptor Vag.

It's only fair.

So I have a plan.

Tonight we strike.

Every guy in here on a date is like, Jesus, fuck.

Why don't we buy tickets for this? Oh, they were free still Here's what's gonna

happen. Here's my plan. Okay tonight My boyfriend is sleeping.

Let me take it back. I'm gonna get a boyfriend Wait till he's sleeping, okay

Sneak up in there and you when you do this cuz you're going to do it right

swear when you do it

You want to make sure that he's in REM sleep. It's the deepest, most luxurious

sleep, okay?

REM sleep. You need to check to see that he's in REM sleep. How do you make sure

someone's in REM sleep? It's very easy. You open their eye while they're

sleeping.

You ever do this to someone while they're sleeping?

Fuck you guys. I'm not the only one that's done this.

And you say things to him like, I love you. Look back and forth if you love me

too.

Make sure he was sleeping so he's leaving I've established that and I go

the other room and I would pin for a little bit pin pin pin and then I would

in I Would take out my raptor claw Okay And I would sharpen my nails down not to

a point that was sharp enough that you could like stab a meerkat and eat it if

you Wanted to but you want like a rounded point. So the pressure will be

localized. Okay, like an apex of sorts, okay Rounded really give us a raptor,

you know, like went to get a manicure. She'd be like make it lovely

So I'd make it lovely and I'd sheath it for my own protection.

And I'd go in and I'd descend upon the sleeping boyfriend.

And I would apply the raptor claw to his cheek. And I would gently stroke.

Not enough to awaken, but merely to stir.

Okay? Why am I doing that? I'll tell you. What I'm doing is introducing

stimuli into his land of slumber. Who talks like that? I'm introducing...

External stimuli into his subconscious, that's permeating his dreams, okay?

So whatever he's doing in his dream, he's going to feel this, and somewhere

the back of his brain, he's going to be like, oh shit, raptor bitch.

Doing this lets him know, it's not unlike when you're having a dream, and

say you're talking to like a model, and your alarm clock goes off, so she's

like, another reason I don't like to wear underwear.

That's the equivalent of that, okay?

So I would do this. So in his dreamland, he would feel the, and he would know.

And then, so he's like, he's still sleeping, but he's feeling this. And

the final stage, I would sneak up to him and I would sound the raptor mating

call. It would resonate all throughout the land of Nod. And he would know. And

he's sitting there in his dream, delivering his naked high school

speech, whatever dream he's having.

He would hear the raptor mating call and he'd be like, oh fuck, mama's here. He

would know.

So I get in his ear and I do the raptor mating call right before I striked.

Okay. I stroked. I striked.

I stripped. Okay.

I get in his ear.

Raptor mating call.

And he was, huh?

And I go.

jacket. Girls are weird.

We do weird things, but we're cute, so it's okay.

Girls do crazy things. It's our own brand of crazy. Guys do crazy things

like rape and war. They do their own kind of crazy things.

Girls have a more insidious kind of crazy. Sometimes we'll start a fight

you just to see if we can make it look like you started the fight.

We have to do it three times a year or we lose our standing in the club.

Every girl's done that just to see how strong your powers are.

I don't want to fight with you. Stop it.

I don't want to fight with you. I didn't start this. You started this. You

started acting weird.

I don't want to fight with you. Bullshit. I don't want to fight with

We'll turn around. We'll talk to a fake Jerry. I don't. What is this?

I don't want to fight with you. This is on you, okay? I'm peaceful. You're being

a dick.

I don't even... You're being... Stop it. Stop it. What are you doing? You're

like yelling. Stop it. I don't want to fight with you. But in your girl head,

you're like... I want to...

I want to fight with you.

I woke up feeling chubby this morning.

And that is somehow your fault.

Get in the octagon.

We do all kinds of head games. Go hang out with your friends. That's fine.

Do it.

Go hang out with your friends. I dare you.

I know you made plans with me. That's fine. Go. Go hang out with your friends.

That's fine. I want you to be happy.

Do it.

Go hang out. There are no friends.

Only Zool.

Look, I'm sure being a guy has its difficulties. I haven't been one in a

so I don't really know what that's like.

But girls have a lot of stuff that are being thrown at them all the time.

suss out what's good for us and weed out the positive messages. I truly believe

our society operates on a currency of women's insecurities.

Multi -billion dollar industries thriving on like, just make them feel

their bodies are unacceptable and then like sell them some shit.

Look at any magazine. Like you're amazing, but you need to lose like 10

Love your body. Love your hair. Whatever you've done is wrong. You look like a

sea monster.

Everything's got, like, a weird mixed message and a weird, like, hoary

undertone. Like, be a bad girl. Own your sexuality.

But if you fuck more than one dude, you're a whore. Like, everything's

Now, you can't just go around, like, effing dudes. But you can have sex with

more than one, and that's okay.

Even my eyeliner has a sexual message. It's called bad gal.

14 -year -olds can buy this. Are they bad gals? Yeah, tiny bad gals.

It comes with a little devil that sits on your shoulder. And as you're putting

it on, it whispers salacious things in your ear. Like, oh, I better get ready

for the... You're a bad gal.

Close that window. Yeah, I better get ready. Yeah, you want to fuck in a

dumpster. What are you talking about?

It doesn't sound like a bad gal as much as someone that just needs a home. I

don't... I'm not a bad gal. I'm just trying to put on eyeliner so I don't

like newborn hamster face. I'm just trying to...

Yeah, no, you're a bad gal. I'm not a bad gal. Yeah, you are. You want to give

handjob at an Acura going 50 and a 30.

No insurance.

You're a bad gal. What are you talking about?

I have insurance.

What's my blush called? Flirty girl.

Yeah, tart it up, you hooker.

Yeah, look super horny, ready to go.

You're a flirty girl.

Dress like that, you were asking for. Dress like what? Like a cool mom out on

like mom's night out? Like dress like what?

Yeah, you want to fuck in a dumpster. What's with you and fucking with

dumpsters? I want to fuck in a dumpster. Well, you're projecting.

Again my issue with it isn't that there's a sexual undertone my issue with

that it's a negative message to women But guys reap a positive effect right

like oh, she's a bad girl. Maybe she'll touch my D. That's pretty much the

message coming out of that Maybe she'll wear spike leather gloves.

Yeah on a motorcycle She's probably a lesbian she's on a motorcycle, okay bad

gal There's no men's products. There are no men's products that have like a

negative message to men, but women reap a positive effect.

There's no guy putting on cologne, and as he's doing it, he's hearing, you're

going to text her back within a reasonable time frame.

There's no guy putting on aftershave, and as he's putting it on, he's hearing,

you're 37 and share a room with two other dudes in the hipster part of town.

outside of the context of Los Angeles, it's actually totally socially

unacceptable, bro. What's that? You run a t -shirt making business? Awesome. You

only have online shit? That's cool. No real t -shirts. Also, you ride a bike to

work and claim it's ecologically responsible, but we all know your credit

fucked you can't get financing for a Kia.

lot to contend with as a girl we have different rules for being a girl girls

like girls should be equal we can fuck whoever we want it's not the way it

should be we're the fairest sex for a reason lady we have a responsibility if

you want guys to do things like pay for dinner and open doors you have to act

like a lady you can't act like a guy we're just not built for it sorry if

crushing some of you it's just the truth fuck my girlfriend called me the other

night she's like do you want to go out with us after your skit

Continuing to not fully comprehend what I do for a living. That's fine.

But we're talking about it. And in the back was my drunk friend.

Drunk friend never gets to hold the phone. Drunk friend's always in the

background yelling shit at the sober one.

Drunkie's always like tethered to the sober one. Like, ah!

I miss you!

I'm gonna yell, I miss you. Girls always do that. And you don't miss them.

You're like, miss you too, babe.

Come out with us!

She kept yelling at me. I'm like, what is she talking about? Come out with us!

I'm sorry, do whatever you want. I feel if you're a lady, that is never a

sentence that should be uttered with anticipation in future tense. It is only

sentence that should be said with the utmost aberration in past tense.

It should never be, I'm going to fuck a stranger.

It should always be, oh my God, I fucked a stranger.

Oh my God.

We always talk about the downside when girls sleep with someone. There's a lot

of risk that it poses for women. However, We take up for the guy side for

second. I do believe there are plenty of guys in here, good guys, that have gone

to bed with a girl for like a one night stand thinking like, I found someone

special. I really like her. And then you wake up the next morning next to like a

fat water rat. Like these things have happened.

Okay. Plenty of guys in here, I'm sure, thought they went to bed with like an

absolute angel.

And tomorrow morning, this might happen to you tonight. You're going to go out

in Denver on a Friday. You're going to go out, you meet a girl. Oh, she's so

angelic, so beautiful. And tomorrow morning, you are going to wake up next

Satan himself.

You're going to look down.

At your sheets, there's going to be a pile of sheets, and they'll just be like

undulating, pulsating, and there'll be heat lines coming off of it.

Good morning. Excuse me. Is it Stacy?

No one by the name of Stacy is here.

Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed. I thought your name was Stacy.

Il nombre non es importante.

Wow. Well, judging by that and the smell of sulfur, I'm going to take a guess

that you are Satan?

Yes.

Clip -clop.

Yes. Look, you got to go, why? I thought we were going to get breakfast, smoochy

pie.

We can't get breakfast because, look, I cheated on my girlfriend and I...

You what?

You cheated. You cheated on me. Are you crying lava? Fucking right, I'm crying

lava.

I'm the devil. What do you think I'm going to cry? Of course it's lava.

so fucked up. I thought you were a good guy. Fuck you.

Fuck you. All right, all right. Just get out of here. No, you know what? I know

when you're going to die. Are you fucking serious? Nope, that's the angel

death. I'm just kidding.

People think we're the same, but we're not. We're just similar height. We both

have brown hair.

All right, you got to go. Don't fucking touch me.

Get off my tail. I'm going.

Give me some bus fare.

In my hoof.

What are you laughing at? I'm sorry, I just, I think it's ridiculous that

taking the bus. Yes, I'm taking the bus, okay?

I am fiscally responsible.

Do you know how hard it is to be the devil?

I have no business. The Kardashians take, like, all of my business. I'm not

joking.

It's really hard to earn an honest dollar, okay?

Ridiculous. I had to have sex with Kris Jenner and everything. It was horrible.

She's evil.

Of course I don't have any money. What do you expect me to ride around? Of

course I take public transportation. I am a demon of the people.

Okay? What do you expect me to drive around in a hearse made of skulls? Okay?

I'm not Rob Zombie. I'm not an asshole. Okay?

Give me $6 .66 and I'll be on my way.

Alright, fucking go. I have a question. What?

Is it cold outside?

You guys are a wonderful crowd.

There's no elegant way to wipe off a sweat mustache.

I was talking at the beginning about how a lot of my friends are getting married

and I'm happy for them. I think that I'm just in a different headspace at the

moment. They all get really excited to plan their weddings and I get really

excited to plan a breakup.

Guys, hear me out on this.

Girls do weird things. And from the day we start dating you, we keep tabs on

everything you do wrong.

So that if and when we decide to break up with you, because I don't know.

The wind changes direction.

We can then refer to said list, extrapolate one isolated incident, and

as the piece de resistance of our breakup masterpiece.

You don't believe me? You ever been dating a girl? Everything's going great.

know, things are mediocre. Okay, not great, but whatever. Things are fine.

she breaks up with you out of the blue like, you breaking up with me? Yes, your

feet look like eagle claws. There I said it. Caw -caw.

Say caw -caw goodbye.

It seems like it's out of nowhere. We let things build. And it could be like a

hairpin trigger. You could be sitting at your anniversary dinner. I'm thinking

about getting salmon. I'm fucking done.

Like it doesn't really matter.

Just so you know, I'm not cavalier about this. I put time and effort into these

breakups. You put time and effort into dating me. I'm going to return said time

and effort, plus interest, a very good ROI, on that breakup, okay?

These are handcrafted breakups.

Hand hewn.

Echo in California.

Taylor made.

Forged from the fires of your own insecurities, specialty breakups, okay?

I don't do a generic breakup.

I don't do a breakup template.

I don't do the whole, oh my God, it's me, not you. No, it's you, motherfucker.

Here's a list of reasons why.

I was dating a guy who dated for three months and we were on our first date.

right? So it's a first date. So we're doing first dates, right? We're at a

we're drinking, talking, taking muscle relaxers. It's like a first date. And I

was asking him first date questions. Like, what do you do? Where are you

What do you max out at? Like just stuff you want to know.

I was like, Oh, what are, what's your middle name? Just asking questions.

your middle name? He goes, my middle name is Paul.

Now, reciprocity in like a normal conversation would dictate that perhaps

next question to me should have been,

Why? That's right.

What's your middle name? But he never asked me my middle name. And I fucking

remembered that.

Because here's the deal.

He wasn't necessarily wrong in not asking me that. Men and women

differently. I'm surprised we can be in the same room without ripping each

other's genitals off, quite frankly.

If you went back and you said to him, why didn't you ask her her middle name?

He'd be like, what? At the time she had long hair. I thought she was a mermaid.

Like not even in the same stratosphere.

And what's crazy is every guy in this room was like, yeah, right on, mermaid

hair. I get it.

And where I went wrong, where girls tend to go wrong, is I didn't tell him why I

was mad.

We don't tell you why we're mad because you should know, which is insane.

We barely know why we're mad. I don't know, but something happened and now I'm

mad.

I don't know why I'm mad, but you should know. The secrets are locked in my

brain.

Did you eat a key? I did.

That and the plate and the leaves from earlier. I feel fat.

We just sit there stoic with this like stepford -wise facade and we let it rot

our brains and we sit there smiling But it devolved we're just like he didn't

ask my middle name That means he doesn't want to get to know me my hopes my

thoughts my dreams my feelings my friends My family will never have a baby

that's the way that devolved So

I began planning the breakup on the first date

We dated for about three months, and at the conclusion of three months, I

decided that I wanted to do a rain breakup.

Felt the rain would be emblematic of the tear shed during the courtship. A lot

of poetry in that.

Rain breakup, wanna break up in the rain.

Oh my god, rain, right?

It's all different kinds of rain breaks up. You can do one in an alley crying.

You could do one, you could be a young British country girl in the 1800s

through a field. No!

You're in a white dress, no shoes. Women actually weren't allowed to wear shoes

until 1962.

Fun fact. No!

I can't be with you. I've been betrothed to another Jeremiah.

Why? I love you so much. No!

Running in the rain, and it's cascading. I've got long hair. They didn't have

scissors back then either. Just long hair.

I'd wrap it around like a belt. It's weird. And I'd be running, and it would

cascade over white, so it was just see -through. You wouldn't see areola, but

you'd see nipple bumpage, right? Like Rachel, friend, circa 1997, network

nipple, right?

Running.

Fucking doing it. No bra. Running hard. No bra. Because in your fantasy, your

tits are like rocks. Just running.

Every girl in this room has fantasized about kissing a boy in the rain. Which,

if you've ever actually done it, is fucking horrible. You will get the flu.

I live in Los Angeles. That's not clean rain. That's fucking rats, cabbage,

headshots, lettuce.

Kale. Three types of leafy greens. We're healthy. Syringes. Dreams.

Couldn't do a rain breakup. It rained one day while we were dating, but I was

wearing a wool sweater, so... You know.

You can't get wool wet. You're going to smell like a dirty sheep.

No one's going to miss you.

You breaking up with me? I'm breaking up with you.

So I had to plan an alternate breakup. Now, before I share with you my

fantasy breakup, I'm going to tell you the way we actually broke up.

The way we actually broke up was yours truly got a little drunk and a little

honest one night and texted him something to the effect of, you don't

Breaking Bad. How are we supposed to be together?

That's actually how we broke up.

Fried shrimp.

So now I'm going to share with you my ultimate fantasy breakup.

In my fantasy.

We would be sitting on my couch at my house.

And I would be like a little bit more tan than I am now. So people would be

like, where'd you go on vacation?

I'd be like, it's a secret.

And I'd probably, my hair would be a little bit longer. But like not like too

long. I'd have like layers. You know what I'm talking about? Like a long bob.

You know what I'm talking about?

Like where you want to keep the length but not the weight. So you'd have like

layers. You know what I'm talking about?

And maybe like highlights in the front but maybe like a partial. Like we

probably don't need to do the back. Like some warmer tones. Like a honey for the

fall. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Okay. Sitting on my couch.

In my house. And I would start a fight.

Out of nowhere.

When you're a woman, you possess a magical, innate ability to create

where there formerly was none.

Alright, we're talking out of thin fucking air.

We could do this as a show in Las Vegas. Like argument illusionists. Just

creating them.

Nothing up my sleeve, nothing in my hand. Now there's a fight, motherfucker.

Maybe we'll have a dove.

I don't know the budget. I don't know what we'll have.

The point is, gentlemen, if the girl wants to have a fight, the lady shall

a fight.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

You can cough. That's enough. That's enough Kindle for that fire.

Sitting there watching TV.

What did you say?

I didn't say anything. What the fuck did you just say?

I didn't say anything. You know what? And I would start crying.

Start crying. I'm telling you now that I'm going to cry then.

I'm planning to cry.

I'm going to put it in my phone. Set reminder. Cry later.

I'm going to make myself cry.

How do you make yourself cry? That's what you're thinking right now. Eliza,

do you make yourself cry? A lot of actresses get paid a lot of money to

themselves cry. How do you make yourself cry? I'm going to tell you. You take a

small... pocket knife. I'm just kidding.

Turn around and unbeknownst to him, I would pluck a solitary nose hair.

You ever do that?

That shit hurts.

Real bad.

It's physically undetectable.

And it's going to escalate the energy of your argument very quickly.

Your argument will magically be transformed from, you know what, just

Big tears, okay?

Girls, I'll tell you why it's important to have big tears, okay?

If you're going to make the attempt to elicit an emotional response from an

otherwise emotionally unavailable individual, you must be demonstrative

your ocular lubrication, okay?

Unlike women, men are very black and white. They respond to big gestures,

Big tears means I am sad. This is not fun.

I do not like this. I'm sad now.

That's what big tears say.

You can't risk it with little snivelly allergy tears. That's a mixed message.

That's not clear. He doesn't, what do you fucking want?

What do you want? He might go kill you a squirrel and bring it back. He doesn't

know what you want.

So I'd start crying. I'd be like, you know what? Forget it. And I would run

of my own house. I'd run outside. Now, prior to starting this fight, I would

have gone into the street and set up orange parking cones in the street.

Okay? Because for my ultimate fantasy breakup, I want to have a street fight

breakup.

And anyone that's ever fought in a street knows you need a designated

area. Okay?

That's a public thoroughfare. You can't just run into it and start fighting.

This isn't West Side Story. You're going to get hit by a Buick.

So I'd run outside and I'd run into the comfort of the designated fighting area,

the DFA. I'd run into it.

Run into it. I'd immediately start yelling. I hate you. Why am I yelling?

Cause I'm angry. I'm not angry.

Want the neighbors to come out.

The neighbors to come out. I want them to see how you treat me. He treats me

fine.

Like it's fine. Like we got frozen yogurt that morning. Like it's fine.

I want them to come out. I want their energy.

I want their attention.

I need an audience. Like obviously. So I'd have it set up and he'd.

Run out. He'd be like, Eliza, what is your problem? Get back inside.

I'd be like, you don't tell me what to do. I'm an independent woman. I listen

Beyonce. Surfboard.

Surfboard.

What does that mean? No one knows.

What are you so upset about? I feel like, I just feel like, um, this is so

because I feel like I'm like letting you down. I just feel like we don't even

talk anymore and

What we argue about.

You quoting Boyz II Men? Maybe.

I don't know why you're so upset. And then I would begin. I just feel like,

I'm sorry. I just feel like, I just feel like, why is this dry?

with a great girl i want you to be with a great girl sort of and i want you to

be i feel like we have a really good time together and you're wonderful but i

feel like i'm not the girl for you okay is that it and we have fun but i don't

feel like we're gonna be together i feel like we're just like wasting time and

we don't belong together i feel like we don't really even know each other of

course we know each other of course i know you really what's my middle name

Because I can.