Original subtitles

Girl, I got a voice message.

Hey, boys. It's me, Teddy.

I have an idea for the final show.

-Okay? -Here it is...

We'll give the audience a great time.

Like, go all out.

And I was thinking Antoine could open the show.

Go out on stage and perform some wild number.

And kind of host the show.

Okay.

I don't think that's such a cool idea.

Kids! I'm doing my own show tonight!

-Okay. -Just saying, in case you want to come.

Ernst and Percy, you can think of something else

that we can give the audience.

The theme is "giving."

-Today, it's on us. -Phenomenal.

-Love you. -Fuck off.

-Have a nice day. -Yep.

It's going well.

I'm going to smash it. I'll absolutely smash it.

It's going to be a state of emergency in there today.

THE TEDDY TECLEBRHAN SHOW

Let's go, you little bitches.

People always ask, "How can you be sexy?"

-I say, "Why's a banana curvy?" -Don't ask me

I'm a sexy guy, of course I am

Everyone says it, even Helene

-And I say -Don't ask me

Probably kissed by angels On my forehead, neck, chest

-Everywhere, that's why I'm so sexy -Don't ask me

I'll tell you one thing It's not that easy

Being sexy It's hard, dude, don't ask me

I'm a queen

Not a princess, not a prince, queen

Freddie Mercury

Not a prince, I'm a queen

Walking around on the street with my lady

-People ask me, "How hot is she?" -Don't ask me

Another guy comes around the corner Takes a look and says

"What's with her?" I say, "That's just how she stands"

"She always stands a little crooked Always a bit hunched"

-"That's Helene, that's how she stands." -So what?

"Let her stand there She rocks anyway"

"She's into it, boy Don't look at me, don't ask me"

Let us live, live and let live

Let us live, live and let live

Let us live, live and let live together

Let's live together Freddie Mercury, together

Not a princess, not a prince, queen

Fredie Mercury

Not a princess, I'm a queen

I'm a queen

Not a princess, not a prince, queen

Freddie Mercury

Let me know when you get here I'll buzz you in

-Not a princess, not a prince... -Queen!

Freddie Mercury!

Let me know when you get here, I'll buzz you in.

Ladies and gentlemen, what can I say, today's topic is "giving."

That means we'll be giving everything we got.

Whether that's telling a story,

whether it's material things.

And the first of us to decide what to give

was Alex.

Alex has prepared something.

He was practicing all morning.

You prepared something.

The number you practiced earlier.

Don't leave me hanging here like that, just show it to us.

Show them the thing from this morning.

Cool.

Awesome. Moving on to the next topic.

It's going great, right? Teamwork.

Jürgen?

Yes, Antoine?

As you can see, it's going kind of badly.

-Yes? -What I had planned with Alex.

This is refusal to work.

-Just saying. -I didn't know either,

but maybe you could tell another story about Stotzenhof?

Of course.

Sure. Of course I can tell a story.

Once upon a time...

way back in the day,

I was walking down the street.

What happened? Red light.

Okay, I'll wait.

I look to the left, right, no one's there.

Next traffic light. Yellow.

Good sign, right?

I look to the left, Stotzenhof.

I'm just puk... Hey.

Hey!

Hey!

Just talking about it, man...

I'm puking, because I'm...

I had just been drinking. So, I'm puking...

I go into the Stotzenhof, "Does anyone have anything to drink?"

"Of course. Here, sangria."

I...

Sangria! I drank that with no problems.

Back and forth.

Twenty years later, Stotzenhof was torn down.

Was that the kind of story you meant, Jürgen?

-I thought it was good. Interesting. -Awesome.

As long as the audience can take something from it.

Today is about giving.

Ladies and gentlemen...

The quality level of the entertainment will stay the same.

We're going to put on something by me, Antoine Burtz.

It's the casting show I did three quarters of a year ago

with Irim Berbes, I mean Iris Berben,

Hein Lautenbach, Karine Herfurth,

Alfred Schuch...

Emilia Schüler, and so on.

I'll show you how the whole thing ends.

Because who knows if any of them got the role.

That's the question.

Let's tell them how it went.

-Yes, he asked for it. -Hello.

Eight bags of sugar.

ANTOINE'S CASTING THE BIG DECISION

-Hallo. -Hi.

Do you know something?

Yes, I looked at everything.

At all of your tapes again just now.

Results... Want to hear about your tests?

-Yes, of course. -Of course.

You've already played some parts, right?

Because I saw some of your stuff.

Good thing you're sitting down.

Let's put it this way...

It was fatal. For all of you.

-"Fatal"? -Not good, or what?

-Fatal? -Fatal.

-Are we done? -In my entire life...

I've been in the industry for ages.

In my entire life, I'd never seen anything like that.

Never. From any of you.

-Really? -Catastrophic.

I...

I just tried everything in post-production.

With AI, too. Even AI said, "Hey, I give up."

"I can't do it."

Even the intelligence said, "No."

-"That's the most I can do." -If you're controlling the intelligence...

Excuse me, but honestly.

-This can't be... -The script's so shitty.

-You can't even say the lines properly. -Honestly?

I googled what you all do.

Heiner, I didn't know you'd done a couple of movies.

Iris, for you, to be honest...

Never seen them.

I had no idea. Karoline...

-Okay... -Just spit it out.

Just say it.

-I'm going to do it myself. -Wow.

All by myself. Yeah.

-I'm going to act it all by myself. -Okay.

Not you. Nor you, you or you.

You, you, you. Nobody. Just me.

I'll be Schnitzer the Snitch.

-I'll be the owner of the garage. -Okay, cool.

I'll be the long-distance runner.

Because I have long legs.

-I don't know if you noticed. -Yes.

Okay. I guess I'll never film anything with Amazon again.

-There are other streaming companies. -Yeah, I'm going to Netflix.

Fuck you.

You know that's wasteful, right?

"Fatal," he said.

THE END

Thank you!

They're truly disgusting.

Here, I'll take some over to the audience.

Who wants some?

They taste so good, hey.

The topic for today is giving, so we're just giving out stuff.

Because it's just obvious...

Oprah Winfrey gives out cars.

And we give out popcorn.

Or popsicles.

You okay?

Are you a dancer, too?

Are you a dancer?

-Me? -No, I meant him.

So cool, hey. Eat some cookies, too.

Could you take this bag and pass them out yourself?

You should help out, too. Why do I have to do it all myself?

If you're wondering whether this show will appear exactly like this on Prime,

with the handing out of popsicles,

I can assure you

it'll be shown exactly like this on the streaming platform.

Jürgen, what should we do now?

Let the others pass out a few things.

Are you saying that was it from me?

Just come out here and hand out stuff, that was my performance?

Do you think they're happy now, since we gave them popsicles?

Do you think that? Jürgen?

Jürgen!

Does that make them happy?

-I think so. -What do you mean?

They're fucking bored.

Oh, man.

I want to kick something.

This is bullshit.

Every time!

Fucking bullshit.

So...

I just came out for a minute because...

Percy and Antoine have been running the show.

So I thought I'd come out for a bit, too,

since I've been watching from backstage. It's going great...

I'll take this chance... I'll leave now, I, as Teddy, just wanted to say this.

Thanks to everyone who came today. To everyone

watching at home.

Well, not now, but later.

Thanks.

I also have to say

that this has been the very first show

in which my large team and I

have tried to bring together

the entire Teddy universe without a real format.

It's the first time it's actually personal, with Stotzenhof,

the youth center where I used to hang out with my friends.

That's why there's a lot of searching and finding out.

Sometimes you find out, sometimes you don't, or you leave it open.

But it's definitely my world.

It's what happens inside me, how I go through life.

More or less.

So thank you for being here.

Hello, this is Frank Schüttler speaking.

Since I was informed by Ernst Riedler

about the auditions in my absence,

I'd like to bring some clarity about Antoine Burtz' behavior.

So, Mr. Burtz recently undertook an internship at my casting agency.

But he made a bad impression

because instead of fulfilling his actual functions,

he wanted to take over production, the script,

and the main role of the project.

I would therefore like to give some tips to Mr. Burtz.

First of all, the casting director doesn't write the script.

Second, actors aren't liable for the costs of the project.

And third,

nobody would go to an audition

if the title of the project was "Schnitzer the Snitch."

Can't I just enjoy my vacation for once?

Jürgen, honestly, what was that?

-I don't know either. -Doesn't make any sense.

Exactly. Operator, put me through to Jürgen.

Yes, to the director. Exactly.

There he is. Jürgen.

Well? How are things?

Today's topic is giving,

and you have some... Let's call it "footage"?

You can speak English, right? Footage.

In it, you can clearly see

that Antoine...

How Antoine carries out...

a scam.

So, if we could show that on the show,

so that he'll go to prison soon, that would be great, Jürgen.

Afterwards, we can have a beer.

Yes, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

See you later, man.

I'm actually here to do an audition for Frankie.

Something happened.

-Does "paragliding" mean anything to you? -Yes, of course.

What about "naked paragliding"?

"Naked Paragliding"? Sounds exciting.

So he did that?

And then he got stuck.

Yep. On a tree.

Poor guy. I hope he recovers soon.

He's a free-diver, but he was just snorkeling.

He was just in a kiddie pool.

It was a mindfuck. He thought he was free-diving.

Then he dove into the pool.

But it was only 30 centimeters deep.

Then he came back up,

looked around to see if anyone saw. A lot of people did.

They all went, "We saw it!"

Okay, but is he alright?

In consideration... In consideration of his condition.

I know, Frank.

I was expecting Frank Schüttler.

He couldn't make it, sadly.

-Okay. -I don't know if you heard,

he's emigrating.

For professional reasons or...

He wanted to stay,

but his wife said, "We're leaving."

Then he said, "But why?"

And she said, "I'll explain it on the way."

Smart woman.

His wire-haired dachshund bit him.

Very aggressive dog.

He bit him,

and then, as a reflex, Frank...

He used to do kung fu for many years,

he kicked the dog.

And the dog went flying.

Sad story. Do you want to hear the rest?

Then Frank grabbed him,

the dog, like this.

Then the dog... everywhere.

Then Frank did this to him.

Then they bit each other.

He was ice-skating.

And then he...

-At the... -He fell on his face.

-Yeah? -Totally, yes. And now...

He wanted to learn a trick.

-Which one? -Pirouette.

Pirouette, okay.

He's still practicing it, while wearing a cast.

Got it.

-Antoine? -Yes?

Where are you going?

I just wanted to see if the door was closed. It is.

It's closed. Completely closed.

Closed. The bench's here, everything's okay back here.

Are you okay?

Great hair.

Let's keep going, right?

Go outside and get the car ready.

Wait outside.

We're getting the hell out of here.

I screwed up.

Ladies and gentlemen,

before I get a move on,

I'd like to perform my new song for you.

Because...

The song is called

"I'm Just Heading Out."

You know?

If the police come by

to check you.

"Whoops, can't right now, I'm just heading out."

"Bye-bye, it's been nice."

"Bye, I had a nice time."

"Bye-bye, it's been nice."

"Bye, I had a nice time."

Bye-bye, it's been nice.

Just so you know the chorus.

Awesome.

So, should we perform it?

Awesome. Drop it.

Let's get the mood back up.

Take it to another level.

Come on! Phil, what's up?

A big round of applause for Phil from the bus stop.

What's going on here?

It's crazy here.

My goodness. It's the premier.

Screw it.

Hello

I'm back

Back on track, like a train conductor

Tickets please, show me your tickets

If you forgot yours Please stay seated

Today is free of cost, a kind of present

From your humble Antoine, a present

The conductor is tripping

Bright colors, Palm Beach, fine rib

Lollipops in all colors Cake, cookies with chocolate

No need to pay

Everyone asks, "Is this free or do we need to pay?"

Chill out This is Antoine's fave free store

Yeah, yeah, yeah, lean back

Please fall into happiness Everyone who showed up today

Gets a steak, no layovers here

We're going full speed non-stop

Inside, it's cool Outside, jet flame vibes

Bye-bye, it's been nice Bye-bye, it's been nice

Bye-bye, it's been nice I'm just heading out

Bye-bye, it's been nice Bye-bye, it's been nice

Bye-bye, it's been nice I'm just heading out

Bye-bye, it's been nice Bye-bye, it's been nice

Bye-bye, it's been nice I'm just heading out

Bye-bye, it's been nice

I have something to say.

Flower-power woman Seeks farmer with a heart

Farmer seeks a wife, backwards They're both mad, heartbreak

You know what I mean, right? I'll do it again.

Flower-power woman Seeks farmer with a heart

Farmer seeks a wife, backwards They're both mad, heartbreak

Please stand up

This is your dance teacher speaking Left, right, booty shake

Go-go dance, backflip, crisscross

Cross step, turntable position, Hollaback

Please stand up This is your dance teacher speaking

Left, right, booty shake Go-go dance, backflip

Walk in, half sweep

Knee drop, smile sweet

Bye-bye, it's been nice

I'm just heading out

I'm just heading out

I'm just heading out

See you in a minute.

Should we throw a little party before we all go home?

Okay. One, two, three, four!

Wrong turn.

I'm just heading out

Like, "Let's put a little more."

She'd put it in and knead the dough. You're laughing.

She went around beating up the neighborhood.

She was completely off her head.

She went to prison.

Can you do it in English, too? "I don't was it."

R. Kelly is in prison, Theo. Teddy.

My God, my son's called Theo.

I get them mixed up sometimes.

You have the same eyes.

Can we do one more,

where you find out you're not the father?

Action!

You're not my son.

I know because I did a rapid test.

Does that even exist? A rapid paternity test?

Yes, it exists. Online.

And thanks to that, I found out you're not my son.

-What? -I'm fed up. I'm leaving.

I'm fewming!

Wait and see.

You stole something from me. My wallet.

Hey, who are you?

David. David Alaba.

Awesome, got it!

Thank you very much!

THE TEDDY TECLEBRHAN SHOW