Original subtitles

As you might have noticed, The Teddy Teclebrhan Show contains

more or less entertaining elements that do not follow any concrete logic,

but do so very consistently.

Unfortunately, we realized too late that Antoine is using this show as a cover

to cast actors for a film project called Snitcher the Schnitz.

But it is what it is.

We also distance ourselves from Ernst Riedler's "opinion"

on the gender pay gap.

And also from everything else he says. And does.

Please enjoy The Teddy Teclebrhan Show.

Please, do me a favor.

I know you are a wild beast.

But I'm gonna try this one time!

Let me sit on your back for once!

I'm standing behind you now.

Is everything okay with you?

Are you a bit confused?

Here, eat something first.

-You want it to play, right? -The beast is pretty hungry.

You've never seen anything like it, have you?

-Such a hungry beast. -Awesome.

Hey, easy now. That doesn't help.

Why don't you pet the chair, too? It might actually be a leopard.

I'm gonna do a dance performance in the show.

You're the worst dancer on the planet.

"Can I dance in the show?" Who is dancing? No one!

Nobody here wants to see you dance.

Not even the shittiest dancer with the worst taste wants to see you dance.

Are those not super cool moves? Huh?

You have invented how not to dance to the beat.

You're feeling that your body is fighting against yourself.

Guys! Cool!

-A Zebra. -Do you see the confused guy?

Have you ever heard of equestrian vaulting?

-Awesome. -Keep going.

-Keep going. -Giddy-up!

Looking at you is really making me feel aggressive.

Your whole demeanor.

Just looking at you makes me feel super aggressive.

I hope you'll get along later.

Please no fighting or arguing during the show.

Let's just focus on delivering a smooth show.

Afterwards you can argue, but keep it cool during the show.

It's gonna be a cool show. Isn't it?

It's gonna be a cool.

Bye now.

THE TEDDY TECLEBRHAN SHOW

What's up, folks?

What's up?

What's up?

Tony, Phil. Everything okay?

So glad to have you all here.

I know, thanks.

I'm happy too. I'm happy to have you here.

I'm happy the band is there.

I just got off the phone with Iris Berben.

If Iris Berben calls, and she's irritated, aggressive,

that means there's a problem

because Antoine met up with her.

You know when someone is so angry and they freak out so much

that you can't understand them?

"I did the whole scene... He had me do... Opened the door and..."

And I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry."

I apologized ten times and invited her for lunch so we could sort it out.

But we have a recording here

of what happened. I haven't seen it yet either.

So let's have a look now and see how to deal with it.

Hello?

Antoine Burtz, casting agency.

Yes, awesome.

We have a big Hollywood project coming up.

ANTOINE'S CASTING IN FRANK SCHÜTTLER'S OFFICE

Ms. Berben, please!

-Hi. -Hello.

Oh, yes, I...

-I was actually expecting Frank Schüttler. -Yes, I know, Frank.

-He's indisposed, unfortunately. -Okay.

Um...

I have to be honest with you, you somehow look familiar.

Uh, yes.

Maybe you saw me at the cinema or on television

or you streamed...

-Did you work at the cinema? -Yes.

At the box office?

Um, no.

-Where they make the popcorn? -No, I skipped that part.

This is really weird.

Well, I'm an actress...

-But... -Aspiring to, or are you already one?

I'm just curious.

So many people say they are, but they are not.

Yes, of course. I'm an actress. I've been in a couple of films.

This is the script.

I must tell you,

not many people get it right.

Can I read it in standard German too?

I'm afraid not.

Can I show you real quick?

It wasn't me, you know?

It wasn't me, you know?

I'm fewming.

-I'm what? -Fewming.

-Fumy? -No, fewming.

Fuming?

-Then just say it properly. -Fewming.

I'm fuming!

I'm fuming and shaken!

I'm fuming and shaken!

-Where's my bag? -Where's my bag?

You're really pissing me off, you little shit.

You're really hissing me off, you little shit.

"Pissing."

You're really pissing me off, you little shit.

You.

-Yeah, that was good. -Okay.

-Can you breakdance? -Of course.

-But? -Is it relevant for the role?

I don't know if it's relevant

when you have a history with breakdancing.

Mirror. Mirror.

Mirror.

I didn't know you could spin on your head.

Impressive.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry, to be honest.

Awesome! That's exactly what we need for the scene.

-Awesome! -Oh, God.

Could you maybe do one more emotion?

Which one?

Thoughtful...

And very clear.

Yes, that was it.

Can you do happy and aggressive?

I'd really like to leave now.

I should have noticed much earlier

that something was wrong here.

You're not acting now, are you?

Exactly that.

I will make a note of that.

C plus.

I meant A. I wrote A.

I don't know if it was a pleasure, but this was an experience.

Thank you. I thought you did awesome.

We have a little box out there, you might want to donate something.

-Thanks for everything! -Thanks for nothing.

TO BE CONTINUED...

PERCY PRESENTS THE WEATHER

Shut up.

Stop it, will you?

So cool, hey!

So cool that you're all here.

So cool, hey!

Luciano, please bring in the board.

The weather...

This is Luciano, he helps me with the weather forecast.

Come over here.

Here...

It's cloudy and a little rainy.

Fucking piece of shit.

Did you build that damn thing or what?

So, we're in Europe here and...

Here it's...

We have some thunder lightning... A little bit of winter...

Oh, I hate this. I hate it. I hate it.

I hate it. I really hate it, hey.

Hey...

I hate... That's the thing when you have to do something

even though you don't give a shit.

When you don't believe in it, because it's just so shit.

And there's just Scrabble on the back.

Who... Luciano, did you play Scrabble?

-Have you gone completely bonkers? -Yes.

-What do you mean, "yes"? -Sorry.

No need to apologize if this is your true passion.

Come on, let's take this shit away. We'll do something else.

Cool, hey.

So cool, hey.

Who's in a relationship?

Who isn't in a relationship?

Who's in a relationship? Who isn't...? Who is?

So stupid, hey?

And you're single, or what?

Looking for a partner?

"No, I want to stay single."

I can relate.

I have two girlfriends.

And I constantly have the feeling I would be single...

Could be... Should be...

So stupid, hey.

So stupid, all the shit I say.

And it all gets broadcast on Prime Video.

And I ask myself,

"Why would you do that?"

It doesn't even make any sense.

But they still want it.

So stupid, hey.

I'd like to introduce someone.

Stefanie Stahl. Do you know Stefanie Stahl?

Stefanie Stahl is a psychologist.

And a bestselling author.

She wrote the book The Child in You.

And I've read it so many times

that I started holding seminars myself.

And that's why she stopped getting in touch,

but we're in contact again now.

Steffi, can you come in here?

STEFANIE STAHL PSYCHOLOGIST AND BESTSELLING AUTHOR

Hi, Steffi.

-Hello. -So cool, hey.

Crazy, hey...

that we meet here, hey.

How do I...

-First of all, how are you? -I'm fine, thanks.

Awesome. Hang on, Steffi. Let me get someone.

Would you come with me?

Steffi, my suggestion is

that you take us two as an example.

Okay.

So we're in a relationship and we're arguing at the moment.

You randomly come by, you give us advice and things get better after that.

Right, so you're a couple?

Yes, it's like a play.

A play, alright. And I'm supposed to give you therapy.

We're in the middle of an argument.

-What's your name? -Melis.

Melis, I'm fed up

with going to the same restaurant for the past four years!

Percy? Percy.

Listen to me. Try using "I" messages.

Do you know what they are?

Don't say, "You suck." Talk about your feelings instead.

Do you feel hurt, maybe?

Or what's making you so angry? Anger mostly comes from being hurt.

-That's a good question. -Did she hurt you?

She kicked me in the shin.

-She kicked you in the shins. Did it hurt? -Of course it hurt.

-You're still angry about it? -She was wearing safety boots.

She kicked me with a steel toe.

Oh, okay. Is that true?

Unfortunately, yes.

She looks cute, but she always kicks me in the shins...

What drives you up the wall about Percy?

I feel like he's neglecting me.

It's true, but it's because of work.

I just work very long hours.

But see, Percy.

I think that's really good. It's a good approach.

You say it's true. Right?

-Yes. -And then you say, "It's because of work."

You're not contradicting her. Are there any moments where you can say

that you could be more present despite your job?

-Yes. -Yes?

-Yes. -For example, how? What comes to mind?

My lunch break, basically I could spend it with her.

-Your lunch break. Okay. -I could go home after work.

Yes, you could do that.

I haven't been home for three months.

I had the night shift for so long

that I went on a vacation for three months. You were mad.

But I have to ask you this, now that I've heard all this,

why are you accepting this?

You could also say there's more fish in the sea.

Why are you accepting this? When I hear

that he's been away for three months,

he wants to spend his break with you. What's keeping you from leaving?

I remember the good times with him.

Ah, you had good times too.

-Can I ask you something? -Yes?

Are you trying to break us up?

Let's put it this way, I'm a counselor, so I need to hear

both sides of the story. And then I have to understand

why she's accepting it. There's the possibility

that she's clinging to you too much.

Crazy, right? I just noticed, too.

And if she's too clingy...

-Then it's tiring for me. -Right. Then you stay at work even longer.

-You work even longer. -In the other direction.

-Then we get a bad dynamic. -A dynamic of conflict.

-Right, a dynamic of conflict. -I've read your book.

-Percy. Excellent. -Dynamic of conflict. I've read it

-several times. -Excellent. Yes.

-I know. -And that's why I have to ask

-what's going on with her. -I noticed it.

I'm wondering, since I feel like we've sorted it out now,

would there be potential for a wedding

in Las Vegas or not?

That's what I want to ask.

Or not?

If I understood you correctly,

-you want to propose to her? -Yes.

This is painful to watch.

So... Okay, fuck!

Fuck! Come on, I'll take you to your seat.

Can you see anything? Steffi, stay there, the power is out.

Give me the mic. Steffi!

-Stay put! Get under the table! -I should stay here?

Fuck, the power is out.

Get yourself to safety!

Get yourself to safety, Steffi. There's nothing else I can do.

Shit, hey.

Steffi, are you okay?

Steffi?

Fuck! What...

Welcome to the Garden Show!

THE GARDEN SHOW

Come into our parlor.

Hey.

Oh, Horst!

Hey!

-Hey. -It's nice that you're here.

Horst Mager, pro-professor in the field of horticulture.

Are you satisfied?

With the garden?

The garden is great.

I somehow have the feeling

here that you've really managed

to collect plants that would have never met each other.

-Crazy. -Houseplants,

palm trees, cabbage, salad,

-parsley. -Parsenly!

You know a lot about plants, right?

Let's put it this way.

You do what you can. You can do what you do.

You do...

Is this trash or what do we do with it?

That's really great. Do you have a balcony?

-Yes? -Naturally.

That's great, right? A few vegetables on the balcony,

would that be an idea? Touch it, it feels good.

But there are no worms in there?

-No, don't know. Not on top here. -Not that I'm

getting stung.

There. Look.

-Yes. -Oh, now. With the right tools

you can move forward in life.

In terms of intelligence and emotions,

-few can hold a candle to me. -Yes.

I've been through a lot in my life.

Do you honestly want to hear the truth or...

If I can tolerate it, yes.

Turn off all the cameras. Honestly,

I want to do something different. I'm doing a show on Amazon Prime

and Teddy the pisser told me to do gardening.

Horst, you are great,

I love you, you know, you are a professional.

But what should I do with the garden? Be honest.

Why do I care about gardening?

Do you know what I mean? I've never been on a lawn.

I'm just street.

I've never eaten a tomato in my life.

I'll start again. Turn on the camera.

Let's pretend everything is nice,

then I'll see if I can get out of here.

Welcome

to the Garden Show. Horst and...

Antoine.

It's great that you're having so much fun.

I love it. It's my life.

-Splendid. -It's my life.

I love it.

-Yes. Just such fresh green is so great. -Oh Horst, hey.

I think I'll take another plant home with me today and cuddle with it.

Excellent! Then we've done it!

Bye. I hope to see you next time.

With another idea. Bye!

Wave.

Splendid. Great.

That was cool.

Excellent.

So,

I'll call Rebecca.

So,

she hasn't been answering for a while, Rebecca.

This is an experiment.

We could cut that out.

I haven't played this role in ten years. It's an experiment.

Dear Rebecca,

dear Andreas, I was dissatisfied with your wedding.

The food was shit, you looked like shit,

and on both sides, your parents were incredibly unpleasant.

The kids who were jumping around, they were so naughty. Disgusting.

Everyone thought so. Simone, Gisela,

Claudio, Severin. So disgusting. Michael...

This is the worst shit I've ever seen.

...Malvetin, Maverick...

Let my film run, Steffi. Right here.

...Benoit, Theobald, Ludger...

Well, then. Welcome to regional television.

Today, the topic is "equality,"

and we have a few guests.

Hippi Happa.

Just say your name and full biography.

Well, my name is Bernd Müller.

In a manner of speaking,

of course I would also like to express my opinion

-on certain topics that... -Great. Got it.

My name is Sabine Hopfmeister.

I'm here with my friend Luka Blum. We are committed...

Good, thanks. Enough.

-Running? -Yep...

-Do you have me in frame? -No.

Okay. I am here as a climate activist

and I'm committed to

the "Walk On Vacation" project.

And the point is that you don't drive on vacation,

you just go on vacation somewhere...

-you can walk to. -I got it!

And please!

-Yes, hello, my name is Luka Blum. -Super.

You look cute like this.

I am vegan and I'm against factory farming.

Super.

Exactly.

Thank you.

So, my first question is for you.

Gender gap.

Yes.

Is this something that can be corrected or not?

Personally, I have a wife.

She works for me.

She earns, I'm making sure of it,

probably up to eighty, ninety percent less than me.

That's just what I don't understand about the system.

Why doesn't she earn more?

What do you think about that?

So your wife works for you?

Yup.

-Then you also determine... -I'm self-employed.

A company. Can you explain to me why we live in a system,

and yet my wife is earning eighty or ninety percent less a month?

She has to live. Go shopping, pay rent, pay for the car.

-How is she supposed to do that? -Yes, how?

Understand?

-But you decide how much your wife gets. -"You, you, you."

You decide that...

"You, you, you." The system is broken.

Thank you for this discussion session. It was a lot of fun.

Luka, Sabine,

Micha, Borat, Isa,

Cynthia, Bernd...

And we'll see each other next time

when it's about

"Civil rights activists are just citizens and people after all."

Ladies and gentlemen.

The show is over.

Now we're going to take you home.

Position.

Hush now child

And don't you cry

Your folks might understand you

By and by

Move on up

Towards your destination

Though you may find, from time to time

Complication

Thank you! Wow!

THE TEDDY TECLEBRHAN SHOW

Magic!

IN THE NEXT EPISODE...

The whole show is about poultry.

Dirk!

-Three, two, one. -Patrice?

You're kidding me.

Have you ever seen contemporary theater?

You'll fall in love while sprinting.

Sorry.

If I run over there to the left, where do I end up?

Hey! Get your act together!