Original subtitles

Hey. Hello.

Let's come in.

We wash them in hand.

It's hard.

It's hard.

They did it. COVID meal.

COVID meal.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

I need some butter.

You want butter?

I need some butter.

Come on.

I'll be that way.

Let's go.

Bye.

Where do you think you did come from?

Where do I think movies come from? No, booties.

Booties.

Such a dad.

True.

Weird. I think it's harder and harder to open these cups.

Good broccoli.

It's not warm enough to not butter anymore.

But still very, very good.

Kelly,

get out of there.

Is that good?

Uh -huh.

Oh, um... Well, I just found out that the person

I was seeing before all this went down is

sheltering in place with some dude, and they are definitely fucking...

So much for that gold star, I guess.

What, gold star?

Like a gold star lesbian.

Have you heard of that?

I have not.

Oh my god.

It's like when a lesbian has only had sex with

vaginas, I guess.

But anyway, it doesn't matter. It's stupid. I don't want to get into it.

movie or something.

Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds distracting enough.

I'll make popcorn.

and this girl serious?

Person.

Huh?

They're not a girl. They're a babe.

Oh.

Um.

Were you and them serious?

No.

No, not at all.

Why are you so upset?

I'm not upset.

I didn't say I was a pet.

And the rules have changed now.

do you know that tarantino has a foot fetish gross right i

gotta go to bed

Mike? Mike, are you okay?

You can come in here, dude. Like, if you're a living room.

Like, if you want to watch, you can.

undergraduate women's sexuality course, we learned that

masturbation, even sex, is a

basic human need.

Eating, drinking, sleeping, we have

to do them.

The basic dad.

Please don't call me this.

My dad.

No, not that either.

Well, we are going to find a way to get through quarantine together. We are

going to have to start indulging our basic human needs.

I'm the one who goes fucking crazy.

I really thought I was going to die.

Are you kidding me?

I'm in law school.

All I do is fucking study.

That's half the reason I'm even here with you. I don't trust myself to be on

campus with student housing.

I just... That's why I'm not... seeing anyone seriously.

I don't have time.

The last thing I need is some needy girlfriend, right?

Wait. I thought they were a they.

They are.

Never mind. The point is, I don't trust myself enough to be on

campus. You know, I feel like I would hook up with somebody.

You know?

Whoever is slutty enough to ignore shelter -in -place orders in Los

That's way riskier than mutual masturbation. God, even sex

with my ex -stepfather.

I've been thinking about it. We're COVID -bonded now.

And I think it would be fine if we fussed.

I really do.

You know, when you put it like that, you make a good point.

Safer than the alternative.

But, honey, now I'm a little bit worried that you may be affected.

Oh, my God.

Rude.

Rude.

Listen, you're the one living on your stepdaughter's life.

Stepdaughter.

oh my god you're the best best

dad ever

Is that okay?

That's great.

really know what I'm doing.

Okay.

as a lesbian.

Tell you what, you're really good at that.

I can't believe you've only done this a few times.

Something I've always really liked.

You always wear an overachiever.

Yeah.

Hmm. Hmm.

Maybe I did a good job.

realistic toys these days, so it depends on your definition of real.

I mean, I've definitely heard.

the time, especially since the world may end.

It would be terrible to, you know, never

experience such an important part of the human experience.

Yes, I didn't mean to do this. I date women regularly, thank you very much.

I had to.

Look at what?

Straight men are not technically usually known for their culling vote.

Okay, okay, okay.

Hashtag not all men.

Okay, point me.

Okay.

We can do this quarantine thing a little while longer now.

Yeah, it's not so bad, right? It's not so bad.

Oh, great job coming in my house.

Definitely not on birth control all day, right?

Where's my phone?