Original subtitles

I'm thinking about writing about therapy. That's a really bad idea.

It's a great piece,

but it would be even better if you put your name on it.

Who's Sean? The one that ended the four-year dry spell.

I appreciate the favour as a friend, but I am not looking

for anything else. I'll see you around.

I've got to go, OK?

Claire, hi. It's Laura.

I'll put my name on the article.

I mean, what if there's never a baby?

I'd still want to marry you.

Same for you, yeah?

Who wrote the fucking headline?

PHONE RINGING

Fuck.

Patrick, don't shout at me, please. I can explain everything.

Why would I shout at you? What have you done now?

Erm, nothing, no.

I was having a bad dream.

What's up? I need a favour.

The table confetti hasn't arrived

for Mum and Dad's wedding anniversary.

You didn't forget, did you?

No, of course I didn't forget.

Um...what were you saying, table confetti?

Yeah, could you pick some up?

I'm kind of snowed under here, what with organising this,

looking after Jo and Jen doing crazy hours again.

You should've asked me for help, so... I did.

Look, it doesn't matter now. Go to Maloney's Card Factory,

pick up some little hearts and balloons, if you can,

as long as they're ruby red.

Yeah, sure. Just leave it with me, I'm on it.

Here, do they suspect anything?

They think they're going for a quiet meal with auntie Rona.

Oh, God, auntie Rona's there.

Do you know what? She's actually been great, helping me organise this.

Well, I'll help you organise the table confetti.

I'm going to go somewhere a little bit more upmarket, though.

Maloney's is a bit cheap shit.

No, no, no, go to Maloney's... OK, bye-bye.

Fuck.

I'm just going to go in, face Kieran,

let him go mad and then that's it. Done.

It's not like I maimed him.

Remind me again why you did this.

To end it. Really?

It wasn't to get a reaction out of him?

To distract him from Samarra?

No! God, no.

I mean, what kind of person...?

Look, I know that he might be furious,

but at least now that it's out in the open,

once the dust settles, we can just go back to being friends.

Friends?

You'll need witness protection.

I really wish I had a session with Doctor F today.

And what is she going to say?

Ah, she'll be fine. She'll probably love it.

She'll get loads of new clients.

Hey, please tell me you can come

to my Mam and Dad's anniversary do tonight.

I need all the support I can get.

If it was me, I'd call in sick.

To work or the party?

Both. In fact, I might have to call in sick. I feel awful.

No, please, don't abandon me. I need you.

I really need you.

Come on, we'll get bacon rolls - it'll keep you healthy.

I think Laura has actually lost it.

What are you doing?

Everything I can to turn my lazy, bastard, deformed tadpoles

into torpedoes.

Now, ginseng, omega three capsules,

garlic, broccoli and finally...

PHONE VIBRATING

Hey, let's do something together today. It's our day off,

so don't be arranging anything, eh?

Hi. Is that Alison?

Yes, it is. We have your results in.

Are you with Martin?

Uh, yeah, he's just beside me.

OK. I'm afraid it's not good news.

Your AMH levels are, erm, low.

Very low.

What does that mean? It means 0.7.

Yeah, I still don't know what that means.

Like, what's normal? 1.5-4.

OK, so in normal language...

It means that, even if Martin's results improved,

which is likely with lifestyle improvements,

the chances of success for conceiving are, erm, very low

because of your ovarian reserve.

Oh. You know, there are plenty of options we can discuss.

I see. Make an appointment.

Don't lose hope.

I waited to show you the best bit.

Oysters.

Oh, dear Jesus, that was rancid.

Who was that on the phone?

No-one.

Laura.

Laura drama.

It's OK.

It's OK.

I know who it is -

the fella you're banging, in love with, whatever.

No, you don't.

You don't even know who the Minister for Foreign Affairs is

and you're on the news desk.

Give us a clue -

for the sweep.

There's a sweep,

like the Grand National?

Fuck.

Don't worry about today.

It's very good piece, Laura.

People will take a measured view.

Also, it's getting a lot of clicks, which is the main thing.

Upstairs love you.

Great, yeah. Great.

I'm already looking forward to the next one.

Actually, I think I might leave it at that.

You can't leave it at that.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you, Laura,

to make a name for yourself

and I mean that in the best possible way.

You've written something people are talking about.

Publishers will be fighting over you for the book.

PHONE BEEPS

It's my hairdresser.

See? It's hit the salons -

that's how we know everyone's talking about it.

Well done.

I'm sure the next instalment

will be more of the same revelatory, relatable content.

Hey.

Hey. You need to call my wife

and tell her it's not me.

What? I...strayed in the past.

A bit of a roving eye.

Look, she's after reading your piece, putting two and two together

and getting 60-fucking-nine.

She's livid.

She's convinced it's me.

SHE SCOFFS Is she...? Is it me?

What?

The summer barbecue - we were both pretty out of it.

Did something happen between us?

No. Callum, nothing happened between us.

It's not you.

Great. Thanks.

I'll e-mail you her mobile.

For God's sake.

Oh, here, Callum.

Do you know where Kieran is?

I just have this idea - I wanted to just run it by him.

He's still in Barcelona.

Flight's delayed, apparently. Yeah, right.

Try not to get too turned on looking at me now, right?

Where are you going? I thought we were doing something together.

Just meeting Katie and picking up a present

for Laura's mum and dad.

Oh, right.

Look, I'm going to fix this, OK?

I won't let you down.

Don't give up on me. I mean...

..don't give up on me YET, anyway.

OK. Right.

Five more minutes.

According to the forums, press ups are really good

for toning and strengthening the little bastards.

So I failed my MOT...

..spec-fucking-tacularly.

No! And not just, like, a new indicator or windscreen wipers.

This is a whole new engine required.

Fuck!

No! No.

No. Thanks. for getting it. God, I knew you would.

What's Martin saying? I haven't told him.

You need to. You need to support each other.

Yeah, I know, but I can't face his reaction.

You know? It would just make it all too real.

It's, sort of, easier thinking he's the problem,

just until I get my head around it first. We can fix this, Al.

There is so much they can do.

All you need is one sperm, one egg, they can find a way to do that.

I should have had a baby when I was 16.

All those eggs.

All that pain.

All those tampons.

I should get a rebate, refund, whatever.

It's not fucking fair.

It's really not.

Sorry. God, I hate this.

I hate that I've become this person in thrall of their biology.

I've completely forgotten who I was, before this yearning took over.

It's pathetic, sorry.

I wish I was more like you - not maternal.

Sorry. No.

I did not mean that.

I know what you mean.

I'm turning into Laura.

Couldn't decide which ones to go for, so I got a variety.

And Maloney's Card Factory is amazing.

There's these little crystal diamond ones...

What in the name of Christ is wrong with you, Laura?

Is there something actually wrong with you?

What do you mean? Do you not like little crystal diamond ones?

You know fine fucking well what I mean.

You've invaded Joseph's privacy for what, attention?

Clicks? There was no pictures of him

and I just said that I was a bit jealous of you guys

all hanging round together.

It was meant to be, kind of, funny.

Didn't make me laugh and I don't think Mam and Dad

will see that side of it either.

Look, all of that stuff, it's embarrassing.

It's embarrassing for Mam and Dad and maybe in your weird media world,

where everyone's fucked up and shagging each other,

and having affairs, you see, in the normal world,

it's not the done thing, OK? Or if it does, you don't broadcast it.

You keep it a fucking secret.

How are you holding up?

Sorry, Bronagh?

I only pray they don't do to you what they did to auntie Anne.

Who's auntie Anne?

Has your mother never told you?

No. Hm, maybe she should have.

Anne had an eye for the married men, like you.

They stopped talking to her, drove her to Australia - horrible place.

Have you been?

No.

No, OK. Poor auntie Anne -

all that sun, sea and what not.

Anyway, Patrick, what do you think?

I think it was embarrassing and selfish.

I meant about the table confetti!

I think you made bad choices.

Here, I'm just going to go.

Well, you've champagne already, Laura, not that Mam and Dad will be in the mood for it.

How are they doing? They're as you'd expect, Bronagh,

what with it having been shared with the entire family on Facebook.

The trouble is, you can't keep anything off that these days.

You posted it, Bronagh.

Hey.

Brendan, how are you?

How's your wife?

I'm terrible with names. Cathy.

Of course, Cathy. I should remember that.

How is she? And the kids.

She left me four years ago. Oh.

Do you not remember?

Actually, now you mention it, of course I remember.

I was very concerned about you.

Are you OK, now, yeah?

Getting there. It's not easy.

In fact, I think it's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to...

Yeah, tough life, is it? It's great that you're on the mend.

You couldn't do me a little favour, could you?

Are you still on the Gardai database?

Not meant to be, but... Great.

Could you look someone up for me? Just curious.

It's Sean O'Reilly.

Born around 1974.

Did you get a tip-off about him? Just looking for some background.

Here's your man. Sean O'Reilly.

Abduction.

Got away with it on a technicality.

Abduction, are you...? Jesus Christ, um...

This Sean O'Reilly died in 1974.

I said born in or about 1974.

No wonder Cathy left you.

For my Mam and Dad - it's their fecking ruby wedding anniversary.

Have you any ideas?

I'll call you back.

Hi. What a lovely surprise.

Well, that's gorgeous.

It'll look great in your house.

Just looking for a present for my mam and dad's wedding anniversary.

40 years married.

Imagine?

So, yeah, it's lovely to see you and...

..leave you to get on with your shopping.

Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.

Boy, do I need to see you tomorrow?

I've never needed it more in my life.

There's not going to be a session tomorrow, Laura.

What?

Your article.

Oh, no, I was going to mention that tomorrow.

You don't mind, do you? You might get some new clients.

Of course I mind.

It's a breach of trust and it just...

Well, it just seems like you weren't taking it seriously.

Or was my bizarre and icy approach too disconcerting for you?

No, that was just for the article... Right.

..to give it some colour. I don't really think that about you.

I don't care what you think about me -

I care that you were using our sessions

to get material for a story.

How am I to know if it's genuine?

Or just for the article, to give it some colour?

No, it was all true, I promise.

I just think...

..continuing is a waste of time for both of us, OK?

Your job's to make me feel better about everything

and you're making me feel really bad,

like, the worst I've ever felt in my life.

You said we could explore stuff and I want to do that.

I want to try and understand me and why I do the things I do,

and I think it would be really helpful.

Goodbye, Laura.

Are you actually dumping me?!

Katie. That selfish, childish, bitch dumped me.

Is there, like, a regulatory body I can talk to?

Katie, I really, really need her.

Sorry, Laura, can we talk about this later? I'm going to have to go.

Well, where are you? I'll come.

I'm actually about to meet Sean.

What, champagne Sean? I thought you got rid? Yeah, well...

After deciding it was the worst idea ever, I am now actually pregnant.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah. Oh, fuck.

Was it from that one time at the awards?

Barely know the guy. I thought, if I met him,

it might help me find an answer.

Jesus, I thought I was having a bad day.

This is a lovely surprise.

Coffee?

Or champagne? What's on the menu?

Coffee for now, thank you.

An espresso for me.

So...

..what's going on?

I mean, one minute you want nothing to do with me,

the next you're sitting here making my heart skip like a lamb.

It's cruel.

It has been messy, yeah, I admit.

But we didn't really get a chance to chat...that much.

I didn't even ask you about your kids.

I mean, you remember Ella?

She's gorgeous.

Must be a family tradition.

How are yours? All well?

Cara is a joy to behold.

Thomas...a little bit of a handful.

That's up at the cottage, last year.

Handful?

Yeah, you know, boy stuff.

What are we talking? Backchat,

testing boundaries kind of thing, or killing cats?

The former, I'm relieved to say, but with a lot of gusto.

OK, great.

Great.

Can I just see their picture again? Yeah.

Yeah, OK.

They look quite normal.

They're better than normal.

They're mine.

Anyway, tell me what made you change your mind,

well, apart from the obvious.

Later. What about parents, grandparents?

I love all that genealogy stuff.

Any colourful characters?

Any rogues, rascals, rapists, psychopaths in the O'Reilly DNA?

We may be imperfect but we're not royalty.

Now, if you want a psychopath, try your mate.

I read her article. Jesus, I mean, exposing that poor bloke like that?

She would make your balls ascend and hide in the attic.

She's my friend.

We all have friends we can't shake.

No offence, but she has issues.

I think the medical term is bunny boiler.

Is that more of a culinary term?

You are really full of hot steaming insight today, Sean.

He was the one who was married, in case you missed that bit.

Oh, come on. I mean, one tempted him, one drove him away, ultimately.

Oh, yeah. I didn't see it like that.

The poor, bewildered man, didn't really have a choice, did he?

Once his penis was enchanted, there was no escape.

Thank you for the enlightenment. Well, that is my pleasure.

Well, now it's my turn to enlighten you.

The real reason I wanted to see you was...

..well, we have something in common.

Something important.

A future?

Super gonorrhoea.

So, you better get your puritanical Old Testament balls checked out.

See you.

Shh. They're outside.

ALL: Surprise!

Someone get a doctor!

HE LAUGHS

Happy anniversary. Thank you.

You look tired. You should get an early night.

Listen, before we go in here...

What? We're already late.

I know things have been a bit weird between us.

There's other tests.

With all the exercise I'm doing and the smoothies...

..I'm not going to let you down.

Martin, even if your swimmers are in tiptop shape...

..we're fucked. I'm fucked.

I got my results.

I'm kaput.

When did you find out?

This morning.

When I said it was Laura on the phone, it wasn't,

it was the clinic.

Then why didn't you tell me? I don't know.

I'm sorry. I felt... Jesus, I've been doing all this stuff and you knew.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I just wanted to get it straight in my head.

Katie says... Wait.

You told your mates and you didn't tell me?

Yeah, all right, don't make it worse.

We're supposed to be a couple, Alison.

We're supposed to have each other's back and talk about things,

and you tell your mates and don't tell me.

Martin... Do you know what? I need to think about things.

I'm going for a fucking drink.

What the fuck am I doing here?

It's fine.

Drink through it.

They're probably talking about something else.

I'll flash my tits, if you want,

that will take the heat of you for a bit.

Oh, Christ.

Forgot he'd be here.

I'm going to lock myself in a cubicle.

See you in an hour.

Laura.

Dad.

Happy anniversary.

Thanks.

You enjoying yourself?

Yeah, I guess.

Good.

Um...had a kind of a, you know...

..kind of, tricky, stressful day, you know?

Go get yourself a drink.

Hello?

Welcome, everybody.

I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate Vera and Bernard's

40th wedding anniversary.

They're a shining ruby.

I know you'll want to join with me in letting them know

what a remarkable achievement that is.

When my big sister first brought Bernard home, I remember thinking,

"He's a keeper,"

even though he was a bit of a scruff.

But he's always been there for Vera and their children.

Patrick, who's just given his parents their first grandchild -

King Joseph.

Well done, Patrick. We're all so proud of you.

And Laura, who's making a name for herself in newspapers.

40 years.

What a milestone.

What respect for the sanctity of marriage.

Although, not everyone shows that respect

for the sanctity of marriage. Thank you, Bronagh!

That's a shame, isn't it? Thank you.

I just wanted to say, what's kept our marriage together,

for good and bad...is love for each other.

I have no idea how Vera has put up with me all of these years.

I'm sorry, what I meant to say was,

"I've no idea how I've put up with her all of these years."

Seriously, seriously.

Love for each other and the children.

We're proud of them...

..both of them.

Seconded!

And anyone who disagrees can meet me in the car park. Yeah!

Now, we're going to go back to our wedding day, 40 years ago,

and we're going to go back to our first dance

and we want you all to join in.

Mam and Dad haven't said a word about the article.

Do you think that means they're OK with it?

I think it means they're dealing with it the way normal people deal with difficult situations -

by avoiding them.

You're probably right.

What about your difficult thing?

Are you avoiding that?

I can't even think about that in front of Alison.

Plus, Sean is such a dick. I don't know what I'm going to do. So, yeah,

for now I'm thinking evasive action.

Hey. What's the chat?

Lots and lots.

BABY COOING

Where's Martin?

At the bottom of a pint somewhere.

I think he might have dumped me.

Never. He adores you.

I never told him my results.

I just let him keep thinking he was the problem.

He is, like, properly pissed off.

Alison.

So, that question about whether we'd be able to do all that -

marriage, commitment to one person...

Kids.

..the whole package, to be normal...

I guess, for us, the answer's no.

As I've said, there are other ways to live happily ever after.

You've been avoiding me all night.

I'm sorry I missed the exhibition.

Pesky kids ruining my love life.

Social life.

Everyone has an auntie Bronagh.

Mine had a stroke, lost her speech,

it was a beautiful thing.

Oh, God, that's terrible.

I can't do any more bad, ever.

My balance sheet's way off kilter.

Think of the joy her silence would bring others.

So, what's this article everyone's going on about?

You must be the only person in the world, well, my world,

who hasn't read it.

This is good. I want to hang out with you.

Please don't read it.

You are making it sound irresistible.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

I just have to deal with someone.

Hey.

How was Barcelona?

What the flying fuck were you thinking?

I don't know.

I didn't name you, you know? Oh.

So, hopefully we can just go back to being friends.

Uh-huh.

What do you think?

OK.

Here's what I think.

I think you embarrassed yourself. What?

I think your career at the paper is over.

I think you should fucking quit.

I'm not leaving my job.

Sorry.

Well then, I'm going to make your life very, very, difficult

because if this ever get out,

if my wife ever finds out...

Do you understand nothing?

Do you understand nothing?

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Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0