Original subtitles

Let's get married. Oh! Congratulations!

I mean I'm not pregnant.

But, yeah, we're officially trying.

We were just wondering if we could keep Ella tonight. Oh...

I just want to go to dad's and see THEIR puppy.

Why don't we hit pause?

Stop, we're hitting stop. OK.

There was something between us.

Yeah, his wife!

I've been in therapy.

Since when?

Hey! Hey, Laura, how's it going?

Sorry, do I know you? James.

Oh, yeah, the funeral.

Christening. That's what I meant.

Same thing, kind of.

Funeral of my dreams for being Joe's favourite godparent.

Or even Lee's favourite.

Ha-ha, nice one. Yeah, I remember you now.

The kids' party entertainer with all the godchildren.

Where are they?

Do you have them squeezed in one of those little trailers, no?

Well, funnily enough I don't normally bring them to work

with me, unless of course they're ill. I'm a paediatrician.

Oh, Jesus, you had to slip that in, didn't you?

Everyone knows you're a paediatrician, Jesus.

You know, that's exactly why you've got so many godchildren.

Free 24/7 health care.

Yeah, I figured.

Well, it's a relief to see you're not holding a grudge

over the whole godparenting thing.

Fucking joking me!

Yeah, nice to see you, James.

Paediatrician. Nice to see you too, Laura, the...

Fuck's sake.

What's going on?

With? With the adverts.

With Samara getting treated like a summer blockbuster.

We advertise all the time, Laura.

Oh, when did we last advertise a writer?

We need younger readers, Laura.

Or at least convince our advertisers we have them.

I don't know if anyone's noticed,

but I'm the one who's been nominated for a press award tonight.

Why aren't we advertising that?

Samara's a good property for us. She could get us all a pay rise.

How does one person get all that? And they're barely in the door.

Who said it had to be one person?

You give us good stories,

stories that get clicks and we'll promote it.

And what's the latest with homelessness?

I want to go really big on this.

How was the sleep out? Er, yeah. Ah, good.

Really good.

Sad. Really sad, but really good.

I need to build it up.

It's going to be a slow burn, but, I mean, I'm all over it.

OK, that's great.

I've loads of other ideas as well.

Such as? Erm...

..er, therapy.

Not that life coach, think positive thoughts rubbish.

I'm talking old school, hard-core.

My friend's just started and, like, it's changed her life.

What sort of thing are we talking about?

Has this been court ordered?

Oh, jeez, no. God, no.

No, completely voluntary.

I mean, she's normal.

Well, she's not normal.

More, then. Better than normal.

It'll be like getting inside the mind of the...

..the modern day professional Dublin woman.

Would your friend be up for photos?

No. God, no, no.

Erm, but we could do it under, like, a pseudonym.

Orla on the couch.

I like it.

I look forward to it. Oh, great.

I think.

All right. OK, I'll see you later.

See ya.

You better not mention anything about us. Oh, Christ's sake.

Calm down, of course I won't.

I've got loads of other things going on in my life actually.

Haven't even told the therapist about us,

cos I don't want her thinking I'm that kind of woman. OK.

And what are you actually even talking about anyways?

If we don't mention it, it never happened.

I know. OK? Yeah.

Oh, hey, here. What?

Think I might be able to claim the sessions on expenses?

Unbelievable.

Mm. So have you written your speech yet? Am I in it?

You're the first person I thank.

I want to go to the awards with Mum, but she says I can't.

I've tried to tell her what a horror show the awards are.

They're not for kids.

They're not even for normal adults, they're for insecure people

like the Kardashians and...

..auntie Laura. We are strong women,

with a healthy sense of our own self worth, remember?

Siobhan could do my make-up.

Not happening, darling.

Shame.

She's going to sit around watching TV now.

Great! Remember Ella could count to 20 before she could walk.

Had nothing do with me or you and everything to do with kids' TV.

What I'm trying to say, is I know what I'm doing.

So who are you going with?

Table of ten.

Well, you know what I mean.

You should get back out there, Kate.

Stop pretending to be all tough,

strong and self-sufficient.

Jesus, what is this?

I don't need a bloke any more than I need tips on fun parenting,

but thanks for all of your concern. We just want to see you happy.

We? You can tell Siobhan I am happy.

Ella and I want to see you happy.

Ella does see me happy.

When I'm not under observation.

Like, she said the other day...

I need to... What?

No, she was tired obviously.

What? Spit it out.

She said she feels sorry for you.

Yeah, I just want to keep it small.

Keep it real, you know?

Registry office and then down the pub for a sesh with our mates.

Seriously?

We want a bit of tradition, don't we? Do we?

It's just so expensive, Martin.

My folks will help pay.

Katie can do the photography.

A lot of folks are getting a drone these days.

Do you want a drone? Mm, yeah. Definitely.

Camera staring down my tits, every bride's dream.

That's my dream.

Why don't we meet halfway?

Registry office and a drone?

You know what I mean.

A church wedding and then a splash for family and friends.

We only got engaged last week, Martin.

Do we have to make all these decisions now?

I feel quite sick just thinking about it.

I mean all that planning for just one day.

HE SLURPS

I do actually feel quite sick.

Seriously, think about it.

You know, it's not just one day, is it? It's the first day.

Of a lifetime together.

Mm. I see.

When you put it like that...

Have you read Samara's column?

Yeah.

It was...thought provoking and incisive

and no, of course I haven't read it. Thank you.

That's not why I haven't read it.

Doesn't matter. Still, thank you.

I'm thinking about writing about therapy

using my sessions with Dr F as research.

That's a really bad idea.

I think it's a great idea.

I could challenge the stigma, help other people,

if I do have any issues they'll get fixed

and...maybe even get a Pulitzer.

Trust me, I've been there.

So much stuff is going to come to the surface.

Do you really want to...

..unravel in public?

And for what? Other people's entertainment?

Ah, it'll be fine.

I think it might be my thing.

Confessional journalism.

Under a pseudonym.

Speaking of awards...

..how you feeling about tonight?

Indifferent, you?

Yeah, yeah, same.

Not really thinking about them.

Are you not really thinking about them 24/7?

It's just an honour to be shortlisted.

SHE GIGGLES

What? It is!

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh. Shit.

Oh, God, oh, shit.

All right, just give me a minute. I said, stop scratching.

Hello?

The nits are back.

I just cannot get rid of the little feckers.

Excuse me, anyone home?

Sorry, yeah. Erm, try this.

Erm, apply copiously.

Leave on overnight and reapply in a week.

That should get rid of the little ba...beasts for you.

Move.

Excuse me? Sorry.

I mean, I know your girls are a handful and exhausting and all that,

but, I mean, ultimately they have...

..massively enriched your life, haven't they?

SHE SCOFFS You're a ticket.

Get out.

Stop scratching!

BELL RINGS Mind the car!

When you were online dating,

which apps had the fewest pervs and weirdos?

The lesbian ones.

It's not for me, it's for Ella.

She's 11.

I'm doing it for Ella.

She wants to see me with someone.

Plus, it has been a seriously long time.

Maybe I should get back out there.

How long? Long.

An Olympics.

Wow. Four years?!

Thank you, Laura, for spelling that out.

I haven't missed it.

I've had more important things to do.

Still... I do not have a man-shaped hole in my life.

You know what I mean.

PHONE VIBRATES

Ella. She wants to come to the awards.

Poor Ella, snubbed for the party.

Imagine how proud she'd be seeing her mam

and maybe her auntie Laura win.

Excelling in their careers, who needs a man? And all that.

Al, what's up? You're awfully quiet.

Oh, I've a lot on my mind.

You're not having second, third, fourth thoughts

about you and Marty, are you?

Because if you are, we're here for you. Well, I am.

She's got a lot on her plate.

No, it's all going ahead.

We're at the planning stage.

So what's it to be? Small and intimate, because of your...

I mean, our age. That'd make sense.

Plus it's less hassle if you do change your mind at the last minute.

Less humiliating to disappoint ten people, than 200.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking,

but Martin wants the big traditional thing.

Mm-hm. I can't decide if we should waste the money on that

or keep it for other...things in the future.

Right. I'm off to see my best pal, Dr F.

Do it for the right reasons, Laura.

I'll be fine. I know what I'm doing.

Oh, thank Jesus, I have to tell someone.

I'm pregnant.

What, what, what?

This is good. This is great.

Congratulations. How are you feeling? I don't know.

Excited. And terrified.

I still feel like that every time I stop and think about Ella.

I don't want to tell Laura.

I think if both of us have kids, it'll just freak her out,

so can you? Me? Why me?

Because you're better at that kind of thing.

Tell her when she's pissed.

Maybe tonight, but only if she's happy pissed, not gin pissed.

Do you remember that shameless influencer I told you about?

Mm-hm. Samara.

Oh, God, you remember her name.

I really wouldn't bother.

Anyway, yeah, her.

The paper's treating her like she's some kind of superstar.

Right. And how do you feel about that?

Well...

..as you know I'm not an angry person,

but I must admit it's fucking pissing me off.

I mean, I'm the one who's been nominated

for a press award, not her.

And I've got a feeling, I don't know if I should say it out loud,

because I don't want to jinx it but I've got a feeling...

..this might be my year.

Are awards important to you?

Not to me, but I think it might be nice for my mam and dad

to tell all their friends and all the family,

especially my auntie Bronagh who's a judgey bitch.

So this is a way of getting their and everyone's approval?

Not really. It's just nice, you know? For them.

But there's been a big change in the family dynamic.

You know? With the arrival of Joseph.

We've spent a lot of time talking about that.

Perhaps, you know, this is a way

of getting back some of that attention.

What you trying to say, that I'm jealous?

Because I'm absolutely not.

I mean, you're off on the wrong tangent there, no offence.

I don't do jealous.

I think it's a very unattractive emotion

and it's one that I like to rise above.

And as I've said before, though you probably didn't pick up on it,

I think Patrick's actually jealous of me. Right.

My freedom, my career, my whole...

..exciting life, can't be easy for him.

He does get a lot of help, free help from my mam and dad.

Yeah, no, you've mentioned that. A couple of times, now.

I mean, I do think it's lovely that they spend loads of time together,

especially seeing my dad, you know? The...

..renewed zest for life.

It's amazing.

You see when I was younger, my memory of him

was when he was made redundant and he just sat in a chair all day.

He didn't really communicate, you know?

No lights on.

One tea bag for six cups of tea.

I think he was probably depressed actually.

But you know what Irish men are like.

They don't talk about their feelings, it's just,

"I'm grand, it's grand, everything's grand."

So maybe your dad wasn't available to you

the way he's available now to Joseph.

Have you got a dog? Hm?

I didn't see you as a dog person.

More of a cat person.

Although I suppose when I think about it,

I can see you out walking it.

On the beach, maybe. So we were... We were talking about your dad.

I bet it's a golden retriever.

Puppy? Or a Dalmatian.

Please tell me it's not one of those little purse dogs.

I don't have a dog, Laura.

Creep.

Weirdo.

Perv.

Hey, Rory here. Leave a message.

VOICE MAIL BEEPS Hi, it's me.

I'm going to take Ella to the awards - just for an hour.

Don't tell her, I want it to be a surprise.

Welcome back, if you're a Samara cara.

For my global audience, cara means friend in Gaelic,

and that's what all you guys are to me - my friends.

Today, I want to talk about why I quit alcohol,

because I realised you can't drink away your feelings.

This French rose...

RECORDING: Paper's treating her like she's some kind of superstar.

DR F: And how do you feel about that? How do you feel about that?

I think he was probably depressed, actually.

You know what Irish men are like.

They don't talk about their feelings, it's just,

"I'm grand, it's grand, everything's grand."

So, maybe your dad wasn't available to you

the way he's available now to Joseph?

I've got a little surprise for you, for after dessert.

Is it another dessert?

Close your eyes.

Does this mean what I think it means?

Twins.

What? No.

I'm joking. Oh.

Come here. SHE GIGGLES

Yeah, coming.

Oh.

Can you go and get her? No, Ella's not here.

Siobhan took her to the cinema. What?!

Don't you check your fucking phone?

Not when I'm sleeping, I don't.

Where are they, will it have started?

Yeah, they'll probably be halfway through the film by now.

For fuck's sake! What?

Just go, have fun. I mean there's always next year, isn't there?

I'll tell her you called round and were going to take her, will I?

Don't do that. Christ, that'll just make it worse.

"Oh, your mum was going to take you, but, hey, we fucked it up."

Bye.

Feel free to call round any time and wreck my head.

Oh, oh...

I just want to thank my mam and dad,

and all my colleagues.

Kieran, thank you.

Don't have sex with Kieran.

I want to thank my fourth class primary school teacher,

Mrs Heaney.

She was kind of an early version of what's now known as a hater,

and I believe she's long since dead.

RIP, bitch.

Stop!

Guys, come on. SHE CHUCKLES

That's a lot of effort for someone who's indifferent.

You know, I'm glad that Siobhan always does the right thing

and actually seems to like other people's kids, which is not normal.

Sometimes she just... She just pisses me off.

Ah, maybe this isn't for Ella.

At least you can get hammered. Though I'm off the drink,

cos you can't drink away your feelings.

Of course you can, that's the whole point. Mm.

In fact, I need to get you happy drunk tonight,

so let's drink away all the bad feeling.

Wow, you look really nice.

Yeah, I just threw this together.

You look really nice yourself.

Probably should have got him a drink.

Why? Because that's Shaun O'Reilly -

great former editor turned exec gobshite.

Oh, and chair of the judging panel.

I don't want to be accused of bribing the judges, if I win.

Not that I think I will. Uh-huh.

You remember Laura?

Oh, of course. Yeah, hi, Laura.

Hi, Samara.

Oh, no, I'm not drinking. No, but thanks.

Oh, my God, are you doing this sober?

Yeah, I'm on the cranberry.

Have you got a UTI?

What? No. No, I just...decided to quit.

Since when? Since ages ago.

Well, I quit for a while

until I realised that moderation beats abstinence,

in all aspects of life. Mm.

I literally vlogged that this morning.

You look very handsome, Mr McCormick. Oh!

Good luck.

Ow!

Have you shagged her? No!

I don't believe you. Right.

OK, if you haven't, why not? For fuck's sake.

No, even if you haven't -

which I don't believe -

it's so obvious you want to.

Which is just as bad!

Christ, Laura, fucking listen to yourself.

So what if I did want to shag her, so what?

It doesn't mean I have or will.

I know, I know, it's deranged.

It's driving me out of my fucking mind.

I'm going to...

Why do you have to be so weak?

Why do men have to be so weak?

I'll just have one or two.

Moderation beats abstinence, after all.

SHE MIMICS: "In all aspects of life."

You love Samara Brennan too?

I think she's awesome and she's here.

Mama.

Mum.

Martin. Yeah?

You want me to rub that oil on your belly? No.

I mean, yeah, maybe later.

Let's just go for it.

With the wedding.

I mean, not the 20 grand and four dress changes

and photos from the sky, but...

..a bit of tradition.

Church? Yeah.

Big party? No, but... Ish.

Right, biggish, TBC.

Synchronised surprise first dance?

What? No.

I'm joking. Oh.

This is the best news. It'll be great.

I love you, Alison.

Yeah.

Yeah, same.

SHE MOUTHS: Mama.

SHE CHUCKLES

APPLAUSE

We come now, of course, to the feature writer of the year.

And the nominees are...

Davina O'Connell,

for Inside The Diet Fad That Became A Cult,

Laura Donegan - The Adoption Families Refusing To Give Up Hope,

Declan Ferguson - The Hidden Trade That Shames Us All,

and, no, he's not talking about journalism.

And the award goes to...

Davina O'Connell - Inside The Diet Fad That Became A Cult.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Fuck that.

Excuse me. You're Shaun O'Reilly, right? Erm...

Laura Donegan, from The Dublin Standard.

Pleased to meet you, I'd shake hands but, erm...

I'm quite curious you about how you reach your decisions.

You know, like, what did Davina O'Connell's articles have

that mine didn't?

Was it unanimous for Davina or...?

Did anyone go out on a limb and vote for me?

It would just be really helpful for me to know,

for the future.

That's all confidential,

but you should be proud.

It's an achievement to be nominated.

Hey. No, it's not.

If you hadn't shortlisted me,

I wouldn't be an award LOSING journalist. Thanks a lot.

My advice is champagne.

Lots of it.

Thank you.

Come on, hun.

You don't need an award to feel like a worthwhile member

of the human race.

How many blokes at the paper do you think feel like that,

even when they are permanent losers?

0.00 something?

Yeah, OK.

Awards don't mean anything.

See this tampon I've got in tonight,

it's won an award.

It's ridiculous, I only bought it out of curiosity.

What does an overpriced award-winning tampon have

that the others don't?

Nothing. Awards are just trying to make ordinary things sound special,

and the thing is, you are not special.

Come on!

There are seven billion of us here for a millisecond, really.

We're all heading in the same direction, award or not.

It's such a waste of a journey.

Spend it looking for other people's approval.

You need to find your own.

Dr F will really help with that.

Thanks.

You should write a self-help book.

Steady on, I'm a total twat.

It was just the thought of standing on stage

and everyone clapping ME.

What must that feel like? Awful.

Winners are never happy. They're all miserable, deep down.

You have to be, to be that driven.

Come on, let's give the rest of this a miss.

Let's check out the bar.

Fuck awards, I need to get you happy drunk.

And the awards for Photographer Of The Year

goes to Katie Wilkinson.

APPLAUSE

Is she here?

Katie, what are you doing?

You're up, Photographer Of The Year, you won, yay, congratulations.

Hurry up! Oh, my God, congratulations!

Oh, I'm thrilled.

A tiny bit gutted, but mostly thrilled!

Go and pick it up for me, will you?

No, no, no. No, no way.

Please? I'm drunk.

I'll say something I'll regret, that'll get me sacked.

I here by nominate you to pick it up on my behalf.

Pass on my unfelt apologies.

Keep the applause going, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE

What the fuck are you doing? Yeah, I've going to get it.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, it's brilliant.

Come back, come back.

APPLAUSE

Erm...

Katie's very sorry she can't be here to accept this award.

She wants you to know she's very grateful for this.

These awards are the gold standard of our industry.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Katie would like to thank her daughter Ella,

who's also very sorry she couldn't be here tonight,

and thank her friends,

especially her best friends,

and of course, thank the whole team at the Dublin Standard.

We're like a family!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

In these dark, apocalyptic times,

it's more important than ever that we're fearless in telling the truth.

Here, here. Right?

Let's keep telling the truth!

APPLAUSE

Right? Because the truth is,

as Katie told me only tonight,

like, before she couldn't make it,

"While it's nice to win and feel validated,

"these awards aren't the be-all and the end-all."

Think about that.

Do you know that tampons get awards now?

I mean, how do they even judge that?

The people who think up awards probably get awards.

We have to be better than that.

Because in life's dark comedy,

we're all going in the same direction.

We're all heading for that big, grey sanitary bin in the corner,

and awards can't protect you.

And that's the real truth,

that Katie Wilkinson, Photographer Of The Year,

wanted you to know tonight. Thank you very much, that's lovely.

That's a lot to think about there, ladies and gentlemen.

Just don't be a tampon!

Our next awards, ladies and gentlemen,

is, erm, Scoop Of The Year.

I'm sorry, what does how tall you are

have got anything to do with how many followers...?

Sometimes I feel like telling his wife.

Promise me you will never do that.

Of course not.

Let's just drink, enjoy ourselves.

Back in a second. Mm.

Katie.

Congratulations.

Your work's in a different league.

Great composition, strong form.

Honest.

Well done.

I don't need a cabal of white privileged blokes to tell me that,

but thanks anyway.

Great speech, by the way.

Do you ever stop and drink any of that champagne you dole out?

With the right company.

So...

..I guess you're the right company.

Laura!

Oh, thank God, you're just doing drugs.

I never do this.

Moderation beats abstinence, huh?

Well, yeah, exactly.

All right, go on, then.

Just don't vlog about this.

# Hey, heartbreaker

# Hey, heartbreaker

# Hey, heartbreaker

# Yes, you, heartbreaker

# I know I'm young

# And I know you're old

# I know I'm old

# And I know you're young

# But we have so many stories untold... #

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