Original subtitles

HUBBUB

THEY BREATHE HEAVILY AND GROAN

Say something dirty to me. Like what?

Anything. Anything!

I can't think. It's OK. Tell me what to say and I'll say it.

OK. I don't know, er...

Say you want to milk me and get my cream in, yeah?

I'm not saying that.

PHONE RINGS Oh. Shit, shit.

Oh, shit. I have to take this. What?!

Oh, yeah. Hi.

Er, out for lunch with a contact.

Yeah.

HAND DRYER STARTS Shit. Fuck off.

No. Not you, obviously.

Nothing. Sorry. Shut up.

It's no one.

Honestly...

..it's no one.

Jeez, I don't know. Didn't we say not bevelled?

Well, then get bevelled, baby.

Yeah, whatever you want. Yeah.

OK, yeah. You, too.

Bye-bye.

Sorry about that. We have to stop this.

We absolutely have to stop this.

You're right.

THEY GROAN

Okey dokey.

So, first we're going to insert this.

Then, I'll thread the catheter into your uterus

and we'll slowly insert the sperm

and then we'll just cross our fingers

that you'll be blessed with a beautiful baby.

Just don't cross your fingers while you're up there, OK.

HE LAUGHS Now, then. This may be a little bit uncomfortable,

but, we do have to get you wide enough.

TABLE WHIRRS

Going up.

Okey dokey.

I think that's my floor.

OK. Just relax.

Now, here we go.

OK. Ow. Oops.

Ow. Oopsie daisy.

Ow. All right, nearly there.

And bingo.

All right.

Can you give me a minute? Hm?

SHE LAUGHS

What the fuck I doing?!

Can you take it out? Out?

Yeah. SHE SIGHS

It's not you, it's me.

You are the first man I have met in...in a long while

who I would actually want to put a baby in me.

So, if I change my mind, I know where you are!

I guess this must happen a lot.

Thanks. Thank you.

Shit. Sorry.

No wonder you dumped me.

Seriously, I'm not going to go on about it, though.

You're grand, Martin.

I think I made a mistake. Do you want to swap?

Oh, I don't mean...

I mean us. I think we should get back together again.

HE SPLUTTERS AND COUGHS

Alison, are you messing?

Because that's really lousy if you're taking a laugh of me.

But, seriously... Are you serious?!

Yeah.

You, me...

back together,

make a baby...

But, obviously, be happy this time.

I was happy the first time.

I never stopped loving you.

You know that, don't you?

Actually, would you mind if we swapped?

All right?

TOILET DOOR LOCKS

BABY GURGLES

Patrick! What a lovely surprise.

How are you? More importantly, how's my gorgeous little nephew?

Come here and give your auntie Laura a big kiss.

What are you doing in a dump like this?

Having lunch with Jen and her folks.

Oh, right. Yeah, lovely.

Oh, lovely. Hey, Jen.

Hey, Jen's parents. Hi.

Are you ready for the big christening, I can't wait.

What's going on, Laura? Hm? Nothing. What do you mean? The guy?

He's just a friend. He was just helping me find an earing.

I lost an earing and he said he'd help me look for it.

He's got one of those dinky little torches

on the end of is earing. Keyring.

We found it, though. It was under the sanitary bin.

Really handy. The little torches, I mean. Not sanitary bins.

I can't wait for the big day! Oh, Lord.

It's an honour to be his godmother, Patrick. Thank you.

It's the most important day of my life.

I'm really sorry, I have to take this.

I'll see you on Saturday, though. Cos, you know, it'll be amazing.

The latest advertising figures are disappointing.

So, no taxis, no lunches on expenses,

unless they're OK'd by me in advance.

Sorry I'm late.

It's either that or we'll all be looking for new jobs

and they won't be in newspapers.

Now, there's a few more announcements,

but more on them tomorrow.

Kieran, over to you.

OK, what are we all working on?

Laura?

What have you got?

Erm, I've quite a lot, actually. Mm-hm?

Yeah, I've got a few ideas...here.

So, Is Anxiety The New Depression?

Apparently, it is.

Erm, A Portrait Of Unfaithful Ireland.

There's some new research on it and it's worse than ever.

Decision Fatigue: Faced With So Much Choice How Do We...?

I could just do all of them.

Did you see that look from Claire? No. She definitely gave me a look.

You know I've been covering Sonia's column since she left.

In fact, did you not read last week's,

When Nice Parenting Does More Harm Than Good? Of course not.

You know I only look at my pictures to see how badly they've cropped them.

Well, you're missing out. It was fifth most read and commented on.

It's usually sport and politics in the top ten.

Unless there's a freak incident like a royal baby.

I know you're trying to tell me something, I've no idea what it is.

I think maybe they're going to make me permanent.

You know it's going down so well. The readers love it.

That's excellent, I thought I was getting made redundant.

Laura! Yo!

Mm!

Wait till you taste my hot and sour prawn soup. It's my best yet.

Can't wait. What time is the match on?

TOGETHER: Eyes, nose, cheeky, cheeky chin. Oh, God.

It's auntie Laura.

Auntie Laura, watch this. Ready everyone. One, two, one, two, three.

TOGETHER: Eyes, nose, cheeky, cheeky chin.

Cheeky, cheeky chin, nose, eyes. Again.

Eyes, nose, cheeky, cheeky chin. Cheeky, cheeky chin, nose, eyes.

Again. Mam, do you have any of that fizzy co-codamol?

In the cupboard. Stressful day, Laura?

Yeah, I have a stressful job, Patrick. If that's what you mean?

I didn't know Patrick was going to be here.

He's always here, with Jen doing crazy hours and stuff. Yum.

Can I get some in a flask? I have to go.

You just got here. What's more important than all this?

Well, actually, I might be getting my own column at work.

Your own column? MUM: Laura, King Joe knows his colours.

Come here, watch this.

He's the cleverest boy in the whole world, King Joseph.

Yeah, looks like I'm getting my own column.

I did one last week on the dangers of overpraising children.

Did nobody read it? Oh, yeah. I did read that. I didn't like it.

You can't overpraise children.

SINGING: Auntie Laura is getting her own column.

Auntie Laura's a very clever girl.

You're up to your neck in it already, Laura.

How are you going to find time?

Yeah, so it means I'll be able to write about issues

I feel really strongly about.

Women's issues, inequality,

injustice, poverty, human rights, that kind of stuff.

Maybe you could write something about the christening.

BABY CHATTERS

Alison has something to tell us.

I'm having a baby!

What? A human baby?

I thought you'd given up on relationships?

I think you mean, er, we mean congratulations!

Thanks. I mean, I'm not pregnant.

Well, not this cycle, anyway.

But, yeah, we're officially trying.

We? Me and Martin. We're getting back toge... are back together.

So, thanks. Thanks so much.

Alison, I know you've had some really traumatic dates.

The stuffed animal guy...

And the dick pics guy. No, I quite liked the dick pics guy.

..and all those lads we're not allowed to mention,

but Alison, that's no reason to get back with Martin.

It's every reason to get back with Martin.

I never want to go on another first date as long as I live.

But you didn't love Martin.

You used to fantasise about him being in an avalanche.

You used to encourage him to go climbing on his own,

without his phone. You told him ropes were for wimps, remember?

Yeah! Hah! I forgot about that!

But I was young and idealistic. I've realised it's perfectly normal

to hate your partner and to wish they were dead, most of the time.

But after seeing what else is out there, Martin's not that bad.

Plus, I really, really want kids.

You can get a kid online. Or, wait a minute, I'll sell you a baby.

Half Danish, interested?

I didn't go through with it. That was today?

Oh, come on. Why didn't you tell us.

I could have come with you and held your hand.

That's exactly why I didn't tell you.

Well, now that you're not doing it, can I just say

that I thought it was a terrible idea.

But, luckily, as I was about to get an injection of Danish genius,

I realised that the best way for me to be a mum to Ella

was to not be a mum again. Mm.

Plus, a puppy's cheaper. So the sperm is yours, if you want it.

On me. Early Christmas present.

Thanks, but no way. I want to do it properly.

So get yourself a proper husband,

not someone you can't stand having sex with.

That is a proper husband.

And... You ever seen one of these little beauties?

No, what is it? It's a fertility monitor.

Charts my cycle, identifies my peak day, quick shag - ta-dah!

Baby on board. Wow, you should write a Mills and Boon.

It's reality, Laura. We all have to settle for it sooner or later.

Oh, hey. Hey. Ella, your mum's here.

So, listen, are you OK to keep weekdays next week,

but swap weekends? Why, what's happening?

Yoga retreat.

Sounds fun(!)

Hi. Wow, is that a new jacket? Yeah, Siobhan got it for me.

It's very girly. She is a girl.

Yeah, but she looks giftwrapped.

Ella hates those bows. Don't you, sweetheart?

I think it's cool.

Did Siobhan get you one, Rory? You'd suit it.

Goodbye, Katie.

I've got something to tell you. Uh-huh?

That's enough honey.

Remember we talked about a brother or a sister?

Are you having a baby?

I almost did. Have you got a boyfriend?

Honey, I want you to know there's more to life than boys and babies.

There is an amazing world out there with your name on it,

just waiting for you and me to explore.

It's OK, Mum. I'm getting a sister.

No, honey. I just said, it's not happening. I'm sorry. No, it is.

Siobhan is in her second trimester.

LAUGHING: Wow!

Yeah, that's great.

Do you want a cup of tea? I should get home.

We absolutely have to stop this.

I know. No. No, I really mean it.

So do I.

What happened on Sunday? You said you'd give me a ring.

Yeah, sorry. I just couldn't get a moment.

How come?

Just...

you know... No. Tell me. Go on, spit it out, I need to hear it.

Shopping.

All day? Yeah, all day.

Top Tiles, The Tiles Emporium, Tiles, Tiles, Tiles

and lastly, The Tiles Experience.

Yeah, what for?

A new carpet.

SHE SIGHS

I meant, like, kitchen, garden, roof?

Bathroom. We're, er...

getting a new bathroom.

I want a new bathroom. I want to go shopping for new bathroom tiles

with someone, at some point in my life, maybe.

No, you don't.

Trust me.

You're not a shopping for tiles kind of girl.

That's what I love about you. No, stop.

Do you want know what I did on Sunday?

Waited, all day.

It's bad enough at fecking 15. At this age?

OK, why don't we hit pause?

What, now? Yeah.

Get back to purely professional.

SHE SCOFFS

Stop. We're hitting stop. Not pause.

And I'm the one hitting it. Not you.

OK.

Yeah.

Is that Nicole Kidman?

How would that be Nicole Kidman?

She looks nothing like her.

I think it does.

So, how long has she had an army? Oh, God. Two seasons.

For fuck's sake, Martin. You said you'd been keeping up.

Well, kind of.

Since you've been away, I haven't watch much telly.

What did you do?

I did, er...other the things.

With other people?

Yeah, sometimes.

Was there a woman on the scene? What?

A woman? No, no. There was no woman.

Good, because I'd hate to think us getting back...

I mean, there was women, but there was no particular woman.

Women?

As in...

lots of women, or... Alison... ..just two women?

..you ended it.

I wasn't going to lie around here feeling shite about myself.

Not after the first six months, anyway.

So, was there more than two women, or...?

On a good week, yeah.

For now, we're not looking for any more redundancies,

that's the good news. But we're down a few bodies after the last round

and the freelance budget's cut, so we're all going to have to muck in.

Roisin, can you take on education?

Dermot, keep an eye on transport as well as environment and health.

Oh, and the Middle East.

Laura... Yes? We need you to take on obituaries.

Obit... Obituaries?

Tributes to dead people. Yeah, I know what the f...

Erm, can't Dermot do them, as well?

Erm... What about Sonia's column?

We're looking at someone external.

What? Who? What do you mean?

A big online personality.

Oh, all right.

So we're all doing four people's jobs - well some of us are -

and how much are you paying for this big online personality?

We want to try and attract a new, younger audience, Laura.

It's no reflection on you.

Right, can you talk me through tomorrow's front page?

I told my mum and dad I'm getting my own column.

My mam's made up a song about it.

At least they'll read your stuff now. Old people love the obits.

I can't believe I'm going to be writing about dead people.

Dead people can be very interesting. And inspirational.

Gandhi. I hate Gandhi.

What about Beyonce, then? She'll be dead one day.

Who'll write her obituary? It's not me.

Because if she dies before me, I'm going to kill myself.

Anyway, I'm going to quit journalism.

Go and do something worthwhile, like join the UN

or become a top human rights lawyer like Amal Clooney.

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry.

You OK about everything?

And by everything, I mean...

Kieran.

It's all over.

OK.

But if the antidepressants and the Friends reruns are not enough,

you could talk to someone.

Really helped me with the divorce and my mum issues.

Is he cute?

See for yourself.

Hey, Ella-pops. How was school? Good.

Miss Flanagan loved my Egyptian headdress.

Of course she did. We worked very hard on it, didn't we? Yeah.

So, congratulations are in order.

Oh, Ella did most of the work. I just supervised.

I was referring to your other news.

Oh, Ella told you about that, did she?

Sorry. Well, thanks.

It's a bit embarrassing finding out through my daughter. Oh. Hey, Katie.

I was just telling your wife how embarrassing it was

for me to find out your news through Ella.

Yeah, thanks. We're really excited.

When were you going to tell me?

Now.

Didn't occur to you to let me know a bit earlier?

OK. So, er...

what's this really about?

This is big news.

Yeah. Yeah, it's big news. So, we should have talked about it.

But it's not going to change anything between you, me and Ella.

Look, we're all here now,

why don't we talk about it as a family?

Oh, Jesus!

Every time. Every time. You're amazing.

You're amazing.

He swings around the banister, right? Mm-hm.

And then his mother is in the bathroom,

the bathroom door was closed and his mother had started...

Oh, was she in the bathroom? Yeah, hang on.

And so the mother was standing there... Hi, Martin.

How are you? Hi!

I thought you moved abroad?

Yeah, I did, but I'm back now.

You never came to visit...

..but it's good to see you. You're looking grand.

Yeah, you, too.

Who's that?

That was Emer.

We went out for a bit.

You and her?

Was it a blind date thing?

No. We matched online.

We went out for a couple of months and then she moved abroad.

She asked me to go with her.

Emer The Dreamer, we all called her.

Emer The Dreamer.

Did your friends have a name for me?

No.

LAUGHTER

INDISTINCT

Sorry, excuse me, do you mind if I just sit there, please?

Thank you, excuse me. Sorry. Just budge up a bit, please.

Just a bit more, thank you.

Can I get two large Sauvignons, please?

HE LAUGHS

Excuse me. Excuse me, get out of my way, quick.

Kieran! What a coincidence!

I was just... I was across the street, caught up with some friends,

having a great night out! Hey, Laura.

This is Samara Brennan, the influencer.

Nice to meet you.

The influencer? What the f...?

Oh, don't worry. I hadn't heard of it either.

I think it's because we're deadwood media types over the age of 35!

HE LAUGHS I'm not over 35, I'm at 35.

I'm exactly 35.

Let's just report the facts here.

Laura's one of our feature writers.

Cool. Mm.

Hey, can I have a quick word? Yeah.

Yeah. Just...

What's going on? Who the fuck is she?

And what the fuck's a fucking influencer?

She's got over 200,000 followers, Laura, OK?

That's way more readers than we have. Yeah, good for her.

What the fuck are you doing with her? Getting to know her.

Running through ideas.

We're trying her out as a new columnist.

You're fucking joking me?

It wasn't my idea, Laura. OK? But it makes sense, business sense.

I got to go.

No, please, don't.

Er, two minutes. The taxi.

Don't share a taxi with her.

You could just...

come back to mine.

One last time. We chat through some stuff and say goodbye properly?

I thought you wanted to stop this? I do, but I don't want you to...

I'm dropping her off, for fuck's sake. Yeah, what about your wife?

Sorry. Sorry.

You know, you should check out Samara's stuff.

It's good. It's really good, actually.

She talks about all sorts of taboo subjects like vaginas,

mental health issues.

I'll talk about my vagina!

And my mental health issues, if that's what you want.

SHE SIGHS Fuck's sake.

Hi, everybody. It's Samara here.

Ooh, it's windy today.

I have just been on a 5K run.

First thing in the morning,

it's very difficult for the body to digest colour.

Today, I want to talk to you about my vagina.

Would you fuck off.

We're all so scared of talking about our vagina

and I don't know why, because all ladies have one.

Hello?

Hello! I have a vagina, I do have a vagina.

I never thought about making a video about it.

MUSIC: Avant Gardener by Courtney Barnett

Hello, Dr Fitzgerald. Erm, I hope you're well

and my friend Katie, she said we should hook up.

SHE SNIGGERS

Cheeky bitch.

I'm not, like, nuts or anything,

but, yeah, I am struggling a bit.

You know, like relationships.

And, like, just fecking everyone worships

at the pram of King Joseph.

He is cute and he's amazing and...

SHE VOMITS

PHONE RINGS

Oh, shit.

I baptise you in the name of the Father, Son

and Holy Spirit.

Thanks.

Oh!

Oh, I am so sorry.

Absolute nightmare traffic.

The taxi driver did not his way around Dublin.

Sorry. Just carry on.

You're too late, Laura. We're done now.

What do you mean too late? I mean, too late.

We finished the christening.

But this is the most important day of my life.

Really?

Wow. Hey, what if I renounced the devil now, just very quickly,

will that work?

BABY GURGLES

Patrick.

Big smile. Look at Grandma. Look at the camera.

Patrick, come here.

Please, please, give me another chance.

Have a second christening. Next week.

Or in a couple of weeks, if that would be easier.

Please, I need to be Joseph's godmother. He needs me.

Everyone's going to be like, what happened?

Why aren't you his godmother?

They're going to think I'm really bad with kids. Like Joan Collins.

Crawford. Please!

I'm so stressed. I've got a lot going on,

they're trying to palm obituaries on me

and then they gave my column to an influencer.

An influencer!

Then my laptop died. Patrick, OK. OK.

You want to know the truth?

I slept in. Do you want to know why?

I'm writing a book for baby Joe.

And not one of those stupid picture books kids like,

a real book about my journey.

All right, squeeze, squeeze, smile.

It's not even about that, is it?

Well, how are you holding up?

Between you and me, I think Patrick made a big mistake.

I think you'd be a great godmother.

I'll have you know I've got people, friends queueing up asking me to,

you know, sponsor, mentor, spiritually guide their children.

I know what you mean, Joseph's my fifth.

Fifth? So, when's poor Joseph going to get a look in from you?

And what does someone have to do to get five godchildren?

Are you a kids TV presenter or something?

Not exactly, but can I get you a drink?

No, you're grand, thanks.

BABY CRIES

I think I can hear the baby,

you should probably go do your Godfather: Part Five thing.

Well, nice to meet you, I'm James.

Laura. I know. What an eejit.

No, I liked him.

Peek-a-boo.

Do think we'll ever be able to do all of that?

I can already do it.

Peek-a-boo.

I guess, I am.

Shit.

Don't worry, There are other ways to live happily ever after.

THEY COO OVER BABY

Can I speak to Dr Fitzgerald, please?

This is Dr Fitzgerald speaking.

Oh, I was expecting...

Well, anyway, never mind that.

My name's Laura.

Laura Donegan?

You've heard of me?

Well, you left me five messages at 4am this morning.

Oh, wow. Sorry about that.

That must count as just one session, does it?

I hope you're not going to charge me.

That was a joke, by the way.

Yeah. No, I got that.

It's just that you didn't laugh. So, I can give you an appointment

at eight, next Tuesday.

What, like, this Tuesday?

AM? Mm-hm.

Er...no, I don't think I can make that.

I've got loads on and work stuff

and if you gave me more time to prepare...

I think you're very well prepared, Laura.

Thank you. OK, so I'll see you Tuesday.

Actually, let's just park it for now.

Oh, shit.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

# My internal monologue is saturated analog

# It's scratched and drifting

# I've become attached to the idea It's all a shifting dream

# Bittersweet philosophy

# I've got no idea how I even got here

# I'm resentful, I'm having an existential time crisis

# Want bliss daylight savings won't fix this mess #

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