Original subtitles

The 1970s were an awesome time to be a kid. It was the Wild West.

Bike helmets hadn't been invented yet, or car seatbelts, or even normal adult

supervision. Dads weren't around as much as they are now, and my mom was busy

running the house. She had a lot on her plate, and no time for tomfoolery,

whatever that is.

There were eight of us boys, including my oldest brother just home from

That's a lot of testosterone under one roof.

Allow me, m 'lady.

Don't forget your lunch. I made you a sandwich from the leftover meatloaf. Oh,

like that type.

Your loaf only gets better with time.

Ew. Buck 89 from the Sears Toy Department.

Literally down the drain.

Hey, pal, I found your army doll.

I'm busy.

Oh, well, thank God your father and I aren't.

Be careful.

One of those belts might knock a picture off the wall. All right, you got this.

I'll be home to usual.

On it.

Hey, Mrs. Cleary.

Oh, hi, Wendy.

Thanks for letting me borrow that.

Of course.

When do I wear a scarf? Not driving a convertible around Monaco.

I guess it's hard for you to get out and have fun. Oh, I don't know. Just

yesterday I went to Bunny Del Monte's funeral.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't be. They had those Jewish donuts you spread cheese on.

Do you ever just...

Go get coffee with a friend. Coffee makes me jittery.

And so do friends.

Eddie's in his room. But be warned, it smells like seat noises in there.

Mommy, I think seat noises is just our family's word. Five seconds in Eddie's

room, she'll be up to speed.

Close the door.

Where's my mom? In the backyard, don't worry.

Close the door anyway.

My mom had a sick... That's when it came to us trying to get away with anything.

The distant click of a closing bedroom door was like an air raid siren to her.

Lookie here.

Wow, champagne.

And it's red.

That is called duck.

It's from a vineyard in Detroit.

I think that's pronounced Detroit.

Oh, there's ours. My buddy Dino swiped this from his folks.

This will be fun when we get a meteor shower tonight.

It will definitely enhance the Perseids Maximus, which is very active this year.

Perseids Maximus? I researched that at the library, so you wouldn't think I was

just taking you there to make out. Which you are.

You better stow that, though. Your mom has a way of popping in unexpectedly.

If we like this, I can get other stuff from Dino.

He's a good guy, and he doesn't mind stealing.

Holy hell!

I'm dead.

If my mom finds out, I'm dead.

Then we can't let her find out.

Sure, Mom could have burst in and brought down the hammer right there, but

mother saw the opportunity to figure out if Wendy was worthy of Eddie.

And, more importantly, worthy of her.

I have $9 and a Pee Wee Reese rookie card in my top sock drawer.

Take them and go.

You can start a new life.

We can clean this. This isn't so bad. It is bad. My parents hate liquor. They

won't even have it in the house. This was true.

If a recipe called for alcohol, my mom would substitute something else.

Her cream of mushroom rum cake was not a hit. It fake failed.

Maybe I can distract your mom for a little while. It won't work. I have to

the sheets, the floor. I just have to get her out of the house for a few

She doesn't leave this house. She goes to church and that's it. What does she

for fun? Nothing. She's the enemy of fun.

Your mom trusts me. I'll convince her. I can't have her hating me over this. She

won't hate you. She'll just judge you forever.

Oh, wait.

That's what she does for fun.

Mom. Wasting electricity in the daytime.

Use the free light.

Hey, Mrs. Cleary.

Oh.

You and Eddie headed out? We were, but then I started thinking, you should go

out. What a strange suggestion.

Why on earth would you want me to leave the house?

Oh, wait, I know.

You're worried about me having enough fun.

You were saying that you don't get out much. Well, I guess I wouldn't mind

having my hair done at Helen's Salon, but... I could never.

Of course you could. No. Every time I turn around, there's some new mess being

created. Who knows what else I'd find if I started poking around.

There's a house full of healthy boys here to take care of all that.

Eddie? These little lumps are no help. She's not wrong. We're lumps.

They're just pretending to be useless so you don't make them do chores.

Did you tell her? No.

But you just did. Sorry, Mrs. Cleary. I'm not taking no for an answer.

Hey. You changed your shirt.

Funny, I just had the craziest sneeze.

Your mother's going to go out and get her hair done. Oh, good idea. And I said

while she's out, we'll take care of her health work. We're doing something nice

for mom?

I'm in. You see, they're dying to help. Watch the baby, do the laundry, mop the

kitchen. It's the least they can do. I can picture less. You're all being so

sweet.

What the heck? Okay, I'll go.

But I promise, I'll be right back.

Take your time. Do extra stuff. Get your fingernails washed or whatever.

Fingernail washing?

That's no fun alone.

Wait, here's a thought.

Wendy, why don't you come with me?

Um, I suppose that could work. It'll be my treat. We'll gossip. Tell each other

all our secrets.

I'm kidding.

You don't have any secrets on me. No.

If you guys really want to help me clean the house, the best way to do that is

to stay out of my way. I'll let you back in for dinner.

If you need me, I'll be under that tree.

Or, more correctly, I'll be visiting the seventh moon of valleys with my good

friend, Quater. Alone under the tree. Got it. What about you, Pat?

Want to meet my secret dog?

The one with the blood red eyes who sears through your bedroom window at

No, that's Kevin.

This one is real. I came a couple blocks from here. Come on!

Our main job today is keeping that alive.

Don't die.

Joey, go to the garage.

You're going to grab a bucket and mop, come back, and your job will be

the kitchen floor.

On it.

Frank, you do laundry. As long as you tell Mama it was me.

Unlike Mother's Day, when I bought her a card, and everybody put their names on

it. Don't be a drip, Frank. Even Joey is helping.

Start with the wet towels in the bathroom.

Hey, what's going on? Glad you're here.

It's kind of a crisis.

Oh, yeah. Dad forgot his lunch. What?

No. If Dad comes home hungry, I'm dead. Sure, the guy can be a little grumpy,

but just steer clear until he's eaten. What in tarnation happened here?

Now I see the real reason you send Mom to the hairdresser. You don't really

about helping her be as beautiful as she can be.

This will all be taken care of. Oh, it will. Once I call Mom, and Mom calls the

police, and the police thank Mom, and Mom thanks me, and I say, oh, it's fine,

Mom. We can share the credit.

Stop!

Give me that! You just added assault to your crimes, mister!

Break it up!

So where's this dog of yours?

He's trapped. We have to rescue him.

He belongs to the people living at this house.

Now you sound like the people that live here.

He wants to play with me. What?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have to know a better way to our

house. Kathy!

What's happening doesn't match what you're saying.

Keep going straight.

I thought Helen's was near your house.

Wendy, don't ask a million questions. Just go with the flow.

Wanted me to have fun, right?

Well, maybe we should just go home.

No.

Absolutely. We'll go wherever you want. My mom was big on loyalty and planned to

put Wendy to the test before letting this upstart crack our family circle.

didn't have a license but was completely in the driver's seat. Get on the 5

freeway.

I couldn't reach Dad.

Maybe he'll buy us one today.

When did a ham sandwich go up to 75 cents?

It's ridiculous.

Lou! Yeah?

I'm right home.

Are you new here?

Dad's not going to want to pay for lunch when he has a free sandwich waiting at

home. He still talks about what a deal World War II was because the Army paid

for his meals.

I'm going to tell him and Mom everything.

You guys are going to be in so much trouble.

William!

Untie me, or I'll smack you. Well, you are bigger than me, but Eddie's bigger

than you.

So according to the transitive property of smacking, sorry, out of luck.

If Dad got off for lunch five minutes ago, he's going to be here any minute.

what if he doesn't have to come inside?

His car pulls up, I just run out and give him his sandwich. Problem solved.

What?

Oh, this is nice.

Oh, wow, Mrs. Clary, this place is very she -she.

What? Saying these rich people are better than us?

True question. Of course they are. But they don't know that.

Whatever I do, play along.

I don't think we should. Hi, we're here for haircuts.

We're appointment only and we're a solidly booked.

Excuse me.

I wouldn't know what to ask for here anyway. Don't be silly.

We didn't do freeway driving to give up now.

Do you have my back?

Okay.

I believe we're down for two o 'clock, but we're very early.

I'm Simone and this is Bianca.

I think we can accommodate you now.

Does that work for you, Bianca?

Ciao.

You have any children, Simone?

As a matter of fact, I have eight adorable Pekingese.

Oh. I think about them like my children.

Actually, I sell their children. I'm a breeder. I will have to give you my

number. I love Chinese dogs.

Eight? That seems like too many. Oh, I think that every day, Valentine.

Bianca has an interesting hobby.

Falconry.

Tell them all about Hercules.

I have a falcon.

And his name is Hercules.

You two are the living end.

Don't go anywhere, Valentin. Right back.

What are we doing, Mrs. Berry? We're doing very little. I'm doing all the

lifting here.

I have a falcon. His name is Hercules.

You're going to blow this.

Blow this?

What are we going to do when Simone and Bianca get here?

You think we can't take Simone and Bianca? They probably weigh 12 pounds

them. Champagne?

Oh, thank you.

It's nice.

Don't worry, I'm not going to tell your mom.

I thought you didn't drink.

Mike abstains.

A lot of sad boozers on his side, but I've been known to sneak a sip every now

and again.

You know how that is.

Don't you?

You snooze, you lose.

William, you're better than these guys. Just free me.

Better yet, I'll free your imagination.

Oh, no.

Quatar sat on a dune in the middle of the Ligurian desert, reflecting on the

struggle of the Ligurian people.

I hate you so much.

You're telling me this is the last of the meatloaf? Why'd you have to take

a big bite? This is the last of the meatloaf. Spread it out so it reaches

edge of the bread.

There you go.

Meatloaf comb over. There's not enough of it. Well, her meatloaf's mostly

breadcrumbs anyway.

it up with crackers and ketchup joey watch for dad so we know when he gets

he's here there i helped no go outside and stall i need another minute

hey pop que pasa i forgot my damn lunch and speak english

hold on i'm gonna be straight with you okay i was sent out here to stall you so

you don't see some dicey stuff that's going on inside right now the good news

You're going to get your sandwich. Where's your mother?

Exactly the type of question that'll just get you drawn in deeper. Look, I

you're a man with a lot on his plate.

You really want to take this on?

Has anyone hurt or in danger? Nothing that can't be cleaned up before you get

home at six.

Oh, hey.

Here's your sandwich, Dad.

If anything has happened to the TV, this is a whole different discussion.

I like it, Ken.

This was definitely worth hiring those eight dog sitters.

What do you think, Bianca?

Wow. I feel like a whole new person named Bianca. You can take care of

business out front.

And we now have a diner's club. Of course you do.

Lovely to meet you, gal. You two are a gas.

Oh, come on.

You two?

We'll see you soon.

Oh. Mrs. Clary, I can't let you pay for that. I have no intention of paying this

amount. Helen never charged more than $10 and should take a buck off if you

brought your own shampoo.

I'm going to give him $20 for both of us, and that's more than fair.

I don't think you get to choose how much it costs. You do if you're heading out

the back.

You with me?

You can't just... I can't believe you

did that. Well, if you feel bad, you can go give your hairdo back.

And as the green sun set over the Vale of Lothar, Kwaitar wondered if he would

ever see his beloved Persephone again.

All right, you've suffered enough. You can come inside now. About dang time.

I wasn't talking to you.

William?

No, wait.

Don't leave me out here.

I don't even know what's going to happen to Kwaitar. At least tell me how the

story ends.

Do you promise to keep your mouth shut when mom comes home?

Okay, untie him and read him the book.

That was terrifying, Mrs. Cleary.

You scare me.

You know what scares me, hon?

New people.

Coming to my house, sniffing around my family.

It's not easy for me to trust.

But you proved yourself to me today, backing me up the way you did and

a hairdo.

So this was all a test.

And you passed, Bianca.

Your loyalty today almost makes up for the bald -faced lying you did back at

house. Suddenly all worried that I need a day off.

Well, sure.

You worked so hard. Stop.

The last person to pull one over on me was Bunny Damani.

Never trusted that woman.

But you went to her funeral. Just to make sure she was dead.

So, are you ready to tell me the truth about what happened in Eddie's room?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

There was this bottle of Detroit Champagne that we were going to drink at

meteor shower tonight, and it broke.

I broke it.

You broke it. It was all my idea. My bottle of wine.

And Eddie didn't know about it?

No, ma 'am. Well, I know for a fact that's a lie.

This is Cleary.

But it's the right lie.

As much as I appreciate your loyalty to me, you protecting Eddie is something I

appreciate more.

He's not my most devious offspring.

He's going to need people who have his back.

With the right friends, I can see him adding value to society one day.

You know, some milkman or something.

You can do more than that.

Calm down, honey. You've got the job.

I really admire how devoted you are to your children, Mrs. Cleary. That I am.

But I'm not fanatical about it.

I think this is where our journey with Tessie ends, Pat.

It's okay to be sad, boy.

This isn't goodbye.

Okay, bye.

I'll turn off, sweetie.

I swear.

Do you understand why she's crying?

I'd feel the same way if I'd ever lost Tessie.

I'm home!

Eddie? Mom.

House looks great. Thanks.

I didn't get a chance to start on my room, so it looks exactly how it did

you left. I gotta say, Mom, doing all your stuff for one day gave me a whole

appreciation.

I finally get why you're so mean.

What's that little pink speck there on the crucifix?

It's the blood of Christ.

Look, it wipes right off.

There.

It's good as new.

Hmm.

As he left Kraton, he looked back at the nine rings of his home planet and knew

that his past would always be his future.

So that's the secret of Kwaitar.

Or is it?

Whoa.

I told you, Pop.

I'm a man of my word.

Okay, then.

Even though we often went our separate ways and

had our own adventures, dinner was the time we could come together as a family

and avoid talking about our day.

Eddie, good job with the Stouffer's frozen lasagna.

50 minutes at 425.

I like the way Mom cuts it into perfect squares.

I don't know what to do with this mess. Nothing beats your mom's meatloaf

sandwich.

Today's was the best ever.

Patiently same to me.

We need a dog.

I vote no.

Dog's a big responsibility.

Not like a fish or a cat where it doesn't matter if you keep it alive.

I can handle big responsibilities.

Okay, then we've got that leak in the roof. You get up there and fix that and

we'll talk dog. I cannot believe it.

Is nobody even going to bring up the real crime here today?

The fact that no one.

Has he even told Mom yet how lovely her hair looks?

Oh, Frank.

Thank you.

Real nice hair, Peg.

You'd be one of those Gabor sisters.

Hi,

Mrs. Cleary.

Oh, there you are, Wendy.

Aren't you going to compliment her on her hairdo?

Yeah, of course.

Look at all that.

You ready to go?

We're headed up to Hanson Dam to watch the meteor shower.

That's a lot of interest in astronomy for a guy who got a C -.

I believe my friend Wendy is staying in with us tonight.

Your mom wants to teach me how to decoupage.

She's amazing and so crafty.

She's definitely crafty.

Seems a shame to miss the perceived Maximus tonight.

I'll go with you, buddy.