Original subtitles

JIMMY: Let there be cake.

I didn't mean to cut your head off. I'm just under a lot of pressure here.

- Uh, who wants cake? WOMAN: Oh, yeah, I do.

Another glass of bubbly.

And throw in a Shirley Temple for the lady.

Lois, don't you think you might wanna pace yourself?

Believe me, Smallville, I am a lot more obnoxious sober.

And the last thing anyone wants is me making a scene at this blessed event.

Chloe is barely legal.

And she is getting herself hitched to the first guy who's shown her any attention.

Present company excepted.

I have suffered enough heartache to know real love when I see it.

And looking at those two...

...I don't know.

[LOIS SIGHS]

I don't see it.

Are you sure you're not just jealous that your little cousin's beating you to the altar?

This isn't a competition.

Then why are you keeping score?

Listen, Lois, it may not kill you to just show a little support.

You want support?

I'll show you support.

[LOIS GRUNTS]

[WHISPERS] Oh, good idea. Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Lois Lane.

Most of you know me as Chloe's cousin, a.k.a. The maid of honor.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[CHLOE LAUGHS]

When Chloe and I were little girls, we made a promise.

Neither of us would get married until we found our soul mates.

The one person in the whole wide world that we are destined to be with.

Which is why you can't take a 10-year-old on their word.

[CROWD MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

Okay, come on.

What I think Lois is trying to say...

...is that you can't predict when you will find that special someone.

And Jimmy is, without a doubt, that special someone for Chloe.

I've known Chloe since the 8th grade...

...and we've been through a lot together.

In all those years, the truth is I've never seen her so happy.

Congratulations. To Jimmy and Chloe.

ALL: To Jimmy and Chloe.

[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

CHLOE: We'll see you in a few months.

Thank you so much. You guys are great.

CHLOE: Thanks. Bye. JIMMY: Bye.

You know, it's a shame your parents couldn't be here today.

I would have really loved to celebrate your impeccable taste with them.

Well, they send their love. Dad is this close to closing a big deal in London.

His, uh, priorities are a little out of whack, but he means well.

I still hope you enjoyed yourself tonight.

You know what was my favorite part of the evening?

- Lf you say Lois' toast, I'm getting a prenup. - God, no. Heh.

When Clark was toasting us, I looked at you...

...and you had the most wonderful smile on your face.

You know, it really means a lot to me that you're finally okay with Clark.

Me being uptight about you and Clark is yesterday's news.

There maybe a textbook's worth of history between the two of you...

...but the future's all Chloe and Jimmy's story.

I think it's about time we head upstairs for some much needed alone time.

Oh, I think that is a fantastic idea.

JIMMY: Hey.

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

Smallville?

Good afternoon, Lois.

I thought you might need one of these.

Please, tell me we didn't...

[CHUCKLES]

You're hysterical when you're hung-over, Lois.

Don't worry...

...you got changed all by yourself.

In the middle of the kitchen, for like an hour.

[GROANS]

I take it I took a little drive on the porcelain highway.

It was more like a cross-country trip.

[GROANS]

LOIS: You know, I get...

[SIGHS]

You didn't have to take care of me.

I would've been perfectly fine on my own at the Talon.

I don't think Jimmy and Chloe would have been up for the Whitesnake sing-along.

[SCOFFS]

Chloe.

Uh, I was supposed to meet her for a dress fitting first thing this morning.

Do you need a ride?

You may have held my hair...

...but I don't need you to hold my hand, Smallville.

This may shock you, but I can still drive a car.

Not if it's not here.

This may shock you, but you were in no condition to get behind the wheel last night.

[SIGHS]

Thanks for the ride?

[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]

What do you mean you can't find the IP address?

The e-mail came through a ghost router.

As soon as we saw it, the router vanished from the grid.

At the very least, this could prove Mr. Luthor is still alive.

Or it could prove that someone is toying with me.

Find out who took the crystal. Or find a new line of work.

You know what's amazing to me? You can't find time to return my calls...

...but you do manage to fit it into your busy schedule...

...to buy the Star City Towers right out from under me.

Business is business.

Well, this is not about business.

And to be honest with you, revenge is not your best color.

Don't flatter yourself. One of the most important things that Lex taught me...

...is you can't afford to live in the past.

Did Professor Luthor also teach you about deception? Or how about obsession?

I hear his class in murder's an easy A.

He's done more for this world than you ever will, Oliver.

He dedicated his life to making it a safer place.

You know, Mercer, it seems to me...

...like Lex may have been a little bit more than a mentor.

If you're done wasting my time, I have phone calls to make.

Look, uh, I'm sorry.

Really, I didn't come here to battle with you.

Actually, I came here to raise the white flag.

How civil.

What do you propose, a truce?

Well, truce, yeah...

...over dinner.

You haven't changed one bit.

Oliver always wants what Oliver can't have.

You know, sometimes a meal's just a meal.

You can pick me up at 7.

Seven thirty it is.

Chloe.

Jimmy.

You know what Lois likes to see when she comes home? Pants.

Pants on everyone.

I had no idea Jimmy was so romantic.

[LOIS CHUCKLES]

Guess the Olsen's not so wholesome.

LOIS [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]: Chloe, it's your coz. Guess who came to my rescue.

Not Oliver Queen. Heh. Clark Kent.

He is just the sweetest boy I have ever known...

Chalk that one up to alcohol poisoning.

MAN [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]: This is Smallville P.D. Impound...

...for Chloe Sullivan and James Olsen.

Your vehicles were just brought in for obstructing a street cleaner.

You have 90 day...

They didn't even come home last night?

Then where the hell are they?

[MICE SQUEAKING]

[GROANING]

Chloe. Are you okay?

I think so. Where are we?

MAN: Dearly beloved...

...we are gathered here today to find out if these two were truly meant to be.

[GASPS]

Lois, I checked the Metropolis and the Smallville hospitals, as well as the airport.

- No sign of Jimmy or Chloe. - You covered a lot of ground.

You need to find the right people to ask. You find anything?

Chloe and Jimmy aren't the only couple missing, Clark.

At least three couples in the last two weeks have vanished without a trace.

- All engaged? - Credit cards haven't been touched.

Phone records show no sign of activity. The list goes on and on.

So unless Oprah said eloping was in for fall...

They've all been abducted.

I called the police, they won't even declare Jimmy and Chloe missing for 24 hours.

What kind of person would prey on people during the happiest time of their lives?

If I hadn't been too drunk to go home last night...

...I would have been there to stop it. - Or you would have been missing too.

Don't worry, Lois. We'll find them.

We should cross-reference Jimmy and Chloe with the other victims.

See if they have anything in common.

One step ahead of you. Jimmy, Chloe and the other couples...

...all visited the same wedding vendors within the last 10 days.

A bakery, a jewelry store and a stationery shop.

To name a few.

That stationery shop is around the corner. I'm gonna check it out.

- I'll call if I find anything. - No way am I putting my cousin's life...

...in the hands of a mild-mannered copy boy. Keep up.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

MAN: The art of abduction is surprisingly difficult.

It's easier when I find couples together.

Saves time.

Well, we'd hate to inconvenience you.

It's no trouble at all. It's my duty.

JIMMY: What...? What is that? MAN: This is a lie detector.

It's fairly harmless and not complicated at all.

In fact, when you get right down to it, it's really quite simple.

All it does is listen to your heart.

I guess you expect us to believe that's harmless too.

No. This is electricity.

Electricity hurts.

Is this how you get your kicks? Torturing innocent people?

It's not torture.

I'm doing you a favor.

Not everyone is meant to be married.

Countless couples rush headlong into marriage.

Ignorant to responsibility...

...to the burden of truth that comes with that level of commitment.

Those that are truly dedicated have no secrets.

Let's warm up with an easy question.

James...

[ELECTRICITY POWERING UP]

...have you ever cheated on your fiancée before?

No.

[GROANING]

Stop! Don't hurt her! I'm the one that lied! You hurt me!

Lies don't hurt you. Lies hurt the ones you love.

[GASPING]

You be honest.

It wasn't really cheating. I mean, this crazy woman, she kissed me.

I had a freaking heart attack, and I wound up in the hospital.

I know. I know it wasn't your fault.

You are the only girl...

...I've ever loved.

MAN: That will do for now.

Let's see what the bride has to say.

I wonder...

...how many lies is she hiding behind.

[GASPING]

If this were the last place on Earth, and I had to write an SOS...

...I wouldn't come for a nib or a quill. - Thank you for your time.

Lois, we're not gonna get anywhere if you shake down every person we talk to.

He was stonewalling us. Put the screws to a perp when the clock is ticking.

[CAR HONKING]

He was 70. He spent the night in the hospital. He still had his bracelet on.

Clark, my cousin, your best friend, is missing.

She could be hurt or dying or worse.

Which is exactly why we can't waste any more time.

- Okay, genius, what do you wanna do? - You should go back to the Daily Planet.

See if those background checks we ordered came in.

What do you plan on doing alone that we can't do together?

A lot.

Wait a minute. The guy is preying on couples, right?

- No, don't even go there. - Lf we walk in there pretending...

...to be the bait, we'll have him eating out of our hands.

No one will believe it. Not even for a second.

Clark Kent...

...will you marry me?

A smile every now and then wouldn't kill you.

In short supply, Lois. I wouldn't wanna waste one.

Can I help you?

Well, we are finally out ring shopping. Who's the luckiest girl in the world? I am.

Friends of ours said your store is the best place in town to find engagement rings.

Is there a certain piece you'd like to see?

Well...

- What about this one, pumpkin? - Anything you want, muffin.

Must be great, seeing happy couples come here every day.

It certainly is.

It's very fulfilling helping to solidify the bond between husband and wife.

Excellent craftsmanship.

A perfect circle, no beginning and no end.

Try it on. See how it looks.

Don't get stage fright, poodle. You're gonna have to do this center stage...

...in front of a packed house sooner than you think.

He has performance anxiety.

[CHUCKLES]

Look at that. A perfect fit.

What are you two doing here?

Oliver, uh, didn't get the invitation yet?

Invitation to what?

Tell him, cupcake.

Lois and I are...

We're getting married.

[LAUGHS]

You're just full of surprises lately, aren't you, Clark?

I know, right?

I mean, we've been friends for so long, but we just had this, um, one magical night.

And we couldn't deny our feelings any longer.

Is this true?

I'm afraid so.

See you at the wedding.

She has great taste. You're a very lucky man.

You have no idea.

If you're this afraid of pretend commitment...

...what's gonna happen when some girl makes the mistake of falling for you?

This isn't working. We need to split up.

We can track down more leads if we go in opposite directions.

- What if you get into trouble? - I think I'll be okay.

You know, you're drifting dangerously close to cocky.

What, no snarky comeback from the peanut gallery?

[SIGHS]

Please don't do this.

MAN: You should be pleading with me to continue.

If only someone had taken the time to do this for my wife and I.

You hook her up to your machine?

Something tells me she didn't walk out of here.

I cherished her, James. I honored her.

I did everything I promised when I took my wedding vows.

And how does she reward me? With one lie after another.

She never knew...

...but I could smell him on her.

So you killed her.

You see, the heart and the mouth are not always on the same page.

Get the hell away from her.

[ELECTRICITY POWERING UP]

Chloe...

...have you ever cheated on your fiancé?

No.

Excellent. Next question.

Are you in love with anyone else?

Don't answer him, Chloe. Don't give him the satisfaction.

[GROANS]

No!

Your fiancé is not the best person to be taking advice from at this moment.

Now, I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Are you in love with anyone else?

No.

[GASPING]

Only you, Jimmy. Forever.

[CHUCKLES]

Congratulations, James Olsen, Chloe Sullivan.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Mercy.

We got dinner reservations at Hob's Bay in just under an hour.

I like to work up an appetite.

[GRUNTING]

[CHUCKLES]

You used to be better at this.

What happened to not being interested in revenge?

This is not revenge. This is just practice.

Weak men like you make me stronger.

So you learn that Lionel killed your parents, and what do you do?

You drink yourself onto the society page. For what? Like, a month?

Well, you know me, I like to keep myself busy.

You still can't take anything seriously, can you? Just like our relationship.

[GRUNTING]

You know how much you meant to me.

Yeah, that became clear when I caught you with the waitress.

Or was she a hostess?

- How many times do I have to apologize? - I don't want an apology.

I want an explanation.

What the hell were you so afraid of?

You.

Clark, it's Lois.

I spoke with the police, and they told me that I think I should, uh...

Do you mind? Your high beams are burning holes into my skull.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Can you give me a call as soon as you get this? Bye.

MAN: You'll be seeing your fiancé soon enough.

Son of a bitch.

Oh, my God.

Jimmy. Jimmy, wake up.

We're okay.

What the hell happened?

Last thing I remember, that guy pulled out that gun and everything went black.

I told you we'd make it out.

Is this that masked man's idea of some kind of a twisted joke?

Uh, I'm gonna have to take the credit for this one.

And for the record, it was all a lot less creepy yesterday.

You know, I don't think I'd still be alive if I was sitting across anyone else in that room.

Because we're meant to be together?

Because things like that don't happen to people by accident.

No.

Because you don't have any secrets.

We should call the sheriff.

Okay.

[POLICE SIREN WAILS]

OFFICER: And if you hear anything again just get ahold of us.

We appreciate your help.

- I'm glad you two are okay. - Clark, what is it?

Lois. I can't find her. She left me a voicemail, then never made it to the Planet.

She was saying something about car headlights.

Headlights? That's what he used when he took us.

- Why would he want Lois? - It's a long story.

But anything you can remember might help me find Lois.

Uh, this guy, he's a certifiable wack job, C.K.

He was talking about how secrets kill.

- And our bond. - Stuff about lies begetting lies.

What did he say about your bond?

I don't know. Uh, he was talking about how important it is...

...to solidify the bond between husband and wife.

I know who has Lois.

LOIS: Tell me right now, what did you do with my cousin?

Where is she?

Lois?

- Lois. - Clark.

- You gotta find Chloe and Jimmy. - He let them go. I'm gonna get you out.

- But you need to tell me, where is he? MAN: Right behind you.

Clark.

[GROANING]

LOIS: Clark?

Wake up.

Clark.

Clark.

Wake up.

CLARK: I know who you are!

Then I suppose I won't be needing this anymore.

Now that we're all acquainted.

Let's begin.

What's the point?

Now that we've both seen your face, you're gonna kill us anyway.

Don't be so certain.

You must really care about her storming in here.

It's very gallant of you.

Yeah, he's stupid that way.

- Let her go. - After her turn, you'll get yours.

My turn?

What is this, some kind of game?

No.

No, it's a test.

To reveal how much you two have been hiding from one another.

If you pass, you'll want to invite me to your wedding.

If you fail...

...well, the guest list will be the least of your worries.

Ladies first.

Have you ever cheated on your fiancé?

Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

[SHOUTING]

What are you doing?

You're killing him!

No. Your lies are.

Okay, okay. I take it back then. I'm sorry.

Just don't hurt him again.

[CLARK GASPING]

CLARK: Killing us...

...it won't take away the pain that pushed you here.

I'm doing this for you.

What?

The broken-hearted are the walking dead.

Either way, I'm saving you both a lot of unnecessary pain.

Okay, crazy, this is the deal.

We're not even really a couple.

So this twisted test doesn't mean anything.

Next question.

Deep down, underneath it all, do you love this man?

Answer the question, Lois.

Don't outthink it.

Just tell the truth.

[SIGHS]

Do you love him?

Tell the truth.

MAN: Do you love him?

[SOBBING]

Yes.

[SIGHS]

And you...

...do you love this woman?

Speak up. She can't hear you if you don't speak up.

[GRUNTING]

[SIGHS]

CLARK: Lois.

- Clark? - Lois, are you okay?

Hmm.

I'm not sure.

Let's get you out of here.

The one person in the whole wide world that we were destined to be with.

Which is why you can't take a...

Yeah, that's pretty much how I felt.

Oh, my God, Chloe, I am so sorry.

I know my face is under "faux pas" in the dictionary...

...but this is a whole new low.

I would say that this is a close second...

...behind the time you crashed Lana's engagement party.

In fact, you may wanna start avoiding engagement parties altogether.

[LOIS SIGHS]

Chloe, it's not funny. I ruined your special night.

Lois, considering how the night ended, I'd say the party was a rousing success.

Besides, you were just being honest...

...though you could have been a little less public about it.

Lois, why didn't you just tell me that this is how you felt?

I don't know.

Look, Clark and Lana went south.

Things fell apart between me and Ollie.

Just knowing that I had everything that I wanted right in front of me...

...and having it slip away.

I just didn't want to see you have that kind of heartache.

Lois, you are the most wonderful big cousin in the world for thinking that.

But trust me, I wouldn't have said yes if I didn't know it was meant to be.

How can you be sure?

Because when I look at Jimmy, I can just feel it, in my heart.

I mean, sunset or dungeon, he's my guy.

Wow.

Color me jealous.

Clark was right after all.

He usually is. Get used to it.

JIMMY: Get used to what?

[LOIS SIGHING]

To being a member of the family.

Congratulations, Jimmy.

What was that all about?

You and me, oddly enough.

Speaking of which, I have something you need to see.

After the Spanish Inquisition...

...I was thinking we deserve an extra-long honeymoon.

- So maybe Bora Bora? Saint Tropez? JIMMY: Chloe.

Before you start booking, there's something you need to know.

As insane as that guy was, he made a great point.

If we're gonna make it...

...we can't have any secrets from each other anymore.

Yeah, but if the last 12 hours have proven anything...

...it's that we don't have much left to hide.

Yeah, there is.

I'm not who you think I am.

The sudden knot in my stomach tells me...

...this isn't you embracing your inner Nietzsche.

My parents aren't coming to the wedding.

They, uh...

Well, they actually don't exist.

Well, I mean, they do. Of course they do. They exist. It's just that...

My dad's not an investment banker in Manhattan.

He's a part-time mechanic and full-time alcoholic in Oklahoma City.

I never even really met my mom.

Why would you keep something like this from me?

This city, it's huge.

It's the top of the world coming from where I come from.

And the only way I could fit in...

...was to be someone else.

Why didn't you trust me?

I know.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I screwed up bigtime.

And I totally understand if you need some time or even if...

If you want out.

A guy like me...

...doesn't get a girl like you, Chloe.

Life, it doesn't work like that.

Yeah, it does.

So much for breakfast in bed.

I'm late for a meeting in Metropolis.

Some of us still have corporations to run.

Oh, that's right. I forgot. Although I've got this funny feeling...

...that you could probably find somebody else to answer your phones.

I'm thinking more like, um, dinner in Malibu in time for the sunset. What do you say?

Is that a hint of romance I detect?

I can't stop myself.

Save it...

...in case you wanna tip another hostess.

There was nothing romantic about last night, Oliver.

I had an itch. You scratched it.

Tess, what happened to you?

I grew up.

And you left right when things started to get interesting.

You know the way out.

[SIGHS]

CLARK: You're not avoiding me, are you?

Me? Why would I be avoiding you?

I was just shopping for wedding gifts for Chloe and Jimmy.

So you're finally onboard with the happy couple.

Yup. All it took was them passing a madman's electric-cosmo death quiz...

...and I am sold.

[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]

In or out?

You know, all things considered, stairs are better for cardio.

Come on. Statistically, this is the safer way to travel.

He confessed. The jeweler.

I heard. Five couples?

So, uh, about that test...

Um.

Who would have thought you were such a good liar, huh?

I mean, you even beat that machine.

Even though I'm a natural master of deception, I needed a little help.

I mean, that machine was a piece of kaiser-era junk.

I mean, it did work the first time, you know, when you electrocuted me.

Exactly.

While he was off playing game-show host, I slipped the sensor off my finger.

Pretty crafty, huh?

So you weren't telling the truth.

Please. I mean, we do make a good team.

But don't let our cover go to that big old head of yours.

I didn't.

- Good. - Great.

Let's just be happy that I was under the gun and not you.

And why's that?

Smallville, everyone knows you're a terrible liar.

Who knows where we'd be if you'd answered that question?