Original subtitles

Ma. Ma. No, don't go for the cheese, Ma.

It's a trap. No one leaves cheese lying around an attic, Ma.

Ma. Ma. Rizzo.

Rizzo. Rizzo. Hey, take it easy, Rizzo. You're just having a bad dream.

Oh, oh, Gonzo.

Wait a second, Gonzo. What are you doing here? I thought Clifford gave everybody

the week off.

Oh, he did. I just came in to pick up my nasal floss. Of course you did.

Hey, hey, aren't you supposed to be running that tape of the show we

last week? Oh, no, the tape. Oh, geez, the tape. That's right. Oh, what did I

with the tape?

Oh, let me see. Oh, wait a minute. The last thing I remember was... Oh, yeah,

yeah. Carl and I were having a cheese -eating contest.

Then what happened?

Well, this is coming back to me. There was Carl and there was the video

The tape got eaten!

What? The machine ate the tape? No, Carl!

Carl ate the tape? No!

Carl ate the machine!

Thank you!

He does all that without mustard.

Oh, no. What are we going to do now?

Well, I don't know. Let's see. I got an idea. I got an idea. Yeah, yeah.

How about this? Suppose we just run the best scenes from all of our shows hosted

by us, you and me.

Oh, wait a minute. Hosted by us? That's ridiculous, Gonzo. You and me hosting a

show? Nobody's going to go for that.

But we go on the air in one minute.

Well, what are we waiting for? We got a show to host.

I'll go get some tuxedos.

Carl, Carl, cue the opening credits and don't eat them until they're over with.

If you're a human being, take a break from the race. Take a load off your

watch the look of your face. Got a lot to do, and we do it for you.

Everybody take your place.

Muppet tonight.

Tonight,

tonight. We got a show for you, guaranteed brand new.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Gonzo the Great. As many of you

probably know, Muppets Tonight has been on the air for over 3 ,000 years.

That's not right.

Well, I'm approximating.

In that time, we've had the opportunity to launch the careers of many famous

celebrities. Yes.

Unfortunately, most of those tapes have been lost, destroyed, stolen, or eaten.

Yeah.

However, a few of those early celebrity appearances have survived.

Let's watch, shall we? Yes.

Welcome to Muppet Match -Up.

Let's get right to it, shall we, and meet our new B -bachelorette, Miss

Spiker -Manowitz.

Welcome to the show, Michelle. Are you ready to get down with the game? That

would be far out, Kermit. Let's boogie with our bad selves.

Bachelor number one, I love a man with a good sense of humor. What's your idea

of a fun date?

Well, Michelle, first I would take you to my lab where we'd scrape off some

epidermis and examine the skin cells from our bippies.

Bachelor number three, same question.

Michelle! Michelle!

Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!

Michelle! Michelle!

Michelle! Michelle!

Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!

Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!

Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!

Are you guys lip -syncing?

No, we ain't lip -syncing, fool.

Yeah, don't make me come over there and smack you, Ed.

Cronutera roll call. Broke out now.

Stu!

Jumper!

Nope. Stu!

Cindy!

Robbie!

Stu!

Stu! DiBolo!

Stu!

That's enough, Stu. That's the fifth time you've called out your name

Oh!

Today is Friday, and what does that mean, huh?

It's Friday!

Well, yes, but it's also get -to -know -your -frog -a -tear day.

Oh, I like that. So today, let's meet our newest frog -a -tear, Cinderella

Crawfordopolis. Yay!

Hi,

Kermit. Hi there, Cindy. Why don't you tell us a little about yourself? For

example, what are your hobbies?

I like to dress up in really pretty clothes and walk up and down my

What would you like to do when you grow up? The same thing, but get paid

millions of dollars for it.

And now here's our reigning disco queen, Miss Piggy, with her new partner, Jason

Alexanderplatz.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, those were some of the stars of today.

But who, you ask, are the stars of tomorrow? Well, you can be sure you

seeing them in these neck clips. Well, what the heck. Let's watch anyway.

Return.

I'm Seymour. I'm Pepe. We're two of a kind. I'm a little bit forward.

And I've got a big behind.

Say, Seymour.

Yes, Pepe?

What do you get when you cross an elephant?

With a rhino. Gee, I don't know. What?

Elefino.

Elefino.

Gee, Pepe, I don't think they get it.

Elefino. Why do I have to explain to you people, okay?

Elefino. What? Tell me, Ellie. Elefino.

And now, music lovers, all the way from London's East End, Sid Canisius and his

mosh pit ditto.

delicious rules.

Yeah.

Elephant. Elephant.

Elef.

Rhino. Rhino.

I know.

Elef I know.

Unbelievable.

For your musical entertainment, I bring you a team of well -trained artillery

shells. The refined young...

Yo, Rizzo, this musical number is a hit.

Yeah,

a direct hit.

That

was

surprisingly good. And speaking of surprising, watch this.

That's not exactly what I had in mind.

Actually, I was just going to show a few more clips, but I guess you can watch

while I try to put Gonzo back together.

Hey, Garth Brooks, my man!

How you doing, buddy? Hey, welcome to the show. Thank you, man, and I brought

some good news. I've been thinking.

Uh -oh.

Can we do Garth Brooks stuff on everybody else's show? But you guys,

say let's do something different?

Really? Like what?

What seems to be the problem? Well, Doctor, I see these strange creatures

time I say the word phenomena.

Do you mind if I try it?

Sure.

Phenomena.

Phenomena.

Phenomena.

Phenomena.

Phenomena.

Phenomena.

Phenomena. Phenomena.

Hi there, Pierce.

Hey, how's it going, huh?

Well, it's going great, Connor, except everyone's treating me like I'm James

Bond, and I'm not. I mean, that's just the character I play in the movies. Oh,

yeah. You know, I mean, because in real life, I'm not that swath of debonair at

all.

Now, where did I put that high -powered laser of death?

Cotton swab. What?

Hey, this is the reason I moved out of the Y.

I never knew life could be so thrilling.

Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet, sister.

You want Cindy to fall in love with you, listen to your headset, and repeat

everything I say. Repeat everything I say?

No, no, no, not yet. Oh, Jesus, here she comes. Oh, Jesus, here she comes.

Okay.

Oh,

hi, hi. Hi, Cindy.

Cindy, to me, you are like the nut and berries of the forest.

Cindy, to me, a nut like you should be buried in the forest.

What exactly is that supposed to mean, Bobo?

Oh, brother, you sure muffed that one, Fatso.

Oh, brother, you sure muffed that one, Fatso.

Did you just call me Fatso?

Yeah. No!

I was yelling at my ear.

Oh, hi, Uncle Rizzo. We just came back from the fair.

Hey, that's a nice set of balloons you got there. Maybe you'll let me play with

them later. Maybe you'll let me play with them later.

What?

I wasn't supposed to say that one, was I?

Here are some clips the critics love.

Let me just say right off the bat that my client Martin Short is a huge fan of

the Moffat.

He's always talking about Moffat, Moffat this, Moffat that, little Miss Moffat.

That's Moffat. He loves them too.

I'm particularly wild about that chubby pig.

She is the hoot. I don't like the green one, though. She frightens me.

What's his name? That would be me.

Yes, I don't like you.

Anyway, these are the requirements of my client. He needs a super huge deluxe

dressing room. He needs a catered kosher meal.

He's not Jewish, but he's just on a little bit of a kick. And $100 ,000 per

Gonzo, what do we have in the budget for Mr. Short?

Well, let's see. We've got tap water, pretzel rods, and all the coins he can

find in the sofa.

You've got yourself a deal.

Johnny Fiamma's just arrived. Make way for the one, the only Johnny Fiamma.

out of the way, you.

All right, why don't you step there, Ma.

Oh, be careful, huh?

Hello, sir. I am selling chocolate so that my school can buy new books. Hey,

hey, hey, hey.

Over my dead body, Johnny Fiamma buys one of them chocolates.

Now get out of here, you punk.

Hey, Sal, what'd you dropkick him for?

He's just a kid selling chocolates.

Yeah, right, Johnny, and I'm a monkey.

Okay, Johnny, if you have a comment... Come on, Ma. How's your bad arm, all

right?

Once there was a little old ant.

Thought he'd move.

What'd you do that for?

There was an ant on the table. I smashed it. It was a musical ant. He was there

for the song.

Oh.

Sorry.

It's going to be on that one.

Oh! Ow!

Well, if you haven't guessed by now, we're doing a best -of show. Yep. And

best -of show is complete without clips like these?

Merry Met Sally screen test. Take 73.

Action. Oh, Captain Nouveau, what happened with your hot date last night?

Oh, Sally, it was a disaster. She canceled.

She had a bad cold.

Are you sure she had a cold?

Yes, I'm sure she had a cold. I heard a sneeze twice.

Did you ever think she may have faked the sneeze to get out of the date with

you? Well, excusez -moi, miss I'm -jealous -of -babe.

You don't think that I can tell the difference between a real sneeze and a

sneeze?

Nope.

have what she's having. Only less pepper.

And now, once again, it's time for great moments in Elvis history.

Tonight, the Declaration of Independence.

Say there, George Washington. What's up there, Thomas Jefferson?

Well, I was just wondering if you had any more of that there.

Cherry pie left.

I cannot tell a lie. I ate the whole thing.

Oh, mercy.

Next week, Elvis of Arabia.

Dang, it's hot out here.

And now, Muppet Masterpiece Mystery Movie presents Jason Alexander as

Poirot in Murder on the Disoriented Express.

Oh, help, help.

I've been motorized. Oh, no. Oh, my goodness. Someone has killed Mr. Poodle

Pants. Well, I'm not really hurt, you know. I mean, this is a family show.

wouldn't really... You're ruining the scene now. Oh, dear,

it's a murder.

What do we do?

There's only one detective who could solve this crime, and he's on board our

train, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Monsieur Hercules Poirot.

Everyone, please take your seats.

Oh, I have a question there, Hercules. Are you going to use your super strength

to lift up the train and shake out the clues?

Now, listen carefully.

You are thinking of Hercules, an ancient demigod from Greek mythology.

I am Hercule.

Koala, a fictional Belgian detective.

But how do you hide your rippling muscles under that puny little

I do not think it is possible to overemphasize what I am about to say.

I am not Hercules. Oh, I get it. He's walking undercover.

Don't get him mad. He'll rip up the train tracks and tie them around your

Yes, I might, if I was Hercules.

But I am not.

What are you going to do first? Fly around the Earth backwards so you can

reverse time and discover who really did it?

All right, first of all, I am not Hercules.

Second of all, you are thinking of Superman and not Hercules.

And third of all, you cannot reverse time by flying backwards around the

I myself had a little problem with the logic in that part of the film.

Jason, please, you're breaking character.

I'm breaking character?

You're supposed to be dead!

This clown thinks I'm Superman and the rest of these chuckleheads think I'm

Hercules!

July 2nd, they arrive.

July 3rd, they attack.

July 4th, they begin therapy.

Oh, tell me, Meepzorp, why did you want to blow up Earth? Because you stupid

humans never listen to our needs.

Now, now, now.

Let's try to talk this through.

How do you feel about what Meatsorps just said, Mr. President?

Well, first of all, ask them why the aliens never told us what they wanted.

just came and blew up the White House. Hey, people cheered. Just the

Republicans. And the Perot people.

Leave Perot out of this. He's one of us. Coming soon.

Codependence Day.

This time, it's interpersonal.

Well,

I got to introduce...

The musical clips, and I don't have a clue what to say. Say it right.

Yeah, I got them musical clips coming up, but I don't know what to say.

The producer's gonna be steaming at it on his own today.

I call her Firefly. Firefly.

She radiates moon glow.

Wants none of that. That noon glow starts to glitter when the sun goes

About 8 p .m.

It's mayhem. She switches the brights up, lights up, and gives me a call.

Take me to the Firefly Ball.

When we're free to love anyone we choose.

When this world's big enough for all different views.

When we're all free to work on our own kind of views.

We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be

right back.

Thank you. We here at Muppets Tonight love to do television parodies. Some

people might say that's biting the hand that feeds us.

What did you do that for? Well, you told me to bite the hand that feeds me. I

don't feed you with that hand. I feed you with this hand.

My mistake.

Excuse

me.

Do any of you boys know where I can find Champ Schwimmer?

new assistant like us.

Yes, Gonzo. These clips are great, but I haven't seen any of my favorite

moments. Which ones are those?

The painful ones.

All righty then. Well, here's a tape that we call Muppets Tonight's Greatest

Hits.

but it was in the script, huh? Nobody told me that was a script.

That was great, Gonzo. You know, we really pulled it off. Yeah, nice work,

old buddy. Thanks.

Hey, what are you two doing here?

Well, we just finished broadcasting our own show called The Worst of Muppets

Tonight.

Really? What did you show?

The same thing you did.

Okay, okay.

Elephant. Elephant.

Elephant. Oh, fool.

Don't tell me. If the ratings dip below 50, they're going to blow something up?

Really, bitch?

Normally, as a matter of principle, I would not do this number. But I am going

to do it. And for no other reason but to get this stupid off.

Stupid off? Stupid off.

Hey, guess what?

What? You made a boo -boo like I did.

And even though I don't know who you are, I agree with all... Can you speed

up in the edit?

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