Original subtitles

Kerm? Hi, Clifford. What are you still doing here?

What? Hey, you're going to be late for your date.

Oh, well, it's not actually a date, Clifford. No, I'm just taking out the

contest winner of the Spend an Evening with Kermit contest. You know, we had 14

,000 entries.

Yeah, and how many of those weren't from Miss Piggy?

Just the winner.

Well, then, you should have a good time. Oh, that's true. Oh, wait a second.

Where is Dennis Quaid?

Oh, he's on stage rehearsing the Dennis the Menace sketch.

And believe me, Kerm, everything's under control. Now go and have a good time.

You know, I suppose you're right. I mean, after all, it's not like bowling

are going to come falling out of the sky the minute I leave.

Oh, man, why did he have to say that?

Clifford, Clifford, we just lost the satellite feed. What are we going to do?

Hey, Clifford, Clifford, what happened to the picture? I almost took out Mr.

Wilson's eye with my slingshot. Oh, no problem, Dennis. I've got everything

under control.

Nigel, disconnect the coaxial hookup and reconfigure the transponder. Okay.

That should get our satellite feed up and running.

Or, uh, you could just plug it back in.

Hey, yeah!

All right!

Hey, thanks, Dennis. Problem solved, everybody.

Yeah, and we didn't even have any bowling balls fall out of the sky.

Yeah, right.

What are you doing?

Hey, I know a setup line when I hear one.

It's Muppets Tonight with our very special guest star, Dennis Quaid! Yay!

from the race. Take a load off your feet, wipe the look off your face. Got a

to do, and we do it for you.

Everybody take your place. Bump it tonight.

Tonight's the night.

Tonight's the night.

We gotta go.

a bunch of bowling balls. Ooh, that must have hurt.

It did.

Hey, check this out. To keep the show from getting away from me this time,

given out these walkie -talkies. Ooh, zippy.

That's what I said. Watch this.

Come in, Sector 4. Do you read me?

Sector 4, coming through loud and clear.

Yeah. See? From now on, we're going to be a lean, mean, well -oiled machine.

Well, all right.

That's right.

Come in, Sector 3.

Need more, Pepe? Do you read me? Oh, Pepe, will you get that? I have to

this calamari for lunch.

I have to do everything around here.

Do you read me?

Roger, we read you.

Will you stop playing around?

Oh, man, I think my well -oiled machine's got too many dipsticks.

This is sector two. Come in, Clifford. Do you read me?

Yeah, Rizzo, loud and clear. Sounds like you're right next to me. That's because

I am.

And you should sound like you're on stage because we're on the air.

I can do that.

Hey,

welcome to Muppets Tonight.

Our special guest is Mr.

Dennis Wayne.

Give it up.

But first, here's the great gonzo singing, Dancing with My Chicken.

Can't do it, can't do it, Clifford. What? All my chickens flew the coop.

What? Okay, man, it's no problem. I'll just tell a few jokes. Excuse me, folks.

Somebody, anybody, come in. I need a joke, fast.

Hello? Anyone there?

Cleaver, how do you get a 200 -pound squid off the face of an elephant?

Hey, folks, how do you get a 200 -pound squid off the face of an elephant? Give

up?

What's the punchline?

Okay. Hell, this squid is sucking my face off.

I don't get it.

Remember Clifford rehearsing an interpretive squid dance with Seymour?

Hey, guys.

Hey, I had a few extra minutes, so I took the liberty of doing everyone's

for the next year, and you're all getting a big refund.

What? Yeah.

Even me, Dennis?

Yeah. Look, with 120 dependents, you qualify for the rat family tax credit.

What? That's great. You know, Clifford told me I didn't qualify.

Where is that H &R blockhead?

Hey, Clifford, you need a little help with that?

Meet some fishies!

Oh, Dennis, thanks.

Hey, how'd you do that?

Oh, it's just a little something I learned in the Peace Corps, Clifford.

Don't you just love this guy?

Yeah. Group hug.

Hey, Dennis, you are so good at fixing problems. Maybe you can help me figure

out how to perform my dancing with chickens number without my chickens.

Well, why don't you just dance with yourself?

Holy Toledo, that's it!

Thank you.

Thank

you.

double Gonzo. Only double? You should be seeing a lot more than that.

Hey,

everybody.

I hear there's a party over at Gonzo.

Yeah, Charlie and Company, what is it? Oh, okay. I got today's paper. Yeah,

yeah, yeah.

I need a five -letter word for a small river in Mesopotamia. Over.

Bobo, why are you bothering me with a crossword puzzle?

I couldn't find Dennis.

I'd give anything to switch places with Kermit right now.

Hmm. Well, this seems to be the correct address.

Ooh. Hi.

Hi there.

I'm Kermit the Frog here.

You must be the winner of the contest, Miss Gottfried. Oh, no, I'm just

visiting. You must be my friend. Oh, Gilbert.

Gilbert?

I suppose.

Oh, I can say underpants all I want. I can yell to the whole neighborhood. No,

no, no.

Underpants!

I'm standing here in my underpants.

Oh, I've got to show you the sculpture I made of you. Sculpture? I made a shrine

of you. It's made out of nothing but soda crackers and lemon juice. I pray to

every night.

But we'll be late for dinner. Oh, we'll be late for dinner. We'll be late for

dinner. You're a major star.

Get that to your head. They have to bow down to you.

What?

And that, my friends, is how you make a four -tiered mock wedding cake using

nothing but soda crackers and lemon juice.

Wow!

Dennis Quinn, nothing is impossible for you.

Yeah. Now that you showed us your special dish, we're going to show you

special dish, which was calamari, but now it's... Ta -da!

Meatless meatballs.

They're made from grain. Yeah.

Not bad.

But may I make a suggestion?

Oh, yes.

Eat them up first?

Wow! Eat them up? What a great idea!

I'll be right back.

Okay, okay.

Thank you.

Dennis Quaid, we would just love to do a song with you, but we couldn't think of

what to do.

Well, Pepe, it's funny. When picking a song, sometimes it just comes to you in

flash.

This is fine.

Feed

me,

baby.

I won't eat until I can do what I want.

Oh, man.

Amazing entertainer. Yeah, yeah. You should host the show every week. Oh,

marvelous idea.

Yeah, yeah. Yes, every week.

Yeah, we can talk to Kermit. It's a crying shame. Oh, yeah.

Say what?

I was saying to my brother, it's a crying shame the way they treat an

like you. Am I right or am I wrong? Crying shame. I mean, a man like you

be treated with respect. Treated with respect. You come with us, and your days

of wrestling squid are over. Over.

Am I right or am I wrong? Squid.

Say, say, you guys aren't from that place with Pie and Brimstone and Little

Demons, are you?

You mean the network?

No, no, definitely not the network.

Clifford, Artie and I would like to welcome you to Mario Nuts, the most

successful puppet show on television.

Oh, I recognize you two. You're Artie and Marty Pipkin.

In the flesh. So what's this all about? Hey, you know, you're a smart dresser,

Clifford. Do you like Italian suits?

Well, I love Italian suits. I told you he had good taste. So what's this got to

do with... Hey, let me ask you something, Clifford. Do you like banana

I love banana bread. I told you he was a banana bread type of guy. So you guys

asked me here because... Do you like money?

I love money. What'd I tell you?

Clifford, what would you say to two million dollars?

Me?

I'd say, how do you do, two million dollars? Do you want to live in my

I love your sense of humor, Clifford. Let us be frank.

We think you're terrific. Am I right or am I wrong?

Terrific. And we'd like you to come be the new host of, are you ready?

The Mario Nuts Show.

I'm flattered by the offer, guys, but what's most important to me is to feel

like I'm a part of a group. You know, like a member of a... A family. Am I

right? That's what we are, a family show. Of course, you know that. You've

our program. My point being... Well, actually, I've never seen the show.

You've never seen the show?

Well, what have you been watching Tuesday mornings at 5 .45?

Yeah, what are you, sleeping?

Look, do me a favor. Just watch this tape of the Mario Nuts in action.

Featuring two of our biggest stars.

Lucky the Duck and Sparky the Pool Cleaner. Spin them around, Monica.

There you go.

Oh,

she's friendly.

Hi, boys and girls. I'm Lucky Duck.

Thank you. Thank you.

Gee, I wonder where Sparky is.

Oh, here comes Sparky now.

I think that is the most disgusting, depraved, irresponsible, and immoral

for a television program I've ever seen.

Oh, so we got a deal, then. Well, great. We'll see you on Monday. Monday.

Okay, team, get ready to go to camera one.

Where's Clifford?

Where's Clifford? He's meant to introduce the next team. Get him on

need Clifford now. Nigel, Nigel, Nigel, relax.

What, what, what? Dennis Quaid's going to do it.

Oh. Oh, well, in that case, can somebody fetch me a double decaf short dry

cappuccino with a little twist?

All we have is water.

That'll do.

Welcome back to Muppets Tonight. I'm Dennis Quaid, and I'm pleased to

this next bit.

It's a screen test that Kermit the Frog and I did for a movie that eventually

became Dragonheart.

Let's watch, shall we?

Oh, it's only some brave warrior

will come and help us fight. The evil dragon, Frogo.

I am sorry that I am late. There was a five -horse pileup on ye olde

Where is the dreaded Frogo?

I'll take a stab at it. He's in the cave.

Thank you, Sir Sarcasm.

Frogo, the reign of terror is over.

I, Circumference of a Circle, shall fight you to the death.

Oh, get over thyself.

You don't sound like Sean Connery. Yeah, you don't sound like Jerry Lee Lewis.

Oh,

impersonal.

Stand back, everyone.

Hey -ho, Frodo the Dragon here.

I am ready to face thee.

Cori's tiny.

Why is not even as big as me boy?

You are not as intimidating as the script led me to believe.

Yeah, well, you see, that's because I should have come in in the foreground. I

would have looked much bigger. I'll just do it again.

Now I

shall roast you alive with my fire -breathing abilities. Turn on the gas,

Oh, goodness gracious!

These great boys are on fire!

that song, kid. Two, three.

Gee,

I guess I was wrong. He does sound like Jerry Lee Lewis.

You know, when I watch this show, I find myself counting the minutes until it's

over. Really? How many are left?

if you look kind of green.

You know what I'm having for dinner? What?

Frog's legs!

Wouldn't that be in horrible taste?

Wouldn't that be horrible? I'm sitting here with you and I'd be eating frog's

legs. It would be kind of like having dinner with the Donner Party.

Oh, speaking of cadavers.

Have you ever seen my book of crime scene photographs?

No, no, not actually. Oh, I carry it around as a conversation piece. Oh, no,

no. Here, it's called Isn't It Gross?

It's old crime scene photographs.

I'll show it to you while you eat. Here, look at that. Oh, here's that. Oh, he

doesn't even look human anymore.

Oh, look at that guy down there. Is that disgusting?

Yo, Bobo.

I'm back.

Did you miss me? Uh -huh. Delta, Delta, Niner, Niner.

Checking your sector four here.

I mean, knock it off. That's over with.

Roger that.

How are things going on the show?

Oh, well, Dennis Quaid is doing great.

You know, you guys really ought to do this show together.

You know, well, we could call it the, uh, the Dennis Quaid and Clifford Muppet

Good Time Hour featuring Dennis Quaid.

Huh?

That's a good idea.

Yeah, yeah. And then, uh... Jeez, what's up, Biscuit?

Homicide, Detective Bobo. Bobo, stop fooling around.

Have you seen Clifford? Oh, uh, well, he just went in the elevator and, uh, went

up to the roof. How come?

I'm no licensed psychologist, but I would posit that he suffers from

depression triggered by your hyper -efficient performance of his duties.

Are you saying it's my fault?

Oh, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey. What do I know?

I'm a bear. I get my jollies from tipping over garbage cans, huh?

The people I work with don't need me anymore.

The other show I was offered was disgusting and depraved.

I guess the only place I belong now is right here on the roof.

Oh, no, not that song again.

I wish for once somebody would come up here and sing Born to Be Wild.

When this old world starts getting me down and people are just too much

for me to bear.

I climb way up to the top of the stairs and all my cares just drift

right into space.

All right.

Does anyone have a number two wrench?

Anybody? No.

All right, then. Well, we'll have to use the number one rat. What? Oh, no, not

again. Come on down, Manny. All right.

Here we go.

Now, bite down.

All right.

There.

There you go.

Hey, it's working.

Clifford fixed it. Yeah.

I'm going to be tasting bolt grease for a week.

We're sorry we ignored you and made such a big fuss over Dennis Quaid.

Yeah, yeah. We really care about you.

Hey, don't you just love this guy?

Group hug!

You know, I feel good, good.

Hey, give me another problem to solve.

Okay, here's one for you. There's two minutes left to go in the show and

nobody on stage to say goodnight.

Consider it done.

Okay.

I wonder where Dennis went.

Dennis, do you like Italian suits?

High quality suits.

Look, I'm telling you one more time. I am not doing your stupid puppet show.

Stupid puppet show.

Excuse me, excuse me. Yeah, you look like a banana bread kind of guy.

Oh, well, actually, I'm more of a bubble type of a guy. Let me show you.

Oh, look at that.

A little family.

Hey, we'd like to thank our guest star, Mr.

Dennis Quaid. Hey!

You can do everything.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It was really great being here, Clifford. But, you know, I

really can't do everything.

Oh, man, Mr. Mike. No, no, no, no, no, no. I mean it, I mean it. Look, half the

things I did today, they were just lucky guesses, and the rest, blah.

Huh. Excuse me, excuse me. I'm from the IRS. Is there a Mr.

Rizzo the Rat here?

Yeah. Mr.

the Rat, I need to speak to you about your 120 dependents.

She didn't qualify after all, huh?

You'll never take me alive!

Officer! Hey, hey, wait!

Hey, hold it, you!

You know what, Clifford?

I think I need a break. What are you going to do?

Well, you know my friend Greg Hall.

He's going to give me some flying lessons.

Goodness gracious, Greg Hall's a flyer?

One, two, three.

It's too much of a stretch. I mean, Greg Hall's a flyer? What am I thinking?

Dennis, take it from me. When you got something that works, you got to stick

with it, man.

you what a wonderful time I had. Well, actually, I can tell you. Here, listen.

Carmen, what a wonderful time I had, huh? Well, I have to be going now. Thank

you. Whoa.

Gee, my feet are stuck.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. I really should have told you that. You know how

in front of the Chinese theater, they have the movie star's feet in cement?

Well, they don't have their feet in cement.

What's your point?

In front of the Chinese theater. Well, I put cement here so I can have... your

footprints. What?

Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it. I'm stuck here, too.

Ha, ha, ha!

Let's see. We'll eventually either be rescued or we'll starve to death. Hey,

know, just to kill the time, what do you say we sing a little song? You know,

finicky -lee, finicky -la, the clean version.

Junkie!

Takes one to know one.