Original subtitles

Here with the came -up news break is correspondent Bernard Shaw.

Good evening.

International financier and media mogul Ernst Stavros Grupper, chairman and CEO

of the Grupper Group, has completed a leveraged buyout of Connivore

Grupper, the world's wealthiest one -eyed fish, was unavailable for comment

to a rubber worm lodged in his throat.

Connivore Industries, that sounds familiar.

They own that company, you know the one.

Oh yeah, the one that owns that TV show. What TV show is that?

Excuse me, but who are you?

What?

What did you do that for?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's takeover, you bobblehead.

Now get back to the limo.

I don't know why I made them senior executive vice presidents.

What?

Oh, now I remember.

Well, gee, Mr. Grouper, let me show you around our little studio. Quiet, Frog.

From now on, I'm in charge around here.

And when I get done with this place, nothing will ever be the same.

Who put this laughing gas here?

I don't know.

This is supposed to be a serious moment.

And here we are laughing.

It's Muppets Tonight with our very special guests, Don Rickles and Coolio.

If you're a human being, take a break from the race. Take a load off

your feet, wipe the look off your face. Got a lot to do, and we do it for you.

Everybody take a break.

Muppets Tonight.

Muppets Tonight.

But he's not!

Excuse me, but what are you doing to my office?

It's not your office anymore. Now that I'm in charge, there will be lots of

changes, Virgil. My name is Kermit. That's one of the changes.

From now on, you will be Virgil the monkey.

But I'm not a monkey.

Trust me, Virgil.

Focus groups like monkeys more than frogs.

Well, I'd have to disagree with that.

Really?

Did you ever hear of Planet of the Frogs? Froggy say froggy do.

Hey, hey, we're the froggies. People say we froggy around.

Muppets are not hip enough for today's audience.

Now, now, wait a minute, Grouper. We're hip. Our guest star this week is Coolio.

That's right.

Give it up.

Yeah, you can't get hipper than Coolio, man.

What kind of sketches are you going to do with him?

Well, we're taping one right now. Yeah, it's called The Two Homies of Verona.

Let's watch, shall we?

Make haste, homie. What ho?

A rival gang of watchers draws nigh. To the gallop by. Cover thyself.

Joeth!

Siteth out.

I prithee thine essence to reveal thard whack.

Yea, verily whack.

This is trash.

What? There is only one way I can see to improve it, and that's not to see it at

all.

That's much better.

That's not very nice, Cooper.

No, this is not very nice.

We must intimidate them.

What?

Enough,

enough.

Now I will show you what hip is.

Here is a trailer for a movie I'm producing.

Let's watch, shall we?

Thank you.

You've seen him baked.

Ouch. You've seen him breaded.

But now he's back, and he is steamed.

John Dodd Van Clam takes on New York in Enter the Tower, Manhattan style.

You will see red.

Who are you? I'm your worst enemy.

I love you, Sean Dodd.

I've got something here that I want to give to you. What?

These.

Harold, but you're not an oyster.

Well, you're a talking pig, so let's not get technical.

Enter the chowder Manhattan style, and you too will say, wham!

Thank you, Van Quam.

Sorry, boys.

Life's a beast.

I'd give that movie four stars. Why is that?

Because the two that are in it now stink.

Hey, bartender. More Tiggs Knuckles.

Okay, coming right up.

I'll just have the pickled egg.

Okay.

I love you to all guys.

Poor guy cracked up.

Hi -ho, everyone. Kermit the... I mean, Virgil the monkey here. Make the noise.

I love this little monkey.

Anyway, everybody, I want to introduce you to the new owner of our station, Mr.

Ernst Stavros Gruper.

New owner?

No, as your new owner, I want to get to know each and every one of you by name.

Who are you?

Well, I'm Risotto Rat. Not anymore.

Now you're Alfred the Worm. And you, who are you?

I'm Bobo the Bear. Not anymore.

Now you're Whitley Nibbles, the television elf.

All right.

And, uh, let's see, who are you? Well, uh, I'm, uh, Bob.

And, uh, raisins come out of my ears. No, now you're Bill and bubbles come out

of your head.

It worked, yes.

Wow. Now, now, now, there will be a few more changes.

Number one, yellow will now be known as the official color of naughtiness.

Number two, I expect you all to anticipate my needs before they are

Number three.

Oh, very good, Alfred, my obsequious little worm.

Hey, hey, Coolio.

Hey, hey. You're the rapper, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We think you're the Coolio

West.

Just wondering if you could show us how to become a cool rapper like you.

Yeah. Oh, so like you guys want to be bad, huh? No, no, no, no, no. We're

already bad. We want to be good.

All right.

Let's see what you got. Bigger.

Help me out here, man, and keep the beat.

Oh, good. Oh, that's good.

I'm Seymour. I'm Pet Bear.

We're two of a kind. I'm a little bit forward. And I've got a big behind.

Ta -da!

First of all, never, ever, ever end a rap with ta -da.

Really. Oh, thank you. You've helped us so very much. Wait a minute.

I'm not done. Now, instead of saying, uh, I'm a little bit forward, try

uh, I kick flavor like Pele.

Uh -oh, flavor, flavor. No, no, no, no. You see, I'm a prawn.

If people think I got flavor, they're gonna dip me in cocktail sauce, okay?

Okay, never mind. All right, Seymour, let's take your line now.

I got a big behind.

A rapper would actually say, uh, I got back.

Back from where?

Oh, did you take a trip? Oh, did you take any pictures? Yeah, yeah.

All right, all right. Look, let's not deal with the lips.

Okay, rap is all about attitude.

It's about how you feel.

I feel hungry.

All right, all right. That's good.

But how do you feel? Like, what makes you angry?

Ah, let's see. I get angry when I don't eat.

Okay,

I'm sensing a thing here.

Okay. Pepe, how do you feel?

Well, I have these antennae, and they help me to get around by feeling things.

No, no, no, no, no. I mean...

How do you feel about life?

I like life.

Is there good cereal?

Yes, especially the cinnamon, okay?

Cereal, that makes me hungry. Maybe we should go back to the lyrics.

Okay.

Number 36.

We will be downsizing this time.

That means I'll be firing people.

Okay. Now, everyone, back to work. And don't forget the company. Picnic is in

two weeks.

Wait a minute, Mr. Grouper. You can't just tell us you're going to fire

and then expect us to go back to work. You're destroying morale.

Quiet. I know what to do.

I anticipated this sadness, so I brought in my own type psychologist to boost

morale. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Dan Rickards.

Thank you so much.

He makes me laugh.

How you doing, guys?

I'm here to help all of you. Fine, doctor. I've never worked with aliens

Don't get so close. I don't need what you have.

This is supposed to boost morale?

It's party time.

I feel like I've been Sigmund Freud.

I'm going to go have a talk with Mr. Gruber.

I tell you the truth, this is great. This guy, nap out of it, huh?

I spoke to the state hospital. You're okay. You're well. You're all happy

Happy guys. Now get out of my life. Get on with your life. Have a good time,

guys. Enjoy.

It's America.

We're on a wonderful time. The Muppets are back.

Happy New Year. I need a girl.

I need anything.

Get me a monkey. Somebody help me.

I don't want to be on this. I want to go home.

No. No.

No. No.

No.

Mr. Grouper? Yes, yes, my little funky monkey.

I am a frog. I am not a monkey. Yes, and the elephant man is a human being. What

else is new?

Well, I'll tell you what's new, Grouper. Just because you bought the company, it

does not give you the right to come in here and push the Muppets around.

What are you saying, Virgil?

Well, I'll tell you what I'm saying, Grouper. If the Muppets can't be who the

Muppets are, then I quit, Grouper. I quit, quit, quit. Oh, oh, oh, Virgil,

Virgil, my spunky little funky monkey.

You cannot quit.

Oh, yeah? Why is that?

Because you're fired!

Who keeps leaving this laughing gas here? I don't know.

I'm fired. Oh, dear.

It keeps them happy.

This is the true story of five Muppets picked to live in a house and have their

lives taped to find out what happens when Muppets stop being polite and

start being real. The real world Muppets.

Lately, I've been feeling a little claustrophobic, like I don't have enough

privacy.

Don't mind me, Chief. I'm just playing through here.

Hey, Bobo, get out of here, man. I'm in the tub.

Oh, I know. I'm just changing the old contact -a -roonies, you know.

Oh, you're reading the funnies, huh?

Oh, I love Garfield. Yeah, yesterday he tricked Odie into eating an entire

lasagna.

Good morning, Clifford. Oh, good morning, Bill. Bill, what do you want?

Oh, don't mind me. I'm just here to floss my bubble hole.

That's more than I wanted to know. Bill, Bill, look, look, in the paper there.

What's that? What's that?

Don't trick that dopey dog again. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey,

Clifford, could you hand me the flea dip? I'm having a lot of trouble getting

rid of the little guys. Well, where did you come from?

Well, if you really want to know when a mommy rat and a daddy rat love one

another, they... Oh,

this is so great.

All you men getting together for a little therapy bath.

Is he for real? What essential oils are you using?

A gunfish flea and tick death, essentially.

You mean that stuff gets rid of ticks, too? You betcha, big guy. I'm getting in

there, little guy. No, hey, wait a minute. Kill me now.

This was really getting out of hand. I never have a moment alone.

That's right. He is starting to get highly edgy.

Will you get out of here, man? This is my confessional.

Sorry, Mr. Edgy.

Hey, watch it, horsey head.

Rizzo, get out of my bed.

But the heater's busted, and you're the only guy with an electric blanket, and I

am freezing. Now move.

Hey. Oh, boy, it's dark in here.

There's a light on the door.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Bobo. Hey, what are you guys doing? You mind if I get in there with you? You

know, the heater's busted. Yeah, yeah, we know.

Hi, fellas.

Hiya, Bill. Hey, you know, I just couldn't sleep.

Is it because the heater's broken?

No, it's because I have an impacted bubble in my head.

Hey, you want to tell ghost stories?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hi,

guys. Hi, Dorothy.

Hi, Dorothy. Mind if I join you? I'm having a bad night. The world is dark

cold. Oh, well, that's because it's nighttime and the heat is busted.

So, who wants to watch Molly Dog reruns on Lifetime? No, no, no, I got a better

idea. What?

205! I decided

to take matters into my own hands.

Boy, Clifford, sure is nice of you to cook dinner for us tonight.

Oh, yeah, this soup is delicious and it glows.

What's that unusual flavor?

Terragon? Fennel?

Turmeric? Nah, it's a little something I picked up from the Department of

Defense. Whoa, looky, I can see right through my hand.

Yeah, me too.

Where is

everybody? Oh, they're organizing a coup to overthrow your tyrannical regime.

What? I mean...

They're knitting you an eye patch cozy.

Oh, that's nice.

So, what can we put on the air, Nigel? I have nothing to put on the air. Do you

understand? Nothing. I've got nothing. No crew. No, nothing. How could I

possibly put together a show with nothing to... Oh, look.

Here's a tape of the first time the Coolio appeared with the Muppets. Good.

me that. I'll do it myself.

I didn't see you standing there.

Did you know that Coolio made his first TV appearance with a Muppet back in 1987

on Muppet Star Search?

Well, I did.

Let's roll the tape, shall we?

Oh, that's me.

Our next contestants are two young men who have a rather unusual name.

They call themselves Chili Maniliki.

I've been searching.

Hi.

I've been searching.

Don't forget my number.

guys lip -syncing?

No, we ain't lip -syncing, fool.

Yeah, don't make me come over there and smack you, Ed.

Relax, guys. It's only a television show.

Man, I told you this was a stupid idea.

Kill the music.

Look, man, I'm not doing this anymore, man. I'm going solo.

What are you gonna do? You don't sing.

Maybe I'll just talk the words in some sort of rhythmic cadence. Oh, yeah? And

what you gonna call it? Okay, that's a rap.

Rap? That's it?

What? You gonna call it rap?

Music?

No. I'm going to wrap my hands around your throat for talking me into this.

All right,

here's the deal.

Grupa's gotten way out of hand.

We got to get Kermit back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, what are you doing here?

I'm with you guys.

But you work for Gruper. He's a fish gone bad.

He may be evil, but he's got an excellent dental plan.

I think we should all stick together. Yes.

All right.

Everyone who agrees we should stand up to Gruper, take one step forward.

Take a step back. Take a step back. All right. All right. That is unanimous. I

just wish we could do something to help Kermit. Hey, don't worry about Kermit.

If I know him, he's relaxed in Swampside cooking up some multi -million dollar

deal to buy the station back, huh?

Well,

with your resume and experience, the only thing I have available is a 22

-episode commitment with NBC.

You must see TV?

Yes.

I'll take it.

Sorry.

Excuse me, I'll take one of those big network deals, too.

Too bad all the big networks are full.

Well, what about the Dubba Dubba WB?

They've already got a frog.

Hey, do they need a monkey?

Next.

Thank you. Step lively, please.

Hey, Mr. Lippet. I did what you said.

I talked to your happy little smurf friends.

So now give me my check, huh, so I can get back to my wife. Slow down, my bored

and irritating friend. We still have a show to put on. You fired the frog,

remember? Without Kermit, you don't have a show. Not true.

I have you, I have Coolio, and I have a plane.

It's not easy.

and each day the color of the leaves.

And then... All right, that's enough singing.

This stuff isn't working.

Sorry, Groper, sorry. No dental plan is worth this.

I'm out of here. I've got to get a good job. They ruined my career with this

with puppets. I don't need you, you dummy. Look at you. You must have come

of your mother and hit the wall.

If you walk out now, you... Now I've seen

everything. Good. Does that mean we can stop watching?

No!

Hey, bartender, didn't you used to be?

Well, yeah, but a guy's got to work, you know. Not if he's smart, he doesn't.

Hello,

now it's time for Muppet Dance Party with me, Grouper, and our special guest

star of Family Matters, Steve Urkelow.

Oh, here comes Steve Urkelow.

Let's muckadamia.

Don't you mean Macarena?

No, no, no. I couldn't afford to write. I wrote this one myself.

Now shake your booty, Steve Urkalo.

Did I do that?

Yes. And if you do it again, there'll be no snacks for you, Steve Urkalo.

Wait a minute, man.

This Urkalo thing is stupid.

I'm not paying you for your opinion.

I'm out of here. What? No, no, no. No, no, no. Wait.

You don't understand.

Steve Urkel and my Macarena knockoff test very high in the market research.

Yeah, yeah, well, market research don't know everything.

The best thing for this show to do is to let me do what I do and let the Muppets

do what they do.

But the Muppets are not hip like you are.

See, now, that's where you got it all wrong.

Hip is not what you do.

How you do it? You want to see hip?

We'll show you hip.

Here we go.

One, two, three, four.

Get your woman on the floor.

Gotta, gotta get up to get down.

Gotta, gotta get up to get down.

Everybody's so glad you're here. Studio with the flow back in your ear. This

ain't a fantastic voice, but I'm still on the mission to see if I can get your

attention. Now I want to drop some information, just a little additive to

education. I live my life by the code of the four six under white M18s in the

trunk. When I'm on the street, you gotta feel my beat. So throw your hands up if

you're down with the seat. Double O -L -I -O, what's the flow? I'm looking for

the party, so let them up and know. One, two, three, it's like ABC. If they're

not, didn't say I rap for free.

Fly, fly, but that's the past. I got something brand new for your class.

One, two, three, four.

Get your woman on the floor.

Gotta, gotta get up and get down.

Gotta, gotta get up to get down. Here we go.

One, two, three, four.

Get your woman on the floor. Gotta, gotta get up to get down.

Gotta, gotta get up to get down.

Get Seymour. Get Pepe. And though we seem wet, Pepe takes flavor like Pele.

Seymour got bang.

We're hip. We're hot.

Side by side. And they're jockeying my antenna from here to Atlanta.

Yeah. One, two, three, four.

Get your woman on the floor. Gotta, gotta get up and get down.

Gotta, gotta get up and get down.

Now, somebody.

Anybody. Everybody.

Scream.

Now,

you see, spamming breath.

That's it.

Yeah. All right, all right. Maybe I was wrong.

The Muppets can be... All right, I order you all to go back to work. Let's go,

let's go.

No way, no way. Only if you beg Kermit to come back.

But I can't have him come back without proper focus group testing.

Oh, I got your focus group all right.

Everyone that wants Kermit to come back, take one step forward.

All right, all right, all right.

I see your point.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Coming up, three.

Kermit, come back now, please.

Hey, hey, did you hear that? I got my old job back.

Not until 8 p .m., you don't. Now dance, Virgil, dance.

Thanks a million, fella.

Look at you. You're all neck and eyes.

What happened to the rest?

Funny nose. Pack away at a tree and you'll die.

Hey, kid.

Huh? You work this end of the... What?

Don't do that. I don't need that. Stop it.

I hate that.

That's not cute. Don't do that.

Keep it up. I'll turn away. Boy, you're a homeless snake.

Don't get so close. I don't need what you have.

Look at your lip. I hope you suck up your gums and your teeth. Take a tap

Get yourself some teeth, fix it up, you're gonna gum yourself to death.

What are you trying to do, suck on my armpit?

Stay out of my life. I need this.

I want to go home so bad.

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